23x02 - Band in China

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Randy:
♪ Goin' down to Tegridy Farms,
gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere

♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to Tegridy Farms,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ There's ample parking
day or night ♪

♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor" ♪

♪ I'm headin' down
to Tegridy Farms ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind

Towelie:
♪ I got some weed and I don't
know what's going on ♪

Randy: ♪ So come on down
to Tegridy Farms ♪

♪ And meet some friends
of mine ♪

♪♪

[ Humming ]

Stan! Family meeting!
Get downstairs!

I'm writing a song, Dad.

Nobody cares about that!

Come on!
I've got big news!

[ Laughing ]

Sharon, Shelley!
Hurry! I've got it!

What is it, Randy?

You guys... I've just had
the greatest idea ever.

We're gonna move back
to our old house?

No! I've been trying
to figure out

how to make more money
selling weed.

And last night
it came to me.

We could grow the family
business by selling Tegridy...

to the Chinese.

[ Angelic chorus ]

I did a little research.

Turns out there's a lot
of people in China.

If we can get like 2% of that
market to buy our weed,

we'd make millions
of millions of dollars.

I'm flying
to China tomorrow.

I've got to get in on this
before anyone else thinks of it.

Tomorrow?

Randy, are you forgetting about
this Saturday?

What's this Saturday?

Autumnfest?
Stan's concert?

He and his little friends have
been rehearsing all week.

A lot of people in town are
coming out to support him.

Everyone but you.

Everyone?

Stan, you need to wear

your Tegridy T-shirt
at the performance.

Aw, come on, Dad!

Stan, they're available
on Amazon starting Friday,

so you could really help promote
the family business

while I'm gone!

But then again,
I guess family doesn't mean

all that much to you.

♪♪

Both: ♪ Tumbleweeds
and squirrels, my darlin' ♪

♪ Tumbleweeds and squirrels

Yeah.

Okay, that was
the South Park Sounderoos.

Thanks again to Kate and Earl!

Alright,
up next we have four of

our local South Park fourth
graders who have formed a band!

Let's hear it for Stan Marsh
and Crimson Dawn!

[ Applause ]

Hi, Stanley!

Oh,
there's our Butters!

Oh, Butters!
Oh, aren't they cute!

Um, hi.
We're Crimson Dawn,

and um, this is a song
I wrote about

living out in the country
on a farm.

Alright, f-f-fellas,
just like we rehearsed it.

And a one and a two
and a --

[ Hardcore death metal playing ]

[ Screams ]

♪♪

[ Growling ] ♪ Fate is over,
open your eyes ♪

Get me off this farm!

♪ There is no hope,
no second chance ♪

♪ All the elders saw,
the fall of the sky ♪

♪♪

♪ Pride and glory

♪ To touch the sky
we've b*rned the earth ♪

♪ Built our own infirmity

[ Chime dings ]

First time
goin' to China?

No, not really.

It's my first time.

I'm goin' out to try and drum up
a little business.

What are you
headin' out for?

I work for
a clothing company.

We're trying to
break into the market

And get the Chinese people
as customers.

Oh. [ Chuckles ] Hey.
[Bleep] you.

Huh?

I -- I had that idea
like three days ago.

So what?

So when did you
come up with it?

Oh, hey, Mitchell.
You're on this flight?!

Yeah, that's so funny.
I'm working for Google now,

overseeing the expansions
into the Chinese user base.

Yeah,
I'm still with the NBA.

Doing some press
with the players

to try to get more
Chinese viewers.

Oh, for Christ's sake!

You have a good idea
and everyone wants to copy you!

Fine. I can handle
some healthy competition.

Who else wants to go to China
and get some of their money?

Oh, for crying' out loud.

[ Thump! ]

Let me guess,
you work for a company

trying to get Chinese people
as customers.

Wow, where'd you get
that idea?

It's okay. It's okay.

I'm sure there's plenty of
Chinese people for all of us.

[ Hardcore death metal music
playing ]

[ Growling ]
♪ Searching, wandering

♪ Looking for
the perfect specimen ♪

♪ Still pure
Hate this farm!

♪ Immature
I hate this farm!

