02x19 - Delivery Guy

[bunniefuu]

You got to get the goalie outta the net.

Darling, we've run out of distilled
water for the humidifier.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

[HUSHED] This is important.

More important than my dry skin?

Yeah. Now, be quiet.

[HUSHED] What's going on?

Dad's watching the game.

This happens every day...
and twice on Sundays.

Take the sh*t! You got to take the sh*t!

Take that sh*t!

Just got the alert on my phone.

Yes! Islanders are in overtime.

This is great.

[NORMAL VOICE] Okay,
what weird Gable ritual

am I witnessing.

[NORMAL VOICE] Okay, if you
ever want anything from my dad,

the best time to ask him is
when a game is in overtime.

He'll agree to anything
just to get rid of you.

Oh! My father was like this, too,

uh, during, uh, Prime
Minister's Question Time.

Nobody cares, Chale.

- I'll go first.
- No, no, no, no, no.

You went first last time.

Carrie Underwood tickets, remember?

Oh, uh, can I put in a request?

We desperately need
insulation in the garage.

Okay, well, you're new at
this, so you have to go last.

Okay, Jack, Sara, light this candle.

Ooh! I must admit, there
is an air of excitement

to this scheme.

Hey, Dad, my field trip's tomorrow,

and I know you were kind of on
the fence about me zip-lining,

so if you could just sign this form?

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Come on, come on.

You got to dish that puck.

Come on. Dish it, man.

Hey, um, can I have
bucks for some lip gloss?

Yeah. Wallet's on the table. Come on.

- $ 's okay?
- Yep.

You gotta be kidding. That's icing.

That is icing right there!

Okay, okay, I'm going in.

Hey, Dad, can I borrow
your truck this weekend?

My friend Jill is moving
into Miller Place.

- Yes. Take it.
- [HUSHED] Yes.

Okay, he is ripe.

Mr. Gable, a word, if I may?

Um, as you know, the
garage is quite drafty.

In fact, the other morning I woke up

and I couldn't feel the
tips of my ears...

And there's goal. Islanders' win, baby.

Whoo! What's up?

Basically, I request
insulation in the garage.

Mm. Spring's coming. Suck it up.

What happened?

Too many words, dude. Too many words.

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

Alright, Mr. Gable,
cable box is hooked up.

- You're good to go.
- Oh, thanks, Chale.

I got to be honest, neither
of us are very good

at the, uh, technical stuff.

Well, it's just one cord.

You could've followed
the cartoon of the guy

plugging in one cord.

Oh, yeah, that was crazy.

- [LAUGHING] Right?
- Right? Yeah.

We... We just stared at that thing,

then we realized it looked like
you, so we... we called you.

Yeah. Same little baby mustache.

Yeah, he does.

[LAUGHTER]

So freakin' crazy.

It's awe... Whoa! There we go!

Great. Okay, well, my work here is done.

Call if you need, say, I don't
know, a light switch turned on.

They can be tricky.

I'm conflicted.

I mean, Chale did us a favor,

but I still want to
punch him in the liver.

Yeah. Welcome to my life, guy.

Hey. Whoa! What... What is this?

Just a little upgrade to the office.

Okay, do you not realize

that we haven't had a
new account in months?

Like, we're... we're struggling.

But people don't need
to know that, okay?

They come in here, now they see this.

They're like, "Whoa, you guys got cable?

Whoa, somebody's got success."

It's good. It's good.

Isn't that the guy we hate
from Nassau Security?

- Munson?
- America.

Land of the free, home of the brave.

But is your business safe?

Hi. I'm Frank Munson,
founder of Nassau Security.

When it comes to your safety,

don't monkey around
with the competition.

[ FANFARE PLAYS]

"Monkey arou..." That was
a direct sh*t at us.

And did you see the fist?

That's our f... He stole our first.

We... We could sue him.
We could sue him!

Okay.

We can't sue.

We don't own fists.

But now, it makes sense

why we're not getting any new accounts.

This guy's advertising,

and we're sitting around watching TV.

Oh, look, it's a stupid commercial.

It didn't even land, so
don't worry about it.

I don't know.

Those explosions made me feel unsafe,

and then Frank's presence reassured me,

so... I found it very effective.

- Hey.
- Hey. Hey.

Finally, you're here. I
g... I got an emergency.

What's wrong?

Somebody spilled hot
cocoa on the remote,

and it's not working.

Nothing's working. Nothing.
Nothing is happening.

Was this somebody you?

Okay, I-I'm not gonna play
the blame game, okay?

