01x05 - Screech's Woman

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low on my chair, she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

Slater, we are a great team.

We are not only going to get an "A" on this project, but we are also going to win that science medal.

Hey, and all we have to do now is just pick a name for the volcano.

Oh, if you don't mind, I was thinking of Mount Saint Jessie.

Uh, how about, Slater's Crater?

All right, I'll compromise. We'll call it Jessie's Crater.

Come on, let's see how she works.

No, no, come on. You've got to pour in more. Let me do it.

Be careful! Don't pour in too mu--

How do you get this thing to stop?

I don't know. I was absent that day. Come on.

I told you not to pour so much in.

Do you know how hard it is to get lava stains out of your clothes?

You see that?

In four days, my science project is due.

If I don't get an "A," I'll be doing hard time in summer school.

Screech! What are you doing with our project?

You're supposed to be home working on it.

I needed a break. Hey, you know our arrangement, you do the work, I take the breaks.

Well, aren't you going to do any work at all, Zack?

Well, no. If I worked on it, you'd just have to do it over again.

I'm saving you time, and that's the thanks I get.

I'm sorry. Thanks, Zack.

What is that thing? It's our science project.

It's an electro-magnetic aerial hymenoptera detector.

What's it do? Zack: What's it do?

What's it do, Screech?

Well, right now, all it does is make my canary fly into the wall.

But once it's finished, it'll be an early warning system.

For what? Enemy canaries.

Look, guys. There she is.

My dream girl.

Screech, if you really like Lisa, go for it.

Let her know how you feel.

You really think so? Absolutely. Don't give up.

Give love a chance. Oh, I agree.

Why don't we go to the drive-in and give it a chance?

Well, I'm afraid I'll fall off your bicycle.

I'm making my move.

Don't do it. Screech, love and science don't mix.

Did you ever see Einstein with a chick?

No, Zack. Kelly's right.

This is my one moment in time.

(soft romantic music plays)

I guess I caught her at a bad time.

Well, don't give up. He's really not her type.

They must be serious. He's chewing her gum now.

I don't understand. Why don't girls like me?

Oh!

I have some theories.

Me too. I'm snake spit.

Hey, Screech, would you turn on the machine?

Turn it on yourself.

Hey, would you forget about Lisa?

Look, I'm positive I can find another girl who'll like you.

You really mean it? Yeah, absolutely.

Before you even approach a girl, you gotta act like you believe in yourself.

Let me see that. Come on.

That's it?

I don't have much to believe in, Zack.

You gotta practice being cool.

What you need is a great opening line, something to grab her attention.

How about, "Hello"?

If you say hello, you'll hear "Goodbye."

It's better than what I usually get.

What I mean is, "Hey, how much did the other contestants pay you to drop out of the Miss Universe contest?"

Wow, is that what really goes on?

No, you idiot! I'm just showing you what to do.

Hey, there's Sally Dunsky. Go for it.

It's like sh**ting fish in a barrel.

Are you looking for something?

No babe, I found it.

Are you all right?

Hup! I learned that trick from the Chinese acrobats.

Your opening line!

Say something cool.

Did you know that worms are a source of protein?

Why don't you go eat some?

The Miss Universe line.

What I meant to say was, "How much did you have to pay the contestants to get into the Miss Universe contest?"

Get lost, creep.

How about lunch? How about death?

Screech.

Aw, Screech, come out.

Believe me, it's not the end of the world.

Ha!

Come on, talk to me, Screech.

Why can't I meet someone who will give me a chance?

Someone who will ignore my stupid hair and my different-colored socks and see the real me.

Well, that is the real you. Yeah.

I'm hummingbird droppings.

Hey, you know, I just thought of someone who might like you.

Who? Who?

Take a few laps around the gym and let me work on it.

Sure thing, Zack.

Hey, Jessie, can I talk to you for a minute? I have a problem.

I know that Zack, but we've all learned to live with it.

No, no. I'm serious. See, I have this friend.

And girls don't like him because he looks different.

That's so unfair. It shouldn't matter what a person looks like.

Look at "Beauty and the Beast." He is a wonderful person inside.

So is my friend.

He even smells better than the Beast.

He just needs someone to give him a chance.

I'll give him a chance. Well, good!

If you like him, maybe you two can start dating?

Maybe. Who is he? Screech.

Screech? Are you crazy?

