01x11 - A Plot for Nanny

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Nanny". Aired: November 1993 to June 1999.*
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After being fired from her job she is mistakenly hired to care for the family of a widowed Broadway producer.
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01x11 - A Plot for Nanny

Post by bunniefuu »

Happy birthday to you.

Yeh!
Thank you.

How old are you now?
How old are you -

Ma, watch it.
I still got a wish coming.

Darling, it's not how old
you are, it's how you look.

And you look gorgeous.

Am I right, Max?
Absolutely, Syl.

When I was your age,
I was a cow.

That was right
after I had her.

Ma, please, you were stuffing yourself
with pastrami up until the birth.

I'm surprised I wasn't born
with a pickle in my mouth.

Here you are, as promised,
two front row seats to Les Miserables.

Happy Birthday.

Oh, I'm thirty and
I'm dating my mother.
And they think they're miserable.

Miss Fine, some things just
get better with age.
Like a fine Bordeaux.

Or a nice slab of blue cheese
getting good and moldy.

Why don't you just stick me in
the Menorah Village Retirement Hotel?

Grandma Yetta loves it there.

Grandma Yetta thinks
she's in Paris.

Oh, my God, oh my God,
oh my God.

Maggie has found religion.

What's the matter,
sweetheart?

Cindy told Whitney that she heard
through Martha and Philip... Oh, honey...

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
Hang in, hang in, what is it? What is it?

That Philip Drake is
gonna ask me out!

Oh my God! Oh my God!
Oh my God!

I am so, so happy for you.

Just on the night that my life
is ending, hers is just beginning.

Darling, I have a surprise for you.

Oh, Ma, please, you already
gave me the Chanel cologne.

Parfume.

And I love it. But you're spoiling me.
My pleasure. Here.

This isn't another membership
for Great Expectations?

No, I've given up on that.
Think real estate.

Condo?
Smaller.

Time share?
Smaller.

A cemetery plot?

I can't believe you would
buy me a cemetery plot.

I don't even have
a good winter coat.

Actually,
I bought four plots.

Two for me and your father,
and two for you and -

The lucky guy?
It's gonna happen, knock wood.

Just kidding.

Ma
Oh, what a lovely model.

But why do they have a satin lining?
Satin doesn't breathe.

And neither will you.

Meanwhile, a person could drop dead
just waiting to get service around this joint.

You want some blush?

What? I'm gonna get all dolled up
for some creepy funeral director?

You never know. He could
turn out to be gorgeous.

Yeah, right. I'm sure he had
a common career choice:

male model or mortician.

Hi.

Hi!
I'm Steve Mintz.

I'm really sorry to keep you waiting.
Oh, that's okay.

In your business, what's the rush?

Hi, Stevie.
Hi, Syl.

How you been?
Good.

This is my daughter, Fran.
Hi. Stevie? You guys know each other?

Oh, we met at a funeral.

At least no one could say Marsha
Silverberg d*ed for nothing.

So you set me up? These plots were
a plot? Ma, I'm gonna k*ll you.

Well, at least they won't
have far to move me.

Steve, you know those four plots
my mother bought. Oh, sure.
The two for one sale.

A sale? Ma, not only are you
giving me away, but I'm marked down?

Only the best for
you, darling.

Twenty-five is
a very important birthday.

Anyway, I'd like to return them.
Really?

You haven't even
tried them out yet.

Look, I'm sure it's a lovely plot,
and I'd look gorgeous in it, but -

Your husband made
some other arrangements?

She doesn't have a husband!

I'm sorry. Did he pass on?
First he should only pass by.

You know, you two have
so much in common.

Fran is a licensed
cosmetologist.

And Stevie does
make-up, too.

Ma, you're k*lling me here.

Don't be embarrassed.
My mother's even worse.

No. Mine is.
No, really. Mine.

This is a picture of Fran in the third
grade production of Fiddler On The Roof.

Isn't she adorable? Matchmaker,
matchmaker, make me a match -

Get out of here.

You win.

Look, Fran, I'd be more than happy
to give you your money back,

but let me see what I can
do for you here, huh.

All right, dazzle me.
Okay.

I will upgrade you to a mausoleum
with a beautiful sunset view.

