02x10 - Nouveau Théâtre Des Vampires

[bunniefuu]

(COFFIN RATTLING)

NANDOR: Guillermo!

The coffin is stuck again!

Guillermo?

The lid is very heavy.

Are you sitting on it?

A vampire's familiar can be important.

Can be a very big help.

It feels like you are
sitting on it, Guillermo!

Guillermo is not always helpful.

He can be inconsistent and human.

Guillermo?

Are you hiding from me?

Ha!

And surprisingly sneaky.

Guillermo?

I am about to disembark from my coffin.

There's no one to hold my hand.

He likes to test my patience sometimes.

He's like a kid.

I got out of my coffin all by myself.

He's Guillermo.

Guillermo?

Guillermo, have you
taken another day off?

Knew I shouldn't have
given him any days off.

Shh. There's a vampire
approaching your room.

Ha!

_

He's gone.

("YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING)

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪ ♪

NADJA: So, Guillermo has been gone

for a few days now, and as I predicted,

we are doing absolutely fine.

It's just so nice to have
the place to ourselves.

Nandor, did you forget to blow out

the candles before you went to bed?

NANDOR: Those candles are in the hallway

and not in my room, so, no,
I did not blow them out!

Now the wall is all wet!

Nadja!

I'm not drying that wall!

So, as I was saying,

it is just so nice to have
the house to ourselves.

You know, having a human
familiar is great,

but to rely on one, I mean...

Even if they don't quit, how
long will a human familiar live?

Hundred, years?

I mean, how old are you, nine... ?

- .
- ?

Do you have long left, do you think?

Laszlo!

Hello, my darling!

Who's this?

Victim, begone.

Wait, you're not gonna drink
all of my blood till I die?

Not tonight, Josephine.

It's too messy.

Easier if you just walk out.

Bloody cheek...

(GROANS)

Who is leaving all these
bodies everywhere?!

- LASZLO: You did that.
- COLIN: Hey, hey.

(YELPS) What in the Sam Hill?!

Careful!

Jeepers creepers, you guys need

to clean up all these human juices.

They'll dry on their own.

Ah, crud, how am I supposed

to go to work looking like this?

Can't you just change into
another of your beige suits?

Yeah, I'll just say I got in
a bus accident or something.

Damn it!

(CHITTERING)

Is anyone else a little chilly?

Yeah, I'm as cold as a witch's tit,

because you let the fire burn down.

- NANDOR: What are you wearing?
- What are you wearing?

NADJA: Guillermo used to take
our clothes out once a week

and bring them back clean,
and he's not here, so...

Yeah, but where did he take them?

- The river?
- Oh, yes, that is a very good point.

We should contact the
village washerwoman.

Someone contact the village washerwoman!

I'm not doing that!

I drove him away, didn't I?

Perhaps I should've been a
bit more aloof with him.

What are you f*cking talking about?

He's just a familiar.

You're right.

f*ck that guy for making me think

I need to act more aloof!

We're doing just great without him.

Everything is normal and fun.

NADJA: You know, I did sense

he was getting more and
more sad recently.

I could smell it on him.
It comes from the groin.

- Ah.
- Colin Robinson,

take out your cellular
telephone and take a picture

of me having fun and then
send it to Guillermo,

so that he knows how
much I do not miss him.

Aah! Aah...

I don't even have his
phone number, so...

Well, look it up.

Uh, what's his last name?

Uh...

Greenberg?

Mm, Guillermo B... Buillermo?

Yeah, but you assume
that's his first name.

Could be his last name.

He could be called Mickey Guillermo.

NANDOR: Just look up "Guillermo."

I'll do this just to show you

how dumb you are.

Yes, there are over , Guillermos

in the New York metropolitan area,

including Mickey Guillermos,
of which there are four.

Can we maybe narrow
it down a little bit?

Yes, yes, of course we can.

What else do we know about him

besides his first name being Guillermo?

