04x01 - M.U.B.A.R.

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

- TANDY: It's a nuclear meltdown.
- Let's get the hell out of here!

TODD: Why don't we
just move somewhere

where there are no nuclear plants?

Then I guess we're going to Mexico.

CAROL: So are we going
to have some sort

of plan if we do see Pat?

There is no way that
Pat could ever find us.

(YELLING)

(g*nsh*t, SCREAMING)

Hi.

I'm Pamela.

Sorry. Not a great first impression.

I promise I'm nice.

Um, I-I hope you don't mind.

I-I brought my dear friend,
uh, Rear Admiral Roy Billups.

She's a nice ship. I can't
wait to take her out for a...

- (g*nsh*t)
- Aah!

- (GASPS)
- (OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)

- Pat's still alive! Pat's still alive!
- (SHOTGUN COCKS)

(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)

(g*nf*re, OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)

(g*n CLICKING)

Uh.

(GROANS SOFTLY)

Is he dead now?

I have a pretty surefire test.

Call it.

Time of death... : .

Another : over here.

So, anyway, that was Roy.

And again, Pamela.

And, oh, this is Jeremy.

Come here, Jeremy. Come here. (CHUCKLES)

Oh!

- Aw.
- Aw.

PAMELA: Yes.

There's my boy. (LAUGHS)

(PAMELA LAUGHS)

- (ACCORDION PLAYS)
- TODD: ♪ Forever young ♪

♪ I want to be ♪

♪ Forever young ♪

♪ Do you really want to
live forever... young? ♪

(SONG ENDS)

That was very nice.

- Thank you.
- Please have a seat

- while the ceremony begins.
- Sure.

Rear Admiral.

What can I say?

You d*ed doing what you loved...

being alive.

What else? Um...

Not really sure why I'm doing the speech

on this one, to be honest.

Uh, Pamela?

- Hmm? No.
- No?

- No.
- Okay then.

Uh, Todd, little help, bud?

Yeah, sure.

Mind your back.

(PANTING)

Moving on.

Oh, Pat.

I think we can all agree that Pat was

a pretty hard person to
nail down, death-wise.

Now let's have

a moment of silent prayer

while I decapitate Pat with a shovel.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

It's really staying on there. (GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

(CHUCKLES): First-timers club.

(YELLS)

(GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

Oh, there we go.

There we go. It's off. I got it.

Oh, man.

That was the hardest
decap I've ever done.

And I mean, head and shoulders
above the last one. Boom.

- (LAUGHS) That's funny.
- (TANDY LAUGHS)

Thank you! Hot room.

And I'm not just saying
that 'cause of the radiation.

(LAUGHS)

- PAMELA (LAUGHS): Radiation.
- TANDY: Pat,

the severing of your
head is the first step

in a two-step process to ensure

that we will never be
surprised by you again.

On to step two.

TANDY: Okay, so let's

send you south.

(ENGINE REVVING)

And why don't you... head north?

(LAUGHS) Head north.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Oh, no! He's reassembling!

Namaste.

Hey, Melissa.

How long till we get to Zihuatanejo?

I... no idea.

I've never driven a boat before.
I'm just kind of winging it.

Well, can you wing it faster?

We have a two-day-old baby
on board, I'm about to pop,

and there's a nuclear
dust cloud hot on our tail!

The whole situation is M.U.B.A.R...

Messed Up Beyond All Regular-Standards.

Is Regular-Standards hyphenated?

- Regular-Standards is hyphenated.
- Well, I'm going

as fast as I can, so...

But you don't have to
worry, 'cause I got this.

Okay, well, right now,

you're giving me a
real booze-cruise vibe,

and I need a little more Coast Guard.

Fine, Carol.

Geez.

Thanks.

TODD: So you lost
contact with the drone.

What happened next?

Hmm, well, I, uh, drove up to Malibu,

and little did I know,
I had a stowaway...

- this one.
- ERICA: Oh! So cute.

It's been years since I've seen a dog.

Can I hold him?

I'm sorry, no.

Anyway, when I arrived,

you were all gone, and
then, Pat showed up.

Oh, he was like a wounded animal.

Just a m*nled mass of
blood and pus, and it was...

Oh, wonderful!

I already have champagne,
but thank you so much.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Here you go.

Slowly, I nursed Pat back to health.

