04x21 - Smilin Jack

[bunniefuu]

[Man] Lookout Two,
we're approaching Hill 347.

[Man On Radio]
We read you, Lookout Two.

- Adjust coordinates to 814.
- [m*ssile Whistling]

[Machine g*ns Firing]

[m*ssile Whistling]

[Man On Radio]
Lookout Two, we are adjusting.

Come in, Lookout Two.

[Man] This is Lookout Two.
We've been hit. We're taking fire.

[Man #2 On Radio]
We read you. Corpsmen will respond.

[Man] Battalion Aid Station 12
calling MASH 4077.

MASH 4077. Come in, Radar.

[Radar On Radio]
Radar here, Bernie. What've you got?

[Bernie]
They're hitting this side of 347.

We've got wounded starting to roll in.
Get the choppers off their pads.

[Radar]
Got one on the way, Bernie. On the way.

[Explosions]

Clear!

[Man On P.A.] Attention.!
Attention.! All medical personnel
report to stations.

Incoming wounded.
One team to the chopper pad.

One team to the chopper pad.

- How is he, Hawk?
- After a trip with you? He may survive.

Are you kidding?
He went first class!

In that case, his luggage
is probably in Cleveland.

Let's go.

- Sponge.
- Sponge.

Oh, thank you.

- You're very good, my dear.
Where'd you train?
- Bellevue, Doctor.

Lovely place, Bellevue.

I had an uncle
who spent some time there.

Not a doctor, I'm afraid.

They caught him in the subway
wearing mirrors on top of his shoes.

Can we get on with the operation
and can the bugle oil?

It's very simple, Frank.

A lacerated artery
adjacent to the lower femur.

- That's above the knee.
- Wise apple!

Do you want to finish for me, Frank?

It's an easy operation.
You can do it with your eyes closed.

Maybe you'd like to try one
with your eyes open for a change.

- Vascular silk.
- Vascular silk.

- How's it goin', Doc?
- I say he's gonna have a boy.

Nurse King says a girl.

- Lacerated artery.
- Yep.

- I thought so. That's easy.
- Did I tell you?

- Suture scissors.
- Suture scissors.

- [Camera Clicks]
- Oh.

Give him some nitrous oxide.
Maybe we can get him to smile.

You're both a couple of ghouls.

I've got sh*ts of
every one of'em that lived.

It's a thing,
like stepping on a crack.

If I take their picture, they live.

And like an idiot,
I went to medical school.

What's his name, babe?

Corporal Howard Owens.

I think he's a repeater.

You're new here.

[Hawkeye] Lieutenant Cathy King,
Lieutenant Jack Mitchell.

Why don't we step outside, Frank?
Leave the young folks alone.

- See you around later, Lieutenant?
- Unless the w*r ends.

- How many will this make for you, Jack?
- 839.

Dangerous Dan's got 842.
I need three to tie.

Oh, now, that's disgusting!

We're talking about the wounded
he's brought back, Frank.

Hmm? Oh.

Listen, is it too much to ask that
we have some normal procedure in here?

I mean, really! The O.R.'s not supposed
to be some kind of coffee klatch...

where flyboys drop in
to boast about their records...

which those of us on the ground
could give less of a hoot about.

Or to promote a nurse, who is absolutely
going on report at the very next smirk.

Or to stand around
taking pictures of the wounded
for scrapbooks, for Pete's sake!

- Major? Smile.
- Hmm?

- Major.
- Captain.

Business is good, I see.
Certainly pays to advertise.

Shall we start our rounds?
I don't want to miss the ballet.

Hmm?

Uh, concussion from
an 85-millimeter shell.

Jarred the right eye
out of the socket.

- He replaced the eye himself
without serious damage.
- Hey!

Trying to put us doctors out of work,
sticking your own eye back in?

- Just happened to be
the first one there.
- Good point.

Continue him on the penicillin.

Yes, Doctor.

Lacerated femoral artery.
B.P. Stable. Temperature normal.

[B.J.]
Good distal pulses.

Continue bed rest.

- [Sighs] It's amazing.
- Pardon?

How Lois Lane never figures it out.

I know I'd recognize you if I saw you
in your underwear and a cape.

- That's hardly likely.
- Just a thought.

- What's a thought?
- No.

Seeing the major in her underwear.

Why would you want to do that?

- Is this Corporal Owens? Howard Owens?
- Right there.

- Corporal? Corporal Owens?
- Frank, he's supposed to sleep.

