02x02 - Kayshon, His Eyes Open

[bunniefuu]

♪

[YAWNS] I'm so zonked.

The red alerts from that wormhole
kept me up half the night.

Oh, I know. It's, like, are we crossing
the event horizon or not?

Like, I don't care, actually.
I just want you to pick one.

Jet. What are you doing here?

Got reassigned to Beta shift.

Looks like we'll be showering together.

Cool. Well, welcome to the team.

I'm sort of the unofficial leader.

Feel free to come to me
with any questions.

She's joking, right?

Nope.

[ELECTRONIC WHIRRING]

[BEEPING]

Ooh, actually, usually Boimler
leaves that one open for me.

He has issues with communal nudity.

Well, I'm not him, and he's not here.

Cool.

- Hope this isn't too high for you.
- [BEEPING]

- [LOUDER WHIRRING]
- Ooh! Ha-ha! Fine with me.

- I could go higher.
- [BEEPING]

- [WHIRRING GROWS LOUDER]
- Uh, that's a little high, don't you think?

- Not for me!
- This is my favorite!

[BEEPING]

- [WHIRRING GROWS LOUDER]
- [SCREAMING, GASPING]

- I think I'm clean!
- Yeah, I'm good!

[THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH]:
I could do this all day!

Never felt more alive!

[BEEPING]

- [WHIRRING GROWING LOUDER]
- [BOTH GRUNTING]

♪

♪

♪

FREEMAN: Captain's
log, stardate . .

Those who spend their lives and fortunes

gathering scientific rarities
from around the galaxy

call themselves "collectors."

Now, a prominent collector has d*ed,

leaving behind a starship
full of hazardous treasures

that need to be safely catalogued.

The Collector's Guild has
asked the Federation for help,

so the Cerritos has
been tasked with the job.

Chairman Siggi, allow me to
offer my deepest condolences

for the loss of your friend.

Kerner Hauze was no friend.

His collection pales
in comparison to mine.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, I'm sure that's true.

How can we help?

Well, I'm supposed to auction
off his things, per Guild rules,

but I don't know what
kind of dangerous items

he might have been hoarding.

I need you guys to come in
and safely dispose of anything

that could, you know, atomize me.

Happy to help. We'll prepare a team.

And I'll be overseein' 'em...

I don't want any of your crew
getting sticky appendages.

Ugh, Collector's Guild. Just
a bunch of greedy packrats.

Wasn't he the one who
tried to collect Data?

They all tried to collect Data.

Why couldn't they leave Data alone?

He just wanted to feel.

This is the last thing I need right now.

I'm supposed to find out the results

of my command evaluation today.

Well, sounds like your
basic tag-and-bag.

- Want me to head it up?
- No, I think this is a fine first job

for our brand-new head of security.

♪

Lieutenant Kayshon,
welcome to the Cerritos.

Rapunki, when he joined the seven.

Ah, sorry. The universal
translator doesn't always...

What I meant was, uh,
"It is my honor, Captain."

Jah! This is so cool!

Lieutenant Kayshon is the
first Tamarian in Starfleet

and we get to go on a mission with him!

Eh. We're basically clearing out
a dead dude's storage locker.

A mission's only as important
as you make it, Mariner.

[SNICKERS] Okay, Commander Protocol.

- You always this fun?
- We're on the clock.

I'll have fun after we do the job.

Ugh. You sound uptighter than Boimler.

Ah, man, Boims would
have loved this mission.

He took Ethics of Collecting
at the Academy.

Yeah, but the Titan's such a big deal.

I bet he's living the dream.

- [EXPLOSIONS]
- [SCREAMING]

Mr. Boimler, att*ck pattern Delta.

Target the aft shields.

Let's see how these Pakleds
do with their aft hanging out.

Uh, yes, sir.

[BOIMLER SCREAMS]

- Photon torpedoes locked and ready.
- Fire!

- [CHEERING]
- MAN: Yeah!

TACTICAL OFFICER: Hasta mañana, Pakleds!

- Great job, everyone. That's a wrap.
- [QUIET WHIMPERING]

♪

Lieutenant Kayshon,

we're your away team,
reporting for duty.

It is a pleasure to meet you,
and I look forward to, uh...

oh, geez... Darmok and
Jalad on the ocean...

"Working with you"?

[CHUCKLES]: Yes! Thank you.

Apologies, my Federation
Standard is still shaky.

It's no problem, sir. Or should I say,

- it's no "beast at Tanagra."
- [CHUCKLES]: Oh!

More like suck-up at Tanagra.

About time, Starfleet.

What'd you do, stop to debate
the human rights of a robot?

I-I do not believe so.

