05x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

You look ridiculous.

If only you also looked
ridiculous so I'd have a comeback.

Mate, I'd wear this even if
it wasn't swooping season.

Barbara looks the best, though.

Barbara, you should wear that all the time.

You took like a tough but
fair sheriff in the Wild West.

- It's not gonna scare the magpies, - Mum.

- They're just gonna swoop underneath.
- It's plenty!

Can you hurry up, please,
so we can get back inside?

- Relax. You're wearing headgear.
- It doesn't protect my eyes.

(GASPS) Mate. % off spray tans.

- How much do they normally cost?
- I don't know. You should get one.

Just update the ad. It's not safe out here.

- Alright.
- (BIRDS SQUAWK)

Um...

... yeah, I don't think we
need to put up a fresh one.

Only one gone?

Mum, I don't think we need
to update this anymore, huh?

If one person takes our number,
that's one more listing

than we might not have gotten otherwise.

- Even 'horse washing' has some taken.
- Oh. Horse washing.

Get rid of that ad for a blender.
That's been up there for weeks.

DANIEL: I feel like there should
be rules around size on this board.

I mean,
look how big the cooking classes poster is.

You two should sign up.

You saying I can't cook?

You got last night's dinner
from that tub on your head.

- You ate it, didn't you?
- Look what they're offering.

DANIEL: "Best dish will be
permanently added to the pub menu."

We could name the dish
after McCallum Real Estate.

Are you... are you being serious?

Pub gets lots of traffic that we don't.

It'd be like a permanent ad for us.

- OK. I'll sign us all up.
- No, no, no.

I've got contract signing
after work this week.

- And my excuse is...
- (CAMERA CLICKS)

... I don't want to do it.

Have you got any evening plans this week?

No.

- Take the class.
- (BIRD SQUAWKS)

They've found us!

Run!

- Zigzag, Em!
- EMMA: I am!

- DANIEL: Cover your eyes!
- EMMA: I won't be able to see!

DANIEL: No, don't close them, cover them!

Are you coming, Mum?

SONG: ♪ Yeah, we know ♪

♪ Even if we had so far to go ♪

♪ Even if the pace is slow ♪

♪ Well,
I'll be coming home to you again ♪

♪ If we find ♪

♪ Something to feel that we belong ♪

♪ If we can right all the wrongs ♪

♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again.
♪

What if we become really good cooks?

Imagine restaurant-quality
food every night, for free.

Well,
you'd still have to buy the ingredients.

And maybe I'll end up having
my own signature dish.

I'm thinking vegetarian
lasagne but with SOME meat,

so it appeals to both crowds.

- Smart.
- (DOOR OPENS)

Hey, Grace.

- Hi.
- EMMA: Cool hat.

Thanks.

That's actually why I'm here.
To show off your hat?

Um, do you mind if I put these flyers up?

I'm trying to get people to
take the magpies seriously.

Already had to treat a
couple of injuries this week.

Are they going for the eyes?
Uh, not that I've seen, no.

But they could.

- I'll put those up for you.
- Thanks, Em.

- Um... so...
- (SIGHS) So, what's... been... news?

Oh, uh, well, um... Em and I just
signed up for, uh, cooking classes.

- Oh, that's a great idea.
- Oh, I thought you liked my cooking.

Well, I've... I've always liked
your butter-to-Vegemite ratio.

- Oh, I'm kidding.
- I-I-I know I'm terrible.

But, uh, if we win,
we get to name a dish on the pub menu.

Can we call it Emma and
Friends Real Estate Casserole?

No, we can't. Uh...

McCalleyum's Gingerbread House for Sale.

- Ohh!
- (PHONE RINGS)

Sorry. I should take that.
Someone might have been swooped.

Oh, sure. Um... well, let's...
let's catch up again soon.

- Sounds good. (CLEARS THROAT)
- Dr Howlett speaking.

Uh, no, their beaks
aren't poisonous, Frank.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- She's really cute with that hat on.

And without the hat.

Whoo!

Oh. Sorry. Force of habit.

- McCallum Real Esteak Sandwich.
- No!

I'm so glad you're all here.
I was a bit nervous about coming.

How come?

I watch a lot of reality cooking shows

and I'm scared of getting yelled at.

I mean, they can't yell at us
if we're paying them, can they?

Well, my personal trainer does.

But, in fairness,
I did clip her once with my car.

Accident.

Oh, great.

Oh, you're joking! Danny!

- Are you doing this too?
- DANIEL: Yep.

EMMA:
I didn't know you guys were into cooking.

Yeah, we're gonna start up,
like, a YouTube cooking channel.

