03x12 - The Kibbutz

[bunniefuu]

(GASPING) Maggie!

Tilt your head.

Can I vacuum in there yet?

You know, I think there's
more than enough suction

going on in that room.

Why don't you give them some privacy?

Niles, I'm performing a
very important function.

I'm watching out for her father.

Yeah. The minute Mr. Sheffield comes

walking through that front door,

I'll just shift right into my nanny schtik.

"Maggie, you're too young, yada, yada."

Wow! Would you look at
the way she tilts her head?

You know, I taught her that.

Gee, Niles, that Abdominizer

I bought you is really paying off.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Not that your body could ever
compare with Mr. Sheffield's.

He's so handsome and young.

What are we ever gonna do with that girl?

She's completely out of control.

Maybe I should hire
another nanny to watch her.

Well, you know, that would
really free me up a lot to...

Miss Fine!

Look, I'm very concerned about Margaret.

She has three weeks of
winter vacation coming up,

and I don't want her spending

the entire time on that
couch kissing some boy.

Oh, why don't you do what my father did

when I entered my make-out years?

- Huh?
- He walked into the den

and he spliced into the neighbor's cable.

And?

I don't know. We haven't seen him since.

Miss Fine!

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, she's going to be .

I mean, all she's doing is kissing.

It's not as if she's
running out of the house

to meet some wild drifter who's
picking her up on a motorcycle.

(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING)

Got to go. That's my date.

* She was working in a
bridal shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to
do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

If you still haven't made any
plans for your Christmas vacation,

you're welcome to join me and Daddy.

Oh, well, uh, you know, Mom,

as tempting as a bus tour of
Florida dinner theaters sounds,

I don't think I could stand the thrill
of seeing the Ropers do Love Letters.

Oh, JJ Walker's gonna be in
Six Degrees of Separation.

It's not too late to change your mind.

The review says it's dynamite.

- Oh, Niles.
- Huh?

It's so hard planning a
vacation when you're a single.

Yes. It's so much nicer
when you have a family

so you can lug their ski
equipment around Vail.

Sit around the fire listening to

"Niles, get me a brandy.
Niles, bring me a comforter.

"Niles, go out in that
blizzard for a pizza!"

- Niles.
- What...

... is that on your shoe,
sir? Let me get that for you.

There you are, sir. Much better,
sir. Merry Christmas, sir.

Miss Fine. Miss Fine,
I've... I've made a decision.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, I simply can't risk

Margaret spending her whole
winter vacation with that boy,

so I'm sending her abroad.

A broad? You want her swinging that way?

Miss Fine, I'm serious.

I'm sending her away for three weeks.

You're sending her away from her family

on the holidays?

Uh-huh. She's going to Switzerland.

Just her and her nanny?

Alone.

I'm sending her to a convent

where she can learn French,
arts, and European history.

Wow-wee! That sounds more
boring than I can even fathom.

And I'm actually considering

sitting through a bunch of bad plays

where the only dialog I'm gonna hear

is the audience going, "What'd he say?"

I don't care how much Margaret protests.

I'm her father, and what I say goes.

So talk her into it, would you?

Me?

Yeah. And try to phrase it carefully.

I don't want to come off like an ogre.

Oh, don't worry. You're
not gonna be an ogre.

I'll protect you.

Well, the ogre saw you
sucking face with Eric.

Now he wants to send you to
a nunnery in the Swiss Alps.

A convent?

What am I supposed to do there?

Learn French.

I guess he didn't see what I saw.

Oh, honey, a convent might not be that bad.

I got two words for you. Sound of Music.

I mean, in two hours,

Maria managed to ditch the nuns,

marry a gorgeous captain,
sell the movie rights,

and never have to schlep
up another mountain again.

Oh, come on, Fran, would
you go if you were me?

Honey, you know, going away by
yourself could be a great thing.

When I was your age, I spent an
entire summer on a kibbutz in Israel,

and I had the time of my life.

A kibbutz?

Is that like one of those
communes in the ' s?

Well, sort of.

Except the only thing we smoked was fish.

Oh, yeah. But if I go,
Eric will meet another girl.

Oh, no, he won't. You just tell
him that if he cheats on you,

you're gonna know just by looking at him.

Who'd be stupid enough to believe that?

Guys.

Well, I propose we shut
up the office on the th.

No one important is ever
around for the holidays.

You staying in town again, C.C.?

No. This year I'm getting as far
away from this place as possible.

Oh, Santa got my letter.

What about you, Niles? What are your plans?

Aren't we going to Vail?

No, old man. This year you're on your own.

I am?

Yes. Why don't you take a nice
vacation just for yourself?

(LAUGHING) Oh, please, the
lost Marx brother, Cheapo?

Are you suggesting I'm frugal?

