02x03 - Past = Present x Future Over Yesterday

[bunniefuu]

Barry. Am I evil?

Oh, my God. I mean... absolutely. Do I not tell you that enough?

What the f*ck you doing here, man?

Did you k*ll a f*ckin' cop?

Fuches, you gotta go. Huh? No, no, I could go to jail.

I don't wanna see you again!

Hi, Dad. Were you planned? No.

So I did what every great actor does.

I improvised.

You left.

You wanna leave them wanting more, not less.

That troll Esther is pulling fast one.

So we get in there, we sh**t her in her crazy watermelon-sized head, massive fumble turnover for Hank.

Ah, come...!

And what of the future? What does it hold?

Thomas Friedman, let's start with you.

The future of the world is multinational alliances.

And to thrive in this new economy, you are going to have to sacrifice some of your sovereignty.

But make no mistake, Asia is on the rise.

Bullshit.

Who brought dum-dum over here?

Asia is not on rise, because Hank has rock-solid plan to stop Asia and restore natural order of business.

Well, respectfully, I'm not sure that you're going to single-handedly stop the rise of Asia as a global market force.

Well, respectfully, why don't you shut the f*ck up?

Because Asia will be done the second I put a b*llet in her massive, massive head.

So, you know what, Thomas Friedman?

You are bad at writing, and nobody likes you.

Hank.

Hank!

Jeez. What's up?

Cristobal needs you. Something has happened.

You mean like... like something bad?

Cristobal, what's up? Did something happen to Esther?

Holy sh*t. I guess not, because here she is.

Esther and her men were att*cked last night.

At the monastery? I imagine?

Wow, what a dirtbag would att*ck you at a holy place and fail?

Thankfully.

I mean, you look great. With your Slurpee.

I guess he, uh, didn't do his job.

Or her job...

Or maybe it was coordinated drone att*ck?

A white boy, in a Lululemon tracksuit.

Hmm. He ran away.

Someone is trying to play with us, Hank.

Someone is playing games.

Games like the chess you showed me.

Now I just have to figure out if it is a small piece or a big piece.

Hmm.

Maybe the horsey.

Maybe the horsey.

Hank, I don't think it is safe for her to stay at the monastery.

I have invited Esther, and some of her men to stay here, with us.

So you and your men will have to make some room for them.

So then, where are we supposed to stay?

Akhmal, we have work to do.

Should we go to Ikea? Get area rug, maybe?

Couple beanbag chairs?

We have to k*ll Barry.

This is the story of the first time I took a life.

I was at an OP with my best friend, Albert.

We had seen some suspicious activity, and Albert told me to take the sh*t.

I did.

And it was the first time I ever felt a sense of purpose, a sense of community.

First time I k*lled someone, it was the best day of my li...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

f*ck.

Are you struggling with your piece?

Anything I can help with?

Yeah, I just don't know if I wanna do it.

What? Why?

It was really powerful. I mean, it was literally about life and death.

No, I know it's about life and death, but...

I don't know, I did a lot over there.

It wasn't all just... this stuff.

Listen, I know better than anybody how scary it is to confront the past.

I mean, you know, when Gene pushed me to talk about my marriage, you saw me.

It totally freaked me out.

Honestly, it's... it's kind of been therapeutic.

Like, okay, I just wrote the part where I finally stood up to him and left him.

And I... Okay.

But listen to this.

You just put your hands on me for the last time, Sam.

You wanna choke me? Well, choke on this.

I'm f*cking leaving you.

He choked you?

Oh, yeah. I mean, he was a total piece of sh*t.

I'm actually supposed to Skype with my friend Kate who was there the night I left him.

So the Wi-Fi is better in your living room, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, great.

You might wanna make sure Nick's dressed, though.

Yeah. And... Okay.

Leo, are you there?

Come on. What is this? I know, I know, I know.

It looks a little Mark David Chapman, but here's the real reason I'm here.

I'm so sorry about how our last conversation ended, and I wanted to make it up to you, so I brought you something.

Ta-da!

Open it.

What is this? That is the key to my cabin. I want you to have it.

I want to keep it in the family.

No strings attached.

I... don't need a vacation home.

No, see, there's the rub. I don't see it as a vacation home.

I see it as a business opportunity where you and I work together, and it can really bring us closer.

You can maintain it, you can show it, you can rent it.

You want me to be your groundskeeper?

I like to think of it more as assistant to the owner.

Okay. Now, I can't give you a wage, obviously. Dad.

But we can share the proceeds. Dad! Dad, I don't want the cabin where your girlfriend was m*rder*d. That's sick!