Gonna promote it on the pub menu,
earn some money from the ads.

Bought a webcam the other day.
Just got to learn how to cook now.

Home stretch.

Well, I'm just glad your aprons
don't have boobs on them.

It's not .

Hi.

- Grace, are you doing the classes?
- GRACE: Yeah.

Well, it sounded fun
and Dave keeps refusing

to put anything healthy on the menu,
so maybe this is a way around it.

I put those flyers up you
gave me at the info centre.

- GRACE: Oh, thanks.
- There's, uh, room here if you like.

- No, there's not.
- There is if you move.

Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late.

Let me just grab my apron
and we'll get started.

Is that, uh...

That's the guy who wouldn't
let me look at his package!

- Maybe rephrase.
- Sorry?

That guy's package got mailed to us

and I went to a lot of
effort to return it to him,

and he wouldn't tell me what was in it,

but I did see it anyway when I just
happened to be walking past his car.

- Well...
- He's gonna be mean to me.

No,
he's a professional cooking class teacher.

I think I should go.

No, if you leave, we only have one
sh*t of winning instead of two.

He probably doesn't even remember you.

(SIGHS) Thanks for your patience, everyone.

My name is Sam Wells, and welcome to
Wishing Wells cooking classes. Yes?

Hey, do you mind if we work together?

We're, like, starting up a...
a cooking channel.

Bruce and Maddo's Spuds and Buds.
Yeah, name to be decided, but...

Sure.

- Yes!
- Yes!

Hey! Emma. Long time, no see.

Hi!

I think everyone's gonna
get a lot out of this class.

All you have to do is follow
some basic instructions.

For example, Tammy has specifically told us

not to go near the pub pantry,

and I'm gonna respect that, because...

... well, we should all stay
out of each other's business.

OK. Let's start by taking
out our mixing bowls.

Yes, Chef!

Just 'Sam' is fine.

Oh!
Before we get started, any food allergies?

Or even just things anyone
really hates the taste of?

Shellfish.

I promise the kitchen
will be shellfish-free.

Anyone else?

Emma?

No. What about bananas?

SAM: Ah, well, that is unfortunate,

because tonight we are making banana bread.

Everyone grab a banana.
I thought we were making mushroom...

Change of plan.

- EMMA: What's with the bag?
- DANIEL: It's full of seeds.

Oh. Is that ingredient for tonight?

No, it's for the swoopy birds.

I read they recognise faces,
so I'm trying to get in their good books.

- Won't that attract more?
- (BIRDS SQUAWK)

Oh, God, you're right. Run!

EMMA: Still can't believe
you outed me with a banana.

- (SIGHS) I said I was sorry.
- Let it go.

Get a spray tan, I'll forgive you.
Mrs Marsh. This is for you.

- I made it.
- Oh, thank you.

And we had to touch them, skin to skin.
Eugh!

I know it'll be banana again tonight.
I'm dropping out.

- No.
- I'm not gonna win.

He hated my banana bread.

DANIEL: Well, to be fair,
you didn't put any banana in it.

Do YOU like it, Mrs Marsh?

Reminds me of the w*r.

Can't get higher praise than that.

And he gave us homework!
We're paying him. He should be doing it.

Yeah,
I don't think that's how teaching works.

Look, Em,
all you got to do is make Anzac biscuits.

It took me minutes this morning.
You'll have heaps of time after work.

- Why are you taking his side?
- Uh, I'm not.

It's just, we've paid for the whole week.

You're enjoying the classes, aren't you?

I am, actually. I think I can win.

- Not if I win.
- Well, that's... that's good too.

I just want one of us to win.

- Yeah, well, we'll see, won't we?
- So... so you're not quitting?

Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

I'm having trouble following your tone.

- Yeah. You...
- (DOOR OPENS)

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- They came in underneath.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Mmm.

Very good.

Yeah.

- Do I detect cinnamon?
- Yep. Yep.

Wasn't in the recipe.
Put it in there anyway.

- That was my idea.
- Doesn't matter. We're a team, so...

You said specifically
not to put any in there.

OK, well.
Either way, it's good to experiment.

Gez.

I've got to be honest.

I'm not sure about the oregano.

It fell off the shelf
while I was making them.

Am I eliminated?

Hey? No.

(SIGHS)

That was close.
For a second there, I definitely thought...

Are you filming?

Yes, Chef.

OK.

Daniel.

Not bad.

Bit plain, but sometimes simple's good.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Mmm!

Mmm.

Oh. Really nice, Grace.

- Interesting texture.
- Thank you.

I used stevia instead of sugar.