♪ Acknowledged sickness
concealed, swaggering! ♪

♪ Unseen
Hate this farm!

♪ Wandering
I hate this farm!

♪ Looking for
the perfect specimen ♪

Okay, okay.
Wait, uh, hang on, guys.

Very good, boys!

I heard you play
at Autumnfest.

I really like your sound.

Who are you?
Well, I'm a producer.

I manage all the big rock bands
in South Park.

PC Babies...

all of them.

You manage the PC Babies?

Holy smokes, fellas,
they're huge!

You want to sign us
so we can make a record

and I can move
away from here?

Records? What are you kids,
from the '90s?!

{\an1}There's no money in albums or
singles or even tours anymore.

{\an1}What we need to focus on...

is your biopic.

Biopic? You want to make
the Crimson Dawn biopic?

PC Babies' biopic came out
last week.

Made over $100 million.

Wow-ee!

Mrph rmh rmphm?

I'll just let you guys
think on it.

But don't take too long,
huh?

[ Woman speaking indistinctly
on PA ]

[ Speaks Mandarin ]

Hello. Howdy.

I'm a small business owner
from the United States.

You guys know
any money people here?

Can I give you guys my card?

I'm just starting to grow
my business here in China.

[ Speaks Mandarin ]

What is this, sir?

Oh, that? That's weed.

Marijuana.

You know...
[ Breathes deeply ]

[ Speaks Mandarin ]

Oh, here we go.

Jay shi daamaa
Tegridy Weed.

Whoa! Oh, hey!
Everything alright?

What's going on?

Oh, hey, d-don't forget
my suitcase!

{\an1}C-Could you grab my suitcase?

All my weed is in there!

Excuse me?

Jay shi damaa!

Record Producer:
What makes a band truly great?

It's a desire to be heard.

And a commitment
to a three-act structure

{\an1}that has a 20-minute setup,

about an hour and a half
of conflict,

and a big,
triumphant resolution.

So let's start at the beginning,
g*ng.

When did your band
first form?

Um, it was about two weeks
ago --

Yeah, it was about
two and a half,

three weeks ago,
I'd say --

I hadn't seen
my friend Kyle,

{\an1}and I hate living on a farm
so I started writing songs.

That's good, that's good!

Lost a close friend.

{\an1}Put loneliness into lyrics.

Yeah, and Stan came to me
and I said,

"Well,
I can play the drums --"

But -- But he'd already asked me
to play the drums.

So, yeah, I said,
"Okay, I'll play guitar."

Inner conflict over
direction of band, good.

Oh, and then Kenny
learned to play bass

watching YouTube videos of
John Lennon with the Dalai Lama.

Oh, oh, yeah, no, no,
we don't want to go there.

{\an1}Talking about the Dalai Lama

doesn't go over well
with the Chinese.

The -- the --
the what?

Look, for this movie
to really make money,

we need to be sure it clears
the Chinese censors, you know?

We want
those Chinese viewers!

-Aw, seriously?
-Oh, it's okay.

{\an1}There's plenty of other things
to talk about with your story.

How about --
What kind of things

were you into
when you were younger?

Well, I always liked
Winnie the Pooh!

Oh, no, no, no, no no no,
that's definitely off limits.

Winnie the Pooh
is illegal in China

because
some Chinese students said

he looked like
the Chinese President.

Aw, come on.
That's ridiculous.

Hey, you want to move away
from your family, right?

You want to be successful
on your own, right?

Yeah...

Alright, well,
you know what they say --

You got to lower your ideals
of freedom

if you want to suck on
the warm teat of China.

{\an1}[ All chanting in Mandarin ]

[ Machines whirring ]

[ Zapping ]
[ Groans ]

"I am a proud member
of the Communist Party.

The Party is more important
than the individual."

{\an1}[ Man pleading in Mandarin ]

[ Water dripping ]

Winnie the Pooh:
Oh. Hello, there.

Who -- Who's there?

Nobody.
Just a bear.

I was wondering
since you're new,

if you might
have some honey.

No,
I don't have any honey.

Are you prisoners here?

Some people said Pooh looked
like the Chinese P-P-President,

so we're illegal
in China now.

Jesus.

What kind of mad house
is this?