Do me a favor, just take it apart,

and can you baby-wipe her down?

Uh, excuse me. I'm
looking for Kevin Gable?

- Right there.
- Oh. You got him right here.

Oh. Mr. Gable, can I, uh,

talk to you for a minute... in private?

Okay, if this about me
canceling my gym membership...

I did everything I was
supposed to do, alright?

I-I-I-I-I wrote the letter.

I talked to two people
in the front office.

I'm done, okay?

I went there twice in three years.

You zapped me for bucks.

Stick a fork in me.

No. No, no, no. I-I don't... I don't...

I don't work at the gym.

Um, it's... it's about
a personal matter.

Oh, okay.

Um, I do work out. I just
I just do it at home.

Let's go.

My name's Anthony Barnes.

You kinda brought me into this world.

What?

years ago, my mom, she was at work.

She went into emergency labor.

She said there was an
Officer Gable there.

W-Was that you?

I-I-I-I don't know. I...

It was at an All American Burger.

Probably, yeah.

So, my mom, she said everyone
else just stood there

and panicked, except for you.

Wait a second. Was... Was
this right after Lent?

Yes! I was born in April.

Okay. I remember. I...

I hadn't had a cheeseburger
in days, right, and...

And I walked in there ready to crush it,

and when I got my order,
I hear a lady scream

and I'm thinking, "Wow,
she... she must have

just got her order, 'cause
she's as happy as I am."

But she... she didn't get her order.

She was having a baby. Was
that... Was that you?

Yes! Yes!

And I've been trying to track
you down this whole time.

- I wanted to meet you.
- Wow!

Well, this is unbelievable.
Well, tell me about yourself.

Just start at day two, 'cause
I was there for day one.

Um, well, let's see, um...

you know, Mom was single,

so it was a tough time growing
up, not a lot of money.

Yeah.

She, uh, considered putting
me up for adoption.

[SIGHS]

But after all those encouraging
words you said to her that day,

she decided to keep me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah, it changed her life, and mine.

And I wanted to just,
um, come in here and...

look you in the... look
you in the eye and...

say "Thank you."

Wow. Things got heavy quick.

Bring in it, little man. Bring it in.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Yeah, double.

Well, um, it was really nice
meeting you, Mr. Gable.

Um, I gotta get to work,

but maybe we can see
each other again soon.

Yeah. W-Where do you work?

Oh, I'm the assistant manager
at the Corn Dog House.

You know what? I'll visit you next time.

I'll come see you. I'll come by.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Great, great.

Hey, thanks again for everything.

Alright.

- Bye.
- Take care.

Tell me you heard that.

- Heard what?
- That kid crying in there.

He was telling me I'm
I'm... I'm a hero.

- You hear that?
- Ugh, I couldn't hear.

I was baby-wiping the
remote, per your demand.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Hey, did... did you just
see that kid right there?

No, I-I didn't. I was on the phone.

Listen, we lost the
Gillman Hardware account.

They went with Nassau Security.

That kid had a whole story
about me being a hero.

Okay, are you serious?

I'm telling you we're losing business,

and you're going on about some kid.

It wasn't "some" kid, alright?

I-It was a beautiful moment.

I'm responsible for bringing
him into the world.

It's a celebration of life.
He's a miracle baby.

Where did this happen?

All American Burger.

You know what?

We're not backing down
from Nassau Security

and their stupid commercial.

- Yeah.
- We'll just do our own.

Pic... Picture it... We
all jump out of a plane,

holding hands, like, in a circle,

and then... boom... smoke bombs
explode from our ankles,

spelling out "Monkey
Fist" in the night sky.

- Oh, that's badass.
- Right?! Right?!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kev, that'll make a
great commercial, man.

Look, you get Morgan Freeman
to do the voice-over...

- Can you imagine that?
- ...we're all set.

- Yeah, baby.
- Yes! Morgan Free...

Oh, great! So, this is settled.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Are you mocking us?

Yes, I am mocking you.

First of all, no one
knows how to skydive.

Second, it's, um, I don't know,

stupid and ridiculously expensive.

Oh, and you wanna set off
smoke bombs at night...

Where no one can see it.

I'm sorry. I thought you said

there was no such thing as a bad idea.

Yeah, I was wrong.

You know what? We're just pitching here.

What's the difference, you know?

I know, but... Come on.
Let's be...

Wow. Sounds like there's a little
trouble in paradise, huh, guys?

[CHUCKLES] Go ahead, I'm here.
Pick my brain.