Some time went by, and our
relationship turned more...

intimate. (LAUGHS)

Sponge bath after sponge bath,

the lines blurred.

The sponge strayed.

He was a very passionate

and creative lover.

He drew our entire
courtship on a pair of jeans.

(LAUGHS)

Isn't this romantic?

(PAMELA LAUGHS)

That's me washing his body.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

There's our tongues.

Looks like he loved you very
much before you sh*t him.

I didn't think I could be any happier.

And then the rear admiral showed up.

First he was just a friend, but...

then the lines blurred,

tongues strayed.

We became a sensual
human centipede. (LAUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT) So, how'd you find us?

Pat saw smoke coming from your camper,

and somehow knew it was you,

and he flew into a rage,

and grabbed his g*n. He
said he wanted revenge.

So, we followed him.

I certainly wasn't gonna let him k*ll

the very people that saved my life.

Saved your life?

When I found you with that drone,

it just gave me something to live for.

TANDY: Hey,

you're the one who
saved us by sh**ting Pat.

No, no, no.

- You saved me.
- Well,

from one jean-art fan to another,

agree to dungaree.

(LAUGHING): Agree to dungaree.

Oh, God.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay, I'm going to bed.

Sleep tight.

She's great.

Hey. So, how's everyone doing?

- We all getting settled?
- CAROL: Hardly.

Pamela took the captain's suite,
and now we're all stuck here.

If my water breaks,
it's going right on Todd.

Hey, I'd be honored, Carol.

If I could just piggyback
on Carol's point there.

My baby's sleeping in a chum bucket.

How you holding up, champ?

Fine.

Hey, look, I know a lot
of stuff went down today.

It's not often that you
see a double homicide.

That's why I think it's
important that we have...

a talk.

Sometimes when a b*llet

and a man's brain feel very
strongly about each other,

they decide to take it
to the next level, okay?

And that's called penetration.

(LOUD METALLIC SCRAPING)

Oh! Geez.

Did we hit something, hon?

- We did.
- All right, that's it.

We're stopping until we
can see where we're going.

Mm-mm.

- No, we got to get to Zihuat.
- Well, we're not gonna get anywhere

with a big friggin' hole in our boat.

- Where's the stopper?
- I'm not stopping the boat.

- No, I'm not showing you.
- Where is the stopper?

- I'm not telling you.
- Where is the friggin' stopper?!

- Fine!
- God.

- Now which one of these is the anchor?
- (SIGHS)

I don't know.

- (SHIP HORN BLOWS)
- Horn.

Lights.

There you are, you little sucker.

And that, my friend, is
how you anchor a boat.

Oh, farts.

Why can't we see land?

Yeah. Little hiccup.

Our anchor malfunctioned.

We've been drifting all night.

Gail, how does an anchor malfunction?

Did it suddenly get not heavy?

You know that button we had to press?

Well, apparently, it's more of
a press and hold jobby.

Thanks for telling me.

- Are you telling me we have
no idea where we are? - Shush.

Do you want Carol to hear you
and freak out and go into labor?

- We got to keep this between ourselves.
- TANDY: Guys?

We have a situation.

(SIGHS)

I broke the bathroom.

How the heck did you manage to do that?

We ran out of TP, so
I had to use my shirt.

- Ew!
- Ew!

Well, long story short, turns out

that pipes on the boat are
not Beefy T compatible. FYI.

Hey, bud, you done with my shirt?

- Oh, you know it, yeah.
- Well, can I have it back?

(SIGHS) Well, bad news
on that front, bud.

Yeah. She gone.

Oh, yeah, we-we lost her. Yeah.

So you used two T-shirts.

And a sock. It was a
multiple flush situation.

Ah, not to worry.

I arranged a backup.

Shazam.

Jeremy! No! No, no, no!

No, no. Oh, bad dog.

(SIGHS) Sorry, you guys.

It wasn't designed to
hold the weight of a dog.

TODD: Uh, where's land?

It's there.

You just can't see it right now.

- GAIL: Yeah, it's an illusion.
- MELISSA: Yeah.

The reflection of the water
blocks the view of the land.

It's, uh, called...

GAIL AND MELISSA: Davy Jones'...

- Mirror.
- Mirror.

Yeah.

