01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

[LIVELY GUSLI STRUMMING]

It's nightfall.

The job of a vampire's familiar

is not an easy one.

It's very dangerous.

I mean, they are vampires, after all.

We can go in now.

Good evening, Master.

MAN [MUFFLED]: Guillermo?

Yes, sir?

- Is that you?
- Yes, Master.

- Okay.
- Okay, Master.

It's time to... rise.

MAN: The... Okay.

[RATTLING]

MAN: Guillermo, it is stuck.

I think it is the latch.

GUILLERMO: Being a vampire's familiar

is like being a best friend.

Who-Who's also a sl*ve.

MAN: Guillermo, it's too loud.-What?

GUILLERMO: Tomorrow night marks

the ten-year anniversary since

I started working for my Master.

I think he's planning
something pretty special.

[WHISPERS]: I think he's
gonna make me a vampire.

MAN: This is very embarrassing.

[WHISPERING]: Okay, Master.

He awakens.

[LIVELY STRUMMING]

Very cool, Master.

Very scary.

Thank you.

["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

NANDOR: Everyone?

Nadja, Laszlo.

- Yeah?
- Yes?

Can you come downstairs

for a second, please?

Thank you, Laszlo.

In your own time, Nadja. [CHUCKLES]

Yes, good, excellent.

So, listen.

We have received a letter

and I would like very
much to read it to you.

But not here, we want
to go into the library.

Why not here?

I'd like to read it in there.
It's just a formality.

It'll sound exactly the same if you

read it here than if
you read it in there.

I'm not going to disagree with
you, but that's not the point.

NANDOR: I was a very ferocious soldier

in the Ottoman Empire.

Which meant a lot of
k*lling, lot of pillaging.

People would say, "Please,
don't pillage me."

And I would say, "No.

I'm pillaging everyone, you included."

I was relentless.

They would call me Nandor

the Relentless.

Because I just never relent.

So I'd like very much for us
to go into there, please.

Just a formality.

Come on, please, it's just a formality.

- You could have read it by now.
- Hmm.

Just a formality, okay? Look,
it's not even that far.

- Oh, f*ck this, fine.
- Thank you, Laszlo.

It's just a formality, please, Nadja.

- Just a formality, thank you.
- [NADJA GROANING]

Guillermo, the door.

- That wasn't so bad, was it?
- [DOOR CREAKS SHUT]

Now before we go into the
reading of the letter,

I wanted to talk about
general hygiene in the cell.

- [GROANS]
- Last night,

there were all these people down there,

shouting and screaming, half-drunk.

Where did they find the alcohol?

No, they were half-drunk.
They'd been half drunk.

- Oh.
- Please, finish a whole victim

before moving on to a next one, okay?

It's very unhygienic.

I think I know who's
leaving them down there,

- but I don't want to say.
- If you've got something to say,

- then damn well say it.
- It's not hygienic.

How dare you. [HISSES]

[BOTH HISSING]

The problems with living
with other vampires

are the vampires I have
chosen to stay with.

[NANDOR AND LASZLO STRUGGLING]

Nandor is like

a big turkey just walking around

trying to control
everything on the farm.

- Hyah!
- [LASZLO SNARLS]

NADJA: And Laszlo is my big, crazy,

wild bear and we love to chase
each other around the house.

- I ought to f*cking k*ll you!
- [PANICKED YELLING]

We have a great time together.

LASZLO: I was the most handsome man

in our village.

His village was very badly affected

by leprosy and the plague.

That's true.

And I, myself, did contract leprosy,

but I was quite lucky
'cause it couldn't be seen.

It was only one part of my anatomy.

Well, I can see it.

Anyway, one night,

I was awoken by this...

horrible clawing at the window.

And I thought, "Who the hell is that?

'Cause I live on the third floor."

So I went to investigate it,
I threw back the curtain...

Well, I saw the most beautiful
woman I had ever seen.

But she was gripping the window

and she was clawing at the glass.

I was hypnotized.

I used hypnosis on him.

Which I found out later.

Anyway, obviously I invited her in.

We were about to make love

when she turned into this
hideous, leathery bat thing.

She drained me of my blood,

giving me the curse of eternal life

and thus making me a bloodthirsty

creature of the night.

[HISSING]

[BOTH HISSING]

- [HISSES]
- [THUDS]

Why don't we just write
on them with marker pen?

Put our names and the date?

LASZLO: Oh, that's a good suggestion.

- NADJA: Yeah.
- Good idea, Nadja.