Uh, Kyle, I don't know
if you noticed here,

but we got a little
private meeting going on.

So, if you don't mind...

Oh, I'm sorry, guy.

I didn't get the memo that
you bought the place.

Now, I'm gonna exercise
my constitutional right

and sit wherever the heck I want.

If you get outta here,
I'll buy you a beer.

Done.

Mr. Gable?

If you're looking for media exposure,

there are ways to go
besides paid commercials.

Like what?

A human-interest story.

Anything. Anything that will go viral.

Oh. You know what? He's right.

Wha... What about that kid that
came to the office yesterday?

Oh, the one I gave birth
to at All American Burger.

You giving birth would
definitely go viral.

I didn... I-I helped deliver
him, okay, when I was a cop.

Man, he got so emotional, though.

- Really?
- That was perfect.

I like it. "Cop delivers
baby in burger joint...

Years later, reunited."

Alright. Now, I don't wanna get anybody

too excited about this,

but I do have a friend who's a producer

at "Wake Up, Long Island."

Maybe I can give them a call,
get you guys on the show.

Television... that's a lot of eyeballs.

That would... That would be amazing.

Uh-oh. Munson's here. He just walked in.

I'm glad, 'cause I want
to rub it in his face.

Okay, don't say anything,
because we don't know

if we're gonna get the TV show.

- Just don't mention it.
- Relax, I won't. Fine.

- Okay.
- Hey, there, monkeys.

We're gonna be on TV.

Three seconds. You
made it three seconds.

Come on, we both know you don't
have the money for that.

I dropped G's on my spot.
You know why? 'Cause I can.

Yeah? Well, we're gonna be on real TV...

The part between the commercials...

The part people actually watch...

A little show called
"Wake Up, Long Island."

Whoa, you guys got "Wake"?

- Mm-hmm.
- How'd you do that?

Well, we actually don't have the show...

No. Yeah, I'll tell you how.

They heard about a little tale
of a... a cop delivering a baby.

What's up, man?

Lots of cops delivered babies.

Mm, not like this. I'm an American hero.

And pretty soon, all of Long Island

and parts of Southern Connecticut

are gonna know all about it.

Great. I'll make sure to set my alarm

so I can wake up and not watch.

Sick burn. Let's get our garlic knots.

♪

Oh! There he is.

VANESSA: Oh, that's him?

Good-looking kid.

What'd you expect?

You think I deliver bums?

- Come on.
- Alright, hang on, hang on.

Wait one second.

So, I talked to my friend
at the morning show.

They are all in.

We just gotta nail down this situation.

- I b... Trust me, I got it, okay?
- Okay. Alright.

Hey, there's my boy!

Officer Gable.

Oh, hey, please, call me
"Kevin" or "Daddio," whatever.

"Giver of life"... any of them work.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- I'm good with "Kevin."
- Okay, cool.

Anyway, um, this is
Vanessa, my partner...

- Hi.
- ...and I was telling her,

you know, about how, back
in the day, y-you know,

the whole thing with
where you popped out

of the old baby-maker and all the that.

Y-You mean my mom?

Yeah. Great lady. Great. She's great.

Anyway, I was wondering
if you wouldn't mind,

you know, kind of telling her about it.

- Mind?
- Yeah.

Did you mind bringing
me into this world?

I did not.

Okay.

So, it started out on a
rainy day in ...

...and there's my mom,
middle of giving birth,

Officer Gable by her side.

And any time she would get nervous,

he would just say these
words to calm her.

It became like a family mantra.

Do you remember what you
said, Officer Gable?

Yeah, I do. Yeah, sure.

You wanna say it right now?

Oh, y-yeah. Yeah. Let's, uh...

Maybe we should say it together,
you know, just for fun, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's do it.

- "Pain ends."
- "Pain ends."

"Quitting stays
with you forever."

"Quitting stays
with you forever."

- "Never give up."
- "Ne-ver give up."

- "Ever."
- "Ever."

Yep, that's... Those are the words.

- Mm-hmm.
- Powerful stuff... very powerful.

And you what?

Bottom line... ‭I wouldn't
be here right now

if it wasn't for this man.

Wow. Oh, man.

[APPLAUSE]

Ask him. ‭Ask him, ask him, ask him.

Listen, um, we have this
little morning-show thing

happening in... in a couple weeks,

and we were wondering if you
wanted to come on there maybe,

and... and tell your story,

I don't know, if you wouldn't mind.

We'd get to share our
story with the public?

Yeah.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

That'd be like a dream come true.

