01x09 - iMLM

[bunniefuu]

Question: I'm the most
sensitive guy you know.

Not a question.

Thank you.

Why do you sort of ask?

Well, I went on a date with this woman,

and she said I wasn't sensitive enough.

Apparently, I'm a bad listener
and... blah, blah, blah.

Look, you're super nice,

but you don't always have
the best attention span,

so it can come off a little insensitive.

I never noticed that.

I was reading a book on how crystals

can regulate your menstrual cycle,

- and...
- Bep-bep-bep. I'm gonna stop you.

I just became hyperaware of my feet.

Every movement, every twitch.

You know, I have some
great listening exercises

- to help you improve your...
- Bep-bep-bep.

I don't need to, and
I don't need you doing

your little fixy thing.

What do you mean?

You're a meddler.

It's sweet you want to
help, but you go too far.

No, I'm not a meddler.

I just give amazing unsolicited advice.

I have to leave for my interview

with that big stylist in seconds.

- How do I look?
- Uh, here, let me just...

Was actually just looking
for validation, but...

She's meddling!

You are gonna crush that
meeting like a soda can.

Oh, thanks for the pep talk.

I actually need it. I'm super stressed.

I have a shift at Skybucks
right after the interview.

- Guess what?
- Can't guess. No time.

Griffin, that badass guy I dated...

Who turned out to be obsessed
with collecting Pee Wee Babies?

- Yeah. Not so badass.
- Oh!

- [COUGHS]
- So, he DM'd me to meet up.

I guess I'm just the one that got away.

Oh! Well... Oh! Have him
meet you at Skybucks

so I can watch the whole thing go down.

- Mm. Love you. Bye!
- Love you. Bye!

- Hey, Harper. How are you? Oh.
- Can't talk. No time.

So, Freddie, how's the glamorous
world of tech support?

He asked, sensitively.

It sucks. But I've saved
up almost $ , ,

so pretty soon,

I can move out of my mom's.

Got my eye on a place
with a Peloton on the roof.

It's like cycling but outside.

I just need another thousand
bucks, and I'm good to go.

Which could take a while.

Millicent just discovered birding.

Strangely expensive hobby.

Maybe you need a side
hustle. You could babysit.

I already do. All the time. For free.

It's called being a parent.

[PHONE RINGS]

Thank you for calling
NoJudgementTechSupport.com,

where we close your browser
tabs for you. This is Freddie.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Let me ask you this: is
your device plugged in?

There we go.

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see
the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best
and leave the rest to me. ♪

Hey, CJ! [CHUCKLES]

As your friend, I say, "Hey, queen".

But as your new
assistant manager, I say,

"We need a coach and counsel".

Ooh, is that where we spill
the tea on our coworkers?

'Cause Angel's new purse
is a horror show.

I gave her that purse.

Harper, you're three minutes late.

I had an important interview.

Working for this stylist
could change my life.

As your friend, I say, "You go, girl".

But as your assistant manager
coming into their power,

I say, "Do it again, and you're fired".

Oh, hey, Carly.

You mind flipping off
my assistant manager?

They can't fire you. Oh.

Griffin's over there.

How'd you know that was him?

Oh, he looks like the kind of guy

who used to wear his
backpack with one strap.

Ooh, you trying to strap him back on?

Your euphemisms confuse me, but maybe.

Hey, Carly, over here.

Oh, hey, Griffin.

You look amazing. How are you?

I'm great. How are you?

Are you leaning more towards
stealing motorcycles

or temperature-controlling
stuffed animals?

Oh, my Pee Wee Baby days are long gone.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

I had to sell them to
pay for my settlement.

Apparently, you can't just
say you're a hypnotist.

Anyway, long story short,

bankruptcy, prison, I'm infertile.

[CHUCKLES]

This latte is a delight.

Yeah. Uh, so nice to see
you, platonic friend.

By the way, you seem very
calm considering you've...

lived a lot of life.

It's 'cause I found Sand.

Sand?

It's this genius line of supplements.

I use Calm Sand. You just take some,

put it in your water, and it
"sands" away the rough parts.

If I didn't have this,

I'd probably drive my motorcycle
off a bridge. [LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLING]

Want to try some?

Sure. Uh,

Sand me.

- So, what's in it?
- Antioxidants, superfoods,

organic mood boosters.

I guess I have a pretty
stress-packed day.

What do you think?

♪ ♪

It's actually amazing.

I've never felt so calm.

Like a snowy owl on the quiet tundra,

watching the sunrise.

Hoo. Hoo.

You sure there's nothing in there

the DEA would object to?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, Spence.

Griffin's made a ton of money off of it.

Freddie, this could be your side hustle.

- Hmm.
- Carly...

