02x02 - Pat Connects with Her Fans

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God, that was so good.

She's my favorite talk
show host of all time.

Ooh, I just love Rachael Ray.

- _
- Wasn't that so exciting?

And we got to see today's
episode before anyone else.

Yeah, we are the lucky
few that got a sneak peek

of Rachael Ray and Debi
Mazar making beef fajitas.

Now, can we please take a nap?

How have we been up for six hours

and it's somehow still morning?

Brooke, she gets to
come here once a year.

This is what she wanted to do.

Oh, honey, can you take a picture of me

underneath the "Rachael Ray" sign?

The piece of paper that says
"Rachael Ray Loading Dock"?

- Yeah, sure.
- [camera shutter clicks]

Oh, thanks, I'm gonna send
it to Lisa from next door.

She's watching Chase while I'm here.

- Why? Where's Dad?
- Home.

Chase just had a couple of
things he needed to be driven to,

and I'm not making that mistake again.

Then why didn't Dad
just come to New York?

- He never comes anymore.
- Oh, you know him.

He just thinks the city's too busy.

[clears throat]

There she is!

[crowd yelling]

Rachael!

Ooh, dang! She must
have somewhere to go.

- I really wanted to give her a hug.
- No, f*ck that.

She can't stop and
say hello to her fans?

What a bitch. I'm so
sorry. I'm so tired.

Well, now we have all day
to do whatever you want, Mom.

Anything in the city. You name it.

Hmm.

Now, Rachael, these are
my famous beef fajitas.

Remember when we saw that?

♪ I-I-I'm a winner ♪

Now, Pat, these are
my famous beef fajitas.

Ooh, they look even better up close.

Can you guys smell it?

- Smells good, right?
- Hey. Here.

- Oh, my God. Thank you.
- Yeah.

My feet are k*lling me.

All these manager costumes I
bought are so uncomfortable.

You mean clothes?

Did you know that managers
do actual work, Cary?

No. I-I truthfully did not.

Mom's day is so packed,
I have to sneak in

on every commercial break
just to get everything done.

And I really wanna
do a good job for her.

- Why can't Streeter help?
- He's on Chase duty.

Oh, we figured out his next move.

He's gonna release a
huge new video at midnight

that Shuli says is gonna launch him

into the next phase of his career.

I thought he couldn't sing.

[applause]

Now, this next segment
is one of my favorites.

As you all know, last month,
we had on Bobby Bryant,

a -year-old gay boy from Iowa

who posted a video of himself

coming out to his conservative dad.

And his dad was so supportive,
and the video was so heartwarming,

we just had to fly them out to New York

and surprise them with a check

for $ , courtesy of Shutterfly.

Yay! Because Shutterfly knows

there's nothing wrong with being gay.

Well, that segment was such a hit,

Shutterfly said, "We
should do this every week."

And since we started giving out checks,

we've now had hundreds,
even thousands of submissions

from young men of all ages
coming out to their dads.

Which brings me to our next guest,

a young man from Kansas who
finally felt brave enough

to come out to his dad at .

And they're backstage now.

[applause]

Oh, my God, this is so funny.

No, it's not. Some people come out late.

- I think it's sweet.
- Yeah.

It's very brave for this boy to
finally come out to his daddy.

But before I bring them out,

let's watch the video
that got them here.

Dad... I have something to tell you.

I'm gay.

That's gross.

- But I still love you, son.
- [sighs]

- Audience: Aww!
- Now, please welcome Eddie

and his wonderful,
supportive father, Troy.

♪ Come to life ♪

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Come to life ♪

Now, Troy, I know how hard

that phone call must have been for you.

It was, because gay
stuff is very scary to me.

And that's not the life
that I wanted for my son.

But he is my son, so... I'll deal.

- Audience: Aww!
- That is so beautiful.

Now, as a special surprise,

we have a check for $ ,
courtesy of Shutterfly.

What? I forgot about this part.

My God, I am so proud of these two.

I know. This is nice.

And, Eddie, you're gonna be just fine.

My son Cary is gay,

but he has a boyfriend
and they are in love.

- Audience: Ooh!
- [chuckles]

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
- No, it's okay. We actually... we did say it.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Whoa. That's great.

All right, gotta go. I'm
meeting Jess for brunch.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- See you.

And you can learn more about
how much Shutterfly loves you

by going to their website

and scrolling way down to the bottom.

Eddie and Troy!

♪ Come to life ♪

[cheers and applause]

- [bell rings]
- Okay, that's commercial.

Back in .

Aw, Brookie, look at your
big fancy manager costume.

Mom, they're called clothes.

