01x05 - An Open Book

[bunniefuu]

♪ I remember it all very well looking back ♪

♪ it was the summer I turned 18 ♪

♪ we lived in a one-room, rundown shack ♪

♪ on the outskirts of New Orleans ♪

♪ we didn't have money for food ♪

( Female ) So, I want you to meet this guy I'm going out with tonight, okay?

He's kind of a dork, but in a sweet way.

He seems real at least.

And he's kinda rich I think.

Kinda.

Of course, so was Kadeem, and that was a f*cking waste of two years of my life.

You know what?

I knew you never liked Kadeem.

So, I'm gonna bring this guy home to meet you.

And this time, I swear I will pay attention to what you think.

Because I am one f*cking hot-sh*t bitch and he'd be f*cking lucky to have me.

♪ She looked at our pitiful shack, then she looked at me ♪

Oh...

Oh, does that feel good.

Hey, Tito!

Come hang with me, okay?

( Meowing )

Thank you.

Who's my lover?

Yes.

Yes.

Aren't you glad I rescued you?

You better be f*cking glad.

Cost me 800 bucks in vet bills.

At a time when things were particularly tight for mommy, I might add.

One good thing about this guy tonight, he's got a big fat d*ck and he fucks like a jackhammer.

Those never last.

♪ Lord forgive me for what I do ♪

♪ but if you want out, it's up to you ♪

♪ don't let me down, your momma's gonna help you move uptown ♪

( Choir singing )

( Singing )

( Singing continues )

David, I'm so glad to see you here.

It's always nice when someone comes back to the fold.

Oh, I've been going to church.

I was just going to a different church.

Really, which one?

St. Stephen's?

In the palisades?

No, St. Stephen's in west Hollywood.

Well, I hope you always feel as welcome here as you did there.

Thanks.

You know, your father was a Deacon here and we still haven't replaced him.

I think it would be good for this church to listen to a younger voice.

If you're at all interested, I could submit your name to the bishop.

Me? A Deacon?

David, that's wonderful.

Your father would be so proud.

Well, sure, I'd be honored to be considered.

Ruth, how are you holding up?

I'm doing okay, father.

Each day it's just a little bit easier.

That's what I love hearing.

Wow, what a small world!

Do you go to this church?

I just joined, I was raised catholic, so, I like the whole ritual part of it.

Ooh, you smell good, what is that?

Who are you?

Oh my god, I can't believe I never introduced myself.

It seems like we've known each other forever.

I'm Tracy Montrose Blair.

Hi, I'm David...

Fisher, I know, I know who you are.

Okay, why?

Because my uncle Walt was buried at your funeral home.

Old guy?

Cancer?

Had a tattoo of a roulette wheel on his back?

Oh, yes.

I have a tattoo.

A butterfly.

I think that you should know that I'm not really available.

You have a girlfriend?

Yes.

Serious?

We're engaged.

Well... Good for you.

Most men your age are so commitment-fobic it's pathetic.

Yes, men are pigs.

Or they're gay.

Well, I'm certainly glad to find out you're not gay.

I have to go, my mother's waiting.

( Tracy ) Bye bye!

She seems nice.

She seems nuts.

Hello?!

( Female ) Out here!

Hey.

This is the life, huh?

Apparently.

So, how often do mommy and daddy go away?

Oh, constantly.

They're very important people with very important places to go.

Lucky for them I have absolutely nowhere to go.

How are you?

I'm good.

It's chilly today, aren't you cold?

Nope.

Jesus, it's like a hot tub in here.

Mommy and daddy keep it this hot all the time.

Even in summer.

They're very wasteful.

Ah, that's just wrong.

( Nate ) Oh, man, you are...

What?

You're unlike any woman I've ever met.

Good.

You scare me a little.

Why?

I don't know.

It's just, uh...

So much I don't know about you.

Me?

I am an open book.

I'm so glad you're bringing your friends home.

You know, you haven't done that in years.

What are you doing here?

You said you'd be gone through the weekend.

Yes, it's Sunday.

It's the end of the weekend.

Nate, these are my parents, Margaret and Bernard Chenowith.

Margaret and Bernard, this is Nate Fisher, the man I am having sex with.

Hello.