- (DOORBELL RINGING)
- Door's ringing, Laszlo.

(IMITATING COLIN): Well, you
better go and answer it.

Y-You better go and answer it.

You got to go and answer
the darn-tootin' door.

- Stop doing that!
- LASZLO: Stop doing what?

(HIGH-PITCHED): Come on,
just go get the door.

I'm not your Mr. Belvedere now.

I'll do it then.

I wanted to do it.

(GRUNTING)

Assistance, please?

NADJA: Ooh, it has a hex on it.

Gizmo's probably cursed it.

Pull!

- "Pull"?
- Yeah.

- Aha!
- Oh.

- Here you go.
- Begone.

Come back. You will forget
everything you have seen.

Most importantly, the way
we are both dressed.

To the fancy room again.

- NADJA: Well, who is it from?
- LASZLO: Get it open.

NADJA: Well?

It is from the Nouveau
Théâtre des Vampires.

(LAUGHTER)

And we have all been invited!

(ALL CHEERING, CLAMORING)

- LASZLO: Yes!
- NADJA: Yeah.

NADJA: The Nouveau
Théâtre des Vampires is

- a very, very big deal.
- They travel from Europe

to the United States
once every five years.

NADJA: And only the crème de la crème
de la creams of vampire society

is invited.

This is the first year
we have made the cut.

Everyone who has seen it says

it is magnificent.

It is an all-vampire cast

and it is just the most beautiful,

eerie, poignant, important,

important work.

And I've heard there's a lot of nudity.

And I mean a lot, and when I say a lot,

I don't just mean a whiff of
tit, I mean the full rack.

Full boobies, full boners.

The full display.

We're going to have so much fun.

COLIN: I am

so G-damn excited to be going
to the vampire theater.

There's some genitalia on show
there that would make a human

go, "What is that exactly?"

So we shall be honored to attend.

- Mm-hmm.
- Wait.

What are we thinking? We
don't have any clothes!

They are all soiled. We
cannot go dressed like this.

She's right. We can't
go dressed like this.

We'll be laughed out of the place.

They're not going to let us in now.

- g*dd*mn it!
- Damn!

(GRUNTING)

Wait, stop, guys, stop.

- (QUIETLY): Am I really gonna do this?
- Do what?

Listen.

There is a way to get your clothes back.

Don't ask me how. You
don't want to know.

There's a good chance that I'm...

not even gonna make it back alive.

(GASPS)

You mean you might be
k*lled, Colin Robinson?

We don't want you to hurt yourself.

Me neither, damn it.

But if I do this kindness for you,

can I ask for one in return?

Anything. What is it?

I'd really like to move out
of my room in the basement.

If you retrieve our clothes,
you can move into my room.

Oh, no, no, no. I don't want your room.

I-I just want to move into that
other room in the basement.

- Hmm?
- Sounds fair.

Really?

LASZLO: Go ahead. Do that now.

I guess we're going to the Théâtre!

(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)

So, basically I needed to go
to the dry cleaners anyway.

I just didn't want to make
it sound too easy for them,

'cause you go once or twice and then,

all of a sudden you're the go-to

dry cleaning fetcher.

Colin Robinson wins again.

- Yeah, so I had to...
- (CLATTERING)

- (MUTTERS)
- I had to get out of there, so...

- ¿Mamá? Mamá.
- (SPEAKING SPANISH)

Mamá!

- Ah, tu película.
- Sí.

Okay. (SPEAKING SPANISH)

Our fridge broke today, so...

But, yeah, I had to get out of there.

Never mind that I'm prone to being

a vampire slayer. (CHUCKLES)

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

I'm, like, k*lling vampires,

k*lling, k*lling, k*lling, k*lling,

but also wanting to be a vampire?

I just had to think about that and also

manage my everyday duties,
which were falling

at the wayside because I wasn't focused.

This is it. This is my life now.

You know? And I'm happy with that.

