10x13 - A Holy Mess

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

(jet engine roaring)

Thanks, Lieutenant.

Keep him on the penicillin.
Same dosage.

Hey, I got good news
for you, Corporal.

You're going home.

Tell me the truth, doc.
How's my leg?

It's going home
with you.

Listen up, folks.

I've got the best news
possible short of a truce.

The negotiators have
finally reached an agreement.

There's gonna be
potato salad and not
coleslaw with their lunch.

Better.
Some of our infantry boys

just liberated a chicken farm
on the Imjin.

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe those chickens

enjoyed the communist
way of life.

Pierce, will you
let the man talk?

All right.
It's okay, Margaret.
Let him rant.

He'll just end up
with egg on his face

instead of in his mouth
like the rest of us.

Eggs? In Korea?
Impossible.

Korean chickens
only lay powder.

Pierce, shut up already.

Talk, sir.
Thank you, Major.

It seems the farmer is
so grateful, he's donating

an entire day's egg production
to all the G. I. s in the area.

(cheering)

Does that include us?

Yep. Tomorrow,

at a special Sunday brunch,

officers, enlisted men
and wounded...

will get fresh eggs.

(cheering)

Eggs? Real eggs?

Unpowdered, unsimulated,
unfabricated,

unadulterated,
unarmy eggs?

Unbelievable.
Factory fresh.

Paint isn't even
dry on the shells yet.

The last fresh egg
I had was over a year ago,

and that was in a shampoo.

I'll take 50 overeasy.

Sorry, Pierce.
Two's the limit.

Violators will be sh*t.

(stammering)

(chatter)

You know how I like mine?

Fried up so the yoke
is a glowing yellow jewel

in the shimmering
alabaster white.

You'd better have your eggs
with a cold shower.

There is nothing
to compare with eggs

delicately poached on toast,
bronzed to perfection,

sidebyside with precisely
sauteed kippers.

The best eggs I remember
was when I was an intern.

I'd been on duty all night
with this fantastic nurse.

What a figure.

Extra Large. Grade "A."

She invited me up
to her place for breakfast.

As soon as we got there,

she put on two
threeminute eggs.

Four hours later,
we ate them.

Well, I have
rounds to make.

I will leave you
desperate gentlemen

alone
with your fantasies.

Charles, my fantasies
are seldom alone.

B.J.: You know,
I was thinkin',
maybe, if we're lucky,

this raid on the Imjin
will start a trend.

Today, a poultry farm.
Tomorrow, a liquor store.

Can you pass me
the sugar, please?

Excuse me.

Are you talkin' to me?

Yeah. Would you
please pass the sugar?

I know how you feel.
The food's inedible,
but you need it to live.

It's an interesting
dilemma.

If you could stay
around till tomorrow,

you're in for a big treat.

Fresh eggs.

Great.

I'm Pierce
and he's Hunnicutt.

They call me Hawkeye
and him B. J.

We're drinkers by trade.

We only got our M. D.'s

so we could operate
on each other's livers.

What's your name?

Gillis.
Nick Gillis.

Now would you just
please leave me alone?

Sometimes for dessert
we go back to our tent
and forget dinner.

With a good drink.

You wanna join us?

Only if you don't
hold us to the "good" part.

Come on.

(cough)

Boy, I never tasted
stuff this strong before.

We forge our own
prescriptions.

So, how long
you guys been over here?

Oh, let's see,
15th of next month,
it'll be forever.

How 'bout you?

Just a little
over a year now.

You guys married?

No, it's just that
we've been through

so much together
that we look that way.

(laughs)
I am. I got a little girl
back in California.

Some day I'm hoping
to be introduced to her.

Are you okay, Nick?

(sighs)

I'm from Idaho...

and there's this guy
back in Boise...

I, uh, just got
a letter from him

the day before
yesterday...

uh...

congratulating me...

on the baby my wife
just had.

I know what it's like
to be away from home.

Every time I get
a letter from Peg

telling me about something
Erin's doing, I'm ready
to climb the walls.

Look!
Aren't you listening to me?

I just told ya,
I been here over a year!

The baby was born
three weeks ago.

(groans)

I'm... sorry.

That's rough.

I mean, all this time
she's been writing me,

Gloria's never mentioned
a word about it.

