05x04 - What Money?

[bunniefuu]

What is it about morning boners?

Yeah, it's not the boner.

It's that my haunches
are fresh and rested.

Like when you take
a thoroughbred to the track

first thing in the morning,
fastest time of the day.

What?

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.
Jimmy, I think it's time.

No. No, not today.

- You promised me you would do this.
- I don't feel good.

Is that the message you want
to give your bride, Jimmy?

That you're not willing
to do something

that is extremely, extremely
important to me?

Fine. I'll taste my come.

Yay!

What do you think, Jimmy?
Do you hate it? Is it gross?

Do you think it's gross, Jimmy?
What do you think, Jimmy?

It's like... salty fruit glue.

Exactly.

Oh.

My Lyft is here.
I'm gonna hop in the shower.

What? They're not gonna
just wait for you.

You tell them you're
in a wheelchair.

Then they legally have to wait
as long as you want.

Wait, have you just been
Lyfting everywhere

since you wrecked your car?

I can't drive, Jimmy.

Every time I close my eyes,

I see that cement mixer
bearing down on me.

You faked it, you psychopath.

Oh.

Whoa. I'm starting
to believe my own lies.

Oh, my God! You love it!

No! No, I do not.

What? You're lapping it up
like it's soft serve.

I-I...

I was making sure
that it just tasted as weird

as I thought it did.

You just Oliver'd your own come.

"Please, sir,
may I have some more?"

You said it was
important to you!

When I was watching,
not on your own,

like some come-hungry
jizz-goblin.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

Brilliant,

absolutely brilliant.

Gretchen,
something amazing's happened!

What?
You come back for thirds?

What?

Library card.
I just got a library card.

Not exactly amazing news,
but you're on a come high.

I've been there.

What?

How's someone in a wheelchair
supposed to walk to their ride?

Come on, Jimmy, think.

Lindsay, you have
your own office.

I do? Awesome.
Does it have a sex toilet?

Here's your breakfast,
Ms. Cottumaccio.

Hmm. Apparently,
I have an office,

so I'll need some supplies.

Uh, kitty posters
with inspiring quotes,

finger paints, a sex toilet,
popcorn machine, etcets.

Who are you?

He's my new assistant.

I'm actually your assistant.

I have an assistant?

Dismissed.

So, what do Sam and the boys
think about me

being their whatchamacallit,
paleontologist?

Publicist.

I haven't told them yet.
Sam takes rejection really hard.

Mm, we should do it someplace
fun to soften the blow,

like the beach or a rub 'n tug.

Good idea,
but I have to do it alone.

Meanwhile, you need to focus

and learn how
to actually do the job.

Fine, but for the record,

I really only took this gig
to be closer to you,

since you're ditching me
to become a stupid wife.

Literally nothing will change

except that my debt
will be on the J-dog

and the beejays will
slow to a trickle

because... come on.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm. I'm glad you called me.

You're not the only person
to make a foolish purchase

upon receiving
their first big check.

Why, when I received my first

stout remittance,

I went absolutely cuckoo

and purchased a 20,000-piece
puzzle of the Eye of the Sahara.

That was a decadent three weeks.

Anyway, the puzzle
we're focused on today

is called,
"Jimmy's financial future."

Yeah, I was really
just thinking about,

like, opening a CD or something.

Jimmy. You're asking
for flank steak

when I'm about to offer you
dry-aged Wagyu.

$700,000 is a robust start.

Assuming a continued
upward career trajectory,

you'll be part of
the one percent in no time.

Can you imagine? Me?

A one-percenter.

Cabins in Aspen,

golf with corrupt politicians,
an embarrassing car collection

kept in some Van Nuysian
airport hangar.

Now you're getting it.

I mean, I've always felt elite.

You know, when Gretchen said
that she...

Oh, dear. Does Gretchen
know about the money?

Not-not yet, but...

- Quick, give me a dollar.
- What? Why?

Just do it!

Okay.

Phew. We've now established
confidentiality.

Do you know
about Gretchen's debt?

Yeah, but how do you?

She's tried to open countless
credit cards in my name.

Gretchen's what we call an S.D.,
a Super Dependent,

like Rob Kardashian, or a dog
whose back legs don't work.

