05x14 - Young & Handsy

[bunniefuu]

JOSH: Gabi, dinner tonight was amazing.

I am one lucky man.

(SOFTLY) Hmm! You're about to be.

- I cannot wait to get into bed.
- (CHUCKLES)

I can't wait for you
to get in it either.

Does it get any better than this?

I know! I have a boss that I
love, a boyfriend I love.

And I have a chef I love,
and a girlfriend I love.

We're gonna need a bigger bed.

- I love you.
- I love you more.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Mwah.

Good night, Gabi.

- (GRUNTS)
- (LIGHT CLICKS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turn my head ♪

♪ She run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

♪ Baby, I like that
ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

Mmm! Thank God you're home!
I have huge news.

(HUMPHS) So do I.

Okay, well, remember how I said

I want to earn a little extra money?

Well, I got a job driving

at night for Crazy Car.

The ride-sharing company?

Don't they hire, like, anybody?

Let me have this.

Okay, I'm sorry.

It's just... something really weird

didn't happen with Josh.

(SCOFFS) Now we have to talk

about what didn't happen with him?

(SIGHS)

He got into bed, he told me he loved me,

and then he went to sleep.

- So, he was probably tired.
- Yeah, of me!

That's ridiculous.

Did I mention that
he kissed me good night...

on the forehead?

I mean, who kisses you on the forehead?

Your grandma, your piano teacher,

your gym teacher... after he gets fired.

It was one night.
It doesn't mean anything.

Yes, it does! It means everything!

Sex is the way you know how
a relationship is doing,

and if you're not doing it,
it's doing bad!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Hi, it's your roommate, Sofia.

Think we can get back to me now?

(SCOFFS)

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

- Okay, hang up.
- No, you hang up.

Oh my God, Josh and I used
to do this all the time.

- Stop it!
- I'm sorry!

Okay, so I don't have tons of money,

so what do you think I should get

to take care of my Crazy Car customers?

Uh, you mean like mints or water?

No, I mean, like, pepper spray or a g*n.

I'm terrified.

Are you kidding me? You're Lil So-So.
You can handle anything.

Well... Wait.

Are you just saying that so you
can get back to you and Josh?

A little.

Gabi, your relationship
is not "doing bad."

- It isn't?
- No, he loves you!

- (WHINES) How do you know?
- Because he told you he loves you.

Yeah, right before
he didn't have sex with me.

Ugh. Will you stop, okay?

You'll probably go over there tonight

and have the best sex of your life.

(KEYBOARD CLICKING)

Okay, okay. Enough of this.

Yay!

(CHANTS) Less spreadsheets,
more bedsheets!

Can I just say how much I love that
you're spending every night here?

- Do you?
- Are you kidding me?

It's the perfect way to end the day.

Aww. For me too. I love you.

I love you more. Mwah.

(LIGHT CLICKS)

Two nights doesn't mean anything.

You said one night
doesn't mean anything!

Now two nights doesn't mean anything?

Do you know what doesn't mean anything?
Your crappy advice!

Okay. Gabi, it's : a.m.

- Where does Josh think you are?
- He doesn't care!

He's sound asleep. It's like he
doesn't even know what beds are for!

I knew it, Sofia. It-it... Josh
and I finally got together,

and it's too good to be true.

I mean, it's over!
This is the end of everything!

This is not the end of everything.

You haven't even talked
to him about it yet.

Yeah, I can't talk to him about this.

I mean, it's a very sensitive
area involving my sensitive area.

Well... even more reason
for you to talk to him,

and by "him" I mean "not me."

Okay? So, I'm gonna drop you
back off at Josh's,

you're gonna get into bed,
and in the morning,

you can find out what the problem is.

Okay, fine, but first can
we go through a drive-thru?

If Josh isn't gonna
see me naked anymore,

I want a Double-Double Animal
Style, fries and a shake.

Elliot, Elliot! Great news!

Bruno Mars just added a second show.

And you added a second chin.

We tried to get tickets
for the first show,

and they sold out in a heartbeat.

Give it up. We're never
getting Bruno Mars tickets.

(WHISPERS) Never.

Damn, you're a downer.

Maybe this virgin coffee
will pick you up.

It's just called coffee, Yolanda.

Yours is.

Hey, guys.

Couldn't help but overhear you
talking about concert tickets,

so this might be of interest to you.

