04x09 - Grinding the Corn

[bunniefuu]

( Male ) Hey, I could see if they need anybody part-time at the store.

Okay, you know something, Norbert, I need money!

My rent is like, three weeks overdue, and you're not helping...

You could sell something.

How about you just loan me some cashola from your "trust fund" instead?

You could sell me your entire

"Justice League of America vs. The Aliens" series.

A guy on eBay sold one last week for 500.

For the whole series?

That's bullshit.

Swear to god.

Dude, the auction was rigged.

And besides, I need more than that.

You want to know, what you could sell, that would pay your rent, for like, the next three months?

What?

"Blue twister, 1941, issue number one."

No, f*cking way.

Can't do it.

It's worth three-grand easy.

I know what it's worth, Norbert.

I'll give you 2500 for it.

You just told me it was worth three.

So, how bad do you want to pay your rent?

No way, I'm never selling it.

In fact, I'm going to be buried with it.

It's in my will.

Yeah, right. Aahh!

Larry, Larry?

Larry, you there?

Morning, fellas.

Good morning.

Morning, Nate.

Rough night?

A little rough.

I miss sleeping in my own bed.

I miss the boys, I miss Vanessa.

Not me, slept like a baby.

( Nate ) Dropped Maya off, over Bettina's with mom.

How's she doing?

Maya's fine, if you want to know how my mother is, she suggested that you call her and ask her yourself.

So, um...

When's she coming back?

I haven't the slightest idea.

Apparently, she still needs some "space".

What you do want her to come back home, though, right?

Of course.

Well, with all due respect, why don't you just get off your ass, go over there, eat as much crow as you have to, and bring her back home?

Because, that's just what she wants me to do and I'm not playing that game.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the way I'd play it.

You guys are more pathetic than I am.

I woke up in the middle of the night and you weren't there.

You were out here watching television again?

Yeah, I watched "jaws three".

I drank too much green tea and I kept having to get up to pee.

I'm so glad we're not doing that whole, "open relationship" thing anymore.

Me, too.

You are... really?

Uh-huh.

You're not just saying that because I said I'm glad?

No.

David, I have to come clean with you about something.

What?

I had sex with someone after we decided not to sleep with anyone outside the relationship...

But, we said we weren't gonna do that anymore.

I know, I f*cked up.

So, who did you sleep with, Javier?

No, Celeste.

Okay, bullshit.

I'm serious.

Celeste is a woman, isn't she?

She is.

But, I've slept with women before.

You know that.

You're serious?

You slept with Celeste?

It was just once, it was an accident.

You were walking by and you just happened to fall into her vag*na?

It just happened.

I'm sorry it happened, but it did, and I felt I should tell you.

You haven't secretly decided to switch teams, have you?

No, no way.

Okay, wow.

But, okay.

Edie?

Oh, what are you doing here?

Hello?

I'm Edie's friend, Anita.

I just needed to talk to her.

Is she, like, home?

Yeah.

Well, can I come in?

She doesn't want to talk to you.

Why the f*ck not?

She's just kind of over you for the moment, that's all.

Oh, I see.

Why?

Because you were a lesbian for about two whole minutes and then suddenly, you weren't.

On top of that, she said you got all, like, grossed out by her p*ssy... That's totally not cool.

Okay, for the record, I was not grossed out by her p*ssy.

Okay, p*ssy, per se, does not gross me out.

I just didn't know what exactly to do with it.

It wasn't personal.

It just didn't do it for me, you know?

I'll pass that along.

( Music )

No, we weren't related.

We used to work at Hi-De-Ho together.

Is that a grocery store?

It's a comic book store in Santa Monica.

Oh.

Did he have a family, someone locally or out of state, we could contact...?

We're pretty much it.

I guess that's why he designated me to be the executor of his estate.

We were all in the west-co blue twister society together.

Blue twister?

The guy who could turn into a human tornado?

Yeah, or sh**t smaller tornadoes from his fingertips with the strength of an f-5.

That's the strongest tornado there is.

His name was Alan Talbot and he was a scientist doing research in a machine he had invented called the Vortexicon.

It was a prototype for a nuclear powered particle accelerator.

Something went horribly wrong.

And he turned into the blue twister.

I just read it when I was a kid, I had no idea he had a society...

