02x03 - Do the Right-est Thing

[bunniefuu]

["HAND IN MY POCKET" PLAYING]

[SONG CONTINUES THROUGH SPEAKERS]

Hi, how you doing?

You new around here?

To planet Earth?

No, I'm .

But I'm also fairly certain this
is my third life reincarnated.

[WHISTLES] Well, color me impressed

'cause my third lap around
this big blue marble

I was nothing but a horsefly.

- Oh, I've never seen a horse fly.
- No?

Saw a horse pee once.

That was a lot.

Yeah. Noisy too.

[CHUCKLES]

To be honest, now that my lower
back tattoo's completely gone,

I kinda miss it.

- Mmm.
- [DOOR OPENS]

Here comes the biscuits train!
Choo choo! [CHUCKLES]

Sassy Smurf!

- Marlboro Man.
- What?

- [LAUGHS]
- Hey! Hey!

- All right! How about that? Yeah.
- [GIGGLES]

- Here you go, boss.
- Thank you.

Uh, hey, who's the new receptionist?

Oh, that's Nora, my daughter.

Oh, okay. Wait...

Is she mine?

Ted, we had sex like six months ago.

Right, right, right, right. Sorry.
Yeah, bad math. [CHUCKLES]

And if memory serves,
you finished on my...

Hey! [BABBLES] Yeah.

No reason to get into
the science of it all

in front of the boss here, you know.

So, uh... [CLEARS THROAT] anyhoo...

What's the hap, Sass? What brings
your fun buns in town, huh?

I'm speaking at a
conference in Brighton.

So Nora is staying with Stinky here.

Yes, and I am going to make good

on every single one of her
wishes from the last six years.

- Aw.
- Hmm, just make sure one of those wishes

is a spare tampon then,
Miss Fairy Godmother.

- Oh.
- Mmm.

That girl is an errant cobblestone
away from her first period.

Well, bibbidi-bobbidi-booyah.
You know. [CHUCKLES]

Always good to see ya, Sass.
[LAUGHS] Straight sh**t.

Okay, I'll let you ladies get back
to it. All right? TTFN. Yeah?

Oh, hey, you know what?

What do you say we do what the man says

and make today our masterpiece, yeah?

[CLICKS TONGUE] Okay.

- Did he talk like that when...
- The whole time and so eager to please.

Hmm.

It was fabulous.

Hmm. [GRUNTS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

- [MALE REPORTER ] Ted!
- [MALE REPORTER ] Coach!

All right, Lloyd, why don't you
go all Pat Benatar on me, yeah?

And hit you with my best sh*t?

- Fire away.
- Yes!

So, you've got Coventry
City this weekend,

where you're heavily favored.

You think this'll end your team's
embarrassing streak of draws?

Oh, Lloyd, I've never been embarrassed

about having streaks in my drawers.

- It's all part of growing up. Yeah?
- [REPORTERS LAUGHING]

All right, who else?

Yes, sir.

Trent Crimm, The Independent.

Hi, Trent. Make like Dunst and
Union and bring it on, baby.

Hmm.

Ted, you're known for creating a great
environment in the locker room,

but do you think the return of
the prodigal son, Jamie Tartt,

will impact that so-called "vibe"?

Hmm. Well, I don't think so, Trent.

Yeah. I believe that Jamie's on
a path to becoming a better man

and I'm just here to help
him along that journey.

You know, think of me as
his own personal Mr. Miyagi.

Except without all that
extra yard work. Yeah.

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

- [KEELEY] Knock knock!
- Hey!

Sam, I think I have something
you might wanna see.

Okay?

You wanna look at your photos
from the Dubai Air sh**t?

Ooh! Yes, please.

Oh, God. I'm very nervous.
But also very excited.

That's similar to whenever Colin drives
me somewhere in his Lamborghini.

Aye, it's true. It's way
too much car for me.

- Look at you! I mean, come on.
- Oh, wow!

You're a mood. You're a
moment. You're a mantra.

Those sound like compliments. Thank you.