Perhaps we should review our logs.

Hey, just bustin' your bioducts.
Here's the deal.

I need youse to comb through
all this stuff on the floor here.

But the high-ticket
items in these cases?

That stuff stays here.

Uh, okay.

All right, if we split up, we
can knock this out in an hour.

Whoa, big fella.
This is just the first room.

Most of the collection's
further in the ship.

There's more?

Oh, how much can one guy collect?

Sister, you got no idea.

[MARINER GROANS]

RIKER: There's a pattern to the
Pakleds' att*cks on these outposts.

- They're after Varuvian ore.
- Uh, s-sorry. What ore?

Varuvian. Contains minerals
which become volatile

at high vibratory frequencies.

[CHUCKLES] Those t*rrorists tried
to use it to blow up Starbase .

Oh, uh, yeah, I think I remember
reading that in one of your logs.

Huh. Titan's seen a lot of action.

[BRITISH ACCENT]: Ain't
weaponizing Varuvian ore

a bit above the Pakleds' grade level?

Way above, which is why
Starfleet Command believes

there may be another player involved.

Intel says the Pakleds' next target

is a Varuvian mining
colony on Karzill IV.

We'll embed an away team
there disguised as miners

with the goal of planting a
tracking device on their shuttle.

They'll lead us right
to their puppet master.

And that's when we cut the strings.

- Cutting the strings.
- You don't have to write that down.

I don't have to write that down.

♪

[GRUNTS] Got another
old disintegrator here.

Oh, hey, Cyborg.
You're pretty rare, huh?

Yeah, as far as I know there's
only a few of us in Starfleet.

Interesting.

Careful, Ruthy, he's
gonna try to collect you.

- [GASPS]
- Take my card.

I got a top-notch menagerie.

So, Kerner Hauze just lived here
all alone on an automated ship?

He must have been so lonely.

Perhaps to him the silence was, uh...

"Temba, his arms open." [SIGHS]

- A gift?
- Yes, gift. Sorry.

Perhaps he preferred to be alone.

Yeah, I guess more time to enjoy...

"Kahless' fornication helmet."

Oh, that's fun. Safety first.

MARINER [DISGUISING VOICE]:
This way, mortals,

or thou shalt be smited.

We got a lot to do.
You might want to focus.

And you might want to loosen up.

Oh, yeah, loosen up while
carrying ordnance...

great idea, Mariner.

[DEEP WHIRRING]

Whoa! Uh, what's going on?

- [SURPRISED GASPS]
- Ah-ah-ah.

If you're seeing this holo-message,
it means I'm dead

and you're trying to steal
from my precious collection.

Oh-ho, great! Automated defenses!

- You must've moved something.
- What?!

You had us move lots of things!

For your greed,

you will now be part of my collection!

- [ZAPPING]
- [GASPING]

- [SCREAMING]
- Lieutenant Kayshon!

Help me! It's-it's...

"Zinda, his eyes red!"

He's saying, "It hurts."

Yeah, man, I get it. Context clues.

[GRUNTING]

[ALL GASP]

That beam turned him into a puppet!

He'll be worth a fortune.

Could you stop collecting for one...

Aah, flying orb!

[ALL SCREAM]

[EXHALES]

[HISSING]

[SCREAMS]

Whoa! Manhaver to Cerritos, come in.

- Comms are blocked.
- We've got to get out of here! Now!

[JET GRUNTS]

MARINER: I've got him.

- JET: No, I've got him.
- TENDI: Guys!

- Out of my way.
- Hey!

Let's go.

[GRUNTS]

I told you to keep your
hands to yourself, Orion.

- [GROANS]
- Just great.

This is what I get for
involving Starfleet.

Oh, you want to try to get through
the k*ller ship on your own?

Be my guest.

Oh, man, it's just
gallery after gallery.

We need to get to the engine
room and disable the defenses.

For us to make it out of here,
we're gonna have to travel

- into the belly of the beast.
- Quiet. I've got a safer plan.

What? No, you don't
cut off my badass plan.

- Not even Boimler would...
- Shh. He's gone.

Get over it. Now listen.

There are escape pods right here.

And fewer galleries to go
through means better odds.

We don't need to be
heroes today, people.

We just need to survive.

- I'm with the hunk.
- You don't get a vote.

Uh, actually, I think
I like Jet's plan, too.

Tendi. Okay, Rutherford, what about you?

Yeah, it just sounds less risky?

It's more like what our
training says to do.

Exactly. If we follow our training,

we get out of here alive.

All of us.

[GROANS]

BOIMLER: Ooh, I love
me an undercover op.

You could tell the captain was
bummed to have to stay on the ship.

