08x18 - Old Soldiers

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [theme]

[phone ringing]

-[rustling]
-[ringing continues]

KLINGER: MASH 4077.

He's asleep, and so am I.

[handset clatters]

I'm gonna put a "Do Not
Disturb" sign on the phone.

I'm askin'
for time and a half.

[yawns]
Oh, he's gonna k*ll me.

POTTER:
[yawning] Come in.

-Sir, telephone.
-POTTER: Telephone?

It's 3:30
in the blessed A.M.!

Even the roosters
are comatose.

KLINGER:
So was I a minute ago.

POTTER:
All right, all right.

If this fella
isn't a general,

I'm gonna sing him
a four-letter aria
he won't forget.

You call yourself
a company clerk.

What happened?
Your pencil break?

You couldn't take a message?

Don't blame me, sir.
The man said it was
very important.

Potter!
And this better be good.

Oh, I see.

That bad.

You're sure?

Well, test results don't lie.

Okay, thanks.
Thanks very much.

Klinger.

Snap to, grunt.

Klinger, Maxwell Q.
Reporting as threatened, sir.

I gotta head out to Tokyo.

Grab a fistful of phone
and get me a flight out.

Is the colonel suggesting
I do it first thing
in the morning?

The colonel is suggesting
you do it first thing
immediately.

Meantime, I'll go pack.

Yes, sir. Oh,
just one thing, sir.

While you're gone, who's gonna
be head honcho in charge?

-Uh, Pierce'll do.
-Well, begging your
protocol, sir

but won't that get
Major Winchester's
nose out of joint

-and possibly mine,
when I tell him?
-It's Pierce, Corporal.

I make the decisions
around here.
You just explain 'em.

Yes, sir. Oh, but if we need
you, where will you be, sir?

-Tokyo General.
-Hospital? What for, sir?

I'm gonna visit
a sick friend.

-Oh, Beej, listen!
You hear that?
-[birds chirping]

No. I don't hear a sound.

Exactly.
And that's because,

since I assumed
the mantle of command,

this place has been humming
along like a well-oiled marine.

Hawk, the only order
you've given in two days
is for a double scotch.

All part of my master plan,
leadership by lack of example.

I command by doing nothing.

I know the feeling.
Second grade,

I was hall monitor
in a one-room schoolhouse.

Yeah, well,
you better get to work.

Here comes your whole class.

Hi. I'm Betty Halpern,
Red Cross.

We're looking
for some doctors.

What a coincidence.
We're looking
for some patients.

This is Dr. Pierce,
benevolent despot.

I'm Dr. Hunnicutt,
loyal subject.

-Who are your friends?
-Refugees.

Their village was shelled,
b*rned to the ground.

I'm taking them
south to relocate.

Nothing spoils a neighborhood
faster than a*tillery.

Any serious wounds?

Well, no,
but we had to hide out

in some farmland to avoid
a North Korean patrol.

Wound up in a patch
of thorny bushes.

Scratched everyone up bad.

We could use some first aid.

These kids have
a lot of scratches.

Some puncture marks too.

We better inoculate them
for tetanus, you know.

-Is that really necessary?
-Yeah, I think so.

There's probably
a lot of manure around.

We don't want to take
any chances.

All right.
[speaking Korean]

Where do you want us?

You can use the mess tent.
It's right over there.

Just follow the
bouncing meatball.

We're inoculating some
Koreans, sir, but that's all.

Don't worry. You got me here
to keep things under control.

Buffalo bagels. Did you
get at those weekly reports,

or are you just sitting
there with your feet up,
smoking my cigars?

[grunts] Working, sir.
Uh, busy as a beaver.

Uh, got your reports
half finished.

I want them all finitoed
by the time I get back tomorrow.

And another thing.
Has a package arrived for me?

Just your laundry, sir.

They starched
your shorts again.

Damn! I haven't stopped
chafing from the last batch.

Listen, if that
package comes in,

you guard it
with your very life.

Sounds important,
sir. What is it?

Mind your own beeswax.

But if anything happens
to that package,

you'll be peeling spuds
till Idaho makes you
their state bird.

Do you read me?

Loud and fearful,
wrathful leader.

-[laughing]
-Children. Children.

Please.

It's not nice for
little boys and girls
to behave like lunatics.

Hey, take it easy, champ.
It's just a simple little test.

[speaking Korean]

There. See?
Nothin' to it.

How long before you'll know
if they're allergic?

Just a couple minutes.

Oh, good.

[speaking Korean]

You're a heartless woman,
Betty Halpern.

Ah. I love kids.

The late Mr. H. and I
raised three.

These children are like
a second family.

I'm not having much luck with
these children, Mrs. Halpern.

Maybe you can
quiet them down.

After all,
you speak their language.

Glad to, Father.

