05x06 - The Mayor's Bird

[bunniefuu]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[Carly Rae Jepsen]
♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy
The evening TV ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart
A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look
Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face
Somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there ♪

♪ And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[all] Ooh.

You don't have to do that
every time someone dresses nicely.

Grandpa Danny says it's a house rule.

And he's the best grandpa.

Saying that is also a house rule.

And so is giving your mama kisses
before she heads out.

- Run. Go. Go.
- What?

Go, go, go.

Hey. Remember,
I know where you sleep.

Hey, Deej.

Matt, what are you doing here?

Hey, that's not as friendly
as "It's always open."

You're right. Sorry. It's always open.

I'm headed out with Steve.
So what are you doing here?

Right. I need to talk to you about work.

I think we should start
a concierge vet service.

Doing house calls for people too lazy
to bring their pets to our office?

Yes, exactly. I think it'll bring in
a ton of extra dough.

Also sounds like a ton of extra hours

that'll take me away from the things
I really care about, like my kids

and my friends and...

right now, my date, so I'll pass.

Wish I had known that
before I printed 50 of these bad boys.

You're right. They're bad.

Matt!

- Stevie!
- My man!

[both] Unh.

- Deej! My gal!
- Ah. Uh-uh.

Yeah, we're not doing that.

Steve and I have a date,

so can I finish sh**ting down
your bad idea tomorrow?

Actually, I kinda sorta already booked
our first concierge client.

The mayor of San Francisco.

That is so cool!

What? I'm, like,
a huge fan of city politics.

D.J., a client like this
could really put us on the map,

and she needs our help
with her pet bird tonight.

It's a hornbill.

Horatio Hornbill is sick?

How do you know the bird's name?

I follow him on Twitter.

He said offensive stuff about seagulls,
but he swears he was hacked.

D.J., I really need your help here.

Yeah, but I'm dogs and cats.
You're birds and bunnies.

- You don't need my help.
- I'm afraid of hornbills.

You're afraid of hornbills?

How would you even know that?

It was vet school.

I had to give one an exam,
and he clamped his beak down on my...

my swimsuit region.

That was really brave of you
to share that.

But I kind of wish you hadn't.

Honey, do you mind waiting
so I can go help Matt?

No, of course.

Okay, but I'll be back soon
so we can go on our date night.

Good. Now just go fix that bird.

His last few tweets,
he just... he didn't sound like himself.

Froggy says, "Ribbit."
Froggy says, "Ribbit."

Froggy says, "Ribbit."

Aw. It seems like just yesterday

I was trying to make you laugh
using a frog puppet.

Mom, it was yesterday.

And it was incredibly creepy
to wake up to.

Well, I don't get to
spend time with you anymore.

You're always rushing off with Ethan.

Oh, wow. Now you made this
really awkward, but, um...

I have a date tonight with Ethan.

I got to get ready, so I'm gonna...

rush off.

Well, hey there, buckaroo.

How was performing at the rootin'-tootin'
boot-scootin' birthday hoedown?

Can I get a yee-haw?

I have zero yee-haws left to give.

Here.

Oh. But now I'm happy.

You know, it's funny. Thought I'd be
so excited to get back to work

and do something
besides changing diapers,

but the whole time I was gone,
I just missed this little one.

And, Kimmy, I need to have
a tough conversation with you,

but you're my boss and my friend,
and I'm not really sure how to do it.

Oh, never fear, Steph.
I can keep the two things separate.

Kimmy your friend is ready to listen.

Spill it, sista.

How does putting a fake paper bow
on your head make you Kimmy my friend?

Tut tut tut. Just trust the process.

And go.

Okay.

Uh, well... I don't want to sing at
kiddie birthday parties anymore.

Ever since I've become a mom...

any job really has to be worth it
for me to be away from Danielle, you know.

I totally get it.

Motherhood changes all of your priorities.

Oh. I'm so glad to get that off my chest.
Thank you.

So I guess it's time
to talk to Kimmy my boss.

Oh, one moment, please.

[gruff voice]
You wanted to see me, Tanner?

- Well, sir...
- But make it snappy.

It's a madhouse in here.

I would like to respectfully submit
my resignation.

Quitting, are we, Tanner?

Is this because I ate your sandwich
out of the break-room fridge?

It wasn't me. And it wasn't that good.

Well, we'll miss you around here.

Good luck in all of your future endeavors.

[normal tone]
So how'd it go with your boss?

You're never lonely,
even when you're alone, are you?

[doorbell rings]

That's Ethan.
We're going on a date tonight.

Oh. When I open the door,
laugh like I said something funny.

