01x04 - Fatal Distraction

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low on my chair, she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

Excuse me? Please, please, do not apologize for existing. How may I serve you?

Isn't this Zack Morris' locker?

That is true. While I am in your country, we are sharing.

Do you know where Zack is?

Yes I do. His body went that way, but his soul is in the gymnasium.

Thank you!

Things are not always as they seem.

It's me, Zack! Why the disguise?

Lots of girls want to ask me to the dance, but I don't want to say yes or no until I know if Kelly's going to ask me.

Simple.

Kelly. Hi, Zack.

So Kell, big dance Friday night, huh?

I haven't asked anyone yet, Zack.

Really? Well I just want you to know I'm keeping my calendar clear, if you know what I mean.

I know what you mean -- you want me to ask you.

You could do worse. She could do better.

A lot better.

You don't think she'd consider going out with you?

Only if she wants to have a great time.

In your dreams, Slater. In your face, "Preppie."

You're looking at her date.

Hmm, tough decision.

So many boys, so little time.

If I were you, Morris, I'd find someone else.

Hey Zack! "Zackie"!

Go get her, Zackie!

Hey, what's the rush, "button nose"?

Slater, help me, come on.

Give me a second.

All right. Look, I've got nothing against Rhonda Robistelli.

But I do have this policy against dating anyone who holds the school sh*t-put record.

All right, I kept my part of the bargain.

Here's your "Seventeen," "Glamour," and "Cosmo."

What's this?

How'd the "Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue" get in here?

I have my needs too.

Never mind.

Who's Kelly going to take to the dance?

Well, according to my research, Gina, Alex, and Rebecca think Kelly's asking Slater.

What do they know?

Connie, Didi and Raylene think she's leaning to you.

Smart girls.

Sue Ann thinks Kelly's going to ask Rodney Carter... if his face clears up.

Well, remind me to buy Rodney a candy bar.

Is that it Lisa?

Not all of it. I seem to be losing my memory.

All right, I'll do your history homework.

From you that's not a gift, that's a thr*at.

Come on. You had to find out more than that.

Maybe.

All right, all right. I'll sweeten up the deal.

I'll give you my tickets to the Bon Jovi concert.

Bon Jovi? You got it!

Okay, now what's the scoop? Kelly is definitely taking you...

Thanks, Lisa. ...or Slater.

That's it? Yeah.

Well Bon Jovi, bon voyage.

So Slater, you got a date for the dance yet?

Hey, I've been turning them down left and right.

Yeah, me too. I turned down six girls.

That's nothing. I've turned down seven... and a teacher.

You guys are so disgusting.

If either of you had an ounce of integrity, you'd go with the first girl that asked you.

And miss the excitement of the hunt?

Please, I'm eating here.

Hi. Kelly says she can make it to your slumber party tomorrow night.

Great. Hey, I'll be there... with my nightie, pimple cream and curlers.

No way, José. Hey, it was worth a sh*t.

Hey, isn't a slumber party where you girls spill your guts about everything?

Why? I'm sure Kelly will say who she's going to take to the dance, then you can tell us.

Not if Kelly doesn't want us too.

That would be invading someone's privacy, Zack.

I could live with that.

Why couldn't you live with a foreign family?

Hey Zack, a young lady asked me to give this to you.

Oooh!

Oh, I almost forgot, there's a message too --

"Dear Zack, my heart jumps for you."

She loves you, kid. Who?

Hey, Zackie! We've got to talk, hunk of mine.

That boy has got one cute behind.

Zack are you sure we should be bugging Jessie's bedroom?

We could get arrested, thrown in jail, lose our library cards!

Screech, this is the only chance you'll ever have to find out Lisa's innermost thoughts about you.

What are we standing around for?

Hey, make sure you hide that well.

I'll place the wire under this rug.

You've got to admit this about us, Screech...

I'm good.

Done, Zack.

Now I just have to make sure the wire's secure.

You're an electronics genius, "Screecher."

Be there in a minute, Mom.

She's home! Hide! Aa-ah!

Can you believe that Tony Kramer tried to make out with me in the middle of "Working Girl"?

What's wrong with that?

I didn't go with him. I went with Billy Bostwick.

Tony was sitting right behind us and what a jerk -- he left his retainer in my hair!

Boys can be so dumb sometimes.

Yeah, but they can be so cute, too.