It was kind of an unofficial fan club.

Anyway...

He wanted to be buried with...

This.

It's issue number one from 1941.

It's extremely rare.

Extremely valuable.

The last thing he said, before the bookshelf fell on top of him, was that he wanted to be buried with it.

We were on the phone together, when it happened.

He made this noise like...

( Gurgling )

Then I hung up and called 911.

We're very sorry for your loss.

Oh, honey, that's terrific.

Marcie's lawyer poked so many holes in the case, the feds dropped all the charges.

Oh, wonderful!

Well, I don't like lawyers, but you give him a blow job, if you have to...

Ha, ha, okay, sweetie.

I'll talk to you soon.

Okay, bye.

Uh, that's a relief.

It certainly is.

You wanna help gramma fold laundry?

No.

No?

That's okay, you just sit there and be your adorable little self.

We should get out and do something today.

Okay, what?

I came up with the zoo.

Now, it's your turn to come up with something.

We could go to the park.

You've been here for two weeks, we've been to the park almost every single day.

Maya loves the park.

We've been through this already.

We're getting on your nerves, aren't we?

Yeah.

Would you like us to leave?

I didn't say that.

Are you sure?

Believe me, if I wanted you to leave, you'd know it.

Think big, Fisher.

Think different.

Something, "the sky's the limit".

I'm tired of coming up with all the ideas in this marriage.

This isn't a marriage.

It's starting to feel like one.

I don't suppose you want to go home and make up with your hubby?

I'm not ready.

What if I told Nate to take Maya back to day care for the next couple of days?

That's a start.

What would you like to do?

No, you're missing the point.

What would you like to do...?

George is always talking about his travels and...

I thought we'd have adventures together.

But, so far he hasn't taken me anywhere.

So...?

Let's go on a "road trip"!

Now, you're talkin'.

Where do you wanna go?

Some place exotic!

( Moaning )

God, I love you!

What, you can't handle that?

Come on.

You can't, can you?

God, c'mon, Bren, I just came over here to...

To what, f*ck my brains out?

You know what, you're right.

I can't handle this right now.

I need to know what you feel for me, Nate.

Do you feel anything?

Yeah, of course, I do, Brenda.

God, look, I just spent the past year dealing with losing somebody, okay?

Losing everything that I committed myself to.

You know, it wasn't even that good, when I'm perfectly honest with myself, so...

I don't want a...

But, you want me to be available for sex without...

No, I don't want anything, okay?

This is too f*ckin' intense for me.

I have a daughter now.

That is so lame.

What is lame about having a daughter?

Using it as an excuse.

Oh, god.

I could be part of both your...

No, you couldn't.

I have to go.

Yeah, fine go.

Look, I'm sorry...

Just go, go, go.

( Door closing )

( Female ) Hello?

Hey, Vanessa, it's me.

Hang on, Julio!

No, no, no, wait!

( Julio ) Hi, papi.

Hey, Julio...

I wasn't done talking to mommy...

She doesn't want to talk to you.

Oh, she doesn't?

No.

Okay.

How's my little man, huh?

Good.

Yeah, yeah.

When are you coming home?

Soon, soon.

Papi's just been really busy at work lately...

I love you, papi.

I love you, too.

Hey, baby.

Nice.

( Heavy breathing )

So, where are we going?

Rosarita Beach.

Mexico?

That's not too far, is it?

Four hours tops.

It's your trip, you're driving.

Okay, then you're the navigator.

I did all the research.

Wow!

I got a map from the Internet, and list of all the haciendas, and I made us a reservation.

It's the off-season and everything is reduced.

Yeah, what the f*ck, let's go to Mexico!

( Laughing )

It's not like, I have to cross a bridge every day.

I never have to cross Bridges.

But, I think about crossing them constantly.

You're talking metaphorically?

No, I'm talking about literal Bridges.

Did anything bad ever happen to you on a bridge?

No.

Did anything bad ever happen to someone you love on a bridge?

No, but, they collapse all the time.

If you Google, "bridge collapses" you get like, 1,000 hits.

And you're worried that if you crossed a bridge, it'll collapse?

Yes.

That's a phobia, Byron.

I know that.

I want you to try something for me.

I want you to imagine that you're walking down the street and you come to a bridge...