Bruh, I'm confused. Is this
an ad for ugly people?

[LAUGHTER]

Congratulations, amigo. I can't wait
to see these up in a tube station.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, so I can draw a d*ck on his face.

- [LAUGHS]
- Ah, yeah!

Bro, why you wearing
your kit on the plane?

[PLAYERS LAUGH]

'Cause it's the only way
they'll know he's a footballer.

[SILENCE]

[THIERRY] Anyways, man.
Um, what are we...

- The pictures are so great.
- Thank you so much.

- Yeah, I'm so proud of you!
- Thanks.

- I'll see you later.
- I'll see you later.

Oh, boys. Will you remember to sign up

for that new dating app
I emailed you all about?

It would really help draw some traction

if there were some young,
hot footballers on there.

Yeah, well...

Keeley, Keeley, uh,
what was the name again?

Bantr. B-A-N-T-R.

Ah, like Grindr.

Yeah.

Well, promise me you'll
just check it out?

- Of course.
- You're the best! [KISSES]

- [CHATTERING]
- [KEELEY] Bye!

Okay, fellas. Got a big
game this weekend.

- What are we looking at, Coach?
- Very physical.

- Okay. All right. Anything else?
- Borderline violent.

[TED] Mm-hmm. You heard the man.

Still can't believe y'all don't have
pads in this sport. It's amazing.

Sorry, Coach. Um, do you mind
if I say something, please?

[STAMMERS] Yeah. No, sure,
Jamie. Come on. Yeah.

Thanks.

I know I wasn't the greatest teammate.

I did some shitty things.
I said some shitty things.

But I want each and every one of
you to know that I'm truly sorry

and I'm ready to do whatever it
takes to make it up to ya. Yeah?

You called me a jaundiced worm.

Right, yeah. And I'm
sorry about that, Colin.

In a profile for my hometown paper.

You hit on my mum.

In front of my dad.

[STAMMERS] I apologize
for that, Bumbercatch.

Uh, please tell your father I'm sorry.

Um, and give Janet me best, yeah?

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

[TED] Uh...

Oh, he said that you cupped
a fart and put it in his face.

[PLAYERS MUTTERING]

Sounds better in French.

Yeah. I know. I do... I do remember
that and I'm... I'm sorry.

Um... Hey, is there anyone else?

You got us relegated, mate.

[CLAMORING]

I don't know you, but I don't like you.

I am not a worm.

Okay. Okay, okay, fellas.
All right. That's good.

Good apology. Way to get the ball
rolling. Okay. Come on, guys. Let's go.

Let's get out on the pitch.
Settle it out there.

Let's go, Richmond!

[TED] Here we go now. Come on.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

I remember the last time
I brought you here

we played that contest of who could fit

the most little sandwiches
in their mouth.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah. That was a while ago.

[SIPS, SWALLOWS]

[GIRL SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

- [REBECCA] Oh, this is silly, isn't it?
- [NORA] No, not at all.

Don't know what I was thinking.
You're not six anymore, are you?

[SIGHS] It's fine. Really.

Should we go somewhere else though?

- Yes.
- I'll get the bill. [GIGGLES]

Then you're coming back, right?

Yes, why?

Ah, just making sure you're not gonna
disappear for another six years.

I'm joking.

[SIGHS]

Okay, I deserved that. [CHUCKLES]

[CHATTERING]

- [ASSISTANT COACH SPEAKING SPANISH]
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]

All right, fellas, I think we've all had
enough of this amuse-bouche.

Time to move on to the main course.

- Chef Beard, what's on the menu?
- v . Let's go!

- [BLOWS WHISTLE]
- [CHEERS] Let's go! Let's go!

Hey, Jamie. Come here real quick.

Yeah, there you go. Yeah,
keep them hips loose.

That's it. Take your time. Love it.

Boy, I wish I could move like that.

- To be so young.
- Yeah.

So, hey, we're gonna start you out
on the reserve squad, all right?

No problem, Coach. Yeah.

Figure it would be good for the fellas
to see ya earn your spot back.