Marker pens, Guillermo.

Make sure they're permanent.

- Sharpie.
- LASZLO: Genius.

- NADJA: With date, as well.
- Yes, great thinking, Nadja.

- And yes, this... yes.
- The name of the month, day, year.

Okay.

And now we come...

to the reading... of the letter.

- [GROANS]
- At last.

Guillermo? Close the door.

- The door's closed, Master.
- Close it more.

More.

Good.

- Now that we are gathered here...
- [SNARLING]

together as one, finally,

in accordance with the protocols...

Which you made up.

Yes.

We have received this letter.

From Baron... Afanas.

Really?

Yes.

NANDOR: How do you...

- GUILLERMO: Like that.
- Shh.

The Baron...

is coming to visit us.

Holy sh*t.

Silence, Guillermo.

Vampire comments only.

The Baron never leaves the old country.

Has he told us what the
purpose of his visit is?

Uh...

No.

LASZLO: The Baron is a firm believer

that vampires should rule the world.

I think the main purpose
for the Baron's visit

is to find out whether we as vampires

have populated America.

But as you can see,

the place is f*cking massive.

When is he coming, exactly?

- Tomorrow.
- sh*t.

NANDOR: Why didn't you
give this to me earlier?

It arrived this morning, Master.

[HISSES]

NADJA: Baron Afanas is...

a very charming member
of the vampire royalty.

A few hundred years ago,

we enjoyed a very intense,
very long sexual affair.

It was pretty wild.

Lots of acrobatic stuff.

This could make it awkward,

to see him with Laszlo...

present.

LASZLO: Just between you and I,

a while back, the Baron and I

enjoyed a very intense sex affair.

Very animalistic.

Acrobatic stuff, you might say.

So I, personally,

am very much looking
forward to reconnecting.

We should get a chariot led by

black alligators.

- I like that.
- That's a lot of alligators,

a lot of paint.

What about a van?

A van? [GROANS]

That's not the same, is it?

Can you at least make sure it's black?

Yeah. Black van for tomorrow?

Excellent. Uh, what about
the Baron's bloodlust?

- Virgins.
- Oh, yes, let's do that.

Guillermo, two virgins
by tomorrow evening.

- [NADJA CHUCKLING]
- Yes, when the Baron arrives

we shall feast on virgin blood.

[BOTH CACKLING]

[VAMPIRES LAUGHING]

[GUILLERMO CHUCKLING]

Vampire only laughing.

- Should we tell Colin Robinson?
- Laszlo,

- that is a terrible idea.
- [LASZLO CLEARS THROAT]

He'll ruin the evening.

Uh, what would ruin the evening?

I told you... didn't close
the door properly.

Are we having a house meeting?

- No.
- No.

So, your gathering here...

is just a coincidence?

Yes.

COLIN: My name is Colin Robinson.

And I am what's known as

a psychic vampire.

Or energy vampire.

This is my office.

Also known as the hunting ground.

Hi, Deb.

Energy vampires drain people's energy

merely by talking to them.

Actual v. Budget,
year-to-date, no thanks.

You're gonna be at that all day.

We either bore you

with a long conversation...

Feeling better now, I was a
little sick this weekend.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Hey, Don.

Don?

I have to pee, too.

Or...

Hey.

We enrage you.

[SHARPENER WHINING, WHIRRING]

In fact, you probably
know an energy vampire.

We're the most common kind...

of vampire.

[SHARPENER SCREECHING, WHIRRING]

We are day-walkers, not
affected by the sun.

[SHARPENER SCREECHING]

And we are the only kind of vampire

that can drain another vampire's energy.

It's very cool.

The power grows stronger
in him by the night.

[SNORING]

GUILLERMO: There's different
kinds of jobs that I have to do.

Keep the house tidy.

Make sure there's no sunlight.

["DANSE MACABRE" BY SAINT-SAËNS PLAYING]

[MIMICKING NANDOR]: Sunlight!
Why, Guillermo,

why?!

Not on my watch.

Getting rid of carcasses,

I feel, is a big one.

So, we are under the stairs
and this is my bedroom.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

This is a picture of me as Armand

from Interview with the Vampire.

Played by Antonio Banderas.

That was the first time I've ever seen

an Hispanic vampire

in mainstream, like, movies.

And I said, "If he can do it, I-I...

[SCOFFS] I can do it."

Guillermo... boarded
this whole window up,

it's a huge sunlight risk.

We wouldn't want the Baron
waking up to sunlight

and being turned into barbecue meat.

