05x14 - Mac Davis

[bunniefuu]

Aw, drat this thing!

[STATIC CRACKLING]

Never works.
I'm gonna miss my favorite program.

-Hi, Pops.
-Who's that?

I'm Johnny Cash.
I sing and play a little guitar.

How about that?
Johnny Cash is on the radio!

I'm not on the radio.

What? I can't hear you.

-Why don't you turn the volume up?
-Oh, okay.

[STATIC CONTINUES CRACKLING]

-Can you hear better now?
-Yeah.

It's like he's right here
in the room with me.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Johnny Cash.

[CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[DUCK QUACKS & GONZO SCREAMS]

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and howdy! Ha, ha.

Tonight The Muppet Show
goes country western,

and our guest star
is the king of country western music,

Mr. Johnny Cash!

Yes! And as an added surprise,

the show is going to be broadcast live
over radio station WHOG.

-♪ W ♪
-♪ H ♪

-♪ O ♪
-♪ G ♪

ALL: ♪ Love us like an old hound dog
We're country radio ♪

-♪ W ♪
-♪ H ♪

-♪ O ♪
-♪ G ♪

Why are you guys doing that?
We're not even broadcasting yet.

ALL:
♪ We're just rehearsing ♪

Uh, off, off, off.
Get out, get out, get out.

-Excuse me.
-What?

-Just fixing to check the sound.
-Huh?

Testing. One, two, a boy named Sue.

Three, four, there ain't no more.

Yeah, terrific. Now can I start the show?

Oh, you can't start.
We ain't broadcasting yet.

Well, I can't help that.

Ladies and gentlemen,
before our radio broadcast begins,

here's a great country group.

They used to be enemies, but, well,
I'll let them tell their own stories.

Here they are,
the Martins and the Coys! Yay!

[PLAYING UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪ Gather round me, children
And I'll tell a story ♪

ALL: ♪ Of the mountains
In the days when g*ns were law ♪

♪ When two families got disputin' ♪

♪ It was bound to end in sh**t' ♪

♪ So just listen close
I'll tell you what I saw ♪

ALL: ♪ Oh, the Martins and the Coys
They were reckless mountain boys ♪

♪ And they took up family feudin'
When they'd meet ♪

♪ They would sh**t each other quicker
Than it took your eye to flicker ♪

♪ They could knock a squirrel's eye out
At 90 feet ♪

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN: You all right, Jake?
JAKE: I'm all right!

I can really bushwhack them from up here.

Are you a Martin or a Coy?

Neither one. I'm a music lover.

[STATLER & WALDORF LAUGH]

[MARTINS & COYS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

No sh**ting in the theater!

[YELPS]

No fighting in the theater either!

Hey, that opening number bombed.

Well, no bombing in the theater.

[b*mb EXPLODES]

[BILLY YELPS]

[KERMIT SIGHS]

Now, listen,
what's all this stuff doing on my desk?

Well, Mr. Frog, you said
we could broadcast from y'all's theater.

I said you could put a microphone
on the stage.

Now, Fozzie Bear on next. Fozzie Bear.

Well, you see, your microphone,
it feeds into your preamp here.

Then you got your mixing board
and your patch panels.

What's this wire here about?

[FOZZIE LAUGHS]

Whoa!

About neck high.

Uh, Fozzie, are you okay?

Could you please postpone my act, Kermit?
I got a little sore throat.

Mm. Uh, Johnny Cash.
Johnny Cash on-stage, please.

When are you gonna start this broadcast?

Well, whenever Big Tiny Tallsaddle
gets here.

Howdy, howdy, frogs and neighbors!

And here he is.

Big Tiny Tallsaddle here a-talking at you.

Okay, Billy boy, if you're all saddled up,

let's climb aboard Old Paint
and get this here roundup a-going.

Oh, you betcha, Big Tiny.

Translate for me.
Does that mean you're about to broadcast?