[PANTING] Smart. Yeah.

Nothing more likable than watching
somebody humbly overcome adversity

with their effortless
God-given talent. Pow.

Hey, just do me a favor. Don't try
to do too much out there, all right?

I know what you mean, Coach.

Yeah.

Mr. Kit man! Hit me!

- Hey, you think he heard me?
- I do.

- Think he gonna listen to me?
- I do not.

- Yeah.
- They are going to k*ll him. [CHUCKLES]

Sorry. He just... He just wasn't
very nice to me either, so...

- [TED GRUNTS]
- [NATHAN CHUCKLES]

- Go, go!
- [PLAYERS YELLING]

[PLAYER ] Jamie! Jamie!

[PLAYER YELLING]

- [PLAYER ] Jamie. Jamie! Jamie!
- Yeah!

- [GRUNTS]
- Oof!

[PLAYER ] Whoo!

Hey, while you were off
filming your little TV show,

some things changed around here.

Don't bring that weak rubbish my way.

Let's go, boys! Let's go!

Come on, come on! Let's go!

- Hmm.
- [SAM] Let's go! Let's go!

Who's the worm now?

It's not me.

f*ck just happened?

We could go and see a show tonight.
What about The Mouse Trap?

You know that Agatha Christie play
where someone dies every performance?

Usually in the audience. Seeing
as only old people go and see it.

- Sure. If that's what you wanna do.
- [GASPS]

Oh, the British Girl Shop. Wanna pop in?

Don't really play with
dolls much anymore.

No, of course not.

Besides, why do all their dolls
have to be tragically orphaned?

- Mmm.
- Edith's parents d*ed in the w*r.

- Emma's had scurvy.
- [REBECCA] Yes.

The Americans really do the historical
doll concept better, don't they?

Must be their innate sense of
triumph, however misguided.

Yeah, but no one does the
orphans better than us Brits.

[BELL ON DOOR CHIMES]

- [GRUMBLES]
- Thank you, Uncle Roy.

[DOOR CLOSES]

- I love her.
- Oh, good.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[MESSAGE CHIME]

[TYPING]

[SIGHS]

Right, so how'd her parents die?
Factory fire? Eaten by rats?

No. Zoe's from the modern line.

Her parents were canceled.

So, what's happening with
what's-his-name, from the steakhouse?

Who, John?

- Yeah.
- I dumped him.

- 'Cause of what I said?
- No.

'Cause you were right
about what you said.

So what now?

[SIGHS] Hell, I don't know.

Keeley's got me on that silly
dating app she's promoting.

- The one with no pictures?
- That's the one.

What? So now you just get a bunch
of unsolicited descriptions of dicks?

Uncle Roy, can we have
ice cream for dinner?

No, that's dumb.

You're right. Thank you for
helping me set boundaries.

- Wow, she really loves you.
- I know. It's f*cking annoying.

[SIGHS] It's been really gorgeous
reconnecting with Nora.

And I had all these things
organized. Loads of activities.

She's not interested in any of it.

Look, most adults think kids need
to be constantly entertained.

It's bullshit.

I didn't need a f*cking parade
every day growing up, did you?

Truth is they just wanna feel
like they're part of our lives.

- Hmm.
- Little idiots.

Watch this.

Oi, Phoebe.

Do you wanna come to my
podiatrist appointment later?

Yes, please!

[KNOCKS]

Hey, do you fancy watching
a scary movie together?

I can make some popcorn.

Ah, you finally learned
how to cook, did you?

[CHUCKLES] Sounds fun.
I'll be right down.

Great.

Oh, and, um, for tomorrow
I was wondering...

I mean, it could be a terrible idea.

Would you want to come to work
with me for, like, the whole day

and just join me for meetings and stuff?

It could be tremendously boring.

That would be amazing.

Would it?

Yeah, I've always wanted to see what
it's like to run a football club.

Really? Since when?

Ever since you started doing it.

I'll be down in a sec.

Okay.

