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[Priest Maxi is shown at the church podium before the congregation]
Announcer: Previously on South Park…
Priest Maxi: Today, we're going to talk about hell. [an organ swells into a dreadful chord. The boys are afraid]
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. S*ddam appears at Satan's door]
S*ddam: Hello, Satan! [opens his arms wide and grins big. He has two suitcases, one on either side of him]
Satan: [stunned] S*ddam…
[The Broflovski house. Sheila and Kyle are talking]
Sheila: Us Jews don't believe in hell.
Kyle: …But what if we're wrong?
[South Park Avenue, day. The kids begin crossing the street]
Stan: Let's go. [the kids begin to cross the street, Kenny first, but a tour bus slams into Kenny and takes him away. The other kids freeze where they are, petrified]
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums, dinner. S*ddam tries to arouse Satan under the table. Satan swats S*ddam's arm away]
Satan: No, S*ddam. I'm with Chris now.
[The church rectory. Preist Maxi is talking to the boys]
Priest Maxi: Boys, it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums, bedtime. Satan and Chris are in bed]
Chris: [closes his eyes] I love you, Satan.
Satan: I love you too, S*ddam.
Satan, Chris: [immediately react] Wuh?!
[The Pacific Ocean. A man drives a speedboat. Richie Cunningham, Ralph Malph, and Potsy Weber go along for the ride, and Arthur Fonzarelli stands behind the boat on water skis. Wait…]
Richie: Fonz, there's no way you can jump that shark with your water skis. [A bouy ring contains a shark, and a larger red bouy warns "DANGER" in white letters]
Fonzie: Aaaay! I've gotta try, Richie.
[The church confessional, day. Cartman opens the penitent door and sees a woman with her exposed ass up against the partition]
Woman: Oh, huhuh. [Cartman opens the priest's door. Priest Maxi, in a sexual act with the woman on the other side, looks out and grins.]
Stan: Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's gonna save us?
Cartman: Well, it looks like we're gonna have to save everyone in this town ourselves!
[The beach. Richie, Potsy, Ralph, and Joanie are on the shore watching the boat driver take Fonzie on his stunt. On shore is a sign posted on a pair of surfboards that reads "GO FONZ!!!"]
Joanie: Go Fonz!!!
Fonzie: Aaaaaa-! [the image freezes in place, so that Fonzie is suspended in mid-air]
Announcer: And now the exciting comclusion of… South Park.
Fonzie: [action resumes] -aaaaaayy-err. [lands inside the bouy ring; the shark catches and eats him live. The shark rises out of the water with Fonzie still in its mouth] No! [the shark drops and rises again] No! […and again…] No! [a pool of blood develops inside the bouy ring] No!
Richie: I told him he couldn't do it. [the other three on shore look on stunned]
[South Park Elementary, playground. Cartman stands on a platform and is preaching to the kids]
Cartman: I am saying this because we must be saved-uh. The LORD is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-uh. If you do not live your life for Him-uh, then to the lake of fire you shall go-uh! [a group of adults gathers just outside the rear school doors. Kyle joins Cartman on the platform…]
Principal Victoria: ["'Well, God is gonna heal those eyes, and save you from the devil begone! Oh, praise His name!"] You see that, parents. Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman. ["Do you believe in the power of God?"] Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
Liane: [gently calls out] Boopie-kins. ["Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?"] It's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie. [Cartman stops]
Stan: [joins Cartman on the platform] Don't you guys, um, persecrute our religous beliefs.
Kids: Yeah!
Sharon: We are not trying to persecute you kids, but you're supposed to be in school.
Stan: What purpose does school have? The Bible says the only goal in this life is to praise God and get into heaven.
Kyle: Yeah, and this life is short. The afterlife is forever.
Principal Victoria: Don't listen to them, kids. You have to go to school.
Cartman: Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going eight-year-old. And then yesterday, he was [throws himself down face-first] smacked down by the Lord-uh! [rises] God bitch-slapped him right to the fiery depths of hell. So when will you go?! Tomorrow?! Ten years?! Does it mattah?! No! Because unless you give this life to the Lord, that life belongs to Satan-uh! [kids gasp, adults go glum] But we cannot worship God in that church where that priest of sin resides, [Kyle has left and now returns with an easel with a picture of a church on it] so we will build a new church-uh. With crystal walls, a ceiling 80 feet high, and a slide that connects this part hmya [near the top of the left-side wall] to this part hmya [the grass down below]. Who will help us?
Kids: [in unison] I will.
Cartman: Praise God-uh!
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Satan is seen looking at the Bargain Hotel S*ddam is in]
Satan: If I go spend the night with S*ddam, then it's over between me and Chris. [looks at S*ddam's room key] Chris has been so nice to me and I know S*ddam will just hurt me again. [looks at it again.] M-maybe I'll just go talk to S*ddam. I need closure, yeah. That's it, I need closure. [advances to the hotel, to room 16, then turns around with second thoughts] What am I doing?? [takes a step when the room door opens]
S*ddam: [in evening suit] What took yo so long, baby??
Satan: [turns around] S*ddam, I'm just here to talk.
S*ddam: Great! Let's talk! [S*ddam enters. S*ddam rushes to the bed and sits on it, stroking the covers] Hm, this bed is comfy-bumpy.
Satan: S*ddam, I only came here because I need closure.
S*ddam: Sounds fun. You know me—I'll try anything.
Satan: No! S*ddam, listen to me.
S*ddam: Would you like a drink?
