01x09 - Stoodis

[bunniefuu]

[MGMT's "Time to Pretend"]

♪ I'm feeling rough ♪

Ugh, Ray's mom ordered
way too many Jordan almonds.

Well, it's a good thing she did,

because they're cheaper in bulk,

and you and Ray
invited literally everyone

- to your wedding.
- Yeah.

[laughs]

Ugh, I think I'm gonna barf.

Hey, it's perfectly normal
to be nervous

the night before your nuptials.

♪ ♪

♪ I'll miss my sister, miss my father ♪

What's this?

♪ Miss my dog and my home ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

A full ride to Northwestern?

That's incredible.

No, not good, because...

oh.

Ray won't move with you?

He said he can't do long distance

because his Saturn won't make it

all the way to Illinois and back.

He's not wrong about the Saturn.

I know.

But there's gotta be a way
to fix this.

Right? You love Ray.

Yeah, yes.

I mean, he is deeply unemployed,

and he hates chapter books,

but he's also really sweet,
and he loves me,

and we have history,
but also people would freak

if we didn't...

I don't know what to do.

- Tell me what to do.
- Oh.

Uh...I...

[garbled speech]

Okay, don't just make sounds, Nathan.

Okay, um, I'm not gonna
tell you what to do,

but, Reagan, you deserve

an amazing, epic,
juicy, fulfilling life.

You're brilliant
and hilarious and kind.

But you may not stay that way

if you don't go for what you want.

Now, whether that's Ray
or Northwestern,

I have your back %.

You know that.

But you gotta run
after the good stuff.

[upbeat music]

Okay.

♪ ♪

Okay.

♪ ♪

Think of it
as a fair and honest deal.

Well, you can take your deal

and shove it
up your fair and honest butt.

[light quirky music]

♪ ♪

Hey, hey!

- Nathan!
- What?

Come on!

This is what's best for everyone.

This is how you're
gonna keep your house,

and you'll get paid
to keep doing what you do.

Can you do me a favor?
Shut your lie hole.

That's what I call your mouth now.

- Oh, really?
- Yep.

Actually, it's more like a lie hose

- just spraying lies everywhere.
- Seriously?

- Mm-hmm.
- You're being very childish.

No, I'm not. You're being childish!

You ignore all my calls,
and then I find out

you're leading this, like, secret life.

Why should I listen
to anything you say?

[soft dramatic music]

I told you that Nathan would
blow up over this, and he did.

After the tantrum passes,

he'll see this is his only option.

Right now, you need to focus
on yourself.

Okay, yeah, great, I'll focus on me.

I'm nowhere.

You said that the cultural center

was gonna get a huge piece
of action in this.

Well, where is it, Terry?
Where's my action?

Is this it? Is this it?

Oh, no, that's a ginormous casino.

Oh, what do we have here?
It's a Tesla charging station.

What a bunch of snobs.

I'm just gonna drive in
from the city and go gamble.

I'm gonna cheat on my wife

and not visit the cultural center

that's supposed to be here.

I thought it would be more respectful

to build an entirely separate structure

outside the casino.

[gentle music]

This is your new cultural center.

♪ ♪

Is it two floors?

Oh, my God.
Is that an ADA complaint ramp?

I'm so sorry for doubting you

and also for making fun
of the Tesla charging station.

Actually, I'm not sorry about that.

Elon Musk is dumb,
and he needs to pay his taxes.

This is incredible.

I...

Thank you.

You've more than earned it.

Well, it's a lot of space to fill.

I think it's time
you spoke to Nathan's aunt

about acquiring her collection.

Here.

- Keep it under K.
- Wow.

- Nathan's gonna hate this.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
this multimillion dollar deal

was gonna hurt someone's feelings.

I hear that, but strategically,

it would help if Nathan were onboard.

I mean, he can
be a real thorn in your side

when he wants to be.

I know you don't think
you have a supervisor

he can complain to,
but he will find one.

Noted,

I will take care of Nathan.

You go shake down that old lady.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[light music]

♪ ♪

Good morning, Nathan.

