03x25 - Green Card

[bunniefuu]

- Oh, hi, Niles.
- NILES: Hmm?

Say, look at this great
Mother's Day present I got.

- % off on the red dot sale.
- Hmm.

Oh, by the way, here's your magic marker.

Every light in this entire house is on.

Do you people realize how
much energy we're wasting here?

Would you just sign my report card?

Nice try, Brighton.

Oh, B, you failed French.

- What are you talking about? I got a "B."
- No, you didn't.

You turned the "F" into a
"B" with a red magic marker.

You know, I am horrified.

Fran, you've gotta promise me

you won't tell Dad I failed French.

You know what a pain he can be.

Your father? The most compassionate,
understanding, handsome...

He's standing right behind me.

Oh, yeah.

That's right, Brighton.
And you are getting a tutor.

A tutor?

Oh, that's not how you
learn a foreign language.

You gotta go to the country

and immerse yourself in the culture.

Forget it, Miss Fine.

You're not getting a trip to Paris.

I tried that when I wanted to
perfect my Swedish meatballs.

He sent me to Ikea.

Now, you know, I might not
mind a hot-looking French tutor,

some babe in a short skirt,

spiked heels, a little accent.

Oh, come on,

do you think your father's
gonna hire a floozy like that

to teach his kids? Please.

* She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

Fran, what are you doing to the
blouse you bought your mother?

I'm sewing the size in upside
down so the "L" looks like a " ".

Basically I'm knocking
pounds off her for Mother's Day.

Better you should give her some
grandchildren before she dies.

How much did she pay you to say that?

Nothing.

What do I need? Knock wood.

I live in a beautiful mansion,

and thanks God I got my health.

Oh, can you believe Ma would lay guilt

on a little girl just
to get what she wants?

I want a kid so I could do that, too.

Having kids is hard work.

I wouldn't know where to start.

How about by getting a date?

Well, I'll be back shortly.

I'm just going out to
lunch with a friend of mine.

- Okay.
- Mr. Wilder.

He's getting divorced for the second time.

Married a beautiful blond chorus girl.

His poor children were so attached to her.

Been disinfecting the
extension phone again, Niles?

Cold and flu season, sir.

(GRUNTS)

Well, the whole thing's a bloody mess.

I'll tell you, I'm not gonna remarry

until the children are
grown and out of the house.

Well, wait a minute.

That could be, like, years.

I mean, what if you met the right girl?

You think she's gonna wait all that time

to settle down and start a family?

I don't know. If she's the
right person, she'll understand.

No, she won't.

(HORN HONKING)

That'll be Mr. Wilder.

He bought a new Bentley to hide

some of the money from her divorce lawyer.

(CHUCKLES)

Bundle up, sir. There's
just so much I can do.

Oh, meanwhile, I gotta
spend the whole afternoon

interviewing French tutors for Brighton.

Well, what happened to the one
Mr. Sheffield liked, Nannette?

No, no.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll tell you, it's a good thing

Mr. Sheffield put me in charge of this,

'cause unlike a man,

I will hire a tutor based solely
on their academic credentials.

- Bonjour.
- You're hired.

Miss Fine, it's degrees in here.

Why did you turn up the heat?

Oh, would you leave me alone?

I'm checking out the tutor's credentials.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Il fait chaud ici.

Mighty impressive.

Vive la France.

Oh, croissants.

Croissants.

I never thought I'd say
this to you, but more nasal.

Niles, I'm an American.

I don't have to put on some fake
accent just to impress someone.

Allo.

Would you care for some croissants?

Merci, chérie.

(SPEAKS FRENCH) Maintenant Brighton,

another time. Once
more. With feelings, huh?

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Mon chéri, je t'adore.

No. No, no. You m*rder the language.

Brighton, say it as though you were

speaking to an exquisite woman, huh?

Je t'adore.

Je t'adore.

Je t'adore.

Well, honey, even I understood that.

Go shut the door.

Come on, guys, it's a Saturday.

I don't want to be stuck in the house.

Listen, Brighton, you're not going
anywhere until you pass French.

So just plant your little
derrière on the chair.

Today is a school day.

You should listen to your beautiful nanny.

Recess.

Forgive me if I stare.

You have such classic features.

You remind me of a Rodin.

Rodan, the pterodactyl
that terrorized Tokyo?

Well, I've been called worse.

(SPEAKS FRENCH) Vous êtes très charmante.

In my country, a woman as beautiful as you

would have a family of her own

or at least be responsible
for one breaking up.

That is so sweet.

