05x18 - Young & Bullseye

[bunniefuu]

Josh... Can you believe
we're going on a double date?

You like Nick, right?

- Who?
- (LAUGHS)

You mess this up and I'll k*ll you.

Um, they have had five dates,
very successful sex,

and she really thinks
this could go somewhere,

and it's very, very important
to us that you like him.

Yes, because one day, me and Nick
will live next door to you and Gabi,

so... (LAUGHS)

What are you, seven?

Look, if you like him, I like him.

- I like him.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

(GASPS) Oh! Josh, you get the door,

'cause you know, I don't
live here, you live here.

(LAUGHS) I'll just, uh, stand
here and try to look casual.

- Hey, Nick. Good to see you again, man.
- Hey, good to see you, too,

but I am here to see her.

I love you.

Hey, I'm gonna, open this up for ya.

Oh, you are so beautiful.

Oh, damn it.

I broke the cork. Can
you hand me that Kn*fe?

Dude, you're gonna shove
the cork into the wine?

Trust me, it's the only way.

Do you mind?

No, go for it. Not gonna work.

What you wanna do is take
the corkscrew... (BLOWS)

...go at it from an angle.

You wanna just...

gently engage the cork
as much as you can.

- And... boom.
- (CORK POPS)

And that is exactly
why we have successful sex.

Hmm. Wow, Nick! That is genius!

(LAUGHS) Genius is a little
bit of an overstatement.

I mean, we're talkin'
about a cork, people.

It's a trick I learned because
my grandfather owns a winery.

Oh, sweet. I own my own one.

- Okay!
- (CLINKS GLASSES)

Why don't we pour some?

Uh, actually, with all the
angling of the corkscrew

and whatnot, we don't have time,

'cause we'll miss our reservation.

Uh, do you guys care
if we take my Ferrari?

Sorry, the back seat's a little small.

Even better for us.

I love you.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turn my head ♪

♪ She run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

♪ Baby, I like that
ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

I can't believe we've been here an
hour and no guy has approached me.

Yolanda, it's still early.

People aren't drunk enough, yet.

Maybe it's us.
I bet we're scaring guys off

'cause they think we're straight.

Excuse me. Are you HotChocolate ?

Oh, I'm sorry...

From HeyCupid. I'm OpenHeartedSurgeon .

- Oh, I think you've got...
- A medical degree!

- Uh, but I'm not...
- Shut up, HotChocolate.

He's fine.

You're right. And hopefully,

that nine means what I think it means.

Hey!

Hey, Nick, why don't you get us a table,

and I'll get us some drinks.

You got dinner. I can get the drinks.

Okay. I'll get us a table.

I know the owner,

so I can probably swing a booth.

You don't know the owner of this bar.

- I know of the owner.
- Oh.

Okay, Josh, this has to stop.

You've been trying to compete
with Nick all night.

- Oh, he started it.
- I don't care who started it.

All right? I need you
to be the bigger man.

Shouldn't be too hard.

I got like half a foot on that guy.

Okay, so I ordered wine for
the ladies, bourbon for me,

and, Josh, I took a sh*t in the dark

and went with an appletini.

- Oh, teeny, like your...
- Bigger man, bigger man.

So...

Oh, they've got darts.

Darts!

Darts! Darts are fun.

- Isn't this great?
- Mm.

I mean, Sofia and I
have always fantasized

about having boyfriends
at the same time,

and now that it's happening,
it's just so, hmm, nice.

Isn't this nice?

Cheers to us!

Oh, uh, we don't have
drinks to cheers with.

Probably would if we ordered from the

waitress instead of the
bartender, though.

- Nope, the bar's always faster.
- Is it?

'Cause, uh, what's missin'?
Ooh, I'll give you a hint.

Actually, I think you drink
an appletini like this.

Okay, drinks. How about,
uh, we go get the drinks.

Sofia, you wanna go get the drinks?

Gabi and I are gonna get the drinks.

(SIGHS) Oh my God, this is a nightmare.

Gabi, our boyfriends hate each other.

Yeah, I know. I don't get it.

I mean, they have so much in common.

They're both smart
and successful and cute.

On paper, it seemed like
they'd get along great.

What happened between the paper and now?

So much!

But I think it all started
with that corkscrew thing.

