01x06 - Baron's Night Out

[bunniefuu]

NANDOR: Guillermo, I
want you to go tomorrow,

and I want you to get
some of those things

that humans use for smelling.

Rhymes with "hoses."

Noses?

NANDOR: No. It's a green, spiky stick.

You know, with the colors on the top.

You got the red. "I love you.

- Here's some... "
- Roses.

NANDOR: Roses, yes.

The Baron's attic has got
a bit of a dank whiff.

Since the Baron arrived,

things have been very stressful.

That's our familiar.

NANDOR: He's staying in
our attic at the moment,

and that's a lot of storage
space that we-we can't use.

When is he going to leave, anyway?

Shh, Nadja!

Guillermo.

Well, pull it, then.

[LOUD CLATTER]

- NADJA: Oh!
- Too loud!

- He needs to pipe down with that.
- Yes.

- When will he leave?
- Shh.

Nadja, you must keep your
voice down, my darling.

Oh, for goodness' sake,
I'm not scared of him.

- [CRIES OUT]
- Oh...

The Baron has awakened?

Sorry, was that a yes?

- LASZLO: Was it a nod?
- No, I asked and she went,

she went and did this.

That is a nod, I've
seen her do it before.

What, this? Like this?

- He's awake.
- COLIN: He's awake.

[LAUGHS]: Oh, he's awake.

All right, I-I can feel

his energy, it's very dark
and angry, and I think

it's pointed at you guys. [CHUCKLES]

Hate to be you guys.

["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪

In Europe, a couple of centuries
ago, the Baron was a fun guy.

And we got up to some very
messy business together.

- Yes.
- Problem is,

he's turned up recently

with what only can be described
as pretty old-fashioned ideas.

He's obsessed with the idea of
vampires taking over all humans,

which, at first, you're like,
"Oh, that's a cool idea,"

but then, after a while, it's like,

"Sorry, why are we doing this?"

Yeah.

You can bet your balls
he's gonna be furious

we haven't come up with
a conquering plan.

NANDOR: Maybe he's not angry.

Maybe he's just wanting a chat?

Get up with the latest vampire gossip.

- [MOUTHS]
- That's highly unlucky, Nandor.

The man's a f*cking psychopath.

I think he's going to k*ll us all.

That's more likely.

Baron, we are here.

But there's really no need for
any kind of grand entrance.

Or j-just do your bit...
that's fine, too.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

♪ In nomine Patris... ♪

My slumber is...

[DISTORTED]: complete.

Great. Uh, we weren't sure

that you wanted us to conquer the whole

of North America, or just, you
know, maybe a couple streets?

[DISTORTED]: Silence!

I have heard so much of the
wonders of this New World,

yet I have seen of it
not but this attic.

Uh, would you like us to get you a TV?

No.

I want to see the sights.

- I want a night on the town.
- [THUNDER CRASHES]

A night on the town?

Really? I mean, won't
that be a bit difficult

with your, um... ? [GRUNTS]

[NADJA GASPS]

Oh.

You were saying?

[STRAINS]: No, but I'm sure
we can help you fit in.

[GRUNTS]

Marvelous.

- [COUGHS]
- Ah, relax.

This is going to be fun.

No.

Oh, that's the documentary crew.

- [GROWLS]
- [SCREAMS]

[BUZZING, DISTORTED AUDIO]

[DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE]

We are so sorry that...

our houseguest ate your sound recordist.

NADJA: This... what is this
"conquering America" stuff?

He's going to get us k*lled.

Not unless he tries to
k*ll us himself first.

He threw me straight across the room.

Most importantly, we are...

[DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE]

... that he ate your sound
recordist. That was very...

[DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE]

Yeah. Wasn't very cool. We'll, uh,

we'll make sure we
look after you people.

And how are we going to do that?

[WHISPERS]: I don't know, uh...

NADJA: Of course it's a trap.

Why would the Baron want
to go on a night out?

Because he wants to know how
much of America we've conquered.

And when he finds out that we've
just conquered our street

and part of Ashley Street,
he's going to k*ll us.

But if we seriously think
he's gonna "quack" us...

- NADJA: Which we do.
- ... then we should "quack" him first.

You want us to quack him?

If you think he's gonna
"whack" us first, yes.

Laszlo, be quiet. We will not
discuss this any further.

It is the greatest violation

of the unnatural order by which we live.