What's that? It's a
non-nutritive sweetener.

Almost no calories.

Psst! Write that down. Episode two.

- Health junk equals clicks.
- Yep.

Emma.

What have we got?

EMMA: Anzac biscuit, just like you asked.

Just one?

Did you make this?

Yes.

'Cause this tastes exactly
like Daniel's biscuit.

Oh, well, you know,
we're best friends, so...

... do a lot of things similarly.

You didn't do the homework, did you?

I... I did.

But I had to chuck 'em out.

In my defense,
salt and sugar look very similar.

I didn't know she took one of my biscuits,
Sam.

I believe you, Daniel.

One of us has to stay in his good books.

Tonight, we are gonna learn
about balancing flavours -

sweet and sour, bitter...

Sorry, Sam, do you mind?
Can I just have a quick chat outside?

Yeah. Sure.

Rest of the class can be
held up because of you.

(DOOR OPENS)

OK, so I was just hoping
we could have a quick chat.

You sure there's not something else
you'd rather be doing with your time?

I saw an ad for a pottery
class on the noticeboard.

No, I'm really trying.

It's just you obviously have
some sort of problem with me.

Why would I have a problem with you?
You just invaded my privacy.

Well, it seems like he's
being pretty hard on her.

Oh, she's fine.
She's always wanted a nemesis.

How are you finding the classes?

I like it. But I think I just like classes.

Did I tell you I started studying again?

- No. What topic?
- Uh, space medicine.

- (LAUGHS) That's awesome.
- Is that real?

'Doctor astronaut'
sounds like the sort of job

you'd tell people you
have at a school reunion.

(LAUGHS) It's a real job. Mmm.

Certain cells grow in space
like they do in the human body,

so it's a really great place to run tests.

So you're gonna be a space
doctor and an Earth chef.

Mmm.

You try and hold onto a
mystery box for a whole day

without opening it and taking a peek.

And I only saw what it was because

I just happened to be
walking past your car.

You chased after me and pressed
your face up against the window!

It was just a lint roller.

It's not like I caught you eating
an endangered-species burger.

Look, just admit that what you did
was wrong and we can move past this.

Fine. I admit it. I was wrong.

We haven't moved past this, have we?

Nuh.

I made risotto last night.
I think Sam's tips are really helping.

Did, uh, Jason like it?

- Oh, we broke up.
- What?!

Sorry about that, everyone.

- (PHONE ALERT CHIMES)
- No worries, Sam.

"No worries, Sam."

I'm so sorry. Um... it looks like
Frank's swooping cut got infected.

- So their beaks ARE poisonous?
- GRACE: No, no.

It's... it's just that he didn't dress
the wound properly. I'm so sorry.

All good, Grace.

Balancing flavours is an exciting part

of creating your signature dish,

but it's really important to understand

why certain foods DON'T work.

- Grace is single.
- What?!

(BUBBLING)

What?!

- Morning.
- How long have you been up?

Don't know. Want a pizza?

Yeah.

Oh!

Uh-uh-uh!

The finishing touch.

How long have you been cooking?

- A while.
- (BELL DINGS)

Ooh! My quiche.

Cooking and maybe thinking of
a certain doctor astronaut?

Uh, yeah, maybe all night.

It's just... she's the
coolest person I know

and I want to be with her again.

She's...

I mean equally as cool as you.
Please move on.

You're lucky my eyebrows don't
go up any higher than this.

I think I need to tell her.

I could have Grace in my life right
now and I don't, which is not ideal.

Thoughts?

I just really don't feel
comfortable weighing in on this.

Come on. You're the coolest person I know.

And I really want to hear what you think.

Look, her and Jason broke up,
what, how long ago?

Three-ish days, according to Gez.

You may want to give her some time.
How long?

Like, longer than three days.

Although, to be fair,
she never seemed super into him.

I think dating a guy with a ute

is just one of those things women
need to get out of their system.

It's just my life is better with her in it.

Well...

... you gotta do what you gotta do.

That's the biggest cop-out advice ever.

Eh.

Maybe I can catch her at
the practice before work.

OK. Good luck! I support you.

Do you mind cleaning all this up?

- Excuse me?
- Please? It's for true love.

- Fine.
- Thanks, mate.

Mmm. Hey.

It would have been cooler
if you'd caught it.

It's got spikes on it!

(INDICATOR CLICKS)

(TAPE TEARS)

Daniel.

- Hi, Grace.
- Are you on your way to the office?

Uh, no, I'm actually on my way to see you.

Oh, are you OK?
Is your psoriasis playing up again?