Just please... just please go away.

Please, Dad. Please, please.

Please leave me alone.

So Mark is Hayden's baseball coach, and he's taking it so damn seriously.

He's kind of taking out all of his aggression on Hayden even though he wasn't even a good baseball player if you remember in high school. No, he was sh*t.

Oh, and he's chewing tobacco now which is so vile. I'm dying. Ew.

Tell him I say hi, though. I will.

Um, okay, so I started writing.

Wow! Yeah.

I mean, everybody writes their own material these days, so...

Um, and I decided I'm gonna write a scene about Sam.

Okay.

Why? I mean specifically about the night that I left.

So do you remember that night?

Um...

Yeah, unfortunately I remember that night really well.

Yeah, I know. Sorry that we never really, like, talked about it.

Um, but this is really important.

It's for this acting class, and I just, I...

I need to know like what you remember about that last night.

I remember that you came over in the middle of the night, and you had the welts on your neck.

And you were a mess.

You said that you had been at the Rooster earlier, dancing with Ken Singleton, and then Sam flipped out about it.

Yeah. So then when you got home, he b*at you up.

So we decided that you needed to get out of there.

And we headed over to your place, and I grabbed a baseball bat, like that's gonna do any good.

And when we got there, he was passed out on the floor as usual.

So we just grabbed a whole bunch of your stuff, we just threw it in the car, and you took off.

Yeah, right, but that was after I told him to f*ck off.

Oh. I don't... I don't really remember that.

No, I said... I said, "You wanna choke me, you coward?

Well, choke on this. I'm out of here."

Wow! Yeah.

I told you this at the time.

Well, it was a long time ago.

And... and it was a crazy night. Yeah.

And... We shouldn't talk about that.

We should talk about all the good things that are happening for you. Yeah.

Mark and I, we watched you when you played the alien mom.

Oh, God, how crazy was that makeup? That was so good.

Did you guys see this other show I did?

It was called Pompeii's Burning.

No, I don't think I've seen that. I...

To be honest, I'm so busy with the kids, I don't really have time to watch much. Oh, right.

Except for Grey's Anatomy, Kardashians, all the Desperate Housewives, This Is Us, So You Think You Can Dance?, The Voice.

I love the Switched at Birth.

I like that one with the family with all the kids.

That's a good one.

This is not the story of the first time I took a life, but the first time I saved a life.

It was my second deployment.

We were in the Korengal Valley.

A villager's donkey had been k*lled, and Albert and I were trying to settle a dispute over who was responsible.

Okay, anybody here sh**t a donkey?

Right, I didn't think so.

Look, I understand that you're upset about your donkey, but no one here sh*t it, so we're not gonna compensate you for it.

Talk to me, talk to me. He can talk to me.

He said God is watching you. God is watching me?

Well, then God knows that I...

Corpsman!

Corpsman. Corpsman!

Corpsman, flank!

Corpsman!

Do you see 'em?!

No. No, Albert! Watch your ten!

Watch your four to five!

Hey, you!

No, no, no, no, no...

f*ck.

How the f*ck did you miss?

I don't know how to sh**t g*n!

Hey, you know this about yourself, yet when I ask you to come k*ll Barry, you say okay?

Hank, there is a power dynamic here which prevents me...

Get down!

What happened? I got f*cking sh*t!

sh*t. Ow, my f*cking arm!

Aah! It's so painful!

I did a table read with Wilmer Valderrama.

You know him. He's a lot of fun.

He's really... loose.

Fez? Yeah! Yeah, Fez! Yeah.

Okay, Akhmal, you got to get your sh*t together, just stand up there, and sh**t him.

Okay? Believe in yourself! f*ck you!

I... I just got sh*t!

Well, I got sh*t too, remember?

Barry sh*t me like precisely in same arm.

Oh, same spot! Wow, he's so good!

All right, but I wasn't a baby about it, was I? Come on!

Get up, Hank. Get up.

You f*cking nuts?

Taking sh*ts at me? My f*cking girlfriend's in there!

You f*cked our plan.

I'm dead man anyway, so you know what?

Just do it.

Do it.

f*ck!

Oh, my God! f*ck!

Oh, my God, that was so scary!

That was really scary.

Hank, listen to me. We can't... Oh, no.

Come on, man. Hank.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

I vomited.

I'm sorry. Oh, man, I'm so sorry.

All right, listen. That was so gross.

I can't work for you anymore, all right?

You gotta find someone else.

Well, do you know any other assassins?

No.

Well, what do you want me to do? Go to John Wick Assassin Hotel with help wanted sign? I mean what?