Me go out with Screech? Ugh!

Is that a yes or a no?

Zack, I ran as fast as I could.

Did you talk to the girl? When can I meet her?

Meet her? Gee, Screech, I don't know.

Well, if I can't meet her, I'll call her.

Well, actually, maybe it would be better if she called you.

Yeah, yeah, that would work. As a matter of fact, she did say she'd call you. 3:30 at the payphone.

Zack, I owe you my life!

I'd rather have the science project.

You got it. All right! Woo!

Now all I have to do is find a girl for Screech.

Well, babe, let's be reasonable. I can't come for lunch.

What do you mean, if I loved you I'd find a way?

You're in Italy.

Can you please hurry?

Hey this phone is occupato, paisan.

I need that phone, and I'm prepared to take it by force if necessary.

Angela, yeah, I have to go.

My life is being threatened by a bully.

Arrivederci.

Hey, look, Screech, what's so important about this phone call?

I'm expecting a call. It's from a girl.

You've got a woman calling you?

On purpose?

Yeah, I get around.

Ah, who am I kidding? I'm scared to death.

I don't know what to do. Well, be yourself.

I can't, I want to impress her.

Don't try to impress anybody.

Be proud of what you are, whatever that is.

Look, she's probably more nervous than you are.

You really think so?

When that phone rings, be strong.

Thanks, Slater.

(phone rings)

Hello?

This is Screech.

Is this Zack's friend?

What's that? You've seen me around?

And you like me? Please hold.

What's your name?

(high voice) My name is, uh...

Bambi.

Look, I know this is kind of sudden, but I have to tell you the way I feel.

You know, I've been watching you for a long time.

You're really cute.

Belding: That may be so, but this is neither the time nor the place to share those feelings.

Young lady, the mens room is one of the few doors education should not open for you.

Now don't misunderstand, I am flattered that you think so highly of me.

But Bambi, it's not really love you feel for me, it's hero worship.

Rock stars, ball players, principals -- heck, we excite people.

Bambi?

Are you there, Bambi?

Hey, I think she ran back into the forest with Thumper.

Belding: Who is that?

Hey, it's Slater, Mr. Belding.

(toilet flushing)

What have you done with Bambi?

Who's Bambi? Well, she's a girl, and she was just in here with me.

Oh, really?

Well, not actually in here with me.

(laughing)

There's a really good explanation for this and I wish I could find it.

Hey... it's all right, Mr. Belding.

Why don't we just keep this between the three of us?

Good idea. Thank you.

Just thank me at report card time.

I am never going to the bathroom again.

Good morning, world.

Hey, Zack. I talked to Bambi again last night.

I know. I mean, how'd it go?

She makes me feel like a young buck.

Who's Bambi? She's a girl Zack found for me.

You found a girl for Screech? I'm so relieved.

I mean, I'm so happy.

Hi, guys.

I'm taken, Lisa. Eat your heart out.

Wow, you must really like this Bambi.

Oh, Jessie, you've got to meet her.

Wait a minute. I've got to meet her.

You haven't met her yet? You don't understand.

He can't meet her. Why can't he meet her?

Yeah, why can't he meet her?

Well, because, uh... because... she's not what you think.

She's having an identity crisis.

Oh.

Way to go, Zack.

Anyone who thinks what I did to Screech was mean, raise your hand.

Ah, come on. He'll be over Bambi in a few hours.

Hey everybody, come quick. You've got to see this.

Screech, what are you doing?

Demonstrating my love for Bambi.

Come on, Screech. Stop fooling around.

I'm not fooling around. Oh, my gosh.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do science projects.

I'm not leaving this locker till I meet Bambi, Zack.

I couldn't help it, Mr. Belding. I'm in love.

Screech, I'm fully aware that people your age form rather intense attachments.

But they usually wear a locket, not a locker.

Jenny, have we heard anything from maintenance?

Jenny: No.

Please call them again and tell them I'm still waiting for them.

Jenny: Who is this?

Thank you.

Listen, Screech, I sympathize with you, but there's really nothing I can do.

There's something Zack can do.

He knows Bambi personally.

Bambi? Is this the Bambi?

Is that who we're talking about? You know her?

Well, I've sat and talked with her recently.

Leave this to me.

Zack Morris, I need you.

You called? Yes, I did.

Unfortunately, only you can help this boy.

