04x06 - The Thoughtless Woman

[bunniefuu]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[ETHEREAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[DOOR BUZZES]

Good morning.

I'm glad you slept in because breakfast

took me forever. [LAUGHS]

I made us King Arthur blintzes.

Wow.

I'll set the table.

Mm-hmm.

[SOFT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ Oh, but dear ♪

♪ The sky is low watch ♪

♪ Fluent seamen ♪

♪ Rig their rudders so they'll... ♪

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC]

I had a really amazing dream last night.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I was...

a monarch butterfly.

And I knew that...

I only had three days to live.

So I had to fly around the world

and see all of the
things I hadn't seen yet.

Budapest.

Machu Picchu.

[CHUCKLES]

Those snow baboons.

- From Japan?
- Yeah.

And then...

I had an epiphany.

I can't go that far in three days.

And that's fine.

[CHUCKLES] Because I'm here.

And I'll see what I see.

Wow.

All of that...

in one dream.

Mm.

You're lucky.

I have the same nightmare every night.

That my face is on the cover
of newspapers everywhere...

and the headline just says, "Pathetic,"

and the newspaper's called
"The Pathetic Times,"

and everybody's reading it

and laughing at me and pointing at me.

It's truly awful.

Oh, Chip.

That sounds so stressful.

- You're not pathetic.
- I know that!

I don't think that.

I think I'm very impressive.

I guess my dreams hate me

for some reason. [LAUGHS]

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

I know this sounds strange,
but I just feel like...

a completely different person.

All I know is that...

I just don't want to look like...

Her.

♪ ♪

I think I can help you with that.

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Okay, so...

We Googled "Who's the boy on the"

- "Lil Sticky's wrapper?"
- Mm-hmm.

We pasted all of the missing person signs

- all over the city.
- Mm-hmm.

Maybe we just tweet at Lil Sticky's

and see what happens.

[SCOFFS] And say what?

"@LilStickysBun,

"we suspect that the person on your wrapper

"kidnapped our best friend?" Yeah, right.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Honestly, yeah.

Mm-hmm. That's true.

Okay, great. Um...

yeah, so I think that the post

should come from the account
that has the most followers

- so that they'll reply.
- Right.

So, um, Elliott, that's probably you.

Thank you.

- Drew, that's so mean!
- It's true, honey.

[SIGHS] I'm just trying to be honest.

"@LilStickysBun... with all due respect... "

That's good. That sounds smart.

Yeah. "We suspect... "

"that the boy on your packaging...

- "kidnapped our friend... "
- Mm-hmm.

"Please advise."

- Send.
- Good, perfect.

It's perfect. Clean, clear.

What a collection.

Yeah.

They're all my aunt Lilah's.

She went bald from
stress when I was a baby,

so she just bought a ton of wigs

and really just had fun with it.

[GASPS] Mm...

Chip...

this looks crazy! [LAUGHS]

Uh, yeah. I guess you're right.

Okay. Um...

what about...

Oh!

What about this one?

[SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC]

This could be you.

Yeah? Okay.

♪ ♪

I like it.

Well, it's really working.

Really working.

Blonde Dory.

♪ ♪

Should I change my name, too?

If you want.

Okay.

What about...

Stephanie?

[LAUGHS]

You don't like it.

Well, Stephanie...

Should we celebrate somehow?

I'm thinking...

We go out into the world together.

My Aunt Lilah has some fabulous outfits

I could put you in.

And no one would even
recognize who you are.

Or who you were.

♪ ♪

Ooh, boo-boos.

I have an idea.

We could all apply
for jobs at Lil Sticky's.

- [PHONE VIBRATING]
- Hmm, that's true,

but I think that's maybe a longer plan

- than we wanna take on.
- Ooh, um... yeah.

I just, uh... wait one second.

Hi! Um... how are you?

I'm coming to Chicago! [LAUGHS]

- Wait, wha... what?
- To see you!

I booked my flight and everything.

I leave tonight! And it's a red-eye,

which I've always wanted to take.

It sounds so elite!

No, no, no, um... are you...

Actually you're gonna have to, um...

cancel that flight, 'cause...

I'm not in Chicago.

What? [LAUGHS]

Well, where are you?

Um, I'm in, um, uh...

I'm in New York.

What? Why?

[LAUGHS] Since when?

Um, just, uh... yeah.

Just this morning 'cause I, um...

yeah, do you know that the high...

The speech that I gave at the high school.

I was... it became, like... so beloved

that they want me to do it in New York.