You got good guys right here, man.

Oh, my God, my guys suck balls! You know it!

Especially this m*therf*cker right here!

If I suck balls, you are king of Suck Balls Mountain!

Oh, shut the f*ck up!

f*ck you! Shut up.

Look, what if, uh...

What if I train your guys?

They already have physical trainer. They have like three.

Not at a gym. I'm talking about...

I'm a Marine, all right?

I can teach them how to sh**t, combat skills.

I don't have to k*ll anymore, debt paid.

You give me army?

You turn these pumpkins into Cinderellas overnight, huh?

Phew. We could take over Burmese mafia, go back to fifty-fifty with Cristobal.

Or you could just take the whole thing for yourself.

Fifty-fifty with Cristobal. I like the sound of that.

Look, I need some gear from you, all right?

I'll send you a list of things I'm gonna need if we're gonna do this, all right?

And we've gotta go out someplace far.

Like the desert or some... what are you doing?

Fifty-fifty...

Hank.

...with Cristobal.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Come on, get up!

We can't talk to each other on the phone.

♪ Fifty-fifty with Cristobal! ♪ People are looking at us. ♪ Fifty-fifty with Cristobal! ♪

♪ And Barry's training me an army! ♪ Hank. Hank! Stop!

Oh, my God!

That was intense. Mm-hmm?

Yeah, I was just on the phone with my friend Kate for like an hour rehashing some really difficult memories.

Wait, it was super helpful, though, to talk someone who was actually there, you know, just to get like a reality check.

That's great.

I feel like if I'm gonna tell this story, I just...

I have to do it a hundred percent honestly, you know?

And she basically remembers it exactly the same way I do.

Good.

Aw, you seem tense. Yeah?

Yeah, don't worry. Look, it's just a bit of writer's block.

Okay? It happens to everybody.

Who can you talk to to help with your story?

Um...

What about the Marines that you brought to Natalie's party?

They don't really talk anymore.

Oh.

Well, there has to be someone you can talk to about what you went through.

You listen to me, Barry, you dumb f*ck!

I want you to admit it. You k*lled Detective Janice Moss.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

No, I didn't, you little piece of sh*t.

Is that necessary? Just go. Just do it again.

Okay!

Barry, I know you k*lled Detective Janice Moss.

How? Because I was there.

You were? No.

Well, I think he would know that.

We don't know what he knows.

Why don't you just let me go talk to him, huh?

I built this guy's mind. You don't think I can tear it apart?

Just give me five minutes with him!

I'll have him sh1tting in my hand.

What? Wha...? Mm-hmm.

You better make it work. Or I'll go to jail.

Yeah. Jail. Okay. I hear you.

What the f*ck is this place?

This is a quinceañera store which I bought for my wife, who then left me.

So she's not my wife anymore, is she?

Thanks for bringing that up.

This quinceañera stuff, it's a really big deal for these young ladies.

Sort of like a female bar mitzvah.

All right, listen up, you clowns.

I'm just kidding. You guys look great.

So, we are super lucky today to begin exciting new project, learning all styles of combat from our very skilled special guest.

He's your teacher, but he's my best friend: Barry.

Before we get started, does anybody have any questions?

Is it true you are the most gifted assassin in all of America?

No, I'm not the most gifted assassin in all of America.

He is being modest. He is Air Jordan of assassins.

We're all very excited to be learning from you.

Will we be sh**ting g*ns today?

Yeah...

Wait, how many of you guys speak English?

Okay, bounce.

Come on, bounce. Get out.

Go on, take a break. Walk.

Oh, man!

These guys are like a Seal Team Six, huh?

Maybe even like seven and a half!

Natural born K*llers, huh?

For reals though, how long until they become like actual army?

You know, like two, three hours?

Hank, I can't magically wave a wand and make these guys an army. Their skill set sucks.

Well, you know what Sonny and Cher would say, that's on you, babe.

So come on, let's kick up the training a notch.

What do you think?

Whoa.

Holy sh*t, Mayrbek.

You're like regular Annie Oakley.

Nice!

Annie Oakley.

Hey, boss! Did you see?

Good, good, good.

Good job, man!

Sorry, we're closed.

So this is how you're earning a buck now, huh?

Selling sports bras? What the f*ck happened to you?

Fuches, listen...

No, you listen to me, you ungrateful piece of sh*t. I...

I'm really glad you're here.

Really?

Korengal, man? You really wanna talk about what happened in Korengal? Why?

Well, they wanted me to talk about my first confirmed, and I want to do something more positive.

So I was gonna talk about when I saved Albert, but that story...

