05x03 - Family Business

[bunniefuu]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[Carly Rae Jepsen]
♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy
The evening TV ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart
A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face
Somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there ♪

♪ And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Well, I'm off to give the keynote speech
at the vet conference.

It's gonna be funny and informative.

And an opportunity
to show off my new blouse.

Ooh, what's your big speech about?

Feline fecal impaction
and what your litter box is telling you.

Oh, yeah, I'm laughing already.

- Hey, Jimmy comes home today, right?
- Yeah, but the magazine

has another out-of-town assignment
lined up for him.

Oh, that's great. He's working.

I mean... how dare they employ him?

Wait. Which team am I rooting for?

I don't know. It's-It's just hitting me.

Jimmy's always off on the road,

and Dani and I are at home
waiting for him.

Sometimes I just feel like
I'm doing this all alone.

Well, you're not. I'm always here for you.

Just not today
between the hours of 10:00 and 5:00.

I appreciate that, Deej. I just
really miss Jimmy when he's not home.

Well, Fernando's always home.

I'm really starting
to get worried about him.

Now that the Formula One season
has started, and he's officially retired,

he's lost that spark
that makes him Fernando.

Now he just mopes around in his bathrobe.

Which is weird
'cause he doesn't own a bathrobe.

Well, major life changes are tough,

but I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.

[groans]

Okay, maybe it is as bad as you think.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh
Hey, hey, hey ♪

- What you looking at?
- Aah!

Uh... smart-people stuff.
You wouldn't like it.

Really? 'Cause that looks like
Ethan's Instagram.

What? How did he get on there?

Are you stalking your Postmates guy?

I was just, um, mildly curious
to see what he's into

when he's not driving chimichangas
around the Bay Area.

How far back did you scroll?

Oh, not that far.
Just back to when Instagram was invented.

Hey, I had the same Justin Bieber haircut.

Oh, no. What did you just do?

What? I was just trying to make it bigger.

You just liked a post from ten years ago.

Now Ethan's gonna know
I went deep diving into his feed.

Not to mention he was shirtless
and kissing his grandmother.

He's gonna think
I'm some creepy stalker now.

All because of your pudgy little fingers.

Hey, don't finger-shame me.
My fingers retain water.

Hey, handsome.

Oh. Hi, Mom.

Oh, sorry, honey.
I was talking about Steve.

But you're handsome, too.

Nice try, Mom.

Hi.

Wow. What's got you in such a good mood?

How can I not be in a good mood
looking at your beautiful face?

Oh, right back at you, Steve.

Still not you, Jackson.

Good news. I got the rest of the day off.

I could come to that veterinary conference
and hear you talk about cat butts.

Oh. Yeah, that's okay.
You can skip this one.

Thank goodness. I was gonna
fake a spine injury to get out of it.

Hey, how many times have I
had to listen to your toe-fungus talk?

But you know what?
There is something that I need you to do.

Fernando's been a little down,

and-and some time with a close friend
would mean a lot to him.

I'd be happy to call
one of his close friends.

No, I was talking about you,

because he's always saying that he wishes
he could spend more time with you.

Really?

No. I can't lie.

Look, Fernando is really down,
and Kimmy's worried about him.

Got it. You want me to keep him
in my thoughts and prayers.

Yes, and take him
to Uncle Monty's for a sandwich.

You know, just cheer him up.
Oh, and take Jimmy, too.

Wait. What? Why? Jimmy?

- When did he get thrown in the mix?
- They're both at a career crossroads,

and you're so good
at finding work-life balance.

Maybe you could give 'em some advice.

How many people do I have to help?

Or you could listen to my cat-butt speech.

Oh. My spine.

Okay, fine. Monty's it is.

Morning, Mother
and Mother's gentleman caller.

I prefer dashing paramour, but thank you.

Do you have, like, a job interview
for Goldman Sachs or something?

No. This is my beach bag.

I have specific SPFs
for different parts of the body.

My left leg's a 30
and my right's a 40.

Don't ask me why.

Max is jumping off the high-diving board
at day camp today.

Taylor did it last year,
and he's been insufferable ever since.

Which is supposed to be my thing.

Man, I used to love the high dive,
but, um, just a tip...

double knot the little string
on your bathing suit, okay,

because jumping from
such a great height

has been known to separate a gentleman
from his trunks.

I've heard.

The entire school heard.

And saw. Even the lunch lady
asked him to prom.

I don't know why she were the hairnet,
but she was a delightful dancer.

♪ Ooh, la la la ♪

♪ Ooh, la la ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

Look who's home.

Honey, you're home. Hi.

Oh. How are my girls?

Both very happy to see you,
although one of us is a little gassy.

I'm not gonna say who,
but don't hug me too hard.

Oh.

- [Dani cries]
- Aw.