Satan: Um maybe just- a little one. [S*ddam serves him a drink] I have to go back soon. I need you to understand that we can't be together anymore. [Satan turns on the TV and a video of a group of men is shown. A sheriff lowers his pants before a kneeling skinhead. Other men are singing, chanting, moaning] I need you to not come by the condo and not try to see me. Chris thinks we can all be friends, but I don't. And I have to focus on Chris now. [just now notices the video] What is this?
S*ddam: These hotels have all kinds of crazy channels.
Satan: S*ddam, will you listen to me?! Chris is a great person. He's the one I wanna be with now.
S*ddam: [knowingly] Really? So then… What are you doing here? [Satan has no answer. He just looks down and away] Well I don't know about you, but this video is gettin' me pretty hot!
Satan: [hurt] S*ddam…
S*ddam: Here, have another drink. [Satan takes it and swallows it down, then groans]
[Hell, Bargain Hotel, S*ddam's room. Satan is sleeping away peacefully]
Satan: [wakes up] Ooh, whoa. God, my head. Drank too much. [looks to his left] Chris! [the camera zooms out to show S*ddam, dressed in leather straps, looking at him lovingly. Five different kinds of dildos and a whip are seen. Satan quickly sits up] Oh no!! [scans the room and sees more sex toys, including an auto club, an Antonio Banderas blow-up doll, a penis pump, and a goat tied to a lamp]
S*ddam: [snuggling up] Man, look at that! We went through 14 bottles of vegetable oil! [tosses the last one off the bed.] Ewuh, I'm all greasy.
Satan: [leaves the bed] Oh God, what time is it?!
S*ddam: Last night was awesome! Are we together again now?
Satan: I don't know. I, I guess so, but now I have to go home and tell Chris.
S*ddam: Screw him!!
Satan: No, S*ddam! I at least owe him an explanation! [walks towards the door] I jusst don't know what I'm gonna say. [the door opens and closes. Satan is gone]
S*ddam: I know how to solve this little problem.
[The Baja California coast, Mexico, day. The camera pans slowly to the right.]
Driver: [off screen] We are now entering Ensenada, the second largest city on the Mexican Baja Peninsula. [the tour bus is seen making its way through Ensenada] We have now traveled over 2000 miles since leaving New York City. We'll just be stopping here for a few moments for gas, and then our tour will continue on to its final destination. [two gas station attendants approach the bus. One of them notices something]
Attendant: Oiga. Hay algo pegado bajo el autobus. ["Listen. There's something stuck under the bus."]
Driver: Quey? What's stuck to the bottom of the bus? [the attendant takes his mop and jabs at the bottom of the bus, and Kenny finally drops down]
Kenny: (Ahow!)
Driver: Oh, goodness! We must have run over a little Mexican further up north. Is it okay? [Kenny sits up and shakes his dizziness off]
Attendant: Pienso que sí. ["I think so." Kenny stands up]
Driver: Well, here's fifty for the gas. [starts the bus and drives off] Adios.
Kenny: (Where am I?)
Attendant: ¿Qué?
Kenny: (WHERE AM I?)
Attendant: ¿Qué?
[South Park, day. Cartman's blueprint for his church is shown, then the camera pans right to show the actual construction. A bunch of kids work on the structure, using all sorts of things, including mirrors for wall panels.]
Cartman: This is bea-utiful. Thine church is almost completed.
Stan: There's no way God will want to send us to hell now.
Kyle: Yeah, this church kicks a- eh- it kicks!
Gerald: [shows up with Sheila, behind the boys] Hello, boys. [they turn around]
Kyle: Don't try to take me away again, Mom and Dad! I told you! I renounced the Jewish faith!
Sheila: It's not that, Kyle. It's just that Eric's mother needs to see you all right away! Just really quick—she says it's very important.
Cartman: Very well. Yea. Guys, let us walk to mine home and see what mine mom wants. [the boys turn left and walk towards Cartman's house]
Sheila: I sure hope this woiks.
[Cartman's house, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle enter. Dialog from "Not Without My Anus," set to an organ and canned laughter, is heard as the boys make their way across a living room littered with toys of all sorts. The room is decorated so that the boys would forget their "mission" and just play for one afternoon. Liane shows up with a Cartman favorite.]
Liane: Hello, kiddies. I made you all powdered dougnut pancake surprise.
Stan: Wow, cool.
Cartman: No! This is a trick! Do not vex me, oh temptress!
Liane: What?
Cartman: This is a distraction from our work on the church! [grabs a doughnut] Do not think that you can tempt us with toys [takes a bite out of his doughnut] and new games [munches away] and tidings of powdered dougnut pancake surprise! For it is the AFTERLIFE we have concerned ourselves with! [finishes the doughnut off] Not the pleasures of this earth, but salvarion in the world aftah!!
Stan: Yeah!
Liane: Oh. Well, [sets the dish on the sofa and walks away] alrighty then.
[The Cartman kitchen, moments later. Liane enters. Sister Anne waits with Stan's and Kyle's parents]
Liane: I… don't think it worked.
All: Aw .
[The Cartman living room, moments later.]
Cartman: Let us get back to our work at the church [the phone rings.] Yea. I shall answer the phone, hyah. [answers it] Hello?
Kenny: [from a pay phone next to Papas & Beer in Ensenada] (Cartman?! Cartman, you've gotta help me, and I'm not foolin' around!)
Cartman: [grins mischievously, then] Oh my God!!
Stan: What?
Cartman: It's Kenny. He's calling from beyond the grave!