-Yeah.
-Okay, I'll introduce Johnny Cash.

Who's that little green fella?

Why, I think he's called Gonzo the Frog.

Okay, and now it's time
to introduce our very special guest,

one of country-western music's
all-time great stars.

-Ladies and gentlemen, here--
-Step aside, Gonzo.

-This is the big time.
-Four, three, two... You're on, Big Tiny.

-♪ W ♪
-♪ H ♪

-♪ O ♪
-♪ G ♪

ALL:
♪ One to get ready, two to go ♪

♪ On the Big Tiny Tallsaddle Show ♪

Yes, sir. Thank you, thank you.
Howdy, friends and neighbors.

This is Big Tiny Tallsaddle

coming at you from radio station WHOG.

W-Hog, where everybody has a swill time.

And tonight
we're broadcasting live from...

-What's the name of this theater?
-This is the Muppet Theatre--

Yeah, right. From the Muffin Theater!

Let's kick things off
with an old buddy of mine,

Mr. Johnny Cash!

Uh, Mr. Johnny Cash! Yay!

[PLAYING MOODY COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪ An old cowboy went riding out
One dark and windy day ♪

♪ Upon a ridge he rested
As he went along his way ♪

♪ When all at once a mighty herd
Of red-eyed cows he saw ♪

♪ Plowing through the ragged sky ♪

♪ And up a cloudy drawl ♪

♪ Their brands were still on fire
And their hooves were made of steel ♪

♪ Their horns were black and shiny
And their hot breath he could feel ♪

♪ A bolt of fear went through him
As they thundered through the sky ♪

♪ For he saw the riders coming hard ♪

♪ And he heard their mournful cry ♪

♪ Yippie-yai-yo ♪

GONZO:
♪ Yippie-yai-yo ♪

♪ Yippie-yai-yay ♪

♪ Yippie-yai-yay ♪

ALL:
♪ Ghost riders in the sky ♪

♪ Their faces gaunt
Their eyes were blurred ♪

♪ Their shirts all soaked with sweat ♪

♪ He's riding hard to catch that herd
But he ain't caught them yet ♪

♪ They've got to ride forever
On that range up in the sky ♪

♪ On horses snorting fire ♪

♪ As they ride on, hear their cry ♪

♪ As the riders loped on by him
He heard one call his name ♪

♪ "If you want to save your soul from hell
A-riding on our range ♪

♪ Cowboy, change your ways today
Or with us you will ride ♪

♪ Trying to catch the devil's herd ♪

♪ Across these endless skies" ♪

♪ Yippie-yai-yo ♪

GONZO:
♪ Yippie-yai-yo ♪

♪ Yippie-yai-yay ♪

GONZO:
♪ Yippie-yai-yay-- ♪

[GONZO SCREAMS]

ALL:
♪ Ghost riders in the sky ♪

GONZO:
Turn around, Potsy. Turn around.

[COW MOOS]

ALL:
♪ Ghost riders in the sky ♪

GONZO:
Hyah! Hyah!

Right, move. Move.

Huh, if men that ride horses
are called cowboys,

what do you call chickens that ride cows?

Stupid.

Ah, thank you, thank you, Johnny Cash.

Now, that's what I call
a real country classic.

Excuse me, I think I'm on next.

You? Why, you're a dog.

Yup, ever since I was a pup.

[CHUCKLES]

Go bury a bone.

-Huh?
-Get!

[GROWLS]

Woof!

All right.

And now that great old-time country act,

Grandpa McGuire and His Whistling Bricks.

-You're not Grandpa McGuire.
-I sent him home.

Listen, I'm the one that says what goes on
and what doesn't go on on this show.

Let's have a big hand
for this little fella.

He's gonna show off his championship style

that won him
the Calaveras County frog-jumping contest.

Hey, I am not.

I've never been
in any frog-jumping contest in my life.