[CHUCKLES]: Badass like Riker,

you know he'd rather
have boots on the ground.

He must have been so
bored on the Enterprise.

I mean, seven years of what, exploring?

On a ship with five day care centers.

Are you talking about
the D? The flagship?

They went to different dimensions.

They fought the Borg. They insurrected.

They had regular string quartets.

- Wow, what a rush.
- [ALL BUT BOIMLER LAUGHING]

Play me a concerto.

That's dumb.

[GRUNTS]

RANSOM: Uh, Captain? You feeling okay?

Hmm? I'm fine. Why?

This is typically about the
time you'd start asking

for a second or even third status
report from the away team,

but, uh, you haven't
even asked for one yet.

Commander, are you suggesting
that I micromanage?

No, no, no. Not at all. I...

Because that is what Starfleet
Command said in my evaluation.

Can you believe that? Since
when do I micromanage?

I am going to have to "show
more trust in my subordinates."

[EXHALES] Lieutenant Kayshon
is an accomplished officer.

I am sure he's got a handle on things.

- [TENDI GASPS]
- [JET GRUNTS]

- [SCREAMS]
- [RUTHERFORD GRUNTING]

Rutherford, take the puppet.

- [PUPPET SQUEAKS]
- Tendi, target the hinge.

- [JET GRUNTS]
- [ALARM BLARES]

[MARINER SCREAMS, GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS] Inorganic matter compactor!

- Whoa! Whoa!
- Rutherford!

- [SCREAMS]
- Don't let go!

- Hey, what the [BLEEP]?! Little help?
- Not my problem!

[ALL EXHALE]

- RUTHERFORD: Huh?
- TENDI: Whoa.

Hey! Thanks for helping out back there.

You couldn't lend a frickin' tentacle?

- Get your lousy hands off me.
- [TENDI GASPS]

Kahless's sex helmet? You took it!

That's what set off the ship!

This is all your fault, you pervert!

No judgment.

Oh, save it, Orion.

I don't got to answer to nobody but me.

That's how I got on top,
that's how I'm staying on top.

- Don't move.
- [SCOFFS] I'm done listening to youse.

- [ALARM BLARES]
- [GASPS]

Maybe his helmet saved him?

[MARINER GROANS]

Guess we have to go up and over.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Uh, remind me again how
this was the safer option?

There's unknowns to any plan.

If we'd gone your way,

we'd have had to fight
twice as many collectables

and free-climb a radiation coolant pipe.

I'm not afraid of a little risk.

- But what about them?
- [TENDI AND RUTHERFORD GRUNT]

Maybe you've got a death wish,

but you can't ask them
to follow you there.

Oh, don't act like you're
watching out for them.

You're just using them
to prop yourself up.

What are you talking about?

You want everyone to see
you as this big, brave hero

who only cares about the team, but...

- [DRONE BEEPS]
- Oh, God, get out of here.

Stupid vacuum.

[BEEPS]

Uh-oh. I think you triggered
some kind of network response.

Aw, what are they gonna
do, suck us to death?

Ow! [SCREAMS]

They're gonna suck us to death!

[GRUNTING]

There's too many of them!

[PANTING]

[GRUNTING]

We need a barricade.

No, guys, grab a bone.
Just swing on 'em.

- No, help me build.
- Don't listen to him.

- Stand down, Mariner.
- You stand down.

- I told you to stand down.
- Uh...

You stand down.

[WEAPONS f*ring]

We are strong. We take your mine.

It is our mine now.

Stay strong, brother.
We miners shall overcome.

Dude, you're clearly Starfleet.

Your hands are super soft and clean.

Uh, no, I'm a miner
with a heart of gold.

And I have dad issues.

Okay, the Pakleds'
shuttle is unattended.

- Now's our chance.
- Hold it.

We got a 'Led over there.

We have to stun him,

- or he could sound the alarm.
- But our orders are to avoid...

We can't leave anything up to chance.

Oh.

[GRUNTS]

Sorry, pal, but this ain't your lucky...

Huh?

It's a pile of snacks.

Hey! Those miners are
stealing our snacks.

We're blown!

Fall back to that tunnel!

[GRUNTS] There, this
should buy us some time.

I'll try to come up with a plan.

Enough with this whole
textbook leader routine.

We're not buying it.

I'm just trying to step up here.

You're the one with the act.

The whole "dive in headfirst" thing.

You're just desperate to be seen
as some kind of renegade hero.

No, I'm not. Diving in
is just how I work best.

And I like to think things out.

Sorry if that comes off
all "textbook" to you.

What, you think I'm trying
to be like Ransom up in here?