Yeah, really cover it.

He's made a lot of
comments recently, like,

"I'm going to make you a vampire."

This is a little coffin toy that, uh...

I hope to be in one of these one day.

What ho, good friends.

LARPERS: What ho!

There's still a few
places to find virgins.

LARPing stands for Live
Action Role Playing.

In regular life, I'm just Jonathan.

But here, I am a very
high-level paladin.

GUILLERMO: I'm not a k*ller.

I find people who are easy...

to... k*ll.

Is that a th-century battle-a*?

Oh, it's so exciting.

Uh, will we be able to touch the swords?

Oh, you'll touch the swords.

NADJA: We moved here from Europe

about years ago because there was

a lot of prejudice against
vampires at that time.

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

- [EXPLOSIONS, g*nf*re]
- [MAN GROANS]

They don't like the color of our skin.

Or the fact that we
k*lled and ate people.

Probably more that.

LASZLO: We're being very
careful not to stand out,

which is why we're both dressed down.

- Uh, good evening.
- Go back to your own country.

What the f*ck did you just say?

You heard me, Ghost of
Christmas Past bitch.

Oh, Mike, shut up.

Silence to you. We've
been here since .

At least, our families have.

Begone.

We should just suck their
blood, I'm absolutely starving.

- They're perfect.
- No, I'm furious.

He just insulted me, I'm in fifth gear.

- We should k*ll them.
- Yes, that's what I'm saying.

- We should suck their blood.
- Yes.

[BOTH MOANING]

- LASZLO: Now?
- NADJA: Wait. Wait, darling.

- Now?
- Now!

What? [GRUNTS]

- Mike?
- [SLURPING, MIKE GROANING]

Where the f*ck are you?

[SNARLING, GULPING]

What the f*ck?

Yum, yum, yum. He was delicious.

Now, listen, I don't know about you,

but I'm very much in the mood
for some sexual intercourse.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Darling. Right next
to the public toilet?

Yes. But why don't I get home,

get cleaned up, then we can
carry on with our love-making.

Um, I'm going to walk home.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Why the hell would you do that?

Why would you walk home?

When you could turn into a bat?

Bat!

[BAT SQUEAKING]

NANDOR: I would like some of that, uh,

colorful dust that sparkles.

- Glitter?
- Yes.

Get me some glitter.

Whatever for, Master?

Oh, I want to do something special

for the Immortal One's arrival.

I'm going to sprinkle it
on my face and on my body.

Like Twilight.

So deliciously macabre.

- Creepy paper.
- It's crepe paper.

- Creepy paper.
- It's crepe paper, Master.

Creepy... Oh, multipack.

Master, this is pretty "macarbre."

[GROANS]

[GASPS, SCREAMS]

NANDOR: Guillermo is my familiar,

but sometimes he's a little too
familiar, you know what I mean?

I mean, he's always just there.

I think it's good, Master.

NANDOR: I mean, he works really hard,

he's just not great at it.

Guillermo, my cape is stuck.

[GUILLERMO GRUNTS]

I don't like saying this kind of thing

in front of him, of course.

Sorry, Guillermo.

I don't like saying this kind
of thing in front of you.

That's okay, Master.

[SCANNER BEEPING]

Lot of glitter.

- Cash or card?
- Credit.

You cannot pay with that.

GUILLERMO: I'm so sorry.

- Did you just throw a coin at me?
- Yes.

Sir, you can't be throwing
ancient coins at me.

- Just... Credit card's fine.
- Guillermo, s*ab this man.

- He's joking.
- s*ab him.

- Ahh...
- Thank you.

- I tried, and...
- Here you go, man.

- Thank you so much.
- You kind of disobeyed me just now.

And I'm noting it.

NADJA: Recently I have
been seeing another man.

[RASPING GROWL]

He doesn't see me, though,
because I sneak behind him.

I watch him in the night,

in secret.

In the old country, centuries ago,

I was in a very passionate love affair

with a human man called Gregor.

He was a knight.

He got decapitated in battle.

I don't think I ever
really got over Gregor.

Even when I met Laszlo.

June, I've lost my boot.

June?

Come on, June.

The man I saw last night,

I think it is him.

I think it is my reincarnated
ex-boyfriend Gregor,

with his head.

LASZLO: Put it on, June.

- Shut up, Laszlo!
- Yes, there we are.

Boot on.

Okay, it's just down here somewhere.

Why haven't I been to this
part of the house before?

It's so lovely.