- Hey, Shannon.
- Coach Beard asked me to give this to you.

- Oh.
- He had to run off.

Okay. Everything all right?

I don't know.

He mumbled the name Jane
and then sprinted away.

Oh, okay. That makes sense.

What about you? You good?

When are you guys gonna
finally win a match?

Geez louise, Shannon.

Not even Beard comes at me that
strong this early, you know?

We like to start off with a
little small talk, you know?

Like, uh, I'll say, "Hey,
what's the word, Larry Bird?"

Then he'll say...

"Don't call me Larry Bird
and when are we gonna

finally win a f*cking match?"

Yeah. Like that. See,
much better. [CHUCKLES]

So, being the boss isn't just
about reacting to situations.

It's also about anticipating
them as well.

You need to be three, four steps
ahead of everyone else around you.

Good morning, Higgins.

This is my goddaughter, Nora. She's
going to be shadowing me today.

Ah, outstanding! Welcome aboard.

And, uh, Miss Welton,
I received your email.

And once again your
suggestion fixed everything.

I mean, brilliant as always.

What are you talking about?

I was just trying to make you look good.

Eh.

- You blew that. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, I did.

And obviously one of the
perks of being in charge

is having your own private sanctum.

sh*t!

I didn't think you were coming in today.

When I know you're not gonna be
here, sometimes I use your office.

I like the light and
the absence of smells.

No worries. We had a change of plans.

- Keeley, this is Nora.
- Hey.

Nora, this is Keeley Jones.
Our head of marketing.

- Cuppa?
- Mm.

- Hmm.
- I'm so excited to meet you.

I've heard a lot about you
and I love your mum.

She's so cool. [CHUCKLES]

What's "Bantr"?

Oh, it's just a little side hustle
gig. It's a new dating app.

This venture capital firm asked if I
can do some freelance PR for them.

Cool. What's the hook?

It's pretty groovy actually.

They wanna be a less superficial
dating app alternative.

It's completely anonymous, no photos.

It's all about encouraging
people to connect

using their words and personalities.

Yeah, so you don't know if the
person you're communicating with

is remotely fit or not.

Horrifying, isn't it?

I think that's awesome.

Yeah, no. Me too.

Cool. [CHUCKLES]

So, I downloaded Bantr last night.

Attaboy.

Hmm, looking for a lady, hey?

Oh, God, no. No, I
deleted it immediately.

Besides, I am very picky
when it comes to women.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[NATHAN SWALLOWS]

But women are pretty picky too, so...

Yeah, I'm not really looking for
anything romantic right now either.

But, boy, what if I did get on
there and I met my soul mate

and it changed the
whole course of my life.

- That'd be pretty neato. Yeah?
- Yeah.

What about you, Coach?
You get on there yet?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Uh, Jane and I took a big step forward
in our relationship this weekend.

We are now sharing an iCloud account.

- Ooh!
- They call it digital intimacy.

Ooh, so if she found out that
you downloaded a dating app...

She would destroy my phone with
pliers and a blowtorch. Yes.

- Ooh. Oh.
- [PHONE RINGS]

[HIGGINS] Hi, darling.

Diamond Dogs adjourned?

- [HOWLING]
- [HOWLS]

[HOWLS]

Yeah, I was howling. Like a dog, yeah.

Hey, Jamie.

Hey, how you feeling today?

- Eh, f*cking great.
- Yeah?

Yeah, I had this dope idea last night
during me eyebrow threading.

I'm gonna buy the whole team
PS s. They'll f*cking love me.

Yeah, but, you know, some folks

might also consider that
buying affection, you know.

Exactly.

Yeah, what better thing to spend
money on than love? Hey?

[CLICKING TONGUE]

Hmm, boy. He sure does thread
that needle sometimes, don't he?

[SIGHS]

Well, gentlemen, I think
we might have ourselves

a "break glass in case of
emergency" situation here.

- You know what we gotta do?
- Get Dr. Sharon?

What? No. No, no, no.

No, I think it's time for
these young fellas to meet...

that guy.