You know? Just a lot of
stuff about the weather

and who's doin' what.
Who's doin' what.

Boy, isn't that a laugh, huh?

Uh, does your unit
know where you are?

I thought you said this
was just supposed to be
a friendly drink.

No. Just between us.

Yeah, but you guys
are officers.

Doctors, not soldiers.

All right.

(sighs)

(sighing)
I've been AWOL
since yesterday.

Have you talked
to anybody about this?

Well, I was gonna
talk to the chaplain,

but I just decided I wanna
get the hell out of there
and go home.

Okay, well, now
that you're out,

maybe you ought to
talk to our chaplain.

Father Mulcahy.

If anybody can find
a way to get you
home, it's him.

Yeah.

I guess that wouldn't
be such a bad idea.

I'm sure he'd be glad
to see you right now.

No.

Yeah, well...
Tomorrow would be soon enough.

Come on.

(door closes)

Gently. Gently.
(chattering)

To accompany
my poached eggs, Pernelli,

I want these kippers
delicately sauteed.

I never learned that.
At army cook school,

sauteed was for guys
on scholarship.

(chatter)
Hold it. Hold it.

You're making me nervous!
Remember, I want these eggs

boiled exactly
three minutes and 15 seconds.

I'll throw a stopwatch
in the pot.

Hey, Sal! Sal! Can you
make me a cheese omelet?

Sure thing.
I'll saute it for three
minutes and 15 seconds.

Oh, great. Here's the cheese.
(groans)

What is that odoriferous
fungal mass?

Lebanese goat cheese.
It's worse than I thought.

I've been ripening it
in a damp, dark place.
Your boots?

(chatter)
That does it!

I'm not standing
around here cooking eggs
from now till V. K. Day.

Oh, come on, Sal.
If I don't eat this
cheese before tomorrow,

I'll be
k*lling a living thing.
Everybody gets scrambled.

No special orders.
Scrambled?

(all yelling)
Scrambled! Scrambled!

I'll just take three eggs,
if that's all right.

I'll just take
Here's the added fixin's
for my Western omelet.

Mildred clipped this recipe
right out of Argosy.

Well, sure.
Sure?
(yelling)

Hold it! What can I say?

I've been
outranked by bologna.
(woman groans)

Beej!

They're here!
Hey! Hey! They're here!

Tell them to go away.
I'm sleeping.
No, the eggs.

The eggs! The eggs!
Hmm.

I saw them.
They're in the kitchen.

They're lined up as far
as the mouth can water.

I touched them.
I'm happy for both of you.

Wait a minute.
What are you doin'?

Get up.
It's brunch day.

I know. I know.
"Brunch" means later.

Today is gonna be
my Sunday back home.

I get to sleep late,
lie around for
an hour or so,

then have a delicious
real egg meal,
then take a nap.

Boy, some fun you are.
(groans)

All right, fine.
You sleep.

I'm gonna go back
to the kitchen

and see if I can
lick the shells.

You lick. I'll sleep.

(groans) Boy, those drinks
really put my lights out.

We use nothing
but the finest embalming
ingredients available.

Listen, we talked to
the chaplain last night.

He wants to see you
after this morning's services.

Oh, you have
services here?

Every Sunday
and before Salisbury steak.

Oh, when?
In about 10 minutes.

Great.
I'd like to go.

Well, it shouldn't
be any problem.

There are always
plenty of seats available.

Good. Then maybe me
and the priest

can work this thing out.

If not, then I'll
be on my way.

Hey, hey. Uh...

you guys will be goin' to
the services too, won't ya?

Oh. Wouldn't miss it.
Yeah. Wouldn't miss it.

Wait. Hey, Beej!
Hmm?

Good thing I woke you.
WhWhy?

You almost slept
through the services.

So, I think we can draw
the conclusion

from our allegorical story
of the onelegged man

and the wheelbarrow,

that no matter how
difficult it might be

to manage life's
uphill struggles,

no matter how steep
the climb,

the rewards for which
we are all destined

will make
the arduous journey

worthwhile.

Amen.
Amen.

Amen.

Now, then, I have just
a few announcements.

Don't worry.
He's much better in person.

The missing middle reel

from last week's
Samson and Delilah

has just arrived with
the second and fourth reels

of this week's movie
Mr. Belvedere Goes
To College,

starring
the always fastidious

and equally amusing
Clifton Webb.