- Nope.
- Not happening.

[laughs]

Oh, my God, I'm so funny. Hi.

Hey, Ethan. I said something funny,

so we were all laughing earlier.
It wasn't just me.

Hi, Ramona.

- Mom, I'm heading out with Ethan.
- Wait. No, no, no, no, no.

Um, um... you've been spending
a lot of time with Ethan,

and I would like to
get to know him better.

And I think you know him
just fine. See ya.

No, you can't go. It's Gibbler Game Night.

What? M-Mom, n-no.

Yay! Did somebody invoke
Gibbler Game Night?

Hello, Mr. Postmates.

I see you have returned
like the patch of dry skin on my elbow.

Are you joining us
for some board-game fun?

- What? No!
- What do you say, Ethan?

He says, "What? No!"

Can I have a word, please?

This just got interesting.

So, what's the big deal
about Gibbler Game Night?

You guys just play board games, right?

Uh, they play.

We settle in
for the spectacle of human drama.

It's like Game of Thrones,
only more cutthroat.

What are you doing, Mom?
I told you I had plans with Ethan.

You can still have plans with Ethan.
Just do it here with us.

[whimpers]

Ethan, run while you still can.

I get it. It's weird
hanging with your parents.

But if this is where you're gonna be...

then this is where I want to be.

[both] Aw...

And this is where the mayor
runs the city of San Francisco.

Now, can I offer you anything?
A refreshment?

A razor for that unseemly stubble?

I think it makes me look rugged.

This is San Francisco, not Seattle.

We're in a bit of a rush. Will you
let the mayor know we're here?

- Boo!
- Oh!

[laughing]

Works every time. I love this chair.

Okay, that just cracks me up.

- Cunningham, introduce me.
- Yes, ma'am.

Doctors Harmon and Fuller,

please meet the Right Honorable
mayor of San Francisco... Eunetta Boone.

Oh.

He's like Siri but more ticklish.

Please don't make me giggle
in front of the guests, ma'am.

It is an honor to meet you, Mayor Boone.
Let's get started.

Madam Mayor, we are here for your bird.

In a minute, Dr. Doolittle.

First, get over here.
I know you want a selfie with the mayor.

Everyone does.

[shutter snaps]

Now when you post it,
caption it, "I mayor so hard."

This is Horatio Hornbill.

He was a gift from San Francisco's
sister city, Manila, in the Philippines.

In exchange, we sent them Metallica.

The mayor would like you
to clip his wings.

If he flies away,
it could cause an international incident.

Or worse. They might send back Metallica.

Well, I can clip his wings
in five minutes.

Totally worth a house call
in the middle of my date.

We will not let you down, Mayor.

Now, if you will excuse the mayor,

she has a ribbon-cutting ceremony
for a new opening of Panera Bread.

[chuckles]

Between you and me...

these giant scissors
are the reason I ran for mayor.

[D.J.] Okay, let's get started.

D.J., wait. Do not get too close
to that beast

until I have my tranquilizer g*n ready.

Wha... You brought a tranq g*n
for a Fruit Loops bird?

Last time I saw the Fruit Loops bird,
he bit my Apple Jacks.

I'm sorry, Ethan. This is gonna get
real weird, real quick.

Hey, do you guys know where your mom...

Shh. The delicious drama
of human humiliation is about to begin.

What's going on?

- Gibbler Game Night.
- You didn't see me.

Mom, plug your ears.

Okay, Papa. Your clue is Top g*n.

[gasps] "I feel the need,
the need for speed."

I am merging onto the highway
to the danger zone!

And go.

Oh, I know this. Um...

uh... a straight line.

A... squiggly line?

- Something coming out of a straight line.
- Time.

It was Top g*n!

Ooh-ooh. You have insulted me,
Maverick, and the Goose.

Now I have to go play
some shirtless volleyball to cool off.

And watch Top g*n for the first time.

Wow, so I guess game night is over.
Should we just go?

Oh, newbie, I wish it were that easy.

Three... two... one.

Kimberlina?

Please.

Forgive me?

I'm not worthy of your affections.

I promise I will never
lose my temper again.

I sentence you
to five minutes of Eskimo kisses.

Hey, Dani.
You're never gonna believe this,

but your mom
was an international party DJ. Yeah.

Closest I get to spinning now
is when I operate the dryer.

But I'm gonna figure out
my next career move.

I hope. Maybe.

If you have any ideas,
now's the time to share them.

- [footsteps approach]
- Hey, Steph.

Hey.

What's with the tool belt,
Bob the Builder?

I'm just waiting for D.J.
to finish up with the mayor's hornbill.

