02x05 - Curse of the Grandmas

[bunniefuu]

Niles.
Huh?

Brighten says my uniform
makes me look like a dork.

I wear a uniform.
Do I look like a dork?

Remember what happened to Gretel ...

I see we've customized
our Red Robin uniform.

Believe me,
you sell more cookies my way.

Does anybody know what today is?

Another one of your colorful
holidays involving plagues?

Hey, don't knock the Jewish holidays.
They get you out of more school than mono.

No. One year ago today was the day
that Danny dumped me for Heather Biblow,

which would make one year ago tomorrow the day
that Heather found Nair in her Pert Plus,

which would make Friday the day that
she bought her first Ava Gabor wig.

Grab the wheel, Miss Fine,
you're swerving.

Oh. Sorry.

Which would make Saturday the first anniversary
of the day that I started to work here.

Oh, it seems like only yesterday
when you called the Orkin Man

when I served escargot.

I don't care how rich you are, you don't eat
something that leaves a trail of slime behind it.

Oh, don't you look adorable in that uniform.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
I was talking to Grace, Miss Fine.

Oh ... But you do look... well, I know
Robin's are always prepared, but for what?

Oh, you're just going to have
to earn a merit badge to find out.

It was very sweet of you to volunteer
to be Grace's troop mother, Miss Fine.

Oh, my pleasure.

That's the last time I ever
scratch my armpit in public.

Miss Fine, will you be
free Saturday night?

Saturday? Why?

Well, I'd rather not discuss it.
I just want to be sure you can be here.

I'm all yours, and
I have been for a year.

Oh, I can't believe he remembered.
Is he a doll or what?

You know, if he asks, I don't
expect anything Size .

I have never felt so wanted or
appreciated Bloomingdales, rd floor.

Well, I just hope he doesn't go
overboard diamonds are forever.

Okay, Red Robins, now survival tips.

Listen closely because the proper
knot can save your life.

You're in the woods, you look around,
all of a sudden you squish a bug right here.

Well, the proper slip knot, not
only can conceal those unwanted bug guts,

but it also creates a flattering neckline
and gives the illusion of cleavage.

You're a born leader, Miss Fine.

Well, you know, I was leader of
my Weight Watchers group.

You had a weight problem? Oh, yeah.

I once woke up with a Milky Way in my mouth.
I still don't know how it got there ...

Where you going? Oh, we're going down
to Macy's to buy a present for someone.

Not you.
Yeah, for my friend...

Mark.
Oh, Mark. What are you getting him?

Chanel No. .

Oh, well, perhaps Mark would enjoy
a lighter, more floral scent.

Jean Nate, Le Detante.

It's the thought that counts.
Take your father's credit card ...

Okay, ladies, now today's field trip

we're going to my grandma's
retirement home,

and you're each going to adopt
your very own grandma.

What's the pink tissue for?
Oh, give that to your grandma.

It makes a lovely wrist and
brassiere strap ornament.

Nanny Fine, you are not going to make those
decrepit old ladies feel any younger

by bringing in these vibrant, wrinkle
free girls. This is not "Cocoon."

Well, how would you feel if you were alone
and forgotten without any friends?

Oh, bad example.

I know when I'm old I'd rather be
in a dark room with the drapes drawn,

the mirrors covered, and a really
big bottle of Nyquil.

Not me. I'm going to be
a platinum blond prune

down in Miami just pulling up my tube top
and cha-cha-cha-ing with the cabana boys.

I'd rather die young.

And we're all pulling for you.

We don't go young in my family.
No. We Fines like to linger

and be a burden to others for
as long as possible.

Okay, Red Robins,
now remember your manners.

No loud noises, and whatever you do,
don't unplug anything.

Cupcakes, tissues okay, go find
your grandmas and introduce yourselves ...

Hi, Grandma Yetta.

Boy, are you a big robin.
What? Were you left back?

Yetta, it's Fran.

Fran? Where's Kukla and Ollie.

Yetta, if you're going to live
in the past, pick the Renaissance.

Why didn't you sign up for
a Red Robin like everybody else.

Because I'm not a joiner.

Look at them. Staring at Jeopardy like
they know European Monarchs for .

Most of them can't remember
their room number.

Oh, Gracie, honey, why aren't you
talking to your new grandma?

Mrs. Cramer wasn't in her room.
They said she checked out.

Maybe she moved to Florida.
No. They said she bought a farm.

Farm? The woman couldn't grow a wart.

Well, maybe she was going to
the well to kick the bucket?

Oh, you don't have to paint
me a picture.

Gracie, sweetie, the grandma that was
assigned to you passed away.

Oh, can I eat her cupcake?

Sure, sweetie.
Kids are so resillent.

Honey, I'm so sorry. You were definitely
supposed to get a live one.

Fran, Cramer's room was
on a corner.

That's cross ventilation, Yetta.

Has anyone moved in yet?

Bye.

Bye, my beautiful Red Robins.

Fly... Fly... Fly...

the hell out of here.

I am guessing the field trip was less than a total
success considering there was a body count.

