01x11 - Everlight

[bunniefuu]

[MAN NARRATING] There was
once a beautiful kingdom.

Not everything was perfect.

They were humans after all.

But their king was kind and just.
Their crops were bountiful.

The birds sang, the children laughed,

and the people were joyous.

Until one day,

a strange darkness took hold.

A darkness that reached into
the very hearts of the people

and swallowed their light

until there was nothing
left but despair.

The king vowed to dispel the
darkness and save his people.

He learned of a w*apon of immense power:

The Blade of Light.

Legend foretold that only the sword

could break the curse
and bring the dawn.

But try as he might,

neither the king nor his men
could retrieve the w*apon,

for there was no spark
of hope left in them.

In desperation, a tournament was held

to find a warrior worthy
of claiming the blade.

The biggest, strongest
and bravest warriors came

from every corner of the realm,

but it was the smallest of them
all who was destined to prevail.

[SNARLS]

Though he was beaten, he did not break.

Refusing to give in, he rose
and rose and rose again,

fueled by a belief no
blow could extinguish.

With each act of bravery, the
people began to believe as well.

Until at last, they cheered his victory.

[CHEERING]

The resilient champion had broken
the curse and freed the sword.

And the people of the kingdom,
young and old, learned that day

that to dispel the darkness,
we must only believe

in the light.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

This is awesome. I love costume parties.

Oh, Everlight is more
than just a party, Jo.

It's a holiday within our game that

we also get to celebrate in our office.

It's kinda like New Year's, but
it's... [SCOFFS] it's way better.

There's great food. There's
a LARP fighting tournament.

"LARP"? What's "LARP"?

Live-action role-play.
It's simulated battle.

You know, foam swords
and things like that.

And, uh, guess who won
the tournament last year.

- Ian.
- [SCOFFS] He wishes.

- Lou?
- Guess again.

- Poppy.
- Me, Jo. I won.

[SCOFFS]

Won the whole damn thing.

Cool. Head and groin sh*ts legal,

or are we doing some
kindergarten bullshit?

Jo, no. Look.

Ian wants our first official day

back in the office to be
about something special,

not about injuring people.

This day is about magic.

[CHATTERING, LAUGHTER]

- Wow.
- Yep.

Hear ye, hear ye!

Fall silent for your king and queen.

- My loyal subjects...
- Our.

Our loyal subjects, for too long have
we been languishing in the dark.

Seriously, guys, this whole year
has been pretty much sh*t.

[MURMURING AGREEMENT]

- But today, I will find...
- We.

Today, we will find a champion

- who will retrieve the Blade of Light.
- [WOMAN] Whoo!

And bring the new dawn!

Today is Everlight.

[ALL] Huzzah!

At last, the night has ended.

And so a new day dawns!

- Where is our master of ceremonies?
- [DEVICE CHIMES]

Is it on? Where is the volume? Oh, f...

C.W. Yes, thou art coming
in loud and clear, bud.

Ah! Ah, yes. [CHUCKLES]

The grand vizier is here,
viziering from his home

at the request of Her Majesty,
the Overly Cautious.

Well, we can't risk the life of
a national treasure now, can we?

Well, our queen is wise and just.

His ego is a lot stronger
than his immune system.

Huzzah!

A warm welcome to all who
shall test their mettle.

If your sword arm is strong
and your spirit true,

then etch your name into
the stone of the valiant.

Also, please sign the waiver.

Huzzah! Yes, but definitely,
guys, sign that waiver.

Yes, we will not be liable
for any injuries. [CHUCKLES]

Waivers, come get your waivers, dorks.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

[JO] Is Carol drunk?

Oh, that is not Carol. That
is the Mistress of the Marsh.

See, everyone has a character.

But, uh, yeah, her character

really is hitting that
sangria pretty hard.

Uh, you know what? It's fine.

It's all part of the fun, 'cause
no one is themselves today.

Oh, Brad. Why aren't you dressed up?

I am dressed up, for work.

- What are you supposed to be?
- I am Albrecht the Pure.

- So, you're a virgin?
- No, I'm not a...

- I thought this was a fantasy thing.
- [CHUCKLES]

A thousand apologies, my liege.

Oh, God.

Haters gonna hate.

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, Pop, what are you doing?
We're about to start.

Yeah, I know. I'm lacing up my gear.

What? No. You can't fight.
You're a boss now.

Bosses don't fight.

Haven't you ever noticed how
I'm never in the tournament?

'Cause you're scared you'll
lose and look like an assh*le.