Is that a sequel to The Handmaid's Tale?

No, no. She and Matt are working,
and I'm just keeping busy.

I just tightened up
all the knobs in the kitchen,

and now I'm changing all the batteries
in the smoke detectors.

Wow. Another episode
of Podiatrists Gone Wild.

The truth is, I'll do anything to avoid
getting sucked into Gibbler Game Night.

Gotcha. I have a newborn, and there's
less screaming and crying down here.

[Steve chuckles]

So what's going on? And where's
the carbon monoxide detector?

Because I got a pocketful of batteries
and an hour to k*ll.

I'm just... thinking how I'm kind of at
a career crossroads now that I'm a mom.

Funny.

The only job I never thought I'd have
is the one that makes me the happiest...

- Hmm.
- ...but... I got to find something.

You had a great career as a DJ.
You've led a super-awesome fun life.

Doesn't have to end 'cause you're a mom.
I mean, maybe the, uh, private jets

and playing all-night raves
in Ibiza with Prince Harry.

I was never in Ibiza with Prince Harry.
You know what? I was with Prince Harry.

You could still be a great mom to Danielle
and, uh, be artistically fulfilled.

Whoa. Maybe we do need to check
the carbon monoxide,

'cause you're making sense.

Look, you just got to figure out
what you love,

and give it that Stephanie Tanner hustle
till you're doing it.

Thanks, Steve.

By the way, I fixed your bidet.

We don't have a bidet.

Then I seriously messed up your toilet.

Hmm.

Figure out what I love and do that.

The only thing I really want to do
is watch you smile.

[chuckles]

♪ And now I'm looking at you ♪

♪ Looking back at me ♪

[chuckles]

Hey. That's actually pretty good.

Did you write that down?

All done. Not sure if you can tell
from over there.

Just maintaining a secure perimeter.

Get out of there.

How can you be afraid of
this cute little bird?

- Horatio, get him.
- Oh, God.

You know, you are not being
a supportive business partner right now.

What? Me? Hey, I paused my date

to support my business partner's
ridiculous idea.

- Ridiculous?
- Doctors!

Need I remind you
you are in the People's House.

Please maintain a modicum of decorum.

- Sorry, Cunningham.
- Sorry, Cunningham.

- [whispers] You got us in trouble.
- Me? I was taking care of the hornbill.

Where's the hornbill?

- [both gasp]
- [D.J.] Oh, no.

I just clipped his wings.
If he tries to fly, he's gonna fall.

We've got to coax him in.

[boat whistle blows]

Yoo-hoo. Horatio Hornbill,
come on inside.

Mama's got a date tonight,
and I don't have time to bury a bird.

Step away from the bird, Deej.

Playtime is over.

Put away the tranquilizer g*n.

Not gonna hurt him.
I'm just gonna send him to Sleepy Town.

- No.
- [thunk]

[Matt whimpers]

You sh*t me in the foot.

[D.J.] Oh...

Are you okay?

That's a lot of tranquilizer.

Yeah. I'm fine, Mom.

Hey, are you making spaghetti tonight?

Okay. I, uh, I think
you've got to sit down.

- Oh, I do.
- Oof.

Okay.

[thud]

I love this couch.

It's your turn, Mr. Fernando.

Kimberlina, if I pop a four
on the Pop-O-Matic,

you're in big trouble
in the game of Trouble.

It's a good thing we're not playing Clue,

'cause you're about to get a candlestick
in your library.

Ooh.

There's so much tension between them.
They're still married?

Actually, they're divorced, but then
they got reengaged with a falcon.

Then they had a wedding
where they agreed not to be married,

conducted by men on Rollerblades.

Tell me about your family.

Aha! It's a four!

Ooh, this is an outrage.

I knew I'd be sorry
we didn't play Sorry.

Uhh.

And I'm off to play
shirtless volleyball again!

I really hate shirts!

Fernando.

I can't stay mad at you.

Kimberlina.

If loving you is wrong, then kiss me.

Do they ever finish a game?

I've never seen it.

Dani, Mama wrote this song for you
because she loves you

more than she thought
she could ever love anything.

♪ When I was just six years old ♪

♪ I threw a penny in a wishing well ♪

♪ Mm-mm-mm ♪

♪ At the time, seemed kinda silly ♪

♪ But you know you never can tell ♪

♪ That wish has faded ♪

♪ That I made as just a child ♪

♪ But it all came flooding back ♪

♪ The first moment that you smiled ♪

♪ And now I'm looking at you ♪

♪ Looking back at me ♪

♪ And now I know exactly ♪

♪ Where I'm supposed to be ♪

♪ I've spent so much time ♪

♪ Just wishing for this dream ♪

♪ To come true ♪

♪ And the pot of gold
At the end of the rainbow ♪

♪ Is you ♪

Steph, that's a great song. I've never
heard that before. Who sings that?

