01x16 - Schlepped Away

[bunniefuu]

I am so sick of
all this snow.

There's a pigeon frozen
to the windowsill.

Oh gee, look at this gorgeous
tanned family relaxing on the bench.

Oh, who is that attractive
brunette in the background there?

Oh gee, you know,
that must be the nanny.

No. No, it couldn't be.
Her mouth's closed.

You know, actually, this does
look very inviting. Hm-hmm.

Yeah, I suppose we could
all do with a break.

Hey, let's go to
the Caiman Club.

Oh yeah, they've got that
fabulous teen program.

Oh, too bad you're only twelve.

Oh, yeah. But you could be unpopular
with a whole new bunch of kids.

Best of all, they have a whole
separate dining room for children.

I don't care. As long as
I get some color.

Wait a minute. Kids' program,
separate dining rooms.
What kind of place is this?

It sounds like you guys would
never see each other. Well, yeah.

That's kind of the point.
It's a vacation.

A family vacation you spend
with your family.

We spend every summer
together in Miami.

Oh, how could you go to Miami in the summer?
Easy. Drive south and hang a left at hell.

Oh, wasn't it hot and
humid and gross?

Yeah, but it was off season rates,
so we got to stay twice as long.

Plus the Fountainbleau had this
fabulous seafood extravaganza.

Oh, buffet tip: Always go past
the rolls, right to the lobster and shrimp.

Did you write that down, Niles?
It's all up here, sir.

Oh, you guys'll have
such a great time,

and you'll come back with
a whole new lease on life.

Of course, I'll still be here
saddled with the old lease...

Miss Fine.
...shoveling snow on the walkway.

Miss Fine. Probably fall, break my hip.
Aw, you'll pick me up when you get back.

Miss Fine!
What?!

If I'm traveling with the children,
naturally I expect the nanny to accompany us.

Oh, how kind of you
to think of me.

What about Niles though?
Don't you want a little peace and quiet?

Desperately.
How soon can you all pack?

A vacation? That's a splendid idea.
I've been dying to get away.

Well, now's your chance,
since I'll be out of town. Oh.

I hear Club Med has a desperate
women with no prospects package.

It's a waste of money.
So I've heard.

Oh, C.C., you know we'd like
to take you with us,

but this is really a time for me
to be alone with the family.

Yoo-hoo, Mister Sheffield.

Oh, wait till you see
the adorable bathing suit

I got for the honeymoon...
I mean, the vacation.

Oh, Grace would look
very cute in that.

What Grace?
This is for me.

If we're going to Gilligan's Island,
I wanna be Ginger.

You mean you're going with him?
A nanny's work is never done.

Well, if you'll all excuse me,
I have a life to get on with.

I have a standing invitation
with a certain senator.

Hmm... What some politicians
won't do for a vote.

Oh-wee, oh-wee baby...

Won't you let me take you
on a sea cruise.

They don't write
'em like that anymore.

I can't wait to go snorkeling.
Oh, me, too.

Maggie floating face down
in the water; I'm there.

Niles, you didn't have to drive us
to the airport. Oh, yes I did, sir.

If need be,
I would have carried you.

Oh, I can't stand driving backwards.
I get car stick.

Uh, Miss Babcock, would
you mind switching with me?

Is it absolutely necessary?
Did you see the pea soup scene in the Exorcist?

All right, all right.
Okay, thank you.

Oh... Yeah, oh good.

Oh, whoops, whoops, you got a run
in your stocking. Oh no,
it's just a spider vein.

Oh, these lifeguards are gorgeous.

I can't wait to drown.

Not that we're ever gonna get
there with this traffic.
Oh, I know a shortcut.

No. No, no. We'll stay on the expressway.
It's the most direct route.

Yeah, that's what my father said
when we were on our way to see
Liza at the Westbury Music Fair.

P.S., we got there so late she was
halfway through her encore of New York.

Don't you mean New York, New York?

That's how late we were.

Miss Fine, we've passed
that same derelict six times.

Are we there yet? I told you
to go before we left the house.

I didn't have to go then.

Whatever you do, don't think
about rushing rivers,

or babbling brooks, or waterfalls.

