05x03 - Young & Kiki

[bunniefuu]

Hey, thanks again for
letting us leave early.

Why exactly are you
letting us leave early?

You know what, never mind,
I'm not gonna bring it up,

'cause then you might change your
mind, and I... want to leave early.

You sure you don't wanna come with us

to this off the chain club opening?

I can get another VIP
pass, because I am a PR god.

Thanks, Elliot, but I have a
college buddy comin' over for dinner.

You guys go. Have fun.

Oh, I will. I plan on gettin'
kicked out of the club tonight...

and someone's bed in the morning.

Okay, so the lobster ravioli
is warming on the stove,

the side dishes are in the oven,

and then there's cream pie for dessert.

Ooh, Boston?

No, right there in the fridge.

Okay, so are you sure you don't need me?

Gabi, stop worrying.
We're probably just gonna

end up drinkin' beer and eatin'
ravioli right outta the pot.

Pot! That's what I'm missin'.

How great is it that Josh is
giving us the night off early?

- Mm-hm.
- Why do you think he's doing that?

Girl, let it go. Don't look
a gift horse in the mouth.

- You tell her, Seabiscuit.
- (elevator dings)

Um... who are you and
why are you going here?

Uh... this is the penthouse,
right? I'm going to...

- Josh Kaminski's?
- Yeah, and why is that?

He... hired me to serve
him and his guest dinner?

And why is that?

Wouldn't you want a professional server

if you were having a business
dinner with Natasha Cook Campbell?

(gasps) Natasha Cook Campbell!

(urgent knocking on door)

Coming!

- Uh, question.
- Can you please make it quick?

My college buddy's
gonna be here any minute.

Oh, you mean your buddy,
award-winning chef, lifestyle guru,

millionaire mogul, and my
idol, Natasha Cook Campbell?

- Dammit!
- (theme music playing)

♪ She's in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turned my head ♪

♪ She'd run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she's bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh,
baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪

- ♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪

Okay, you know I'm obsessed
with Natasha Cook Campbell.

I mean, she's a genius cook,
brilliant businesswoman,

she's best friends with Yeezy.

She's everything I wanna
be, except for the...

little bit of jail time.

I don't... I don't understand why
you wouldn't want me to meet her?

- 'Cause of this. Look at you!
- What?

You're an obsessed nut job!

I'm trying to do a
business deal with Natasha,

and the last thing I
need is some crackpot

trying to steal a lock of her hair!

I'm sorry, Gabi, I can't trust
you to act professionally.

Can't trust... You can't trust me?

Can I just say that if
we were in a relationship,

I would be so hurt.

Can I just say this is precisely
why we're not in a relationship.

Oh, well, can I just
say I'm hurt anyway.

(knock on door)

A multi-million dollar
deal's on the line.

I know... and as soon as
I get a lock of her hair,

- I will be totally professional...
- Oh my

- God...
- I'm kidding!

I'm gonna be a hundred percent pro-fesh.

Now excuse me, I have a door to answer.

Welcome, Ms. Cook Campbell.

Ms. Cook Campbell, I'm Josh Kaminski.

Call me Natasha.

Natasha... (whispers) Cook Campbell.

Ooh, Elliot, tonight
you went from schmuck

to guy I wanna... uch, too far.

But still, I'm impressed you
were able to get us tickets.

When you're as well known as
me in the biz, you ask and...

(snaps fingers)

things happen.

Hey, Elliot, do you know who
the surprise guest is yet?

Is it T. Swift? J. Cole? R. Kelly?

Aww, it's so cute when
the nothings get excited.

(phone ringing)

Oh, it's the club.

Yes, this is Elliot Park.

Mm-hmm?

The surprise guest is who now?

(gasps) It's Beyonce!

- It's Beyonce! It's Beyonce! Oh!
- (others freaking out)

BOTH: Elliot! Elliot! Elliot!

Hold on a second, I can't hear
you. People are chanting my name.

You were saying tonight's
gonna be busy, and... what?

You can no longer accommodate me?