I would literally b*at the living
sh*t out of every single person

that works in this office
in hand-to-hand combat!

But I don't do it because
Everlight is not about me.

Uh-huh, but you created
it and made yourself king.

- Well, yeah. The story's gotta make sense.
- Oh, God.

You know, I almost was a god,

but then I thought king kinda
worked better with the fantasy thing.

- But do you think god's better?
- Whatever. I'm fighting.

Look, dude, you can't fight.
This is a holiday for them.

It's a chance for the entire staff

to put last year behind
them and start fresh.

"At last, the night has ended,
and so the new day dawns".

Sure. Yeah, no, the reason you
don't fight in the tournament

is because you care about staff morale

and not because you're worried
you'll get hit by my fireball.

[GROANS]

Yield.

Okay, well, you got lucky.
I wasn't warmed up.

Uh-huh.

- Ow.
- [SIGHS]

The king can't win. Nobody's
gonna cheer for that.

They want an underdog. They want Rudy.

Rudy? Which department is he in?

Rudy doesn't work here.

I'm talking about the movie, g*dd*mn it.

The point is that the champion

needs to be someone that
you wouldn't expect. Look.

Weird Meg won a few years ago.

And you got Small Paul, .

For the love of God, David
was the champion last year.

- I can't believe anybody bought that.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Wait, wait. What do you mean?

I fix the fights. Every year, I pick
the least-expected champion,

and then I engineer their victory,

thereby giving everybody else the hope

that they could become champion too.

But they can't?

Of course they can't, but
they believe that they can,

and that's the magic of Everlight.

Okay, okay, I get it.

And the reason that
I've never been champion

is because I'm not a massive loser.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Whatever you need. Right.
- You're right. I shouldn't fight today.

I might accidentally win 'cause
I'm so physically dominant.

It's happening. This is the
magic that I'm talking about.

You... You believe that you
could win something physical

when of course, you can't,
but you believe that you can.

- Yeah, I'm like you now.
- You're nothing like me.

Yeah, I'm like a female king.

That's a queen.

How hard did I hit you?

[HORN BLOWS]

Lords and ladies, gather round

and screw your courage
to the sticking place,

for the Tournament of the Dawn begins.

- First up, Tall-Paulious Aurelious...
- [CHEERING]

- versus Evi the Forsaken.
- [GRUNTS]

- Impressive.
- I trained long and hard for this.

I wish only to honor
this most sacred day.

Fighters ready? Begin!

- [SHOUTS]
- [GROANS]

- Oh, sh*t.
- [TOGETHER] Oh, sh*t.

[GROANS] Oh, I'm dead.

[QUIETLY] Spent $ on this costume.

Is she your pick for champion?

A tester would make a great underdog.

Yeah, a tester would, but not
that one. She is so annoying.

Now that I have your attention, uh,

I'd actually like to use my platform

to talk about something
kind of important.

Um, I know that this
is a fun fantasy day.

I've noticed a lot of
half-eaten food in the trash.

- It's kind of ignoring the reality...
- Yeah, she is tough.

Yeah. You were close though.

It's gonna be a tester,
but not that one. That one.

So much more likable, isn't she?

Yeah. Yeah, but she's not gonna win.

She's not a fighter. She's a cleric.

- sh*t, really?
- Yeah.

Who comes to a fighting
tournament as a healer?

I don't know.

Oh, wait. I have an idea.

You know what's better
than one champion?

- Two.
- [HORN SOUNDS]

Attention, lords and ladies.
Your queen has an announcement.

After careful consideration,
I have decided...

- We.
- We have decided

to change the format of the event.

- Henceforth, I decree...
- We decree.

We. Wow, it is really easy to do that.

It just feels better to say "I".

- Human nature.
- Sorry, what's going on?

Shut up! You shut up! Shut up!

- What... I didn't...
- [POPPY] Henceforth,

we decree that the tournament
shall be v team battles.

Wait. You're changing the rules?

Yes. Well, trust us.
This will be more fun.

So, please check the
bracket for your partner.

You can't change the format

in the middle of the tournament.
That's completely unfair.

- You're with the other tester.
- It's pairs, everyone.

- We're doing pairs.
- Wait. No. What?

You're fighting in the
tournament. Come on.

What say you, Liliana the Red?
Ready to b*at some ass?

I can't fight. I'm a cleric.
Clerics don't b*at ass.

Well, they heal ass. That
could be useful in battle.

- An ass healer?
- A mythic proctologist.

- Let's go heal some ass.
- Yes!