[WHISTLES]

No. No, no.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

They don't need to meet that
guy. They don't. Nobody does.

Don't worry, Coach. It's gonna be great.

All right. I'll see you in a little bit.

Who's "that guy"?

Led Tasso.

Who's Led Tasso?

The last resort.

Still doesn't really answer
my question though, does it?

Who's Led Tasso?

So, our players have contracts

that were signed when
we were a premiership club.

But our current income is that of
a championship club. Which means...

You're paying premiership rates
for championship players,

so financially the club's a bit f*cked.

[STAMMERS, CHUCKLES]

Sorry.

She got it quicker than Ted did.

[KNOCKS]

[REBECCA] Come in.

Sam! How nice to see you.

- I apologize for interrupting.
- [REBECCA] No, please.

Sam, this is my goddaughter, Nora.

- Nora, this is Sam Ob...
- Sam Obisanya.

Hi, Sam Obisanya.

Oh! Oh, yes. Yes. You guys used
to watch Frozen together.

I have now watched that
movie many times myself.

Oh.

It's a beautiful metaphor
for many of life's journeys.

Yeah, especially puberty.

What can I help you with?

Well, um...

I would like to pull out of
my campaign with Dubai Air.

[GAGS]

What? Why?

Well, it has come to my attention that

Dubai Air's parent
company, Cerithium Oil,

is destroying Nigeria's environment.

And at the same time bribing

government officials
to look the other way.

I can't be the face of
one of their subsidiaries.

Hell, yeah.

Look, Keeley, I'm really sorry. I know
how hard you worked for this.

It's okay.

[REBECCA] Of course you
don't have to do it, Sam.

I'll take care of it.

Thank you.

And, uh, lovely to meet
you, Nora. [CHUCKLES]

He remembered my name.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- They are our sponsor.

We might need to give them a bell
so we don't ruffle any feathers.

I will handle it.

The CEO of Cerithium Oil is
an old friend of Rupert's.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Perhaps
he'll still find me charming.

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLS]

Come here, you.

[YELLS, GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

Oh, that's Led Tasso.

Now I get it.

[GRUNTING]

The Ted you know is gone for now.

[GRUNTS, YELLS]

[BLOWS WHISTLE] Now listen
up, you little turd birds!

Practice starts at o'clock.

If you are not stretched
five minutes early

then you are minutes late!

You understand me?

Do you understand me?

- [SAM] Yes, Coach.
- [TED] Okay, good!

Now start touching your toes!

Touch your toes! Those
are your feet fingers.

Let's go, dummies. Touch your toes.

And touch each other's toes!

- What?
- [TED] You heard me!

Touch each other's toes!
I don't wanna hear it.

Hands on toes. Someone else's
toes besides your own.

- [COLIN] What muscle is this working?
- Don't worry about it.

The only muscle I don't wanna see

working right now is your mouth, Colin.

- [COLIN] Rojas!
- [DANI] Yes.

- Richard.
- [BUMBERCATCH] Rojas!

[GRUNTS]

- Bumbercatch!
- Sorry, Coach.

Okay, you're sorry, hey?

I know y'all don't think it's a big
deal messing up on these drills.

But let me tell you this right now.

The day we stop doing
things the right way

means we are one day closer to
doing everything the wrong way.

Then what happens after that, huh?

What, you wanna make, uh,
uh, this ball your girlfriend?

You gonna start taking it
to places under your arm?

Having people compliment
how y'all look together?

And then what?

You start caressing it and playing
with, like, the little air hole nub?

Yeah? Messing around with
that? Making out with it.

Making it your girlfriend.
Is that what you wanna do?

Then when? You ask it to marry you? Huh?

Y'all wanna be married to a ball?

[SCOFFS] No.

[PLAYERS CHUCKLE]

- What did you say?
- Uh, I-I said no.

Congratulations, Isaac.

That smart mouth of yours just earned
you and the entire team ten laps.

- Let's go!
- Oh, what... What are you...

Oh! Guess what? Make it a thousand
laps. That's your fault too.