Brenda has told us absolutely nothing about you.

You know what? I'm not surprised.

I'm not sure there's that much to tell.

Oh, don't be so modest.

Nate's studying for his funeral directors' license.

Well, Nate, you'll have to tell us all about that.

Will you stay for lunch?

At least a drink or two?

I'd like to, but...

I really have to study.

Well then, you'll have to join us for dinner sometime.

Ah...

Sounds great.

( Nate ) Great!

Okay, Mrs. Fisher.

I asked you here today so we could talk about your relationship with Claire.

I told her it wasn't my idea.

No.

Claire feels that being the youngest child, perhaps she might've missed out on a time when the family was happier.

No, you said that, I told you, I don't think there was a time this family was ever happy.

That is not true.

There was lots of happiness when the boys were young.

When you were young, Claire.

You were a very happy little girl, and you know it.

That's because I was too young to realize what freaks we were.

Why would you come into this man's office and tell him we were never happy?

I don't know, because I grew up in a house that was usually filled with total strangers who were crying all the time?

Oh, boo hoo.

I grew up in a two-room apartment over a barber shop.

And I spent my teen-age years taking care of my grandmother after one of and then both of her legs were amputated.

Life's hard!

Mrs. Fisher...

You had a roof over your head, you didn't go hungry.

She gets up on this cross, and then there's just no talking to her.

You did not have to go begging for food on the streets of Calcutta.

Because I wasn't dropped in a dumpster somewhere, I'm not supposed to want things to be better?

This is good, this is good for you two to talk like this.

These are obviously things you need to say.

So, we're just supposed to fight and get on each other's nerves?

I prefer the not talking thing.

I think you should try to have more of a dialogue.

Make time for it, schedule it.

Remember, any relationship is work.

Okay, excellent session.

That's it?

That's up to you, isn't it?

He does this for like five different schools.

She should look spectacular.

That's the most important thing.

We'll make sure that she looks her best.

She was the real deal, you know?

She was a star.

And I can assure you we will give her a funeral that befits the star that she was and always will be.

You know who she was?

Absolutely.

And I'm a big fan of hers.

Hey, Rico.

Holy moly.

Feel them, they're really hard.

No thanks.

Like a rock.

See how they're all cockeyed?

They got this low-cut flimsy thing they want her in and they said absolutely no bra.

sh*t, I don't know what the heck I'm gonna do.

Maybe I could like, tape 'em together somehow.

You know where this stuff goes?

I put it in the wrong place David'll bitch at me for a week.

Top left, above the purple stuff.

Well, boys, this just might be our highest-profit-margin funeral this year.

She's rich, huh?

The guy who's paying for it is.

She looks so familiar to me.

She's an actress.

Viveca St. John.

Oh, my god, you're right.

That's her?

Apparently she was quite talented.

She was a p*rn star.

What?

David, she was huge, like back in the mid-to-late 80s.

Oh, come on, you never saw any of her videos?

No, Nate, I missed those.

This chick f*cked a snake.

This chick f*cked like 30 guys at one time.

I saw that, I saw that!

My cousin Ramone showed me when I was like 12 on the diving board, okay?

They were like wrapped around the pool.

Did you see the one where the guy's riding this motorcycle that she's strapped to so he's f*cking her when he's riding around in circles?

Holy sh*t!

Nate.

Could I speak to you outside for a minute?

Dammit, Nate.

The woman on that table is just as deserving of dignity as anyone else we prepare.

And Federico is an employee.

It's up to you and me to set an example for him, alright?

Alright, I'm sorry.

Show some respect.

These are human lives we're dealing with here.

These are not organic blackberries or granola in bulk.

I said I'm sorry.

I don't want you to be sorry.

I want you to remember that what we do here is serious.

Because it really sucks for me always having to be the spoilsport.

Okay.

Thank you.

( Phone )

Hello?

Nate, Bernard Chenowith.

Hi.

Margaret and I were wondering if you would join us for dinner tomorrow night.

Tell him we're not gonna take no for an answer.

You hear that?

Actually I have a lot of studying to do for this exam...

Nate...

We'd really love to be able to get a sense of who you are and I'm sure you're curious about us as well, right?

Good.

