04x09 - Ethel's Birthday

[bunniefuu]

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

(both screaming)

Ahh!

Ethel, what's the matter with you?

Are you crazy or something?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Come sneaking in on somebody like
that.

Well, I wanted to be sure

Fred wasn't here before I came in.

Well, for heaven's sake, why?

I want you to help me with something.

What?

Well...

I don't know whether I mentioned it
or not,

BOTH: But I've got a birthday coming
up...

...this week.

Oh, did I mention it?

Only about times

in the last three days.

Oh. Well, Fred doesn't seem to have
gotten my message.

Where has he been, underwater?

Will you help me?

Well, okay.

I just hope he gives you something
nicer

than he gave you last year.

Wasn't that awful?

You know, I never did figure out

what that was supposed to be.

Neither did I.

It was too long to be a stole

and too short to be a volleyball net.

You know, on second thought, Ethel,

maybe we'd better keep Fred from
finding out

it's your birthday.

No, I'd rather have a terrible
present

than no present at all.

You're right, it's not the gift that
counts,

it's the lack of thought behind it.

I'm glad you're gonna help me.

Hey, why don't you and Fred come over
for dinner tonight.

We'll both work on him.

and I'll be real subtle, see?

Oh, that ought to do it. Thanks.

Okay.
I'll see you later.

All right.

Good.

You want some more cake, Fred?

No, thanks.

Um, speaking of cake,

did you all see the huge birthday
cake

that was in the window of the Speedy
Cleaners?

It was the Speedy Cleaners' th
birthday.

LUCY: Mm-hmm.

Oh... and I didn't send them
anything.

Goldblatt's Delicatessen had a
birthday last week.

It was their th.

It just seems like everybody in the
neighborhood

is having a birthday.

Let's see, who else do we know

that has a birthday about this time?

Can I have another cup of coffee,
Lucy?

Yeah.

You know, I have the strangest
feeling

that someone we all know and love

has a birthday coming up very soon.

Someone's going to get clobbered

if he doesn't remember.

Excuse me, please.

Want some sugar, Fred?

No, thanks.

Cream?

No, thanks.

Happy birthday, sweetheart!

(laughing)

You thought I'd forgotten, eh?

My birthday is months from now.

Oh?

She was talking about Ethel's
birthday.

Oh, Fred, you knew it all the time.

Sure.

Why did you let us

keep on talking?

Yeah. What's the matter with you.,
Fred?

I just wanted to see how far

you two clowns would go.

I'll put this away.

Just a minute.

How come you have this box of candy

all ready to give to me?

Well, uh...

And with a card

that says "Happy Birthday"?

Ricky?

Well, uh...

if you must know...

this is my emergency present.

(laughing)

Emergency present, huh?

"Happy Anniversary."

"Happy Mother's Day."

"Happy Valentine's Day."

"Merry Christmas."

Oh, and here's a pip.

"I'm sorry, dear.

Can't we please be friends again?"

(laughing)

Well, I'll...
I'll put it away.

Why? I certainly won't be surprised
next time.

You might be.

These chocolates are three years old.

That's great, Rick.

I'll have to remember that gag.

Honestly, these men.

What, uh, birthday is it, Ethel?

Ethel, what birthday is it?

Oh, it's mine.

I meant, how old are you gonna be?

She know what you meant.

Ricky Ricardo, I'm surprised at you.

It's not nice to ask a woman's age.

Thanks, Lucy.

Besides, it's none of your business

if Ethel is .

I am not!

I'm only...

Oh, no, you don't.

Ha, ha! Darn it, it almost worked.

Ah, you think you're so smart.

I'll never tell you my age.

I'll tell you.

Fred Mertz, don't you dare.

Go ahead, tell us.

Fred!

Nah, honeybunch, I'm not going to
tell them your exact age.

Let's just say it's somewhere between
the Speedy Cleaners

and Goldblatt's Delicatessen.

(guffawing)

Well, so long as you know

I got a birthday coming up,

where had you planned to take me to
celebrate?

Well, I loved what we did

last year, honeybunch.

What was that, Fred?

Well, we just had a cozy little
dinner

at home, just the two of us.

That's sounds very romantic.

Oh, it was.

I bought the groceries,

I cooked the dinner,

and by the time I finished washing
the dishes,

he was in front of the television set
asleep.