What?

Yeah, it's, uh... yeah.

'Cause it's like the...
My high school, apparently,

is, like, a part of a bigger
conglomerate of high schools.

And, yeah, so now I'm, like,
kind of on this, um...

- speech tour, and...
- [CHUCKLES]

Life is so crazy.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, do you think you'll be back

for the Snowflake Gala?

- [BOTH SCREAMING]
- Drew, come in here!

I-I hope so. I don't know.

I gotta... I gotta go.

The high school is yelling at me.

Okay! I love y...

What'd they say?

Okay, so the tweet says,

"Kidnapping is a big mood.

Check your DMs."

And then the DM says,

"We kindly ask that you
please delete your tweet.

"Please meet us at our flagship location

"in New Jersey today at : p.m.

We will send a ca... "
They're gonna send a car.

[ETHEREAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hi. Okay.

Whew...

Oh, sh**t.

- What?
- Oh, one of...

Paula Jo's lovely angels
fell into the driveway.

- Oh.
- Um...

I'm gonna go move it.

I'll be right back. Okay?

You just stay right there.

Just a sec.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SCREAMS]

Ah! Okay.

[GROANS]

All aboard who's coming aboard!

- Me.
- Ah!

Oh, my gosh. I'm so excited!

I'm so glad you suggested ice cream!

What's it called again?

- Caramel balsamic swirl.
- Swirl.

Caramel-la-la-la.

- [LAUGHS]
- There's so many Ls in it.

[ENGINE TURNS OVER] Oh, I love it.

Why, hello!

You must be the Elliott Goss party,

am I right?

That's right!

We are just so sorry

to hear about your
friend who was kidnapped.

It just sounds awful.

I'm Richard Wreck, CEO and chairman

of Wreck Foods, multinational conglomerate,

parent company of Lil Sticky's.

And this is my wife. This is Gertrude.

You are all so put together

for people living in such a nightmare!

You must be in hell! Worried sick!

Thank you so much for saying that.

Honestly, it has been hell.

That's a perfect word to describe

what we're going through.

Well, we just want you to know

that we take this very seriously.

So what we thought is, we'd offer you

a personal tour of the facilities

and, you know,
get to know you a little better.

Do you do that to everyone
who tweets at you?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You, sir, are Elliott Goss.

You're a celebrity,

and you are going to
get the star treatment.

Okay, thank you. I weirdly needed that.

It's become hard for me
to operate otherwise,

so, yeah, we'll take the tour.

Shall we?

Oh, we...

Come on!

And away we go!

Okay! [LAUGHS]

I'm with this person. We're best friends.

Just two people...

walking together...

as friends...

Intimacy...

- Hmm.
- Oh, my God.

People are so jealous of us.

I mean, you have to understand,
people are very lonely.

You know, they hardly have anyone.

And I...

What?

It's closed?

[SCOFFS]

It's closed?

"After years of servicing
this wonderful town,

we've decided to stop."

No! No!

It can't be closed!

That was the plan!

I wanted caramel balsamic swirl!

And now I can't because
it's closed forever.

[SOBBING]

That's what I want!

I-I want it now!

[SOBBING]

Hey, Chip, Chip, Chip! It's okay!

Lilah!

Lilah...

It's okay.

It's just ice cream.

Mm?

[SIGHS]

Come on.

[ROCK CLATTERS]

I bet there's another
ice cream shop nearby,

and they have all
different kinds of flavors,

and then you get to try something

that you've never had before!

Life is good.

Seriously.

Don't forget that.

[POUNDING ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

But then it turned out to be
a completely different twink,

and, apparently,
the twink who we believe to be on your logo

stole the identity of the twink
who lives on the houseboat.

What, exactly, is a twink?

Oh, a twink is a young
man with a slim build

and supple, boyish qualities,

but, at a certain age,
a twink becomes a twunk.

Oh!

And just, like, we're at such a loss

for what to do next,
and we're really worried

about our friend, you know what I mean?

- As you should be.
- Yeah.

I mean, you've been through so much.

Especially you, Portia.

That incident with the rats?

How horrifying!

And sticky!

You say your friend's name is...

Dory Sief?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, that is it.

Hmm... Well, I'm only asking

'cause I want to make
sure that we understand

exactly how to help you.

I think we just want to know
who that guy is, you know?

Do you have any information on him?

'Cause we just really believe
that the resemblance...

- Yeah.
- Is kind of undeniable, so.

Well, strangely...