Well, you have to admit, old
man, I... I know what I pay you,

and you're not spending
it on your wardrobe, eh?

Oh, come on, Niles, you never break a buck.

You live in Maxwell's
house, you eat his food.

Nanny Fine got you that Flowbee
so you could cut your own hair.

Where do you stash your cash?

Somewhere you'll never get near.

Oh. Your mattress.

No.

His.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Sheffield.

Maggie's going to a convent so your
round, young virgin will stay that way.

Miss Fine, I don't know how to thank you.

Oh, you'll think of something.

Fifth floor at Saks,
Ralph Lauren leather goods.

Ask for Sadie. I put it on hold.

Oh, Daddy, I am so excited about my trip.

And I owe it all to Fran.

Oh, stop.

No. I mean, I was against it at first,

but then she really talked me into it.

Stop.

I can't wait to go on a kibbutz in Israel.

Stop!

What the devil is all this about a kibbutz?

Oh, honey, I think you misunderstood
our little conversation.

No. No. I remember. You said
that dad was an ogre and...

No! No! No! No!

I said okra.

Okra was what we planted on the kibbutz.

That must have been where
you got your wires crossed.

Well, whatever.

Anyways, I've got to go kiss Eric goodbye.

Oh, Fran, you were so right.
When you tilt your head...

Honey, honey, look, if
you're going on a kibbutz,

start letting the hair
on your legs grow out.

You know, it's amazing.

Every time I ask you to do something,

you always manage to screw it all up!

And yet, you continue to ask me.

You need help, mister.

There's no way on earth

Margaret is going to a kibbutz

unchaperoned at her age.

Why? My mother let me
go when I was a teenager.

Oh, you must have been quite
a piece of work back then.

God only knows how you managed
to scam her into that one.

You know, you are so wrong.

My mother and I had a
very open relationship.

So, Val, here's the scam
that we tell my mother.

The kibbutz is completely chaperoned.

There are no gorgeous,
shirtless Israeli guys.

And we're only there to absorb the rich
and wonderful culture of our people.

Got it.

Fran, why does your mother have
to put the yoghurt in the freezer?

That's her new invention, frozen yoghurt.

Oh, parents are so stupid.

Oh, Fran, look who's on Virginia Graham.

That really cool guy from The Blue Lagoon.

Mmm, he is going to be such a big star.

Change the channel.

(GRUNTING)

Well, now, I want you to say hello
to one of the most talented, young,

bright, exciting Broadway
producers, Mr. Maxwell Sheffield.

Oh, don't stop now.

Oh, is he a babe!

To think I was about to do this musical

with a bunch of people
running around dressed as cats.

- Heaven forbid.
- Oh, terrible.

Luckily, luckily, my secretary
talked me out of that one.

Take a bow, Miss C.C. Babcock.

Fran, I just got off the phone

with Mrs. Spielberg from down the hall,

and her son is dying to take you out.

Steven? That geek from AV Squad?

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

How about Mrs. Milken's son?

He's very smart.

Meanwhile, he stole money
out of my locker, Ma.

So, Val, what do you want
to do this summer vacation?

I want to go someplace
that I can expand my mind

and absorb all the ancient heritage.

You're not going to a kibbutz.

Ma, how did you know?

Darling, I'm your
mother. I read your diary.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Oh, that must be Ma.

We're going into the city.

Uncle Jack's building is going condom.

Meanwhile, your meshuggener granddaughter

wants to go to a kibbutz.

Well, you went when you were her age.

(GASPING) Ma!

That was different. I
was building a nation.

Ma, I am so never talking to you again.

- Fran...
- I can't hear you. I can't hear you.

Fran, you better get this
kibbutz thing out of your head

and start thinking about your future now.

Or you are gonna wind
up like your Cousin Myra,

over and still single.

Sure, Ma, like that's ever gonna happen.

Oh, Val, you should see my
Cousin Myra. It is so pathetic.

Thirty-two years old

in a really short mini-skirt, high heels,

big hair.

It is so sad.

So you're telling me your mother let you go

, miles across the world, no argument?

Uh, yeah.

Mr. Sheffield, I'm telling you,

this is gonna be a really
good experience for Maggie.

I just wish that you would trust
me as much as my mother did.

(ECHOING) Oh, sure, a
vacuum accident on your neck?

I don't trust you as far as
I can throw you, young lady!

(POPPING)

Ma, it's me.

Ma?

Hello. Anybody home?

FRAN: Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Would it k*ll you to knock

before you enter a person's bedroom?

Ma, I'm sorry.

I hear sounds of ecstasy
coming from your room,

I figure you're eating a cheesecake.

Darling, if it bothers you,
just forget what you saw.

Well, that's not gonna be so easy
since it's b*rned in my cornea.

Darling, what are you doing here anyway?

Just a minute here.

I've got to take a swig of Manischewitz.