- Corporal? Corporal Owens?
- Frank, he's supposed to sleep.

This is a little more important
than sleep, pally.

Look alive there!

"The president of the United States
is proud to award...

Corporal Howard W. Owens
the Order of the Purple Heart...

as a tribute to his devotion
to duty and sacrifice made
in the line of that duty...

- and in the face of the enemy."
- [Margaret Sighs]

- He's asleep with excitement.
- Come on. Wake up, Owens.

Don't you understand?
You're getting the Purple Heart.

Sorry, sir.
This is my second one.

- Lucky pup.
I'd do anything to earn one.
- Short of getting wounded.

- Can we get on with it?
- I say we don't.

The patient needs rest more than
decoration. Why don't we present
the medal with milk and cookies?

You are demeaning a military citation
fraught with patriotism!

Heroism in battle must be
rewarded or else people will
behave the way they really feel.

A soldier must receive his medal...

so he will always remember
just what a token our gratitude is.

Oh, give him the medal.

- Ow!
- Sorry.

Is everything all right?

You're fine. All we have to do
is keep the doctors away from you.

- You up to me yet, Radar?
- Hold your potatoes...

uh, Colonel, sir.

Uh, it's okay, sir. Ready, uh...

- Read what we've got so far.
- Yes, sir.

"Major General Handley Wacker,
8th Army, I Corps..."

Etcetera, etcetera. Uh...

"Pursuant to your request,
this is a formal apology...

for the behavior
of Captain B.F. Pierce...

during your recent visit
to MASH 4077.

I certainly agree that
the captain was out of line...

when he showed up for
the unit inspection wearing
only an athletic supporter."

Sir, how many P's in supporter?

I've always found
two were enough for me.

Oh.

- As you know...
- As you know...

it is very difficult
to discipline doctors.

- Knock, knock.
- Jack Mitchell! Son of a g*n!

Smilin' Jack. I haven't seen you
since the 121 st Evac.

- You look terrific, sir.
Not a day older.
- So do you.

Well, whatever I've got
that's old falls away...

hair, teeth.

I brought a kid in to get patched up
and had to say hello.

Well, glad you did.
Listen, you old scrounger.

Where can I get some streptomycin?

I'm running low, and Supply is still
trying to get stuff to Valley Forge.

[In Irish Brogue] I just might be able
to lay me hands on a couple of cases.

Great. I'll give you some...

- What can we spare, Radar?
- We've got eight gallons of DDT, sir.

Oh. Then how about...

We've got a gross
of tongue depressors.

- Didn't we get two cases
of aftershave lotion?
- Aha!

The 8055th needs specimen bottles.
I'll take a case.

- Sir, we were gonna use 'em for that.
- Oh, give 'em to him, Radar.

We need the streptomycin.
We'll improvise.
We'll finish the letter later.

- You're welcome.
- Thank you.

Colonel?

- Now, that's a "cee-gar."
- From MacArthur's headquarters.

- Havana.
- Actually, it's a dozen
thin Cubans rolled together.

Much "obleeged," Lieutenant.
I'll save this for after dinner.

On second thought,
I'll have it for dinner.

Here you go.
It's good enough for MacArthur.

I'll probably develop an urge
to walk on the water.

- What's this?
- Nothin'.

Isn't that where the Australian nurse
scratched you?

Just 'cause I wanted to go home
in her pouch.

- I patched that months ago.
- Who counts?

Sir, there was only
half a case left.

- Honest.
- You owe me.

You still owe me for saying
that was a battle injury.

You weren't lyin'.

- "Inspection..."
- Sit down, Radar.

Let's pick it up
from athletic supporter.

As you know, it is very difficult
to discipline doctors.

"And Captain Pierce is no exception."

Did I say that?

Uh, you were about to, sir.

[Speaking Korean]

The syringe is going to go up
in the air, come down and stick
in the orange, right?

- That's right.
- Never. Uh-uh.

- That's what they said
about the Wright Brothers.
- They hustle drinks too?

Oh, yeah. They got that thing off
the ground for a free scotch and water.

[Makes Drumroll Sound]

[Laughing]

Double club soda, please,
on their tab.

- There's a magnet in the orange.
- That's it.

He peels the orange,
puts a magnet inside...

and then he glues the rind back on
the orange without a seam showing.

- And I don't know what the hell
I'm talkin' about.
- It's talent... pure talent.

- Club soda?
- Uh-huh.