Perhaps you would like to
join me for dinner tonight?

Oh, Philippe, that's awfully sweet of you.

But it's a little last-minute.

I mean, I already made dinner plans.

But you know what?

Let me just go see if I can change them.

Okay?

Niles, Niles,

cover up the holes on the
Lean Cuisine with some tape

and shove it back in the freezer.

Oh, Fran, you look so pretty.

I've never seen you in that dress.

Oh, sure you have, honey.

This is the one that I always pull out

when my relationships start
to get a little serious.

No. I've never seen you in that dress...

You made your point, honey.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it.

Philippe.

Bonsoir, Brighton.

He's French. It's cool, isn't it?

You know, Fran, maybe I
should say hello to Philippe.

I mean, I don't wanna be rude.

Now, sweetie, this is Brighton's tutor.

But aren't you failing Italian?

No.

Well, don't you think you should be?

Yeah.

Bonsoir, Philippe.

Did you study your French last night?

Well, how's this?

Did I pass the oral exam?

Ah, Philippe, I see you're exposing

my nanny to your native tongue.

Mr. Sheffield. I'm sorry.

I guess I just have no French resistance.

Well, neither do the French.

They surrendered in every
w*r they've ever been in.

That is because we are
lovers, not fighters.

I believe your employer is jealous, huh?

Miss Fine, I believe
your date is presumptuous.

One thing a Frenchman can
spot a mile away is a cuckold.

Oh, really?

Now, you see, I would have thought

that would have been a
plate of stinky cheese.

- Limey.
- Frog.

The only good thing to come out

of your country is Andrew Lloyd Webber.

All right. That does it.

Hey, hey, hey.

You know, I had a dream like this once.

How long do we have to put up
with that posturing Frenchman?

And why do they let so many foreigners

into this country in the first place?

Crumpet, sir?

Oh, Maxwell, don't be so selfish.

Philippe and Nanny Fine
are perfect for one another.

You know how the French love a fine wine.

Well, now he can listen
to one hours a day.

No sour grapes.

You could have foreign
men worship you, too.

Go to India. You'd be sacred.

Why is she throwing herself at him anyway?

I mean, it's not as if she's never
seen a good-looking man before.

I've been known to turn a few
heads in my time, right, Niles?

You're a brick...

house.

Mighty, mighty.

But perhaps Miss Fine has reached a point

in her life where she wants a little more.

What do you mean, a little more?

Well, you know, sir, a
little something extra like...

He proposed! He proposed!

... that.

What? What do you mean he proposed?

Well, I knew he was up to something

'cause he started with that
"Shut the door. Shut the door."

Miss Fine, how could the man
possibly want to marry you?

Pardon moi?

Well, I mean, he barely even knows you.

Well, some people know what
they want as soon as they see it

'cause, unlike other people,

they are in touch with their feelings

and are not afraid to express them.

Deux points, deux carats.

Just what exactly are you saying?

What are you saying?

I'm not saying anything.

Bingo! Au revoir.

What? What's the big news

you couldn't tell me over the phone?

Happy Mother's Day.

(SCREAMS)

Are you pregnant?

No.

Oh, I can't believe that Mr.
Sheffield finally proposed to you.

Oh, no, Ma. It's not Mr. Sheffield.

It's Philippe, the guy
that I've been seeing.

Someone proposed to you without
even meeting your mother?

Gee, you know, I never
made that connection before.

Darling, I don't like this at all.

Oh, Ma, you're gonna love Philippe.

He is the most passionate,

sensuous man I've ever met.

You should see him eat a piece of fruit,

tearing it apart like an animal,

juice dribbling down his chin,

wiping it with his sleeve.

I'll tell you, he
reminds me a lot of Daddy.

Sweetheart, don't go by the sex.

Don't go by the looks.

I made that mistake with your father.

The man that I let my daughter marry

has to live up to my standards, darling.

Bonjour, chérie.

My son!

Philippe, Ma. Ma, don't scare him.

What? Like I don't know
how to talk to a person

from a foreign country?

Hello. I'm Sylvia Fine.

Thank you for your lovely statue.

We put it in the harbor

so everyone could see it.

That's good, Ma.

Now, it's time to take your el dopa.

Hello, Sylvia, how are you?

Not kicking myself like someone
else in this room must be.

Phil, now that we're mishpocheh,

family, we have so much to talk about.

Morty and I will pay
for the entire wedding.

Your side will just pay for the food.

But don't worry, the
Fines are not big eaters.

Congratulations, Philippe.