Are you saying that
I should never tell Gretchen

- about the money?
- As someone who believes

in complete honesty
between romantic partners,

I would say hiding something
like this is not recommended.

- Yeah.
- As your financial advisor,

I would say, "What money?"

Well, back to the office.

- Edgar.
- Jimmy.

It's my abuelita.

She's sick, Jimmy.

Why are you telling me?

I can't help her.
I don't have any money.

Oh. Thank God you believed me.

I just need an excuse to get
out of work because yesterday

Paul F. Tompkins made me drink
two liters of split pea soup.

But also, geez, loud and clear.

Edgar. I was just
picking up breakfast.

I hope you like cronuts.

Oh. That's right, you don't.

Maybe you'll have a few anyway?

Oh, that's actually
what I was calling about.

It's... my... grandma.

She's really sick.

We-we don't know
how much longer she has.

So, I can't come in to work.

Oh, my gosh, I had no idea.

Take as much time as you need.

Oh, thank you.

Please. And let us know if
there's anything we can do.

I will.

Well, he seems like a monster.

Gosh, maybe I've just been
too sensitive.

I mean, a good fireworks display
does make you cry.

So, yeah, probably.

Hmm.

Ugh, what's wrong with you?

- Have you seen Vernon?
- I try not to.

Oh, Jimmy.
I'm so worried about him.

With the embarrassment
of his medical license

being suspended
and losing the house,

not to mention Tallulah's eye
really going downhill,

he's a wreck.

He left this morning without
his phone or his wallet, Jimmy.

Becca, trust me. Vernon is far,
far too stupid to be suicidal.

Really?
I hope you're right.

Could I take a shower?
Lindsay's water got shut off.

- Two minutes, but purely for hygiene.
- Mm-hmm.

No sighing in relief
and no steam.

Debase me, Jimmy,
like old times.

I'm at rock bottom.

Use my body so that
I might feel something.

Uh, while I do find
Alcoholic Housewife Cosette

to be a good look for you,

I'm gonna have
to issue a hard pass.

Please, just hold me, then.

Ah. Jesus, woman.

Let's not snot up
the linens now.

Gotcha.

Oh.

Paul told me
you're loaded.

And if you don't slice me off
a hunk of that cheddar,

then this photo goes straight to
your precious little fiancée.

Checkmate, asswipe.

That's your big play?

Please, she'd think
it's hilarious.

I'll do it! I swear I will!

By contrast,
a good play would be,

just off the top of my head,

my declaration that if
you don't pay me $500...

I'll send this picture

to that horrid mother of yours
so she'll know

that her own daughter
lied to her

about having a vaginal birth.

I will Venmo you.

Ok at me!
I'm flying, b*tches.

Stop flapping your arms.
You're gonna hurt someone.

I'm Honey Nutz!

♪ So I be break-breakin'
hea-hearts ♪

♪ Pops told me to watch my hos ♪

♪ Oh, at the rainbow
there may not be a pot of gold ♪

♪ No freein' myself
from cutie pies on the jock ♪

♪ I warn ya
but like a fugitive... ♪

Who's ready for the piñata?

- Oh, me first!
- Oh, yeah. Wait, I'll take that.

- Give me that stick.
- Isn't this great?

- Aren't you guys having fun?
- Hmm.

I'm sorry.

I know you told me
not to say anything,

but we need to talk
about Honey Nutz.

What is there to talk about?

There's a clown.

Wh-Where is Zachary?

I don't know
anyone named Zachary.

He says hi.

I can't believe
you rebooted Honey Nutz.

Bitch, do you know how much time

I spent building that character?

You think I'd give that up

just 'cause Honey Nutz One
aged out?

This is weird, right?

So, uh,

anyways, did I tell you guys
about my promotion?

Wh-What's wrong?

This is precisely how my parents

told me they were
getting divorced.

They thought it wouldn't hurt
as much over mini golf.

Now every time I see a windmill,
I throw up.

That's why I can never
go to the Netherlands.

Come on.

Gretchen wouldn't throw us
a carnival to give us bad news.

She's not a monster.

Guys, this is good news.

- You're dumping us.
- I'm not dumping you.

