04x10 - Dad-Not-Dad

[bunniefuu]

Yes, I did choose to V.O.D. the
film through your service,

but my end-user experience
was unsatisfactory.

No, no. There was no lag
time. Everything was fine.

Well, you see, Mario,

the problem is The Babadook...

Yeah, it's not scary.

(WHISPERS): It's actually so scary.

- I'm gonna make you watch it.
- Then why do you

- want a refund?
- They just give you free sh*t.

I told U-verse that I got
seizures from watching Legion...

They gave me six months NBA TV.

- (WHISPERS): Yeah.
- (CAR DOORS CLOSING)

- (CAR ALARM CHIRPS)
- sh*t-sticks.

Uh, hide. You can't be here.

Gretchen can be anywhere!

That crumplesack Neil
is dropping off Olivia.

I'm not supposed to let a lover
hang with the kid until Whitney

- meets her and approves.
- I'll meet your ex-wife.

I'll meet anyone.

I met January Jones once.

Hey, Booner. Olivia ran next door

to play on the Coughlins'
trampoline. Okay, bye.

Hey, so... I've started seeing someone.

She wants to meet Whitney.

Oh. Uh...

Our shared calendar says
she's free this afternoon.

Shared calendar? (MIMICS WHIP cr*ck)

(LAUGHS)

- Sorry.
- Real mature.

- I said sorry.
- Whatever.

Yes, Neil, I have a hot girlfriend

who likes it when I give
it to her every day, hard,

sometimes twice.

So, have fun having zero sex ever.

Why are you like this?!

Maybe 'cause you're living in my house,

farting on my Tempur-Pedic,
next to my wife,

you walking circumcision!

- You need therapy.
- I don't...

You need therapy! You
creepy little turd!

- (DOOR SLAMS)
- You jug of ball sweat!

This afternoon?

Okay, bring it on.

Once I get a gallon of
tomato juice and beer in me,

I am hella charming.

She's gonna grill you.

Grill away, bitch.

(GAGS)

This ranch tastes funny, boo.

We don't have ranch.

♪ ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

NPR ANNOUNCER: This week
on "Tip of My Tongue..."

CONTESTANT: I guess I'd rename
the Miracle Mile the, uh,

- Cursed Kilometer.
- (LAUGHTER)

(KATHERINE LAUGHS)

Morning!

Katherine.

Hello.

So...

not that I regret last night...

I mean, on principle, I
don't regret things,

not even buying tickets

to see Billy Bob Thornton's band, but...

But there are no sleepovers.

Got it. Won't happen again.

Well, it's been weird,

but ultimately delightful
seeing you, Jimmy.

You're right, it got much bigger.

- I'm just gonna get me coat.
- (PHONE VIBRATES)

Hey, guess who's about to buy
his first brand-new car?

My main dude Max has a
guy who sets up the loan

and delivers it to you like a pri-zza!

What the hell does Gretchen mean
by this? "We need to talk."

There's a special circle in
hell for people who say,

"We need to talk,"
instead of just talking.

Fire back, bruh.

I shall.

_

_

Take that.

Well, I'm off.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

_

Where are you going?

Meeting a few mates for brunch.

Perfect. I need a mimosa or six.

Let me just put on some pants.

Nice.

Right?

YOUNG LINDSAY: Mommy, over
here! Mommy! Mommy! Mom!

- This is so sweet.
- YOUNG LINDSAY (ON VIDEO): Mom!

Sweet? No! Look!

You were doing foot sex
with Lou Diamond Phillips

instead of paying attention to us!

Am I supposed to feel
something about that?

Maybe regret that your daughters...

One more than the other, obviously...

Are broken because of you.

Lou and I happened to have had
expl*sive sexual chemistry.

He could make me climax
by whispering in my ear.

You ignored us constantly.
I played in the street,

I ate watch batteries, I went
on a date with Edward Furlong.

But you're fine.

I am married to Vernon,

a man who shaves his pubic
hair into the letter "V."

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

And I've got to get to the set.

Go.

Deal with your problems
like normal people.

- Split a Klonopin.
- (BECCA SCOFFS)

You saw the tape. We were...
happy little girls.

How did we turn out like this?

Hey, did you ever hear from Lou
after he and Mom broke up?

BECCA: Never.

- Did you?
- Not a peep.

Unless he's the one who's
been leaving notes on my car

saying "learn how to park."

But it's weird. Isn't it?

He lived with us for, like, three years.

Yeah, he drove me to dressage
every week in junior high,

and then he just... disappeared.