I'm content.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH)

Okay.

She's happy that I'm home.

It's good to be wanted.

And I do miss them. I miss them a lot.

- I'll be right back.
- (SPEAKING SPANISH)

Okay, y-yo tengo un mini-fridge.

Or I had a mini-fridge. Well, actually,

it's my friend Topher's, but,
you know, he's dead now.

Ay, pobrecito.

No, sorry, no.

He was dead. I-I'll go get it.

(BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH)

Staten Island.

(WHISPERS): Secret entrance. Very cool.

So glad you could join us.

- I don't like our seats.
- You haven't seen them.

- I don't like seats.
- NANDOR: Get in there.

- And here are your media passes.
- CAMERAMAN: Thanks.

Make sure you keep them
on you at all times.

LASZLO: We've waited years
for an invite to this, you know?

We should have been to many more, but...

- USHER: Well, here you are now.
- Here we are now.

- USHER: Right this way, sir.
- Ah...

Thank you very much. Good evening.

- Good evening.
- Ooh, very nice seats.

I should damn well think so.

"I guess I must be in the front row."

No, you're sitting here with us.

No, it's Bob Uecker, from
a commercial in the ' s.

He was the Milwaukee
Brewers announcer...

A wonderful anecdote.

GUILLERMO: We should be in and out,

so it's not gonna be weird.

(DOOR CREAKING)

Hello?

If it gets uncomfortable,
I'll just give you a signal.

I'll just do eyes like that.

Hello? Whoa! Ow...

- (GRUNTING)
- (FLIES BUZZING)

(SHOUTS, GAGS)

Nadja? Laszlo?

Mas... Nandor?

Colin Robinson?

- Where is everyone?
- NADJA'S VOICE: Hello.

(SCREAMS) You scared me.

You scare easy.

- They knew you'd be back.
- Where is everyone?

- They went out.
- Out? Wow.

- Where did they go? (CHUCKLES)
- To the Théâtre.

They're having a great life without you.

The invitation is over there
if you don't believe me.

Very exclusive event.

GUILLERMO: "You're cordially invited to
the Nouveau Théâtre des Vampires..."

That's French. (CHUCKLES)

It's like a theater. Do you see that?

There's a guy hanging. It's
pretty clever, it's...

Geez, the work on this is so...

Is that...? Does that look like a...?

It's the Vampiric Council.

TILDA: Dark greetings of the night.

- (ALL HISSING)
- (CRIES)

Only an idiot would go
to something like this.

This is clearly a trap. (CHUCKLES)

They... Did they go to this?

- Uh, yeah.
- Oh, God.

(CHUCKLES) They're all gonna die.

I'm gonna go. It's started
already, so I'm gonna go, okay?

Good luck. I do not
think you will succeed.

I'm gonna go. Shut up.

Is that Mikhail the Awful?

- NADJA (GASPS): Yes, that is.
- LASZLO: Hmm?

Good evening, Mikhail.

The man is a total prick.

He's nowhere near as funny
as he thinks he is.

Oh. (GASPS) That is Maricela,

- Mistress of the Night.
- LASZLO: Ha!

More like Maricela,

- Mistress of the Shitty Seats.
- (BOTH LAUGH)

A lot of heavy hitters
in the house tonight.

Even from the energy vampire world.

Todd Smith. Saw him naked once.

(GASPS) It's Pamela.

Pamela's here. It's Pamela.

Don't embarrass me.

(BAND PLAYING)

(PANTING)

CAMERAMAN: Whoa.

(GUILLERMO SHOUTS)

Hell yeah.

♪ ♪

(SCATTERED GASPS)

- (OOHING, APPLAUSE)
- I know how he did that.

Will you just let me enjoy it, please?

Good evening, citizens of the night.

Kings and queens,
princes and potentates,

ladies and gentlemen, vampires all.

NANDOR: Yes.

(AUDIENCE OOHING)

Nice shimmy. He's good, this guy.