That story gets f*cked up really fast.

Yeah. That's literally the worst story you could tell.

I mean, after everything we did to make that go away, you want to start f*cking blab about that?

Well, it has to be honest. That's why... Honest?

Yeah. Are you kidding me?

You start telling the truth about Korengal to those little acting buddies of yours, and they are never gonna look at you the same way again.

Come on, man. You're in show business.

They don't want honest, they want entertainment.

I mean, Jesus, you think that the real guy did that speech in Braveheart? No!

No, he went and got himself k*lled, you know?

But that's not a story, that's a situation.

So you gotta have him do the speech, you know, so everybody can say, "Oh, he d*ed for something."

Hey.

What's the matter with you, man? What?

Nothing. It's just, this is...

I...

I don't have this, you know?

Like, everyone in class, they have this.

It's like, Sally, she has a friend that, you know, she told her story to, and, you know, it was really helpful she said, because it was someone who was there.

Yeah.

Kind of someone who cared.

I don't know, I just can't talk about this sh*t with anybody...

Just shut up, man.

Just, you know...

I missed you, man.

I did. I know that sounds... We can talk about other sh*t.

I f*cking miss you so much.

Oh, okay. Get in here.

You don't think I f*cking missed you?

You're my boy. I got you. Yeah.

I love you, man. Thanks, Fuches.

I really miss you, man. I miss you, too, man.

Okay, so this is the true story of the moment that changed my life.

We were on patrol in the Korengal Valley.

Albert had been sh*t in the face, and I was giving him first aid.

And then something interesting happened.

Barry, we've gotta leave him! We've gotta go!

Go?

Go?!

Listen to me.

Run and live, at least for a while.

And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies...

...that they may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom... Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah? That's Braveheart.

No, it's not. That's definitely Braveheart.

I know this, 'cause I chased that movie for months.

Huh? I know I knew that from somewhere.

No. No, you don't.

I said that in Afghanistan. Dude, that was definitely Braveheart.

That's like my favorite movie. I said...

Where is the sheep-fucker story?

How do you go away from that?

I just I wanna do something inspirational and entertaining.

So you thought you would plagiarize Mel Gibson.

I'm Jewish! What the f*ck, Barry?

You were in a w*r, and you give us pizzi-caca.

You have got to get in touch with your inherent darkness.

It's not inherent. Trust me, that is exactly what it is, and it is dark.

And you better funnel it into your work, or there is the damn door.

Okay, you know what? I've got an idea.

Sally... Yes?

Have you settled on someone to play your ex?

Yeah, uh, Nick's doing it. Yo.

Is that firm?

Yes, yes. I don't know.

Okay, Barry's gonna play your ex.

Settled. Next.

Don't think I can play straight?

I played straight for 22 damn years, okay?

All right, um...

Are you sure you're comfortable with this?

Oh, my God, totally. Barry, you're nothing like Sam like at all.

If anything, I'm more comfortable with you doing it.

Hey, this is a really good stretch for you.

Try to access some rage, you know?

Okay?

Where do you want me to start? Oh, sorry. Top of two.

Why were you dancing with that guy?

Ken?

He's just a friend, Sam.

I don't care, I don't like it. It was embarrassing.

You look like a whore.

Can you try it again and just like really nail me with the word "whore"?

Really just come at me, you know?

Okay.

I don't care, I don't like it. It was embarrassing.

You looked like a whore. Sam... don't be an idiot. Don't call me a f*cking idiot.

I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this.

Why? This says I choke her.

It says I choke you. Mm-hmm.

I don't know if I can do that. I don't think I can choke you.

Oh, that's really sweet, Barry, but I've done like years of stage combat. It's fine.

You know what? That is so sweet, but what you need to do if you're gonna be in the scene, is you need to act.

I need to see you acting.

Yeah, if you don't choke me, then it doesn't make sense when I say, "You wanna choke me, you coward? Well, choke on this.

I'm f*cking leaving you!" So...

All right, action!

Okay. Hey, you can do it.

Why were you dancing with that guy? Ken?

He's just a friend, Sam.

I don't care, I don't like it. It was embarrassing.

You look like a whore. Sam... don't be an idiot. Don't call me a f*cking idiot!

Sam...

Don't be an idiot!

Come on. Hey.

Come on.

Sally, I can't choke you. Hey, Barry, come on.

No, just come on. It's just one thing...

Come on!

Don't do that. Please, Sally.

It's just something I'm not capable of...

Come on, you baby.

Hey!

Don't say that. Come on!

What are you doing? Don't do that.