Zack, she said we're cute!

I know, this is great.

Hey, now we have to listen for hidden meanings.

Pass the pepperoni.

Lisa wants you.

She does, doesn't she?

I can just picture them now.

You're so lucky you found your Prince Charming, Lisa.

Yeah, next to Screech, River Phoenix is a drip.

I'm so jealous. May I have a lock of his hair?

Why?

I want to grow my own Screech in a jar.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

Screech is everything a girl could want.

He's strong, yet sensitive.

Funny, but not silly.

And he makes me tingle all over.

Yeah.

Zack, I make her tinkle.

You know what? Quiet, listen.

Sometimes I wonder why God ever invented boys.

To give us something to talk about at slumber parties.

Do you guys think I should cut my hair?

Who cares about your hair? Get back to boys.

I like it longer. Well Jason wants me to cut it.

Jason touches her hair, he's a dead man.

Lisa, you would really cut your hair if some boy wanted you to?

Well, maybe.

If he was someone special, who had the qualities of let's say, Michael Jackson.

Oooh!

Gentle, talented, gorgeous, and light on his feet.

Hey, if that ain't you, I don't know who it is.

What about you, Kelly? Who's your dream guy?

Here we go, here we go!

You know who really is a hunk?

Who? Dennis Quaid!

That wuss?

We know you're not taking Dennis Quaid to the dance...

So who are you going with? Slater or Zack?

Yes, yes! The moment of truth.

Well, there's something mysterious about AC Slater.

But Zack Morris is kind of cute in a playful way.

If I had to make my decision right now, I'd pick Zack.

Yes!

What was that?

Go Lakers! Did you see that sh*t?

What sh*t?

That was Zack. Well, what's he doing?

That's weird, the Lakers aren't playing tonight.

I don't believe this you guys. We've been bugged.

What's wrong, Screech?

I don't know. Maybe the Lakers game interfered with it.

There is no Lakers game, you idiot.

Oh yeah? Then what were you screaming at, you bonehead?

Just fix it. It was just starting to get good.

Of all the lowest, underhanded things... this is unreal.

To think a guy would go through all this trouble, just to find out what a girl thinks of him.

It's so romantic.

No, it's so illegal. Zack's violating our privacy.

Look, guys, it's just a stupid prank.

Let's not get angry. Let's get even.

What do you mean?

I've got an idea to get Zack back. But I'm going to need your help.

Okay, everybody ready?

Would you pass the cola?

Zack, it's working!

Okay, okay, I've got a game.

Every girl has to tell her deepest, darkest secret -- something she's never told anyone before.

All right! We got it back just in time for the juicy stuff.

Okay, I'll go first.

It was in the mall.

I once stole... a tube of lipstick.

Whoa!

Boring! How about you Kelly?

Well, mine's more serious than that.

You see, whenever I like a boy, for some strange reason, I end up hurting him.

You mean, you break up with him right?

No, I mean, I hurt him.

Oooh. This is creepy.

You see, first I get this terrible headache, then something happens, and I snap.

You poor thing.

Zack, she sounds weird.

Quiet, I have to listen to this.

I black out, then wake up... the police are there... and that poor boy.

The poor boy? The poor boy what?

Zack, Kelly's dangerous.

Oh come on, Screech. She's a girl.

Zack, I'm worried.

Girls can be brutal.

You ever see "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling"?

Come on, you don't think she's going to hurt me?

Do you?

Oh, my God.

I'm not like other boys.

You're not like anything on this planet, you dork!

I'd like you to share your life with me.

Screech, b*at it, or I'll give you that high voice permanently.

Excuse me, "Michael," but we have a dress code at this school.

My office. Now. Mr. Belding, it's me Screech!

Jessie, wait a second. I've got to talk to you.

Talk fast, Zack. You don't-- I mean, I don't have much time.

I tried to call you all weekend and you're never home.

I know. I had to spend a lot of time with Kelly.

She really needed me.

She needed you? Something wrong with Kelly?

I really shouldn't be talking about this. I've got to go.

Jessie, what are you trying to tell me?

Look, Zack, I really care for you.

Well, I just don't want to see you get... hurt.

You mean emotionally hurt?

No, "Mike Tyson" hurt.

What are you trying to tell me?

Look, we've been friends all our lives and I just don't want to see anything happen to you.

Goodbye, Zack.