No, it's not.

- It's a stupid morning.
- Wait, what?

I heard from Deirdre's assistant

that today was a call for celebration,

so I made a little adjustment

to the wall of prominent Rutherfords.

What? No, Bobbie.

I don't belong up there.

A lot of these Rutherfords
are m*llitary heroes.

The only thing
I'm gonna be remembered for

is letting this town
turn into a circus.

Wait, I'm trying to catch up.

We hate mornings and the circus?

Yeah, Terry wants
to turn this whole town

into some kind of colonial theme park,

and he wants me to be his Mickey Mouse.

I don't think so.

Right, who would want to be America's

most beloved and recognizable symbol?

You know what I mean.

I'm just saying, if I know Terry,

he's gonna do this with or without you,

and isn't it always better
to be part of the plan?

I have a plan.

I'm gonna hate Terry
for the rest of my life.

But if you can have a say
in what happens in this town,

shouldn't you do it?

It's like when I joined
this g*ng of girls

that were bullying me,

and now we bully others together.

Mm.

We made this one girl transfer.

She was a monster; don't worry.

I guess if I join them,
I could help steer things

in the right direction.

Their model was bleeding
with historical inaccuracies.

They need me.

And if it's done right,

the whole town could be one giant
Rutherford museum.

Ooh, great.

So should we leave the picture up?

Nope, it's gotta come down,
and while you're at it,

can you move Cyrus?

I always felt like
he's flirting with Margaret.

Ew, that's his sister.

[light tense music]

So I should warn you.
I'm not great at negotiating.

I'm what's known
at flea markets as a mark.

Oh, no, that's not why I brought you.

I brought you because you're pretty.

- Pretty?
- Yeah.

Your handsomeness is like a w*apon

that can disarm
even the coldest old lady,

and if it doesn't work out,

I got the van for more hours.

We can have multiple make-outs
in multiple locations.

You really thought of everything.

You got this.

Although, now I'm almost
kind of wishing, like,

it doesn't work out so we could--

- We--let's focus.
- Okay.

[soft clinking]

So, Aunt Joan--
I can call you aunt, right?

Anyway, I am here to ask

on behalf of the Minishonka Nation

if you would do the honor of returning

important cultural items
currently in your possession

so that we may properly care for them.

Those items
have been promised to Nathan.

Yes, I'm aware of your arrangement,

but the tribe is willing
to offer a fair sum,

and I personally am going to throw

something sweet into the pot
just for you.

Oh, tempting offer,
but I indulged my last gigolo

during the Ford administration.

Oh, no, I am not a--
at least, I don't think

- that was the--
- Not him.

Your name on all of the museum labels.

You'll be just like the Sacklers,

minus all of the alleged
predatory opioid abuse.

I am authorized to offer $ , .

You can have them for $ , .

- .
- .

- , .
- .

- ?

's the price,
or you can be on your way.

Okay, great.

I'm just gonna go ahead and reach out

to the Department of Interior

and see if everything's
NAGPRA compliant.

You know, the Native American
Graves Protection

and Repatriation Act?

I don't know if I got a great look

at all of the items
in your carriage house,

but I'm sure
that they were all acquired

in a proper way, so if we were
to get the feds involved,

you'd be fine, right?

Or we can skip that,

and I can give you money

for items that belong to me anyway.

♪ ♪

You've got a deal.
Now get out of my house.

- You can stay.
- Uh, no, I'm gonna go.

Thanks!

♪ ♪

- All right, I'm in.
- That's great to hear.

[chuckles]
Pump the brakes there, Terry.

- I'm not in just yet.
- You just said you were in.

Well, sure, but it's gotta
be on my terms, okay?

If you're gonna turn
this shopping complex

into a true Rutherfordian experience,

I'm gonna need the following.

$ million to expand and modernize

the Rutherford Museum,

full veto power on all architectural

and historical decisions,
use of the company helicopter.

We don't have a company helicopter.

Well, if we get one, I want to use it.

Also an unlimited diorama budget.