A thousand laps. Off
you go! Let's go. Run.

- What did we do?
- Run, run, run, run, run, run. Run! Run!

Yeah, there you go.

Get them knees up! Get
'em by your nipples!

I hope y'all drank a lot of water today

'cause y'all are gonna be so dehydrated,

that you're gonna look like
one of them trees from a...

from a Tim Burton movie.

I'm talking any Tim Burton movie!

Even Dumbo!

Even freaking Dumbo.

[MAN] Rebecca, what a lovely surprise.

Hello, Richard.

So, are you in your second,
third or fourth house?

[RICHARD LAUGHS] I'm actually back
on the yacht. Care to join me?

I don't think your new
wife would enjoy that.

As long as she can watch,
she doesn't mind.

Okay, Richard, I need
to ask you a favor.

One of our players, Sam Obisanya,

no longer wishes to participate
in a Dubai Air ad campaign.

And I was hoping you'd
be able to make that

go away without much fuss.

Understood, Rebecca.
That won't be a problem.

Excellent. Thank you so much, Richard.

Of course. And now, darling,
I just need a favor from you.

Okay. But nothing scandalous, yes?

[RICHARD LAUGHS] Of course
not. Get rid of him.

- I'm sorry?
- Get rid of Obisanya. [CHUCKLES]

Thank you, my dear.
Lovely talking with you.

- It's on the left!
- Richard, Richard, Richard!

- Richard! Richard!
- Right! Right! Right!

Richard!

I haven't seen a pass that soft

since my high school drama teacher
asked me to mow his lawn.

Is anybody on this pitch

interested in not sucking at soccer?

All right, Coach. We get it.
Just stop yelling at everyone.

[STAMMERS]

I don't know whatever this Jekyll
and Hyde thing you got going on

but just leave it out, yeah.

[LAUGHS] Oh, okay. Okay.

You know what, Tartt?
Practice is canceled.

Hit the showers. All
of you. Let's go. Run.

Jamie just blew y'all's
chance to get better.

- Thanks, man.
- That's how running looks. Let's run!

- Let's go! Everybody to the showers!
- [PLAYERS MUTTERING]

Well, guess what? We start
no people this weekend.

It'll be versus zero.

What's the matter, O'Brien?
Your butt still hurt?

Unbelievable. [MUTTERING]

What?

How long was I out?

- Doesn't matter. You're back now.
- Okay.

[SHARON] Well, that was interesting.

Oh, thank you, Doc.

Yeah, little something we
came up with back in Kansas.

- See, what we're doing is...
- You pretend to be an assh*le.

So the team make you their
common enemy and not Jamie.

- Yeah. Spot on. Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah. Got it right away.

Has it ever worked?

- Uh...
- Uh...

- [TED] Trying to remember.
- Uh, Chuck E. Cheese?

Chuck E. Cheese. That's right!

Yeah, we were at a, uh, arcade/pizza
joint in Lincoln, Nebraska.

And one of our offensive linemen
got his head stuck in a VR machine.

Ended up getting the entire meal and

all our beverages comped for free, so...

Maybe they don't have
Chuck E. Cheese here.

Oh, yeah.

Y'all might call it something
different here.

Like, uh, Charles Edgar Cheeserton
III or something, right?

He's a mouse but he's also a musician.

And he loves video games and pizza.

I'm sure.

- Mm-hmm.
- [CHUCKLES]

Okay, we could release Sam.
Which we're not gonna do.

Oh, no.

Or we can tell the CEO of our
biggest sponsor to piss off.

Which I doubt we can do. [SIGHS]

Yeah. This is just like
the time I got in trouble

for chewing gum in the bathroom.

You got in trouble for chewing gum?

No, I was smoking. But
I don't want a lecture.

I'll allow it. Go on.

I was with my friend Sarah,
who we call "Pimp",

when a teach came in and busted her.

I was hiding in the loo and
I could have just stayed there

but he started to get
a bit shitty with her.

So, I decided to come out and we
both ended up getting suspended.