[whistles]
Okay everybody, pipe down!

-[laughing]
-Eh--

I guess it's all in
the delivery.

What's wrong?

You got a blister
or something here?

What is it?
Let me see that.

-Uh-oh. Dr. Pierce.
-HAWKEYE: Yeah.

-Look.
-What is it?

She's having a reaction
to the serum.

Same thing over here, Hawk.

All these people
are reacting.

What we need now is
cool, calm leadership,

and thanks
to Colonel Potter's
dubious selection--

[chuckles]
we have none.

We have to dilute.

Why, what's the problem?

Full strength
inoculations

could put them into
anaphylactic shock.

I'll make arrangements for
everybody to stay overnight.

I'm really sorry for all this
fuss. I appreciate your help.

Well, don't be too grateful.
You haven't eaten dinner yet.

[laughing]

Hey. Hey!

Come on, slugger,
it's time to go beddy-bye.

Put 3, 400 pounds
on this guy,

you got yourself
a great sumo wrestler.

[chuckles] No, thanks.
I'm over-matched at it is.

You know, at night,
there's nothing I like
better than

to sit back, relax,
and think of these kids
over a good stiff belt.

After a couple of rounds
with these half pints,

I could use a couple of
quarts myself.

-I'm not in shape for this.
-I gotcha.

[chuckles] Oh, that was
a nice field run, crazy legs.

KLINGER: And he huffs,
and he puffs,

and he can't blow
the house down.

And you know what
happens then, Rita?

I call you Rita after
my favorite movie star.

You're as pretty as she is.

Anyway,

the Big Bad Wolf slides
right down the chimney.

-[whistles descending tone]
-[crying]

Hey. Hey, what's wrong?

Oh, don't worry.

Nothing's gonna hurt you here.

Come on now. I'll finish
the story tomorrow night.

Honest.
It has a happy ending.

-KLINGER: Okay.
-HAWKEYE: Night, kids.

Sweet dreams, kids.
God knows, you deserve 'em.

Thanks for the buggy ride.

[children chattering]

What's going on here,
open house?

[chattering continues]

Klinger, I'm--

Who in the name of Annie's
argyles are all these kids?

Ah, sir, welcome back
to the black hole of Korea.

-How's your friend in Tokyo?
-Never you mind.

I asked you, who's this?

Oh, this is Private Rita,
executive assistant clerk.

Cute as a bug
in a Persian rug,
isn't she, sir?

She's a Korean
Myrna Loy, all right.

But what is she
and the Dalton g*ng
doing here?

I told you about them
on the phone. They came
in here for sh*ts.

But things got
a little complicated.

Dr. Pierce says no problem.

Fine!
Did my package arrive?

No, sir. The mail
hasn't come in yet.

-Ah!
-Sir, this girl is a prodigy!

She just typed "dribnif,"
and correctly, I might add.

Wonderful. Take
a lesson from her.

I'm gonna go unpack
and eat.

Don't mind him.
It's his shorts.

Wow, how these kids
can pack it in.

Yeah, well, I always did enjoy
having breakfast in bedlam.

[chuckles]

Hmm. Eggs.

Hey, those are eggs.

I guess I need
an interpreter.

[speaking Korean]

Well, you have to understand
the Army's sense of humor.

[laughing]

Hey, the colonel's back!

Hello, sir! Come over
here and sit with us.

Colonel, welcome back
to P.S. 4077.

I'm happy to report
that things are both
hunky and dory.

I return your sword
of command, sir.

How's your friend in Tokyo?

I'm not in a talking
mood, Major.

Oh, how do you do,
ma'am?

Oh, Colonel. this is the lady
who brought us all the kids.

Betty Halpern,
Colonel Sherman Potter.

You two have a lot in common.

You're both
in charge of children.

-My pleasure.
-How do you do, Colonel?

We came here with
quite a problem.

Your people are really
helping us out.

So I hear.
What's the trouble?

They all needed
tetanus inoculations,

but they're reacting
to the skin tests.

Every one of them
is allergic to it,

and we can't
figure out why.

I'll tell you why.

The only meat these folks
get is horsemeat.

It sensitizes
the whole system.

You're using horse serum,
aren't you?

They're allergic to it.

Of course. Given time,

I would have deduced
the same thing.

I kinda doubt that, Charles.

You have absolutely
no horse sense.

Clomp your foot twice
if you disagree.

[laughing]

Nothing to joke about.

It's a tragedy people
have to eat horses.

They're beautiful
animals.

You ever take a peek
at a cow or a pig?

They're ugly.
We're doing 'em a favor
by eating 'em.

Saves them the agony of
looking at their reflections

in the trough every morning.

But a horse,
that's a noble beast.

Why, in the Cavalry,

a man's steed was his best
friend, a real companion.