I am this close to finishing an app

which allows regular people, like you,

the ability to purchase tickets
as quickly as the brokers do,

so everyone's on the same,
level playing field.

Oh my God. Can you get
us into Bruno Mars?

Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut-tut.

Praise... then ask.

Oh my God, you're so smart and pretty.
Can you get us into Bruno Mars?

The tickets are about to go on sale!

Genius.

Let's see what we can do...

- (GASPS)
- ...regular people.

(YOLONDA SQUEALS)

(BOTH CHANTING) Bruno Mars, Bruno Mars,

- Bruno Mars!
- (KEYBOARD CLICKING)

All right.

And... (TAPPING)

amazing Bruno Mars seats in three,

two, one!

Gah! It didn't work!

It didn't work? What do
you mean it didn't work?

Damn it. I guess there's
still some kinks in the app.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. You got
us all pumped up for Bruno Mars,

then you let us down?
Oh, this is "Uptown Funk'ed" up.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Yeah, the brokers snatched
up every ticket...

except the wheelchair- accessible seats.

Um, uh, uh... What-what... what do
you mean, wheelchair accessible?

Yeah, right in the front row.

- Hey, what are you guys doing?
- Reading up on how to look injured

and whether or not you need proof.

- Oh. Taylor Swift tickets?
- Bruno Mars.

(SIGHS)

Okay. All right. You can do this.

You can do this.
I mean, how hard
is it to say,

"Why are we not having sex"
to your boyfriend?

Okay.

It's gonna work this time.

Here we go.

(TAPPING)

Come on.

Come on, you can do this.

Oh, you're almost there.

Gah! (WHIMPERS)

Oh my God, Sofia.

I did what you said,
I went in and I talked to Josh.

- What did he say?
- Um, not much.

He kind of had his hands full.

At first I thought he was working,

(WHISPERS) but he was working it!

What are you talking about?

GABI (ON SPEAKER):
Don't make me say penis!

And I'm taking you off speaker.

- JOSH: Gabi?
- Oh God, I gotta go.

(BREATHING HARD) Oh, Gabi.

Thank God you are here.

Can you make me a protein shake?

I am drained.

Look, we need to talk.

I mean, can it wait?
I gotta get back to this.

- You're gonna do it again?
- Yeah.

I'm going to keep doing it
until I hit the mother lode.

Okay, all right. Josh...

listen, I... I don't understand

why you're doing what you're doing,

- when I'm here. (CHUCKLES)
- What are you talking about?

Well, I'm your girlfriend now.

We should be doing all
that kind of stuff together.

Um, Gabi, that's really cute,

and I'd love to explain to you
all about my business...

but I'm a little frustrated right now,

so I need to do this alone,
so I can focus.

Okay, well, if you're frustrated,
maybe I can help you relax.

See? Isn't this relaxing?

- Oh. So relaxing.
- Yeah?

Maybe even a little sexy?

Yeah.

Oh, right there.

That's it.

That's it.

I just figured out a new way to do it!

- You ready to do this?
- Let's roll!

(WHIRS)

ELLIOT: Hi!

I need some of those special front-row
tickets to Bruno Mars, please.

As you can plainly see, my friend
here was severely injured.

Very sad. Mountain-climbing accident.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Which mountain?

Splash Mountain.

Uh, yeah, he... fell off a
mountain and splashed into a lake.

Really? What lake?

- Tahoe.
- Erie.

- Michigan.
- Ricki.

You are not injured.

You think you can just walk up

- to my box office...
- I wish I could walk...

but until I heal, which the doctor said

won't happen until well after
Bruno's tour is over,

no feeling below the waist.

No tickets unless you can prove it.

Uh, you want proof? Oh, you want proof?

I'll give you proof.

Why are you taking off your belt?

The woman wants proof that you
have no feeling in your legs,

and once she sees that you don't react,

it will be proof. (CHUCKLES)

See? There. He felt nothing.
Tickets, please.

Are you serious? That was a love tap.

Was it? (CHUCKLES)
Well, let me try again.

- Ah!
- Nothing.

How about that? Hmm?

I don't think so.

Okay, uh...

Well, one last time.

One last real hard time.

(WHISPERS) Come on, Elliot. If
the woman thinks we're faking,

we're not gonna get into Bruno Mars!

(SIGHS) You're right.

