06x12 - The Fran in the Mirror

[bunniefuu]

Oh, this is so exciting!

Grace is applying to the East
Side school for the Gifted?

You know, you won't be the first
member of the Fine family to attend.

Your Aunt Celia
spent three years there.

Ma, she worked in the lunchroom.

And she got fired
for giving free lunches

to a lady who tried to pass
herself off as an th grader.

Meanwhile,
with my little pigtails

and my little plaid skirt,
I was adorable.

Sylvia, tomorrow we're having
the headmistress of the school

over for a fancy-schmancy
music appreciation day.

Fran's trying to schmooze
her because she's a big mocha.

And now that she's bilingual,
we'll slide right in.

Uh, what time are you going
to start?

Because I can stop by on my way
to the beauty parlor.

No, Ma, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

Why?

Well, because, A,
they would meet you.

And B, they would meet you before
you went to the beauty parlor.

Meanwhile, if you want to get
Grace in,

you should give a big,
generous donation.

Your uncle Louie has a garage
full of illegal cable boxes.

Oh, well,
I can always join a g*ng.

Darling, you'll never guess
who I just bumped into!

Remember my old friend,
Rodney Pembroke?

All those zany
stories I used to recount?

Oh, the recounting we did.

You've no idea
what I'm talking about, do you?

Not a clue. I'm sorry, honey.

I only really started paying
attention after you proposed.

Come on, we went to Oxford together.
We were like brothers.

He comes from one of the wealthiest
families in London, you know.

Is he single? Because your sister's not
that happy with her husband, lately.

We're both married and she's
still trying to trade up.

Oh, Niles, guess what!
We're going to have company!

( Chuckles ) years, and he
still thinks company excites me.

Yes, Rodney Pembroke
from Oxford. Oh, my God,

do you remember that
New Year's Eve freshman year

we were sick all over
the room and then some idiot

forgot to turn the bathtub
off and flooded the place?

I think that was you, wasn't it?

No, but you remember the next morning when
you woke up and it was all spotless again?

- Eh?
- That was me.

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out
in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do, where was she
to go, she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup,
but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was
there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly
what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father
finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually
smiling such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing,
the Nanny named Fran ♪

( playing piano )

I think we're really making a good
impression on the headmistress.

Wait till she hears me sing,
"Don't Rain on my Parade."

Fran:
Oh, wow!

Mrs. Sheffield, where have
I seen this pianist before?

Do I know him from
the recital hall? At Julliard's?

Oh, no. The Atrium at Macy's.

You know, Mrs. Sheffield,

I'm very curious about
your background and education.

We haven't discussed it.

You know, I had wonderful
experiences at private school,

and some of my fondest memories
were with my classmates.

Who?

Tootie, Blair and Natalie.

You know, Grace's father
is from England.

And he went
to a private school as well.

Yes, I'm looking forward
to meeting your husband.

Where's my little coochie-coo?

Hey, sexy, come on, move those
beautiful legs over here

and come say hello to Rodney?

Pardon, doll.

Honey, honey, you're
interrupting my mother-daughter,

"we got culture
in this house" day!

What's that?

Oh, Rodney, come on
in here, you Rodney-bum.

Come on in, you madman.

Maxwell,

- she's breathtaking.
- Mmm.

How the devil could you have
waited five years

to propose to her,
you perfect fool?

( Chuckling )
Oh, thank you, Rodney.

( laughs )
And she does funny voices!

Shh!

Darling, darling, you'll never guess
what this crazy lunatic did at the club.

He ordered us a bottle of white
wine, then switched to red, right?

And ordered fish!

You outlaws, you.

Butch, why don't you take Sundance
to get some coffee in the kitchen?

No, have Niles bring it
to the office.

Rodney's going to let me into a
very hush-hush deal he's got going.

You know, everything this chap
touches turns to gold.

How do you do?

Oh! Oh!

Excuse me. It's okay. You know the British.
They're so warm and cuddly.