-Billy boy, you got them red-hot marbles?
-What?

Sure do, Big Tiny.

[MARBLES CLACKING & KERMIT YELPING]

Let's hear it for the frog-jumping champ!
Ha, ha!

[YELPING]

That Big Tiny Tallsaddle
is driving me crazy.

He won't even let me stay on my own stage.

Careful what you say about Big Tiny.

I will not be careful! He makes me mad!
He makes me angry!

Kermit, why are you getting so angry?

That Big Tiny Tallsaddle.

I promised him
he could do his radio show here,

but he acts like he owns this theater.

Big Tiny Tallsaddle is as tough
as a 25-cent steak.

Well, he can't be that bad.

[MICROPHONE STAND CLANGS]

All I did was drop Big Tiny's guitar pick.

It's getting worse.

All right. And so the show goes on here
at Mighty Hog Radio.

♪ For that finger-lickin' country sound,
Out in the boonies and far around, ♪

-♪ It's W ♪
-♪ H ♪

-♪ O ♪
-♪ G♪

-All right. What's next?
-Uh, Lew Zealand and the Gills Brothers.

Yeah, well, they'd better be good, Frog.

I got plenty of these
microphone stands left, you know.

Yeah, uh, ladies and gentlemen,
Lew Zealand! Yay!

♪ Sometimes I do what I wanna.
Heh. Sometimes I do what I ought. ♪

♪ Sometimes I feel a great notion
To jump in a net and get caught! ♪

Everybody!

ALL: ♪ Goodnight, Sardine
Goodnight, Sardine ♪

♪ Goodnight, Sardine, goodnight, Sardine,
I'll see you in my stream. ♪

-♪ Last Saturday night I got married. ♪
-♪ Ooo-ooo-ooo ♪

-♪ Didn't even let Mom and Dad know. ♪
-♪ Ooo-ooo-ooo ♪

♪ But my soulmate got hooked
On an earthworm, ♪

♪ And all I've got left is shallow. ♪

♪ Oh, stop foundering!
Stop your floundering! ♪

♪ Oh, you need a new porpoise in life!
Heh heh! ♪

♪ Don't do what that sturgeon is urgin'! ♪

♪ Go home to your swell-fish wife!
Oh! So-- ♪

ALL: ♪ Goodnight, Sardine
Goodnight, Sardine ♪

♪ Goodnight, Sardine,
Goodnight, Sardine, ♪

♪ I'll see you in my stre-e-e-am! ♪

Poor soul. He lost his sardine.

Well, finders kippers.

Okay, well, moving right along
with our evening of country-western music,

ladies and gentlemen, once again,
Mr. Johnny Cash! Yeah!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you.
I'd like to make a special dedication now.

I would like to do a song
especially for Big Tiny Tallsaddle.

It's his favorite,
and it goes something like this.

Excuse me, John,
but can I play the piano on this song?

I really don't think I need an accompanist
on this song.

-Thank you.
-That's okay. That's what I'm here for.

-What are you gonna sing?
-I don't think you know this song.

-Well, what key is it in?
-Well, it's in A-flat.

Okay, well just give me an A
and I'll flatten it myself. Ha, ha.

You just sing,
and I'm gonna follow right along.

-Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you.
-Okay.

Just jump in anytime now.

♪ Well, he's not very handsome
To look at ♪

♪ Oh, he's shaggy and eats like a hog ♪

♪ And he's always k*lling my chickens ♪

Who's that?

♪ That dirty old egg-sucking dog ♪

[GASPS]

Wha...?

Here comes the chorus now.

♪ Egg-sucking dog ♪

This is terrible.

♪ I'm gonna stomp your head
In the ground ♪

Oh, no.

♪ If you don't stay out of my henhouse ♪

♪ You dirty old egg-sucking hound ♪

But that's a lie.
I never touched a chicken in my life.

I can't stand them.
They're nasty, scrawny old things.