These reels will be shown
in as coherent an order
as possible

tomorrow at 2000 hours.
(door opens)

Thus creating the movie hit
Samson and Mr. Belvedere
Go To Delilah.

Also, for future R & R's
in Tokyo,

I've prepared a list of churches
offering roundtheclock

confessional facilities,

most, I'm told,
are bathhouse close.

Amen.

After you, Gillis.

Those of you wishing to learn
more about the Bible...

So how'd you know
where to find me?

Did they call you?

You're not the first man
to go AWOL.

I drew a straight line
between our sector and Seoul

and followed it right
into this mess tent.

Now, you and I are
gonna follow it back.

No.
Shh! Tuttut.

Now we will conclude
this morning's service

with the usual singing
of the Doxology.

If you'll all please rise.

(clears throat)

ALL: ♪ Praise God ♪

♪ From whom
all blessings flow ♪

♪ Praise... ♪
Now, Gillis.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, is there a problem
here, Lieutenant?

It's nothing
I can't handle.

This man's not where
he's supposed to be.

Well, who of us is?

Just a minute here!

Lieutenant,
would you be so kind

as to explain why you have
disrupted my service?

Father, this man
is AWOL from my platoon,

and my C. O. wants him
returned immediately.

Is that right, son?

I've got to get home, sir.

He's got a pretty
good reason, Colonel.

Maybe so, Pierce,
but that's none
of our business.

Private, you'd
better go back

and run the iron over this
with your C. O.

before you get
in any more trouble.

No, I won't.
You move your butt,

or the M. P.'s
will drag it out of here.

You take it easy, Lieutenant.
The kid's just a little
mixed up.

Just a minute.
This is a place of worship.

Tell him, Father.

I'm trying
to make this peaceful.

You better go along, son.

Look,
I'm not goin' anywhere,

and you can't touch me.

The hell I can't.

Didn't you hear the chaplain?
This is a church.

Church? It's a chow hall!

Sergeant!
Hey, wwwait a minute.

I got a right to, uh...
to, uh...

I got a right to
something, Father. Wha...

Sanctuary?

Yeah! That's it!
Sanctuary!

That's it. Sanctuary.
I've got a right to sanctuary.

Don't hand me that.
Sergeant!

Just a minute, Sergeant.

Colonel,
theythey can't do this.

I'm sorry, Padre, but I think
the lieutenant's right.

Colonel, I realize I have
no m*llitary authority,

nevertheless,
as a man of God,
I believe there's

a religious principle
here which takes precedence.

This is a place of worship,

be it a cathedral
or a mess hall.

If the boy chooses
to take refuge here,

then I must grant it to him.

(sighs)

Priest or no priest,
you can't let him
get away with this.

Can't say I agree.

Sanctuary is
the padre's bailiwick.

Well, that concludes
our services this morning.

See you next Sunday.

Father, what's
going on with that guy?

Everything will be
straightened out.

Nothing to worry about.

Love the wheelbarrow
story, Father.

How'd he do it?

Perseverance, my son.
Perseverance.

That private
is mine, Colonel,

and unless
you've got a manual

that says this mess tent
isn't a mess tent,

I'm taking him with me.

Lieutenant, there's a legal
hair to be split here.

I don't think you or I
are qualified to
make any decisions.

Then who is?

I'm gonna call the Judge
Advocate General's office

and see if their legal beagles
can't give us an answer.

In the meanwhile,
everybody just sits tight.

You want a phone call,
you're the colonel.

We'll be right outside.

It's good we got
lawyers and judges

that keep this w*r
on the upandup.

You boys knew Gillis
was AWOL last night.

I don't like getting
bad news late.

Now, Colonel, that's
not exactly the way

Save it for the roses,
Hunnicutt. Admit it.

You assumed
that if yours truly

knew about that boy's
situation,

I'd do something foolish,

like what's
supposed to be done.

Well,
I guess we did figure

what you didn't know
wouldn't hurt him.

How am I gonna teach
you two vigilantes

to take those captains
bars seriously?

If I busted ya to privates,

you'd think of it
as a promotion.

I'm sorry, Colonel,
and I'm sure

future Private Pierce
feels the same.