No! [GASPS]

Please, no! Please don't
do this. Don't sandbag me.

I've got a real chance to
win this, and you know that.

Jo, Jo, Jo, now, Jo, he has a
history of success, all right?

Just give him a sh*t.

- And don't worry, you'll get your kills.
- I'll get my kills?

Jo Bear, your body count
is gonna be massive,

countless by the end of
this, okay? Don't worry.

I can bathe in the blood of my enemies?

Honey, you could drink
it if you wanted to.

I mean, I wouldn't, for so many reasons

but, sh*t, wear it like a lotion.

- Okay, you trust me?
- I trust you.

- And huzzah.
- Huzzah.

What was that all about?

[SIGHS] Well, we cannot
have that maniac win,

so I gave her a handicap.

♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover ♪

♪ I'm a child, I'm a mother ♪

♪ I'm a sinner ♪ Oh!

♪ I'm a saint, I do not... ♪ [HUMMING]

Oh. Damn. ♪ Stay in place
for me while I pee ♪

So this is where sad fantasy
meets shriveled reality.

You know what, Brad?

It's really easy to stand on
the sidelines and poke fun,

- but you know what's actually difficult?
- Respecting you after this?

Being vulnerable.

Instead of living your life

in what Brené Brown
calls "the cheap seats".

I don't know who that is.

Seriously? You don't know Brené Brown?

[SCOFFS] Well, that explains a lot.

I'll send you some links, bro.
She'll change your life.

[SIGHS] Anyway...

Everlight's not just a holiday, man.

It's... It's, uh...

It's a hope that no matter
how dark things get,

we all have it inside of
us to step into the light.

Step into the light, man.

You pissed on your dress.

It's not a dress, Brad. It's a tunic...

God, I did piss on my dress.

Hey, virgin! Let's go.
We've got blood to spill.

Uh... Uh...

Okay. Well, I was...

- [JO] Now!
- Oh. All right.

The tournament resumes

with the dreaded Executioner
and Albrecht the Pure.

Okay, Executioner. Ole Albrecht
the Pure won this thing last year,

- so just take heed and...
- Begin!

- [SCREAMS]
- Damn it!

- [SCREAMS]
- [GRUNTS]

[CROWD GROANS]

- [GRUNTING]
- [GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

- [GRUNTS]
- [CROWD] Oh!

[SHOUTS]

[SHOUTING]

- [SCREAMS]
- Hey, hey. Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, all right, all right.
We won, we won, we won.

- [MAN] Oh, my...
- [WOMAN] Jesus.

[SHUDDERS]

The Executioner and Albrecht
the Pure are victorious.

[CROWD BOOING]

Is this not what you wanted?

- Are you not happy?
- [BOOING CONTINUES]

Well, we've got our villain.
That's for g*dd*mn sure.

Now we just wait for our
heroes to emerge. Right?

Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

- ["WE DRINK LIGHT" PLAYING]
- ♪ So we b*at on against the current ♪

♪ With our backs strong
going against the flow ♪

♪ So we tread on and on,
on and on and on ♪

♪ So forth, so far gone ♪

♪ So we push on through the canopy ♪

♪ With our intention light and true ♪

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[SONG CONTINUES]

♪ So we tread on and on,
on and on and on ♪

♪ So forth, so far gone ♪

[SONG STOPS]

Fireball!

- [PING]
- [GROANS]

I'm okay! I'm good. I'm okay. I'm okay.

[SIGHS]

- [SONG RESUMES]
- ♪ We drink light, we drink light, we drink light ♪

♪ We are thirsty ♪

♪ We drink light, we drink
light, we drink light ♪

♪ We are thirsty ♪

♪ We drink light, we drink
light, we drink light ♪

♪ We are thirsty ♪

[SONG CONTINUES]

[SONG STOPS]

Huzzah!

Our intrepid duo,

- Evi the Forsaken and Liliana the Red...
- [CHEERING]

Boo!

... faces off against Albrecht the Pure

and the bloodthirsty Executioner.

[CROWD BOOING]

- You ready, Albrecht?
- Kidding?

You're talking to the reigning cha...
Oh! I knew you were gonna...

Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! Ah!

Oh, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Stop, stop, stop. [GROANS]

What's going on? We
got a fight to finish.

I'm getting my ass
kicked. It's not cool.

You have to fight back, David.
They're your opponents.

I'm talking about Jo. I mean,
she plays way too rough.

You know what?

That's it. Uh... [GROANS]

I'm done playing with her. I forfeit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't forfeit.
Everlight can't end in a forfeit.