- No one has for years.
- [GASPS] Gorgeous.

What are we doing down here?

There is a chamber, okay?

It's going to be perfect
for the bloodfeast.

If we have the ceremony in here,

then you-know-who won't
even need to know.

I mean Colin.

- Colin, what are you doing in here?
- Oh...

This is my bedroom. I'm resting.

[DOOR CREAKING]

- [HISSING]
- You idiot.

I didn't know he was gonna be in there.

- Why didn't you check?
- [STAMMERING]

It's fine, we're gonna have
the ceremony in the attic.

We can't, the StairMaster's in there.

Well, we're going to
move the StairMaster.

[SHIP'S HORN BELLOWS]

LASZLO: Is it definitely this boat?

NANDOR: There he is.

NADJA: I knew he'd have a big box.

June, you need to go and fetch him.

[SHIP'S HORN BELLOWS]

WHARFINGER: Sir, I just need
someone to sign for it.

- Where's the pen?
- So, the tablet is the paper.

Your finger is the pen.

Okay, that's weird.

Okay, that's nothing.

Both of you, for some reason,
aren't registering here.

You got long nails maybe or something?

Would you like a go, Laszlo?

- Do you have a quill?
- No, it's all digital.

Then I'm not signing that.

Guillermo, give me your hand.

- Ah.
- Okay!

GUILLERMO: I think the
baron might be here

to see me become a vampire.

That would be really cool.

[INHALES SHARPLY] I'm ready.

[EXHALES]

NADJA: I should be preparing
for the bloodfeast,

but I can't seem to stay
away from new Gregor.

[WHISPERS]: Man. Human man. Man!

- S-Sorry, what did you say?
- Gregor,

it is you.

Oh, my name is Jeff.

- Jeff?
- J-Jeff Suckler.

My sweet Greg... Jeff S...

Really... J-Jeff Suckler?

- Yeah.
- Ew.

[SOMBER ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]

I call that "Nadja's Theme."

[CLOCK CHIMING]

[CHIMING STOPS]

Guillermo, are the
virgins arriving soon?

They should be any minute now, Master.

- Fingers crossed.
- [HISSING]

Sorry.

Don't do that.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ah. Dinner is served.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum...

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

Hello. [CHUCKLES] So
glad you could make it.

Please come in, quickly.

[QUIET, INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Everyone, this is Jenna and Jonathan.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Are you virgins?

LASZLO: Mm.

I don't see how that's relevant.

- Mm.
- I'm actually

in a relationship online,

but we've yet to meet IRL.

Well done, Guillermo.

Yeah.

JONATHAN: All right, okay, let's do it.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Are they a vampire LARP group?

Yeah, well, why don't we wait in here?

The party's gonna start
in a few minutes,

so we can just hang out, and
I'll come get you when...

[PEOPLE MOANING, MUTTERING]

GUILLERMO: No. No, no, no!
No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. I said no!

[INDISTINCT MUTTERING,
GROANING CONTINUES]

[GUILLERMO EXHALES]

We take our LARPing very seriously.

And that was just an example.
I wanted you to see that.

I'm inspired.

So, are you a knight?

Yeah, I'm... Well, no, uh, sorry.

I thought you were gonna
say "night watchman."

I'm a-I'm a night watchman

Mmm.

Protector of the people.

Oh, no, not-not really.

[LAUGHING LOUDLY]

Oh, my sweet Gregor-Jeff,

I forgot how much of a
fantastic raconteur you were.

- [LAUGHING]
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Ooh, do you remember that first time

that we made love, and
it was so passionate

that I accidentally cut off your head?

- No. What?
- Mm!

But then I kept going, squeezing

until my needs were met. Hmm.

We should do that again.

But I mustn't. But I want to.

But you can't.

But I have been married
for such a long time.

- [LAUGHING]
- Oh.

[GROANING VIOLENTLY]

- I must go.
- Okay.

Let me just get your
number before you go...

[BAT SQUEAKING]

so we can... I can...
we can do that again.

Uh...

♪

- You're late.
- NANDOR: Throw it.

That's it.

Okay, Guillermo.

We three... not counting Guillermo...
or June...

or you...

are gathered here in
accordance with the ancient...

Get on with it.

- NADJA: Get on with it.
- Guys.

In bearings with the ordinance-[HISSES]

of the nine generations
that have surpassed us

before this historic
and memorable moment.

[GROANS]

Guillermo, open the casket

of Baron Afanas.

- [METAL CLICKING]
- Oh...

Oh, it opens all by itself.