Mum freaked out and I had to watch
a three-hour video about cancer.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Point is, Aunt Stinky,

sometimes you have to do the
right thing even if you lose.

Yes.

Yes, you do.

[KNOCKS]

Hi, Jamie.

Hi.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

Actually, Sam just quit the Dubai
Air gig. So I'm scrambling a bit.

That's stupid of him.

Do you want me to do it?

What do you want, Jamie?

Well, [SIGHS] just wanted to talk.

About what?

[SIGHS] I'm just super frustrated

'cause I don't know how to let
the team know I'm cool now,

and it's just really
f*cking with me head.

Walk with me.

Come on.

I mean, if they wanna be little b*tches

about actually having
someone on the pitch

who can score a goal, then what?

Am I supposed to just walk
around with me head down?

No.

It's like they're holding
onto some silly grudge.

I mean, it's not my fault I'm special.

[KNOCKS]

- Hi.
- Hi.

Jamie, this is Dr. Fieldstone.

She's a brilliant therapist

and, unlike me, she actually gets
paid to listen to you complain.

[DOOR CLOSES]

So, what? Do I just...

sit here and blather on
and on about meself?

Basically.

Nice.

Hey, d*ck hole.

"Dear Richard Cole".

You creepy old pedo.

"My old friend".

Sam isn't going anywhere, assh*le.

"I have decided not to
release Sam Obisanya".

You're a shitty old man
with a tiny, shriveled penis.

I feel sorry for your wife. Her
life must be a constant hell.

"Please give Daphne my love".

Sincerely, boss ass bitch.

"Sincerely, boss ass bitch".

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Welcome to Soccer Saturday.

We have a massive afternoon of action

for you today across all the divisions.

I'm your host, Jeff Stelling here with

Mr. Unbelievable himself, Chris Kamara.

A man who's coached seemingly every
club in England, including yours,

George Cartrick.

And still getting comfortable
in his new seat on our set,

it's the legendary Chelsea
hard man, Roy Kent.

Welcome, Roy.

- [GEORGE CHUCKLES]
- Well said. [CLEARS THROAT]

Of course, last time we
saw Roy Kent on the pitch

was with AFC Richmond,
battling against relegation.

And occasionally against
other Richmond players.

[ARLO] What is this?

Kent and Tartt are at
each other's throats!

[GEORGE LAUGHING]

Well, the big story today is the
return of that same teammate.

The controversial Jamie Tartt.

The ex-Manchester City starlet
and Lust Conquers All reject

has his first match back with Richmond.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Any thoughts, Roy?

Jamie Tartt is a muppet.

And I hope he dies of the incurable
condition of being a little bitch.

- [GEORGE LAUGHS]
- Right.

Don't hold back, Roy.

Yeah, come on. Tell us
how you really feel.

Okay. You're a sh*t manager.

Not about me, you twat!

Language, boys!

- Well, he asked for it.
- He did ask for it.

[KAMARA CHUCKLES]

[CHATTERING]

[PHONE CHIMES]

[CHUCKLES]

Bantr's horrifying, is it?

I'm going to insult something

and then try it because
I'm a good friend.

- [GIGGLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

A-hootie hoo.

Sassy!

I thought you weren't
coming back till Sunday?

What? And miss fit, sweaty men

running around chasing one another?

[CHUCKLES, GASPS] Did
you meet Sam Obisanya?

- That's her favorite player.
- Oh, Mum.

[SQUEALS, GIGGLES]

[SIGHS]

What are you doing?

What, Dubai Air not paying you enough?

[LAUGHING]

No, no. Dubai Air is owned
by a horrible company.

One that has turned the southern
coast of Nigeria, my home,

into a hellish, fiery swamp.

I can no longer wear
their name on my chest.

Never again.

Give me the tape, bruv.

Can I ask it?

Hey, listen. I do not expect
you all to do this.

But I hope you understand
why we as Nigerians must.

Throw me the tape?

What do you think you're doing?

We're a team, ain't we?