Oh, no way. Then I'd get all the
fumes from the Cross-Bronx Expressway.

Not to mention the noise.
Well, we've never had any complaints.

Look, Steve, you know, you do
make dying so very attractive.

But, uh, I just don't like
to plan quite so far in advance.

Well, then, how 'bout tonight?

What? And skip old age?

Actually, I was
thinking about dinner.

Oh, well that's very flattering.
I just don't know if I'm available -

How old are you now?

You got something in her size?

Oh, thank you, Fran, for letting
me borrow your clothes.

Oh, that's what women do. There's
one Chanel suit. It travels the globe.

Oh man, I can't believe
I'm going out with Philip.

I can't believe
I'm going out with Steve.

Philip is so cool and deep.

Steve keeps people cool
and deep.

Doesn't it give you the creeps
going out with an undertaker?

Well, maybe when
I was twenty-nine.

But now that I'm thirty,
I'm a little more -

Desperate?

You wanna borrow those
clothes or what?

I hope I'm sophisticated enough
for this coffee house.

I mean, I don't even know the difference
between French Roast, Mocha Java, or Colombian.

Oh, nobody does unless
you're Juan Valdez.

Do yourself a favor, just order
water. But nothing with bubbles.

It's hard to sound profound
when you belch.

Fran, you can't go out.
Who's gonna read to me?

Oh, honey, would I leave you hanging
in chapter thirty-seven?

Look, I made you a tape.
Scruples, a dramatic reading by Fran Fine.

Scruples, Miss Fine?

What, we can't both enjoy the story?
I edit out the racy parts.

Oh, Fran, I need some help with
my history paper. Oh, what kind of help?

Well, you know, picking out
a topic, doing the research,

writing it up.
And oh yeah, do you type?

Oh, what the heck was that?
I thought I saw a pig fly by.

Oh, there's my date.
Now don't embarrass me, please.

You all know how
difficult this is.

I don't want any corny jokes about
Steve being a funeral director.

We'll try, but it's
quite an undertaking.

We may be getting
in over our heads.

Hi, Steve.
Hi.

Family, house.
Gotta go. Bye.

Miss Fine, Miss Fine,
where are your manners?

Come on in. Let me fix
you a cup of coffin.

Coffee. No, no, no.
Accident, I swear.

You know, I could chaperon for you.
Over my dead body.

Thank you, thank you.
No hands, no hands.

"Trembling with desire,
she looked deep in his eyes,

slipped off her negligee

and folded it neatly, brushed her
teeth and got a good night's sleep."

Gracie, sweetheart, it's almost
ten o'clock. Why aren't you in bed?

Fran's so good,
I can't put her down.

I finished my homework, Dad.
Oh, all right. Let's have a listen.

The Civil w*r. The causes of
the Civil w*r become clear

when we view the United States
as a big dysfunctional family.

Oh, Grace, I told you not to do
your brother's homework.

Five bucks is five bucks.

Brighton, you can't just go through
life paying people to do everything for you.

Dad, I've got two words for you.
Niles. Fran.

I've got two words for you.

m*llitary school.

Hey, what did I do? This is all
your fault for letting Fran start dating.

You think I should keep
her chained up in her room?

Well, yeah. You know something.

Dad, if you let her go out there and
see what it's like, she may never come back.

You'd actually miss her,
wouldn't you?

Well, yeah.

You know, because then there'd
be no one to do my homework.

Yeah, right.

"And they lived happily
ever after. The end."

Now tuck yourself in and tomorrow
we'll start another classic,

"The Valley of
the Barbie Dolls."

Goodnight, sweetheart.
Goodnight, Fran.

And don't get so close to
the T.V., you'll get cancer.

Ah, thank you, Niles.

Cigar?

Don't mind if I do.

Will there be anything
else, sir?

Oh, is that the London Times?

Hmm -

You know, my pajamas are
about your size.

Well, apparently Miss Fine's
date's going very well. Hm-hmm.

Awfully quiet in this house, isn't it?
Really? I hadn't noticed.

So, what do you think of this
nasty business in the Middle East, huh?

It's something I would like
to read about in my off time,

which technically began at eight.