But I wouldn't, I would go around it.

This time you can't go around it.

Going around it is not an option.

I don't like this...

It's just a short bridge.

Just imagine, you're walking across it,

and it doesn't collapse.

Now, you're on the other side, safe and sound.

No, I'm not.

You're not?

No, halfway across, I jumped off.

Byron, are you taking any medication at the moment?

40 milligrams of Prozac.

Okay, well, I have to check in with my supervisor, Dr. Kee, okay, so, we'll be right back.

I don't think he's suicidal.

I think he's phobic and I think he has O.C.D.

I think you might be right.

I'll up his Prozac and see if that helps.

I'd like to address his behavior.

You want to force him to walk across a bridge?

No.

Yes, gradually.

You've got a real knack for this, Brenda, but, you can't just force someone who's phobic to face their fears.

Why not?

Because you have to be more patient than that.

Someone like Byron might never get over his phobia.

Then what is the point of continuing his therapy?

Well, maybe, it's the one thing that keeps him from jumping off a bridge.

I think we can do better than that.

Hey.

Hey, did you hear?

Hear what?

Professor pope, just got in a car accident.

She's dead?

No, no, she just suffered internal injuries, she's gonna be out for at least a month.

But, she's going to be okay?

Yeah, well, I mean, that depends on your definition of "serious internal injuries".

If she punctured her gall bladder, she'll be fine.

Apparently, we don't even need our gall bladder.

But, if it's her liver or her lungs or something more vital, it's not so good.

What if it was her labia?

Wouldn't that be totally tragic for her?

Why are you looking at me like I'm some kind of ret*rd?

Because I swear, Russell, sometimes you are.

And for your information labia are not internal organs.

Hello, everybody, my name is Billy Chenowith.

And I'll be your sub for the rest of the semester...

You know him?

Yeah, I do.

Until then, you guys are unfortunately mine.

Hey.

Oh, god, I feel so guilty.

Why?

For being alive.

Oh, Nate...

I just wanted Lisa gone, I just wanted her out of my life.

But, you didn't make it happen.

It should've been me.

Oh, god, no, no.

Nate, too many people love you and need you.

Your family, Maya.

I need you, I need you so much.

That's the problem.

You're so full of holes, you're this gaping bottomless pit of need.

You neurotic, tedious, self-absorbed, bitch.

( Honking )

Hey!

Move it!

f*ck off, you stupid bitch!

He turns waste into black gold, oil and gasoline.

( Male ) The amount of waste out there is enormous.

12 billion tons of solid waste produced each year in the United States alone.

( Female ) It takes the nation's dump trucks 323 million trips to carry all that trash.

But, some say there is more than rubbish in the landfills.

Brian, of hells company, believes there are riches, a renewable energy resource.

( Male ) We open this valve and the oil comes out from here.

( Female ) There turning waste into fuel and they've invented an ingenious new technology to do it...

Uh-oh.

Oh, that's okay.

That's okay, that's okay.

Life is a series of accidents...

One after another.

( Music )

Okay, well, now we know the reason it was so cheap.

It's a dump.

It's not a dump.

It's rustic.

It just needs a little maid service, that's all.

At least we can see the ocean.

Well, there's that.

Pew!

( Laughing )

I made a terrible decision and brought us to a horrible place.

Oh, come on, it's Rosarita.

I mean, we're in a foreign country, Fisher!

"Horrible" and "terrible" are two of the most underrated qualities when traveling in a foreign country.

"Horrible" and "terrible", often lead to fun and adventure.

Really and truly?

You know the saying, "you can't make chicken salad out of chicken sh*t"?

I don't believe I've ever heard that one.

Well, I'm here to tell ya, you can and I have.

Hmm.

So, I was in Patagonia for a while, it's unbelievable, how cheaply you can live down there, and then I got amoebic dysentery, yeah, and my Grant money finally ran out, so, I figured, time to head back to the states.

That's when I got the call from Dean Perelli, about filling in for Carolyn pope.

The fact that, Carolyn pope, is tenured blows my mind, what can I say, sh*t definitely rolls up hill.

What, you don't think she's any good?

Hmm, uh, well, she's strictly academic.

Muffin?

How's Brenda?

Hmm.

We haven't spoken in almost a year.