Oh, I know. I mean,
what was Josh's problem?

Nick was just tryin' to help him,
and then he just got all weird.

If by "help him" you mean that
show-offy, smug presentation

where he lectured Josh
on how to remove half a cork?

You wanna talk about show-offy?

You think it was really
necessary for Josh to order

a bottle of wine from his
own vineyard at dinner?

Huh. Well, it's not Josh's fault

his wine is on the menu
of every fine restaurant

in San Francisco,
unlike Nick's grandpa's wine,

which I didn't see listed anywhere.

Too bad we didn't go
to the airport strip club,

where they probably
have it on the bar g*n.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Oh, thank God. Drinks are here.

So, I was just about
to ask Josh how you guys met.

Ah! Well, Josh needed a chef, we
got together and now we're here.

- If only it was that short.
- You're short.

No, no, no.

It was actually, uh,
a lot more romantic than that.

Gabi and I had instant chemistry
from the moment we met.

Unfortunately, we weren't ready
to be together right away.

So, over the course
of the next three years,

we'd get nice and close,
then we'd get ripped apart.

Then we'd get close again, and we'd get

ripped apart again, until one day,

fate tapped us on the shoulder and
said, "Josh, Gabi, the time is now."

Remember what we said?
Shall we say it together?

- I love you.
- (CLEARS THROAT) I'm ready to go.

Oh, you know, that's so
different from me and Sofia.

I mean, when I first met her, there was

no getting close or ripped apart stuff,

I mean, I didn't need
three years to think about it.

Hm. You know, good things
come to those who wait.

I don't like waiting. I knew the moment

I saw her, we were gonna be together.

Gabi and I had sex on the first night.

Sofia, will you move in with me?

- What?
- What?

See? I told you this guy will do
anything to one-up Josh.

Nick, I would love to move in with you.

(GIGGLES)

Okay, Sofia would never move in
with a guy after five dates.

I mean, she's too rational and
level-headed and boring for that.

Well, let me tell you somethin'.

She's never gonna move in with him.

Damn right she's not!

Why is she not?

Because they're bluffing, and
we're gonna call their bluff.

Hell yeah, we are!

How are we gonna do that?

By offering to help them move
in together, this weekend.

Pfft! Are you crazy?
I hate helping people move.

We're never gonna have to. The minute

we suggest that they move in together

that quickly, they're both
gonna back out.

Now, are we done talkin' about this?

- Yes.
- Good.

- Can I tell you a secret?
- Yes.

I often enjoy a good appletini.

Good morning, HotChocolate!

How'd it go with the doctor?

Ha ha. Well, he made
a follow-up appointment.

I've heard of Doctors Without Borders,

but never Doctors Without Standards.

What he means is, yay you, Yolanda.

- Yay.
- Yay, nothin'.

Last night we talked about him.

Next time, we're gonna
have to talk about her.

I mean me. HotChocolate.

I just looked at HeyCupid, and it turns

out this bitch, HotChocolate, has got

a double degree in Greek
philosophy and Old English poetry!

Oh, no worries, Yo-Yo.
Elliot majored in literature.

And I haven't worked in a
couple years, so I've had time

to read ten philosophy books.
We can teach you!

How the hell am I supposed to learn
all that crap before my next date?

I know! How about we pull a Cyrano?

I don't do that on my first date!

Wait. What's that?

It's where we tell you what to say.

(GROANS) If I wanted to
help an old woman get

into bed, I would've majored in nursing.

What the hell is this?

Oh! Sorry! Uh, hi! (LAUGHS)

We were just about
to have moving day sex.

You'll know one day.

(QUIETLY) Okay, you said
they were bluffing.

This doesn't look like bluffing.

Don't worry, it'll happen
any minute, trust me.

Why don't you grab a box
and bring it down to the curb?

All right, Nick. We'll "grab a box
and bring it down to the curb."

- Uh, wait.
- Here we go.

Is there, uh... Is there somethin'
you wanna tell us, Sofia?

Yeah, there is. I'm kind of
just realizing it now.

Hey, Nick, could you
come out here for a second?

Well, I just wanna say, you know,
obviously last night, you know,

didn't really go as
planned, and for you guys

to come over here and help
us move, and, I don't know,

start this new phase in our lives,
it really means a lot to me.

