04x15 - The Nose Knows

[bunniefuu]

( Jazz music playing )

Oh, would you look at you,

working like a dog
on a Saturday night.

That's why the man
pays you the big buck.

Hmm.

You know,
it's nice that you're becoming

this independent woman who feels
good about staying at home,

but could you at least
wear those thigh-high boots,

so I can feel good
about staying at home, too?

Come on,
let's watch a real tear-jerker.

Oh, how many times

can we watch James Mason
walk into the ocean?

No, this is a real,
gut-wrenching,

cry-your-eyes-out time.

I taped Bryant Gumbel's goodbye
on "The Today Show."

Hmm.

( Giggles )

( sniveling )

Oh,
why did you make me watch this,

I was just getting over
Deborah Norville.

( Sighs )
Huh.

Sniff, mm.

Ah, well, thank you so much

for driving me home
from the party, Danielle.

Oh, the pleasure's all mine,
Maxwell.

Ha, ho, well, um.

Oh, phew, look at the time.

And I've got
an early day tomorrow.

Then, um,
let's stay up all night.

Well, now, look, Danielle,
we've only just met.

And the thing is,
I'm afraid I've had a little bit

too much to drink. Ha-ha.

Maxwell,

you're not involved
with someone, are you?

- Yes.
- Who?

I don't know.

Well, then, um,
let's not tell her, okay?

Good night, Mr... Oh, my God!

In our own home?

Ah, yes, uh, let me, uh,
why don't I introduce...

You know,
I have three kids upstairs,

that you are responsible for.

There better be a good
explanation for this.

Is this the woman
you're involved with?

Um?
Oh, of course not.

This is my nanny.

She seems very strict.

Now, look here, honey.

Hey,
we don't need some cheap floozy

in tight clothes
turning his head around.

That's what I'm here for.

Now,
it-it's not what it looks like.

Um, we were both
at a banker's party.

She was a-a guest of the host.

I had just a little
teeny martini, and I...

Wait a minute,
why am I explaining this to you?

You're not my wife!

Oh, oh.

I-I can't even process that,
it was so mean.

That's it,
I'm going home to my mother.

Wait a minute,
I didn't do anything wrong.

She's coming here.

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She is the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

Good morning, everyone, but you.

Tart, sir?

Been there, done that.

Would you excuse us a moment,
children?

Miss Fine and I need to discuss
something in private.

Dad, it's no big secret.
Fran was asleep on the couch,

you came home ripped,
with a blonde model.

Then you kissed her, Fran's snagged
you and now you're in the doghouse.

Pass the Smucker's.

How did you know?

Well, Dad, if you just learn
to trust us like Niles does,

he tells us everything.

Come along, children.

Time to take some Kaopectate
for that verbal diarrhea.

Miss Fine,
it's all perfectly innocent.

- That young lady, simply...
- Young?

Huh! Maybe the new parts.

I don't know why I'm always
having to defend myself to you.

Hmm?
I'm a grown man.

I can come and go as I please.

I don't know
who you are anymore.

I am your boss!

You are the nanny!

And that is an end
to the discussion.

Fine, then I'll say no more.

Thank you.

Oh, Dr. Miller, I keep
seeing him with that woman,

over and over again, in my head.

I mean, if all he wanted
was a night of cheap,

tawdry sex
with some floozy, well...

I'm already on the payroll.

Fran, you don't really
mean that, do you?

( Sniffs )

Yes!

Oh, God,

how did he do this to me?

Fran, the problem is,
you're elevating Mr. Sheffield

to the role of a husband.

So, of course you're
gonna be jealous

if he goes around
behaving like a single man.

Fran?

A-are you following me?

Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Miller,

it's just after you put
"Mr. Sheffield" and "husband"

in the same sentence,

everything else kinda
went underwater.

Don't you see, you're responding

to him as though
you're in a relationship.

- Now, listen to me carefully.
- Okay.

He's your boss.

You are the nanny.

Wow!

You mean, no one's ever pointed
that out to you before?

Oh, constantly, but, you know,

when you're paying
bucks an hour,

it's got so much more resonance.

Niles, did my boyfriend call?

Oh, for heaven's sake,
you're almost ,

do you have to call him
your boyfriend?

You're just jealous
because I have a lover

and you have her.

C.C.,

I got your ticket
to the Broadway Guild Awards.

Ooh, I hope there's an extra
one, because I'll need two.

Hello, Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, Miss Fine.

Well,
you seem to have moved past

the unpleasantness
of the other morning.

Did you have a good
therapy session?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

what goes on in a therapist's
office, is confidential.

You really shouldn't pry into
the private lives of others.

- Mm.
- Ooh, the new "People."

Well, I'm glad you're feeling
better, Miss Fine.

Oh, I am.
Dr. Miller is a genius.