I've already spoken to Marshall.

He is in, and he better be,

considering I crushed it
at his wedding.

He sang "Black Velvet"
by Alannah Myles.

His version was minutes,
and it was amazing.

Well, that does sound epic,

and of course we can discuss
your many demands.

In the meantime, I have something

that I think you'll
be equally excited about.

[plucky music]

- You look incredible.
- I look ridiculous.

He looks ridiculous.

This costume is wildly inaccurate.

It's like a hodgepodge
of colonial fashion.

m*llitary jacket, a scrivener's cravat,

a barrister's wig,

and boots clearly taken
from a pirate costume.

We're capturing the spirit of the era

to give the people what they want.

Which reminds me--
you're gonna love this.

♪ ♪

This is the poster image
for Ye Olde Rutherford Village.

♪ ♪

Okay, where do I even start?

This type of butter churn

was used primarily in the Carolinas,

where there is significantly
higher humidity,

and no Rutherford
has actually owned a dairy cow

since Zachary Rutherford
left his wife for one in .

Our market research shows

that the average American's
understanding of history

can be boiled down
to seven concepts:

George Washington,
the flag, Independence Day,

Independence Day the movie,

MLK, Forrest Gump,
and butter churns.

These enhancements
will take your family museum

to the next level.

Grandpappy Rutherford's
Old Time Creamery

and History Museum?

People find dairy-based businesses

charming as hell.

It's wholesome.

And if you throw in a cow
with a cute name,

it's off the charts.

You could call him Sir Milksalot.

Home run, Bobbie. Home run.

You can't milk a male cow!

Nathan, this museum
will draw like crazy.

That's why we put it
next to the food court.

[gentle music]

Go ahead. Give it a churn.

♪ ♪

I'm really trying here, Terry.

♪ ♪

This is what you wanted?

Yes, actually, and it's what you want,

a brand-new, state of the art museum

filled with people
learning about your family.

This version of my family is bullshit!

Respectfully, every version
of your family is bullshit.

At least this one is profitable.

Ooh, ooh, what about Moodonna?

[gasps]

Josh, come on.

We need to get this stuff into the van

before Joan changes her mind

or steals our youthful bodies
Get Out style.

I know. I know.

But there's so much stuff here.

I mean, come on, these love letters.

"Elizabeth, my love.

"I will always regret that
we never had the courage to--"

- That says , not .
- Ah, damn.

I guess it's more just like,
"Elizabeth, my love,

"I will always regret
that we never had the courage

- "to run away together."
- Ooh.

"I will forever cherish
that you named our boy Nathan

"after my father."

♪ ♪

Okay.

Elizabeth is Nathan's mom,
but who is this Ronnie guy?

Um, I think it's his biological father,

which means I don't think

Nathan's technically a Rutherford.

♪ ♪

It's just a letter.
It doesn't prove anything.

Right.

Well, actually, it's letters--
a lot of 'em.

And some of them were pretty graphic.

Yeah, who puts illustrations
in a love letter?

[chuckles]
Yeah, the ' s were wild.

Yeah, they were.

You gonna tell Nathan?

There's an explanation for this.

This isn't real.

Nathan's already pissed,
so I'm not gonna worry him

any more than I have to.

All we have is barely a hunch.

- Plus the letters.
- Yes, we have the letters!

Sorry.

[soft dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Just because we're changing the museum

doesn't mean you have
to pack everything up.

It's all good, Bobbie.

Just gotta make room

for some butter churns
and fake history.

Might as well scrap
my entire family's legacy

while I'm at it.

♪ ♪

Oh, but this is
Eustace Rutherford's shoehorn.

You can't just throw this in a box.

People need to see this.

No, Bobbie, no one cares
about actual history.

Besides, you got your wish.
Mickey Mouse.

Maybe it won't be so bad.
We can fix this.

What's to fix?

It's literally a dream scenario.

I get to dress
like the Quaker Oats guy,

churn butter all day,
and no one will get to learn

the true story of my family.

I just mean this
is a chance to start fresh.