Not meddling. Just saying, "Try it".

See if you like it.

There's all different kinds of Sand.

Griffin gave me this sample pack.

More like "sand-ple" pack.

[CHUCKLES] Maybe there's some
Funny Sand in there, Dad Jokes.

Sensitivity Sand? [GASPS]

This'll come in handy. The
woman from the other night

wants to give me a second chance.

She wants to watch a documentary
about a penguin orphanage,

and if I don't cry, I am
gonna hear about it.

Brave Sand. "For people who have
trouble standing up to bullies".

Oh, perfect.

Millicent scheduled
a serious talk with me

when she gets home from school.

I heard back from the stylist.

[ALL]: And... ?

I didn't get it.

[ALL]: Aw.

I wish I would've had
more time to prepare,

but Skybucks has me opening, closing,

and in-betweening so much,

I wasn't as ready as I could've been.

- [ALL]: Oh.
- Stop doing that.

You know what you need? Happy Sand.

Unless it's sand under a beach towel

I'm sharing with Cara Delevingne
on a romantic Miami getaway,

it's not gonna make me happy.

You're very welcome. If you'd
like to take a brief survey,

please stay on the... Hello?

Sir, I know you're still there.
You just said, "Click".

I'm ready for our meeting, Mr. Benson.

[SIGHS] Okay.

Let me take a sh*t of courage first.

Okay, let's do this. [EXHALES]

This is important, so I put
together a presentation

that people from your
generation will understand.

[OVER COMPUTER]: Extra! Extra!

Breaking news from the Emerald City.

What's that, you say?

This little girl's gotten all A's

and still isn't allowed to have a doggy?

Aw, but she looks so
lonely without a pupper!

How much is that doggy in the window?

It'll only cost you peanuts.

_

No.

What?! But I made a
video and everything.

And I'm in the hole for two clams

on a s lingo app.

I was born in the ' s.

[SCOFFS] Look,

having a dog is a lot of responsibility.

The feeding, the walking, the pooping.

My God, the pooping.

I want a dog.

How 'bout we start you off
with something easier?

Like a pet rock?

- How 'bout a cat?
- Sea monkeys.

- Gerbil. Fish.
- Ant farm. Deal.

Tough negotiation, Dad.

Normally, you just
cave into a fetal ball.

Pleasure doing business.

I don't suppose you'd like
to take a brief survey?

Click.

Carly!

How are you?

I'm good. You?

I hear you saying you're good,

but I still need to acknowledge
the cruelty of my actions.

I never should've accused
you of caring too much.

If anything, I should've accused you

of being just so gosh darn wonderful.

- Come here.
- Aw.

Thank you.

- I just like to help my friends.
- Mm.

Don't really need a hug

to still be happening.

Everybody needs a hug.

And if it's a convenient
time, I got you this gift.

It's a menstrual crystal.

Oh.

Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

But, you know, I was
just saying that stuff

about the book to mess with you.

I misunderstood your joke.

And for that, I apologize.

Wow. That Sensitivity Sand really works.

[HIGH-PITCHED]: Do you not want it?!

Oh. No, it's...

It's great.

Thank you, Carly.

If you hadn't have meddled,

I never would have
found Sensitivity Sand.

And then where would I be?

[VOICE BREAKING]: Lost.

That's where.

I feel that it's best

you process these emotions on your own.

[SIGHS] You know who else needs a hug?

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Freddie?

Over here.

- What is all this?
- [GRUNTS]

You said I needed a side
hustle. I'm side-hustling.

Say hello to the latest Sandbassador.

- Wow, that's amazing. Congrats.
- Yeah.

- But they just gave you all this inventory?
- Yeah,

once I gave them $ , ,

which was an amazing discount.

But wasn't that all the money you saved

so that you could move out
and get your own apartment?

Nah, Griffin says I'll make
my money back super fast.

And then Millicent and I will
be out of Mom's apartment.

I already joined the waitlist
to use the rooftop Peloton.

Mondays at : a.m., here I come.

What's the problem? You love Sand.

Yeah, but I just thought
you'd start small

and work your way up.

Freddie, spending all your money

- is a huge risk.
- Eh.

I'd be really, really
worried for you now

- if I wasn't all hopped up on Calm Sand.
- [CHUCKLES]

Thank you, Carly.

I am standing on the
precipice of total success

or absolute failure,

and you're pushing me over the cliff.

Harper, I have a huge prob...

Whoa.

You're dressed as a normie.

Look away.

The pain of this polycotton
blend against my skin

is a direct reflection of
the pain I feel inside.

I'm really sorry. But your pain,

like that shirt, will shrink and fade.

I promise. You'll have
other opportunities.

Yeah, other opportunities to fail.

This shirt is a lie!