He is so intelligent
and insightful,

I swear, I have never met a man
that understood me more.

Hoo hoo,
sounds to me like someone

might have a little crush
on their therapist.

Sounds to me like
someone is a little jealous.

See what you're doin',
don't you?

You are elevating me
to the status of wife.

That's why you can't stand

to see me act like a beautiful,
single woman.

I can assure you, Miss Fine,
I am not jealous.

- Denial.
- I'm not in denial.

Denying denial.

So, what was this breakthrough

your genius therapist
brought you to?

You are my boss

and I am your nanny.

And that is what I'm paying
$ an hour for?

I said the same thing
to you the other day.

Yes, but you said it with anger.

You really must learn

to communicate in a way
that I can absorb.

So, you gotta remember,
when the movie starts,

turn up your hearing-aid.

They got sound now?

- Your turn.
- Mm.

Oh, I'll have a large popcorn,

no butter, no oil,
dry, air-popped,

with a Diet Coke.

Anything else?

Yeah, a Goobers,
a large Snickers,

and a Nachos with extra cheese.

Fran, you can eat all
that stuff in the zone?

- Yeah, in the twilight zone.
- Mmm.

Why can't I lose weight?

Tut.

Maybe I should see a therapist,
to help me stop eating.

You know, it's the only thing
I haven't tried,

besides diet and exercise.

You know,
Dr. Miller could help you.

He is an absolute genius.

I'm tellin' ya,
he's the next Sigmund Freud.

He's an excellent doctor,
the best.

You've been to Dr. Miller?

No, Freud.

Oh, my God, there's Dr. Miller!

There he is!

Oh, let's go over and say hello.

Oh, no, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

If he asks me how I am
and I answer him,

is he gonna charge me?

Fran, look at you,
you're so nervous.

Well, Val, we are in the
presence of genius, here.

Oh.

My only goal is that someday

I be as confident and brilliant

and sophisticated as that man.

You mean the one pickin'
his nose?

Oh, Yetta, a man as
distinguished as Dr. Miller,

doesn't pick his nose.

Wow, he's really
digging that thing.

Oh, my God.

You know, it must be so nice

to be so comfortable
with yourself.

What's your shrink tryin' to do,

pick his own brains?

Oh, he's comin' over,
he's comin' o...

Oh, Fran, what a surprise!

- Hi.
- How are you?

( Shrieks )
Ewww.

Have you met my friend, Val?

Honey, what're you doing home?
Don't you have therapy now?

Oh, no, I cancelled it.

You know, I become very
disillusioned by Dr. Miller.

He reminds me of the time

when Mrs. Brady started
dating Greg.

Adds a whole new meaning
to being busy,

with three boys of your own.

Honey, what did the doctor do?

Oh, ma, something so repulsive
and disgusting,

I can't even talk about it.

Ma, he picked his nose
in public.

( Gasps )
Huh. Ugh.

Some people are so unaware

about how they look
to other people.

Oh, Ma,

swear that you're not
gonna tell Mr. Sheffield.

I built this guy up
to be such a genius,

that I-I don't wanna look
like a shmegegge, you know?

Sweetheart, you live with him,

you raised his three children
without a ring on your finger,

you're already a shmegegge.

Ma, that is my job,

I happen to be a childcare
professional.

Grace: Fran!

What's that?

One of the kids calling.

Oh. Coming!

Niles, where is my...
N-never mind.

Ah, Sylvia.

If, if you're looking
for your daughter,

she's on her way to therapy.

No, she's upstairs.

She's not going to
that doctor anymore.

Oh, why, what happened?

Well, he did something
very inappropriate.

She doesn't want me to tell you,
she's afraid you'll overreact.

Well, what did he do?

Let's just say he put his hand

some place he shouldn't have.

Oh, my God!

And nobody's gonna do
anything about it?

What're you gonna do,
call the police?

They will have to arrest
every man on the subway.

Oh, look at you!

You look very ' s.

It's a Dolce & Gabbana.

Mmm,
I was talking about your face.

Oh, by the way,
this came for you.

What are those big
creases in it?

It was stuffed in the mailbox.

I was talking about your neck.

Oh ho ho, things are heating
up with Chandler.

He sent me the key
to his apartment.

Hmm.

"Dear C.C.,
you're suffocating me.

Here's your key back"?

Oh, you poor thing.

No date for your big
award ceremony, Saturday?

That ungrateful...

I waited on him hand and foot.

Every morning at :
I brought him a hot latte,

I called him times a day to
make sure he was eating right.

How could he say
I was suffocating him?

You poor thing. I can't imagine
anything more humiliating.

Oh, yeah? How's this?

What're you doing,
Saturday night?

Oh, what makes you
think I'd be caught dead

at an award ceremony, with you?

bucks?