I guess you could say, we're officially "estranged".

What's going on with you?

I don't know, I guess I'm depressed, I don't think it's clinical, but...

I just can't seem to have a normal, healthy relationship with another person.

Get in line.

Nobody has normal, healthy relationships.

My theory, which I have yet to put into practice, is to pick someone slightly less crazy than you are.

( Laughing )

Society like, propagates this vision of people hooking up and staying together forever, when in reality, how often does that actually happen?

I think it all comes down to like, basic animal chemistry, and if you get the chemistry wrong, it's like, bleach and whatever that sh*t that makes bleach explode.

Right, I think it's ammonia.

Ammonia.

Yeah, I hear you.

You know, I think, like, you start out with whatever your f*cking parents and their sick-f*ck gene-pools stick you with.

Right...

But if you see enough shrinks for long enough, and you get your "cocktail" right, I think you can...

Get over yourself, have a life.

I wonder if there's a cocktail that can make you compatible with someone else.

I sure as sh*t hope so.

Dig in, guys.

These are mushrooms?

Giant portabellos, the best.

The fillet mignon of fungi.

If you wanted a fillet mignon, why not just eat a fillet mignon?

Do you know how many units of caloric energy it takes to make a single calorie of beef steak?

Ah, no, but I have a feeling you're about to tell me.

78 calories of fossil fuel for every calorie of beef protein.

The meat industry along with most of the agri-business in this country is completely and utterly unsustainable.

So, you're saying, we shouldn't eat meat?

Meat isn't the problem.

It's how far away from the table the food, whatever it is, is produced.

If it's produced locally, it's not just fresher, it's less wasteful.

I used to work at a food co-op in Seattle and we used to hunt for chanterelles.

I remember reading somewhere that mushrooms are grown in dung.

Everything organic is grown in dung.

What do you think fertilizer is?

These, I believe, were grown in sheep dung... in Ventura.

( David ) Evening, gentlemen.

David, would you care to join us for dinner?

George grilled up some giant portabello mushrooms.

And they were fertilized in sheep dung.

Uh... no thanks, I'm going home.

To my husband.

You guys have fun.

I know, it's a period piece and a presidential bio-pic, but look, what most people don't realize is that William Howard Taft, aside from being the fattest president ever, was also like this underdog and a rebel.

He was kind of like, the Eminem of his day.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, Sean Penn, would be totally awesome, but is he gonna be willing to put on 150 pounds?

Yeah, yeah, man, I gotta go, I'll check you later.

Hey, Bren.

Hey.

I haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah.

What can I do for you?

I need a little something.

Whatchoo want?

You want some brownies, kahuna, catch of the day?

What do you recommend?

The catch of the day is this pale green sh*t from up Mendocino.

It's very sticky, very nice, not too skunky.

Mmm, sounds good.

Thanks.

( Music )

( TV chatter )

What, we don't eat dinner together anymore?

I thought you were working late.

Well, I'm not.

I'm sorry, I just ate the last piece.

But you want me to fix you something?

No, I think I'll go to fat burger...

Alone.

( Door slamming )

You guys want to play 300 bridge?

No.

Not me, I'm gonna turn in early, I'm b*at.

I think I gotta give Maya a bath.

( Glass breaking )

What the hell was that?

Okay, whoever the f*ck you are, we can see you!

Yeah, and we've got a g*n!

And a phone, so, if you don't step out from behind those drapes...

We're gonna fill 'em full of holes!

Don't sh**t!

No sh**ting!

It's you?

You don't have a g*n.

No, but unless you got a good f*cking reason for breaking into our place of business...

I'm calling the cops!

What the hell is going on down here?

Where's Maya?

I put her in the playpen on the sun porch.

Run for it!

Ow!

I think you broke my arm!

What the f*ck are you doing in my house?

Get up.

You broke in here to steal your dead buddy's comic book?

It was his idea!

Shut up!

It's worth four-grand.

Maybe four-and-a-half.

And he wasn't my buddy.

I didn't even like him.

That's it.

I'm calling the cops.

Don't bother, Rico.

I don't care whether you liked him or not.

His last wish was to be buried with this thing and that's exactly what we're gonna do.

So, put it back!

Now, get the hell out of my house before I change my mind and call the cops.