But you have to!

For the first time in my
life, people are worshiping me.

I'll do anything!

I cannot be a nothing!

Hello?

Oh, no.

So, are we ready to roll?

Actually, there's been
an unexpected development.

I knew you wouldn't come through.

Why would you all of
a sudden be "the man"?

They... upgraded us to the front row!

I knew you'd come through
'cause you the man!

Beyonce's gonna sweat on us! Let's go!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You wanna go now?

So we can be the first ones
there, and look like losers?

How many times have you
two been VIPs at a club?

BOTH: Never.

Take it from a VIP OG.

Beyonce's not gonna
go on until midnight.

The cool people show up at : .

And you know what's
better than seeing Beyonce?

Huh! Nothing!

Wrong! Drinking free booze here,

instead of paying at the club!

Aw, yeah, you know they do overcharge.

- And water it down.
- Exactly.

This'll be the night...
we never... forget.

Or hopefully never remember, what?

Natasha, at Kaminski Enterprises,
you're getting more than just an app.

We're gonna take your books,
your videos and your recipes,

and tie them all together
into one digital portal.

Hmmm. I need to run this by Kiki.

What? You're Natasha Cook Campbell,
you don't have to run things by anybody.

Well, no one... except
Kiki Cook Campbell.

She's the only bitch I listen to.

(barks)

Kiki, inside bark!

She's like a daughter to me...
except she's actually in my will.

Look, Josh, I'm gonna be blunt.

A little Tash talk, if you will.

You've pitched me the same thing as
every other pasty tech mogul in town.

I want to attract a new demographic.

How are you gonna take
my "Get Paid" chicken

and introduce it to
the younger generation?

Your "Get Paid" chicken?

Mm-hm.

(stammers)

It's only her best recipe!

It's called "Get Paid" chicken because
when you finally get your paycheck,

you can afford to cook
yourself a good meal. (gasps)

Um, can I just say, I actually...
I don't call it "Get Paid" chicken,

because when I cook it for a
date, it's such a hit, I call it

- "Get Laid" chicken!
- Gabi!

- "Get Laid"? I love it!
- Natasha, I am so sorry.

I have been trying to hip up everything.

Two years ago I rejuvenated
my lady business,

and it's ideas like that that can
rejuvenate my business business!

Natasha, you wanna know what separates
me from the other pasty people?

Gabi Diamond!

She's a great chef, beautiful,
young, and oh, so fun!

Gabi, I have a great feeling about you.

I think you and I are gonna
be writing a cookbook together.

Oh, I'm sorry, I just
blacked out for a moment.

You... you wanna write
a cookbook with me?

Yes, you have a raw, sexy
energy that I want in my books!

And you were smart enough to
hire her. The contract is yours.

(phone rings)

Oh, this is the fifth time my
editor is calling me tonight.

Now she could use some of
that "Get Laid" chicken.

Hey, Natasha, why don't
you take it in my office?

Oh, okay. Hello?

(singsong) I'm writing a book
with Natasha Cook Campbell!

(singsong) I'm doin' a digital platform!

Oh my God... could
things get any better?

We're a power non-couple!

Oh, Kiki, I almost stepped on you!

Can you imagine if I stepped
on Kiki Cook Campbell,

who Natasha Cook Campbell loves
more than her own daughter? (laughs)

- (barking)
- Kiki stop!

- (barking)
- Kiki, stop... (gasps)

Do you want your ball?
Do you want your ball?

Here you go! Here's
your ball, go get it!

(barks)

BOTH: Nooooo!

Whoa! Why would you throw a
dog's ball over the terrace?!

I didn't throw it over the terrace,
I threw it towards the terrace.

How was I supposed to
know that balls bounce?

I can't see her anywhere.

Yeah... 'cause she's in heaven.

This is horrible!

Oh my God, she saw.

My editor was in a car accident,
I have to get to the hospital.

- Oh, thank God.
- Oh, that's fantastic.

- That is horrible!
- Tragic!

All right, now where is Kiki?