Pick me up at :
and buy yourself a corsage,

I don't wanna look chintzy.

- ( Knocking on door) -Maxwell:
Miss Fine, are you decent?

Uh, yeah, but I can get
indecent in a minute.

I just want you to know,

that what your therapist
did was reprehensible,

and I support you %.

Huh, how could ma have told you?

I left her with so much food.

You, do you wanna talk about it?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

it's just that I always
thought of Dr. Miller

as being so professional,
with such impeccable character.

I would've never thought
he could do anything so,

oof, disgusting.

The man should have
his license revoked.

Oh, I don't know about that.

I mean, all guys need
to do it now and then,

but usually,
they have the decency

to wait until
they get into the car.

Excuse me,
I don't mean to be presumptuous,

but you are one of the
most beautiful women

I have ever seen.

Oh ho ho, well, thanks.

Gee, you know,
you seem pretty together,

what're you doin' goin'
to therapy?

Oh, I'm a compulsive liar.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
what're you doin' here?

Ah,
I've come to give this doctor,

and I use the term loosely,
a piece of my mind.

The more important question is,

what are you doing here,
Miss Fine?

Well, I wanted to confront him.

And I felt like, you already
paid for the session,

I might as well work
through the trauma

of seeing my parents in bed.

- Having sex?
- No, whitefish.

Oh, I'm next.

So, uh, do you want me
to go in with you?

Oh, no.

I really need to learn

how to handle these situations
like an adult,

and not always expect you
to be there to take care of me.

I understand.

Can I have a little huggy-poo,
first?

You're Maxwell Sheffield,
the producer!

Well, I've seen
every one of your shows,

you're brilliant.

Oh, thank you.

So, did you enjoy the movie?

Uh, not really.

Thank God, I bought a box
of boogers, I mean, Goobers.

You, uh, seem a bit anxious.

Well, it's just that I do
have something on my mind,

and I just find it so difficult
articulating

that I saw you
picking your nose.

You did?

A-and you found
that so offensive?

Yeah, I could vomit.

You catch me doing something
perfectly human,

and now you've
changed your entire opinion,

just because you saw me
with my finger in my nose?

Uh...

Well, don't you see
what you're doing?

You're doing the same thing to
me as you do to Mr. Sheffield.

It is very common for a woman
to idealize the men in her life,

hoping that she will find one
as perfect as her father.

Oh, you're right, doctor.

A guy who sleeps all day,
wears a bad wig,

and stinks of chopped liver,
doesn't fall off trees.

No way are you old enough
to have a -year-old daughter?

Yeah, yeah, sincerely,
I'm years old.

- What?
- Yes, I am.

Oh, so, how did it go?

Well, he explained that
what he did wasn't so wrong,

I mean, men are human,

and he had an itch,
he had to scratch it.

That is such a crock!
Let me get in there.

What the hell do you think
you're doing to this woman?

You should have your
license revoked.

Well, you must be looking
for Dr. Pepkin.

No, I'm looking for the doctor
that takes advantage of poor,

vulnerable patients.

Yes, that's Pepkin.

Stand back, Miss Fine,

I'm gonna teach this genius
of yours a lesson.

Mr. Sheffield,
why are you acting so macho,

like an animal, it's...

Good.

I'm not gonna let him take
advantage of you, Miss Fine.

Wait a minute, does everyone in
your world react in such a way,

to someone picking their nose?

You're damn right!

Now, excuse me a moment.

He picked his nose?

Yeah, what did ya think he did?

Not that.

( Whispers )

Where would you get that from?

Well, from the same place
I get every other idiotic,

meshugana idea.

From you!

You're gonna drive me into
a bloody institution,

you know that?

Now do you see
how he yells at me,

makes me feel this big?

Then you wonder why I elevate
him to husband?

Come on!

You know, can I just say,
you two make the most beautiful,

most perfect couple
I have ever seen?

- Who is this guy?
- Oh, he's ju...

He happens to be
one of the most well-respected

marriage counselors
in the business.

♪ It's very clear ♪

♪ Our love is here to stay ♪

♪ Not for a year ♪

Oh, what a night.

I don't know
how I had the presence of mind

to keep my acceptance speech
down to seconds.

You didn't thank anyone.

- Oh, right.
- ( both chuckling )

Mm.

Oh, Niles,
thank you for escorting me.

You know,
you're actually almost charming

when you're not being a mean,
miserable old man.

Funny, I was gonna say
the same about you.

( Both giggle )

You know, I'm really glad
that this little fling

between you and Chandler
is over.

- Oh?
- Yes, he was beneath you.

Not anymore.

( Both chuckle )

Oh, I almost forgot.

Here is your check.

This one's on me.

♪ Our love is here to stay ♪

( jazz music playing )