[ Speaking Mandarin ]

[ Speaking Mandarin ]

Your Honors,
I'm just a simple farmer,

from a simpler time.

Now, I'd never been to China
before, but I hate to say,

I'm a little disappointed
in all of you.

With what I've seen,

you -- you seem to treat
your people like dirt.

You don't believe in
any individual freedoms.

I mean, you've got
Winnie the Pooh and Piglet

in jail?

Now, come on, China!

You know, a country ain't
nothing unless it's got

decency and integrity.

{\an1}And I think I speak for Pooh
and Piglet and all of Disney

when I say you could use some
Tegridy, China!

Now, it just so happens
that I...

own a Tegridy farm.

And I think I might be able
to work out a deal

for all you nice folk.

[ Bell rings ]

This is so awesome,
you guys!

Our band
is gonna be huge!

Yeah,
and we're gonna be rich!

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Yeah,
isn't it just great?

Hey, what's wrong,
Jimmy?

Fellas,
I need to tell you something.

I think I'm h*m*.

And also,
I'm addicted to cocaine.

Oh, that's okay, Jimmy.

Yeah, we can get you
a liver transplant.

Record Producer: Cut! Cut!

Listen, guys, we, uh,

just got word back
from the Chinese censors.

They don't want us mentioning
organ transplants.

How come?

{\an1}Well, they've been accused of
harvesting organs from the --

L-Look, it doesn't matter.

They -- They just said no
to the organ stuff.

Oh, and, uh,
no h*m* either.

No h*m*?! We're trying
to do a band biopic!

Yeah, and what's wrong with
h*m*, anyways?

Nothing!

Unless you want to make
money in China.

Now, come on.
Everyone back to one!

{\an1}[ Indistinct conversations ]

Alright,
who's the assh*le?

Which one of you
decided to go and start

badmouthing
the Chinese government?!

Who here thought
they had permission

to say anything critical
of Chinese politics?!

Well, it is true, sir.

The Chinese seem to exploit
their own people

with forced labor that --
Shut the [bleep] up, Thor!

You're here to flex
and not think, ya [bleep] bitch!

Please, Mr. Marsh was only
standing up for me and Piglet.

Because we were
political prisoners.

You are
a fat diabetic bear,

and if the Chinese
don't want you,

then I don't either!

Now, who the [bleep]
is Mr. Marsh?!

Oh, uh, that's me.
Randy Marsh.

Who is this?
I don't know you.

Are you from Pixar?

No,
I'm from South Park.

What's South Park?
Do I own that?

Man: No, not yet, sir.

You're telling me
[Chuckles]

that I'm losing
Chinese customers

because of some shithead that's
not even from my company?!

Hey,
hold on a minute!

You really think that business
should be run

through intimidation
and fear?

Whatever happened to
old-time values?

You already have business
with the Chinese.

You have all the connections
money can buy.

But there's one thing
you don't have...

And that's Tegridy.

Now,
it just so happens...

Boys, I understand you've got
a band here at the school?

Yeah,
what's wrong with that?

Well, boys,
it seems to me

{\an1}like your music is kind of...

angry, m'kay?

I mean it's really loud,
m'kay. and it's a little angry.

Yeah, because I hate living on
a farm 30 miles outside of town!

Yeah, tell him, Stan!

I can't stand
my dad anymore!

And if I want to do death metal,
I can! It's a free country!

Record Producer:
Cut! Cut, cut! Cut!

{\an1}Uh, kids, let's not say anything
about this being a free country.

Aw, come on!

Hey, these guys
were nice enough

to come all the way
from China

to help us
with our standards.

We can at least
listen to their notes.

Oh. Oh, ok--
okay, okay.

Actually, g*ng, when need to
rewrite the whole second act.

But that'll take forever.
Come on, guys.

Everyone else is fine with China
approving our entertainment.

Even the PC Babies
don't seem to mind.

And PC Babies cry about
everything!

You just got to rewrite
the script

{\an1}before we continue sh**ting.

Go back to your room
and just write your story.

It has to come
from your heart.

{\an9}♪♪

[ Mickey Mouse
speaking Mandarin ]

[ Inhales deeply ]

It's like -- It's like
they didn't even want to listen.