- (SIGHS)
- For the funk.

(BELT WHOOSHING)

Here we go!

I... love Bruno Mars!

(GASPS)

Well, if he wasn't injured before,

he is now. Here's your tickets.

Thank you. (CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERS) That wasn't so hard.

I really can't feel my legs.

Wow. Most people
just fill out this form.

(POUNDS)

(JOSH SHOUTS) Yes!

Yes!

Finally!

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

I did it. (BREATHING HARD)

Job... complete.

Yeah. I heard. Congratulations.

Thanks. That was the, uh...

that was the hardest it's ever been.

I'm gonna go grab a shower.

You know, even though I've
done this a thousand times,

I still get that rush!

It's like a I'm a teenager
back in my mom's basement,

doing it for the first time
all over again.

Well, aren't you the luckiest
girl in the whole world?

Home-wrecking bitch!

(CLATTERS)

(WHISPERS) I did a bad thing.

What'd you do now?

- This.
- Oh my God!

You destroyed his laptop?
Why would you do that?

(WHISPERS) I'm not well.

And you wanna know why I'm not well?

The problem isn't that
he's having sex with himself.

The problem is
he's losing interest in me,

and when that happens, it is game over.

You have to tell me this is not
the end of everything, Sofia!

I would, but it is. You're screwed.

(CRYING) No-ho-ho-ho-ho!

You gotta help me!
Please, tell me what to do!

Do you want five stars?
You want five stars?

Tell me what to do!

Okay, fine.
We're gonna go back to Josh's,

you're gonna tell him
you broke his computer,

and then you're gonna be honest
about what you've been feeling.

Or-or-or... and this is just coming
to me now, but it's really good...

(SIGHS) I get the laptop fixed,

I sneak it back into his house,
he has no idea that I broke it,

we hide all of our feelings
from each other,

and then we have a normal
relationship based on lies,

just like every other couple!

- You know what? You're right.
- I am?

You're not well.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!
I will have a glass of that.

I'm celebrating. I finished my app.

By the way, I figured
out a way to get you

guys tickets to the
next Bruno Mars show.

By the way, you're too late.

We already got 'em for tonight.

- Really? How?
- (WHIRRING)

Rocket ship to Mars
is ready for liftoff.

No way. You guys are
posing as disabled people?

No, injured.

Elliot, get off that thing.

We'll use my app to get you
tickets the honest way.

(WHINES) But they're not
gonna be front row.

(MOCKINGLY) But, at least you'll be

able to look at yourself in the mirror.

How is that a plus for Elliot?

Where's my computer?

It was right here.

Yolanda, what'd you do with it?

Did you put it somewhere
while you were cleaning?

The only thing I cleaned out
today was your wine cellar.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- (BELL JINGLES)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hi, I'm Gabi. I'm the one that called

about the computer that fell
on the rolling pin.

- Wow.
- Oh no. That bad?

You're the prettiest thing
that's ever walked in here.

Oh. Thank you. Garrett, is it?

No one that pretty
has ever said my name.

Oh. Garrett, do you think you
could fix it right away, Garrett?

- For you, absolutely.
- Mmm.

(SCREEN CRACKLING)

Well, how... how much do you
think it'll be, Garrett?

(CHUCKLES) Well, I'd have to open it up,

I'd have to examine the hard drive.
I'd say a thousand bucks.

What? But I'm the prettiest thing
that's ever walked in here!

I'm sorry, it's just that I... I don't

have anything close to a thousand bucks,

and if I don't get this fixed
today my boyfriend is...

Boyfriend? Two thousand.

...gonna roll over in his grave.

- JOSH: Hello?
- (DOOR OPENS)

(GASPS) Oh my God, you gotta hide me.

Hide me, hide me.

Uh, hi.

Uh, I got a ping
that my computer was here.

I'm not sure how it would've
gotten here, but I just...

- I'm praying that you have it.
- Oh, well,

the only computer that's come in today

is the one that a beautiful
blonde brought in...

but she's long gone!

Blonde.

So, uh, tell me, Garrett,

did this blonde happen to have...

Blue eyes, dazzling smile,

and a body I'd like to
Photoshop anime tentacles on.

Yeah. Thought so.

Okay, so here's the
deal: My girlfriend...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're her boyfriend?

She said you were dead!

Oh my God, is that my computer?

What happened to this thing?