Shall we say seven-ish?

Can I bring anything?

Hello?

( Loud video game noises )

Suck on that, you ugly f*ck.

Hi.

There's this thing called knocking.

It's like protected in the first amendment.

I rented some videos.

I thought you and I could watch them tonight.

Remember when you were in middle school you and I used to go to the movies every Monday night?

Remember how much fun we had?

I remember seeing a lot of really bad movies.

What'd you get?

"Runaway bride" and "the nutty professor".

Cool.

Oz didn't make you a bitch.

You were born one.

( Laughing )

It'd be good for business too.

Dad was a Deacon there.

It's a big congregation, people die.

Their families don't know where to go and the church sends them our way.

They know you're gay?

I think father Jack has a pretty good idea.

You think he likes you?

Keith.

Does this mean you're not gonna be going to church with me anymore?

Well, if they make me a Deacon, I'd have to go there all the time, yeah.

I'm sorry, I know, Sundays have sort of been our day.

I think it's great.

I really do.

One of the things I love about you is the fact that your religion means so much to you.

Besides I think it could be kind of hot, you know?

Dating a man of the cloth?

But I need you to do something for me.

What is it, my son?

You know the gay firemen and police officers club I belong to?

We're having a party in Laguna this weekend.

I want you to be my date.

Your date, will I get a corsage?

I want you to start meeting some of my friends, David.

I'd like that.

Oh.

Forgive me, father.

For I am about to sin.

( Flatulating on TV )

( Laughing )

This is an entire movie about expelling gas.

I think that's why people like it.

I don't want to watch this.

Good, 'cause neither do I.

Claire, look...

I know you probably think I'm old and stupid.

No, mom, I don't.

But I love you just as much as I ever did.

And I'm worried about you and I don't know how to help.

I don't need help.

Why is everyone acting like I'm in the trench coat mafia?

You stole a foot.

A human foot!

Okay, you want to know why?

Because some guy who totally scammed me into having sex with him because I thought he actually cared about me, he told the entire school that I sucked his toes.

And then when I confronted him about it, he showed entirely no remorse.

So, I saw Nate drop the foot on the floor I just grabbed it, just to get back at that assh*le, okay?

It wasn't premeditated, I'm not Jeffrey Dahmer.

I don't get off on hacked-up body parts.

You're having sex?

No.

Jesus.

No, I'm sorry, I cannot have this conversation with you.

And I'm really sorry, but I don't think we're ever gonna have one of these like touchy-feely mother-daughter relationships like you see on TV and in the movies because you know what, they don't exist!

Ah, here's our guest, and he brought us a bottle of Louis Jadot Pinot Noir.

1997, no less.

Okay, a man who knows his wine.

I'm liking you more and more, Nate.

Well, I worked at a food co-op in Seattle for a long time.

Learned a little bit.

A co-op, so there's a little hippy in there, huh?

That makes sense.

Brenda would find that attractive.

She likes to think of herself as being wildly counter-cultural.

I think she's actually just jealous of the fact that Bern and I really were hippies...

Briefly.

Can I offer you a drink?

Sure, do you have any beer?

No, we have vodka, scotch, bourbon.

I'll have a little bourbon.

Manly, but not elitist.

Just her type.

Down, girl.

So, where is Brenda?

Brenda.

Oh, Brenda's not coming tonight.

Really?

Well, she felt, and I really have to agree with her that we'd have a much better chance of getting to know each other if she weren't here.

She does tend to take center stage, so to speak.

Huh.

I kind of wish somebody thought to tell me about this.

I'm sorry, I assumed she did.

There you are.

( Male ) David was raised in this church.

He was christened and confirmed here.

He served as an alter boy.

And he was president of the youth ministry in high school.

How old are you, David?

I'm 31.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a funeral director.

Ah...

His father served as a Deacon for over a decade.

He just recently passed away.

So, you see this as a sort of passing the torch.

No, sir, I see it as a chance to serve god.

Well, I'm glad to hear you say that.

Because that's what it is.

Being a Deacon is more than just having access to the church mailing list and passing out your business cards after mass.

Sir, I won't deny that I run a business providing service to people in times of need.

But I would never exploit my relationship to the church for marketing purposes.