Square jaw, all squinting,
like, "Let's roll"?

[CHUCKLES] Uh, no, not a good look.

I'm just surprised that you'd
ever trash-talk a superior.

[LAUGHS] Are you kidding me?

Don't even get me started on Stevens.

Do you know he keeps a
log about his mustache?

[GRUNTS]

[MARINER GRUNTS]

Gah, this isn't gonna hold much longer!

If I had thought for one second
before I hit that stupid vacuum,

none of this would have happened.

No, it was my call to go this way.

I led us into this mess.

Great. So, then, what, neither
of us should be in charge?

- Oh.
- Ha!

Rutherford, Tendi.

What do you two think we should do?

We two?

I-I don't know, this isn't really my...

Well, actually, these
are Excalbian bones.

With enough friction, they break
down and become acidic.

Which we could use to cut
through the wall paneling

and access the engineering sub-conduits.

And those run the length of the ship.

[CHUCKLES] Honestly, we could've
bypassed all this scary stuff

by using them from the start.

What?! Why didn't you
say something before?

Because you guys were in charge.

- Uh...
- Uh...

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

There. This will buy us
some time, but not much.

- RIKER: Riker to away team.
- Go ahead.

We've entered the system. What
the hell happened down there?

Long story, sir. Requesting
emergency transport.

- Get them out of there.
- I can't, sir.

- Why the hell not?
- There's some sort of distortion field.

It must be interfering
with the transporter.

That Varuvian expl*si*n must
have released an ion cloud.

RIKER: Hang in down there.
We'll figure this out.

- [LOUD POUNDING]
- PAKLED: Get the saw!

We need to hit the door with the saw!

[FIERCE YELLING]

[POUNDING, GRUNTING]

I can't say this is how
I pictured going out,

but I'll tell you what,

there's no other blokes
I'd rather be with.

This is what we signed up for, men:

to boldly go.

Boimler?

Uh...

I'm sorry, I gotta be honest.

I didn't join Starfleet
to get in phaser fights.

I signed up to explore,

to be out in space
making new discoveries

and peaceful diplomatic solutions.

That's boldly going.

And you know what? I'd love
to be in a string quartet.

I love that when Riker
was on the Enterprise,

he was out there jammin' on the trombone

and catching love disease
and acting in plays

and meeting his identical
transporter clone Thomas.

That stuff may not seem as
cool as what you guys do,

but it's Starfleet all the way.

[POUNDING CONTINUES]

PAKLEDS: Ha-ha! Ho-ho-ho!

I got into Starfleet to study moss.

I joined up 'cause I love beaming.

Thanks, Boimler. If we're going out,

at least it's remembering that Starfleet

isn't just about kicking enemy ass.

[CHUCKLES] Can't believe the
captain has a transporter clone.

Yeah, Thomas Riker... he was
created from a distortion field

that was actually a lot like... [GASPS]

- FIRST OFFICER: What are you doing?
- We might not have to die!

- Ah.
- [GASPS]

Ha-ha! Yeah!

[GRUNTS]

Okay, the escape pods
should be down this way,

if that's still the plan.

It is if you say it is, buddy.

Stay alert, stay alive.

- Damn!
- Damn!

RANSOM: Captain, it's okay if you want

- to check in on Lieutenant Kayshon.
- No, no, no, no.

[CHUCKLES]: I can be
a hands-off captain.

I don't mind.

Captain, two escape pods just launched

- from the collector's ship.
- What?! On screen.

What the hell is going on?

The ship tried to collect us, Captain.

Where's Kayshon?

Kayshon, when he became a puppet.

This is what being hands-off gets me?

Well, never again!

[PAKLEDS GRUNTING]

Initiating drill.

Reversing the polarity.

- I got signal lock.
- Get them out of there!

[METALLIC TRILLING]

[FIERCE YELLING]

Whoa, no. No, no, no, no.

[YELLS]

RIKER [OVER RADIO]: Boimler?

- Boimler!
- [GRUNTS] Ah. Huh?

[STRAINS] Oh, God.

[YELLING]

[SCREAMING]

[DISTORTION BREAKS UP SCREAM]

The distortion field's reengaging.

- I'm losing him.
- That's not an option!

Rerouting main power. Initiating
second containment beam.

[METALLIC TRILLING]

[CHEERING, WHOOPING]

Well done, Mr. Boimler.

Thank you, Riker... I mean, Mr. Captain.

Get him to sickbay, have
the doc check him out.

Riker to bridge. Give me
warp in the factor of five,

- six, seven...
- FIRST OFFICER: Captain,

shuttle craft incoming
from the planet, it's...

- ours.
- What? That's not possible.