- Oh, it is, but it's not about that.
- You do look slightly pale.

But I guess that's not unusual for you.

Um, I... I don't mean that in a bad way.
You look great.

Oh, no, no, it's fine.

- Um... I've been thinking...
- Yeah.

... that, uh, I still have feelings for you.

Maybe I never stopped having...
feelings for you.

I-I... I... I know I was the one who
broke it off and there are probably

several reasons you don't
want to get back together...

- Yes.
- Yes?

Yes,
I don't want to get back together with you.

Oh.

Sorry. I just felt like you were
about to make a heartfelt speech.

Um... it'd be harder for me to say

that I don't want to get back
together after hearing it.

Makes sense.

It's just, um...

... a bit raw right now.

I've only been single for hours.

Yeah. I... I understand. I'm... I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean to... to rush you.
- No, no, it's fine.

I should... get to work.

Yeah, I... yeah, I should... I should too.

I'll talk to you soon. Yeah.

Oh, you... you go.

I'll... yep.

- Morning.
- Morning, Phil.

EMMA: Barbara?

It's lunchtime.

Would you like a tub of soup,
some kind of tart thing - lemon, I think?

Pizza?

- Did you make it?
- No.

Pizza.

- Where's Daniel?
- Oh, my God.

He's gone to tell Grace he
wants to get back together.

- Can you believe it?
- Sure.

This, um, isn't terrible.

- Right?
- Daniel's really getting into it.

We might actually win this thing.

What did you make?

My highlight was probably the
banana bread without banana in it.

So... bread?

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Yeah.

(GASPS) Here he is!

Hi. Go.

What?

Yeah, I'll come right over.

OK, bye.

Leave the pizza.

- Daniel?
- DANIEL: Don't come in!

- What?
- Are you alone?

Yes.

Do you promise?

- Yes. It's just me and this film crew.
- What's going on?

DANIEL: OK, come in.

Oh!

Don't say anything.

Wasn't gonna.

They used too much.

- Too much what?
- What do you think? Fake tan!

I... I thought it'd make me
feel more confident, and...

... Grace said I looked pale, and...
and I just felt like

I needed to change something
to make myself feel better

and my hair's already short.

So it went well with Grace, then?

She doesn't want to get back together.

Oh, I'm sorry, mate.

And... and I actually really like it.

It's two shades away from
being really offensive.

At least you told her.

You know, it takes real courage to
be vulnerable, and I'm proud of you.

I don't feel courageous. I feel orange.

Is there anything I can do?

Yes,
you can win the cooking competition for us.

- What?
- Grace can't see me like this.

And... and Bruce used to tease
me BEFORE I got a fake tan.

- He'll... he'll tear me apart.
- I would.

You know I can't win. Sam has it in for me.

Sam's not judging the competition.
And I'll give you my secret recipe.

Your secret what?

We don't have secrets.

Try it.

Is that chicken surprise?

Yes. Without the chicken.

I think that's what was holding it back.

- It's still called chicken surprise?
- Well, yeah, that's the surprise.

No chicken.
I always used to dry the chicken out.

But without it,
it's actually quite a tasty veggie stew.

No offense, but the
last time you made this,

it was the most disgusting
thing I've ever eaten.

- And I've eaten an oyster.
- Yeah.

I've been working on it since
we started taking classes

and it's good now... trust me.

You know what? I trust you so
much that I don't have to try it.

Em, have some.

- It's great.
- Right?

Like, I'm not just saying that
because you're sad and... you know.

- Yeah. Even cold, it's still good.
- Yeah, that could actually win.

- I'm gonna teach you how to make it.
- Can't I just take this in?

No, no,
the rules are you have to make it in class.

But just...
just follow my recipe, you'll be fine.

- Alright. You're the food expert.
- You're almost a carrot.

- Hey.
- Well, you have to give me one!

OK. Time to show me what
some of you have learned.

You have minutes,
and your time starts...

- Yes, Gez?
- Is there a big countdown clock?

No, I'll just tell you when it's finished.

- Oh.
- Your time starts now.

- Good luck.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

How do I know when it's cooked?

So the potato should be soft but not mushy.

EMMA: How soft?

Like a... mousepad.

Gotta go.

- What are you listening to?
- Oh, you know.

Just thought I would put on some
tunes while I cook the winning dish.

Confident.

Are you tasting your food as you go?

No. You do that when it's finished.

It's what good chefs do.

Good chefs, maybe,
but great chefs cook by feel, not by taste.

The food will communicate
to me when it's cooked.

- Yeah.
- That's not how it works at all.

- Hey.
- MADDRICK: I think it's done.