Merci, Maxwell.

Snail eater.

Your queen looks like a man.

Are you two at it again?

This is getting ridiculous.

He got you last.

Chérie, we must get ready

for the interview for our Green Card.

Um...

Philippe, uh, could you
perhaps clear this up for me?

If you marry Miss Fine, you get to
stay in this country. Is that right?

You insult me, sir.

I wanted to take her to France

to live in my brother's château,

but she insisted on remaining here

to take care of your children.

That's right.

The château part was conveniently
left out of the conversation,

but that's right.

Now, about Christmas time,

does your brother like mishpocheh around?

Bear with me.

The INS has to determine

that yours will not simply
be a marriage of convenience.

Well, I'll tell you, it was
pretty convenient for me,

'cause if I hadn't met someone
soon, I was gonna hang myself.

So exactly how long
did you go out with Fran

before you proposed?

All I remember is getting lost in her eyes,

then she spoke with a cute little accent,

and I was hers,

body and soul.

Thank God love is not
only blind, it's deaf, too.

When was she born?

Well, I know she's .

That's a rough conversion from
the metric system. Move on.

What is her favorite food?

Well, we dine on love.

But I never get enough.

I'm always hungry for more.

Oh, can we wrap this up?

I think he's ready for dessert.

Is Miss Fine the only American woman

you would consider dating...

considered dating?

Absolument.

The moment our two souls met,
it was an expl*si*n of love.

Have you ever heard such utter rot?

"Our two souls met in
an expl*si*n of love."

- Couldn't you just retch?
- Quite right, sir.

Too flowery,

not nearly as seductive as...

"Miss Fine!"

No more, please. I am spent.

(SIGHING)

Hello, Caca.

What?

Is that not what C.C. stands for?

This is what the butler told me.

You know, Philippe, you have made
me the happiest woman on Earth.

And how have I done that, mon coeur?

By taking Nanny Fine off my hands...

arms... shoulders?

Your skin is like white chocolate, chérie.

Aren't you engaged to Nanny Fine?

Oui.

And you think I would condone
this type of scandal with me?

Oui.

Monsieur, I am deeply offended.

Stop it.

(SPEAKS FRENCH) A tout à l'heure.

Did Caca do a no-no in the kitchen?

Now she's going to have to clean it up.

What do you mean?

Well, someone's got to tell Miss
Fine that she's marrying a cad.

I could never break her heart like that.

I can.

But I won't.

Destroy Nanny Fine's relationship

and be stuck with her forever?

You've been inhaling a little
too much Easy-Off, Beulah.

Big mistake.

If you told, it would make you

so attractive to Mr. Sheffield.

How?

Well, a handsome man came onto you.

Remember, boys never want a toy

until another boy wants to play with it.

Listening.

Besides, Philippe is a philanderer.

The marriage will never last.

When Miss Fine is devastated,

whose strong, British arms
will be there to comfort and...

Maxwell!

What shall we put the bridesmaids in?

Fuchsia or lime green?

No woman looks good in lime green.

Lime green it is.

Je t'adore.

Okay.

The man is obsessed with shutting the door.

- Miss Fine, I have something to tell you.
- Oh?

Your French fiance
Philippe's a philanderer.

Try saying that five times fast.

Miss Fine, I'm serious.
He made a pass at C.C.

That's right. He kissed me.

Another man wanted me, C.C.
Babcock, for his love toy.

How dare you make something up
like that just to tear us apart?

- I have never...
- It is true.

I cannot resist such beautiful woman.

I was appalled.

Tell her how you said my skin
looked like white chocolate.

Oh, my God, you called
me your Reese's piece.

What kind of a man
would do this to a woman?

A Frenchman.

Chérie, I love all women,

but I marry you.

Well, fine,

I love all men.

So when we're married, I guess it
won't bother you when I do this.

Kissing an English man is
like kissing your mother.

Oh, really? Then, what about this?

This is no good.

You made your point.

Fran, you do not understand.

In France, men are like bees.

We must pollinate all
the flowers in the garden.

Well, I'll tell you something.

I don't think you should be so free

and easy with your stinger there,

because in this country,

we have what's known as the Bobbitt bee.

But, chérie, je t'adore.

My pleasure.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, Miss Fine, there, there.

Hey, what do you say I take
you out for a nice supper?

Oh, no. I couldn't eat anything.

Maybe a small lobster

and a twice-baked potato.

Why do I listen to you?

I just drove her straight into his arms.

Well, there's no such
thing as a perfect plan.

Cheers, Caca.