We all beamed off.

CONN OFFICER:
Shuttle pilot's in distress.

- Requesting transport.
- Could be a Pakled trap.

Energize.

[METALLIC TRILLING]

- Mr. Boimler?
- You guys made it!

Oh! The Pakleds got stuck
in the door, so I...

Aw, man. A copy of me
got transported out?

Boo.

I'm the transporter clone? Boo.

The distortion field must've...

Oh. I've heard this tune before.

Let's hear it for the Boimlers!

- [CHEERING]
- Yeah!

[LAUGHING, WHOOPING]

Meeting your exact copy is never easy.

Believe me, I know.

Mr. Boimlers, you showed great
bravery and ingenuity down there.

- BOTH: Thank you, sir.
- I just wish I could keep both of you.

Starfleet Command feels our
missions are too complex

to have the added complication
of two identical crew members.

I'm afraid one of you will have
to return to the Cerritos...

as an ensign.

I should be the one to go.

- Huh?
- All right, works for me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I thought
we were both gonna step forward,

and then, like, you'd go, "Oh,
I should be the one to go."

Nah. I'm good to stay.

But what was that nod?

I don't know, I just thought
we were doing a copy thing.

But thanks, man,
that's really big of you.

Hey, I wish I could be on
a ship that's exploring

and solving science mysteries
instead of nonstop fighting.

- Like on the D?
- Exactly.

Damn, do I miss that ship.

- Enjoy it while you have it, Bradward.
- I will, sir.

BOIMLER: Hey, Cap,

the name Brad just feels
kind of "meh" to me now.

What do you think of "William" Boimler?

I love it! Hey, you like Romulan ale?

Ah, I can learn.

Computer, play "Nightbird."

FIRST OFFICER: Hey, Enterprise.

- You did good.
- Go boldly out there, mate.

You think we'll ever see him again?

I do.

'Cause, like, his clone's here.
We'll see him every day.

- Whoa!
- Oh, yeah.

♪

T'ANA: This isn't my first
"guy got turned into a doll."

He'll be back to normal in an hour.

- _
- Aw. Look at this little guy.

I could use him as puppet therapy.

- Hey! Migleemo!
- Yeah?

Read the sign!

[SLURPING]

Whoa! Did you get double promoted?

Congrats!

Huh? What do you mean?

- You got a whole new pip right there.
- Nah, just a piece of corn.

That's always happening.

Half the time when you see someone

with the wrong amount
of pips around here,

it's usually just delicious street corn.

- Want some?
- Sure.

I had you wrong, Jet.

I thought you were another
one of those try-hards

who only wants to rank up.

But you love the job,
and I respect that.

Thanks, Mariner. It's the
best job in the galaxy.

You're a true Lower Decker, man.

And something tells me we're
gonna make a great team...

Oh, my God, it's Boimler!
It's my friend!

- What are you doing here!?
- You're supposed to be on the Titan!

I got transporter cloned.

- Ha-ha! Pay up.
- Damn it!

How did you possibly guess that?

Oh, I don't know, it just seemed
like a Boimler thing to happen.

Clone me's staying on
the Titan, so here I am.

Wow. If you think you can leave us

for the big time only
to come crawling back,

you would be right about that!

Get over here, man. Sit down!

Oh, there's no room for me to, um...

- Oh. I'll let you all catch up.
- Ha-ha-ha!

I know you got, like, a shared history

- and stuff...
- Oh, man, so much to tell you.

We just did a mission
on a collector's ship.

Ooh! And our away team
leader got zapped by a ray

and it turned him into a puppet!

What?!

So, was the Titan as
awesome as everybody says?

Eh, it was a bunch of complex characters

thrown into heavily serialized battles

which always ended in
mind-blowing twists

and made me question the
basic tenets of my reality.

But who cares about that?

Tell me more about this puppet ray.

That's the kind of stuff I live for.

Time for sh*ts!

All right! sh*ts! sh*ts!

- Whoa!
- Yeah, go get 'em.

You have a lot of work
to do for abandoning me.

You're not letting that go, huh?

- Nope.
- Yeah, so hurry up, huh?

- Drinks don't replicate themselves.
- Okay, okay, I'm going.

From now on, you'll get all
the drinks, you backstabber.

- [CHANTING]: Lower Decks! Lower Decks!
- RUTHERFORD AND TENDI: Ha-ha!

- Lower Decks!
- [OTHERS CONTINUE CHANTING]

Are you tired? Because
you've been Arnock,

at the race of Natara
through my mind all night.

Well, Shaka, when the walls fell.

[MAN IMITATES WEAPONS f*ring]

Chirp.