BRUCE: I'm not cooking it!
I'm just looking underneath.

You know nothing.

Oh, my God. Is it good?

It IS good. Suck it.

Calm down.
Even an amateur can fluke a good dish once.

Yes! You must hate this.

I said... good, not great.

It's missing an extra bit of something.

Like what? Pesto? Potato chips?

Just tell me.
I don't have time to guess all the foods.

No, it's up to you.
That's what cooking is all about.

It's putting the U in...
'Food' doesn't have a U.

Yeah, I was gonna say 'cuisine'.

Oh, sure you were.

Before we start the judging,
can I get a big round of applause

for Dave and Tammy for having us this week?

Thank you, Phil.

Tammy's gonna do the tasting,
because whatever dish wins...

I'll be the one who has to cook it.

Yes, but I can veto.

OK. Uh, Stacey, would you like to go first?

- TAMMY: What's this?
- Uh, it's a vegetarian curry.

Is that coriander? Yep.

I don't do coriander. Sorry.
(SCOFFS) Are you serious?

- Tammy hasn't even tasted it.
- Veto.

How was I supposed to know that?

Uh, Gez, you're up.

It's a grilled salmon fillet

with a blueberry hatch chilli sauce.

Too spicy.

Too spicy.

I can't believe it.

I put myself on that plate.

Yeah, at least she tasted yours, mate.

Tastes like you've cooked a steak,

put it in a pie.

All the strengths of a steak and a pie.

- None of the weaknesses.
- I like it.

- Mmm!
- Yeah-heh!

Boom!

Uh, Grace.

Is that a parma?

Yes.

We've already got a parma on the menu.

Will you please just try it, Tammy?

Mmm. Eggplant?

Yes. So it's a great alternative
for people who don't want chicken.

And the polyphenols in eggplant may
help protect the body from cancer.

The staff are not gonna want to spell
'polyphenols'.

Well,
they could just call it eggplant parma...

TAMMY: Is that all of them?

One more.

What is this?

Emma's Surprise.

Mmm.

Interesting. There's something...

- Extra?
- Dave? Try this.

Oh, it's weird.

Weird in a winning dish sort of way?

Never mind, Emma.
Maybe the food gave you the wrong message.

Ready to announce the winner?

Grace.

- Really?
- TAMMY: Yep.

I liked the pie better,
but we've already got a pie on the menu.

- Can't have two pies.
- What?!

- You've already got a parma!
- Not an eggplant one.

Oh! Well, you guys can forget
about coming on our show.

Tammy.

Don't touch me.

- Hey!
- DANIEL: How did you go?

Did you cook the potato
enough but not too much?

You would have been so proud of me.

I followed your instructions exactly,

and also improvised,
which is what cooking's about.

- So...
- Did you win?

I did not.

Oh, really? I thought...

Sorry, did you say 'improvise'?

- I may have added something.
- What?

Orange juice.

- Orange juice?!
- Yep.

I said no changes.
Did I have to write 'no juice'?

Well, Sam said it needed something extra

and cooking's about, you know,
passion and expressing yourself,

and I thought about what YOU would do,

and when I thought about YOU,
I, you know, thought, 'orange'.

Oh, God, Em.

Sam made me think I wasn't gonna
win unless I added something.

He made me sabotage myself.

- What about pumpkin?
- Oh, pumpkin.

- Who won?
- Uh, Grace.

Healthy eggplant parma.

Well,
I guess if we were gonna lose to someone,

she's the best one to lose to.

- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- What are you doing?

I'm sorry, but this tan isn't gonna last,
and it just makes me so happy.

(PHONE RINGS)

It's Grace.

- I look ridiculous.
- You got most of it off.

You can barely tell.

I think the towel just rubbed it in more.

GRACE: Thanks for coming down.

Daniel! You look different.

Oh, it'd just be the, uh...
the lighting in here and...

... and my hat, for the magpies.

- OK.
- Why did you call us here?

Oh. I want to show you something.

DANIEL: You named your dish after us.

I just wanted Dave to put
something healthy on the menu.

I figure this way, we can both win.

- That's so nice.
- You really are awesome.

BRUCE: Danny!

Why are you orange?

Oh, because...

I want you to handle a listing.

Is this a trap?

Oh, my God, look.
Look, there's so many dogs!

Just make sure they don't know the address.

Sorry?

Does he want me to drive people
out there blindfolded or something?

McCallum Real Estate will be
hosting a mystery road trip.

You bothering those guinea pigs,
ducklings and bunnies?

- What are you doing here?
- Let the mystery begin!

What's going on?

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)