( laughs )

I know! Why don't I just ring

for the butler to replenish us?

Yahoo, sweet lord-y-lord!
My ship has come in.

Uh, Niles, would you mind
getting us some tea?

It turns out I had an uncle who
d*ed. But wait, it gets better!

I've inherited a Royal title!
I'm rich!

Oh, that's so exciting!
Did you get the check yet?

- No.
- Then get the tea.

You know, Sylvia, why don't you
just take the magazine home?

That's not courteous.

Ma, what are you doing here?

You know, just once I'd like you to
say, "Hello, how are you, what's new?"

What's going to be new
since this morning

when you were sitting
here eating breakfast?

I've since had a nectarine.

So, did she get into the school?

Well, it was only
our second interview,

and the teacher dropped a word that I
didn't understand, which one was that?

- Curriculum.
- Oh.

( laughter )

She said it was broad-based, and
you said what did the boys study?

Yeah. Right.

But, you know, I really think that
I impressed her when I told her

we were related to Larry Fine.

Larry Fine of the Three Stooges?

Now you see?
And you thought no one knew.

Is he the funny looking one with the
kinky hair who always acts like a moron?

Yeah.

We're not related to him.

Yeah, but, Ma,
we so easily could be.

You know, Grace, I didn't get into that
school. What makes you think you will?

Because I study, I write well and
I maintained a . grade average.

Okay, but if I have the choice between
being smart and being good looking...

- You'd pick either?
- Girls!

And the minute you
arrive, you tell that

theater owner he better
not jack up the rent,

or the next time
he'll have to deal with me.

Oh, C.C., there's no need
to frighten the man!

Where are you going?

Oh, darling, I have to go to
London for an emergency meeting.

What?

I'm so sorry. But I'm
going on the Concorde,

so I'll be back tomorrow night.
Niles!

No, no, I am not sending you any
more money, so stop calling me.

If mommy calls again,
I'm not here.

Well, if it isn't
Jane Austen-Powers.

Why can't you just be happy for me?
Being called "sir" is new to me.

You're used to it.

What, Niles, I'm very happy about your
newfound title. Must be quite a check.

- Come on. Let's see it.
- Well, it hasn't come yet.

Well, in that case, go upstairs
and pack my bags, would you?

Okay, but you better watch, because
after my check arrives, I'll be loaded.

Again, just like you.

( Humming )

Uh, Niles,
I had to let Rodney in.

Oh, good. Because that will
probably be your job now.

- Niles.
- Sir.

Good Lord.

The last time I saw you,
we were all pheasant hunting.

Somebody bagged a bird with the
very first sh*t. That was you.

No, no, no. But remember the next night
when it was so delicious under glass,

with the little red potatoes?
That was me.

Anyway, if you want some
food, the kitchen's

that way. If you want
a drink, follow him.

Hello, C.C. Babcock,
Maxwell's business partner.

Ah, it's a pleasure.

Whatever happened to that plump brunette
he partnered with after college?

I have no idea.

Oh, hi, Rodney.

Oh, Fran, hello.

Max left for London without
giving me his investments.

And I've got
a : deadline.

- Oh.
- Can you write me a check?

No. No. She cannot.

Why not?
You're his wife, aren't you?

Yes, Rodney.

Yes, I am.

Yes, but I am his business partner,
and I am in charge of the money.

Yes, but this is a private
investment, made by Max and myself.

I am in charge of that too,
because you're stupid.

Now, Miss Babcock! My husband
wants in on this deal!

I'm just doing what he would
want! How much do you need?

I need million,
was the figure we discussed.

( Gasps ) A million? Give
me the check book!

Over my dead body! Oh, look,
Rodney's checking out your tush!

Oh, really?

How many zero's in a mil?

- Six.
- Oh, wow.

Look at that, when you put the smiley faces
in, it looks like the Osmond family.

Mrs. Fran Sheffield.

Well, sign away, because it's the
last time you'll use that name.