Oh. Well, I'll, uh, I'll just -

If you're at loose ends, sir,
why don't you sort the recycling?

Good idea.

Way to be politically conscious, sir.

You realize how much the children will
actually miss Miss Fine if she were to leave?

Good God, man, it's just a first date!

Speaking as one who's off the clock.

Well, uh, you're absolutely right.

First dates are usually
a nightmare, aren't they?

Indeed, if mine
are any indication.

And after all,
he is an undertaker.

I can't see anything
between them.

And I can't see anything
between them, either.

Philip is so intense. We spent hours
discussing the nature of consciousness

and whether or not something
really exists. Like this table.

Is it really here, or is it
only here because we see it?

And if we weren't here to see it,
would it disappear?

Maggie, sweetheart, next time you
go to a coffee house, try decaf.

So, Miss Fine, I take it
your date went well.

Well, it was pretty fabulous.

You know, Fran, you gotta get
this guy out of your system.

I mean, I've got
mid-terms coming up.

I've got middle-age coming up.
I win.

Okay, kids, we should get going.
You don't wanna be late for school.

I can't wait for lunch. Philip invited
me to sit at his table with his friends.

But does Philip's
table really exist?

And when you show up,
will they all disappear?

Well, Niles, it seems that
love is in the air.

I suppose it's time to have
that birds and bees talk.

I would have thought you'd have done
that by now. Miss Margaret is fourteen.

Not Maggie.
Oh, don't even say that.

No, I, I meant Miss Fine.

I suspect she knows, sir.

And if I may be so bold,
I'd say she's way ahead of you.

Yeah, exactly. That's why I want you,
as a senior member of my domestic staff,

to make Miss Fine aware of
the rules of the house.

Well, you know what
I'm talking about.

Spell it out for me, sir.

You know, no pets, no loud music,
no boyfriends in her room.

I understand completely.
Oh good, so you'll tell her.

No bloody way.

How very disobliging of you.

Oh, we never had this problem
with the other nannies, did we?

No, sir. Although if I recall correctly,
Nanny Carpart was a handsome woman.

That was probably the sideburns.

Good morning, Niles. Hm-hmm.

Oh, thank you. I am famished.

Napkin?

Well, well, no barbs?
No wise cracks?


Niles, have you been taking
butler lessons?

I'm lulling you into a false
sense of security.

Where's Maxwell? He's gone
upstairs to discuss with Miss Fine

the possibility of
having sex in her room.

Miss Fine, do you have a moment?
I - I hope I'm not intruding.

Sure, come on in.
My house is your house.

Oh, yeah, it is.

Take a load off. Oh, thank you.
But I - I'd just as soon stand.

Oh, well can you hold it?

I'm just getting ready
for my lunch date.

Another date? Already?
Well, I gotta eat.

Listen, this is
all very awkward.

I've not had to have this
conversation with the other nannies.

Of course, they weren't nearly
as attractive as you. Oh, well -

Um, as master of this house, there
are certain things that I expect.

Oh, Mister Sheffield, maybe
I should have read the fine print.

Oh, no, no, Miss, Miss Fine, you're,
you're taking this all wrong.

Here. I - I need to talk
to you about your boyfriend.

Oh, I wouldn't call him
my boyfriend.

Well, he, he is a boy and
he is your friend.

Mister Sheffield, are you sure you're
in the right room? I mean,
Maggie is two doors down.

No, I've already had this talk with Maggie.
Oh, well I hope it went better than this.

No, as a matter
of fact, it didn't.

Miss Fine, what I'm trying to say is
if you are intent on having a fling,

then there are certain rules regarding
the proper places for a fling to be flung.

H-hmm. So I take it the previous
nannies never flang?

No, they, they were
not flingers.

Well, let me just clarify this.
We are talking about having sex
in my room, are we not?

Oh, no, not, not, not us.
We already covered that.

I assure you, Mister Sheffield,
I would never do anything to set
a bad example for the children.

Oh, well, thank you for that,
Miss Fine.

And I appreciate your discretion.

Oh, well, thank you for holding my hair.
Anytime.

If you want, I can return the favor
and wash that gray away.

How long have you had that anyway?
Oh, it came in about the same time you did.