(guffawing)

Happy birthday to me.

I tell you what let's do this year.

Let's all go someplace for a fancy
dinner

and then go to the theater and see a
play.

Oh, that'd be wonderful.

Would you like that?
I'd love it.

I don't think that's a very good
idea.

Fred, it'll be our present to Ethel.
It's on us.

Yeah.

Hey, that is a pretty good idea.

Oh, what a sport I married.

Okay, then that's all settled.

Come on, let's play cards.

That was quite a game.

Yeah.

Thanks for a wonderful dinner, Lucy.

You're welcome.

And, Ricky, thanks in advance

for dinner and the theater on my
birthday.

That's a wonderful present.

Well... you're welcome.

Hey, Fred, you know a present

you can give me sometime?

What?

You can fix that leaky faucet in the
kitchen.

Oh, how long has that been leaking
now?

Four months now.

Ah, don't worry.

I'll get around to it in due time.

Oh, swell.

ETHEL: Come on. Good night, Rick.

Good night, honey.

Good night, Rick.
Good night, honey.

Good night, Fred.
Good night.

Oh, honey, I'm real tired.

I think I'll go to bed, huh?

Okay. I'll be right in.

(sighing)

(knock at door)

Fred.

Now, where's that little old leaky
faucet?

At this hour?

Well, it was on my mind.

This is just an excuse to get away
from Ethel.

Oh, oh, oh.

Will you do me a favor?

Sure, Fred.

I want you to buy Ethel's present for
me.

Oh, sure, I can, but why don't you
want to do it?

Well, she doesn't seem to like the
presents I buy.

What makes you say that?

Well, I've been buying her presents
for years now,

and after I give them to her, I never
see them again.

Well...

Now, you buy her something real nice,
will you?

With this?

Well, all right.

Okay, did she give you any hints
about what she wanted?

Well, she did say this morning she
needed a new toaster.

Oh, Fred.

Women don't like practical gifts like
toasters.

They like something that's feminine
and fun.

You know, a gifty gift.

Well, I'll leave the whole thing to
you.

Oh, all right.
I'll go shopping tomorrow.

I'll get her something real pretty,
huh?

Thank you, honey.
Good night.

Good night.

Forgot my wrench.

Hey, uh, as long as you're here,

how about fixing the faucet?

At this hour?

Are you crazy?

Psst, Fred, Fred.

Hi.

Shh.

Oh.

(whispers): There.

Well, hi, Fred.

Hi, Lucy.

Hey, Ricky got tickets for Over The
Teacups.

I don't believe it.

He did; go on up and see him.

Here I go.
Ethel?

Yeah.

Hi! I thought I heard your voice out
here.

Guess what play Ricky got tickets
for.

What?

Over The Teacups.

Over The Teacups!

Oh, that's the biggest hit in town.

How did he do that?

Well, he said he had to pull a lot of
strings,

but nothing was too much trouble for
your birthday.

Oh, he's a dear.

He's a real Cuban doll.

This is gonna be the best birthday of
my whole life.

Dinner and a hit play.

Oh...

What's the matter now?

I haven't got a thing to wear.

Oh, come now, Ethel.

Surely you must have something.

Well, I got a dress that would do,
but my coat's so tacky.

What coat do you usually wear?

Yours, but you're going.

What about that gold lame jacket of
yours?

You mean that green lame jacket of
mine?

Tarnished?

It's tarnished.

Maybe you can get it dry-cleaned.

Or I could polish it.

Ha, ha!

You wouldn't believe

what that old coat looks like.
I'll show you.

You know how many years I've had it
anyway.

Hey.

What's this?

What's what?

This.

Oh, it must be Fred's present to me.

How do you know?

He always hides them in the closet.

Must be something to wear.

Uh, well, Ethel, uh...

aren't you going to peek inside and
see what it is?

No, I want to postpone the bad news
as long as possible.

Well, uh, Ethel,

may-maybe Fred got you something nice
this time.

Let's look.

Well... all right.

Maybe if I get the initial shock over
with,

I can act pleased when I open it in
front of Fred.

Yeah.

Well, he's done it again.

What do you mean?

Oh, these make his other presents
look great.

Well, Ethel, I-I think they're kind
of cute.

What are they?

Well, they're hostess pants.