I'm singing in the rain...

Is that a gas station?
No.

Hey, where's Ronnie's Slack Shack?
Who cares?

Well, I'm losing all my landmarks.
Everything is white from the snow.

Oh, I know what we'll do. I know.
We'll go to my mother's.
From there I can find my way anywhere.

Well, well, well, couldn't you
just pretend we, you've just
left your mother's

and are picking me up here
on the way to the airport.

Forget it. If you're taking me away
for the weekend, the least
you could do is pick me up.

What kind of a girl do
you think I am?

What are you doing here?
Where's your bathroom?

Oh, down the hall. But don't use
the rosette soaps. They're just for show.

The Glad is under the sink.

Your father was just in there.
Oh...

Uh, I have to go, too.
Where's your other bathroom?

Oh, it's in
the luncheonette on the corner.

But they make you order something.
I recommend the grilled cheese.

I am so sorry for this
intrusion, Mrs. Fine.

Oh, not at all. It's an honor
to have you in our house.

You couldn't call, tell a person
that you're coming?

I would have windexed the couch.
Ma...

Oh, Mrs. Fine, please,
don't go to any trouble.

We're only gonna be here for a minute.
We're on our way to the airport. Yeah.

You mean you haven't heard?
What?

Heard what? I just saw it on T.V.
It's the worst blizzard in thirty years.

Oh, it doesn't look that bad.

Oh God, did Kathy Lee come
into the studio? No.

Oh, it's bad.

All the airports and
the bridges are closed.

What? Are you telling me
we're actually stuck here?

What about our vacation?
The Caribbean. Ehh.

You never know when there's
a revolution, a coop.

You'll stay here where
you're nice and safe.

So, are you hungry?
I could make a rump roast.

I got a tongue in the freezer.
What did she say?

Well, I am feeling all refreshed
and rearing to go.

Who's gonna tell her?
Oh please, allow me.

The bridges, airports, and weekends with
a senator have been shut down due to the blizzard.

Good one, Niles.
Let's go.

Oh, I get it,
you're all in on it, huh?

Tell me he's joking!

It won't be so bad.
Ma's gonna boil a tongue.

Wheel of Fortune!

What's Vanna wearing?
A blue, short, sequined decorte.

Oh, that's a return.

Have you ever had the opportunity
of working with Merv Griffin?

The man is brilliant. You know,
he still makes up the puzzles all by himself.

He's a giant in the industry.

Yeah, his weight does go up
and down, God bless him.

Oh my goodness, Miss Fine,
what are you wearing?

Well, as far as I'm concerned,
our vacation is starting right now.

Then I want a refund.

Oh, there's always one
in the tour group.

Miss Babcock, you've hardly
touched your tongue.

Actually, I'm on
a no-tongue diet.

Oh, the senator will
be so disappointed.

I think it's really good,
Mrs. Fine.

Mmm...

Say, I know what'll set the mood.

How about the Let's Get
Acquainted cocktail party?

**********
Oh, yes... Please...

Red or purple?

Don't you have anything drier?

Um, Bailey's Irish Cream?
That's for dessert.

No, for dessert we're having
Jello One-Two-Three.

Ma, I thought they stopped making
that in the early seventies?

Well, I've been saving it for
a special occasion.

If this doesn't knock me out,
hit me with the bottle.

Hey, hey, hey, little one,
what did I say?

No swimming in the ocean for
two hours after eating tongue.

And you should put on some sun block.
You don't wanna blotch, do you?

One down and Mah Jong.

This is terrifying. Are you telling me
this Gilligan chap never gets off the island?

He got off once, but then they
went back with the Harlem Globetrotters.

I think I'll go and watch
the game with Morty.

Well, keep your eyeglasses on.
He's clipping his toenails
and those suckers can fly.

This is pathetic. Right now
I should be wind surfing into
the sunset with this guy.

His tan, buff arms around me.

In your dreams. And even
then I'll be watching you.

Don't feel so bad, Maggie...

Excellent!
Oh, that was so satisfying.

Brighton, you are so immature.

Did you find the "who
cut the cheese" pillow? No!