Uhh... uhh... say, Gabi, where is Kiki?

- Oh... look! Here she is.
- (collar tinkling)

Oh, Kiki, time to go.

Oh, look... look at that, she's
following me, that's so cute.

- Come here, Kiki, come here, Kiki...
- Kiki, now!

Oh-ooh! Here's a thought.

Why don't Josh and I watch her, and
you can just come pick her up later?

- Ohh!
- Oh, G...

I could never leave my baby.

But she is my editor.

Oh, God, it's Natasha's choice.

(crying)

Did that seem real?

Because that's what I'm gonna do

when they take my picture
outside the hospital.

That's... that was great.
It was really great!

So believable. We will watch Kiki. Bye!

Wow. This was a really great night.

Well, except for my editor,

who they think could be
dead by the time I get there.

(dramatically) No! Not Diana!

Noooo!

Okay, that one might've been
a little bit over the top.

I'm not gonna do that one. I'm
gonna go practice in the elevator.

All right, watch my baby for me, please.

Okay, we will!

- Bye.
- Bye!

In honor of Beyonce, all
the single ladies do a sh*t!

Yeah!

Mm-mm!

Now all the divorced ladies do two!

(laughs) My divorce was pretty rough.

I'll take three! (laughs)

Kendrick? It's Sofia.

E... even though this might
make things awkward at work,

I have to say... I love you...

- and I wanna suck...
- Okays!

- We're drunk enough to go.
- (laughs)

Waaait!

You're gonna let Beyonce see
you b*tches without volume?

Hair flip!

Okay, let's go.

- (exhaling loudly)
- (Elliot chuckling nervously)

Wait a second. It's only : . (sighs)

What did I say before, nothings?

- Don't show up early.
- Or we'll look like losers.

Exactly. So what do we do while we wait?

Beyonce-tinis!

- A-ha!
- Atta girls!

Did you find Kiki?
Tell me you found Kiki.

I found her. I found her.

A whole Kiki, or in Kiki pieces?

Whole Kiki. Whole Kiki.

How... how the hell did she survive?

Well, she miraculously landed

(whispered) on this.

Uh, Louis, this is Josh.
Josh, this is Louis.

- Wow.
- Kiki, thank God...

Nice place. What do you
do for a livin'? Work?

And like I told the blonde here,
this isn't Kiki, this is Wagon.

- What?
- Damn, Wagon.

Can you believe this place?

Look at the size of that ottoman!

You still have the box it came in?

- What's going on here?
- Okay, so, I tried to tell Louis

that Kiki was Natasha's dog,

but he insisted that that was "Wagon,"

short for "Off the Wagon,"
which he clearly is.

Okay... how much for the dog?

- Excuse me?
- Businessman to con man,

how much do you want
for Kiki? Five thousand?

I told you, this isn't Kiki, this
is Wagon, and Wagon is not for sale.

- Ten thousand.
- You know...

this nice young lady invited me up

for a home-cooked meal out
of the kindness of her heart,

and here you are, flashing all
your money, trying to separate me

from my only friend in the world.

- Twenty thousand.
- Heeeeere's Wagon!

Hey, uh, Louis... do you...

Wanna go out with you? Nah!
I'm rich now. I got options.

Here ya go!

Oh my God. Josh, you just have
that kinda money lying around?

Gabi, I'm rich. I have
lots of money in my office.

Next to my full-time security
guard. Big guy, big, big guy!

Anyway... buh-bye, Louis.

Well... take good care of Wagon now.

I'm off to the bank... or a race track.

Ha! Oh my God! We got Kiki back!

We got Kiki baaack!

Why aren't you happy?

Uh, do you not remember that
you just cost me $ , ?

Do you not remember how
we thought Kiki was dead,

and now she's alive, and she's here?

Do you not remember how none
of this would've happened

- if you just went to that stupid club.
- Okay, can we not do the

"do you not remembers" because
I think we all remembers.

Oh, especially the one where
Natasha was out the door

until I brought up "Get Laid" chicken!