Please have Bambi at The Max at 4:00 to meet with him.

That's beyond impossible.

Zack, let's talk man to man, "mano y mano."

Now, officially I cannot order you to do this, but if Bambi's not there, well, this could be your most miserable semester yet.

Screech: Uh, Mr. Belding? Mm-hmm.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Jenny, get maintenance up here right now. Code blue!

Jenny: Who is this?

(knocking) Come in.

I got here as fast as I could. Thanks Lisa, I won't forget this.

Neither will I.

What's she doing here?

I had to go pick up my color wheel at Jessie's.

And Jessie said, "Why?" I said, "Zack needs it."

Jessie said, "Why?" So I told her about Screech and Jessie said--

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Great. Let's just get on with it.

Yeah, we don't have much time.

Here, Bambi.

Oh, ha ha. You think this is fun for me?

You think I want to dress up like a girl?

Well, this is repulsive, disgusting, revolting-- can I see something in a blue?

Yeah, you're right. This might be a little forward for a first date.

This is a first date, right?

Well, I better get started on his nails.

Oh, now wait a second.

Here, make yourself useful.

I don't need to shave.

Your legs.

Excuse me sir, but a Mr. Screech has reserved that table.

It's me, Max. Screech!

You look great. I didn't recognize you.

I'm meeting a girl in here.

Are those for your date?

They're almost dead, but that's all they had left at the market.

Well, she might like these better.

Thanks, Max, but isn't there a little something missing?

Well, they're late bloomers.

Thanks.

I am getting front row seats for this.

I prefer the balcony. Enjoy the show.

You too.

I want you to know that I'm taking the names of everyone who's laughing.

Hi there. Who are you?

Your worst nightmare, pal.

Screech? Bambi?

Oh boy! I mean, sit down.

My, it's a lot brighter in here than I thought it'd be.

Good, then everyone'll see you.

Dream come true.

Gosh, you're pretty.

And you have the most feminine little hands.

Do not. Do too.

Do not! Do too.

Would you like to meet some of my friends?

No. No. Oh, come on.

Slater, meet my date. This is Bambi.

Oh, so you're the famous Bambi, huh?

I've heard all about you from Mr. Belding.

Oh, Richard and I are just good friends.

Hey, there's Kelly. Come on.

Whoa.

This little guy has good taste.

Fresh.

Morris?

Nice legs.

Bambi, this is Kelly.

Nice to meet you. Don't I know you from somewhere?

I don't know. Were you ever a Brownie?

Yes, I was. What troop were you in?

Um... F-Troop.

Nice one.

Slater, please, I beg you.

Don't worry, your secret's safe with me, sweetheart.

Hey, Screech, Lisa's just doing that to make you jealous.

Now, if you kissed Bambi, hey, that would show her.

Um... um... all right, but on one condition.

If we kiss, we become an item. I can live with that.

Hey Kelly, why don't we leave these two lovebirds alone?

Hey, if it doesn't work out with you and Screech, call me.

Now Screech, if we're going to date, you've got to follow my rules.

Rules? What rules?

My rules of livin' and lovin'.

You must follow them explicitly.

What are they? Rule number one:

Straighten your hair and dye it blond.

Consider me Billy Idol.

Well then, uh, rule number two:

I'm allergic to all types of animals.

Done. I'll shave my birds.

All right. Here's number three, the most important:

I'm very possessive, and I must have you all to myself.

Get rid of your friend Zack Morris.

That's all? (low voice) That's all?

I mean, what?

Well, Zack is awfully cocky.

He's always taking advantage of me, and sometimes I think he underestimates my intelligence.

But he is my friend and I'm sorry, but I won't trade him for anything else in the world. Not even you, Bambi.

You mean, you're dumping me?

I hope I haven't hurt you.

I hope I haven't hurt you.

No, actually you've helped me. You've made me realize there are a million fish in the sea and I'm just the worm to attract them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a science project that needs finishing.

Well, you better hurry it if it's due Friday.

You know, I watched what you did here today for Screech, it was really nice. Sick, but nice.

Come on, you know I did it because I wanted him to finish the project.

Well, maybe. But you also did it 'cause you're his friend too.

You know, actually I had a good time.

It was better than most first dates.

I'm going to the girls room. You want to come?

Oh, why not? Sounds like fun.

Freeze!

(instrumental theme music plays)