I think that I can answer that question...

- right here and now.
- Wow!

We intimately know the
subject of our wrappers.

His name is Mickey Skunkman,

and he's something of a
celebrity around here.

Both: Mickey!

Tada!

- [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, here he is.

I'm sorry. What's happening?

So these are my young fans.

- Yep.
- Yes, they are, Mickey.

[LOUDLY] And they're very excited

to meet you!

In , we decided to put a face to...

Lil Sticky's, and we sourced

a-a very famous and iconic photo...

Uh... you might recognize it

if you knew anything about history.

Of a young boy with glittering eyes,

just smiling at the Hindenburg blimp

when it burst into flames.

That photograph made me
a celebrity overnight.

Oh! And lucky for me...

I had the voice of an angel!

I sang this song to Doris Monkey...

on the Lenny/Danny Radio Hour.

Oh, my gosh. I love Doris Monkey.

[LAUGHS]

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ With a lady of the night ♪

♪ She might be testy ♪

♪ She might be lazy ♪

♪ But at night ♪

- ♪ She gets so crazy! ♪
- [CHUCKLES]

♪ My wife wants to know ♪

♪ Where's the money for the rent? ♪

- [CHUCKLES]
- ♪ But I play dumb ♪

♪ Because I know where
all that good money went ♪

It went to the lady of the night.

Yay! So good!

♪ It's that old lady ♪

♪ Of the night ♪

- Oh!
- That's great!

But could I have my hand back? [LAUGHS]

- You tell 'em.
- So I'm sorry.

So what you're saying is that this man

is the little boy on the wrapper.

And I have the paperwork to prove it.

Tell him. Tell him what you think he did.

Oh, no, no, no. We don't...

No, we don't think that he did...

Well, he is the boy in the logo.

And... and you think the boy in the logo

is a fiend, so tell him. Go ahead.

What did I do, ravishing lady?

Well, you know, we...

thought that the...

man on the wrapper was the
man that chloroformed me

and covered me in honey,
and then tried to get rats

to eat my body.

And we also think that
he kidnapped our friend,

but, you know...

- Do you think I hurt you?
- D... no.

Do you think I did this terrible thing?

No, no, see, that's what I'm trying to say.

Mickey, we actually know you didn't.

- I can't even walk.
- I know.

- How can I...
- Yeah.

Collect and transport a whole army of rats?

You're really hurting my hand.

Mickey, Mickey, Mickey. They're just...

- Thank you.
- Some crazy, mixed-up kids.

You know what, actually, we should go

'cause we're going to Chelsea Piers

- for this, like, tournament.
- Yeah.

- The tennis.
- q*eer tennis tournament.

- So let's go.
- Oh, wait, wait a minute.

- Hold on, hold on.
- It's a beautiful song.

Why don't we just take a picture here

with Mickey while we still have him?

I'll take it. I have the new phone.

- Okay.
- Get behind him.

One, two, three. Go on, darling.

- You look so pretty.
- Snuggle in.

- My friend.
- Squeeze in.

Okay, everybody!

Say...

"Sticky's"!

ALL: Sticky's! [SHUTTER CLICKS]

Say "Sticky's"!

All: Sticky's!

A-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup. Elliott.

Sticky's!

BOTH: Sticky's! [GERTRUDE LAUGHS]

Uh, my thumbs are in
each one of the pictures.

Here, one more.

Say...

Sticky's!

ALL: Sticky's! [SHUTTER CLICKS]

So, listen, if you guys want
to go for a night on the town,

you just keep this driver
for as long as you want.

Okay, wow, so generous. Thank you.

Wonderful to have met all of you.

Yeah, you too! Okay, bye!

- Bye!
- Be well, I love you.

- Love you!
- I don't know why I said that.

- They know something.
- No, they don't.

They don't know what they don't know.

I'm very tired. I need some rest.

All right. You did great, Uncle Pete.

Anything for the family.

Oh, Richard.

- I feel very anxious.
- Hmm.

And I'm tired of lying to poor people.

You promised me I'd never have to do that.

Now I feel like that's all I do.

All right, I know it feels dire,

but whatever our son did,

I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

[LAUGHS] I worry.

He's a very delicate boy.

Do you like yours?

No, I don't like it.

Pecan praline.

A stupid flavor!

Surprise, surprise.

Well, you should've gotten mint chip.

It's pitch perfect.

I'm gonna throw this up.

I'm so mad today!

[ETHEREAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- Dory?