No, Brené Brown says that
when your vulnerability

gets in the way of your happiness,
it's okay to say "no".

Who?

Oh, seriously? You don't
know Brené Brown either?

- Do you know Brené Brown?
- No.

That is just unbel... You know what?

That explains a lot.
I'll just say that much.

It explains a lot. I'm
sending you links.

I'm sending everybody here links.

That's it.

The reigning champ
forfeits. Used to be fun.

- This is bad, Pop.
- Just give him a second to rest up.

We can persuade him to finish.

No, then he'll be fighting
through an injury.

That'll make him the underdog.

People will be rooting for
him like he's Kerri Strug.

You have no idea who Kerri Strug is.

I don't wanna say. You
get so mad. Is it a movie?

Olympic gold medalist Kerri Strug
was a national...

Know what? Doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. We... [INHALES]

We need to find a new villain.

I have an idea.

[IN UNISON] Brad, we need you to fight.

How do you do that?

You are all so predictable.

We just need you to step
in and finish the thing.

No, it's dumb, and I hate it.

We know that you think this day
is just some fantasy bullshit,

but it means something to them.

It's been a really hard year,

and we just wanted to give
the staff a fun first day back.

These people have struggled
through a lot,

but they didn't give up.

They limped back onto the mat,
and they gave it their all.

Now they have to stick
the landing, just like...

- Rudy.
- f*ck!

- No?
- She doesn't know who Kerri Strug is.

- Okay, I'll do it.
- Yes!

- Yes! Thank you.
- Thank you.

Under one condition.

If I win, you cancel Everlight forever.

What do you think?

- Why are you like this?
- Why?

- Were you not hugged as a child?
- What's...

It's dumb, I hate it,
and I want it to end.

That is my condition. Do you accept?

- [SIGHS] Huzzah.
- Huzzah.

[HORN BLOWS]

And so, a new challenger
has entered the ring,

a dark and evil rogue to match
his villainous confederate.

His name...

Brad.

Brad what?

- Brad from monetization.
- [CROWD GROANS]

Oh, come on, man. Don't be such a d*ck.

Take it seriously.

Oh, I'm taking it seriously.

I went to college on
a fencing scholarship.

[CROWD GASPS]

[CHUCKLES] All right.

- Let the fighting commence.
- [CHEERS]

- [YELLS]
- [GRUNTING]

- Die, lesbian!
- Jesus, Jo.

Yeah, we're dipping into some
hate crime territory over there.

- "Die, bitch"?
- That's misogynist.

Just "die"?

- Works for me.
- That's fine.

Cool. Die!

[RACHEL] Liliana!

[GRUNTING]

[SQUEALS] Rude!

[CLEARS THROAT] Executioner?

- You have to die, Jo.
- [SIGHS]

Do I have to?

- Yeah, you have to.
- You have to die, Jo.

Fine.

[GROANS, HUFFS]

I curse thee! May misfortune
plague your houses

until death sends you
to an unhappy grave,

choking on the ashes of your children!

- That was pretty good.
- Great death.

Did she just make that up?

[CHUCKLES] Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.

[CHUCKLES] This is so fun.

- That was awesome.
- I know!

I think we're gonna win. I
really think we're gonna...

- [BRAD GROWLS]
- [GASPS] No!

- Oh!
- [GROANING, GASPS]

Brad. You k*lled me?

I totally took your agency. Felt good.

You are such a d*ck.

- [RACHEL GROANS]
- [CROWD GROANS]

This is okay. This is okay.
This is good. This is good.

You have to avenge me, Liliana.

I can't do this without you.

Yes, you can.

You got this.

This is where our hero will rise.

Okay, Brad.

- Let's go.
- [CHEERING]

- Come on now!
- Yes!

[GRUNTING]

[SHOUTS]

[STRAINING]

No. [STRAINS] Come on.

- Come on, Dana.
- [BRAD] It's happening.

- Come on, Dana.
- Night-night.

- [PANTS]
- [GROANS]

- [SHOUTS]
- Yes, yes!

[CHEERING]

[POPPY] You did it!

- Yes. Go for the sword.
- Yes, get it! Get it!

- [DANA GRUNTS]
- [CROWD GASPS]

[GROANS]

I minored in archery.

Liliana the Red is dead.

The winner is...

Brad from monetization.

Brad won?

[CHUCKLES]

I guess sometimes evil wins.

Okay, well, I guess,
uh, Everlight is no more.

- Your king and queen signed off on it.
- Wait. What?