"Goodbye"? Look, what is going on here?

Wow, what happened to you?

Hey, I don't want to talk about it.

What? Were you in an accident?

Fall down a flight of stairs? Well then, what?

You swear you won't tell anybody?

Yeah, sure.

Well, Kelly b*at me up.

She b*at you up?

But you're on the wrestling team. Yeah, I know.

It's humiliating, Zack.

You know, I should have been able to take her.

Then what happened?

Kelly asked me over last night. And it was going great for a while.

But then she got this terrible headache, and then she turned on me.

Well, what'd she do? I don't remember.

The next thing I knew I woke up and I was in some emergency room.

I'm telling you, Zack. Please be careful.

She told me she likes you more than me.

"Harris... Jennings..."

Bingo! "Kapowski."

I've got to find out the truth about Kelly.

That's why I'm looking through the principal's files.

Medical history -- measles, mumps...

Oh no -- six months in the Riverside Home for the Criminally Insane?

It's true. She really is dangerous.

Kelly wants to k*ll me.

Mr. Belding!

Morris, what are you doing in my office?

Mr. Belding, thank goodness you're here.

I need your help. My life is being threatened by one of your students.

Just one? You're losing your touch.

Mr. Belding, this is serious.

Okay, okay, who is it? Terrible Tommy Tanner, or Norman "No Neck" Nunzio?

Neither. Kelly "The k*ller" Kapowski.

Kelly Kapowski? Excuse me for a moment.

(laughing)

What's she going to do, spike you to death with a volleyball?

Look, this isn't funny.

It's like "Fatal Attraction" -- she loves me and I'm dead meat.

Zack, maybe you're making too much out of this.

When you're a ladies' man, you're going to make girls mad sometimes.

You cannot please them all.

Look, you don't understand. Kelly gets these headaches and --

They all get headaches, Morris.

Mr. Belding, please help me!

Relax, Zack. I know where you're coming from.

Hey, I was also a big ladies' man.

Sometimes they're going to act a little out of sorts.

You just chalk it up to hormones.

You think that's all it is, sir?

I'm positive. Hey, I've been around.

You've got nothing to worry about.

Unless of course she's that one rare wacko who's been in an institution or something.

Tonight's assignment will be chapter six:

"The Colon: Your Friend for Life."

My dearest Zack, you can run but you can't hide.

Sorry, Zack. Clumsy me.

Will someone please call 911?

I finally have you all to myself.

Uh, what are you going to do with me?

And... what's the bat for?

Softball practice, silly.

Sure, is that what you told Slater?

I want you, Zack.

Not just for the dance, but forever.

Forever is such a long time.

But it can be a very short time, too.

Don't fight it, Zack. You know you like me.

Sure I do, but... I also like cheeseburgers, and I like the Lakers, I like life. I love life.

Kiss me, Zack, and change both of our lives forever.

Aa-ah! What, what?

I've got one of those headaches again.

Me too. I'll go get the aspirin.

Come back, Zack, please. What about the dance?

I already have a date. With who?

Is this a blast, or what?

Rhonda, that's our 53rd dance. Can I please take a break?

Sure, take five. I'll go wash my face and... floss for later.

Haven't you had enough? I like living on the edge.

Having fun with Rhonda, Zackie?

I should have let you k*ll me when you had the chance.

I'm totally harmless, Zack.

I want to return something that belongs to you.

You mean you know we were listening?

Oh, I have something for you too, Zack.

A copy of Kelly's diploma from the Home for the Criminally Insane.

Wait a minute. You planted this in Belding's files?

We both did. We flirted with danger and we won.

I knew you'd break into the files to check on Kelly.

I know how your sick mind works.

I can't believe this.

Hey, I've got another surprise for you, Zackie.

You can use this to fight off Rhonda.

You guys were all in on this?

I just have to know one thing, Kelly.

You were going to go to the dance with me, right?

Guess you'll never know. Come on, Slater. Let's go dance.

Don't fade on me now, Zackie, I got big plans for us.

Big plans? Yeah.

Mom's visiting Dad in the slammer and we got the house all to ourselves.

Sorry, Rhonda, I have a curfew.

I have to be home in 10 minutes.

That's all right. Ow!

How about a goodnight kiss?

I have very strict rules about that. I don't kiss on the first date.

Lucky for us...

I do.

(instrumental theme music plays)