[LAUGHS] Dory?

[LAUGHS]

Hi! Oh, my God!

You look incredible!
I almost didn't recognize you.

This hair! [SCOFFS]

You are finally dressing for your figure.

[CHUCKLES]

What are you doing in Babyfoot?

This is positively wild.

You know, I come here every year

to buy my Christmas tree,

because it is the only town

that will bypass federal laws
and let you cut them down

from the protected forest nearby.

[WHISPERING] So they're gorgeous.

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKING] How are you?

Aw...

your cone.

Mm.

I'm with you, though.

Everything in my life
is upside-down lately,

because of my Saturn return.

I'm trying to ride it out, but...

[SCOFFS] It's gonna be the death of me.

All righty.

Well...

I guess I'm gonna go. [CHUCKLES]

It's really good to see you, Dory.

Well...

Okay, look, I know what this is about.

You're mad at me because I left your friend

at the altar, but you have to understand

that I will always have love for Elliott.

Can we take a picture?

[LAUGHING] It's just so funny

that we ran into each other, you know?

It's not to make Elliott jealous.

It's just to...

celebrate the weird
coincidence or whatever.

Mm... [SHUTTER CLICKS]

[LAUGHS] Uh, I'm gonna caption it

"Mark and Dory forever."

See?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Dory is dead.

[LAUGHING]

Crazy.

♪ ♪

Okay.

Rude.

[CHUCKLES]

Stephanie!

[SOBBING]

Ah! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Are you okay?

Take me home.

- Take me home.
- Okay.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello, Mr. Wreck.

- How are we today?
- Question for you.

Uh, you haven't seen my son, Charles...

Er... Chip Wreck lately, have you?

Not lately, Mr. Wreck.

Though he did stay in your suite, um...

for a couple of weeks,
just a few months ago.

Ah. A few months ago.

Um, did he happen to...

say where he would be heading after?

He left a doll of you and your wife behind,

and asked me to mail it
to your sister's house

in Babyfoot, Massachusetts.

Ah. Well.

That's very helpful.

Uh... thank you, Allen.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Um...

Well, he's in Babyfoot.

At Lilah's.

Oh.

- What?
- Nothing.

- You're upset.
- Why would I be upset?

- She's just my sister.
- Is she?

- Is she, Richard?
- [SIGHS]

Is she just your sister?

Don't do that.

[MELLOW ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

[GROANS] Okay, it's official.

They are fully lying to us.

I swear to God,
there is not a single article on here

about "Mickey Skunkman,"
and I don't think there was

ever any such thing as...

as the "Lenny/Danny Radio Hour"
or Doris Monkey.

I mean, none of these things ever existed.

I feel really stupid saying this,

but I just feel like something...

very sticky is going on here.

So they just made all that up?

That seems like something
that you would do.

You should've seen through that.

Oh, come on, Dr... I...

Yeah, you're right. I would do that.

- Wait, Portia.
- Yeah.

You said you knew who Doris Monkey was.

Yeah, um...

Doris Monkey is a...

She was from that...
She was incredible in that.

What was it, the... with the...
little animals and...

all the people running around and...

And I've loved her since I was so little,

and my parents were always like,

"Portia, stop being so
obsessed with Doris,"

and then I was trying
to be her for Halloween

one year, and she would...

In the interviews, she'd go "Zabba-doo,"

and so she was an idol of mine,

and actually, a lot of my work

has been sort of influenced...
Sweetie, sweetie,

sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, she's not real.

What I'm saying.

All right, fine.

I just don't know what happened today.

I feel like we're not even
looking for Dory anymore,

and now we're just on this path to,
like, outing a company

'cause they acted psychotic towards us.

- [EXHALES]
- Look, look, look.

All I know is that the twink
is still out there, okay?

And he is the face of Lil Sticky's!

- I know.
- And Richard

and Gertrude Wreck lied to us today.

[GASPS] Oh!

What? What?

Oh, my God!

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

Elliott...

Mark and Dory are together.

- [SCREAMS]
- What?

And they both look terrible.

- Oh, God.
- Oh.

Why does she look like that?

Oh, my God. We did it.

We actually did it.

We put our minds to something...

and we were really smart about it.

We followed our intuition and we did it.

♪ ♪

We found Dory.

♪ On my, on my way ♪

♪ ♪

♪ On my, on my way ♪

♪ ♪

both: ♪ On my, on my way ♪

♪ ♪

♪ On my, on my way ♪

♪ ♪

[COUGHS]