I mean, if it wasn't for
me, you'd have nothing!

Oh, right... because I didn't have
my penthouse or... or my company,

or my millions before you
rhymed "paid" with "laid"!

- Oh my God, you are being so...
- (dog barks)

Kiki! Kiki, stop! Kiki, get off!

- Do you want your ball? Yeah, okay!
- (dog barks)

- Hey, go get your ball...
- Stop! Stop!

Have you learned nothing?

You do not throw balls
towards the terrace!

(dog barks)

- No!
- No!

Okay... at a certain
point, it's the dog's fault!

Ohhhh, she's gone this time,
Gabi! She's gone, baby, gone!

It's dead! My cookbook deal is dead!

(phone ringing)

- Oh my God, Natasha's face-timing you!
- I'm not answering it!

Okay, but if you don't
answer, she's gonna think

- something horrible happened to Kiki.
- Well, if I do answer it, she's gonna

know something horrible
happened to Kiki.

Okay, I'm just gonna hit ignore.

Dammit! I hit accept,
I do that all the time.

Hi, Natasha!

Hi, how's my little angel?
Would you put her on the phone?

- I wanna see her face.
- (hushed) Kiki had a walk.

- What? I don't know what you're saying,
- Tell her I took Kiki for a walk!

- you tell her.
- I took Kiki for a walk!

And because I'm talking to you right
now, because Gabi gave me the phone,

that must mean I'm back with Kiki!

- (barking)
- Oh, I hear her!

- Oh my God. I hear her, too.
- I hear her, too.

She's alive... force!

She's a life force, just
perks up everything around her.

We adore her.

Aw. Well, tell her Mommy's on
her way to pick her back up,

- And I love her...
- Okay, bye-bye!

Oh my God, she's here! She's here!

- (barking)
- (whistling)

(gasps) Oh my God, she's
on the terrace below us,

she must've hit the awning
and slid off onto the balcony,

- we gotta go get her!
- We... we can't just

go into the apartment,
it's empty, it's for sale.

- Well, can't you just buy it?
- It takes a little longer

than five minutes to
purchase real estate!

Excuse me for being a renter!

Can I just say once again how glad
I am we are not in a relationship?

Can I just say I'm gladder!

Can I just say I'm the gladdest,

because if we were, I would
have to stay here with you,

but instead, I get to go home, and I
get to watch the horror movie marathon

that I DVR'd. I'm gonna watch The Purge,

Insidious, Saw, Silence
of the Lambs... (gasps)

Silence of the Lambs, oh my
God, the fat girl's stuck in the well,

and she puts the bone in the
basket, and the dog jumps in,

we gotta get a bone and a basket!

YOLANDA (in her sleep): Mm-mm... mm-mm.

(quiet snoring)

(Yolanda sighs)

- (louder snoring)
- (pop)

(door slamming)

- Aaah! (spitting)
- Ah! What the hell?

Oh my God! How amazing was that?

How amazing was what?

Yeah, fool, what're you talkin' about?

Very funny, guuuys!

Beyonce! At the club toniiight!

Oh my God! Look at the time!

(gasps) Two-thirty?

Oh my damn, we missed the whole thing!

- Are you kidding me? We just got back!
- YOLANDA: What?

Do you seriously not remember
anything that happened tonight?

The last thing I remember was
you yelling "chug, chug, chug,"

while I drank vodka from a salad bowl.

Yeah, right before our limo showed up.

Limo?

So... we went to the show?
I don't remember any of this.

Well... Beyonce will remember you.

Backstage, you taught Blue how to
sing Single Ladies in Spanish.

Todas Las chicas solteras?

Then you and Beyonce stood by a mirror
and laughed... because she said you two

- could be sisters!
- YOLANDA: Oh?

Now that you mention it...
this is all comin' back to me!

Ha!

Finally! It was the greatest night ever!

Yes, it was!

Oh my God! I just remembered.

I made out with Beyonce's bodyguard!

- (Elliot laughing)
- That makes two of us!