And?

And, um...

I took the waffle iron.

(SCOFFS) I can't believe this.

When it's right, it's right.

Oh, I'm really gonna miss this place.

- And Gabi?
- Yeah?

If you need me to pay
rent next month, I will.

That would be good.

Okay!

Ooh! Well, bye!

Wow, were we wrong!

I can't believe this, Josh.
This is really happening.

I mean, they met each other,
they love each other,

and now they're moving in together!

I don't get it. It doesn't make sense.

They went on five dates.

Well, maybe that's all he really needed.

Maybe he's the kind of guy that knows

what he wants and when he wants it.

Maybe he doesn't need
three years to figure it out!

Wait. What's happening?

I just... I think it's a little
odd that we've been together

for so long and we haven't even
discussed moving in together.

Okay, it's odd. Therefore,
it needs to be discussed.

So... discuss.

Okay, uh... Well, I have plenty of room.
You're already working there.

You can't afford to live on your own...

Okay, this is so not romantic.

Starting over.

Gabi, you're the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

And I've never felt
like this about anyone.

Getting better.

And although, I might not be the
guy who knows what he wants

after five dates, I do know one thing.

I love you.

Getting a lot better.

And you would make me
the luckiest man in the world

if you'd move in with me.

Really? You mean it?

I've never meant
anything more in my life.

- Ooh!
- Come on, move with me.

Yeah? Okay! Okay! Ah!

- Ah!
- I'm moving in with my boyfriend!

I'm moving in with my boyfriend!

Yolanda, can you hear me?

Yes. This is Lil' Kim
talkin' to Lil' Kimchi. Over.

Oh my damn. He's here. (GIGGLES)

Wow. You look stunning.

Ooh, nice tushie.

Ooh, nice tush... shee you again.

Um, I'll have a marti...
Uh, wait a minute.

Is it okay if I order a drink?
I know you're ten years sober.

Who the hell told you that?

Well, I read it on your profile,
under "accomplishments."

Oh... that's right.

(MUTTERS) I hate that bitch.

So one martini and one...?

Uh... Hmm... Uh...

Oh God. She doesn't know
any non-alcoholic drinks.

Iced tea, Yolanda.

Iced tea.

So, you studied philosophy.
What do you think of Plato?

Well, it comes in lots of
colors, and I love the smell!

No, no, no, no, no.
Plato's a philosopher.

Tell him you love Plato
because Allegory of the Cave

makes you challenge
your perception of the world.

(LAUGHS)

Allegory of the Cave makes you challenge

your perception of the world.

Wow, that's amazing.

(LAUGHS) I know!

The reception in here is fantastic.

So I'm guessing studying
Old English poetry seemed

modern compared to Plato.

Do you have a favorite poem?

Well, there are so many.

I couldn't possibly have a favorite one.

Could I?

"Someone came knocking
at my wee, small door..."

"Someone came knocking
at my wee, small door..."

- "Someone"...
- (PHONE VIBRATING)

Oh God, it's my mother.
I have to answer.

- "Someone..."
- Mm-hmm.

"Someone!"

Please, keep goin'.

"Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah...

"someone's in the kitchen, I know.

"Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah,

strummin' on the old banjo."

(LAUGHS)

- (YOLANDA LAUGHS)
- You are too funny!

I'm gonna have to watch out for you.

Ooh! Ice-cold martini.

- Dog! That looks good!
- Uh! Do you know what?

Here's a funny game
I always love to play.

What's the color of my eyes?

Ooh. Beautiful brown.

Oh... Now I'll do yours.

Cover your eyes.

Yes, ma'am. (LAUGHS)

Okay, hmm, um, your eyes are...

I'm thinking.

Uh... brown.

Hey.

Hey, Sofia!

Gabi, what's wrong? I got,
like, three - - s from you.

Why would you assume something's wrong?

Well, usually with you,
it's a pretty good guess.

Ha! Funny! Everything today is so funny.

And beautiful. And perfect.

What's going on?

Okay. Do you remember our dream?

Dual weddings, dual vacations,

kids at the same time, moving in with
our boyfriends at the same time?

- What?
- Josh asked me to move in with him

and I said yes! (SCREAMS)

Where's your... (SCREAMS)?