He wasn't there when I finally
got Princess Pamplemousse

to do the moonwalk.

That's what I'm saying, he could
have kept being our dad-not-dad,

but he straight bailed.

What if it's us?

What?

What if the reason Mom neglected us

and Lou vanished us is
that we've always sucked?

(LAUGHS): No.

I was the perfect, special girl.

I...

Let's go ask him.

Mom misremembers everything
about our childhoods.

She showed me a photo of
her and Christina Ricci

on the set of Mermaids
and told me it was us

on vacation in Orlando.

Yes! Let's do it.

Lou was always honest
with us, no matter...

- and there's his d*ck. Okay.
- Oh.

WHITNEY: Gretchen.

(QUIETLY): Balls.

Yes. Gretchen is me.

I mean, I.

- Whitney.
- Oh.

Hmm.

I hope you don't mind, but I
did a little research on you.

You post to Urban Dictionary a lot.

People got to know.

You don't want people walking
around not knowing what you mean

when you tell them you
just skunked a creamer.

Um, did you know there's
a -year-old girl

with your name?

That is also me.

I use "Lil' Gretch" to catch pedophiles

and occasionally
cyberbully Elle Fanning.

Can I get you ladies a drink?

Just an iced hibiscus tea.

I'll have a Long Island... juice.

(RINGTONE PLAYS)

Oh, sorry.

I got to take this.

What?

(WHISPERS): Hey.

Double sh*t of Patrón in my juice?

And if you narc on me, I will cut you.

(QUIETLY): Okay.

(SIGHS)

Sunday Funday!

Better than a Monday!

Can only do it one way, and
that is the drunk way!

- Gag.
- Really.

My friends are all a bit posh.
Try not to embarrass me.

(SCOFFS) I am here to binge drink,

read the Guardian on my
phone, and stumble home.

I don't make friends.

Oh! This is Charlie, Mariel and Flynn.

- Guys, Jimmy.
- Hello.

Oh, six mimosas.

Actually, just bring a
bottle of champagne

- and a pitcher of juice.
- Mm-hmm.

- What do you do, Jimmy?
- Novelist.

- How do you know Katherine?
- Back home.

Same question, politely
directed back at you.

Well, actually, we all met
after Mariel gave a TED Talk

about habit persistence.

I'm a macro-economist.

Halfway interesting. What about you two?

Architecture critic for the Times.

I work at JPL.

Tell Jimmy about your robot.

I don't want to bore the guy.

I'm building

a self-guided cryobot to drill
the ice deposits on Mars.

- It's got spider legs.
- What?!

- So, tell us about your book.
- Oh, it's just a spank book.

Nobody's read it with dry hands.

Oh, you'll appreciate this.

I wrote most of it in a
tree house I designed.

Hammered it together and
everything, with the big nails.

Did you hear the ad for next
week's "Tip of My Tongue"?

- That Tommy Vietor is so witty.
- Hush.

So, what are you guys all doing later?

Heading to Pour Haus to taste
their Uco Valley Malbecs.

Then, we have a reservation
for an escape room.

It's labeled "impossible,"
but we'll see about that.

(LAUGHTER)

And the Astrid Jorgen,

the Greenlandic Scream-Singer,

is performing in Chinatown.

Would you want to come?

Wish he could, but you're busy
today, aren't you, Jimmy?

Never! If I'm being honest,

I basically do nothing most of the time.

Yesterday, I nodded off halfway
through second breakfast.

I almost wonder if I should
take this and sell it on eBay.

Ooh.

- Huh.
- No, ' s.

- Becca! Lindsay!
- (LINDSAY GASPS)

This is my car!

Wow.

This is a total panty-soaker.

They threw in the Teen
Safety Package for free.

So, my phone won't work
while the engine's on,

and it beeps if I swear. Max says...

"Max says, Max says."

Lindsay says it makes you look doable.

But we do it all the time.

Ugh. Please stop.

(SQUEALS, WHOOPS)

JIMMY: Okay, uh, careful, please.

- Gentle, be gentle.
- How'd you nab a future car?

Well, um, with my, uh,
spotty credit history,

I had to take out a
seven-year loan with % APR.

And as soon as I put my foot on the gas,

it started depreciating.

Well, I "de-preciate" this car.

Maybe I should cut my losses, return it,

and get something reasonable.

I'm just a grunt...

- Why is he still talking?
- Bored. Drive now.

(SLURPING)

Jesus Christ, my job is a mess.