You wear them when you give smart
dinner parties.

Oh, I was wondering what to wear

at all those smart dinner parties I
give.

Well, I-I saw them last month in
Harper's Bazaar.

Well, they're certainly bizarre.

Well, now, wait a minute, Ethel.
Look.

You get yourself a little black,
off-the-shoulder blouse

and a big crushy belt and little
ballet slippers

and you're all set.

What for? Halloween?

Well, I like them.

I think this time Fred made a very
good choice.

Oh, don't try to defend him, Lucy.

Let's face it, all of his taste is in
his mouth.

Ethel, I think you're being very
ungrateful!

Fred pro-probably put a lot of time
and thought

into picking these out.

He did not.

I know where they came from.

What I can't figure out

is how they got them to fit in a box
of Crackerjack.

(chuckling)

(laughing out loud)

You know, these are so ridiculous,
they're funny.

(guffawing)

Oh, brother.

I'd like to meet the idiot that
talked him into these.

(guffawing)

How do you do.

How do you do.

What do you mean?

For your information,

I am the idiot who talked him into
those.

Oh, Lucy!

Oh, Lucy, I don't believe it.

I should have known more

than to get you something chic.

Chic?

I got no use for those.

I wanted a toaster.

Well, Fred told me that,

but I couldn't believe you could be
that dull.

Listen, I'd look better wearing a
toaster

than I wear those checkerboard
britches.

I should have known better than to
get you anything

at the young, modern department.

Well, you're so young and modern, you
wear them.

Well, I would, but first,

I'd have to take them in six inches
in the seat!

Oh!

Well, honeybunch,

you're going to the theater

for your birthday.

Yes, sir, it was tough, but we got
the tickets.

Well, you little Dickens,

you've opened your present.

What did I give you?

I mean, how do you like what I gave
you?

Oh, it's not use, Fred.

I know Lucy picked them out.

You should have stuck with your own
taste.

You see, I told you we should

have bought the toaster.

Is this what you bought for Ethel?

You keep out of this!

Well, this is a switch.

You open your present,

find out you don't like it,

and now you can exchange it

before I even give it to you.

Yeah, this way,

everything works out perfectly.

Yeah, but I'll bet

you won't want to exchange these.

No, I won't because we're not

going to accept them.

What?

I refuse to go to the theater with
anyone

who thinks I'm a hippopotamus.

Did you call her that?

No.

Ha!

All I did was intimate

that she was a little hippy.

But on second glance,

she has got the biggest potamus I've
ever seen.

Fred, give him back those tickets.

Are you crazy? They cost $ .
apiece.

I don't care if they cost $ .

We're not going.

Well, I am.

Well, take somebody else.

Hey, there's an idea.

Oh, no you don't.

There.

We offered you theater tickets and
you're going to take them.

We're not going.

What?!

I have no intentions

of going to the theater

with someone who thinks my taste is
all in my mouth.

Pardon me.

Happy birthday,

and I hope you live another years.

Oh!

Hi, Rick.

Hi, Fred.

There-- Ethel won't use these
tickets.

Oh, that's too bad.

Did you ever see anybody as stubborn

as that old mule of mine?

Well, Lucy does pretty good.

She wasn't gonna go if Ethel was
going.

Well, I'll let you know how the play
turns out.

You won't have to.

Ethel's got this thing stuck in her
craw.

She's got to go to this play on her
birthday

and I've got to buy some other
tickets.

You can't buy any other tickets,
Fred. It's a sellout.

Hey, wait a minute.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

What?

Here.

You pay me for these and you tell
Ethel

that you bought two tickets.

What about Lucy?

I'll tell Lucy that you gave me your
tickets back

and I sold them.

That way, they'll both agree to go.

Mm-hmm, well, what are you gonna do

about our two mules sitting next to
each other?

Put blinkers on them?

You know how they are.

By tomorrow night, they'll be the
best of friends.

They can't stay mad at each other.

You're right.

Sure.

I'll go and tell, uh, Francis I
bought the tickets.

(guffawing)

Okay, Fred.

See you later.

I guess it's right here.

Loge seats!

Yeah. Second and third in.

Pardon me.

Sorry.

Thanks.

Say, these seats aren't bad,

considering how tough they were to
get.

Wasn't that a break they had a
cancellation

just as you got to the box office?