(SCREEN CRACKLING)

Oh, please work.

(CHIMES, WHIRRING)

Oh, thank God it powered on.

I mean, why... Why would she do this?

Look, I... I think
the better question is,

what did you do that would
drive her to do this?

Me?

I didn't do anything! She did this!

- She's obviously sick!
- (GABI SCOFFS)

- I'm sick?
- Gah!

Well, if I'm sick, it's only
because you made me sick.

Why did you destroy my computer?

Oh, you really wanna know, Josh?
You really wanna know?

I really wanna know.

I'd also like to know.

Fine! We've been having sex every night

since we've been in a relationship,

and suddenly you just stop?

And I try to be the mature one and
come and talk to you about it,

and what do I find? The reason
you're not having sex with me!

It's because you're having sex with you!

What does that even mean?

Masturbating. She caught
you masturbating.

- No, she did not!
- Oh, don't play innocent.

I saw you, Josh. I saw you.

I walked in your office
and you were all,

(MOCKINGLY) "Oh, do it, do it.
So close, almost there."

(MOANS)

I was working on my app.

Is that what you
were doing, Josh, really?

Is that really what you were doing?

I... I was not... I wasn't...

Masturbating. He's saying
he wasn't masturbating.

(SIGHS)

Josh, I was standing right behind you.

I saw your hand going
all kinds of up and down.

Did it happen to look like this?

(TAPPING)

Hold on one second.

Okay, do it again.

- (TAPPING)
- Oh my God.

- What did I tell you?
- Okay, I'm really sorry, but...

I mean, you could see how
I would think that, you know?

Hey, it totally looked
like that from here.

- It was not that!
- Okay, so it wasn't that,

but that doesn't change the fact
that you're not having sex with me.

What are you talking about?
We have sex all the time.

Yeah, not last night
or the night before!

- So?
- "So?" Why?

I mean, what is it, Josh?

Uh... I mean, is it me? Are you
not attracted to me anymore?

Are you bored with me?

How could anyone...

ever possibly be bored with you?

Well, I think... I mean,
I'm fun, I'm passionate.

Yeah, I'm always getting
into some kind of trouble.

Okay, but... what is it then, Josh?

- I mean, why is our relationship over?
- It's not.

Gabi, the reason why we didn't
have sex the last couple nights

is 'cause I was tired... from working.

Why, all of the sudden,
are you thinking like this?

I mean, we were doing so great.

Yeah, I know. It's just...

when you stopped having sex with me,

I started freaking out. We're
finally in a real relationship,

and we've just screwed up so many
times, I don't want it to be over.

Gabi, just because we don't have
sex for couple of nights,

doesn't mean our relationship's over.

You gotta stop waiting
for that other shoe to drop.

- It's not going to.
- How do you know?

Because... you're stuck with me.

I'm not going anywhere.

- Oh. You're not?
- No.

- I love you, Gabi.
- I love you too.

- (KISSES)
- Oh, yay! Not on the forehead.

All right, come on. Let's get out
of here. I'll fix this at home.

(CHUCKLES) Can you believe I
thought you were bored with me?

- How could I be bored with you?
- That's what Sofia said!

Oh great, you told Sofia.

I'll tell you who is
masturbating tonight.

Can I just say something?

I think pretending
to be injured just to go

to a concert is immoral and disgusting.

And easy.

Haven't you guys ever heard of karma?

Like when you do something bad and
then something bad happens to you?

You mean like having to
take a second job at night,

driving strangers around in your car?

(BOTH LAUGH)

And you know what's weird?

I don't even feel bad about this.

- Me either.
- And you know why?

Because we have been
screwed over our whole lives.

Yeah.

You're an overweight divorced maid,

who's amounted to absolutely nothing.

Exactly.

And you're a squat,
sweaty, unbearable man

who is despised by everyone he meets.

Right?

We deserve this.
For once, the little man

and the big woman get
to be in the front row...

and maybe even meet Bruno Mars.

Meet Bruno? Oh, if we're
gonna meet Bruno,

I'm gonna need a little perfume.

A little?

Is that vanilla musk?

Don't mind if I do.

Wait! No, no, no, Yolanda! That's my...

(BOTH SCREAMING)

...pepper spray.

- My face!
- Rerouting to hospital.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Good thing I didn't get the g*n.

(BOTH CRYING)