- Wow.
- Wow is very nice, but I was really hoping

for a... (SCREAMS).

- Talk about one-upsmanship.
- I know, ri... What?

Josh couldn't stand the fact
that Nick one-upped him,

so he asked you to move in, and you were

so jealous that I was asked to move in,

that you said yes. In fact, I wouldn't
be surprised if you were the one

who asked Josh if you could move in.

Okay, what the hell is happening?

What's happening here is that you
can't let me have five minutes of joy

without having to top me.
God, Gabi, you're so obnoxious!

Okay, I don't understand how my best

friend isn't happy for me right now.

Oh, like you were me? Um, I believe your

exact words were, "I told you this guy

would do anything to one-up Josh."

Because he would. I mean, God, Sofia,

you've been on five dates with this guy.

Gabi, you were just over to help
me pack. What the hell was that?

I was calling your bluff!

(YELLS ANGRILY)

Oh my God. What is wrong with you?

Man, you have changed
since you moved out,

yesterday?

No, you're the one who's changed.

Me?

Yes! Yes you, because,
huh, you were so happy

with the way that things
were going with Josh,

and then all of a sudden,
you wanna move in with him?

What, just because you move in with your

boyfriend, I can't move
in with my boyfriend?

Oh, admit it. You said yes
because you're a petty,

selfish, little girl! (GASPS)

- Oh my God!
- What?

The dart is in...

The dart? The dart's in where?

The dart's in your head.

(GASPS)

(THUDS)

(LAUGHING)

Is there a doctor here?
We need a doctor back here.

Oh, he can help, he's a doctor.

Uh...

Please. Some girl just took
a dart straight to the head.

Ew! Is there blood?

- Oh my God!
- What kind of doctor are you?

A fake one. I lied, I'm sorry.

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah. I will be. After another bite.

God, Gabi, how did we go
from three days ago

all of our dreams coming true to...

A nightmare of you
tryin' to k*ll me with a dart?

- What happened to us?
- I don't know. You got a boyfriend,

and we both went crazy.

We did. (CHUCKLES)

Sofia, I'm really sorry that I said that

Nick only wanted to move in with you

because he was competing with Josh.

I should've said that, I mean, of
course he wants to live with you.

Everybody wants to live with you!
I've lived with you,

it's the best.

Living with you is the best, too.

Can I tell you something?

You were right. I think I only
said yes to moving in with Josh

because I was trying to one-up you.

My God, and I only said yes
to Nick because I was so mad

that you didn't really believe
he was asking me...

- Gabi, are you okay?
- Sofia, don't admit to anything.

I have your best
legal interest at heart.

Uh, Nick, can I talk to you
for a second?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Okay, well, let's get your
stuff and go back to my place.

Nay, our place.

Josh, um, I love you
a whole bunch, and I really hope

that one day we might live
together, but, right now,

like right, right now,
I don't know if I'm ready.

Oh, thank God. What I mean, is...

one day you might kind of
wanna be ready, though, right?

Totally might kind of wanna be ready.

So, uh, we have some news.

Oh, uh, yeah, we have some news, too.

Um, I'm not moving in with Nick.

What? I'm not moving in with Josh.

- What?
- BOTH: Yay!

BOTH: I'm sorry.

It's all right, I may have
rushed things a little bit,

but, u...

about anyone before.

Which also might be kind of
why I acted like an ass.

- Sorry, dude.
- Yeah, and I'm sorry, too,

that you acted like an ass.

Okay. Well, now that
everything is back to normal,

how about we celebrate,
open a bottle of wine?

- I got it.
- I got it.

How about some beer?

Maybe it's the head wound, but Nick's
grandpa's wine is not that bad.

It's the head wound.

- (WHISTLING)
- Open heart surgeon?

Oh, uh... HotChocolate.

I thought you were sober.

It's Yolanda, and I thought
you were a surgeon.

What are you doin' here?

Actually, I own a moving company.

- Oh, really?
- No.

But I drive the truck.

- You do?
- No.

They make me sit in the middle.

Look, I'm... I'm sorry
about the other night.

I... I just didn't want my smart,

beautiful and funny date

to find out that I'm only a mover.

Oh. So what I'm hearin' is,

you're experienced in packin'

big brown boxes.