Fran, I don't want to be
a Red Robin anymore.

Oh, come on, honey.
One old lady dies on you

and you're already turned off
to the whole Red Robin experience?

I'll get it. Sit down and relax.
We'll watch court TV.

Who's on?

The Menendez boys.
They're back for a second season.

Hello, I'm Mrs. Livingston,
Heather's mother.

Oh, come in.

Is that Heather with the freckles
or Heather with the extra pinkie?

Oh, it's a real treat watching
her sip tea.

Miss Fine, this is a little awkward.
We're making a change in our domestic staff,

and the kids all say such great
things about the Sheffield home.

Well, in the short year
that I've been here,

I have added a certain element
of style and panache to this house.

Huh? When did I eat corn?

Miss Fine, let me finish.
No. It's very flattering,

but I can't even consider it
even if you doubled my salary

and offered me an Eldorado
in the Bill Blast color scheme,

I'd have to turn you down.
Who'd pay the insurance?

Not you, Miss Fine... Niles.

Niles would pay my insurance?

No, we want Niles.

Could you just find out for us
if he's happy here?

Oh ... Well, what is it,
that fancy English accent?

Because, you know, if I wanted to,
I could talk with an accent too.

What was wrong with the blouse
I picked out for Fran?

Oh, no. It was cheap and incredibly tacky.
You could see right through it.

And what's the downside of that?

I want to get her something
she doesn't already have.

Hi, kids.

Fran, if you were ... ah ...

Mark?
Yeah, Mark.

Mark ...
Would you like a pair of earrings?

Oh, I think Mark would
love the earrings.

Just make sure they're clip-ons.

Mark doesn't have pierced ears?

No, his lobes are too fatty.
It runs in his family.

Mr. Sheffield. I hope
I'm not bothering you

like you're talking to some caterer
about something... shrimp cocktail, rumaki.

Miss Fine, we're in a bit of a crunch here.
Do you have anything to say
that's even remotely comprehensible?

Oh, all right, all right.
But I did want to tell you this in private.

Follow my eyes?

What? You don't want to talk
in front of the lamp?

What? Oh, Niles, oh, you can
speak freely in front of him.

We have no secrets in this house.
That's because he listens at the door.

How else would I hear you scratching
to get back in?

Well, someone is trying to hire away one of
your most valued domestic employees.

Niles.

Well, I didn't say that, but,
yeah, Niles. How'd you guess?

Well, there's scarcely a day goes by when
I don't get a telephone call requesting Niles.

An employee of his skills and
breeding is always in demand.

I'm hot.

Well, next time you get one of
those calls for me,

you just tell them I'm not interested.

Will do, Miss Fine.

What's so funny?
Oh, nothing.

No one ever calls for me?
Well, actually, there was one.

See.
Your mother.

Clairol's Loving Care
gives better coverage.

What are you telling me that for?

Nanny Fine, I don't want to be rude
Huh, since when?

You're right. Get out.

We need to talk about Saturday night.
What time do you want me here?

She's coming? Oh, we're going to have
to talk about this guest list.

Well, of course, Miss Babcock's coming.
She made all the arrangements.

Oh, boy, did I have you
pegged all wrong.

Isn't it the people you hate on sight
that become your lifelong friends.

Not always.

Maxwell, the limousine will pick us
up at the airport in Washington.

Washington?
Yes. Well, you may as well know.

The Center for Performing Arts has
nominated us for its highest award.

Is that what you wanted me
for on Saturday night? To baby-sit?

No. We wanted you to fly the jet.

Miss Fine, I didn't say anything to you
before about the nomination

because it's bad luck, you know,
we've been overlooked so many times before.

You've been overlooked?

Is there a problem, Miss Fine?
Do you have plans Saturday night.

Oh, yeah, I'm going to heat
up a Lean Cuisine

and see what kind of frontier mishegaas
Dr. Quinn has gotten herself into.

Gracie, you're going to love
your new grandma, Mrs. Klein.

Now do you remember what
I told you to ask her?

Is she related to Calvin and can
we get a discount. Excellent.

Good morning. And how are
you two ladies doing today?

Fine, Daddy.
I've been better.

Is everything... everything all right,
Miss Fine? Oh, whatever.

Miss Fine, is there
something bothering you?

No, what could possibly be
bothering me? (Mumble.)

I beg your pardon?
Nothing.

Miss Fine, you've barely spoken
a word to me in hours.
It's beginning to scare me.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I invited my mother. I'll never hear
the end of it. Come on, Gracie.

Miss Fine, you are not leaving this house
until I know why you're so upset with me.

I'm not upset with you. You're the best
boss anyone could possibly ask for.

Eat tripe and die.

Now, Gracie, I had
Mrs. Klein thoroughly checked out.

She's cute, she's sweet, and
she's healthy as a horse.

You know, she holds the retirement home
record for most reps on the thigh burner.

One.

Oh ... Grandma Yetta.

We're here to introduce Gracie
to her new grandma, Mrs. Klein.

Oh, yeah? Well, if you want to talk to her,
you're going to need a Ouija board.