Gotta wear the same kit.

Live from the Dogtrack, it's
Arlo White here with Chris Powell.

Today Coventry City take on
the home team, AFC Richmond,

who remain winless with
eight straight draws.

Any predictions, Chris?

- Yeah, I think it's gonna be a draw.
- Makes sense.

But the story everyone is talking
about is the return of Jamie Tartt.

Chris, will the Richmond
faithful welcome him back?

Tough to say, Arlo. Supporters
are a notoriously fickle bunch.

♪ Jamie Tartt, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Jamie Tartt, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Jamie Tartt, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

If no one's passing to Jamie we
can always drop him to midfield.

So the people not passing to
Jamie can be closer to him?

[ZIPPERS OPENING]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

- Cheers.
- Thanks, mate.

[CHATTERING]

[SHUTTERS CLICKING]

What's that now?

[APPLAUSE]

[POWELL] What's going on here, Arlo?

[ARLO] It appears to
be some sort of protest

against Richmond's sponsor, Dubai Air.

This might become an issue.

[PHONE BUZZING]

Hmm.

[BUZZING STOPS]

Boss ass bitch.

- [CHATTERING]
- [SHUTTERS CLICKING]

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Hey, hey. Easy. Easy. Hey,
take it easy, all right?

One at a time, please. Okay.

Go ahead, Gary, what have you got?

Yeah, Ted, did you know
the team were gonna do that?

No, sir. No, no.

But I think what Sam and the
team did today was courageous.

I-I've never needed to
have that kind of courage.

'Cause, well, honestly when

bad things happen to,
uh, people like me

y'all have a tendency to write
about it without being asked.

Sam had to go and get
y'all's attention, you know?

So, if you have any more you wanna
know about it, you can ask him.

Come on, Sam.

[REPORTERS CLAMORING] Sam! Sam! Sam!

Um, hello.

Um...

Thank you. Trent Crimm, The Independent.

Sam, do you think that your protest

may have distracted the team
tonight and lead to the loss?

I'm not here to talk about football.

I'm here to ask the Nigerian
government to put an end

to decades of environmental
destruction caused by Cerithium Oil.

Destruction that the powers that
be have turned a blind eye towards

for far too long.

Do you have any questions about that?

- [TRENT] Yes, I do.
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Follow-up question, please. Thank you.

Sam, are you openly accusing the
Nigerian government of corruption?

Yes, I am.

[REPORTERS CLAMORING] Sam!

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

- How are you feeling?
- Uh, good. I think.

I just hope the rest of the
team is not upset with me.

Mmm.

Hey, doing the right thing is
never the wrong thing. Yeah.

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

- There he is!
- [CHEERING]

- What's going on?
- We are celebrating!

- But we lost.
- Yeah, but we broke the tie streak.

[CHEERS, LAUGHS]

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

A toast to Sam,

who did something incredible tonight.

The little Nigerian prick
stole my thunder.

[LAUGHING]

No, but seriously. To Sam.

To Sam!

- Thank you, guys.
- Well done, bruv.

- I appreciate it.
- [JAMIE] Took a lot of courage, man.

- It's good to have you back.
- Yeah, it's good to be back, bruv.

Please don't do this to me.

[REBECCA] 'Scuse me, chaps.

- Sam, could Nora get a picture, please?
- Oh, hello.

Oh, yes, yes! Of course.

Hey, guys! Guys! We're gonna
take a picture for Nora.

- [PLAYERS CHEERING]
- [DANI] I want to be in the front.

[ISAAC] Nora, you all right?

- You okay? Yeah?
- Yeah! Yeah.

- She's gonna absolutely love this.
- Oh, my God. Look.

[REBECCA] Love it and hate it.

[KEELEY] So cute!

Oi, hide your beers!

Oh! Oh, sh*t.

- [LAUGHS]
- Thank you.

Greyhounds on three! One, two, three!

[ALL] Greyhounds!

[CHEERING, LAUGHING]

- [REBECCA] Ah!
- [SASSY] Okay, got it!