Come on! Come on! Look, Sally...

Look, I know who you really are, okay? Don't touch me!

You pretend to be this nice guy... Stop it. Stop it!

...but deep down... you're nothing but rotten... Stop!

...and you like it. What is wrong with you?

That's why you're never gonna change and that's why I'm gonna f*cking leave you!

Why are you saying that stuff to me? Come on! Come on!

Stop saying that. f*cking choke me!

f*cking do it, you f*cking p*ssy!

f*cking do it! Come on! Barry, she's helping you.

Come on! Choke me! Stay in the scene with her. Let it out.

f*ck off!

sh*t.

Hey, Barry, hey!

Hey. Hey! Barry, wait! I'm sorry. Look, I took it too far, I know. I was trying to help you with the scene.

I'm sorry, okay? Look, look, I don't know why everybody wants me to do this, okay?

I don't want to hurt anybody! I know!

I get it. You don't have to hurt me, it's just acting.

It's just part of the scene, okay? It was only to...

What?

Hey, Sally.

Hey, Sam.

You don't think all this Spy Game stuff is overkill?

No. Just get him here, get him talking, and I'll do the rest.

You just hit me for the last time, Sam.

Hey, Sally said she didn't want you seeing that.

No you said you didn't want me to see it.

Sally, what's wrong?

How do I explain to people the beatings and apologies? You don't have to.

Your story is that your father was abducted and replaced by aliens?

That's what happened.

I'm having a little trouble with that.

It's the first time I ever felt a sense of purpose.

A sense of community.

First time I k*lled someone was the best day of my li...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We had this idea of, you know, this thing from your past that you don't like and how you rewrite it in your head.

And Barry does that and we kind of illustrate this in this way of showing the same flashback over and over again.

This is not the story of the first time I took a life, but the first time I saved a life.

He wants to tell a nice story

'cause the first story was so terrible, and it just gets a little bit more ridiculous as he's trying to navigate.

Okay, so this is the true story of the moment that changed my life.

It's an interesting thing in human nature that you rewrite your memories to favor what you want to be as opposed to what you really are.

You were in a w*r, and you give us pizzi-caca!

The same with Barry, the same with Cousineau, the Sally character is dealing with her past.

We find out about her ex-husband, Sam.

He choked you?

Oh, yeah, I mean, he was a total piece of sh*t.

She Facetimed her friend to get the real story, but it's just validation for her version of the story.

She's trying to sort of author the truth in that scene where she's like... Yeah.

"Right, remember and then this happened. Remember?"

Yeah, right, but that was after I told him to f*ck off.

Same as Barry, like they're both doing the same thing...

Yeah. ...which is that idea of like, "I'm gonna tell my truth, but it's the version of the truth that I feel the best about."

You know? Right.

When we sh*t on that roof, it was like...

A hundred degrees outside. It was so hot.

Troy, the actor who plays Akhmal...

I don't know how to sh**t g*n!

When he gets sh*t and drops out of frame...

I got f*cking sh*t!

The dialogue is all looped. Yeah.

What actually you would hear on the production track is Alec and I cracking up.

I think every take we ruined. Yeah.

You got good guys right here, man.

Initially, it was, "My guys are sh*t," and he goes, "Well, if we're sh*t, you're the king of sh*t Mountain."

And then on one take, Anthony improvised...

Oh, my god, my guys suck balls, you know it.

And Troy, his line was shi... so he went, "Well, we suck balls then you are king of Suck Balls Mountain!"

And we like lost it, like we had to cut.

Yeah. We all started laughing.

The crew, everyone. And Troy was like, "I'm sorry, I didn't know what to say!"

And we're like, "No, no, that's it now!"

Like, "That's now just the line."

If I suck balls, you are king of Suck Balls Mountain!

Shut the f*ck up.

What if I train your guys?

Tao, one of our writers said, "What if Barry trained the Chechens?"

These guys are like a Seal Team Six, huh?

Maybe even like a seven and a half.

And what he learns is that it's not like really a teachable skill, but then he's seeing that in this Mayrbek character.

Yeah, and does Barry then have a responsibility not to take this kid down the same path he went?

So this is how you're earning a buck now, huh?

Selling sports bras?

I really liked that scene.

Barry and Fuches have kind of a tearful...

Reunion. Reunion in the Lululemon.

There is oddly, an honesty to their relationship.

Yeah. 'Cause he's the only guy on Earth who actually knows who Barry really is.

Yeah, that's that weird thing of both things can be true.

I got ya. Fuches loves Barry, but he's also using him and is a bad guy.

I love you, man. Thanks, Fuches.