I'm in hell.
Join the club.

That's the doorbell.
Thanks, Ma. We were all wondering.

Oh, that's okay, Niles. I'll get it.
Oh, sorry. Force of habit.

Oh, look, it's the cute cabana boy.

Hi, Kenny. What's up?
How's your parents? What do you need?

Not much. They're fine.
Fabric softener.

Oh, come on in.
Boy, look how big you got.

You really grew
into your ears.

Well, I had that growth spurt
after my bar mitzvah.

Hey, you wanna meet a real
live shiksa goddess?

Kenny, this is Maggie.
Maggie, Kenny.

Hi.
Hi.

Mix and mingle.

We're stuck here.
I've been stuck here for seventeen years.

At least you get to leave
when the snow melts.

Cool jeans. Oh, thanks.
I got 'em at Ronnie's Slack Shack.

Where is that place?
It's on Union Turnpike,

right next door to
Vinny's Jacket Racket.

Oh, yeah,
by the Blouse House.

Does anyone have a sharp Kn*fe?

Hey, you wanna come down
to the new launderette?

If you think I'm cute now you should
see me under the fluorescent lights.

Oh, aren't they cute?

It's just like Blue Lagoon.
She's Brooke Shields and he's David Brenner.

He seemed like a nice young man.

If anyone wants my opinion...
Hands?

Niles.
Sorry, sir.

But every time I try to get out,
she pulls me back in.

Say what you will,
buy this is an iffy neighborhood.

For all we know he could
be a member of a g*ng.

What g*ng?
The Oys in the Hood?

I'm telling you,
this kid is a doll.

His father invented the little plastic
thingys on the ends of shoelaces.

Oh, of course, the lace thingy there.

Where have you been hiding him?

Oh, stop, Mister Sheffield, no.
It's your vacation.

Oh, I know. And I'm having such
a lovely time here in the sitting room,

but I thought I'd take
a little scenic tour of the kitchen.

Oh, while you're in there,
will you pull out the capon for tomorrow?

And smear on some of
the Campbell's Creamy Mushroom.

This is awfully nice of your parents
to take us in like this.

Oh, that's the kind of
people they are.

I mean, you know, they consider
you all family and

when it comes to family,
we Fines stick together.

I'll tell you, there's more warmth
in this little apartment,

than in all the Caribbean
Islands put together.

Oh, well, what's this?

A fortune chicken?

Oh, is that not romantic.
My father left my mother a love letter

and stuffed it in the chicken between
the heart and the giblets.

Oh, isn't that...grotesque.

Oh, it's a little smeared.
Can you make that out?

Oh yeah, wait a minute.

"My darling. My passion
for you lives forever."

Oh, I can just weep from the beauty
that is my parents' union.

"Yours forever Paul Zalasnick."
Paul Zalasnick?

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

The butcher. Oh my god,
is my mother having an affair?

Fran? Fran?

Here, here, here, here.
No, I don't, I don't want it.

I was thinking, Daddy's not
in the mood for chicken.

Oh, can you blame him?

You know, I thought I'd make spaghetti.
Make sure there's enough ketchup. All right.

My mother and the butcher.
Could this be happening?

Oh come on, Miss Fine, we don't know for
certain that note was meant for your mother.

I mean, there are plenty of ways
it could have gotten into the chicken.

How? It sat on it?
There you go.

Oh god, everyone,
come and see.

I hope no great expectations
accompany this outfit.

I brought this for Daddy
to wear in the Poconos.

The poor guy was living
in a fool's paradise.

Thanks for your help. You know,
if this heiress thing doesn't work out,

you could have a great career
in fluffing and folding.

Thanks, Kenny. Shalom.

Oh... You know, I hear Jewish men
make excellent husbands.

I wonder who
she heard that from?

Probably Niles. He's always
buzzing something in her ear.

Don't you think Kenny looks
just like Luke Perry?

Poor thing.
She's as blind as my father.

Ow! Shh! You're gonna
wake up Mister Sheffield!

Oh, it's all right.
I'm already awake.

Brighton's having that
kick boxing dream again.

