JESSE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Viper.
You know, I think somewhere
there's a zoo with an empty cage.
Save it for the
paying customers.
Sorry, dude.
I love this song.
I know you do.
What happens when he hates it?
All right, guys, be honest. What
do you think of the new band?
- You guys are so good.
- Really good.
You sound great. You
guys have a name yet?
Yes. We finally picked
out the perfect name.
Hot Daddy and the
Monkey Puppets.
It's weird. It's sick.
It's perfect.
- Uncle Jesse?
- Yeah, Shorty?
Didn't you like my
name for the band?
Uncle Jesse and the Sunflowers.
Yeah, yeah. No,
I like the name...
it's just that the band didn't
wanna wear those big petal hats.
Good, good. Great rehearsal,
guys. Great rehearsal.
We're ready for our big gig
tomorrow. Good job, Chucky.
Oh, Mongo, Mongo.
Very, very important.
Please, try to get
some sleep tonight.
- Yeah, right.
- Oh, Mongo. Mongo.
Holy bejeepers, Danny.
That was a good
one. You got me there.
Okay. Now I'll hide
and scare you, okay?
Joey, this isn't a game. I just
saw D.J. kissing that maniac, Viper.
They've been doing that for
weeks and I'm gonna put a stop to it.
Oh, Danny. I wouldn't
make a big deal about it.
Nothing makes a kid
wanna do something more...
than if their parents
say they can't.
Yeah, you're right.
That makes a lot of sense.
Well, of course it
does. Look, example:
When I was younger, my
parents forbid me to eat mud.
And I suppose you defied them.
Well, let's just say that I
missed my high school prom.
Dirt poisoning.
STEPH: We gotta
find D.J.'s diary.
I know she has a new boyfriend.
Look at this.
It's Uncle Jesse's band.
That's it.
She's dating the Monkey Puppets?
It's one of them...
but which one?
D.J.'s coming. Quick.
How many times have I told you
snoops to stay out of my room?
How many times have
you lied to Dad lately?
What are you talking about?
Last night, you told Dad
you were with Kimmy...
but we're not buying it.
Yeah. You didn't
get home until 9:30...
and at 9:00, we heard Gibbler in her
tub, singing "I'm Too Sexy For My Soap".
So unless you're scrubbing her bony
back, you were out with somebody else.
Get a life, okay? You can
split it between the two of you.
Please, leave. Please,
go. Stay out of my room.
Ha. They didn't find it.
Guys, I'm sorry. The
roadie I hired flaked out.
- I'll try to find another one.
- Great.
Where are we gonna find a sucker
to haul this stuff for no money?
Hey, guys.
Joseph.
Joseph, my very
dear good friend.
Listen, the boys and I were talking. We
realized we need a quality comedian...
to open up for us this
weekend. You interested?
Well, I gotta check my datebook.
Wait a minute.
I don't have a
datebook. I'm your man.
- Jojo, we're gonna have so much fun.
- All right. Sure.
As long as you're coming,
could you carry some stuff?
- I got new bits...
- What you gonna do?
- Do a little Bob Hope this weekend.
- That'll be wild.
- Great, what else you got?
- I'll do Joe Pesci as a potato.
- What are you gonna do, scallop me?
- Good, funny. Yeah. That's funny.
I'm baking now. What?
You gonna mash me, pal?
JESSE: That's gonna be funny.
You're gonna be funny, Joe.
Becky, it's just a weekend.
Why do you need all this luggage?
Well, only this one's mine.
All the rest are Jesse's
hair care supplies.
I'm glad you and the boys are coming. I
can't wait to share the thrill of the road.
You'll see what I've been talking about.
Every day is like, it's like an adventure.
- You're gonna love it. I'm so excited.
- Let's hit the road.
You heard him. Load them up.
- Come on, guys. Go follow
Daddy. JESSE: There we go.
- I'll help you guys
out. BECKY: Good guy.
Deej, Viper says, "Hang a
second." He wants to talk to you.
All right. We have a winner.
D.J.'s secret
boyfriend is Mongo.
Ew.
If they get married,
she'll be Mrs. Mongo.
Yeah, and if they have
kids, they'll be mongeese.
Come on.
Viper.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
You gonna come and see me play?
I want to, but I haven't figured
out what I'm gonna tell my dad yet.
How about, "See you Monday"?
I wanna tell him, not k*ll him.
Come on, D.J. I hate
sneaking around like this.
We care about each other.
I think we ought to tell
your dad where we're at.
Deej, cool it. String
bean at 12 o'clock.
- Viper.
- Hey.
Uh, the guys would like
to see you out there...
away from in here.
All right.
I was just giving Viper
the cookies I baked.
For the band. No Monkey
Puppet in particular.
- How you doing?
- I'm dandy.
Good.
What are you doing this weekend?
Going to the landfill
with my pa to sh**t rats.
Wrong. You're going
with me to see Viper.
But Deej, it's father-daughter
weekend at the dump. Free a*mo.
I know you look forward
to this every year...
but you've gotta come with me
so my dad won't be suspicious.