Bobbie, everything
that I've ever cared about

is being turned into a cartoon, okay?

Does that feel like a fresh start?

I don't even know
why I'm talking to you.

You're a teenager. You don't get it.

Well, if that's how you feel,
I can give you some space.

- Yeah, why don't you do that?
- Very well.

You have a : p.m.
dentist appointment

that I won't send you a reminder for,

which sucks for you, because
you have several cavities.

[sighs]

[country music playing]

♪ ♪

Hey, I sent your silverware back.

- Don't ask why, but trust me--
- Nathan isn't a Rutherford.

The custodial parent
release claim from his father.

I had a friend
do some digging in Albany.

I mean, this is ironclad.

Why--why'd you do that?

Now neither of us
can un-know this information.

Are you kidding?

This is the missing piece to my story.

It has everything:
sex, lies, family intrigue.

Oh, no, Josh, you cannot publish this.

What? I have to.

I thought that everything
we talked about

was, like, off the record.

You said that.

That's not how off the record works.

Josh, if you--

I can't be with a guy

who destroys my best friend's
entire life.

Is he your best friend?

Okay, I get what you're saying.

I do, but you're asking me
not to do my job.

- I would never ask that of you.
- I know.

I mean, if the gender roles
were reversed here,

you would be sexist to--

uh, never mind.

I can see that it's unfair
of me to ask you for this,

but it's what I need from you.

I understand, and I would
never do anything to hurt you,

but this is the only way
to tell the whole truth.

[sighs]

I'm sorry, Reagan.

I'm so sorry too.

Glad we're on the same page.

Yeah.

♪ If you cannot feel it in your heart ♪

[birds chirping]

Oh, I thought you were Bobbie.

I figured you'd still be mad at me,

and I've had
a pretty crappy day myself,

so I got some Chang's.

I brang the Chang's
'cause I know it's our thang,

- so if you got the pang--
- Please stop rhyming.

- Totally.
- Thanks.

- It does smell good, though.
- I know.

- Ooh, orange chicken.
- Uh-huh.

Playing hardball.

Okay.

Can I just say that this
has been the worst day?

- Week. The worst week.
- I agree.

[laughs]

And with that said,
I have a hypothetical.

Hit me.

Tell me, do you prefer your bad news

flash fried
and served quickly on a plate

or is a slow-steamed bun
more your thing?

Yeah, sorry, that's hard to tell.

Um...

I...have something to tell you,

and I know it'll make you upset, but...

I care about you so much,
and I know if I don't tell you,

you'd be more upset, and that's--

Okay, I'm all out of upset today.

I already smashed two butter churns.

[chuckles]
I mean, just lay it on me.

Well, earlier today,

I was at your Aunt Joan's house,

- and I found something--
- Wait.

Why were you at my aunt's house?

Okay, yeah, let's start there.

Um, as part of the casino expansion,

I've been given a budget

to acquire Minishonka items,
and I bought some from her.

Huh.

Well, this Chang's is cooked in blood.

- Oh, my--
- Who are you anymore?

First you go work for Terry,
my nemesis,

and then you go, like,
steal stuff from my family?

Okay, I--I bought it from her,

and if you want to talk about stealing,

I mean, there's no way
that your family--

you know what?

This is exactly why I thought

that you couldn't handle more
bad news today.

Bring it on, honestly.

I mean, what is it?
Did you k*ll my brother?

Is my grandmother an alien?

You're not a Rutherford.

I found some letters
in the carriage house,

and they are from a man
addressed to your mom,

and then Josh confirmed it
even though I asked him not to.

It's gonna come out,
and I thought you'd rather

- hear it from me--
- Get out.

Nathan.

Why would you even say that to me?

Because it's what happened.

Yeah, right.

I am so sick of everyone

thinking they know more
about my family than I do.

You don't know anything
about my heritage.

You don't know anything about me.

So please just go.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, bud.
- Hey, Duz.

What's up, man? How'd you find me?

Uh, well, you gave me this
when you were years old,

and you said to open it
in case of emergency.