Aw. Hey, Dani girl.

Oh, I love saying that.

Oh. You are getting so big.

Have you declared a major yet?

Oh. And it better not be Communications,

'cause we are not sending you to school
for four years to watch commercials.

[Steph chuckles]

Dani is growing up so fast.

I just wish you were here to see it.

I know. I wish I was, too,
but I'm a freelance photographer.

- I have to travel.
- I know. I know.

I... just thought when we decided
that we were gonna do this together,

I assumed that we would do this together
as equal partners.

So you want me to quit my job?

Are you insane? Do you know how much
we spend on diapers alone?

So you want me to keep my job?

And miss all the baby's milestones?

Okay, okay. So let me get this straight.

You want me home
so that I don't miss anything.

But I need to keep my job
so that I can help support us.

The only way to do that is to be on
the road, which means I miss everything.

Perfect.

So glad we cleared this up. Heh heh.

♪ Ooh, la la la la ♪

Our young champion

prepares for his first leap
from the high board.

Holy vertigo. That's a long way down.

I could've been making lanyards,
but, no, I had to be a big sh*t.

Don't be nervous, Deej.
You're gonna do great.

How do you know?
There are a lot of people here.

I'm even thinking of cutting
my opening joke.

There was an opening joke?

Oh, I'm definitely cutting it.

How's everything going at Uncle Monty's?

Well, I thought we'd order sandwiches
before I start fixing everybody's life.

People tend to be more amenable
to folks interfering with their problems

when they got a belly full of meat.

Sounds like you're on a good track.
Now go fix your lunch partner,

because Kimmy and Steph's happiness
depends on it.

But no pressure.

Esteban.

Jaime.

I am profoundly touched
that you would dine with me

during my post-retirement malaise.

Yeah, thanks for letting me
tag along, guys.

Steph really gave me
a lot to think about,

and always done my best thinking
at Uncle Monty's.

It's where I came up with the idea
for Ugg boots.

You invented Ugg boots?

Yeah, but never really
did anything with it.

I just thought, "Wouldn't it be great
to have some really comfortable boots,

soft and warm?"

"Ugg."

Oh, here comes Uncle Monty
with a sandwich

as my mouth is abuzz with anticipation.

I got a capicola
for the frowny guy in sweatpants.

And you were the 50-50.

Half-crab, half-crab salad.

Little something I like to call
a Crab and a Half.

You call it that
'cause that's its name on the menu.

And here's your number six...
Eggplant Parm. Enjoy.

Excuse me, Mr. Uncle Monty, sir.
I ordered a meatball with provolone.

You've been eating the same sandwich here
since you were a kid.

Try the eggplant. Shake things up.

I should shake things up.

I don't want to miss everything
in Dani's childhood,

but photography's always been my passion.

I too had a passion.

Here we go.

But I gave up racing
to spend more time with my family.

Luckily, I have one remaining passion...

Uncle Monty's sandwiches.

If not for these, my life would be
completely without meaning.

You have a wife and a daughter, right?

- This eggplant is delicious.
- Glad you like it.

It's the last one you're gonna get.
I'm closing down the end of the week.

- What?
- No!

You can't close this place down.
It's an institution.

It's like my home away from home.

It's where everyone knows your name,
but their mouths are too full to say it.

Look, the missus says it's too cold,
so I bought her an electric blanket,

and she bought a condo in Florida,
so we're moving to Florida.

This cannot be. These sandwiches
were the small flickering flame

which gave my life meaning.

Again, a wife, a daughter.

Nothing?

♪ Ooh ♪

Mm, good job, Tommy.

Purple sky.

Yeah, that is a purple sky.

You know, it's funny.

That reminds me of this Grateful Dead show
that I went to at the Cow Palace. I was...

You know, never mind. Ahem.

It is nap time. Yeah.

I'll take him. It's my nap time, too.

I'm gonna sleep
until Ethan forgets who I am.

Or till people stop using Instagram.

All right, Steph. Let's talk venues.

No, Kimmy. No more wedding planning, okay?

All right, fine. I won't pester you,

even if it means missing out on
this exquisite reception hall

with seating for 400
and a full view of the Golden Gate.

Ooh. Wow. That is a gorgeous view.

This room is perfect for you.

There's a bar in every corner.

I know. That's-That's the view
I was talking about.

Greetings, ladies.

- Hey.
- [Kimmy] Oh.

Look who's all chipper
and wearing clothes.

Check it out, guys.
We've got something for you. Sit, sit.

Okay.

Ooh, Uncle Monty's?

Yes. I got you both a number 14
with extra peppercini.

Oh. Oh, my God. This is so good.

Number 14, nice to make your acquaintance.
You're even prettier than your picture.

Oh.

Mmm.

This is delicious.
And most of that bite was wrapper.