Tonight our performance is different.

Tonight is something a
little bit special.

Oh.

We all know the reason that we are here.

- Well, most of us do.
- (LAUGHTER)

So, without any further ado,

please make welcome our guests of honor.

- Oh...
- Oh, thank you.

- Oh, that's us. Greetings.
- Us?

- Hi, everyone.
- Hey!

Easy there.

- No! Get off me!
- Good Lord.

This is silver rope.

- COLIN: Ow.
- LASZLO: Oh, sh*t.

I recognize that man. He was
at the Vampire Council.

- Yes.
- LASZLO: sh*t.

There is but one crime
to us vampires here.

It is the one crime that
means death to any vampire:

k*lling your own kind.

Oh, this shithead.

- We've never done that.
- We never did that.

- Boo. Boo.
- (AUDIENCE BOOING, HISSING)

Don't boo us.

(AUDIENCE JEERING)

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: With Baron Afanas,

'twas four against one.

- NANDOR: Is that supposed to be us?
- No idea.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES:
They opened the door

and let through the sun.

- (GASPING, SCREAMING)
- Very shocking.

- (ACTORS CACKLING)
- NADJA: This is absurd.

That never happened. We would
never prance around like tits.

- NANDOR: This is all sh*t!
- I would never high-five.

COLIN: I'll be honest
with you, my look-alike

is kind of giving me a chub.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Ludwig the guard,

just doing his job,
skewered through the heart,

a vampire kebab.

(AUDIENCE GASPING, SCREAMING)

Boo!

(WHISPERS): That wasn't
even their fault.

- Stay back!
- (SHOUTING, HISSING)

- WOMAN: Boo you!
- Shut up, Pamela.

NADJA: Did we do this?

NANDOR: We didn't do that.
Did you guys do that?

- LASZLO: None of us did that.
- COLIN: Well, don't look at me.

This seems like one of
those things that you guys

all did together and didn't include me.

NANDOR: What's this sh*t?

LASZLO: Hold on a second.
We were promised nudity.

Penis and full bush. This is a swiz.

NADJA: I am sorry, but when I dance,

the ocean parts.

She has absolutely no rhythm whatsoever.

This is your hot take?

That you have a problem
with the choreography?

Oh, okay. There I am.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES:
Assassins were sent

to bring them to justice.

They m*rder*d them all
by bringing the ruckus.

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Boo.

Very clunky rhyme.

COLIN: I think it's a Wu-Tang reference.

"Bring the Ruckus."

LASZLO: All I know is, I haven't had

- a whiff of Wu or Tang.
- Exactly.

Oh.

NANDOR: They're throwing his head around

like a beach ball.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: A vampire family

who loved one another.

You slaughtered them all.

(GRUNTS)

Word to the mother.

(ACTORS LAUGHING)

- (AUDIENCE OOHING)
- Then laughing about it.

I mean, I have... I'm clueless.

I have no idea.

We didn't do any of this sh*t!

Uh, I think they're going for some sort

- of Hamilton vibe?
- (SPOTLIGHT CLICKS)

(GASPING, APPLAUSE)

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: You're too kind.
We can all do it.

We're vampires.

You m*rder*d Baron Afanas

and were sentenced to death
by the Vampiric Council.

- Mm.
- You escaped, witnesses say,

with the help of a Dilbert-looking guy.

- What is that?
- (GASPS)

Hey, dudes.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: We don't
know how, but we don't like it.

Tonight, he will join us
for the grand finale.

(DRUMROLL)

- LASZLO: f*ck me!
- (GASPING, APPLAUSE)

(GRUNTS)

MASTER OF CEREMONIES: And
that's a reminder to all of us.

- Don't m*rder vampires.
- NADJA: We didn't!

Don't do it. All right, bring them

- to the stage.
- NADJA: What?

- (AUDIENCE BOOING)
- No. Get your... don't touch me.