[WHISPERS]: And it's from an outlet.

Well, things could always be worse.

I hate when people try to cheer you up

by saying, "Things could be worse".

Unless you know a specific person

for whom things are worse,
in which case, dish.

It's Freddie.

Aw, poor guy. Tell me everything.

I can feel my emotional healing already.

I told him to get a side hustle,

and he spent his life savings on Sand.

What if he can't sell
it and he gets stuck

with his mom forever,
and it's all my fault?

- Yeah. That's the good stuff.
- Wait.

I can help him sell it.

I have three million subscribers,

and Sand is amazing.

The day is saved.

I'm going back to my neck massager.

"The creature revealed
itself in the moonlight.

A dragon ten times the boy's size".

A dragon is like a giant land fish,

but not as cool as you, Donut.

Now that we have your laptop sorted,

can I interest you in a
supplement to... Hello?

Look, Millicent, it's great

that you're spending so much
time with your new pet.

Um, excuse you? Donut is my daughter.

Just don't forget about your
homework and your chores.

Oh, I'll juggle it all. Like
working moms everywhere.

Hey.

How's it going with the Sand?

Great! Sold a case to Spencer.

That's a start. Anyone else?

Uh, not yet. You know, mostly
just putting out feelers.

Getting the word out. Branding.

Begging.

He made me text my bus driver.

Well, beg no more.

We're gonna sell Sand on iCarly.

No, stop, I'm no hero.

That seems like I'd be expanding
to a much bigger market.

Yeah! It'll be great. We can
even have testimonials

from you and me and Spencer

if he ever stops crying in the bath.

We'll make your money back in no time.

Okay, sure.

You know, I'll order more
Sand so I'm ready.

Wait, I-I just meant to sell
what you already have.

You know what's really brave?

Playing it safe.

No, you're right.

Expanding is totally the right call.

Hey, Mom! I need a loan!

Well, there goes your
college fund, Donut.

She's getting a scholarship.

Yeah. A sales chart,

people calling in...
the whole QVC shebang.

We'll even do testimonials.

I'll do my classic owl speech.

Do you think you could cry?

Oh, no problem.

[VOICE BREAKING]:
This stuff is like Pixar.

Harper, you sure I can't
offer you some Sand?

They have one for Gen
Z-level confidence.

Nothing's gonna cheer me up.

Especially when everyone else's life

is going so perfectly.

I just made VIP Diamond Salesperson

for North Seattle District.
Can you believe it?

VIPDS for NSD!

Plus, I got this awesome Sand Scooter.

This is not fun for me.

I thought you only sold one case.

I did. But that netted me
, bonus Sand Coins,

which I used to buy more Sand.

Oh, I'm gonna be rich.

Which is why I quit my job.

You quit your job? You can't quit.

You have a daughter to support
and a mother to placate.

Brave Sand Freddie leaps
without a net, baby!

I am so ready for this iCarly
Sand-sational Sales event!

[WHOOPS]

Today, he has wheels.
Tomorrow, he'll fly.

Yeah, fly into debt.

It took me a minute to figure it out,

but Sand is shady.

It's an MLM.

Nuh-uh.

What is that?

Multilevel marketing.

It's a pyramid scheme.

Companies get you to buy
inventory of phony products

that you can't sell
'cause they don't work,

so your only way out is to
recruit more salespeople.

I learned all about it
on my favorite podcast,

Scam Empress.

That's not what's going on here.

Hmm. They keep sellers
interested with cheap prizes,

fancy titles and
worthless fake currency.

Check, check and ch-check.

You said MLM products
are bogus, but Sand works.

I'm calm, Spencer's sensitive,

and Freddie's so brave he
inadvisably quit his job.

Now, if you'll just excuse me,

I have a Sand-sational
Sales event to prepare for.

I've got my head in the Sand,
and it's staying there.

They make baby carriers for goldfish?

They make everything on Etsy.

Clearly, you didn't check my registry.

I don't believe in registries.
No one tells me how to shop.

Well, I'll take a black
coffee for myself

and a seaweed tea for her.

[LAUGHS] I'll give you an apple juice

and a pass on our zero-tolerance
policy for non-service animals.

Fine. I'll feed her myself.

What are you doing here, anyway?

I'm here for my Fishy and Me group.

I love Donut, but it's nice to connect

with other parents.

I need something just for me.

That's fair.

Oh, my God! I think I k*lled my baby.

Why did I ever do anything just for me?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened?

I fed Donut this dumb Brave Sand

instead of fish food!

How did I mix these up?

Because they look identical.

Put out your hands.

They're the exact same.

Brave Sand is fish food!

I was right. It's a scam.

Carly and Freddie are
about to go on her show

and sell this junk to her subscribers.