Frankly, I would consider that to be a pretty grave sin.

No pun intended.

St. Bartholomew is an old church, a conservative church.

Church that doesn't need to have its boat rocked.

Which is precisely why I feel David is a good candidate.

How many men his age have values as strong as his?

I think he would be an excellent role model.

Are you married?

No, sir, I was engaged, briefly.

Is there anything else you'd like to tell me about yourself before I consider this?

No, sir.

Is there anything specific about me that you'd like to ask?

No.

I'll let you know my decision in a few days.

You impressed him.

You think?

Yes.

Oh, by the way, one of our parishioners recently lost her father to liver cancer, Sharon Murdoch.

I gave her your name, you may be getting a call.

Thank you.

Again with the not knocking.

Pack some things, we're going to San Bernardino.

What?

We're spending the night at my cousin Hannah's.

Mom, I'm doing homework.

Well, stop.

I have school tomorrow.

I'll write a note!

( Door slamming )

( Margaret ) You know, it's been such a long time since Brenda's wanted us to meet any of the men in her life.

( Bernard ) What was that last one, chiropractor?

He was a rolfer.

He was an idiot.

Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure Brenda ever meant for us to meet.

I don't think she really expected you guys to come home that day.

Oh, Nate.

Where Brenda's concerned, there are no coincidences.

You think she planned all this?

Of course.

She's a master manipulator.

I mean, I love her dearly, but you really ought to know what you're getting into.

Now, would you like another bourbon?

No thanks.

Can I ask you guys something?

As long as it doesn't involve asking us for money.

No, it doesn't.

Does the name "Nathaniel" have any significance to you?

Well, sure.

Nathaniel and Isabel.

Brenda adored these books as a little girl.

She could read by the time she was three.

What are they about?

Two orphans who had adventures.

They ran away from an orphanage, there was a malevolent nurse who was always hunting them down.

But they always managed to outsmart her.

Typical infantile wish fulfillment.

Hmm, I've never even heard of 'em.

They're British, quite dark.

People die in them all the time.

When Brenda's brother was born, we expected serious displacement anxiety from her, but there was none.

She would sit next to his crib and read him these stories for hours.

She was what, then, Vern, four?

Five at most.

It's all in the book.

This book?

You mean, she didn't tell you about that either?

I feel terrible.

I'm sorry I snapped at grandma.

Yeah, huh?

That was a pretty "freaky Friday" moment we had back there.

( Laughing )

Ruthie, I am so glad you called.

Ginnie and I would never allow ourselves this kind of food unless it were a really special occasion.

We are definitely gonna have to do an extra spinning class this week.

Tomorrow morning?

Who's teaching?

Derek.

Ooh, I'm so there.

Mom and I have the hugest crush on this spinning instructor at the Y.

He is hot, hot, hot.

So...

Claire, have you thought about college?

Yeah.

I'd love to go to like NYU or Columbia, but, I don't know if I could ever get in.

Well, there are some great schools in L.A.

Why would you want to go to school in the same town you grew up in?

I go to Cal State right here in San Berdoo.

Well, whatever rocks your boat.

Claire.

Hey.

I love it.

By living at home, I'm saving a ton of money for grad school.

I'm not stuck in some crappy dorm where everyone's smoking pot and playing loud music all the time.

And I don't have to call campus police every time I want to walk home from the library so that I don't get r*ped.

And I like to stay close to my mom.

That translates into I get to do her laundry.

Oh, that's not true.

I love my mom and I'm not ashamed of it.

Thank you, honey, I love you too.

Okay, anybody want more?

So, how was it?

Oh, it was quite informative.

I know what Nathaniel means now.

I know you have an IQ of 185.

I know you had a book written about you.

Here, I signed it for you.

Why didn't you just tell me about this?

People always change toward me after they read it.

I was just trying to make the fun part last.

Oh, god!

So, you're kind of scarily brilliant, I can handle that.

What I can't handle is the way you keep mind-f*cking me for your own personal entertainment.

And it's really starting to piss me off.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not some well-behaved little nothing that never challenges you, but if that's what you're looking for, you might as well just leave right now.

So, what, you're trying to drive me away?

Yeah, Nate, I'm trying to drive you away.