They didn't listen
at all?

[ Inhales deeply ]
But why not?

It's the bear.

They're still pissed off
about the bear.

But for what?

Some Chinese people
on the Internet

started posting pictures
of their President

as Winnie the Pooh.

It's a real thing.
Look it up.

Man, this is
really good sh*t.

So what if we took their side,
then?

What if we showed China
that we understand how they feel

to be made fun of
on the Internet?

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Owl hoots ]

Record Producer:
Remember, write your story.

The script has to come
from your heart.

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Speaks Mandarin ]

[ Sighs ]

Now I know how all the writers
in Hollywood feel.

[ Laughs ]

[ Speaks Mandarin ]

{\an9}♪♪

My goodness, Pooh,
China sure is a big p-p-place!

Yes, Piglet, it is.

Too big, I think,
to find what I need.

Excuse me.

Huh?

Would you happen to have
some honey?

[ Speaks Mandarin ]

Oh, bother.

This just doesn't seem
a place for a bear.

Wait! Pooh! L-L-Look!

Oh! Piglet!

What wonderful luck!

Ohhh!
What delicious honey!

I would like to share,
Piglet,

perhaps
I will share.

In just a few more slurps
I can --

Waah!

[ Choking ]

W-W-What are you do--
What -- No! Ohh!

[ Choking ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Breathes heavily ]

I can't do it any more,
you guys.

I can't even think
with the Chinese government

censoring
everything I write.

So there's not gonna be
a biopic movie for us?

It's so wrong,
you know?

I mean, we live in a time
where the only movies

{\an1}that us American kids go see

are ones that are
approved by China.

Yeah, it's like China
is the new MPAA.

{\an1}Stinks to say goodbye to all
that biopic money and glory.

We just got to face it.

A death metal band is never
gonna make real money anymore.

The only band that would get
approved by China

would be
all vanilla and cheesy.

I'm going to have to live on
that [bleep] farm forever.

Kyle!

Dude, you're back!

Yeah, the migrant detention camp
was cool

but it kind of rubbed Kyle
the wrong way.

Anything happen
while we were gone?

{\an1}Not really, we just almost had a
biopic made for our band but --

Wait a minute...
Wait. Vanilla and cheesy.

I've got it!
I've got it!

[ Cheers and applause ]

{\an9}♪♪

{\an9}♪♪

♪ Bang, bang

♪ Bang, bang

♪ Fingerbang, bang

♪ Bang, bang, bang

♪ I'm gonna fingerbang bang you
into my life ♪

♪ Girl, you like to fingerbang
and it's alright ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the king of
fingerbang, let's not fight ♪

Cut. Cut!
Cut!

This is all wrong!

No, it's good, kids.
They're loving it.

Yeah, but I can't sell my soul
like this.

I want to get away from that
farm. more than anything.

But it's not worth living in
a world where China

controls my country's art.

[ Speaks Mandarin ]

I don't care
how many people you have.

I've got something in me
that just won't

let me be a part
of all this.

Yeah. Whatever it is,
I've got it too!

All: Yeah!

I want to be proud
of who we are, guys.

And anybody who would
betray their ideals

just to make money in China
isn't worth a lick of spit.

♪♪

Us Chinese people
have always liked things

the old-fashioned way.

We like things
a little simpler,

a little quieter.

And now, there's a new weed

that goes along with
China's b*ating heart.

Because after a hard day
of forced labor,

or gettin' b*at for
criticizing the government,

we all could use a little time

with some good ol'
Rocky Mountain weed.

It's the soul of
the American West,

right here in mother China.

All hail the Communist Party.

And all hail Tegridy Weed.

♪♪

♪♪

Well, g*ng, looks like
the family business

is starting to really
turn the corner.

I don't know about you,
but I for one

think the world is going to be
a better and safer place

now that China
finally has Tegridy.

Dad, why are you covered in
honey and blood?

Dad, did you k*ll
Winnie the Pooh?

Winnie the Pooh,
Winnie the Pooh...

Oh, yeah, I did
k*ll Winnie the Pooh.

Where are you going,
Stan?

I'm going to go write
another song about you.

Oooh, about me?!

Make sure it talks about me
bringing Tegridy to China!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