And I need you to respect me
for the professional I now am.

Okay, so we have a lot to get through.

- Like what?
- The show's gonna start

posting what you make
for dinner on social

so the fans feel like
they know the real you.

So on Friday night, you're
making chicken paillard

- for the whole family.
- Oh, that'll be fun.

Oh, you're not actually doing that.

You're having dinner
with the team from Crest.

- So just hold this...
- Oh.

- And smile.
- Okay, back in !

- Thanks, Mom.
- Okay. Bye.

Psst.

Yeah, hi. You know Pat?

Oh, yeah, I'm her manager...

and also ChaseDreams'...

and maybe someday, Alessia Cara's.

Oh, my God, I love Pat.

[gasps] Do you think
maybe I could meet her?

Sorry, no. She's really
busy. It's a two-show day.

But she loves you, and
she's just like you.

Okay, we're back in five, four, three...

Yeah, and the kid just
came out six days ago.

- Really?
- He looked so scared.

I felt so bad for him.

Oh, my God, that's them.

sh*t.

No wonder he's scared. That's his dad?

I know. He reminds me of my dad so much.

He looks just like him.

What do you think they're talking about?

I feel so bad we did that.

Did what, take money from Shutterfly?

- Who gives a sh*t? Dave and Ethan did it.
- Okay.

Besides, our deck is
not gonna fix itself,

and we want the kids to play
on it this summer, right?

Wait, speaking of, is Rosa
feeding them nothing but candy?

- In every picture is a candy, candy.
- No kid talk. It's our anniversary.

Jesus, can you believe
it has been six years?

- Yeah.
- I am getting so old.

- [laughs]
- Do you think we should go say hi?

He probably feels so alone.

And it might be cool for him
to see a real, live gay couple.

Speaking of, happy one month.

Oh, yeah, a month.

I just... I want him to know

that he can have what we have someday.

Are we doing Grindr tonight

- or tomorrow?
- No, we have to do tonight

'cause our flight is too early Monday,

and I have to go
straight to the hospital,

and, like, I don't
wanna be dead all day.

I didn't know you were on Mondays.

It's just while Marissa's on maternity.

- Oh, right.
- sh*t. Did we pack Molly?

Yeah, but I don't wanna do
it if we're gonna hook up.

Last time, I couldn't get hard.

Or if we do do it, I need to bottom.

I wanna bottom too.

- Just find a top?
- Let's get a top.

Ugh, I love you.

Oh, my God, this is so sad.
They're just on their phones.

We should go over. For the dad
too. I mean, he's from Kansas.

He's probably never
even met a gay person.

We can show him that we're not scary.

That is a great idea. Let's do that.

Okay, I ran into my next guest

at a Duane Reade and asked
her to come on the show

because I am such a huge fan.

Please welcome, from
"The Big Bang Theory,"

Mayim Bialik.

[cheers and applause]

I-I'm sorry,

I'm just realizing what you...

I'm not Mayim Bialik.

- What's that?
- Yeah, I'm not Mayim Bialik.

I'm Stephanie. I work at Duane Reade.

Wait, what do you mean?
You look exactly like her.

Come on, everybody, isn't this
Mayim Bialik from "The Big Bang"?

[applause]

You know, me and Pat have
the same birthday... almost.

Hers is July th,

and mine is August rd.

Wow, yeah, that's in the same season.

Now, Stephanie, we do still have a clip

of "The Big Bang Theory" cued up.

Would it be okay if we still watch it?

- Sure.
- Oh, good.

Psst, does Pat ever film
her show on location,

like how "Wheel of Fortune"
is in Hawaii sometimes?

I don't know. Maybe?
Let's just keep watching.

If she ever comes to Garfield,
I have a spare bedroom.

I don't know if the show puts her up,

but if not, she can stay with me.

I'm only minutes
from the lake, and I know

Pat said on one of her
shows she likes to swim.

So if she comes, make
sure she brings a suit.

Or my sister is living
with me right now,

so she probably has
something that Pat can wear.

But then if she wants to swim...

- Kathy?
- Yeah.

If and when Pat comes to Garfield,

she stays at your house,

and you all decide to go swimming,

I'll make sure she brings her suit.

- Great.
- Do you know who Mayim Bialik is?

- Yes.
- She's so cute on that show.

How about right side, third down?

Yeah, he's good.

Okay, he says he's down, but
he wants to see our holes.

- I don't have yours on my phone.
- Yes, you do.

Oh, wait, yes, I do.

Should we just have him meet us here

so we can make sure he's not weird?

Sure, why not?

Both: Hi.