Oh, Brighton. Honey, go sleep
with your sisters. Come on.

Oh, C.C.'s in there. Well, she's
used to getting kicked out of bed.

Ow!
Oh, sorry.

Peace at last!

Oh, for heaven sakes.

Miss Fine!
Ow!

Oh, sorry, old man.
Blast it.

Even Gilligan had a hammock.

Miss Fine, it's three a.m.
Who can sleep?

Well, I wouldn't mind having
a cr*ck at it.

Look at this picture of my mother
and father at their thirtieth anniversary.

You think you know someone.
Who is this stranger I call Ma?

The same person she always was.

The one who made this house warmer
than all the islands in the Caribbean.

Oh, yeah. Did she have to warm up
half of Queens, too?

Don't you realize the entire foundation
by which I judge all relationships
is just crumbling before my eyes.

Oh, Miss Fine, you don't need
to lose your faith in marriage,

just because your mother
turns out to be human.

Oh, there was a Jerry Vale tape
in the veal!...

Maxwell, I hope you don't mind,
but Brighton insisted we trade places.

Ah,

there...

If you're looking for
the hot water bottle,

that's not it.

More sausage? Breakfast cake?
Right here.

Eat up, eat up. You'd love that, wouldn't you?
The faster we eat the sooner you could go shopping.

I'm through dusting, Mrs. Fine.
Can be of any further service?

Ma, you're not making her play
cleaning girl, are you?

She does a good job.
I can see myself in the couch.

At the end of the day,
I get paid a dollar.

A dollar, Ma?
Well, she's got no experience.

Unlike some people I know.
What are you talking about?

Like you don't know.
Fran, I'd like to see you in the kitchen.

No, Ma, I'd like to see you in the kitchen.
Fine. Have it your way.

What's with you? Me?
What's with you?

Excuse us.

We'll start lunch.

Okay, Ma, I wanna know, for once
and for all, what is going on here.

What are you talking about?

Oh, chop sirloin, extra lean.
Look at this.

Paulie, the butcher,
takes very good care of me.

Well, I'll bet. Oh, look it here.
Mail's in.

Fran, have you been going through
my meat? It's not what you think.

Ma, you and the butcher?
How could you?

Fran, you're blowing it all
out of proportion. All we do is...

Oh, please. No details.
Once I get a picture in my head...

It's just a little innocent flirting.

You mean you're not having an affair?
No, of course not.

He winks at me. And I tell him what
a nice rump he has today,

and I, I get a roast half-price.
Ma, you tramp.

Hey, we're on a fixed income here.
Yeah, well what would Daddy say if he found out?

He knows.
Sometimes he comes down

and he watches
Paulie give me the meat.

This is like
a really bad Geraldo.

You can make fun
because you're young.

You're still turning heads.
For me, not so much anymore.

But when Paul Zalasnick winks
at me with his good eye,

I feel young again, too.

What's the matter?
I think I can live with this.

As long as you and
Daddy still love each other.

Of course we do.
And I'll tell you a little secret.

Your father and I have better
sex with a full freezer.

Ma, I'm getting a picture!
Oh, they'll be no sleeping tonight.

Wheel of Fortune!

Come on, Ma, it's a new one.

Here, Brighton, try this.

Mmm, not bad. What is it?
Stuffed derma. Delish.

What's a derma? Skin.

No, sweetheart, it's not skin.
It's intestines.

Morty, get out of the bathroom!

So I thought after med school
I'd go into stand-by comedy.

Sort of a big joke on my parents.

Oh, buy a vowel, you twit!

So everything's sorted out
with your parents? Oh, yeah.

They're like the Rock of Gibraltar.
I don't know what you were so worried about.

Can we come back here
next year for our vacation?

Yes, we are having
a good time, aren't we?

That's because we're all together.
Oh, who needs the Caribbean anyway?

The roads are clear,
the airport's open!

All right, kids, pack it up.
We're out of this dump.

Oh-we, oh-we, baby.

Oh-we, oh-we, baby.

Oh-we, oh-we, baby. Won't you
let me take you on a sea cruise.

Where, where's Brighton?

More tongue?