It was my mother's idea that I not be there.

Which is fine by me, I don't really enjoy their company.

She said it was your idea.

Yeah, she would.

She probably believes that, she's out of her f*cking mind.

You could've warned me what I was walking into.

You wouldn't have gone.

I just wanted to get it all out of the way.

Them, the book, everything.

Yeah, well, I felt like a f*cking lab rat over there!

Yeah, that's what they do!

I'm six years old, I score through the roof on some standardized, culturally biased test and it all becomes about them!

They hand me over to strangers, experts, a bunch of academic fucks who scrutinized everything I did or said, or thought, even.

It is a f*cking law of physics that the very act of observation changes that which is being observed.

And now you're gonna read that book and think that you know me.

Well, you know what? You don't.

Yeah, because you won't let me.

Okay, fine.

What do you want to know?

Ask me anything.

Did you burn down that house that we made love in?

You think I b*rned down the house?

( Laughing ) Really?

That is so weird.

What am I supposed to think?!

You put my brother and me in the bus that k*lled our father.

You get weird phone calls from screaming people that you won't explain.

And now you wanna make me feel stupid for being suspicious?

Give me a f*cking reason not to be!

I just want to know what this is...

For you.

Am I just another step along your way?

Okay, look...

We obviously have an intense sexual connection and yes, I would like for there to be something more than that.

But that can't ever happen until you trust me, which apparently you don't.

Should I trust you?

Yes.

Come here.

"R"

"A"

"K"

"E".

Whoo, triple letter score for "K", good one, mom.

H-E-L-L.

H-E-L-L-O.

Hello.

"D"

"E"

"F"

"T".

Deft.

What is deft?

Well, it's a laundry detergent from when Ruth and I were kids.

No, it's a word.

It means "skilled".

Really?

Use it in a sentence.

He deftly juggled his responsibilities.

Deft.

Huh.

Or "deft, where ith thy thing?"

( Laughing )

So, how you both doing?

You know, with Nathaniel passing.

Better every day.

You know, sh*t happens.

You know, it's such an awful thing, losing someone you love.

In terms of stress, it's right up there with moving and getting fired.

I know when ed and I split up, I was devastated.

I didn't even want to get out of bed.

I just wanted to curl up and die.

And all I can say is thank god for my precious daughter.

Well, I just wouldn't let her mope.

Just wouldn't let her.

Dragged her ass, pardon my French, out of bed and took her to spinning class with me.

And I hated her for it at the time, but it really got me back on track.

You know, endorphins really are nature's anti-depressants.

Life goes on, doesn't go on by itself.

Sometimes you just gotta kick it in the butt.

But ed didn't die.

He's still alive, you can still see him.

When Ginnie gets married, you'll both be there.

When she has children, they'll be able to know him.

He's not gone forever.

Yeah, well, sure, but...

In terms of the impact it had on both our lives...

It's similar.

Okay, I have the greatest idea.

You guys are coming to spinning class with us tomorrow morning, bright and early.

No offense, but I'd rather drive a rusty railroad spike through my skull.

Just try it once.

You might be surprised how it changes the way you feel.

I feel fine.

You know what, Ginnie?

That is absolutely an inspired idea!

Okay, ladies, let's get to bed because if your butt isn't on that bike by six A.M.

Derek doesn't let you in.

So, these tits do nothing for you, huh?

Well, I can appreciate that they are beautiful in their own completely artificial way.

Men loved them.

Well, real men.

You think god cares that you're gay?

You think god cares that you f*cked 30 guys at once?

Oh, so you equate being a f*g with being a whore?

No.

One's okay, but one isn't?

I think god appreciates it when there's love involved.

Oh, honey.

I loved every man I ever f*cked while I was f*cking him.

What are you doing?

Watching you.

Claire, wake up.

Get dressed.

Why?

We're leaving, hurry.

Jesus, mom, I'm starting to feel like Anne frank.

If we don't get out of here fast we'll have to go spinning.

Oh, my god.

( Whispering )

( Dog barking )

Thanks for buying me breakfast.

Thank you for finding my g-spot this morning.

Any time.

Oh, I have something for you.

Wow.

Oh, c'mon, it's just a key.

No, this is great.