I'm gonna go to my office
and call the J. A. G.

And you boys are
going somewhere too

anywhere but here.

Oh, thank you, Derek.

I'll see you next Sunday.

Goldman,
what are you doing?

We're getting this place
ready for the brunch.

Real eggs, Father.

Leave everything
exactly the way it is.

But, Father, real eggs.
Goldman.

Well, Private,
as long as we're going

to be spending
some time together,

why don't we get
acquainted?

I'm Father Mulcahy.

Aha! Margaret, come here.

Allow the delicate
fragrance of frying kippers

to embrace your
olfactory organ.

You leave my organs
out of this.

And do something
about that awful stench!

The tragedy of a palate

that's had only
an elementary education.

How am I supposed
to softboil eggs if
the water won't boil?

I'm a surgeon,
I'm not a Hindu philosopher.

What gives?
Major Winchester tells me

you won't prepare our eggs
to order, so we're stepping in.

What you're stepping in
is my kitchen. Step out!

Listen, you crowned
prince of Ptomainia.

I outrank you
by five promotions

and at least
80 I. Q. points.

Smart people don't scare me.

Now, will you kindly
take your I. Q.

(sniffs)
What stinks?

A question
you should never ask

when in the vicinity
of yourself.

Hey, that's burnin'!

Ooh! No! Oh, no!
No, no. Don't!

(screams)
Imbecile!

How dare you pour water
on imported Norwegian kippers!

It won't hurt 'em.
They're fish, ain't they?

(whimpers)

Now you can see
why I have to get home,

can't you, Father? Huh?

I can see why
you're upset,

but going AWOL?

Why do you keep tellin' me
what I'm doin' is wrong?

What about what she did?

Nick, there's no doubt that
what Gloria did was wrong.

Sometimes when people
are lonely, they

Lonely? She'd better
have a better answer
than that. I'm lonely.

I know.

Perhaps I could arrange
an emergency leave for you.

Perhaps?
Nick! There are certain
realities here.

Now, being AWOL
is bad enough,

but in 30 days,
AWOL becomes desertion.

Don't try
to scare me, Father.

If you wanna help me,
then you'll get me home.

(door slams closed)

Come with me.
You boys stay right there.

You're not gonna let them
come in here, are ya, Father?

No, not in here.

Bad news, Padre.
The J. A. G. Says no
to sanctuary.

Sorry, son.

Well, Private, I guess
services are over.

I'm not going back!
You don't have to.

I'm afraid I can't accept
the Judge Advocate
General's decision.

I don't see where
you have any choice, Padre.

The fella I talked to
is a crackerjack
m*llitary lawyer.

Colonel, I don't feel
bound by m*llitary law
in this matter,

but, rather,
by sacred principles.

The only person I'd answer
to is the command chaplain
at ICorps.

Until I hear from him
to the contrary,

Private Gillis will remain
in sanctuary here.

Colonel, this is a crock.

Are you gonna let
this messtent monk
run your camp?

Watch your mouth,
Lieutenant.

I've known this man
long enough to give him

the benefit of
a couple hundred doubts.

He's not about
to take a stand unless
he feels it pretty deep.

So let's make a call
to the command chaplain.

You're makin' it
tough for me, Gillis,

but nothin' like
I'm gonna make it for you.

Anything new
with Gillis, Colonel?
Not yet.

Hey, Colonel,
when's the brunch?
We want our eggs!

MAN: What's goin' on here?
What's happening?

That kid's in bad
enough shape already.

The last thing we need
is a bunch of angry
rubberneckers

closing in on an angry kid,

so I'm putting you two
in charge of crowd control.

(overlapping shouting)

Okay!
Hey, hey, hey!

Take it easy on me.
I'm a veteran.

Folks, Father Mulcahy
needs the mess tent
for a little while.

When he's done, they'll
start cookin' the eggs.

Well, If nobody's
cooking eggs yet,

then what's that I smell?

(all shouting)

It does smell like eggs.

As far as we know, that
is an unauthorized smell.

(all groaning)
MAN: Ridiculous.

Now, look, look.

There's an infantryman in there
who's had a rough time.

Father Mulcahy's tryin'
to talk him through it.

Things are tough
all over, doc.

We got promised eggs,
we're gonna get 'em.
ALL: Yeah!