I could eat this every day.

Oh, funny you should mention that
because, um, what if I told you

you could have Uncle Monty's for free
every day of the week?

I'd say get out my stretch pants
'cause I'm gonna need 'em.

I can't wait any longer!

We bought Uncle Monty's!

We know. We're eating it right now.

Not the sandwich.
We bought the restaurant.

You bought a restaurant
without talking to me first?

W... Uncle Monty was gonna close the place,

so we decided to save
a Bay Area institution.

We're gonna be kings of cold cuts.

And Steve is the investor,

which makes him the archduke,
also of cold cuts.

But what do either of you
know about running a restaurant?

Okay, I know this may seem
a little hasty and impulsive,

and, boy, was it expensive,

but this way, we can be closer together,
like we both said we wanted.

And I will be here less, like you wanted.

But now we have to go to the bank
to meet Steve

'cause that's what you do
when you run a business.

I think. I don't know.

I've never run a business.

We are gonna learn so much
spending Steve's money.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

Here, record me.

- What am I recording?
- Just hit the record button.

- [beeps]
- [Ramona] Ahem.

To whom it may concern,

if you've received a random deep like
on a really old Instagram post

that would be super-creepy
for me to be looking at,

it wasn't me. I was hacked.

Now, I'm not saying it was
sophisticated Russian cyberterrorists.

But I'm not say it's nyet.

Ethan will buy that, right?

If he did, would you still
want to go out with him?

No. Why does he have to be
the first smart guy that I like?

Probably for the best.
I was recording my face the whole time.

Thanks, Captain Gene.

[truck horn blows]

Wha... Did you get a ride home
on a fire truck?

That's awesome.

Not awesome.

What happened?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Do you think the city pool caught on fire?

What is wrong with you?

Just go.

♪ You crawled beneath my veins and now ♪

♪ I don't care, I have no luck... ♪

I don't hear any crying.

That's good, right?

It's worse.

I hear someone singing Natalie Imbruglia.

♪ I'm all out of faith ♪

♪ This is how I feel ♪

♪ I'm cold, and I am shamed ♪

♪ Lying naked on the floor ♪

♪ Illusion never changed ♪

♪ I'm already torn ♪

What are you doing?

Singing out my feelings
'90s adult alternative-style obviously.

You know "Torn" is a break-up song?

It's a song about hurting, which I am.

Plus, I couldn't find
a very good diving-board song.

What happened?

I choked.

I got up on the board,
I saw how high it was,

and... I froze.

That doesn't sound that bad.

You just climbed down the ladder, right?

I wish.

I was so paralyzed with fear

that the firemen had to get me down
with a cherry picker.

It was humiliating.
Taylor was laughing so hard

that the paramedics
had to give him oxygen.

Max, don't b*at yourself up.
Everyone gets embarrassed at some point.

I accidentally deep-liked
an old picture of Ethan.

Ooh. You need the song more than I do.

Dude, deep liking is nothing.

You want to talk public humiliation?
I once fell down the stairs at school.

I knocked over six kids

and a Home Ec teacher
carrying a butter sculpture.

And when I tried to get up,
I kept slipping on the butter.

I made the local news. For months,
I was known as the Hot Buttered Boy.

- But now here's the embarrassing part...
- Please stop.

What Jackson's trying to say is...

he's lived an entire life
of abject humiliation,

and he's still plugging away.

Yep, I wake up every day thinking,
"Today cannot be worse than yesterday."

Do you really think I can do this?

You won't know until you try.

You're right. If Jackson
can show his face in school,

then I can go right back down to camp
and jump off that high dive.

Thanks, Hot Butter Boy.

Hey. My speech went terrific.
I really think I made an impact.

Don't care.

What's the matter with you guys?

[exhales] Haven't you heard?

Jimmy and Fernando
bought Uncle Monty's sandwich shop

without telling us.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
They-They bought Uncle Monty's?

Yeah, when they were at lunch with Steve.

What were those three guys doing together?
They've never hung out in their lives.

I-I don't know.

That is an unlikely trio. I...

So they didn't just have lunch
and solve each other's problems?

Who said anything about having lunch
or solving problems?

Not me, that's for sure.

That does not sound like
something I would say.

Oh, I can't lie. Okay.

It sounds exactly like
something I would say because I said it.

I knew they needed a smart person
to come up with a stupid idea.

Look, all I did was suggest
they have lunch,

not buy a sandwich shop.

But, you know,
the guys are pretty resourceful.

And Monty's is a popular place.
Maybe they'll make a go of it.

Oh, I'm glad you're onboard
'cause Steve's the primary investor.

With those two bozos?

Yeah, exactly.
Now we've got three bozos.

Jimmy and I are supposed to be partners.

I get a say
in these major life decisions, don't I?