Where do people get off
making pork chops out of 'em?

Too much k*lling
in this world.
Too much death.

No respect for people,
for tradition, for life.

The whole world's
spinning down the tubes,

and nobody
even seems to notice.

I don't know. I--

Uh, I think I'll go
check on the mail again.

Good day, ma'am.

Hey! A letter from my
cousin Fatima! [sniffs]

Ahh, everything she touches
smells like jasmine.

Klinger, I'm gonna
scuttle your butt
if you don't move it.

Consider it moved, sir.

Oh, wait a minute!
Here's something!

"To Colonel Sherman Potter

from Smith, Smith and Brown,
attorneys-at-law."

I don't trust
those names, sir.

Can the critique
and give me that.

I bet I can guess
what it is. Gimme a hint.

Curiosity KO'ed
the feline, Klinger.

I'd take note of that
if I were you.
And in case you don't,

I'm locking this up
in my desk.

Oh, one other thing.

As long as you're doing
postal duty, deliver these.

-Sir, may I ask--
-No!

Okay, ten sh*ts--
one every two hours.

Ah, a mere 20 hours

until we're released
from the munchkin horde.

Charles, have you been
hoarding munchkins again?

-Not worthy of you.
-Hi-ho, medicos.

I bring you written greetings
from our inscrutable leader.

-Pierce, Hawkeye.
-Ah, undoubtedly
a letter of commendation

for the outstandingly
average manner

in which I ran our unit.

Wrong,
defrocked chieftain.

All the Indians got them--

Father Mulcahy,
Major Houlihan,

even me,
a lowly brave.

Winchester, Charles.

Eh, curiouser
and curiouser.

What does this contain,
Klinger?

Beats me,
and I read mine.

Hunnicutt, B.J.

Ah, I'm all aquiver.

"You are invited to my tent
tomorrow night at 1900 hours.

Cordially, Sherman Potter.
P.S. That's an order."

I don't understand.

You won't believe
what was left on my door.

The crowd thickens.

Let me guess.
Does it look like this?

-You got one too?
-We all did.

Hello, all.
Say, I just received
the most peculiar--

Oh. Does anyone know
what this means?

I do. We're all invited
to Colonel Potter's tent

for an after-dinner riddle.

Klinger, did he say anything
when he gave these to you?

No. Just ordered me
to deliver 'em

and made a beeline
for his office

with that package
he got today.

-Package? What was in it?
-I don't know,

but he's been antsy
about getting it

ever since
the trip to Tokyo.

Came from some lawyers.

Lawyers?

Why would he be hearing
from lawyers?

-Divorce?
-That's stupid.

Who would divorce that
sweet, wonderful man?

Maybe it's, uh--
Maybe it's a lawsuit.

Tax problem.

Or a will.

Uh, I don't wish to sound
ghoulish, and, mind you,

I-- I pray I'm assessing
the evidence incorrectly,

but what if--

what if the sick friend
with the bad lab report

is a ruse and it's
Colonel Potter who's sick?

-No.
-Nah.

Don't even think that.

Let's not
jump to conclusions.

Agreed, but that would
explain the phone call,

the trip to Tokyo,
his mood,

and the package from
lawyers.

Yes, it would.

Look, if he's ill,
we'll find out soon enough.

I'm sure he'll tell us
in his own way.

Maybe he is.

-Okay, they're ready.
-[children chattering]

I told Colonel Potter
we all wanted to talk to him.

-And?
-No soap.

He says he'll explain
everything tomorrow night.

Until then, he wants
to be left alone.

No news is
frustrating news.

Klinger, you're supposed
to be spying on him.

-Didn't you find any clues?
-He's too shifty.

Oh, ridiculous.
Surely you know something.

What was he doing
when you left?

Nothing much.
Just sitting in his office

listening to French records.

French records?
That does it,
I'm gonna talk to him.

Relax, Margaret.
You can't be a mother hen

to a man old enough to be
your father, all right?

All right, but the waiting
is k*lling me.

Okay, step right up.
First come, first sh*t.

-Come on, honey.
-Three doctors, no stalling.

♪♪ [violin on phonograph]

[chuckles]

♪♪ [continues]

Wait.

Come here, son.

Right over here.
I don't bite.

You like the old Victrola,
huh? Me, too.

Yeah, round and round.
That's "Roses of Picardy,"

top of the hit parade
in W.W.I.

Got some memories
in here too.

See? That private is me
in Paris. I was just a kid.

Thought the mustache made me
look grown up. Did, too.

[chuckles]
That's me, honest.

Course, then, I didn't
have this snow on the roof.

Seems like only yesterday.

Yep.

Life was a kind of a "now
you see it, now you don't"

proposition.

It was all in front
of me then, though.

Like it is now for you.

You're off to a kind
of a rough start,

but I bet you've got some
glorious times ahead of you.