And I'm still trying to figure out

the vacation hand-off with Boone.

And Neil keeps bugging
me about wanting braces.

I'm sorry, would...

would you mind if I ordered a drink?

Drinking during the day?

Bring us two alcoholic drinks.

- The same as...?
- Yes, the same as each other.

Ketel One martini with a twist.

I don't even know what that is.

Two of those.

I thought the pain of divorce
would end with the papers,

but a breakup is the gift
that keeps on giving.

Amen to that.

So... what are the other questions

you have on your list?

You could tell I had a list?

I copied it from a blog.

Okay.

"True or false: dinosaur bones
are a lie sent by the devil."

Guess it was a Christian blog?

Bible's got some horny parts.

(LAUGHS)

(GASPS) Mmm.

- Hey!
- (BOTH GASP)

Stay away from those lemons!

Just because they're
hanging over the sidewalk,

doesn't mean they're free!

You people act

like I don't need these
lemons, but I do.

I need them very badly!

It's Becca and Lindsay.

Cottumaccio.

You railed our mom.

Sorry, you railed our
mother, in the ' s?

Oh, my God.

Mm.

Becca? Lindsay?

(LAUGHING)

Oh...

♪ ♪

Mmm! This is good.

It's Country Time. My lemons
aren't juicing lemons.

So... what happened?

(SIGHS)

I loved your mom.

And when she left me, I was devastated.

I couldn't even stay
in the city anymore.

Everything reminded me of her.

One day, I'm sitting on my lanai,

watching my gardeners,

and I thought to myself,
"That's what I want to do."

So, I told my agent, "From
now on, I'm offer-only,"

and I moved out here,
and I put all my energy

into my lemon grove.

One thing I know for sure:

lemons won't ever walk out on me.

Then why did you just disappear?

Was it my bed-wetting? Because I stopped

eventually, mostly, sort of.

Your mother forbade me from
ever contacting you again.

I thought you knew that.

(SIGHS)

Listening to her is one
of my biggest regrets.

That, and turning down Die Hard.

- Why would our mother do that?
- I don't know.

I wanted to ask her, but she had
moved on to dating John Stamos.

You do not mess with that guy.

I mean, the Beach Boys
were so scared of him,

they let him pretend to
play bongos on "Kokomo."

Well, I don't buy it.

You don't just walk away
from people you love.

What could I do, girls?

I had no choice.

Hey,

I've always wondered...

Did you ever get Princess
Pamplemousse to moonwalk?

I did.

Ultimately, it led to a
hairline fracture in her shin,

and we had to sh**t her, but...

- she got me that blue ribbon.
- And, Lindsay,

you had always talked
about being a dinosaur.

How'd that go?

(LAUGHS)

So this is Mom's fault.

Sorry.

We got to go pour water on a witch.

Thanks, La Bamba-Dad.

Good luck with your lemons.

Oh, I need more than luck.

(EXHALES)

I'm tasting plum, with hints of violet.

And then licorice and, um, barberry.

Hmm, it seems the fruit
was harvested too early.

Oh, why do you say that?

Because I'm tasting notes
of statutory grape.

Mmm.

(SUSTAINING OFF-KEY NOTE)

♪ ♪

(LAUGHING)

- Shh!
- Shh, shh!

I'm thinking it might be
the outside ones that...

You can tilt.

No! No, no, no.

Ooh! (STAMMERS)

(SCREAM-SINGING CONTINUES)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Rystar! That says rystar!

Uh, Rystar... knight!

Rystar means knight!

Night! Uh... nighttime!

KATHERINE: No, here, here, here!

Here's the knight, here's the knight!

!

Ooh, the lock, the lock.

Yeah.

Oh, I can't breathe.

I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

- Photos.
- I'm claustrophobic, can you let me out?

- Let me out!
- (POUNDING ON DOOR)

Let me out! Let me out!

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Oy.

Ta-da! I escaped us.

- (SIGHS)
- Stupid.

There is this one mom in the PTA

that I think about knifing so much,

I should take out a
restraining order on me.

You are nuts, hooker!

I used to be fun.

I used to wear low-rise jeans
and 'shroom in Joshua Tree.

And now, I have to be the
grown-up, but I want to be fun.

Hey, now!

You are just a lady
doing her A-plus best.

- Mm-hmm.
- I wish I had a mom like you.

Can I call you Mom?

I'm glad Boone found someone nice.

He was so lonely for so long.

Aw.

Let's get another round. (LAUGHS)

(WHISTLES)

One thing I do miss is
the spontaneousness.