- Davy Jones' Mirror.
- Davy Jones' Mirror.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, know it well.

Know it well.

- TODD: Really?
- TANDY: Here, help me fish this

- toilet paper out of the water.
- TODD: Yeah.

TANDY: It's my favorite brand.

Hey-o. (CHUCKLES)

- PAMELA: Good morning.
- Good morning.

Well, your eyes don't have
brows, but your nipples sure do.

Thank you. Uh, speaking
of hairy situations,

I did a, a little number on
the "B" room this morning, two.

And it is fully out of commish, yeah.

Hmm. I'm all ears.

If you're all ears, then I
guess I can talk down here.

- Or into here, or in here.
- (GIGGLING)

Or into here, or into here.

Or up here, or down here, over here.

Tandy.

Pamela. You look rested.

I didn't sleep well at all.

Ugh, wasn't it terrible?

Sometimes a bed can be too big.

So, what are you two up to?

TANDY: Well, I was just, uh,

telling Pamela that I put
one too many logs on the fire.

(LAUGHS): Oh, "logs on the fire."

I like that.

Well, if you like that, I
got a bridge I could sell ya.

I don't have a bridge,
I'm not a dentist.

(LAUGHS): What? Like a bridge?

Like in someone's mouth.

(TANDY AND PAMELA LAUGH)

(CACKLING)

Yeah, he's not a dentist.

TANDY: By the way,

why do they call them dentists? I mean,

do they specialize in dents?

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING): Dents. They don't.

(LAUGHING): Yeah, it's priceless.

I mean, they should call
them "toothists," am I right?

- (LAUGHS): "Toothists."
- (CAROL CACKLES)

(CACKLING)

(WHOOPS)

You're right! You're right!
You're right! (LAUGHS)

Well, this has been very, very fun.

Uh, again, broken toilet,
catch you on the flippety.

Catch you on the flippety,
catch you on the flippety,

catch you on the flippety,

catch you on the flippety,
catch you on the flippety.

- A little inside joke with us.
- Love it.

I love inside jokes.

Oh, yeah.

Guess around I'll be seeing you.

Yeah, because we had...
we went from here to here.

- Okay, okay.
- Hey, uh,

- what's the holdup?
- No holdup.

- Just charting it up.
- Look, I don't

want to talk out of turn,
but that Pamela is a real "B,"

minus the stinger, plus the itch.

Not only did she take the big room,

she's all over my husband.

She laughs at all of his jokes.

And let's face it, he's
no Garrison Keillor.

MELISSA: She sucks.

I'm pretty sure she's
the one burning through

our supplies, too.

Uh, you think?

There we go.

(JEREMY BARKS)

Jeremy, are you wearing
sunscreen? (SCOFFS)

Told you a million times that
sunscreen's very important.

There you are. (CHUCKLES)

- Little rascal.
- MELISSA: Too late.

CAROL: That settles it.
As soon as we hit dry land,

we cut Pamela loose.

GAIL: Amen to that.

MELISSA: Fine with me.

Don't you worry.

Your mama will fix this.

Mama fixes everything.

Man, I can't wait till
we get to Zihuatanejo.

Hey, Gail.

How much longer?

Well, if this wind holds,

I would give it...

four or maybe five nautical hours.

You can tell the wind inside?

Todd, my family has a rich history

of boating while intoxicated.

I think I know what I'm doing.

Um, where's my breast milk?

White Russians, anyone?

Come on, we're on a cruise.

Take the edge off. Enjoy.

Oh, my God.

That's my breast milk.

Who steals from a baby?

Well, it wasn't labeled.

It wasn't in a breast.

Tandy seems to like it.

Mmm. Are you kidding?

That was the breast
White Russian I've ever had.

My compliments to the chef.

Ugh, I think I'm gonna be sick.

MELISSA: Land!

Land!

- We did it!
- GAIL: Oh, my God.

(WHOOPS) We did it!

What? I don't get it.
What's the big deal?

Haven't we been following
land the whole time?

Yeah and why

is Mexico an island?

Um, okay, y'all.

There's kind of a good news/bad news

type of situation here.

The good news is we found land.

And Melissa will be
fielding the bad news.

All right? Take it away, hon.

Thanks.

Uh, we're lost.

What? Are you kidding me?

How'd that happen?