I just pray to God
they stop this w*r

and forget how
to make any more of 'em.

Hey, you know what
I picked up in Tokyo?

Some fudge.

Go on. Try some.

It's top-notch, honest.
Watch.

Mmm!

♪♪ [continues]

Mmm!

KLINGER:
Okay, kid, this is it.

It was just a brief encounter,
but I'll be thinking about you.

I always give
my heart too easily.

-Well, when you gotta go--
-So long, Betty.

Next time you're
in the neighborhood,
drop in for a booster.

[laughs] Thanks, Doctor,
we'll do that.

-You people have been
a real sh*t in the arm.
-[chuckles]

-God be with you.
-I appreciate it, Father.

-[grunts]
-We can use all
the blessings we can get.

-Good-bye and good luck.
-See ya. Thanks.

-Don't throw any
spitballs at the driver.
-[Charles laughs]

Whatever you do,
don't pick up any sn*pers.

A good idea.

-[bus engine starts]
-[overlapping farewells]

-Terrific bunch of kids.
-Yeah.

-Well, here we are.
-Sure are.

I guess we can just go on in.

-Uh, that's right.
-Maybe we're early?

-Yeah.
-I-I wanna know,
but I don't wanna know,

-you know?
-I know, yeah.

Well, we can't, uh,
put this off forever.

Somebody
knock on the door.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Well, all right,
I'll-- I'll do it.

Entrez-vous.

Father, glad you
could make it.

Margaret, come on in.
Why don't you sit here?

Pierce, thanks for coming.

-B.J.
-Colonel.

-Klinger.
-Sir.

-Major.
-Sir.

Now, I know I've been acting
a little goofy lately,

but there's
a good reason for it.

Colonel.

What's with her?

I'd do the same thing
if I didn't think
you'd slug me.

What's that
supposed to mean?

We're worried about you,
Colonel.

Rest assured, Colonel.
You have our total support.

Right. We're behind you
all the way, sir.

No matter what
the problem may be.

Thanks, Padre,
I appreciate that, I suppose.

Now, if you'll all put
the tear ducts on simmer,

I'll lay out the whole story.

I guess you're wondering
about the old-fashioned getup.

Well, now that you
mention it--

Yep. Still smells
like mothballs.

It was a long time ago--
1917, to be exact.

And I've put on a dozen
or so pounds since then.

We were in France,

under a heavy
a*tillery barrage.

My buddies and I laid low
in an old French chateau.

We were quite a group,
the five of us.

Went through hell together

and lived to get drunk
about it.

What a great bunch of guys.

That's us. I'm the one
mugging for the camera.

Anyway, there we are
in this chateau.

So Stein finds a cache
of fine brandy,

and we sat up all night.

The shells were screaming,

and we were singing
and toasting our friendship.

Then we got down
to the last bottle--

This, uh, very bottle here.

Any of you know
what a tontine is?

Yes. A tontine
is a...pledge.

Give that man a cheroot.

The five of us made a pledge.

We'd save this bottle,

let some legal eagle
stow it for us,

and whoever turned out to be

the last survivor
of the group,

well, he'd get the bottle

and drink a toast
to his old buddies.

For good or bad, you're
looking at the last survivor.

I got the job when Gresky
passed on in Tokyo.

He had the bottle
sent here,

-God rest his soul.
-So that's what it is.

-Thank God I was wrong.
-Colonel, we thought
you were sick.

I was sick,

just thinking how
all my friends are gone now.

Felt a little sorry for myself,
too, getting up in years.

But I'm looking at things
a bit different now.

I've been a very lucky man.

I've had some wondrous,
joyous times.

That's what counts.

We were so alive back then.

It was something.

But, as much as my
old friends meant to me...

I think you new friends
mean even more.

So I'd like you to share
this bottle with me.

We'd be honored, Colonel.

Uh, pass it around,
would you, Pierce?

As I recall...

it was mighty smooth in '17.

Well, it should be
magnificent now.

Just one thing. I'd like
to make the first toast solo

to my old buddies.

Here's to you, boys.

To Ryan, who d*ed in W.W.I,
the w*r to end all wars.

To Gianelli, who d*ed
in the w*r after that.

To Stein,
the joker of the crowd.

And to Gresky,
my best friend

who just passed away in Tokyo.

You were the friends
of my youth.

My comrades through
thick and thin

and everything in between.

I drink to your memories.

I loved you fellows...

one and all.

Still mighty smooth.

Okay, that's the old.
Now for the new.

To love and friendship.

-Sir! What's--
-Don't ask!

-Just take a memo!
-Yes, sir.

To all laundry personnel.
As of this date,

the use of starch
in laundering clothing

is expressly forbidden,
especially my shorts!

Send it out, quick!

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [theme]