Oh, it's nothing personal.
It's just a song.

♪ If he don't stop eating my eggs up ♪

♪ Though I'm not a real bad guy ♪

♪ I'm going to take my r*fle
And send him ♪

♪ To that great chicken house in the sky ♪

Everybody sing!

ALL:
♪ Egg-sucking dog ♪

♪ I'm gonna stomp your head
In the ground ♪

They wouldn't do that.

♪ If you don't stay out of my henhouse ♪

♪ You dirty old egg-sucking hound ♪

I told you, I don't like chickens.
I hate chickens.

I heard that.

Get him, girls.

[CHICKENS SQUAWKING]

[ROWLF YELLING]

Hey, you know how dogs
like their eggs cooked?

-No.
-Pooched!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Billy boy, this here radio broadcast
is gonna be a hit.

Well, it's a dud for us dogs.

And an insult to the poultry of the world.

[GONZO SCOFFS]

Fozzie, if you're okay,
I'll introduce you.

-Yes.
-Hold back there, Gonzo the Frog.

Who are you going to introduce?

[SIGHS]

No, no, the name is Kermit.

Okay. The bear's name is Kermit.

I got it. What does he do?

-Well, if you must know, he's the comic.
-Aha.

Sorry, only one comic works
The Big Tiny Tallsaddle Show:

my nephew Wild Wally Whoopie.

-What?
-Another comic?

Uh, listen, on The Muppet Show,
Fozzie Bear is the comic.

Yes!

Fozzie and Kermit Bear?
What is it, a brother act?

Okay, folks, it's comedy time,
and here is our own--

Hold on, little green buddy.
Which comic you introducing?

I was introducing our own comedian.

Yes, folks, and here he is,
that wild wit of the West,

Wonderful Wally Whoopie!

Fozzie Bear! Yay!

Hiya, hiya, hiya. Thank you, thank you.

Howdy, friends.
Wonderful Wally Whoopie here and--

Whoa, Nellie!

You folks watching on radio
won't believe this,

but I am standing next to a wild bear.

Oh, no, no, sir. I'm not a wild--

Well, I mean, I'm a bear,
but I'm not wild.

Whoa. Listen, I don't blame you.
I'm not wild about bears either.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, I am a comedian.

-A comedian?
-Yes.

You know the most important thing
about being a comedian?

-No, what's the most import--?
-Timing!

Let's hear one of your jokes, comedian.

Oh, all right. Ahem.

[BLOWS]

Ahem. See, this walrus,
he goes into the theater...

Hey, you're not nervous, are you?

-Well, a little bit, yeah.
-A little.

Why, folks, he's as nervous as a frog
on a freeway with his hopper busted.

-Go ahead with your little story.
-Thank you. This walrus--

-And don't be nervous.
-Fine.

-This walrus--
-This better be good, folks.

-Ahh.
-What's the matter, cat got your joke?

Why don't you forget
about being a comedian?

Why don't you learn to ride a bicycle
and join the circus?

Oh, no, no. I wanna get laughs.

Fall off the bike.

Listen, you've been a great stooge.

And to show you what kind of guy
Wally Whoopie is,

I'm inviting you up to my ranch
for the weekend.

You mean--?

Oh, wow, thank you, thank you.

-I just want you to go up there and relax.
-I will.

Stretch out on the floor and take it easy.

On the floor?

Yes, my regular rug's at the cleaners.

Thank you, thank you.
Keep them cards and letters coming in.

Yes, indeed, we'll see you soon
if the creek don't rise.

All right.

Let's hear it for the funniest man
west of West of the Pecos,

Wally Whoopie!

Come on out, Wally.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, good man.

And while we're at it,

let's have a murmur of sympathy
for that poor sap Fozzie Bear.

-Okay, that does it.
-Huh?

How dare you say things like that
about my friend Fozzie?

This bear is one of the stars
of The Muppet Show.