Thank you, Fran. You've just
made the deal of a lifetime.

Well, you are welcome, sir.

- Humph.
- Humph!

Fran, Jocelyn's here.

And do you have any idea why Niles
would want me to make him a sandwich?

Oh, they made him a lord or something.
Just humor him. Humor him.

Oh!

Ta ta! So good to see you.
Let's have lunch.

God, I could really go
for that Rodney.

Mm. Well why don't you?
He's handsome, he's single?

- He's broke.
- What?

Darling, everybody in England
knows he's penniless.

He's gone through his own money
and everyone else's.

He must be over here
looking for new victims.

( Gasps )

Oh, Maxwell's going to fire you when
he hears you let me write that check.

Nanny Fine, maybe you
misunderstood the bank.

How?

They said Rodney already
wired the money to Switzerland

and it was too late
to stop the check.

I know, I just wanted
to hear it again.

Oh, cheer up, Nanny Fine.
Whenever I'm depressed,

I think about people who are worse off
than myself. And then I visit them.

( laughter )

Hey, Val, how are you enjoying
your first day of work?

Oh, I can't talk.

I'm not supposed to have
non-doughnut-related conversations.

What's with the hair?

Oh, it's my marketing strategy.

See, I wear it like cinnamon
buns, and hence I sell more.

Can I have another cinnamon bun?

Ka-ching! Ka-ching!

Here's to you, Nanny Fine.

It was just a matter of time before
you screwed up with Maxwell.

I know.

But look on the bright side. Maybe
you can live with one of the kids.

Because when I move in,
they're out of there.

Oh, why am I such a loser?

You got cocky.

That'll bring you down
every time.

Fran, there has got to be
a way to get that money back.

How, Val? He already converted
the million bucks into francs!

Well, once you convert it
into hot dogs...

It's very hard to trace.

Loosen your cinnamon buns,
would you?

Fran, this isn't like you.
I've never seen you defeated.

Why don't you just go to that Rodney
guy and demand your money back?

Yeah, you go do that. Take your
financial advice from EF Muffin.

Val, you are right.

This isn't me, accepting doom,
drowning my sorrows in jelly.

No, I push this doughnut away!

I am going to go to Rodney and demand
that he give us our money back.

And if all else fails, see
if you can get me a job here,

because I could do
a gorgeous French cruller.

( laughter )

Good luck, Nanny Fine.

You'll get that check.

Excuse me.

NYPD.

Why so blue?

- Fran.
- Hi.

Come in.

What a surprise.
Can I get you anything?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe a cr*cker, some gouda,
a million bucks?

What are you saying?
You want your money back?

Yes. And the cr*cker
and the gouda.

But what happened? I mean,
a few hours ago you

thought you were making
a good investment.

Well that was before I knew you were broke.
And then I started to think,

maybe it's not such
a good investment.

Look, Fran,

if you're uncomfortable
investing with me,

I'll write you a check,
right now.

- ( Clears throat )
- I'm uncomfortable.

Fran, you've got to believe me,

this was a good investment.

I'd never steer Maxwell wrong.
He's like a brother to me.

Well then, why did you lie to him? And
why did you pretend to still be rich?

Because I made one bad investment
and everyone lost faith.

I mean, why are you here?

Because you found out I was broke and
thought I was a bad risk, right?

Well,

maybe.

See, you have money. You don't know
what it's like to be an underdog.

Oh, please, are you kidding me?

I was an underdog before
Underdog had his own series.

Do you know what
it boils down to, Fran?

I needed a break.

And I knew if Max invested with
me, everyone else would follow.

But I swear to you,

I would never do
anything to hurt him.

I just needed a second chance.

So, is there anything else
I can get you?

That gouda's probably
softening up by now.

Would you settle
for a cinnamon bun?

I don't even care for them,

but I bought a dozen.

I don't know what to do.

I want to give the guy
a break, but he lied to me.