She never should have gone
for that second rep.

Another one?

What if it's me?
What if I'm a jinx?

Oh, no, honey,
now that is just ridiculous.

There's no such thing. Poi, poi.

People here are old and sick.
They can go at any time, in the next minute.

Would you go cheer somebody else up.

Sweetie, you're an adorable little girl and
anyone would love to be your grandma; right?

You're not a jinx, and just to prove it to you,
I'm going to give you my very own grandma.

Yetta ...

Damn crepe soles stick like gum.

Honey, I'd love to be your grandma.

I've lived a good life.

So then she said that Heather was a liar,

so then Heather said -- no,
wait -- oh, yeah

-- no, wait -- oh, yeah.

Let me start again.

See, honey, you're not
a jinx because I'm not dead.

And I wish I was.

Honey, why don't we play some
hide-and-go-seek. Okay. I'll hide.

Good choice, sweetie.

So what's the matter?
Who said anything's the matter?

Franny, I know I like
the back of my hand.

Geez, I never noticed that before.

So, anyway, what is it?
Man trouble?

How could he not know
what's bothering me.

I don't know. It's because
I'm like all the Fine women.

We're just too damn settle.

It's a waste of time talking to men.

First of all,
they aren't that interesting.

Sixty-two years I was married to your
grandfather, we didn't say two words.

The man had no communication skills.

That's true.
If only he'd been able to say

"I'm choking on a chicken bone,"
he'd be alive today.

So what is it?
Your sex life stinks?

Grandma, he doesn't sleep with me.

Not even on your birthday?
No.

That's a bad marriage.
We're not married.

Look at me, I'm hanging on every word
like I'm talking to Yoda.

May I help you, sir?
Oh, that's all right, Niles.

I'm just counting forward
days from the last time

Miss Fine seemed to hate my guts
for no apparent reason.

No, that will be next week.

Um, something to look forward to, sir.

Cee Cee, maybe you can shed
some light on this. I mean you're a woman.

I'm still waiting for
the DNA results.

You men just don't get it.
She doesn't hate you.

It's her life.
She doesn't have a boyfriend.

She has a dead-end job
with no prospects.

She's working for a man
who hardly knows she's alive.

Her own dog hates her.

A blind date stole her stereo.

Who was I talking about again?

Think back, sir,
one year ago today

someone's spike heel dug its first
divot into the parquet floor.

I thought you were
going to get that fixed.

Come closer.

One year to the day since we first
learned if it ain't half off, it ain't on sale.

Would you just... would you just
get to the point, old man.

Work with me, sir.

It's her anniversary.

Oh, Niles, don't be preposterous.

I mean you've been working here forever,
and I haven't the faintest idea when you started.

You don't go off all halfcocked.
I keep the hurt inside, sir.

You also forget my birthday.
I suppose that's all right too.

Come on, Niles.

Are you seriously telling me that Miss Fine
is the type of person to hold it over my head

just because I...

oh, God, is it too late
to send flowers?

Maxwell, have you lost your mind?
She is the nanny.

I have been your partner for ten years,
and we've never celebrated a damn thing.

Get it?

Perhaps I can still pick something
up at Bloomingdales.

Maxwell, we have to get to the airport.

You are not going to miss this ceremony.
I can't walk down the aisle alone.

I say prepare for the inevitable.

Kids, hurry up.
Your father's on, and he won...

I hope his fly is open.

Oh, doesn't daddy look handsome?
Uh-huh. No Pierce Brosnan.

Oh, there's Cee Cee.
Oh, my, the camera does put on ten pounds.

It just doesn't distribute it.

I'd like to thank the Center for
the Performing Arts for this most
gracious recognition,

and I'd like to thank
my three wonderful children,

and a very special
thanks to the woman

without whose help
I wouldn't be here tonight...

Miss Fran Fine.

Oh ...

Happy anniversary, Miss Fine.

Cee Cee fainted.
Oh, my God.

And that, ladies, is why you must
always wear your underwear.

Oh, congratulations, sir.
Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, that was so sweet
of you to mention my anniversary.

But, you know, you really
didn't have to.

I mean those things
aren't important to me.

Well, they are important to me.

It's been a marvelous year,
Miss Fine,

and you are a wonderful nanny,
and I'm sorry if I don't say it enough.

Oh, well, if I'm so wonderful,
how come nobody wants to hire me away?

Oh, well, that? Yeah.

Well, there's a very simple
explanation to that.

As a matter of fact,
it's so simple

that explaining it to you would
really be rather insulting.

Go ahead.

Um, well, the reason that you haven't had
any other job offers is simply because, ah ...

Niles, is there any more tea?

I'll go to China and see.

Hi.

Well, just look at you, Miss Fine.

I mean, I mean I am a single father,
but what married woman in her right mind

would want someone as attractive as you
in her home right under her husband's nose?

Oh, well, now, now that you mention it.

Well, when you're right,
you're right.

Good night, Mr. Sheffield ... Niles.
Good night, Miss Fine.

Nice, save, sir.
I came up with that at the last minute.

I heard that ...

Brighten!