It's so cool.

♪ In nomine Patris ♪

♪ Et Filii ♪

♪ Et Spiritus Sancti... ♪

- [CRUNCHES]
- [GRUNTS]

LASZLO: Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa...

I say, old chap, that's our familiar.

[HYPERVENTILATING]

Good God.

Guillermo, did you see?

He ate the familiar.

[ROARS]

That's scary.

Ne la materia

che mai non dorme

re de le forme.

I have risen again.

Hello, Nadja.

Hello.

He's so hilarious.

- Laszlo.
- LASZLO: Yes.

I seem to remember him having genitals.

NADJA: No, never. That is why
he was such a good lover.

Guillermo, fetch the virgins.

As an advocate of the old ways,

can I just apologize
for the crepe paper?

NANDOR: Hey...

It should have been
human skin, obviously.

And I deeply apologize
for the StairMaster.

It's all his fault.

I go through all this effort,
I get the creepy paper.

- I get Guillermo to...
- LASZLO: It's not "creepy."

It's crepe paper, crepe.

Silence!

I come with a proclamation.

The old ways...

are over.

Which is what I just said.

The New World, as you call it,

is our lifeline

to an eternal future.

Si...

It's a documentary crew.
They're cameras.

It's like they're not even here.

- They are filming me?
- Yes.

NANDOR: Just pretend
like they're not there.

It's kind of a natural piece.

You were saying, Baron?

Centuries have passed,

and you have not
conquered the New World.

You hide in the shadows.

Bah. You are weak.

JONATHAN: Oh, God. Oh...

NANDOR: Not now, Guillermo.

GUILLERMO: Go, go, go. Go, go, go.

- Go.
- BARON: Oh, by now,

you should rule this, this, uh...

- what is this place again?
- Staten Island.

This Staten Island.

[THUNDER CRASHES, METAL CLATTERS]

Is this Staten Island the seat of power

in the New World?

It is where the boat dropped us off.

Down with the old ways.
Up with t-the New World.

I've been saying it for
centuries, and he would never

- listen...
- Shh.

Mm. I must slumber.

But when I awaken,

we will rule this...

Staten Island.

Y-Yes.

- Yes!
- Yes.

Nadja?

Baron. [LAUGHS]

- Laszlo.
- Baron.

It's Nandor.

[WIND WHOOSHING, THUNDER CRASHES]

LASZLO: Thank God.

NANDOR: The Baron is furious with us.

It's so dumb that I wore glitter.

Let's get rid of this sh*t.

If we don't conquer the New World,

he's going to k*ll us.

Again.

- Basically, we're f*cked.
- f*cked. [GROANS]

NANDOR: Well, that was
a complete disaster.

At least we have the virgins.

- [KEYS JINGLE]
- Uh, yes.

[LOCK CLICKS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

For an economy car.

- NANDOR: Oh, great.
- GUILLERMO: We're too late.

Colin Robinson has drained
them of all their energy.

COLIN: "How are you
gonna wash this car?"

NANDOR: They have no
nutritional value now.

COLIN: And I know you two
said you don't drive,

and don't have driver's licenses,

but are you gonna do a...

a-a different type of car wash,

maybe having detailing done?

Now, detailing, they go into your car

and they get into the
nooks and crannies, so...

Anyway, you take care, okay?

You are glum, Guillermo.

- [QUIETLY]: No.
- Yes.

You think that I've
forgotten that tonight

is a special occasion for
you as well, haven't you?

♪

Does not an anniversary deserve a reward

recognizing your years of service?

[SONG IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE PLAYING]

I'm ready, Master.

Good.

Prepare yourself.

[EXHALES]

Happy anniversary, Guillermo.

- Wow...
- It's a glitter portrait.

It's a portrait made from glitter.

Look, it's you.

I made you a vampire.

And look who's next to you.

It's me.

- Wow.
- Enjoy it.

You can put it in your depressing room.

And you deserve it.
Two years of service.

T-Ten.

Ten years of service. [INHALES SHARPLY]

- Ten.
- Ten years of service?

[MOUTHS]

Okay.

[NANDOR SIGHS]

♪

NANDOR: Night, Guillermo.

♪ Tonight in the moonlight ♪

♪ When I'm alone with you ♪

♪ Tonight in the moonlight ♪

♪ With you. ♪

["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪


[EERIE CHANTING]

[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING]

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[WOMAN WARBLING]

[HISSING]

[FLAMES ROARING]

- Oh!
- Aaah!

ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows.