03x09 - Irrefutable Evidence

[bunniefuu]

Oh.

♪♪♪

Oh, my God.

That one!

- This one?
- Yes!

Oh, my gosh, this is the suitcase!

- How much for this one?
- $ .

This is worth like $ at
Montreal Lumber and Hardware.

- I give you $ .
- Fine, $ .

I'll take the suitcase and the red
Chane...

Aah! Oh, my God!

I thought that was a rat.

I'm sorry.
I keep thinking everything's a rat.

♪ Obedear, the sky is low ♪

♪ Watch fluent seamen
rig their rudders ♪

Where's your little lawyer?

I don't know.

She hasn't responded to
my texts all morning.

[SIGHS]

Hey, Bob?

Yeah?

What happened to the young lady juror

who was in the front row?

She had to be replaced
with an alternate.

She was nuts.

She told everybody in the
jury that she was a goblin

and that she slept with the judge,

the second chair prosecution... and
you.

[SCOFFS]

[SCOFFS]

Wow, that's crazy.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, what happened
to that juror, the girl?

I'm so sorry.

I was beginning to worry you were dead.

I am indeed not dead, Your Honor.

And my deepest apologies to the court.

Don't worry.

Something amazing is happening.

Your Honor [CLICKS TONGUE]

may I approach?

If you must.

Your Honor, some crucial
evidence has come to my attention

as of this morning.

Well, then we should recess.

Negative. Sorry, Polly.

I have a witness who needs
to leave the country tonight

for some much needed R&R.

May I emphasis the word "urgency"?

[SIGHS]

Okay, proceed.

Yes.

Your Honor, this stings.

Oh.

♪♪♪

[SNIFFS]

Excuse me, sir,
could you please put that out?

You're not allowed to smoke on the bus.

[BABY CRYING]

Oh.

My mistake.

Would you like to tell the
court about your morning?

Well, I took a bubble bath
And scrolled through some

pictures of myself in my s.

And then afterward,
I decided to clean the house.

And in the corner of my closet,
where I often do not look,

something caught my attention.

Oh, and what was it that
caught your attention?

A large zebra-print rollerboard suitcase

with a pull-out carrier handle,
neon pink trim,

and pitch-black lining.

Well, let's see it.

[SPECTATORS MURMURING]

Double trouble.

Oh, my God!

These are identical.

Is this yours?

Oh, no.

I wouldn't be caught dead in an airport

without my Louis Vuittons.

I just love how brown they are,

And you can smell
that leather for miles.

Has anyone other than
my client, Dory Sief,

lived with you over this past year?

Sigh, no.

I'm going through some pretty
ugly divorce proceedings,

so, um, nobody really
wants to be around me.

So would it be safe to assume

that it belongs to my client,

your only house guest this past year?

That's my best guess.

And I would just like to remind
the court that there were

two pieces of luggage

purchased on that evening from

Montreal Lumber and Hardware.

One ended up in the ground... Sad face.

The other ended up
in Gail Patel's closet.

No, no, stop, stop, stop!

Your Honor, I object to so much.

This exhibit is being
treated as evidence.

And I'm sorry, but the defense

could have easily planted this.

And don't we agree that the
timing of this appearance

is beyond suspicious?

The timing of this incident
was not manipulated.

Ugh!

I don't do that.

It's called happenstance.

And, Your Honor, she's just jealous.

Jealous? Please, I mean,
of your breast implants, maybe, but...

Oh, clutch the pearls.

But, uh, of your legal strategies, no.

Your Honor,
I would never get breast implants.

Order!

Ladies, please.

Let's leave the female form out of this.

I'm very sorry for getting heated.
My apologies.

But I think that this is
just too unbelievable.

Miss Danziger, you'll have
your chance to cross-examine.

And I shall not disappoint.

CASSIDY: Don't worry, Polly.

I just have one more question,
and she's all yours.

Big girl.

So, seeing these two suitcases,
what would you conclude?

I believe she brought the
suitcase back from Montreal,

left it, forgot about it,
and shouldn't be on trail

to begin with.

Thank you, Gail.

I mean, right?

No further questions, Your Honor.

And I just want to say, Mommy says hi.

Oh, she's the best.

She is, kind of.

She's all yours, Jiggles.

I'm Jiggles?

Sit down, Wiggles.

Miss Patel, is it fair to say
that before this morning,

you have never noticed this
loud zebra-print suitcase

in the corner of your closet, right?

Yes, that is correct, but that

doesn't mean it wasn't there...

- Okay, shh, shh, shh.
- ... because I don't organize my own...

Shh, shush.

Shut... Shut the hole.

So we don't know for a
fact how long or not long

this was residing in your closet,
do we, now?

I have no way of knowing
what's in my home ever.

So we don't even know if
this is even from Montreal.

Oh, well, actually,
I-I opened it, and inside,

there is a book of matches.

It... It says "Lait Rouge Bar
Canadien."

And I looked it up.

I did a little translating,
and it is a bar in Canada.

Yeah?! Oh, my God.

I like yummy food, too.

♪♪♪

What?

How?

Matches.

[GASPS]

Call the cavalry.

There's matches and nothing else.

And I'm sorry,
but why are we being persuaded

to substantiate this as evidence?

Because this is just smoke and mirrors.

Attention!

Attention!

Dory Sief is a m*rder*r!

A m*rder*r!

I have evidence that she
m*rder*d Keith Powell

And then m*rder*d my twin sister,
April Canyon!

JUDGE HELLERMAN: Order!

Security, remove this woman out
of my courtroom immediately!

Somewhere out there
exists a cassette tape

with a confession recorded on it.

And my sister wrote about this

in her journal before she d*ed!

[GAVEL BANGING]

Proving all of it!

Get her out of here!

[GAVEL BANGING]

Find the tape!

Find the tape!

Wasn't there a tape?

When Dory was arrested,
didn't she have a cassette tape on her?

Yeah, there was,
but she tried to destroy it.

We tried to listen to it,
but it's too damaged to play.

Fix it!

My name is June Canyon,
and my sister is April Canyon,

And she has been
missing since June th.

I now believe her to be dead, as

I hold in my hands her journal,
which details

how she had evidence that
Dory Sief and Drew Gardner

m*rder*d Keith Powell
and how she intended

to meet Dory Sief on
the Staten Island Ferry

at : p.m. that night to trade a tape

that had Dory and her friends'
confession on it.

I will now read the journal entry.

"Serapoakokeena kapahestiloloba."

Sorry, what... What language is this?

Oh, I'm sorry. I should have said.

This is a language only my
sister and I can understand.

It's our twin language.

[REPORTERS MURMURING]

She's crazy. I'm a twin.

That is not a real language.

♪♪♪

[SPEAKING PORTUGUESE]

"Bareemotopaskatichi."

Roughly translated means,

"If I do not return, that motopa,"

which there really isn't
a word for in English,

But essentially, it's, pardon me,
but, "bitch k*lled me.

In which case,
please dredge the Hudson River."

Where you goin', sugar?

Hugget.

Why the hell is a city boy like you

looking to get to Hugget for?

Well, I am indeed a Hugget boy, ma'am.

Well, then get on in, darlin'.

So luckily, the journal

was nothing but
indecipherable ramblings.

But is there anything
else we need to know?

No.

Is there a tape?

No. Absolutely not.

Oh, my God. Yes. Yes, there's a tape.

Of course there's a tape.

If it comes to light,
would it be bad news for us?

No. I mean, there's nothing on it.

It would be terrible news.

CASSIDY: Okay, in
light of today's chaos,

I think that this is
grounds for a mistrial.

I'm gonna start all over.

Next year,
we'll add in a plea of self-defense.

No.

We're doing well, right?

So why would we backpedal?

I would be able to build
a much better case story

now that I know the truth.

And what do you mean "the truth"?

What do you mean "the truth"?

Okay, yeah, so we mistrial.

If we start over, can Dory and I

be tried separately this time?

What?

Hey, um... Just to be honest with
everyone,

I might not be alive in one year.

DREW: What, Bob?

I'm so sorry to hear that.

It'll probably work out.

I'm throwing a lot of money at it.

When I was a kid, I...

liked the color of
the paint on the wall,

And I used to lick it and chew

on it and eat the paint chips,
'cause it was lead paint.

So now I'm paying for it.

Damn paint.

CHANTAL: As of this moment,
I envision Chantal's Castle

to be located in the heart of Midtown.

Chantal's Castle must be
in the shape of a heart

from a bird's-eye view.

It's imperative.

Let me tell you what
I love about this girl.

She has a vision,
and she's ready to do the work.

MAN: I'm gonna trust
you've done your homework.

I don't want this to turn out
to be another Pelican Islands.

Oh, no, no, no!

Chantal is the perfect funnel.

Well, you think you can
create a castle in days?

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Oh, so tell me, would you be willing

to accept incognito funding
from offshore accounts...

the Caymans, for instance?

Oh, I would never build a business

based on discrimination.

Chantal's Castle will
house all races of women.

[CHUCKLES]

Will... I think we're in business.

Well, my dear... welcome to your
castle.

Wait. Does that mean I get the money?

[LAUGHS]

I get my castle?

[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.

I'm a princess!

I'm finally a princess!

Oh, my God.

Money.

GARRETT: How long's this gonna take?

MAN: Well, as I told you before,
this tape is stretched.

Well, can you fix it or no?

[SIGHS]

I think I can.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[LAUGHS]

Hello, my angels.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

Daddy's home.

Daddy's home.

So you've been an audio technician

for, what, years now?

years, ma'am.

I'm only years old.

Oh, right.

And what, uh, repair work did you do?

I reconstructed a portion of this tape

That had been chewed up by Dory Sief.

It was significantly
damaged, But I managed

to piece it back together.

Can you briefly tell the court

Just what it is we're about to
hear on this recording today?

Yes, this is one of two
salvageable sections of the tape

Featuring the voices of
Dory Sief and Drew Gardner

arguing over...
Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

No spoilers.

Okay.

Um, can somebody dim the lights

while I play this back, please?

Thank you.

- [CLICK]
- DREW: We did it, though.

You have to admit
that we did what we did.

DORY: I know!

I know we m*rder*d Keith, okay?

[SPECTATORS MURMURING]

Well, well, well.

What you heard, folks,
is what we might call [SIGHS]

evidence in its most inarguable form.

Not some piece of store-bought luggage

just dragged in here
at the last minute, no.

What you heard was
an accidental confession.

Would you mind repeating
the words in the recording

That you find the most damning?

Um, sure.

"I know.

I know we m*rder*d Keith, okay?"

"We... m*rder*d... Keith."

I heard "pancake."

What?

I beg your pardon?

I didn't hear "m*rder*d."

I heard "pancaked."

[SPECTATORS MURMURING]

I actually heard "pancake," too.

Your Honor, I heard "pancaked" as well.

Miss Danziger, please play the

recording for the court again.

We did it, though.

You have to admit
that we did what we did.

I know!

I know we pancaked Keith, okay?

"I know we pancaked Keith, okay?"

I heard it that time, too.

But you didn't hear...

How many people heard
"pancake" this time?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

POLLY: The tape clearly
states "We m*rder*d Keith."

I'm sorry. I have to play it again.

I have to play it again.

Now, remember, this is essentially

A confession to a m*rder!

I know! I know we m*rder*d Keith, okay?

Okay.

I-I don't know what
I'm supposed to write.

I heard "m*rder*d,"

then I heard "pancaked,"

then I heard "m*rder*d."

All right, who hears "m*rder*d"?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

And who hears "pancaked"?

Pancake!

Pancaked, right?

I've never been so sure
of anything in my life.

I hear both.

- Pancake!
- Okay!

Let's just say that it was "pancake,"
which it isn't.

But let's just say it is.

[SCOFFS]

What does that even mean?

You can't pancake a person, no.

You can. I'm looking it up.

According to urbanlingo.net,
pancakin...

"a sexual act in which a
pancake is wiped across

a person's assh*le and then
slapped against their titties

"until one or both partners comes."

Your Honor!

My clients are not on trial
for having sex with food!

Okay, all right.

I'm sorry.

I get it.

Folks, I get it.

This is fun. This is silly. This is fun.

Okay, we're having a laugh, a good time.

I need to bring everybody
back down to earth right now.

I need to bring you
back down to the ground!

May I also remind the court...

... that this cassette has been

in the possession of a woman
that none of us have seen

hide nor hair of for four
months because she was probably

also m*rder*d by Dory Sief!

Objection!

Your Honor, this is
dangerous speculation.

JUDGE HELLERMAN: Sustained.

And I'm sorry, Miss Danziger,

but in light of this
confusion and hysteria,

I find this evidence to be inadmissible.

Strike it from the record.

[SPECTATORS MURMURING]

You are so friggin' lucky.

Hmm.

I told you there's nothing on the tape.

♪♪♪

[g*nshots]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Mama?

Eldad?

Why, I was not expecting this.

I'm sorry for leaving, Mama.

Oh, hush.

We was just glad you were out
there in the world, sugar.

You always was the
different one, anyway.

I think I may be too different, Mama.

I can't be myself.

I can't just be.

I gotta invent.

[VOICE BREAKING] Please, Mama,
tell me, why am I this way?

Did something awful happen
to me that I can't remember?

I need some sort of peace so
I can live with myself, Mama!

Well, there is this one thing

I've always been scared to tell you.

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

[GASPS]

- Elliot Goss.
- Charlie Reeny.

The network loves us.

No!

It means start thinking about

What kind of show you
want to make together,

Because that's what's going to happen.

Can you do dinner in minutes?

Yes, but in like six hours.

Perfect.

I'll see you then.

[LAUGHS]

[g*nshots CONTINUE]

Ladies and gentlemen,
you have exhibited patience,

focus, and [LAUGHS]

weathered some surprises along
the journey of this trial.

But [CLICKS TONGUE] it's always

been my assumption... Polly...

That you've never lost sight

of the truth behind this case.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Mommy, what?

I'm working.

Oh, my God.

Um, Dory.

What's going on?

Are you...
Are you feeling weird about today?

You're fired.

Excuse me?

I don't want you on this case anymore.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, um... I'm sorry, but you're
obviously

acting irrational right now.

I mean... You don't believe me.

Dory... no one believes you.

I didn't do it.

[SCOFFS] Okay.

Well, I don't have to believe you.

I just need to do the
best damn job I can.

I can't have somebody representing me

who doesn't believe me.

Okay, I believe you.

Look, don't do this.

Go home.

Get some sleep, okay,
and I'll forget all about this.

And, anyway, it's crazy
to try to replace me

right before the verdict.

I'm not replacing you.

I'm sorry, what... What do you mean?

I will be representing myself.

[SCOFFS]

So...

It was nice doing business with you.

♪♪♪

Well, just so you know...

... I heard "m*rder."

♪ Well, I've never been
quite properly civilized ♪

♪ And it seems the situation
has come to a head ♪

♪ But if the only other option
is minding my manners ♪

♪ Let me tell you something, mister ♪

♪ 'Cause I'd rather be dead ♪

♪ Oh, I, I ♪

♪ I've gone wild ♪