What a coincidence.

Fran, be right there.

Oh, no rush.
No one's going anywhere -

Hi.

Oh, hi, hi, hi, hi. I mean, hi.

Listen, thanks for meeting me here.
I would have picked you up,
but the car's being used.

Oh, no problem, no problem.
Here, I'll help you close up.

Oh, Steveala. You sure it's
the right place? Well -

Although the satin lining
looks very comfy.

You know, that's what I love about you.
You have got the greatest sense of humor.

Oh, well so do you.
Yeah? You really think so?

Yeah. Considering your chosen profession.
Well, it wasn't actually my choice.

It's a family business that
I just sort of fell into.

Oh, well, there's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

It's a very respectable business,
and it doesn't bother me one bit.

Well, it bothers me.

Fran, I just can't stand to be around
all of this sadness day in and day out.

Oh, honey, did you make
a wrong career choice.

That's why I'm going back
to college to get my degree.

Oh, a professional man.
Yep.

Doctor?
No.

Lawyer?
No.

Indian chief?
I'll give you a hint.

You're studying
to be Karl Malden?

No, a clown.
What?

Fran, I'm going to
clown college.

Oh, Fran, don't
you get it?

See, I just wanna
make people happy.

Well, Fran,
you're not laughing.

I'm laughing

on the inside.

Where it's dry.

All right, look, look,

I also do balloon
animals. Here.

Watch this.

Gee, I hope
it's a four-year college.

I hate men.

Well, take a number.
Take a spoon.

What are you eating?

I guess I'll have
my leftover birthday cake.

Isn't that a little old?
What's your point?

I can't believe Philip.
What a phony.

I caught him drooling
over some stupid cheerleader.

And after all the coffee
you drank for that man.

I thought we had something special.
Been there.

I thought I really knew him.
Am there.

And then out of nowhere
he hits me with this.

It's like I've had cold water
thrown in my face.

I know exactly how you feel.

Picturing yourself married,
living in a split-level in Long Island

with three kids and an Eldorado
in the driveway. No.

But I did have hopes
for the weekend.

Hello, ladies.
Ice cream, cake.

Man trouble?

I hate Philip.
I'm never talking to him again.

Miss Margaret,
it's Master Philip.

Oh my God! Oh my God!
Oh my God!

Ah, youth.

You know, Fran,
when I'm depressed,

it always makes me feel better
to help other people.

I have an essay I'd be willing
to let you write for me.

Brighton, my darling,
I'm at your beck and call.

I'll be home every night.
I have no life.

We're awfully sorry, Miss Fine.
Oh, we sure are.

So, what, what happened?

Did you find dating
a mortician a bit too macabre?

Oh, I did at first,
but I got used to the idea.

And then he turns out
to be a clown.

How do you mean?

I mean a clown.

In what way? The usual way.

Red hair, baggy pants, floppy shoes.
Do I have to draw you a picture?

And to think I came this close
to being Mrs. Bozo.

All the world loves a clown.
Why can't you?

Twenty-seven guys in one little car.
I can't even stand to share a cab.

Sharing is what marriage is all about.
What are you looking for anyway?

Ma, I'm not asking for much.
Just a guy that doesn't wear
as much make-up as I do.

Well, what are you waiting for?
You think Mister Right

is just gonna walk right up,
knock on your door and say,

"Here I am."

Ah, there you are.
That's good. Here.

Which tie, the yellow or the green?
Green, it goes better with your eyes.

Thanks. Ma, I just want a guy
that I can respect, that respects me.

Oh, I'm sorry to bother you again,
it's just that I value your opinion.

Gold, gold or tiger's eye cufflinks?
Gold. Simple, elegant.

Right. Who knows, Ma. I just
think maybe someday he'll come along.

Fran, open your eyes.
Life just doesn't work like that.

Steve could be very successful.

Look at Ronald McDonald.
He's got his own corporation now.

I'm not gonna spend my nights
polishing big shoes, Ma.

Are you gonna be
single your whole life?

Oh, I could just see the wedding.
He'll slip on a banana peel
while walking down the aisle.

Look at the bright side.
Instead of two rings,
you'll have three.

Shut the door, Ma.
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