Uh... I do.

I just wrote it. You really like it?

Steph, I love it.

And I know music, okay?
I've met about half the Three Tenors.

Well, I... I just took your advice
and did what I love.

I always loved writing music
that means something to me.

Always been a dream of mine.

Thought it was a dream
I had to give up once I became a mom.

Maybe becoming a mom

is exactly what you needed
to make this dream come true.

Steph, you should record it.

Wow.

Thanks.

You know, it's been nice

having a sensitive guy in a tool belt
date my sister.

You know, I could get one for Jimmy,
but some of this stuff's a little sharp.

Mm.

[cell phone chimes]

D.J. needs help
at the mayor's mansion. Ahh.

This is the closest I'll ever get
to being Batman.

They've been playing the game of Life
for a while and no fireworks.

Upp, be patient.
Last time they played this,

it was followed by
six weeks of family therapy.

Come on, six.

Come on, six.

[groans] Five?

Aw, triplets?

I'm already 50 grand in debt,
and I didn't even finish college.

I did. Perhaps your triplets
can clean the pool at my beach house.

Or they could mow the lawn
at my country club.

[chuckles] Oh, Kimberlina,
you are so good at Life.

Not as good as you, Dr. Fernando, Esq.

Is it hot in here?

Let's fan ourselves with all the money
Ramona doesn't have.

Okay, enough!

Whoa!

This game is anachronistic, patriarchal,

and I wanted the green car.

[door slams]

That girl has no chill.

Are you all right?

This is the worst night ever.

It's okay.

I already knew your parents were...

colorful.

You mean crazy?

I was being polite.

- I just didn’t want you to see...
- That you're as big of a kook as them?

Yes. I Gibblered all over the place.

For what it's worth,
I'm really glad I stayed.

Only a family that loves each other
can fight and make up so fast.

That's really sweet. Thanks.

I guess we should go back inside, then.

Actually, I was watching
how game night works.

And the tradition
is clearly to make up and then...

kiss.

Please don't make me go back in there.

Come on.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

Good boy, Horatio.

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart ♪

What are you singing?

I don't know,
but it makes me feel happy inside.

Okay, Steve is gonna be here any minute,

and we are gonna get you home
to sleep this off.

And when you wake up tomorrow,

all of this is gonna seem like
a bad dream.

- Except for those hats you can't return.
- Uhh.

I'm sorry.
I know it was a crazy idea.

It’s just that I am really
hurting for money right now and...

Whoa. Did I say that?

These tranqs have really loosened me up.

San Francisco, I'm broke!

Hey, how could you be strapped for cash?
Business is really good.

For you.

You're not married to Gia. Heh heh.

I mean, I love her so much,
but... can I tell you a secret?

She is high maintenance!

Honestly, you guys are a great couple.

Do not tell her
I said nice things about her.

I think you and Steve
are a great couple, too.

In fact, the whole time
that we were dating, I knew.

[sing-song] I knew you were
still in love with him.

Wha-Wha-Wha...

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

In fact, I thought
if I proposed real fast...

that I could get you off the market
before you realized your true feelings.

Wow.

Those tranquilizers came with
an extra dose of honesty.

But in the end, it all worked out.

We both got lucky.

We did, didn't we?

So when are you and Steve getting married?

Well, I've been thinking about it
more than I ever have and...

well, now I'm talking about
thinking about it, and...

I think I like the sound of it.

I want to marry Steve.

[door opens]

Dr. Steven Hale has arrived.

Oh, Steve. Thank goodness.
I am so glad to see you.

Stevie! Chest bump!

[thud]

♪ Ooh, la la
Ooh, la la ♪

This is amazing.
How did you do all of this?

[sighs] We missed our reservation,

but I still wanted to give you
a special evening.

And you'd be surprised
what a man can achieve

when he's trying to avoid
Gibbler Game Night.

Oh, I missed Gibbler Game Night?

Yeah, maybe being a concierge vet
isn't so bad after all.

Sorry you had to work.

Oh, it's okay.

You know, I realized something
about us tonight.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

[door opens]

Oh, good. You guys are home.

We need two more for Twister.
Fair warning, Fernando is shirtless.

Yeah, we'll be right in.

[whispers] Quick. Grab the wine.
Let's get out of here.

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[Jepsen] ♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[theme music playing]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh ♪