Well, when we dropped anchor last night,

something went wrong,

and, um, we drifted out to sea.

- Geez.
- GAIL: And rather than get your panties

in a collective bunch,
we just decided to lie

and tell you we knew where we were.

- Are you out of your minds?
- Cheese and rice.

She was on anchor duty.

And she was drinking like a fish.

It's my honeymoon.

Well, what do we do
now? W-We're out here

in the middle of nowhere and
we're running out of supplies.

Yeah, 'cause of someone.

TODD: Maybe there's some
supplies on the island.

Fresh water, coconuts.

Ooh, a coconut breast milk smoothie

would be next level.

Uh, for Dawn, not for me.

Virgin... the drink, not Dawn.

Well, I presume she's a virgin as well.

- Gross!
- Gross! Ew!

- Geez, man.
- Oh, God. You know what?

I-I just want to get off this boat.

I don't care what the reason is.

Okay, then it's settled.

We're going to the island.

Good. 'Cause it's starting to feel

a little crowded on this boat.

GAIL: Get ready for half an hour

of Tandy making jokes about his dinghy.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Hey, Gail,

guess what you're
sitting on right now, huh?

Uh, Tandy, could I ask you something?

Let that marinate.

Uh, trust me, it'll be worth it.

Yeah, go ahead, Pamela.

Do you ever feel like
you need to do something

even though if you did it,
everyone would hate you?

Hey, literally, all the time.

What do you do?

Well, I'll tell you what I do.

Caution. Wind. (LAUGHS)

Thanks, Tandy.

That's what I thought.

You know what? I just painted my nails.

Would you do me a favor and
untie that rope so I can get in?

Un-tie to stop me.

- Gail, Gail. Gail.
- (LAUGHS): Oh.

Gail. Gail.

It's my dinghy.

CAROL: So, how do we
make this thing move?

- MELISSA: We row.
- CAROL: Oh, that's fun.

Okay. (GRUNTS, LAUGHS)

Hey, I think you accidentally hit me.

Sorry. (LAUGHS)

God. Ow.

Whoa! (SCREAMS)

Sorry. I overheard what you
said about cutting me loose.

It had to be you or me.

I'll take real good care of Tandy. Bye.

- (ALL SCREAMING)
- TODD: Hey!

Tandy!

- (ALL SCREAMING)
- TODD: Hey!

- Tandy! No!
- Oh, my God.

CAROL: Tandy!

Tandy!

(STAMMERS): Wh...

(SCREAMS) What are you doing?

What are you doing to me?

I-It's called Latisse.

It'll help with your brow growth.

Why are you doing this?

Eyebrows are important.

They're like mustaches for your eyes.

No, I mean, why are you kidnapping me?

My wife and unborn
child are on that boat.

Caution. Wind.

Remember, Tandy?

I am a woman that gets what she wants.

And I'm confident that
as your brows grow,

so will your affection for me.

What are you talking about?

I am married to Carol.

For now.

Wait. No, no, no.

Come on. Pamela, please.
We have to go back.

Relax, they'll be fine.

I left them plenty of supplies.

TODD: Let's see. We've
got, uh, champagne,

a friggin' fondue pot.

Sunglasses case with no sunglasses.

Fancy napkins, uh... oh.

A bunch of beef jerky.

Oh, extreme teriyaki flavor.

Let's see now.

Yeah, that's definitely extreme.

Champagne and beef jerky.

This is like New Year's
at Ted Nugent's house.

Oh, my gol. Did you see
what she did to Tandy?

- I know.
- She is a monster!

- Yeah.
- We're stranded out here.

Calm down, Jasper.

(MOUTH FULL): This one
doesn't have the same kick.

Oh, it's just regular
teriyaki; that explains it.

Todd, paddle!

- Oh, I'm paddling.
- Come on.

- (DAWN CRIES)
- Shh, shh, shh. It's okay.

- It's gonna be okay.
- GAIL: Dawn.

You know what? That's right, Erica.

It is gonna be okay,
because if I know Tandy,

he'll figure out a way to save us.

- We're gonna die out here.
- GAIL: Oh, boy.

CAROL: No, no, no, no.

- We are so screwed!
- We are.

Okay, look. Guys, guys.

We all need to just cool our jets.

I know this situation
does seem dire right now,

but look on the bright side.

We have our very own island.