I'm just a little surprised, that's all.

I'm too nervous to eat.

I'll just drink coffee until I start twitching and sweating.

Why does being a Deacon mean so much to you now?

It wasn't even a consideration for you a week ago.

I know you think it's naive, but I see it as a chance to make a difference, make the world just a little more tolerant.

David, we have our own church in west Hollywood.

Which means the other churches and dioceses don't have to tolerate us.

Frankly, I resent the notion that I need to be tolerated.

So, what, we should just allow ourselves to be ghettoized?

Why do you embrace an organization that doesn't embrace you?

The church embraces everyone.

Oh, yeah, right, hate the sin, love the sinner?

The operative word being hate.

What is with you?

The other night you said you liked the idea.

I had a chance to think.

Isn't that your brother?

Okay, look, can we just have breakfast without me feeling like I'm George will and you're Cokie Roberts with PMS?

You probably like George will.

Dave.

Uh, hi.

Hey.

Keith, you remember my brother, Nate, don't you?

How's it going?

Hey.

This is Brenda...

My...

My girlfriend.

I prefer the term "f*ck puppet".

So, what are you guys doing here, you just play racquetball?

No, no, we just worked out.

Oh, so, you guys work out together?

Yeah, yeah, we do.

Oh, well, that's great.

Okay, great.

Okay, you guys have a great day.

You too.

Bye, David.

Oh, my god, I think David is gay.

I think David is lucky.

Did you get a look at that guy?

Claire...

I had an affair.

For the last two years I was seeing someone.

Your father never knew about it, at least, I hope he didn't.

And I called it off after he d*ed.

It's not something I'm proud of.

Why are you telling me this?

Because it's the truth.

And whatever relationship you and I have, I want it to be honest.

Even if you hate me.

Mom, I don't hate you.

I remember going to the movies on Monday nights, but I'm 17 years old now.

And I have my own life.

And there's things I have to figure out on my own.

That's like, normal.

And I know stealing a foot is weird, but hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.

I gotta get to school.

Did you see his face?

Oh, man.

I know I shouldn't be laughing, but he just looked so stupefied.

The way he was all, "great, great, I'm hip, I'm cool."

Proud of you, man.

So, listen, this thing in Laguna is Saturday night.

I got us a room at "the surf and sand".

You ever been there?

Ah, no.

Man, it's gonna be great.

We got a fireplace overlooking the ocean.

Keith, I don't think I can make it after all.

I shouldn't miss church, not while they're considering me for a deaconship.

I'm sorry.

Fine.

We'll come back Saturday night.

That'll work.

I can go to church with you on Sunday.

That's not a good idea.

This hasn't been a good idea from the beginning, has it?

Fine, why don't we cut our losses and call it quits right now?!

What?

Look, as long as you feel the need to keep our relationship a secret.

David, you're ashamed of it!

I'm not having any of that, not anymore.

I just came out to my brother.

One step forward.

Now, you're gonna take a giant leap backwards right into the arms of the enemy.

So now I'm a n*zi collaborator?

A lot of African Americans might say the same thing about you being a member of the I.A.P.D.

You f*cking coward!

Keith, please don't...

( Music playing )

It works.

I must have left the stereo on again.

So, you are not too freaked out?

A little, maybe.

It certainly makes David more interesting.

No, I mean about me giving you a key to my apartment.

C'mon, what do you think I am, some sort of aging Peter Pan who's gonna disappear at the first sign of something a little more permanent?

Well, yeah.

You're one to talk.

You couldn't even allow me to refer to you as my girlfriend.

Don't mind me.

I thought we agreed that you would call before you came over.

I did, the hot water's out in my building.

I needed to take a shower.

Don't be mad at me.

You know I hate it when you're mad at me.

( Answering machine ) Hey, it's me.

I need to use your shower okay?

Besides, I haven't seen you in a while and it's a f*cking gorgeous day.

Satisfied?

I'm going to make a cup of tea.

Hey...

I'll take one of those.

Hey, you behave yourself.

Hi.

What's your name?

Nate.

Nice to meet you, I'm Billy.

Hi.

So, how long you known Brenda?

Ah, a few months.

So...

Who am I and why am I in your girlfriend's house practically naked?