I have to warn them.

- Oh.
- Hey, Harpsichord.

Hey, CJ-piano.

Listen, I have an MLM/friendship
emergency, so I got to go.

As your friend, I say,
"We've all been there".

But as your assistant manager, I say,

"Employees must complete
their shifts as scheduled".

But I covered for you

when you had to chaperone
your dog's honeymoon.

As your friend, La Roux, Cookie and I

will never forget your generosity.

But as your assistant manager, you...

Let me stop you right there.

This job is holding me
back in all types of ways.

So, as your employee, I say,

"I quit".

But as your friend, I say,
"Drinks this weekend?"

All right.

Everyone get ready for a...

[ECHOING]: Sandstorm!

♪ ♪

I'm Freddie, VIPDS for NSD.

And I'm Griffin, VIPPSC of NSD and EST.

Not a licensed hypnotist.

And I'm Carly.

Hello.

Today, we're here to tell you

- about a product we love: Sand!
- Sand!

Sand is a mood booster brimming
with life-positive elements.

But don't take our word for it.

Let's hear it from a real Sand fan,

- Spencer Shay!
- [WHOOPS]

Thank you for letting me speak my truth.

Before Sand, I listened,
but I didn't hear.

I heard, but I didn't understand.

I understood, but I pretended not to

so I didn't have to give the
Greenpeace guy my email.

With Sensitivity Sand,
all that has changed.

And with every box of Sand you buy

using promo code "Freddie B",

we'll give you five percent off,

and you'll get to watch Spencer
mark it off on our neato chart.

- Scooter break!
- [WHOOPS]

Yeah!

[WHISPERING]: Carly!

Carly! Sand! Fish food!

I'm in the middle of something.

- [SCOFFS]
- And let's hear how Calm Sand

can Zen you out.

From the hostess with the most-est,

the chillest of the illest,

the woman you love, know and trust...

"Sand is fish food"?

- [MOUTHS]
- ... Carly Shay!

[WHOOPS]

All right, help us out.

Sell that Sand, Carly.

Uh-huh. [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Calm Sand keeps me very calm.

Like a snowy owl on the tundra,

starving for a mouse.

But what if you only think
it's a mouse, so you down it,

and then you find out it's fish food?

Do you think that the owl is a fraud

even though she didn't know?

[PANTING] Oh, my God.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

[LAUGHS] Carly's trying to show us

what she was like before Calm Sand.

Here, Carly.

Why don't you take a nice big drink?

"Hoo, hoo", right?

Chug! Chug! Chug!

- Chug!
- I can't drink this.

- Why not?
- 'Cause Sand is fish food.

What?!

It's not brimming with antioxidants.

It's brimming with fish food.

Oh, my God. Sand is fish food?!

No. It has not been legally
proven to be food of any kind.

What?!

You knew?

Wait, that's why you wanted to meet up,

so you could sell me this junk.

Not to get back together.

Yes. N-No. Well, maybe. Um...

We can get back together.

Carly, I love you.

Ew.

I never even considered
it for one second.

Freddie, are you okay?

[LAUGHS]

If Sand is fake,

then I stood up to
Millicent all on my own.

I really am brave.

So I can totally handle the
fact that I just quit my job.

And spent all my money. And...

Oh, wow, okay. Well, I'm sweating a lot.

Probably just from the
excitement and bravery.

What have I done?

You know what product
I can always rely on?

A can of whup-ass.

Scooter exit.

I can't believe it.

I can see that you're hurting,

- and I feel your pain.
- No, dude, stop.

Sensitivity Sand is fake.

Yeah.

Which means I've always
been this sensitive.

Wow, am I the absolute total package?

Freddie, I'm sorry. I
shouldn't have meddled.

You quit your job.
You're a fish owner now.

No, it's okay. That job
was holding me back.

Look, Sand was a scam,

but this experience reminded
me I'm an entrepreneur.

I need to start pursuing that again.

Even if it'll take a lot of bravery.

Well, I quit my job today, too.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Oh, well, now I feel great!
Everything you do is cool.

Fun-employment dance.

[BOTH VOCALIZING]

And then I threw my apron down

in a very cool and not embarrassing way,

and I said, "CJ, you
can't stop my dreams".

And then I stormed out

as the crowd of customers cheered.

Millicent told a different story.

You know she be lying.

[DOOR OPENS]

Spencer, I keep telling you,

- I don't want to hug it out.
- Bep-bep-bep!

Shut up.

Oh! How are you feeling now
that you're unemployed?

Fantastic. Like there's
a world of opportunity

in front of me. You?

Absolute same.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Full of doom and peril.

Like every decision I've
ever made was a mistake.

- Hide under a blanket?
- You read my mind.