-He's loving and friendly...
-And funny.

He's dedicated, loyal, trustworthy...

Funny.

...uh, handsome, generous,
sweet, gentle, charming...

Funny.

...and very, very funny.

[GASPS THEN LAUGHS]

-Mwah, mwah. Thank you. Ha-ha-ha.
-Yep, yeah.

Now, Tallsaddle,
just get out of the theater.

-What?
-You heard me.

My friends and I work hard every week
to do a good show,

and we don't need your kind around
being mean and cruel.

Speaking of being cruel,

I have this little trick I like to do
with necks and microphone stands.

Wait a minute, Mr. Tallsaddle.
I was out in the alley,

and some kids were letting the air
out of your horse!

Huh? My horse?

Hey, you kids get away from that horse!
That's a brand-new horse!

-Lock the door, Beau!
BEAUREGARD: Okay.

[DOOR CLANGS]

Letting the air out of his horse?

Well, it's all I could think of.

Whatever. Scooter, listen,
you got rid of Tallsaddle.

I can't thank you enough.

Oh, gee, Kermit, I don't need thanks.

Course, I could use some cash.

Well, of course you could use some cash.
Cash is exactly what we all need.

So let's just sit back and enjoy the music
of the one and only Johnny Cash!

-Yay!
-But-- But, no, see, I--

Scooter, will you get off? Yay!

[PLAYING UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

Everybody make like a train now.

[BAND CHUGGING]

♪ Hey, look a-yonder comin' ♪

♪ Comin' down that railroad track ♪

♪ Look a-yonder comin' ♪

♪ Comin' down that railroad track ♪

♪ That's that Orange Blossom Special ♪

♪ Bringing my baby back
Hi, baby ♪

[BAND CONTINUES CHUGGING]

♪ We got married in a fever ♪

♪ Hotter than a pepper sprout ♪

♪ We've been talking about Jackson ♪

♪ Ever since the fire went out ♪

♪ I'm going to Jackson ♪

♪ I'm gonna mess around ♪

♪ Honey, I'm going to Jackson ♪

♪ Look out, Jackson town ♪

Yahoo!

♪ Well, go on down to Jackson ♪

-♪ Go ahead and wreck your health ♪
-♪ Wreck your health ♪

♪ Go play your hand, you big-talking man ♪

♪ Make a big fool of yourself ♪

♪ Yeah, go to Jackson ♪

♪ Go comb your hair ♪

♪ Oh, honey, I'm gonna snowball Jackson ♪

[SCOFFS]

♪ See if I care ♪

[BAND CONTINUES CHUGGING]

♪ Well, you talk about ramblin' ♪

♪ She's the fastest train on the line ♪

Uh-huh!

♪ Hey, you talk about ramblin' ♪

Whoo!

♪ She's the fastest train on the line ♪

♪ That's that Orange Blossom Special ♪

Uh-huh!

♪ Rolling down the seaboard line ♪

ALL:
♪ It's that Orange Blossom Special ♪

♪ Rolling down the seaboard line ♪

Again.

ALL:
♪ It's that Orange Blossom Special ♪

♪ Rolling down the seaboard line ♪

It looks like we've come down
to the end of the line.

But before we go,

let us have a big round of applause
for our guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Cash! Yay!

Yes! Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you. It's been my pleasure.
I've enjoyed being with you.

Well, we had a good time too,
once we got rid of Big Tiny Tallsaddle.

BIG TINY: Hey, you!
-Uh-oh.

Looks like you spoke too soon.
Look who's here.

Uh, listen, Big Tiny,
I thought I told you...

Now, take it easy, Gonzo.

Just come back
to borrow your bicycle pump.

What?

Well, I gotta pump up Old Paint
before they tow him away.

-Pump up Old Paint?
-Uh, I'll explain later.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

What kind of a show would you call that?

Frankly, I'd call it quits.

BOTH:
Quits! Quits!