- Also, can he even die?
- [DOOR CLOSES]

- NADJA: Oh, my...
- [SHOUTS]

NANDOR: You happy now? You just scared

the sh*t out of all three of us?

Hmm? You don't knock anymore?

Is this the new you? Hmm?

Sorry, I just wanted to inform
you that the Baron's ready.

- Oh.
- NADJA: God...

He's really terrifying.

Yes, okay, well, we all
are, we are vampires.

Well...

- [HISSES]
- Eh.

[HISSES]

Get out.

We shall call this night Operation...

Accidentally k*ll the Baron.

Absolutely not. At least
think of a different name.

This conversation never happened.

[OWL HOOTS]

[CREAKING]

[WHISPERING]: She keeps looking at me.

Don't look at her.

[DOOR OPENS]

[NADJA LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Bloody hell, he's wearing two ruffs.

- [APPLAUSE]
- Let our grand evening

on the town commence.

- NADJA: Yes! Very good.
- [CHUCKLES] Yes.

Yes, uh, this is what
you're going to wear?

Is it not right?

Y-Yes, I mean, you look
the... dog's knackers.

But, um, where we come from, two ruffs

means you're up for anything.

Uh, it's best just to kind of
blend in like... like we are now.

Yes.

Yes, I see.

I want to walk amongst
the commoners unnoticed.

- NADJA: Yes.
- A prince amongst paupers.

- NADJA: Yes, very good. Very good.
- NANDOR: Exactly.

Two ruffs don't make a right.

[LOW SNARL]

Colin Robinson.

Oh, wow. Uh... hello.

NANDOR: You wouldn't happen to have any

human-type clothes to lend to the Baron?

Uh, yeah, I-I could
scrounge something up.

What size are you?

Mm, this size.

And what kind of vibe
are-are you going for?

Jeans, T-shirt? Are you a
jeans and T-shirt type of guy?

Probably not shorts.

Um, maybe some cords, some w-wale cords.

He is not coming along, is he?

I will take care of it.

Oh, okay. But don't make
a big thing out of it.

- Mm?
- Okay.

LASZLO: Vampires have
hidden amongst humans

for millennia.

There are some in the
community that believe

that vampires should rule the world.

One such person

is the Baron.

And he's become a massive prick.

Absolutely agree.

LASZLO: Which is ironic,
because he doesn't have one.

[BATS SQUEAKING]

Where is he?

He was right behind us.

[CAWING]

- LASZLO: Ah.
- NANDOR: He's going to frighten

the townspeople.

- Oh.
- [GRUNTS]

- LASZLO: Um...
- MAN: Holy sh*t.

A lot of these buildings
are, uh, are taverns,

- or bars as they call them.
- NADJA: Don't mind him.

- WOMAN: Did you see that?
- Why are these pedestrians

- making rictus faces at us?
- MAN : Oh, my God.

Devils suck, man.

- [CHUCKLES]
- We are vampires!

Shh! What are you doing?

He is literally going around,

telling everyone, "Nice to
meet you, I am vampire."

And, you know, there's
only so many times

you can say that he's joking,
because look at his face.

- Yo, Laz. Nadja. Whoa...
- [LOW GROWL]

I was just, uh, stocking upon some brews

for the big game.

Who is this guy?

[GROANING]

NADJA: No, no, no. This is
our neighbor Sean, sire.

NANDOR: He brings our trash cans in

when we forget them.

[GRUNTS]

[COUGHS]

What the f*ck? How did he... ?

LASZLO: Shut up. You
won't remember anything

from the last five minutes.

Yo, Laz, Nadja.

I was just going to stock
up on some more brews.

- [GROANING]
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

LASZLO: No, no, no, no...

BARON: We will fill this place

with the carcasses of the conquered.

Some humans will become slaves.

The rest, food.

sl*ve.

WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: Pharmacy,
pick up line three, please.

Pharmacy, line three.

[GASPS]

Food.

He's as mad as a wax banana.

- He's a f*cking liability.
- I think it might be

better if he dies.

How about we just put his coffin
on a nice, long ocean journey?

Look at this wonderful talisman.

- Whoop.
- [LAUGHTER]

Need I haggle with the proprietor?

- Just put it in your pocket.
- Hmm. It is done.

BARON: Let us see, what to drink.

What to... [GASPS]

[MOANS]

- LASZLO: Oh, no, no.
- [LAUGHS]

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

NANDOR: Oh, give him a nice hug from us.