Guys, I'm seriously asking this question

because I've never been in
a healthy relationship.

You're asking me?

I've been engaged for five years
to a man I divorced.

Good point. All right,
I'm going down there to stop this deal.

I'm driving.

I just need to put on a disguise.

No, no. We... We're not sneaking in.

We're just gonna go down there
and talk to them like reasonable adults.

Yes. In a disguise.

Ramona, your Ethan issue is handled.

I took your hacking video
to the next level.

Greetings. We are Autonomous.

Our goal... disruption.

Our tactics...
deep likes of outdated posts.

Did Ramona really like that old picture,
or was it Autonomous?

[cackling]

Pretty good, huh?

You realize the football jersey
in the background has your name on it?

Easy fix.

This is Autonomous. We have stolen
Jackson Fuller's football jersey.

[cackling]

[cell phone beeps]

Uncle Monty, it is an honor

to be following in
your historic sandwich footsteps.

Just treat this place right.

Over the years,
I've put a lot of my own sweat

into my sandwiches.

I'm sure he meant that metaphorically.

I don't care.
Delicious is delicious.

Okay, you guys distract them.
I'll go look for the buried treasure.

- Still not the plan.
- We're just here to talk to them.

Then why am I dressed like a sandwich?

We've been saying that the whole time.

[D.J.] Ahem.

Oh. Hey, guys.

May we we speak with you for a minute?

Pick any table. We own them all,
including the gum underneath.

Just sit.

Steve, what happened?

All I said was, "Take 'em to lunch
and give 'em advice."

Well, that's what I did, but then
this opportunity presented itself.

I've been looking for a side investment.

This gives me a chance to do it
with a couple guys I like.

Steph, can you believe
that Uncle Monty's is gonna be all ours?

I really can't.
That's why we ran down here.

Fernando, we need to talk.

By the way, it's me... Kimmy.

Oh, I know it's you.
No sandwich wears fishnets like you do.

I bought it at the food lingerie shop.

Fernando, how could you buy this place
without consulting me?

Once again,
you're only thinking of yourself.

Kimberlina, yesterday,
I was a man without a purpose.

But today, I am filled with passion
and hope for the future.

Is that not a good thing
for you and Ramona?

Well, look at that.
You got your spark back.

Come here, you golden-tongued devil,
and kiss me.

Jimmy.

If we're gonna be partners, you can't
do stuff like this without including me.

I'm sorry, Steph.
I know I should've asked you first.

I just got so excited

about finally finding a way to earn money
and stay close to you and Danielle.

I don't want to miss a thing.

And I feel like Uncle Monty's
is the solution to all of our problems.

Unless one of us
gets diagnosed with high cholesterol.

But even that we'll deal with together.

You're making it really hard
to stay mad at you right now.

And trust me, Uncle Monty's
isn't your typical sandwich shop.

It's an established brand
with loyal clientele.

Hey, it's true. I checked out the books.
Uncle Monty's is a gold mine.

- I think we can even franchise this place.
- Hey, Mr. Gibbler. I've got the check.

Hey, who was that, hon,
and why did he call you "mister"?

Oh, probably because
I'm wearing long pants.

And, um... I'm selling him the RV.

What? But you love that RV.

You said you wanted to be buried in it.

And ten minutes ago,
I was ready to oblige you.

I'm doing it to pay my share.

I'm a dad now,
and I want to be a responsible adult.

You and Danielle
are all that matter to me now.

That is so sweet.

Let's go deposit that check
before he finds out the water pump's bad.

Oh, yeah.

Hey. Are you sure you're okay
being in business with these guys?

Sure. They need somebody
with business experience.

You are so sweet to help them out.

You are a good man, Dr. Hale.

And besides, with the amount of money
I'm gonna spend on sandwiches,

this place is gonna make a k*lling.

Oh, dear.

♪ La la la la
La la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

So, Deej, your first
Uncle Monty's sandwich. Any thoughts?

Well, my question isn't,
"Why did you buy Uncle Monty's?"

It's, "Why didn't you buy
Uncle Monty's sooner?"

Max. Hey, Jackson and Ramona
told me about your rough morning.

- How'd it go back at camp?
- It was great.

- So you finally went off the high dive?
- Not even close.

I tried multiple times,
but self-preservation finally won out.

Wait. So what was so great about it?

Well, Taylor did go off the high dive,
and he lost his bathing suit midair.

So everybody was so busy laughing at him
that they forgot all about me.

Good for you, honey.

I mean, poor Taylor.

[whispers] But good for you, honey.

Whoa, Ethan just deep-liked
a third-grade class picture of me.

You know what this means?

That he's a creepy stalker, too?

Exactly. We're made for each other.

♪ Ooh, la la la
Hey, hey, hey ♪

[Jepsen] ♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[theme music playing]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh ♪