Sorry to interrupt,
but I saw you on "Pat!"

Cha-ching, right?

- I'm Pat's son.
- Oh, I mean...

we are so grateful for the money,

but honestly, I just...
I knew it was time

to come out to my daddy.

And yeah, I'm trying to come around,

but two guys in bed, it's
still just so weird to me.

Well, that's why we came over,

to show you that being gay isn't weird.

I mean, we are pretty much
a normal straight couple

who just happen to be gay.

- Ew.
- You mind if we sit down?

- [cell phone buzzes] _
- Oh. Um...

[dramatic music]

- [bell tolling]

[knock at door]

- Hi, Mom. You got a second?
- Mm.

Okay, so we're starting
a book club for you.

That way, you and your fans
can all read the same book

and they can feel more connected to you.

Oh, that's fine. I love to read.

Oh, no, Melanie's gonna
be reading it for you.

We just need you to pick the book

that she as you will read.

- So these are different books?
- Yes.

"Of Magic & Marmalade" is about a woman

who goes to Paris and
stumbles on a mystery.

And "Eleanor Buttercup" is
about a woman who goes to Paris

and reads "Of Magic & Marmalade."

- Oh.
- [gasps] Pat!

- Look how close you are to me.
- What are you still doing here?

Oh, I just... I just wanted to give Pat

some of my world-famous banana bread.

It might be a tad undercooked

'cause I was rushing
to get to the airport.

I live way out in Garfield,

so I had to pull it out
of the oven early, but...

[liquid sloshing] Yeah,
it should still be good.

Sorry, Pat can't accept
food or beverages from fans,

and this sounds like it's both?

But please feel free to
connect with her on social.

- On Friday, she's having chicken paillard.
- [gasps] Then so am I!

Great.

And just so you know, sir,

the gay community's not just about sex.

It's not all blindfolds and butt plugs.

So you've never used a butt plug?

No, and a lot of nights
now, we don't even...

we don't even have sex. We just
kind of cuddle and watch TV.

How long have you been together?

- days.
- Yeah.

days tomorrow.

Oh, sh*t. I need to...

I gotta... I'll be... I gotta pee.

Okay, so now that he's gone,
if you do have any questions

about sex or dating,
you can ask us anything.

[clears throat] I guess...

what is it like to kiss a boy?

Okay, well, first of all,

they don't tell you about the stubble.

[laughter]

- Hey.
- Do you have a charger at the hotel?

Um, sure. First I need a favor.

I need you to come inside,
and no matter what people ask,

I need you to say that you're
my son, you're straight,

and you're from Kansas.

I'll give you $ , . Deal?

- Okay, Daddy.
- All right.

And trust me, lube is
gonna be your best friend.

- Yes.
- Hey, guys. This is Devin.

Hi. I'm his son, I'm straight,

and I'm from Kansas.

Oh. Hey.

Were you at the show this morning too?

I'm his son, I'm straight,
and I'm from Kansas.

Yeah. Yeah, cool.

What's Kansas like? Do you
have a girlfriend there?

Yeah.

She has long hair and red nails.

We should probably all
head back to the hotel.

It's getting late,
and I still don't like

to be out in New York for very long.

It's very scary and gay to me.

No. No, no, no, no, no. No.

You're only here for the weekend.

Let us show you around.

Yeah, New York, is not scary.

I know a place we can go. It is
gay, but I think you'll like it.

Don't worry, it's still
just regular ice cream.

Gonna need another $ , for this.

And also, "US Weekly"

wants you to do " Things
You Don't Know About Me."

I came up with , but
we still need more.

Hmm. Ooh, here's something
people don't know.

I went to the prom with Art Patterson.

- Who's that?
- The boy I went to the prom with.

- Oh.
- Thank you.

- Okay, sure.
- Oh, and also, my favorite channel is .

- All right, great.
- Oh, and one time, I got to see an episode

of "The Rachael Ray Show" in person.

Oh, my God, yeah, I forgot
that we did that. Blegh.

You did? How could you forget?

She was so close to us.

That was one of the
best days of my life.

That was one of the
best days of your life?

Yes, it really was.

Hey, Pat, the audience is loading in.

Okay, great. Thank you. [sighs]
I'm so excited about the next show.

We have Mandy Moore on.
I met her at the bank.

Okay, so no, you didn't
and no, you don't.

Here you go.

See, isn't this so much better than
just going back to your hotel room?

- Yeah.
- Yup.

- Yeah.
- God, I hope people don't see me here.

I used to feel the same way.

But trust me, it gets easier.

Okay, so now we wanna take you
guys somewhere a little cooler.