On our second date, Boone drove us

(DISTORTED): to Portland to...

GRETCHEN: No. Gretch, don't black out.

(VOICE ECHOING INDISTINCTLY)

GRETCHEN: Not now. No, no,
no, no, no, no, no! (GRUNTS)

(WHITNEY MOANING)

Oh. Mmm.

GRETCHEN: Oh, God.

Oh, no. Why is this?

Harder!

(WHITNEY MOANING)

(GIGGLING): Oh, God.

This is fun.

I feel fun! (LAUGHING)

Oh, oh, oh, oh, no...

Here I go. Here I go.

Oh...

Boomtown! (SCREAMS)

Oh...

(MOUTHING)

JIMMY (LAUGHING): Statutory grape.

I should sell that one
to the funny-pages.

Edgar, call a tow truck.

Someone's left a try-hardy
luxury sedan in my car park.

Actually, that's mine.

But... you're poor.

I'm not poor. I'm a writer now.

That doesn't matter.
You have poor brain.

Do you know how I know?
Because I have poor brain.

- Jimmy!
- Do you know what I did with

the outsized advance for my first book?

I bought a house that I couldn't afford.

I got an FHA loan, so
I only put down . %,

but it's an ARM on a balloon structure,

which means by the end of next year,

I may have to burn it for the insurance,

which I do not have.

Return the car.

No, Jimmy.

You forfeited your right
to tell me what to do.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE VIBRATES)

(PHONE BEEPS)

Maximus.

Oh, the whip?

You got to come check it out.

I am so glad you suggested I buy it.

Hell yeah, I sprung for the
all-vegan leather package. (LAUGHS)

Mom! We're coming in!

(GASPS)

Hi, girls.

So, wait, you dated John
Stamos, then Dave Coulier?

That is not the direction
it's supposed to go.

I know.

LINDSAY: What's going on here?

Why is La Bamba-Dad in your house-car?

And which is it, a house or a car?

And where does the poop go?

Your visit inspired me
to reach out to Faye

after all these years.

I'm so glad you all reconnected.

Well, we're glad too, Mom.

Because we started to think the
reason we never heard from him

was because there was
something wrong with us.

But, now we know, there's
nothing wrong with me at all.

He told us you forbidded him
from ever contacting us.

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- WOMAN: We're inviting first team, Faye.

Well?

It's true. I did.

Why would you do that?

Because I could see how
close you all were getting,

and I knew it wasn't going
to last between Lou and me.

I did it to protect you.

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- WOMAN: Cameras are ready, Faye.

- Will you give us a second?!
- We are very busy

blaming our mother for everything!

- This is very, very important!
- Go, go, go!

You two are adults.

You're goddamned baked.

If your lives are a mess,
you figure it out.

(SCOFFS)

She's right, you know.

Instead of sitting around
being angry at your mom,

I decided to buy some
land in the country

and focus my energy on
growing a real orchard.

And now, I just kick back and
wait for La Croix to call.

(SIGHS)

You can't solve your problems
by blaming the past.

Then how do we solve them?

You have a kid.

Be a good parent.

Break the cycle.

It's too late.

Vernon's her father.

Tallulah's headed straight for the pole.

What about me?

I don't have a kid.

You were such a giving child.

It's true.

She used to dump her
dinner in the toilet

because she felt bad that it
only ever got to eat poop.

Maybe you're supposed
to help other people.

♪ ♪

Help people.

Okay.

In fact, you've already started
by helping me do something

that I've wanted to do for years,

have sex with your mom one last time.

Your friends are so sophisticated.

You know, my only friends
are this divorced girl

with citrus blindness
and a redheaded doctor

who might be a legal imbecile.

Are they, uh, available tomorrow?

I'm not bringing you
around my friends again.

What?

They didn't like me?

You behaved like a complete rube.

You were our redheaded doctor!

Jimmy, I moved across
the world on purpose.

All you do is remind me of the past.

Bye, Jimmy.

Wait.

Can we still go to JPL?

I want to see the spider robot.

♪ ♪

Ah.

Mmm!

Right? It's like getting drunk on salsa.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (PHONE CHIMES)

_

Oh, um, Whitney texted the okay.

She really, really likes you.

Oh, that's such good news.

Also, they refunded me the
seven bucks for The Babadook.

Suckers!

Ah.

Ah...

_

Good job, you. She's a
tough nut to cr*ck.

I had to go deep.

Really knuckle down.

(QUIETLY): Boomtown.