"Should I go missing,

"I am most likely sitting
in quiet contemplation

"at Buckheart Lodge.

"If I am not there,

"investigate the following suspects.

"The Chisenhalls, Manuel Noriega,

"Cobra Commander."

Okay, come on, I was .

All right, well, I'm glad I found you,

because Cobra Commander
was no help at all.

You know, a lot of people
are worried about you, man.

I talked to Reagan.

Oh, which one did you talk to?

The one that I grew up with
and have loved dearly

my entire life, or the one
that was recently bitten

by a vamp-liar and is now cursed

to tell bizarre lies
for the rest of eternity?

Yeah, it's just, the thing is, uh,

Reagan might technically be...

almost certainly right about this.

Duz, I love your sense of humor--

You remember Mr. DeAngelo
from Mom's bowling team?

- Yeah, Uncle Ronnie.
- Right.

You remember how he used to
come over to the house a lot?

And how Mom and Dad
slept in separate bedrooms

for, like, three years?

And that one time
that Dad threw your television

across the room because he saw you

watching professional bowling?

Oh--oh, my God.

Mom was boning Uncle Ronnie?

He--he's my--

I'm sorry, Nathan.

How are you so sure?

Well, I wasn't, but when you asked me

to grab those documents in my pantry,

there was a letter stuck to the back.

It was Uncle Ronnie writing to Mom

agreeing to renounce his paternity.

And there were a bunch of
bowling scores at the bottom.

It turns out Mom
was a really great bowler.

- I don't know if you knew that.
- So I'm a DeAngelo?

No.

I mean, genetically,

but you're a Rutherford, man.

I mean, you've dedicated
your entire life

to this family.

You're more Rutherford than any of us.

But I'm not.

- I'm not a Rutherford.
- Yes, you are.

You are still my brother.
Don't say that.

Yeah, but I'm your
adopted half brother,

Nate DeAngelo.

Okay, uh, thank you

for, um, enlightening me.

[sighs] Whew.

It's a lot to take in,
but, you know, um,

it's all good.

It's all good.
[chuckles]

It's all good.

Okay, I kind of wish
you'd put the poker down.

What, oh, am I scaring you with this?

- Just, let's--
- Ah, I'm gonna k*ll you.

Uh, just, wow, yeah.

Had a big crush
on Janet DeAngelo as a kid.

Tried to make out with my half-sister.

A lot of memories coming into focus.

Mm, very cool.

Look, why don't you come home
with me for a few days?

The girls would love to see you.

Okay, I, um...

I just--I think I need some alone time.

[sniffs]

I'm--I'm okay. I promise.

Come here.

[tender music]

♪ ♪

I'm really sorry, man.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- I'll call you tomorrow.
- Okay.

♪ ♪

[phone buzzing]

Finally.

I was so mad at you,
I was actually doing homework.

Hey, Bobbie, just a quick FYI.

- I'm closing the museum.
- What?

- For how long?
- For approximately ever.

And I just wanted to say thank you

for your hard work and dedication,

and I'm sorry I wasted your time

with such a dumb museum
for a dumb family who is dumb.

All right, look, I'm getting
out of town for a little bit,

and also, Bobbie, I really am sorry.

You're just an awesome person.
I'll see you later.

Uh--
[phone beeps]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[engine revving]

[clanking]

Ah, God.

Well, that tracks.

[Jesse Ed Davis' "Washita Love Child"]

[rock and roll music]

♪ ♪

♪ I was born on the bank ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Of the the Washitaw River ♪

♪ ♪

♪ In a Kiowa-Comanche tepee ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Daddy had a hard time ♪

♪ Mama made his eyes shine ♪

♪ Lord, it was just us three ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Well, they went riding bareback ♪

♪ ♪

♪ In fact, I tied my hair back ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And I did that powwow thing ♪

♪ Daddy showed up
with a stellar guitar ♪

♪ And I knew right then I believe ♪

♪ I'm a love child ♪

♪ And I'm running wild ♪

♪ Hope it don't take too long ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'ma love you ♪