- NANDOR: Hey! Get...
- Help!

LASZLO: Who the hell
do you think you are?

Heck you looking at, Pamela?

MASTER OF CEREMONIES:
Glad you're filming this.

And while we wait for
the guillotine thing

to be set up again,

we just have a short in memoriam video,

remembering those vampires
we've lost over the year.

NANDOR (DISTANT): You're hurting me!

(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, I didn't know he was gone.

I can get to my wallet.
It's in my big pocket.

- No one misses him.
- If you unlock me,

then I can get it.

Met her once.

He d*ed because he got
confused on daylight savings.

- Such a long video.
- (APPLAUSE)

A reminder to us all, life is short.

Ouch! My wrists! Very tight.

This is not fair. We
didn't k*ll any vampires.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Did we?!

- No.
- No!

We all saw the reenactments.

- No.
- (AUDIENCE BOOING)

If you want to know
who k*lled The Baron,

we know who k*lled The
Baron, don't we, guys?

- Yes.
- Yes. Yeah.

- All right.
- The Baron was k*lled...

by a chap named...

- Guillermo!
- (GASPING)

(QUIETLY): Unbelievable.

Guillermo. Anyone know Guillermo?

Guillermo who?

Uh, we don't know his second name.

Uh, maybe... G-Guillermo Buillermo?

- Guillermo Buillermo?
- Well, we don't really know.

- Wil-Wilkinson?
- (WHISPERING): I can't tell

if they're covering for me,

or if they really don't
know my last name.

He was my familiar, and when I found out

that my own familiar
was k*lling vampires

- all over the place,
- (AUDIENCE MURMURING)

I was so angry with him.

- Mm.
- So angry, so...

I k*lled him with my... bare hands!

- (APPLAUSE)
- You...

You k*lled Gizmo? Kind of harsh.

And just for the record, it had nothing

to do with the fact that he
may have walked out on me

after ten years.

You know, when you care about someone,

and they just walk out the door.

"Oh, I've had enough of you."

- Yes, k*lling vampires.
- Okay, you're getting into

some of your personal issues now.

So I ripped his head off,
and his arms and his legs.

And I buried them all in the ground,

so everything is fine now.

- Can we go home, please?
- Blaming the familiar.

- Yes, we've all done it.
- (LAUGHTER)

But what would that look
like... a familiar att*ck?

Something like this?

(LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

- (LAUGHTER)
- (GRUNTING)

- It's like a cartoon.
- (APPLAUSE)

- (WHIMPERING)
- Guillermo is much smaller than this.

Again, over the top.

- It's cute.
- (AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Let him go!

- (HORN HONKS)
- (YELLS)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Ridiculous, as you can
see, from the simulation.

- (AUDIENCE GASPING)
- This guy.

- Oh. My.
- ("YO NO SÉ" BY LOS DUG DUG'S PLAYING)

- (AUDIENCE GROANING)
- (SQUEAKING)

No, it's too weird. No,
just... Go, go, get up.

I don't get it. Is this still the show?

GUILLERMO: Sorry!

(YELLING)

(WHIMPERING)

He's k*lling vampires.

(WHIMPERING)

(GRUNTING)

♪ ♪

Get off him! Shoo!

- (YELLS, WHOOPS)
- (WATER SIZZLING)

NADJA: Holy water!

- (GRUNTING)
- (HISSING)

(GUILLERMO GRUNTING)

(HISSING)

The balls of that little chap.

- (YELLING)
- (WHOOPING)

- Behind you!
- (YELLS)

- Get him, too!
- (GRUNTS)

- (BEEP, STATIC)
- (GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

NANDOR: Guillermo?

Is there something you
haven't been telling us?

♪ ♪

My name's Guillermo de la Cruz.

Oh.

Don't care what the f*ck your name is.

We had to pick up our own laundry!

("YO NO SÉ" BY LOS DUG DUG'S PLAYING)