It's in Chelsea, and it
does get pretty packed,

but it's open all night.

- You guys wanna go?
- All: Yes.

That sounds so much bett...

So this is called the High Line.

God damn it.

I'm glad we're doing this.

I think it's good for them
to see a couple like us.

Should we just tell them the truth?

It might be good for them
to see a couple like us.

No, Troy. We need that deck money.

Maybe we should kiss.

Just, like, a little
one in front of them.

It made 'em uncomfortable, but...

that's okay, that's okay.

God, this is so uncomfortable.

Okay, I know this is bad,

and I'm not really suggesting it,

but should we just hold
them down and f*ck them?

But I know that's as*ault,

but I feel like a jury
would maybe understand.

Hey, we thought of another fun place

we could take you guys;
it's this underground spot

in the Village where you
can get totally stuffed.

- Finally.
- Wait.

Do you mean Magnolia Bakery?

- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, I need to go
to a f*cking gay bar now.

Whoa, that's a little...

I mean, gay bars can be fun,

but I don't think your dad
and brother would wanna...

- I think I can handle it.
- I'm ready to see one.

Oh, okay. Well, I know
exactly where we can go.

So you're not on "This Is Us"?

- [cell phone buzzes]
- Mm-mm.

Well, do you watch "This Is Us"?
You're like her identical twin.

Hey, I need a good gay bar quick.

- I'm on th and th.
- The Eagle.

- Wait, no. th and th.
- Rebar.

All right, thanks. I gotta go.

Okay.

Oh, hey, hi.

Would you take a picture of me?

And make sure that you get
the sign in the background.

Do you think that Pat
wrote this herself?

- I think she did.
- [camera shutter clicks]

- Got it?
- [camera shutter clicks]

Oh, my God, this is so good.

I love this. Are you a professional?

[laughs]

[dramatic music]

[bell tolling]

♪ ♪

- So give yourself a...
- All: Pat on the back.

- [applause]
- And we're out.

- [bell rings]
- Mom, can I ask you a favor?

- Yeah. What?
- I've been having you do

all this dumb fan stuff all day,

and I totally missed the real fan thing

you should have been doing.

- It'll just take a second.
- Oh, sure.

[camera shutter clicking]

Hi, Kathy. I want you
to meet my mom, Pat.

Pat, this is your biggest fan, Kathy.

Hi, Kathy. It's so nice to meet you.

Oh, my God! Pat! It's you.

I am just like you, you have no idea.

I don't know if she told you,

but we basically have the same birthday.

Yours is July th,
and mine is August rd.

Oh, my gosh, we're twins.

And also, my sister is
going through the same thing

that your husband went
through with the drinking.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry to hear that.

Yeah. It's been really hard.

She just... she lost
her job because of it.

And so now she's living with me,

and I'm trying to help her, but...

- Mm-hmm.
- It's a lot.

And anyway, it's just hard right now.

But you are always...

you're always a bright spot in my day.

I know exactly what
you're going through, okay?

The days can feel so long and so tough,

but you gotta hang in there, okay?

I can. Could I give you a hug?

- Of course you can.
- Thank you.

Aw, come here.

You know, I went to
"Rachael Ray" last year,

and she doesn't hug anyone;
she just runs to the car.

Well, that's because
Rachael Ray is a bitch.

But not my mom. She connects
with her fans face-to-face.

- That is great.
- Aww.

[laughs]

Oh, my God, it's Pat!
You're out here with us?

Yeah, 'cause she meets
her fans face-to-face.

Start a line behind me.

Oh, no.

♪ Jump on the floor,
jump, jump on the floor ♪

♪ Jump on the floor,
jump, jump on the floor ♪

♪ Jump on the floor,
jump, jump on the floor ♪

So is this your first time in New York?

I'm his son, I'm straight,
and I'm from Kansas.

Right, I got that.

What do you do for fun?

I like to wear cologne...

and drink beer.

What kind of music do you like?

Britney... I mean...
[clears throat] Green Day.

I only said Britney first
'cause she's a sexy woman

and women are so hot to me.

Right, and what did you say

your girlfriend's name was again?

♪ Jump, jump on the floor ♪

♪ Jump on the floor ♪

Laurie.

I'm gonna get another drink.

Oh, my God, it's so
obvious what's going on.

I know. He's not a
straight son from Kansas.

He's a gay son from Kansas.

- Thank you. Bye.
- Thanks.

- Pat, hi.
- Hi.

- Can I give you a hug?
- Sure.

I almost didn't make it to the show

because I've got the flu so bad,

but I said, "I am meeting Pat."