(all laughing)

- We partied with Beyonce!
- (all laughing)

The PR god really came
through for you guys!

- (both laughing)
- I'm gonna get going!

Chant me out.

BOTH: Elliot! Elliot! Elliot! Elliot!

God, the nothings are stupid.

(gasps) My God... I feel a tug!

- I think I got her! Okay.
- Okay! Just go slow! Go slow!

- (doorbell rings)
- Go fast! Go fast!

(straining)

(gasps) Oh my God, Kiki, you're alive!

Wait a minute. All that and
you don't even have the ball?

Natasha, hey, how's your editor doing?

Oh, she's gonna be fine.

You know, I didn't realize how much
I truly cared about her until tonight?

I mean, she's not just my editor.

- She's my best friend.
- Mm.

TMZ ate that up!

Oh, there's my baby!

I hope she wasn't too much trouble.

No, she just... played a lotta fetch.

Ha! Yeah, she really
flies after those balls!

Anyway... my people will be in
touch about the project and the book.

- Oh, looking forward to it.
- Sounds good.

And please feel free to reach out
to me if you have any questions.

Well, I do have just one...

why does my little girl have a d*ck?

Uhhh... well, that's a good question.

Uh, first off, are you sure
that he has... oh, now I see it.

Where is Kiki Cook Campbell?

- Uh...
- (barking)

Okay, Natasha, here's the thing.

When we were on the phone, we were... we
were playing on the balcony, and then...

and then Gabi threw the ball, and
then Kiki jumped and she fell...

In love!

Kiki?

Yep!

That's her. Here ya go.

This is so confusing.

Well, you know, with... with all
this talk about "Get Laid" chicken,

I looked at Kiki, saw
she was alone, and...

thought as a fun, sexy story, for...

our book, um, I could find
her a boyfriend, and I did!

Hence the... d*ck.

Um... (laughs) So meet... Wagon.

Why is he wearing her collar?

Oh! We... we just wanted Wagon
to get used to Kiki's scent.

- Mm.
- You know... (hushed) pheromones.

Oh, and look at that,
he loves her already.

Adorable! You two seem great together.

- Wait... us?
- Are you insane?

- Not you, the dogs!
- (elevator dings)

I'll be in touch tomorrow
about the contracts.

If you'll excuse me, I have a
doggie wedding to plan and cater.

Third time's the charm.

Bye!

Oh my God! I can't
believe we pulled that off!

Kiki must've also landed on the
awning, slid off, and then, somehow,

- made her way up the stairwell.
- Who cares!

My God, you got the deal with
Natasha freakin' Cook Campbell.

So did you.

You know, it's too bad
we're not in a relationship.

We work well together.
We'd be a pretty good team.

Yeah, but then... someone would do
something to make the other one mad.

What could you possibly do to make me
any more mad than what you did tonight?

I got her hair!

And then get this...

Beyonce calls me
onstage to sing with her!

Oh my God, you sang with Beyonce?

Sang! With Yonce!

Wow. Well, you are not the
only one who had a crazy night.

Natasha Cook Campbell's dog
flew off Josh's terrace twice

and lived, and I still got
a cookbook deal out of it!

Okay, Gabi, now it just sounds like
you're making stuff up to top my story.

(knock on door)

Am I? Or is that Natasha Cook Campbell

bringing over the contracts for
our book deal, ah, right now.

(Sofia gasps)

Hi, Natasha Cook Campbell.
Hi, Kiki Cook Campbell.

This is, uh, Sofia, my roommate.

Hi, Natasha. (laughs nervously)

Latina roommate, small enclosed spaces.

(shudders) Prison flashback.

Well, shall we make this official?

Looks like you could use the money.

Oh, well, where do I sign?

(barks)

Oh? Looks like I'm not
the only one who's excited.

You'd think Kiki'd be tired
after playin' all that fetch.

Aww... Kiki... you like to play fetch?

Oh, okay... go get it!

- (gasps and screams)
- (car horn)

Oh my god!

- (gasps) Nooooo!