So we can still call you
whenever?

Absolutely.

You just call
your new point person,

and they'll loop me in
if it's an emergency.

And who is our new point person?

Lindsay. Isn't that amazing?

I knew it!
You're abandoning us.

Bitch! I hate you!

Your work has long been subpar,
but this still stings.

All right, Edgar.

I need to ask your advice
on something.

Hold it.

Hold that thought.

Hello, Mr. Tompkins.

Edgar, there's the face
I wanted to time with.

Any update on Abuelita?

Sadly, yes.

She's taken a turn
for the worse.

That's curious.

Because she looks
just fine to me.

Um, I'm sorry, can...
can you repeat that?

I said your abuelita
looks just fine to me. See?

Hola, mi tesoro.

Your friend Paul is so nice.

It's a miracle, right?

One minute she's taking a turn
for the worse,

the next she's headed
to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles

with the nicest guy in comedy.

We're getting waffles
with chicken, Edgar.

So, since she's had
this miraculous recovery,

I guess you can make it
into the office after all.

Don't eat before.
We'll order in.

So, I got this huge check.

And you know the saying:

"mo' money, mo' issues
with which to contend."

If I tell Gretchen,

then it will naturally change
our power dynamics.

I will be perceived

as an authority figure,
and then Gretchen will resist

because she hates authority.

I mean, I don't want to be.

The Man in our relationship.

Oh, that last part
came out weird.

You did just hear
that Paul F. Tompkins

kidnapped my grandmother, right?

To be fair, I believe I started
talking before the call.

Besides, a comedian taking
your grandmother out to dinner

does not sound like a problem.

I have a problem.
I am incredibly rich.

Jimmy, I have to apologize
for Bec's behavior.

That was gross and inexcusable.

Yeah, I agree.
Your wife is gross,

and there's no excuse for it.

Ever since I was born dead,
people... life...

Have seemed ruled purely
by chaos.

But losing everything

has finally allowed me
to slow down,

and I can see there's an order
to everything.

Becca's the perfect example.

Our whole marriage,
I could never predict

what she was gonna do
from moment to moment.

But now? The moment she learned
you had a few bucks,

I knew exactly
what she was gonna do.

Run over here
to raise her tail.

And I'm not mad at her.
You know why?

Because losing everything,

it's actually made us
close again.

Take last night... after Tallulah
went to sleep in her drawer,

Becca and I fired up a joint,

we sat on Lindsay's couch,
watching TV,

laughing about this and that.

And, unprompted,

she started giving me
a hand job.

And, Jimmy, I started to weep.

There she was, the woman I love,

sipping on boxed Chablis

and spitting in her hand.

I could really see her
for the first time.

And now that I can,
I never want to stop.

I don't want to go back
to the fog of work,

accomplishments, achievement,

money, money, money,

taking everything
for f*cking granted.

I will not do that again.

I will not, g*dd*mn it.

All we have are moments, Jimmy.

Like that hand job.

Like this moment.

You sew enough
of those moments together,

and, the next thing you know,

you have a life
worth really seeing.

Which is why I need you
to give me $14,000

so I can convert
this Korean meatball truck

into a roving medical unit.

What do you say?

You in or what?

What?

No.

Well, had to try.

Hey, babe.

Nah, it didn't work
for me either.

Yeah, he's being a jerk-off.

Meet you out front in ten.

Can we stop at Yogurtland?

Ah, come on!

She's on her way.

You gonna eat
that grilled cheese?

- Ugh.
- Who knew rappers could be

- so temperamental?
- What's up, Gretch?

Congrats on the big news.

My promotion?

You got promoted? Tight.

That must be Lindser.

We're finally gonna try
champ-pons tonight.

- Hmm?
- Champagne tampons?

It's huge on Reddit.

Famous rappers. Noice!

Put me in a video.
Don't be dicks.

We just came to tell you

face-to-face
that you're not leaving us.

Because we're leaving you first.

Oh, snap.

Is that something I would say?

I am not leaving you guys.

I am just expanding my team.

I know you're worried
Lindsay won't be up

for running point,
but I'm holding her hand

through everything.

Plus, she's crazy matured.

Ah-ha-haw! Yee!
Ah-ha-haw!