(shouting continues)

I'll go check this out.

I'm leaving you
Captain Hunnicutt
as a hostage.

I'm sure there's a very simple
explanation to all of this.

Stall 'em, big guy.

What's the story?
Come on!

Okay, so...

how many of you
are from out of town?

(chattering)
Ridiculous.

Pernelli, what
are you cooking?
Venison.

We're not ready
for the eggs yet.

Not ready?
What do you want,
hors d'oeuvres?

ALL (chanting): We want eggs!
I don't make dips.

Who told you
to cook the eggs now?

Well, correct me
if I'm wrong.

Brunch comes between
breakfast and lunch.

Hence, the name.

Hey! Hurry up, will ya?

These people either
want eggs or answers.

Do I serve them or do I not?
No, not yet.

MAN: What are you doin:
Hoggin'them for yourself?

ALL:
Yeah! Come on!

Don't go anywhere.
Just sit on those eggs
for a while.

What am I, a chicken?

What's goin' on?
(loud chatter)

You know,
I've been thinkin',

it isn't often we all
get a chance to get
together like this,

so we ought to take
advantage of it.

Anybody got any gripes?
(all shouting)

Now we'll get some answers.

Hawk, I think
you ought to know,
we're going to die.

Never say "die,"
and, certainly
never say "we ."

Uh, hey, everybody,
I got great news for you.

(loud chatter)

What's he talking about?
What's going on here, Pierce?

I'm glad you asked,
because I was just
about to announce

we're not going to have
an ordinary eggs brunch.

Fresh eggs
call for fresh air.

We're gonna have a picnic!
A picnic!

Are you crazy?
In this dust bowl?

We can't get
an ant to show up.

You tell 'em.

Heighho, everybody!

Go get your mess kits
and report right back here
on the double.

We're dining
in the great outdoors!

I must say, that
sounds rather appealing.

Eggs al fresco.

A picnic sounds sexy
when you say it in French.

That's Italian.
That's even better.

Excusing your pardons,
Captains.

You two want a picnic? Fine.
Yeah.

You serve it.
What?

I don't deliver.

Surely you must realize,
Nick,

that even if the command
chaplain supports us,

you can't
stay here forever.

Stop pushin' me, Father.
I'm not goin' back.

The consequences
of your actions

will affect
the rest of your life.

What do I care about
the rest of my life?

It's not worth
anything now.

No human life is worthless,

especially a young man
like yourself

with so much of it
left to live!

The person I planned
to live it with
has stuck a Kn*fe in me.

Don't you
understand that?

I called the command chaplain.
And?

He says since this
is not a permanent structure,

the mess tent cannot
be considered a church.

I'm afraid it this case,
two strikes is out.

But this is as permanent
a structure as we have.

God doesn't issue
building permits.
Sorry, Padre.

So am I.

I'm not going to let them
take this boy.

Father, you're tryin'
to play one too many cards.

Take him out of there.

(g*nsh*t)
(screaming)

MAN:
Everybody get down!

Move away, Father.

I'm getting out of here.
How dare you?

You seek refuge
in this house of the Lord

when it serves
your purpose.

Then, when it's
no longer convenient,

you desecrate it
by pointing a deadly w*apon

at another human being.

Private,
a faith of convenience

is a hollow faith.

I'm warning you, Father.
I'm goin'.

Give me the g*n.

No!

Stay away from me.

Just stay away.

I want you to
hand me that r*fle.

No!

(breathing rapidly)

(sobbing)
Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
I'm sorry.

(sobbing)
I'm sorry.

I know. I know.

(sobbing)

I gotta hand it
to you, Father.

You've got ice water
in your veins.

I may have appeared calm
on the outside, Captain,

but I can assure you,
my stomach was quaking
in its boots.

Great news, boys.
Gillis isn't goin'
right back to his unit.

The J. A. G. has approved

a stopoff
at the evac hospital.

Sidney Freedman's gonna
give him a looksee.
Good.

He's got the best
couch in Korea.

It's comforting to know
he's going to be treated

as a casualty
rather than a criminal.

You said it.

You know,
this omelet isn't bad.

Though with all
the bologna and onion

and cheese, it's difficult
to taste the eggs.

It's better that way, Father.
They're powdered.

♪♪♪ (theme)