I think you broke my f*ckin' arm, dude.

Nicely done.

Thank you.

( Music )

♫ in New Orleans Mardi Gras ♫

♫ when the one that you love is in the arms of another man ♫ oh, man, I gotta get out of here.

That's cool with me.

Hey, don't forget your "bag of tea".

This water isn't very hot.

It's a Luke-warm tub.

Have some of this?

I don't like Tequila.

You know that cold, rubbery lobster dinner we just ate?

It was probably seething with bacteria.

A couple of swigs of this and we won't be fighting all night over who gets to ride the porcelain bus.

( Laughing )

We've been in here over 10 minutes and it's not getting any warmer.

I have half a mind to complain to the manager.

Go for it, Fisher.

( Bells )

( Bell )

( Speaking Spanish )

Do you speak English?

Yes, how may I help you?

The heater in the jacuzzi doesn't seem to be working very well.

I'm sorry, we turn it off after sunset during the off-season.

My friend and I are paying guests of your motel, and we would like the heater on in the jacuzzi.

Whether or not it's the off-season is none of our concern.

You can turn the damned thing on or give us a full refund.

We can't give you a refund for the room, you've already checked in.

Then we'll check out, and I'll call the credit card company and have them refuse payment.

( Spanish music )

I'll turn the heater on in the jacuzzi.

But only for one-half hour!

Thank you very much!

I don't know what you did in there, but this baby is cooking like a lobster pot!

Gimme some more of that.

( Laughing )

Ay yay yay!

( Laughing )

( Music )

Wow.

What do you think?

I just remembered the first time I ever realized what dad really did in this house.

I had this dog, yippie, and I found him underneath my bed and he was already dead, so...

I wrapped him up in a blanket and I brought him downstairs to the prep room.

I thought maybe dad could fix him, you know, bring him back somehow.

Then I realized there were all these bodies down there...

And they were all dead.

And dad was fixing them, but he wasn't bringing anybody back.

He was just making them more...

Presentable.

I always thought they were so sad and alone in the dark down there, they just needed someone to come and sit with them.

Yeah, I thought that, too.

Sometimes I still do.

That's you.

That's me.

Where's dad?

He's not here.

Is this for class?

No, I'm not sure what it's for yet.

Maybe, it's just for me.

I love that little coffin refrigerator.

Thank you.

I mean, I still always think about acting out, but...

Now, when I get in the car and take a drive, instead of picking up a hooker, I just go to the Krispy Kreme.

( Laughing )

So, now, I'm addicted to Krispy Kreme.

40 pounds heavier.

Even my wife doesn't want to...

Excuse my French, f*ck me.

I'm sorry.

Someone here tonight reeks of marijuana.

It's not a.A.

No, but, it's still against the rules.

I think you should leave and come back when you're straight or sober.

You're right.

I'm sorry, but...

I really need to be here.

I'm...

I need to be here.

I'm really scared about what'll happen to me if I leave, so, please, don't make me leave.

Thank you.

( Music )

Hey, buddy boy.

♫ Make a little dream worthwhile ♫ yippie's dead.

Can you fix him?

I'm sorry, kiddo, but I can't.

I'll tell you what we can do, though.

We can give him a real nice send-off.

♫ Smile

♫ a smile is meant to give away ♫

♫ give 100 every day

now, we need something of yours to put in with him.

He has my blanket.

Something more personal.

I know... why don't you climb in with him?

That way he'll never be lonely.

Nate, I'm sorry.

But I have to take something with me.

Being alone for all eternity sucks like you wouldn't believe.

I need something really personal, like a piece of me.

I've decided, it should be Maya.

No.

Nate, you know what dad used to say?

We all have to go sometime.

Who are you supposed to be?

Death man.

I wanted to be "the grim reaper" but, the folks at marvel already had a copyright on it.

Sorry, kiddo, they're all coming with me.

I could stay if you want me to...

Yes.

Nobody stays.

Including you.

( Barking )

Sit.

( Sneezing )

Ooh, I'm allergic to dogs.

( Laughing )

Now, there's the man I married.

Who wants the end piece, hmm?

Honey?

Buddy boy.

He liked a lot of things.

His comic book collection, of course.

"The lord of the rings" trilogy.

Every movie that Halle Berry was in.