Aww, that's so nice.

Hey, I can cut this off if you want.

No, it's fine. I can't stop now.

I don't wanna disappoint my fans.

- Okay.
- Pat! We know the same person.

- We do?
- Uh-huh, Karen Cortopassi.

I grew up on the same street with her,

and then she went to
the same college as you.

You remember her? She was blonde.

I do. I remember.

- You do?
- I think, yeah.

Karen, she remembers you.

- Pat, it's Karen.
- Hi, Karen, this is Pat.

- [laughs]
- Oh, thank you.

[tense music]

It's been a long time.

Rachael Ray's not a
bitch. She's a genius.

I can't believe I didn't see it earlier.

Britney Spears is
hot? Green Day is good?

He talks exactly how
I did in high school.

God, yeah, he's so closeted.
He might never come out.

Or wait.

I think he is right now?

Damn, look at him go.

Wait. No, no, no, no.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

sh*t.

- Listen...
- It's okay.

He's still your son.

- What?
- I know this must be a lot for you.

You just found out
your first son was gay,

and now your other son is gay too?

But he's still the same person.

Wow. Okay.

Yes, I now have two gay sons...

is what's happening.

And... it's really hard to learn,

but I hope I can accept them.

Because they are both
gay and they are my sons.

You know, you two,

you've really taught me
to be more tolerant today.

So thank you.

If it's okay, I think
what I'd like to do now

is spend some time alone
dancing with my two gay sons.

Oh, sure. Absolutely.

I'll go close out.

Hey, I just wanna say,

your sons are very lucky
to have a dad like you.

My dad would have never
come to a place like this.

Yeah, when I came out,
he actually stopped

even coming to New York.

I think he just had all
these ideas in his head

of what it was I was doing here now.

And even though if he would have come,

he would have seen that
I'm still just... normal.

I'm sure he'll come around in time.

No, he's... he d*ed, so...

Well, I just spent
the whole day with you,

and you seem... very normal to me.

Thank you.

[dance music playing]

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

♪ Into another, into another ♪

♪ Never meant to be ♪

♪ They feel it now ♪

♪ I hear them shout ♪

♪ Dream on ♪

♪ Never mind that fear of flying ♪

♪ You belong ♪

♪ ♪

Aww, thank you so much.
Have a great night. Bye.

Oh, my God. Mom, I'm so sorry.

I was... I was just trying
to do a nice thing and...

Oh, no, no, it's okay,
honey. Don't apologize.

Yes, it was a little tiring,

but I got to meet so many
nice women and one man,

and I got to make all their days.

So can't complain.

That was a good idea. Thanks, Brookie.

Oh. Okay. Great.

Well, I've got this car waiting for you.

- Oh, yeah.
- So just try to get some sleep

before tomorrow's show.

All right. I love you, Mom.

I love you. Mwah!

- Okay. Bye.
- Mwah!

♪ ♪

♪ Dream on ♪

♪ Never mind that fear of flying ♪

♪ You belong ♪

♪ ♪

[tires screech]

Morning, Pat, they're
ready for you in makeup.

Oh, okay.

- God, I'm so tired.
- I know.

We should go back to that club sometime.

- It was pretty fun.
- [laughs]

- Are you joking?
- Oh, yeah, no.

Yeah, of course, yeah.

Wanna watch Chase's new video with me?

Oh, God, it's past midnight.

Yeah.

Holy sh*t, it's already
got million views.

And why is it only seconds long?

[dramatic music]

[bell tolling]

♪ ♪

I have blond hair now.

- [chuckles]
- That was it?

Brooke said this is gonna launch him

into the next phase of his career.

But who's even gonna care about that?

This week in gay news, put your paws up,

because we stan a new kwern.

We thought ChaseDreams was
giving us a new song last night,

but he gave us something even better,

a lewwwk.

♪ Dream on ♪

♪ Never mind that fear of flying ♪

♪ You belong ♪

♪ Keep on moving to the music ♪

♪ Dream on ♪

♪ Yeah, the dark red sun is rising ♪

♪ On and on ♪

♪ So dream on, dream on, dream on ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Do you hear my voice ♪

♪ It's calling out ♪

♪ We're calling out ♪

♪ So keen to discover ♪

♪ If the hands will join ♪

♪ And turn around ♪

♪ I hear them shout ♪

♪ Dream on ♪

♪ Never mind that fear of flying ♪

♪ You belong ♪

♪ Keep on moving to the music ♪

♪ Dream on ♪

♪ Yeah, the dark red sun is rising ♪

♪ On and on ♪

♪ So dream on, dream on, dream on ♪