- Is he okay? I...
- NADJA: Ha, ha.

Whoa, dear. Hi.

The Baron is being very loud and obvious

and vampirey and reckless.

He had a very high alcohol content.

Do you think maybe we
should move the body?

Now he's just gone up to a drunk man

and he's drunk the drunk man's blood

that has made him drunk.

[SIGHS] Okay. That's a...

Just a little dizzy. Okay.

- A little dizzy, little dizzy.
- [MOUTHING]

[MOUTHING]

[ALL WHISPERING]

I am better.

Back in the saddle.

The drinking saddle!

That was bollocks.

♪ We need you now... ♪

You people are as much
fun as the plague.

Remember the plague? And
how much fun it was?

That's this.

- Let's liven this place up.
- Not too lively.

It's very important to just
blend in and go with the flow.

Or we could do sh*ts.

sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts,

sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts,
sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts,

sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts.

[MAN GASPING]

LASZLO: For God's sake.

Oh, who wants a sh*t? [SNARLS]

We could do sh*ts.

[BARON MOANING]

Just a minute.

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- And I said,

"No, how do you like your stakes?"

And pushed it right
through his stupid heart.

[NADJA SHRIEKS WITH LAUGHTER]

You know I'm not really a baron.

NANDOR [SLURRING]: Yes, you are.

You're the Baron.

No, I am not. It was a nickname.

To tease me.

Barren, B-A-R-R-E-N.

Huh.

Because I cannot sire offspring

due to my lack of genitals.

- Hello... whoop!
- There it isn't.

NADJA: I like it.

All I ever wanted was a child of my own.

Well, I don't know, Baron.

Maybe we could be your children.

- NADJA: Yes.
- Yes.

- Yes.
- Also, maybe

you want to pull your
pants back up now or... ?

Hmm? Oh, of course.

NADJA: Aw...

[GROUP LAUGHING]

NADJA: The Baron,

he told us very sad story.

We might not k*ll him now...

no, not going to k*ll him.

BARON: It's just hard.

I used to derive such
pleasure from k*lling,

but now... it's just a thing

I do because... why?

Because I've always done it, I guess?

And these dark rages that overtake me,

oh, my mind is devouring itself.

Aw...

We're all going through sh*t.

It's hard doing what we do.

BARON: You know...

this is going to sound odd, but...

I was thinking of k*lling
all of you tonight.

- NADJA: Ah.
- Yeah, yeah, I was.

Ah.

BARON: What have I become?

[NADJA AND LASZLO CHUCKLE WEAKLY]

Guess what.

[NANDOR GIGGLES]

We were going to k*ll you tonight, too.

[SNICKERS]

[TRIO LAUGHING]

NANDOR: We were going to k*ll you!

[LAUGHING]: It was,
it was Laszlo's idea.

- Yeah, it was.
- [TRIO LAUGHING]

He had the stake,

- the...
- [LAUGHTER STOPS]

... stake...

I beg your pardon?

NANDOR: Uh...

LASZLO: He was just joking, it was,

it was just an idea that
we were kicking upstream.

NANDOR: Was more of a
"what if" situation.

Like, "What if?" and then "No."

Shut up.

- [GROANS]
- [NADJA GIGGLES NERVOUSLY]

You... "kicked upstream"

the idea of k*lling... me?

As a joke. Nothing more.

NADJA: Just a... a laugh.

NANDOR: Nothing happened.

[LAUGHS]

LASZLO: Oh...

- Your faces!
- Oh, the Baron...

- Oh...
- You shithead.

BARON: Oh, I am proud of you.

If I were you, I would
have done the same thing.

[ALL LAUGHING, CHATTERING]

BARON: Where is next?

You know what I have
always wanted to try?

- Coprophilia.
- No.

Pizza pie.

Is it as wonderful as they sa... ?

Coprophilia?

Sire, this is an even worse idea

than when we tried to inv*de Vienna.

It's certainly going
to make you very ill.

I'm having pizza pie.

Oh, no, no, no.

[TRIO GROANING IN DISGUST]

Mmm.

[CHUCKLES]

Mmm.

The garlic burnt a little, but...

[RETCHES]

[GROUP GASPING, GROANING]

Down he goes.

- [RETCHING]
- NANDOR: He's up again.

NADJA: The Baron has eaten

some human food and now his body

is being propelled
around by his own vomit.