Except "monster's ball".

For some reason, he didn't like "monster's ball".

It's like, these guys hit 15 and got stuck in some kind of time warp.

It's kind of scary, isn't it?

It's just depressing how alienated they all look.

Well, from us maybe, but...

Look at them, they're a community.

This is who they are.

( Sniffling )

Are you crying?

No, no.

Okay, you know something?

You're acting like a serious freak.

Maybe, I am a serious freak.

I don't know what the hell is going on with me.

( Laughing )

( Laughing )

( Spanish music )

Isn't this beautiful?

A beach full of horse apples, Fisher.

( Laughing )

You want to know what I think?

I think you should just move on.

You do?

How long were you two together?

Since high school.

That's a long time.

I know a lot of mammals mate for life, but most primates don't.

We're human beings, not primates.

We share 98.8% of the same D.N.A. As a chimpanzee.

We're more closely related to them than they are to gorillas.

Maybe your time with her is over.

You're young enough, just go find another one.

Oh my god, you guys folded my undies.

That is so f*cking sweet.

Is she still living here?

Evidently.

I thought Edie and Anita were supposed to be here.

They were supposed to be, but they're not.

I think it's because of me.

I thought we were gonna take pictures.

Dude, nobody brought a camera.

Here...

Feed the pigeons.

This sucks.

You want to go see a movie?

Not really.

You wanna get something to eat?

I'm not hungry.

Yeah, me neither.

We could drive over to LACMA, check out the arbus exhibit.

Why don't you go ahead, and then, report back to us.

Okay, maybe I will.

Later.

So... I heard something.

What did you hear?

It was from Edie and Anita.

Oh?

They said something about you never having an orgasm.

Actually Edie did a piece on it, last night at "nuts and jolts".

She did?

"A straight girl wanted to eat my p*ssy bu then she changed her mind."

She said that?!

Verbatim.

It was kinda cool, though.

Oh god, I am so f*cking embarrassed right now.

Don't be.

Yeah, that's easy for you to say.

No, listen, really, don't be.

Is it true, though?

Yes, I changed my mind.

No, I meant about the orgasm.

Because if it is, it's totally cool.

Believe me, most of the women that I've been with have had a hard time.

But I heard about this like, new technique, and I've been looking forward to trying it out.

Would you like me to try it out with you?

Okay.

♫ Drama queen

I was watching that.

Too bad.

What, are you trying to pick a fight with me?

Maybe I am.

Look, if this is about Celeste, I thought we were okay with that.

We were, now we're not.

You can't just be okay with something and then not be okay with it, for no reason.

Maybe I've had time to think it through and it's not digesting well.

Well, take a tums, why don't you?

I f*cked sarge!

Who?

The veiny guy from La Habra.

Who didn't secretly want me to have women's breasts!

Wait, when did you f*ck the veiny guy from La Habra?

After we agreed not to f*ck anybody outside the relationship!

Then, why would you ask me not to f*ck anybody outside the relationship, if you were gonna just turn right the f*ck around and f*ck somebody yourself?

I don't know!

Because, I didn't want you to f*ck anybody else!

And I wasn't planning on f*cking anybody else, either!

Well, how is that fair?

Because I knew that I could do it without it meaning anything.

Believe me, I can do it without it meaning anything, too!

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, that I wouldn't do it if it meant anything.

Because I love you.

You are not getting off that easy.

Look, I f*cked Celeste, you f*cked veiny guy from la Habra!

Tit for tat, we're even.

Okay, you don't get to say the word "tit" to me, ever.

I'm taking a shower.

Yeah, well, don't blow anybody while you're in there.

( Music )

Wow.

Pretty good, huh?

Oh, my god.

You know what it's called?

It has a name?

"Grinding the corn".

"Grinding the corn"?

What's the "corn"?

You know, with like, a mortar and pestle?

Only you push the pestle against the rim of the mortar, not in the bowl.

Oh.

( Laughing )

Yeah.

( Knocking )

Is he going to be okay?

It's not my fault, is it?

Of course not, Fisher.

There was probably something wrong with it.

Lamento mucho, El cabello, El es muy viejo y muy enfermo.

( g*nsh*t )

( Crying )

I think I'd like to go home now.

( Horse neighing )

( Spanish music )