Okay, but any roadkill
goes home to pop.
JESSE: Beck, this is the best
part of the road. The motel life.
Number 8, my favorite
room. Check this out.
BECKY: Come on, guys.
See? Look at this. Isn't this...
nice?
It's charming.
Although I'm guessing there
are no mints on the pillow.
No, but there's a Life Saver
stuck to the lampshade.
I probably left it there years ago.
Come on in, everybody. Come on in.
Have some fun. All
right, boys. Very good.
It's, uh...
Seems it's a little funkier than I
remember, but the best part is the view.
You guys are gonna love the
view. There's this beautiful lake...
Right behind that ugly wall.
Manny says not to leave
the equipment in the car.
Seems this neighborhood's not as
nice as these lovely rooms would suggest.
- Why are you putting it in here?
- It's the only place it'll fit.
We got five guys sharing
a room half this size.
Can we watch TV, Daddy?
- Please, please?
- Please, please?
Yes, yes, yes.
I'll just grab the remote.
Oh, yeah. That's good thinking.
Why would you want a
remote you could carry around?
Or one that even
works, for that matter?
Oh, look. You need a
quarter to work the TV.
Earthquake.
No, no, no, honey.
It's not an earthquake.
It's a vibrating bed.
Seems the wires are crossed.
Well, wait a second. If a quarter
in the TV turns the bed on...
then...
[TOILET FLUSHES]
That's a good thing to know.
Anyone got change for a 20?
[DANNY CLEARS THROAT]
Thank you.
Okay.
- Hey, Dad?
- Yeah.
Kimmy and I will drive to see Uncle Jesse.
We'll be back tomorrow. Thanks. See you.
- Hold it.
- Oh, don't worry. We'll pay for gas.
D.J., you must think
I'm completely clueless.
I know you're driving
up to see Viper right now.
I know all about you two.
You do?
I saw you both
kissing the other day.
- Why were you spying on me?
- Why were you sneaking around?
Because I know how
you feel about Viper.
You're always putting him
down. You called him an animal.
Deej, look at him.
He's the reason they
invented restraining orders.
- You're doing it again.
- I don't think he's the kind...
- you should be going out with.
- Dad, I'm almost 18.
A senior in high school.
You can't tell me who to date.
I'm not telling you who to date.
I'm telling you who not to date.
- See? I knew you'd flip out.
- I'm not flipping out. Another thing:
I'm not giving you my car keys so
you can drive up and see this guy.
Fine. I'll go in Kimmy's.
Now I'm flipping out.
Earthquake is fun, Mommy.
Yeah. Wish I'd
brought more quarters.
All right.
Dinner is served.
Cheesy Puffs,
cupcakes and candy?
What happened to Eats-n-Gas?
There was plenty of
gas, but Eats was closed.
In 1989.
Candy for dinner?
No, son. You know the rules.
No candy until you
eat your Cheesy Puffs.
Here you go.
- I knew I smelled Cheesy Puff goodness.
- Yeah.
- Right here, Joe.
- There.
- Where are the rest of the Monkey Puppets?
- Back at the room, playing Earthquake.
Jess, you were right, man.
I mean, life on the
road is totally cool.
Hey, Viper. Wake up
and smell the mildew.
This is nothing like it used
to be. Everything is changed.
Except for the sheets.
Honey, maybe you're
the one that's changed.
I mean, let's face it. This place
was never Caesars Palace.
It used to be fun,
you know? Now it's...
It's gross.
I don't know. What's
happened to me?
You got old, man.
You're right. You're
right, I did get old.
I mean, driving up here, I had
my left blinker on for 62 miles.
I mean, what's next? I'll be wearing
my pants up around my chest?
Running around asking
kids to pull my finger?
[PHONE RINGING]
I got this ringing
in my ear now, it's...
That's the telephone.
Talk to me.
Jess, D.J. is on her way there right
now. Steph, Michelle, get down here.
D.J.'s coming to the
show. What's the big deal?
She's not just coming up to see the
show. She's coming up to see Viper.
They've been dating.
- Dad, what's going on?
- Get in the car right away, okay?
Can I get some
juice before we go?
No beverages. We're not
stopping for anything. Get in the car.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- Jesse, I'm coming up there now.
- Danny, please.
Now, calm down,
take a deep breath.
Very good. Now, the
most important thing is...
- don't do anything rash, okay?
- Okay.
Viper, you're fired.
Sorry, dude. I didn't
know it was your cupcake.
It had nothing to do
with the cupcake, dude.
You know the rule.
No dating my family.
- There's no rule about that.
- Oh, yeah, you're right.
Okay, all in favor? You're out.
- And stay away from my niece.
- You can throw me out of the band...
but you can't tell me
how to live my life, okay?
I'll see you, Pops.
Pops? And give me
back my cupcake.
Thank you.
Testing. One, two.
[SINGING] Oh, that's not
the wind That's my grandpa
Oh, that's not the wi...
[COUGHING]
I hope you're not planning on
singing crud like that tonight.