- LASZLO: Is he all right?
- NANDOR: Now, where's he going?

NADJA: So, that's what's happening

right now.

[TRIO GASPING]

- LASZLO: There he is.
- NADJA: Ooh.

♪

Uh...

[LASZLO AND NANDOR GASP]

Totally worth it.

What is next?

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

- [TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]
- [BARON HISSES]

[GASPS]

[GROWLS]

♪ I ♪

♪ I'm alive ♪

♪ I'm alive. ♪

We drank the blood of some people,

but the people were on dr*gs

and now I am a wizard.

The Baron is, is very,
actually... great man...

I drank the drug blood.

Yes, I drank some drug blood.

We drank... we've done some drug blood.

BARON: ♪ It is the time ♪

♪ Of the season ♪

♪ When the love runs high ♪

♪ It is the time... ♪

That's the Baron I remember.

Having a really great time,

but it's almost sunup.

I think we should leave soon,
otherwise we're gonna be fried.

♪ It's the time of the season ♪

♪ For loving ♪

♪ Ah. ♪

Laszlo, can you see if they have

"Girl in the Village
with the One Small Foot"

by Vasilios the Balladeer?

- Yep.
- Never mind.

I'll sing a cappella.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- LASZLO: Okay.

♪ There was a girl in the village ♪

♪ She had one very small foot ♪

♪ Did she lose her foot in the well? ♪

- It is time to return to our den.
- ♪ No one knows ♪

- ♪ No one knows... ♪
- Party's over.

[DISTORTED]: I said we are leaving!

[FEEDBACK]

- NANDOR: We should go.
- LASZLO: Yeah, yeah.

- [KEYS JANGLING]
- NADJA: The sun is coming.

NANDOR: The door's stuck again.

Everyone, quickly, the sun is coming.

[CHEERING, LAUGHTER]

- ♪ Par-tay! ♪
- Come on.

Just one foot at a time, Baron.

COLIN: Someone sure
had a good time, huh?

NADJA: Colin Robinson, we missed you.

- BARON: Hi.
- What?

What-What's wrong with you?

We are on dr*gs.

[BARON PANTS]

Have you partaken of the pizza pie?

[GROUP LAUGHING]

NANDOR: I can do this, I can do this.

NADJA [LAUGHING]: Oh, no, the sunlight.

- [LAUGHS]
- Laszlo!

Careful.

Be careful.

- Oh...
- Oh, man.

BARON: Look at this... wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

No, the sunlight.

I'm so scared.

No, no, no, Baron.

- Baron...
- No, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, go easy.
It's dangerous, man.

He's being an idiot. Come on, Baron.

You're a bunch of pussies... [YELPS]

[GROANS, LAUGHS]

NADJA [LAUGHING]: See what you've done.

- Did you see that?
- You hurt yourself.

- Come on, Baron.
- Put your night skirts on

- and go to coffin.
- BARON: All right, okay,

- okay, okay.
- Go to coffin, Baron.

Thing off, I don't know how
to work this. [LAUGHS]

- [NADJA LAUGHS, GASPS]
- Oh... ah!

LASZLO: Oh, sh*t.

[BARON GASPING]

[GRUNTING]

LASZLO: Baron?

Well, that was unexpected. [LAUGHS]

Uh, oh... oh...

oh... aw...

Hello. Oh.

[EXCLAIMS]

- NADJA: sh*t.
- LASZLO: sh*t.

- Is he dead?
- Oh, no.

[HISSES] Ouchie.

Just a little sore.

Oh, God... Oh. Oh...

lucky I missed these wooden stakes.

[ALL LAUGH]

He's safe.

I am okay.

[YELPS]

What's that smell?

Hey, I got the rose...

[WHISPERS]: f*ck.

[GASPS]

Oh...

- Wow.
- [GROANS]

Oh, sh*t.

♪ Let's go sunning ♪

♪ It's so good for you ♪

♪ Let's go sunning ♪

♪ 'Neath the sky of blue ♪

♪ Greet the sun every morn ♪

♪ Feel as free and happy
as the day you were born ♪

♪ Let's go native ♪

♪ Sun your cares away, be creative ♪

♪ Learn to live and play ♪

♪ Pretty flowers need the sun ♪

♪ This applies to everyone ♪

♪ Happiness to everyone ♪

♪ So let's go sunning. ♪