Yeah.

She's my sister.

She's my mother... sister... my mother.

Sorry.

Nobody's ever laughed at that, I should know better.

It's nice to meet you.

So, you met the parents yet?

Yes, last night.

Wow.

You've made it pretty far.

So, why haven't I heard about you?

No idea.

Well, I guess I better go put some clothes on.

How'd you get her breasts synchronized?

Some sort of industrial epoxy?

Would you ask colonel Sanders for his secret recipe?

Oh, c'mon, I'm not gonna tell.

I stuck a can of cat food under each one.

My sister-in-law did a cat food commercial.

We've got like 10 cases.

Hey.

I'm Larry Wadd.

( Applause )

You know...

I met Viveca St. John before she even did her first video.

Yeah.

She was...

She was the fluffer on the set of "Dirty Larry 3".

She was... friendly, she was eager.

I can honestly say I've never received a better blow job in my life.

And nobody was even filming it.

( Applause )

( Female ) When I first met Viveca, I met her on "deep diving".

Thank you.

And I had never gone down on a girl before, so, naturally I was nervous, but Viveca was so warm and relaxed about it.

She really put me at ease.

Her and the two Xanax she gave me.

When I first had to do a double penetration, I was like a total wreck.

But Viveca came through like such the pro she is.

I mean was.

Nate, what the hell is going on in there?

A funeral.

For whom?

A prost*tute?

A woman who was a star of adult videos.

Mom, we're gonna clear like eight grand from this.

We can finally pay for all that air conditioning work.

I'm just glad your sister is at school.

It was awful.

They were like best friends.

They were both like cheerleaders for this totally plastic way of life.

Like, spinning class solves everything.

And they're both hot for the same guy, it was creepy.

My mom's...

My mom is just so f*cking sad.

I wish I could help her.

So, help her.

Now, Mrs. Murdoch, some people prefer the solemnity of a church and St. Bartholomew is a beautiful setting.

Here, however, one is more free to customize the service.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

I just had to tell somebody.

Viveca looks so great.

Her tits have never looked better.

She was like a sister to me.

I'm so glad that you're pleased.

We want to remember her at her very best, don't we?

I'm sorry, but I'm helping some other people right now.

Okay.

I'll talk to you after the service?

Okay.

I think we'll have dad's service at the church.

Fine.

I'm not a religious man.

But I do believe in god.

If I were to make a list of the things I thank god for the most...

f*cking Viv would be at the top of that list.

She was a g*dd*mn force of nature.

And I loved her and I know god loved her too.

I know he knew just what he was doing.

And how much joy...

She would bring to the world.

For David James Fisher, chosen Deacon in your church, we pray to you, oh lord.

( Congregation ) Lord, hear our prayer.

That he may faithfully fulfill the duties of this ministry, build up your church and glorify your name, we pray to you, oh lord.

Lord, hear our prayer.

That by the indwelling of the holy spirit he may be sustained and encouraged to persevere to the end, we pray to you, oh lord.

Lord, hear our prayer.

For all who fear god and believe in you, lord Christ, that our divisions may cease and that all may be as one as you and the father are one.

We pray to you, oh lord.

Lord, hear our prayer.

Way to go, Dave.

Now all I have to do is join the Kiwanis Club and Fisher & sons will have all our bases covered.

Where's Keith?

He's just a friend, Nate.

Very good to see you.

Hello.

So mom, what are you doing tomorrow night?

Nothing as far as I know.

Why?

I thought maybe you'd want to go see a movie or rent a movie or something.

Okay, but if you cry, the whole thing is off.

Thanks for coming today.

I know you must've found this all a little...

Are you kidding? I loved it.

All that pageantry, it's so trippy, it's like a Fellini movie.

Well, it was kind of cool being with you here.

In front of god and everybody.

You don't really believe in god, do you?

Well, yeah.

I mean, I don't believe in some bearded old white man up in a cloud, but...

I believe in something.

Some sort of undefinable creative force.

I think it's just all totally random.

Really?

Yeah.

We live, we die.

Ultimately, nothing means anything.

How can you live like that?

I don't know.

Sometimes I wake up so f*cking empty, I wish I'd never been born, but what choice do I have?