Oh, and you have never lied,
Miss "I went to a private school"

and I'm related
to the Stooges?"

Well, that was different. I was just
trying to get Gracie into a good school.

And maybe he just wanted
to get his life back on track.

You know, you both pretended
to be something that you're not.

By the way, that lipstick
is way too blue for us.

( laughter )

Maybe you've got a point. Maybe I
should just give the guy a break.

I mean, everyone deserves
a second chance.

If you do this,
I'll give you a present.

Really, what?

How would you like to see what you're
going to look like in years?

You can do that?

Watch me.

Oh, my God!

Hi.

Nanny Fine, how did it go?
Wait, wait, wait, let me guess.

Rodney said, "I'll give you
the money back",

but you'll miss a great
investment, and you said,

"Oh, keep the million bucks,
I believe in you."

Yes.

- Oh, sweetheart.
- Hi.

It's good to be home.

Oh, Maxwell, Nanny Fine has
a million things to tell you.

Well, I've got something
to tell you, sweetheart.

Rodney is flat broke.

Really?

Heard all about him in London.
Appears he's up to his neck in hock.

Thank goodness I left before
I invested any money with him.

So what do you want
to tell me, sweetheart?

Well, ah, Rodney came over
to the house

and I wrote him out a check

for the million dollars you just said
you were glad you never gave him.

And?

And... the worst part of it is,

he offered to give it back to
me, and I still didn't take it.

Um, look, sweetheart, actually,
the worst part of it is

that that door doesn't lock
from your side.

Oh. Okay. Bye!

Well, I decided to go with my instincts.
You know, follow my heart.

I mean, what could possibly
go wrong when you...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, boy.

I don't know how you could
have trusted that thief.

It's a good thing that money
doesn't mean that much to you.

Let me try to put this to you in a
language you could understand, darling.

Okay.

Do you have any idea
how much $ million is?

About , cartons
of Haagen-Dazs!

Oh!

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Max, friend.

Where the hell is everything?

Back where it belongs.
It's amazing what you can rent.

Now listen to me, Rodney, you owe
my wife and me an explanation!

Yeah.

Actually, Maxwell,

I owe your wife a big thanks.

- Huh?
- Oh?

Once everybody heard you'd
invested, the money poured in

and the deal went down
without a hitch.

You, my old school friend, have
just made yourself $ , .

- I did?
- Yes.

Come on, we'll call your broker. From the
kitchen. Before they switch the phone off.

( Whistles )

You're pretty happy
with yourself, aren't you?

Oh, you know,
all's well that ends well.

Just goes to show you, you've got
to be yourself in this world.

Meanwhile, when are you
going to start being

yourself with that private
school lady, huh?

Would you stop already with that? God, has
anyone ever told you you're annoying?

Just my voice.

You know,
if you're so concerned,

why don't you set things straight
with the private school lady?

Well, I can't. But if you don't,

I can show your husband what you're
going to look like in years.

And I'm not related to a Stooge, and
I don't personally know Tootie,

and the crab I served
at the party was crab with a K.

But that pianist
really was from Macy's.

Well, I appreciate your candor,
but unfortunately

the committee has decided
not to accept Grace.

Huh?

We're giving her spot to an
underprivileged child from Queens.

But I'm from Queens. I'm
a total schlub. I have no class.

Oh, please, take my kid.

Oh, I know
you're classless, dear,

but Grace is still
Maxwell Sheffield's daughter,

and the school has too many children
from privileged backgrounds.

So are you saying
that it's Maxwell's fault

that our daughter isn't getting
into the school of her dreams?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I feel so much better.

- Chocolates?
- Oh.

Worthless.

How can I inherit
an estate that's worthless?

I can't even claim the title, there's
so many damn lawsuits against it.

Yeah, well what about me?
I already hired six bridesmaids.

And the worst part, I maxed out all
my credit cards on a new wardrobe.

It'll take years
to pay them off.

Niles,

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but your break's over.

( Jazz music playing )