That'll stunt your growth, you know.
The bubbles settle in your feet.

I'll take my chances.

- I can do it.
- Oh, yeah?

- I'll bet you an honorable discharge.
- You're on.

- [Makes Drumroll Sound] Is that right?
- Mmm-hmm.

[Hawkeye]
Colonel.!

- How many club sodas
did he stick you for?
- Two so far.

He took me for 17 one night.
Probably uses a loaded syringe.

You can use your own, sir.

Lieutenant Mitchell,
pending completion...

of a thorough physical examination,
you're officially grounded.

Sir?

I'm afraid that's an order.
Doctors, check him out.

124 over 82.

- Am I gonna live?
- Another 50, 60 years tops.

You certainly look in good shape.

I could've had his physique.
I turned it down.

Hold it one second.
One more thing.

- What's this for?
- We're gonna toast the kaiser.

Someone swiped our specimen jars.

We were told to improvise.
Do the best you can.

- Come on. You've got all you need.
- Hey, hey, hey!

- Potter said a complete physical.
- It's on the house. Come on.

Listen, I'm not fillin' it.

Go get your two cents back
on the bottle.

- What does Potter suspect, Jack?
- Save us all a lot of time.

I take forever to heal.

I'm always... thirsty.

Diabetes.

The needle.
You get a lot of practice.

I only need it once a day,
sometimes twice.

- [Hawkeye] Is that all?
- Well, sometimes three times.

- That's what Bela Lugosi said.
- Where do you get the insulin?

I can get anything. I got insulin
connections up to the yahoo.

- No problem.
- Yes, problem.

Oh, now... I was gonna hand
my wings in myself.

Dangerous Dan's got 842.
I only need three to tie.

Four to make chopper pilot
of the year.

- You'll have to settle
for Miss Congeniality.
- Sorry, Jack.

Nobody's gonna ground me yet. Nobody.

Temp normal, B.P. Stable.
He can be shipped tomorrow.

Good. About a week in Seoul
and you'll be back in action, fella.

Yes, sir.

Oh, how I envy you.
Right up there in the heat of battle.

The smell of powder, the cannon's roar,
Commies biting the dust.

[Laughs] We're really clobbering 'em
now that we got 'em to the peace table.

You give 'em what for, soldier.

Frank, can we take his drains out
before he reenlists?

The major was merely
preparing the patient...

to return to the duty
for which he was trained.

Why don't we just hit him on the nose
with a rolled-up newspaper?

Major.

- How you doing, Owens?
- Okay.

Can I talk to you, Doc?

Why do you think I came to Korea?

You know anything about psychiatry?

Enough to know I'm not supposed
to go steady with my mother.

A little.

I don't want to go back...
to the fighting.

Mmm. Sounds serious.

You may be coming down
with mental health.

This is the second time
I've been clobbered.

This'll be the second time
they'll put me back on the line.

- Have you ever been up there?
- Haven't had the pleasure.

[Sighs]

The Chinese blow bugles and whistles.

They put up a racket.
Boy, it's scary.

Why don't I quit? Go AWOL?

I just keep going back.

Like without me there's no w*r.

We all take orders.
Some take them better than others.

You're a good order-taker.

It's not a death wish, is it?
I read something about self-destruction.

You're not the self-destructive type.

Take it from the man who keeps putting
his finger in the pencil sharpener.

- [Banging Noises]
- Sir? Sir?

- Easy, Radar.
- Sir, it's Lieutenant Mitchell.

He took off. He's gonna make a pickup
down at the Battalion Aid Station.

Speaking of self-destruction.

- Is he the pilot that brought me in?
- Yeah.

- I hope they don't get him.
- If they don't, he will.

Radar, stay with him.
We were just talking about fear.

That's my best thing.

This is MASH 4077 calling
chopper 17-Fox-Able-Charlie.

Come in, 17-Fox-Able-Charlie.

Do you suppose any of us
will ever speak English again?

Do you read me?
Come in if you read me.

He is not supposed to be
flying around up there.

- Maybe his arms will get tired.
- Hysterical. I thought you grounded him.

I should've nailed him to the floor.

- Where'd you get that?
- The Petrified Forest.

They still open?

[Jack On Radio]
Chopper 17-Fox-Able-Charlie.

- That you, Colonel Potter?
- Jack, get back here.

- Can you hear me?
- Sorry, Colonel.

Worst you can do is send me home.

You're gonna do that anyway.

This is my last chance.
They're clobbering our guys here.