Yep, yep. You didn't see Lucy at all
today, huh?

I saw her; I didn't speak to her.

Uh-huh. I thought probably you'd made
up.

You two are pretty good friends, you
know?

Eh.

Let me look around, huh?

Oh, isn't this thrilling?

People who come to the theater

always look so intellectual and
well-groomed.

Present company excepted.

I wonder who those two people are.

Oh, I hope they don't come in late

and crawl all over us.

If there's anything I can't stand,

it's people who come in late

and crawl all over you.

Quiet. Curtain's going up.

(doorbell ringing onstage)

Pardon, please.

ACTOR: Good afternoon, Cynthia.
Lucy!

ACTRESS: Good afternoon, sir.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Shh!
Go in, go in, honey.

I thought you said you took those two
tickets back.

I thought you got our tickets at the
box office.

Shh!

I thought you'd be friends by now.

Well, we're not.

Go in, honey.
No, I'm not going in.

MAN: Go on, lady. I can't hold this
all night.

Shut up.

Shh!

Well, I'm going in.
I don't care.

MAN: Just sit down. Sit down.

ACTRESS: Well, John, to what do I owe
this visit?

ACTOR: Oh, nothing.

ACTRESS: An important man like you...

(whispering): Let me see, Fred.

ACTRESS: One lump or two?

ACTOR: Three.

WOMAN (chcukling): You're not
fighting weight

like most of us, I fear.

The cookies are delicious.

Ricky?

Would you like...

I would.

(grumbling)

Fred, can I look through your
binoculars?

(shouting): I don't care!

(audience shushing)

Why do you have to be so selfish?

Just let me...

(binoculars breaking)

ACTRESS: I never see you anymore.

ACTOR: I've been awfully busy.

ACTRESS: Nonsense.

Your problem is that you have too
many friends.

ACTOR: Nobody ever has too many
friends.

Friendship is a terribly important
thing, Cynthia.

As a matter of fact,

friends are about the most important
thing

in the world.

Ha!

ACTOR: ...friendship, Cynthia.

Don't let a friend get away.

You'll be sorry.

That's a hot one.

I'd like to hear this play if you
don't mind.

ACTOR: I'll tell you, Cynthia...

Who's stopping you?

You are, by talking so much.

Shh! Shh!

I've got just as much right to...

Oh, no, you haven't got just as much
right...

Yes, I have...

Ouch!

Would you please sit down

and stop making so much noise?

I told you you were talking too much.

I wasn't talking any more than you
do.

(audience shushing)

At least when I talk, I say
something.

We're switching.
We're switching.

Oh, we are?
Well, I'm glad.

Sit over here while I...

sit over here.

Sit there.

I lost my shoe.
What?

My shoe.
Your shoe?

There's your shoe.

I got it.
I got it.

(audience shushing)

ACTRESS: That's right, I'll see you
Monday.

Now, John, what were you saying?

ACTOR: Well, it's about your friend,
Marie Van Schlieg.

ACTRESS: She is no friend of mine.

What about her?

What about her, John?

ACTOR: We just got a cable from the
Riviera

where she's been vacationing.

ACTRESS: Yes, this country isn't good
enough for her.

Well, what about her?

ACTOR: She's dead.

ACTRESS: Dead?

I... I don't believe it.

(sobbing): Marie gone!

ACTOR: Cynthia, Cynthia,

you've got to get hold of yourself.

You don't understand.

Marie and I are friends.

Only now she'll never know it.

Oh, John, we had a little quarrel.

I said some terrible things,

unforgivable things.

Oh, I'll never forgive myself.

We quarreled over some silly little
thing.

I don't even remember what it was.

ACTOR: Don't blame yourself too much,
Cynthia.

ACTRESS: I should have been bigger.

We were both too proud to say "I'm
sorry."

Oh, what wouldn't I give to see her
one more time.

Just once more to tell her I'm sorry.

Oh, what a lesson I've learned, John.

If only the whole world could learn

never to quarrel with a dear friend.

And if you do, don't let foolish
pride keep you apart.

Hold her in your arms

and tell her you're sorry.

Lucy! Ethel!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it was all my fault.

No, it was my fault.

Will you two please sit down.

We're, we're very sorry.

Well, that's all right.

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu
Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.