♪ Oh, our pussies
getting drunk tonight. ♪

Ah-ha-haw!
Oh, hey.

Well, if it isn't
my new favorite clients.

We're not your clients.

- We're leaving Caliber.
- Oh, what's Caliber?

Look, guys, I get it.

Change is scary, but Gretch
has laid a k*ller foundation

and I'm gonna take you
to the next level.

Psh. How?

- Let's not get into specifics.
- right now...

- Vice, Complex and...
- The Source

are coming to town next week
to do a press tour

to reinvigorate the brand. Plus,

I've been talking
to a Swedish promoter,

where you guys are very popular,

and we're working up
a mini tour.

If we avoid the windmill parts,
that could be cool.

It's a great way to publicize
the new material.

We don't have new material.

What?

Well, you're gonna need some.

Chop, chop.

That's one motivating bitch.

- Yeah, she's good.
- Mm.

- I'm Honey Nutz.
- Shut up.

What was that?

- How did you...
- This job is not that hard, Gretch.

It's just asking for things,
and I'm a really good asker.

Because you have no shame.

Exactly.

Mmm.

Mmm, what's going on with you?

Why do I want to suck your d*ck?

- Because you're Lindsay?
- No.

Usually, this only happens
when I'm around someone who...

Listen, apparently,
everyone already knows,

and you're gonna
find out soon anyway,

- so...
- Jimmy,

here's your dollar back.

I broke your confidentiality.
I told Becca. I'm sorry.

- Told Becca what?
- Finding out

when someone has money

is the Cottumaccio superpower.

Don't worry, I plan on reporting
myself to the FDIC.

- Jimmy, what is he sorry for? What money?
- Well, that's what

- I want to talk to you about.
- I knew

I wanted to suck your d*ck
for a reason.

- Vernon?
- Right here, babe.

I'm eating
a secondhand cheese sammy.

That's the least
that fink could give us.

What the hell is going on?

Jimmy's about to become
an angel investor

- in my surgeries-in-a-food-truck business.
- No!

We need out of Lindsay's hovel.

You ruined a perfectly good...

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

I was just worried
that it would change things.

Jimmy,

if I cared about money,
I would've married Ty

or Chingy or any of the other
countless rich guys I've banged.

I'm not horny for stuff, dummy.
Never have been.

I'm just a bottomless pit

of need for constant
male validation.

- That's comforting.
- And, besides,

you've already given me
the greatest gift in the world.

- My love.
- You ate your come.

Because I told you
it was important to me.

And then you did it
a second time for some reason.

- Stop.
- Well, you must've really liked it.

No, I... no, I didn't like it!

Then why'd you gobble it all up?

I was making sure it tasted
as weird as I thought it did.

Aw...

Jimmy, we've all been talking,

and we're sorry
we all bum-rushed you for help.

That wasn't fair.

What's fair is giving each
of us $10,000

and calling it even.

Just get your checkbook
and let's end the madness.

The money's gone.

What did she do with it?
What did you do with it?

She didn't do anything.
I did.

I just paid off my mortgage.

He did.

I no longer wish to suck
the d*ck for money reasons.

Ever since you got that check,

you just think
you're so superior, huh?

I've always thought
I was superior.

Now, if you could
all please leave.

What if I told you guys
about a business opportunity

where people could get
outpatient medical care

in a Korean food truck?

I'm listening.

You paid off the house?

I did.

For our future.

Now, let's christen this bitch.

Where is my car?

How dare they leave someone
with full-blown polio.

I canceled your Lyft.

Jimmy,

please tell me you did not fix
my hunk of sh*t car.

A possum just gave birth
in the engine block.

Oh! I have always wanted
a big ribbon!

Jimmy!

A new car.

A forever house.

Don't look now, but I think we
might be turning into grown-ups.

Pancakes?

Let's do it!

♪ Hate the words
inside my head ♪

♪ Spat them out into a cup ♪

♪ Lock me up ♪

♪ Just lock me up ♪

♪ Faces change
and n-n-naturally ♪

♪ Yours is melting
off your bones ♪

♪ It is falling to the floor ♪

♪ I think bad things ♪

♪ I host bad thoughts ♪