Mmm, good vintage. May.

I asked you to get my
stuff from Israel, remember?

Oh, it's over there. What
do you want with that junk?

Oh, well, I talked Mr. Sheffield
into letting Maggie go on a kibbutz,

and I wanted to show her
what a good time I had.

Fran, you hated the kibbutz.

No, I didn't.

Oh, look, here's my old journal.

"I hate this kibbutz."

"Friday. Almost able to braid armpit hair.

Sent Val to Jordan to
smuggle in Lady Bics."

You left halfway through the program.

Don't you remember?

We had to tell them that Nana d*ed

so we would get back the deposit.

Why do I remember having
the time of my life?

What was so great about it?

Fran?

Fran!

(SPEAKING HEBREW)

Uh, yeah, yeah. Bagel, bagel.

Shalom, matzo ball, shalom.

Now, come over here and knish me.

Oh, yeah.

Now I remember why I loved it so much.

That was where I lost my...

hat.

All right.

So you did have fun. I was wrong.

So, maybe Maggie will just
have as much fun as you.

Oh, over my dead body!

(EXCLAIMING) This old
dishrag has seen better days.

Were your ears burning?

Looky, Diamond Jim, I brought
you some travel brochures.

Don't worry. They're free.

Let's see. Ooh, windsurfing in Saint Barts.

Uh-oh.

$ equipment fee.

Well, you know, if you
flip one really fast,

it's like you're there.

Is that how you make your dates move?

As it happens, I've made travel plans.

Oh, which island did you
decide on? Staten or Coney?

Actually, I can afford
to make a lovely trip.

I sold a pair of gaudy gold cuff links

Mr. Sheffield gave me,

one treble clef, one bass clef.

I gave Maxwell those cuff
links for his birthday.

Oh. Well, then, thanks for the trip.

Niles, Niles, where's Mr. Sheffield?

I've got to talk to him about
Maggie going on this kibbutz.

But didn't you already talk
him into it this morning?

Yeah. But it's this afternoon.
Now, I've got to talk him out of it.

- Keep up! Keep up!
- But it's too late.

He's already gone shopping
with her for the trip.

Oh, good. Okay. She's trying
on short shorts and tube tops.

He's looking at salesmen looking at her

in the short shorts and tube tops.

They're at each other's throat.

The trip's off. My work is done.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, good, you're still
here. Wait till you see this.

Isn't that adorable?

I'm dead.

Wow, Dad, thank you so much
for all this cool stuff.

I love you.

Oh, love you too, sweetheart.

Oh, Miss Fine, I can't thank you enough.

You know, I don't think Margaret
and I have ever been this close.

I just hope she has as thrilling
a time on her kibbutz as you did.

Yeah. Well, be careful what you hope for.

You know, Margaret and I are like...

Well, we're like friends.

When we were shopping just now,

we ran into a couple of her schoolmates,

and for the first time,
she didn't make me hide.

Oh.

Sweet. Touching. Love it.

Now, haul yourself upstairs
and tell her she can't go.

What? Why? Why?

Uh, they closed Israel for Hanukkah. Yup.

Too many people, too many
candles. Big fire hazard. Big.

Miss Fine.

All right. You wanna
know what it really is?

I kind of remembered that the
kibbutz was where I lost my...

Oh, hi, kids! What's new?

Well, we were just in the basement...

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Everybody quiet, except Miss Fine.

Now, you were saying you don't
want Margaret to go to the kibbutz

because that's where you lost your...

Hat.

Hat?

ALL: Hat?

All right. I take it you were
very attached to this hat.

Well, not as much as my mother was.

Look, Miss Fine,

what on earth is the big
deal about losing your...

Oh, God! Oh, my God! Everybody out!

No! No! No! Not you, Miss Fine.

Oh, my God!

Why... why do I ever listen to you?

Well, my voice is kind of hard to tune out.

It's like one of those innate compulsions

like smelling milk you know has gone bad

or touching something
that says "wet paint,"

or gnawing at the inside of your
cheek when the dentist says...

All right. Okay. We get the
picture. I'll go tell her.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you
don't. This is where I take over.

Now you'll see how something
is done when it's done right.

Margaret is not going to the
kibbutz, and that is final.

I have to hand it to you, Miss Fine.

This was a brilliant solution
to everyone's problem.

Meanwhile, would you
go pick some grapefruit?

'Cause if we don't come
back with a full wheelbarrow,

they're gonna kick us off. And
there's no Ramada around here.

All right, all right.

Fran?

Oh, my God! Yelsey, hi.

Are you still working here?

Yes. But now I work with my son.

You like kibbutz?

Yeah.

You want me to take your hat?

Oh, no, you don't!

Nice tan, Sheila.

Bonjour, Marisol.

Oh, shake it, Miss Babcock.

Oh, daylight come and me want go home.