I can pick up four easy
and break Dangerous Dan's record.

The thing is, you get conditioned,
you know?

Yeah.

When I hear a twig snap,
I think it's a North Korean...

creeping up on me,
ready to slit my throat.

When I hear a twig snap,
I think it's my Uncle Ed...

coming to catch me with
my National Geographic.

You know, the African pictures?

When they sent me back
to the evac hospital...

all the nurses there
wore rubber-soled shoes.

At night, it sounded just like
the sneakers the Chinese wear.

Really?

You're half sunk in the mud
and you hear that squeak...

you know they're coming to get you.

I never sleep in the hospital.

Now they're sending me back.

Well, listen.
Maybe you should take this.

It's my lucky four-leaf clover.

It's a little squished.

I had it in my pocket
when a Jeep ran over me.

But mostly it works though.

It makes you feel like
nothing can happen to you.

- Can you spare it?
- Oh, sure.

I think I need less luck back here.

Gee.

You're a nice guy.

I used to get hit if I wasn't.

The first pilot I ever knew
was Duncan MacShane, World w*r I.

He used to fly low
and throw grenades at his targets.

Pulled a pin on one grenade, threw it,
and the wind dumped it back in his lap.

[Chuckles]
Oh, that smarts.

He tossed it out in time, but you
couldn't tell him anything either.

Should I be hearing Arthur Godfrey?

Jack's vision could blur.
He could black out. He's a sick man.

You realize if he crashes,
it goes on my record.

Besides, he owes me
two cases of streptomycin.

[Potter]
To get the four men he wants...

he's gonna have to put two
inside with him.

- They'll have to be small.
- My draft board's taking Boy Scouts.

[Potter] lfhe gets them on,
there's no way he can take off.

175 horsepower
just isn't enough to lift 'em.

If that character manages
to get off the ground...

and bring back four wounded
without k*lling them...

him or the chopper,
I want him to get a medal.

Then I want him locked up.

[Hawkeye]
Prep 'em. We'll be right down.!

That's it, Jack.
The sky's off-limits now.

Who cares? I did it!
I did it! 843!

Chopper pilot of the year,
possibly of all time!

Just to make sure you stay grounded,
let's have it.

Oh, yeah. Sure. Anything.

Oh.

Sorry, Jack.

Guess I'll sell my club soda stock.

I hated to be the one to
blow the whistle on you, Jack.

No sweat, Colonel.
A few sitting lessons...

and I'll be able to solo
at a desk in no time.

- I'm not worried about you.
- I'll send you a box of cigars.

- I got nothing to trade.
- Just gift wrap a nurse.

- That's a deal.
- See ya.

We'll do triage here.
We may have a blood problem.

- Line up some donors.
- I'll tell Major Houlihan.

- Hey.
- I'm supposed to leave on this bus.

They gotta get the wounded off first.

I know you're working.
I just wanna say thanks.

And I hope I never
see you again, you know?

Yeah.

Listen, just keep down low,
huh? Okay.

- Owens?
- Yes, sir.

- How's the leg?
- Fine, sir.

- Where you headed?
- Seoul for now.

Then probably back up to the front.

They're taking me out of the game.

Here. Let me give you a hand.

Suppose the Gypsies
switched them at birth?

- Not a very fair w*r.
- Contradiction in terms.

Roy, Dennis?
This one, stat.

We got more casualties coming,
but the blood donors are lined up.

- Could you use a pint, extra sweet?
- On the bus!

A little respect, please,
for the chopper pilot of the year.

I don't think so, sir.

- Dangerous Dan?
- Uh-huh.

He's bringing in two more.

You go scrub up.
I'll do triage from the pad.

I'll do triage up there!

[Potter] Wildest pilot I ever knew,
old Duncan MacShane.

Flew his plane through a hangar once,
came out the other side...

turned around,
did the same thing again.

The squadron leader yelled,
"I thought I told you to put
that plane in the hangar."

MacShane yells back,
"I've had it there twice.

- Why don't someone lock the door?"
- [Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

- Get quite a repertoire
from three wars, eh, Colonel?
- Sad to say.

- Of the three wars, Colonel...
- Hmm?

Which would you say was the worst?

[Radar On P.A.]
Attention all personnel.

By the close of today's fighting...

the 1 st Battalion
of the Gloucester Regiment...

has lost an estimated 500 men
of its 600-man complement.

Each and every one, Hawkeye.

Each and every one.