[BRAD] Darkness will rule
the land forevermore

or whatever nerdy bullshit
you guys wanna say.

That's what's up!

He's lying, right?

Uh...

No.

- [SIGHS] Damn it.
- I can't believe Brad won.

I can because this entire year
has been one giant dumpster fire.

The shittest year of shittest years!

One nice thing. We can't
have one nice thing.

One nice thing!

It's not a coincidence that the
one year this thing doesn't work

is the first year that you're involved.

Oh, so now this is my fault?

I don't know. Maybe this land
doesn't need a female king.

- Oh, this is so typical of you.
- I don't know.

Well, maybe the queendom
should have a... wha...

Wait. Wait.

Brad hasn't beaten everyone
yet. You and I can still fight.

No, Pop, I already told you...

Yes, I know. No one wants
to see the bosses win.

It's not a good story, but
it's the only story we've got.

It doesn't make any sense.

In the story, the king can't
pull the sword out of the tree.

What? The sword doesn't matter.

Wait. Do you not understand the story?

Of course I understand
the story. I wrote it.

The little guy beats the sh*t
out of everybody else

'cause he's so tough.

Then he gets the sword out of the tree,

and he stabs the darkness,

which then destroys it into,
like, a billion pieces or whatever.

No. The story is a metaphor for hope.

The darkness is despair, and
the only way to defeat despair

is by bringing in the light.

And the light is hope.

Okay, okay, fine. Then what's
the sword supposed to be?

The sword is irrelevant.

Although knowing you,
it's probably a d*ck.

Yeah.

[SIGHS] The point is you can't
defeat darkness with a d*ck.

- I could.
- [POPPY] Shut up!

You can't defeat the
darkness with a d*ck

or by throwing a party
or rigging a tournament.

The only way to bring in the light
is by believing that you can.

This isn't over.

Everlight can still work.

You just need to believe.

[CROWD WHISPERING]

All right. Let's do this.

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

[ANIMALS, INSECTS CHIRPING]

[EXHALES]

[CLANGS]

[GRUNTS]

[ALL GRUNTING]

[STRAINS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[FROGS CROAKING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

[PANTING]

Yield, Brad. I don't
wanna have to k*ll you.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[CHUCKLES]

[SNARLS]

[SKIN CRACKLING]

[VOICES WHISPERING]

[DEMONIC VOICE] Oh, I'm no longer Brad.

[GROWLS]

And you cannot k*ll me.

- Oh...
- f*ck.

'Cause I am not a warrior.

[SNARLS]

I'm not even human.

- Oh!
- f*ck!

There is nowhere to run.

Nowhere to hide.

Because I...

am the darkness... itself.

[SNARLS]

[YELLS]

[GASPS]

[GROANS]

[GASPS]

[SHOUTS]

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

[CHUCKLES]

No need to struggle.

[GRUNTS]

Give in.

[GRUNTING]

Give in.

Give in.

Give in to the darkness!

[GASPS]

- [PANTING]
- [GASPS]

Fireball!

Go!

No!

[SHOUTS]

[SCREAMING]

[POPPY LAUGHING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

You did it.

We did it.

[CHUCKLES]

[DISTANT CHEERING]

[CHEERING]

- ["WE DRINK LIGHT" PLAYING]
- ♪ So we take flight dip and swerve and dive ♪

♪ Chase sh**ting stars,
sparks and metal locks ♪

♪ So we launch forth, on and on and on ♪

- Whatever, dorks.
- ♪ So we go on ♪

At last, the night has ended!

And so a new day dawns!

[TOGETHER] Huzzah!

Huzzah!

[NARRATOR] And so
the darkness was lifted.

The king and queen
rejoiced and made merry.

For though they knew that the
darkness will always return,

on this day, this very special day...

there was light.

- [SONG CONTINUES]
- ♪ We drink light, we drink light, we drink light ♪

♪ We are thirsty ♪

♪ We drink light, we drink
light, we drink light ♪

♪ We are thirsty ♪

♪ We drink light, we drink
light, we drink light ♪

♪ We are thirsty ♪

♪ We drink light, we drink
light, we drink light ♪

♪ We are thirsty ♪

♪ We drink light, we drink
light, we drink light ♪

♪ We are thirsty ♪

♪ We drink light, we drink
light, we drink light ♪

♪ We are thirsty ♪

♪ We drink light, we drink
light, we drink light ♪

♪ We are thirsty ♪

♪ We drink light, we drink
light, we drink light ♪

♪ We are thirsty ♪

[SONG ENDS]