Actually, I'm the comic/roadie.
I'll be opening for Hot Daddy
and the Monkey Puppets tonight.
What is this monkey garbage?
Tonight is polka night. I booked
Big Papa and the Polka Puppies.
There's been a horrible mix-up.
Oh, it's gonna be
horrible, all right.
I got busloads of polka
fans coming here tonight...
and they're gonna be real
angry if they're not dancing...
to a fat guy in shorts
playing oompah.
- And who could blame them?
- Eh.
Excuse me for just a second.
- Jess. JESSE: What?
- Did you ever take tuba lessons?
- What are you talking about?
Oh, we got a situation here.
- Uncle Jesse.
- I'll get back to you on the tuba talk.
Listen, D.J., I'm glad you're
here. I gotta talk to you about Viper.
What? Did my dad
call? Was he flipping out?
Yeah, he was, but don't worry.
Your Uncle J calmed him down.
Oh, thanks, Uncle Jesse.
- At least somebody in this family's cool.
- Yeah.
- Where's Viper?
- I fired him.
You fired him? Well, just
because I'm dating him?
I did it for your own protection. I
know guys like this. He's a musician.
He's young, he's wild,
he's got an earring, he...
Oh, my God. I'm starting
to sound like my father.
- Actually, you're more like my mother.
- Oh, yeah, right.
Like I make dry pot roast
and talk back to Matlock.
Do you think my mother was
happy when I started dating you?
- Mm-hm.
- No.
I had to show her that there
was more to you than long hair...
- rock and roll, and a Harley.
- Yeah, there's more to Viper too.
Yeah. Have you seen
him in tight jeans?
Hey, Kimmy. Free
pickled pig feet at the bar.
I'm there.
Hey, hey, hey.
Uh, speaking of polkas...
Nobody was speaking of polkas.
Perhaps we should.
Why aren't you in
your polka costume?
Why aren't you in Brooklyn?
Come on, come on.
The buses are here.
Look, they're here.
Is there a dress code
we're not aware of?
You're the band, and you're
gonna be playing polkas.
Listen, Jocko. I
may be getting old...
but I'm still young enough to
rock. No way I'm getting on stage...
playing any silly,
stinking polkas, all right?
And another thing. Anybody
caught dead in these outfits...
ought to be taken
out back and...
And given an award for their
fine, fine sense of fashion.
My, you look handsome today.
Listen, I would love to
play a rousing rendition...
of a hopping polka for
you, but gosh darn it...
my tuba's out getting detailed.
No problem. I have a
room full of polka supplies.
You're out of excuses, pal.
Well, I can help
you out here, Jess.
- Viper.
- Hey, babe. I was hoping you'd be here.
Hey, how are you
gonna help, Goldilocks?
Well, I play a little polka.
Yeah, my dad
used to have a band.
Big Heinz and the Polka Dots.
Wait a minute. You the
kid with the little accordion?
Yeah, that was me.
Tiny Heinz.
Wait a minute.
You're gonna help me out
even though I kicked you out?
- Yeah.
- You're all right, Tiny.
- Let's just stick with Viper.
- Right.
Listen, guys.
I'm sorry I lost my head over
this whole thing between you two.
I'm so preoccupied about getting
old, I forgot what it's like to be young.
And I'd love to have
you back in the band.
You got it.
Well, well, well. I'm
glad we're all happy now.
But if we don't start to hear
some oompah-pah soon...
this crowd's gonna turn ugly.
I think it's already turning.
All right, I'm about to say
something I'm sure Elvis never said:
Let's polka, baby.
See, Deej? Everything
worked out just fine.
Uh, you might wanna
hold that thought.
Dad, we need to talk
about me and Viper.
You're dating Viper?
We thought you
were dating Mongo.
Me and Mongo?
What are you, insane?
See, this is exactly what
happens when you hide your diary.
Okay, you wanna talk to
me about you and Viper?
Let's talk.
I'm listening.
Dad, I'm sorry I
ran out like that.
I can't tell you how
much that hurt me, Deej.
Well, I didn't
do it to hurt you.
I was frustrated.
You weren't listening
to anything I was saying.
You just made your mind up
about Viper, and that was it.
Look, I'm your father.
Don't I have any say
over who you go out with?
No.
It's not too late to
change your answer.
Dad, I love you, and I
respect your opinion...
but you have to respect the
fact that who I date is up to me.
I know that.
And I do.
I know I flip out sometimes.
Truth is, I do trust
your judgment, D.J.
Thanks, Dad. That
means a lot to me.
But Viper?
Lots of things you
don't know about him.
- Yeah? Like what?
- Like he's a really decent guy.
I mean, he wanted
to tell you about us.
He's sweet and caring...
and looks really
good in leather shorts.
Wilkommen and what's happening?
Presenting, for your
polka enjoyment:
Polka-hontas and, uh,
his Beer Sausage Seven.
[PLAYING KISS' "ROCK
AND ROLL ALL NITE"]
Everybody sing along: I
wanna rock'n'roll all night.
And party every day.
And party every single day.