- Yeah. I would love that.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY] Really?

You're a real hero.

Um, please accept our
Golden Card of Royalty.

This gets you one free corn dog a month.

I am very aware of the
perks, and I accept.

And here's one for your partner.

- Oh, thank you.
- Okay, you don't need that.

What are you doing?

Y-You don't even like
corn dogs, so it's fine.

Actually, sir, that's one
per customer per visit.

I want you to have this.

Thank you.

MAN: Okay, we're back live in one
minute. One minute, everyone.

Oh, this is gonna be so
great for our business.

What the hell is he doing?

What's that?

I couldn't find a picture of you,

so I, uh... I just Googled "baby."

It's fine.

Looks like one of the royal babies.

It might be. [LAUGHS]

It doesn't matter. No
one's gonna notice.

We're good.

Uh, actually, I think
my family would know.

Oh, believe me, if they're
focused on the picture,

you ain't selling the story.

Hey. Hi. Thanks again for
being on the show, guys.

Really excited to hear all about this.

Yeah. Well, you know what?

You might wanna get these ready,

'cause once he starts...

you guys are gonna be reaching.

[LAUGHTER]

Wait, you did remind Kevin
to say "Monkey Fist"

- on the air, right?
- Yes.

Okay. I told him repetition is key.

Good. For people to retain your message,

you need to say it at least eight times.

Wait. No. You didn't tell
him like that, right?

'Cause now he's gonna say "Monkey
Fist" eight times in a row.

[CHUCKLES] I think you're
underestimating him.

♪

KELLY: Welcome back to
"Wake Up, Long Island."

Today is our special "Hero Cop Day."

That's right, and we're
gonna kick it off

with Officer Kevin
Gable, who years ago

delivered a baby at All American Burger,

forever changing both of their lives.

I'm, uh... I'm just gonna have to
stop you there, Tom, for a second.

Uh, technically I'm retired,

so, uh... I'm currently working
at Monkey Fist Security.

That's Monkey Fist Security.

Monkey Fist.

Every time I put my faith in him, he...

It's just best to look at
him like a -year-old.

- I should do that.
- Yeah.

You know, I was so happy
when, uh, Anthony

finally got in touch with me.

You know, uh, in many
ways it's like, uh...

Gosh, he's like the son
I never had, you know?

- Aww!
- Aww!

[LAUGHS]

Now, I understand you guys have
an incredible story... Mm-hmm.

...so why don't you go
ahead and tell our viewers

how it all went down?

Oh, here we go.

Well, um, you know, my mom,
she was super pregnant,

and then went into labor,

and he came over, and...

here I am.

Is it me, or did that story lay an egg?

Well, that's a pretty interesting story.

Is there more to it?

Abs... Absolu... You know,
he's just being humble.

Stop being humble. Tell 'em
Tell them the whole story.

How about when your mother
went into emergency labor

and how everybody was so scared.

Everybody was so... so scared.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Everyone
They... They were...

They were scared.

This is getting intense, huh?

Anthony, maybe tell us how all
of this changed your life.

Well, I'm alive, so that's good.

I guess that's how it changed my life.

Monkey Fist, Sunrise Highway.

Well, thanks for the great story.

When we come back, we're
gonna be talking to...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. W-W-We can't cut away.

He hasn't told you everything.
What about the, uh...

How your mom was gonna
put you up for adoption?

Oh. She was gonna... She was
gonna... She was gonna...

Remember that? The story about that?

The adoption part? Monkey Fist.

Really? Your mom was going
to put you up for adoption?

T-Tell them about that.
It's pretty good.

Oh, yeah. She was gonna, but she didn't.

She didn't.

Fantastic.

We'll be right back
after these messages.

Guys, uh, can we get, uh,
one more segment, please?

'Cause I promise you, he's
just a little nervous.

I think...
I'm sorry.

We have to clear the couch
for the next guest.

Next guest?

[HUSHED] No.

[HUSHED] Yes.

No!

Yes!

What're you doing here?

It's "Hero Cop Day," and I
got a great story to tell.

By the way, thanks for giving
me the heads-up on all this.

Really? A kid in a wheelchair?

Yeah. I gave her my kidney.

I hope that was okay.

Sweetie, it really wasn't.

Then they told me that I
really needed a kidney

and we were all so worried.

And then, two weeks ago, Mr.
Munson gave me his.

That's amazing, Frank.

I believe that only through
giving can one truly receive.

And to help with Tracy's
medical expenses,

we're giving "Team Tracy" t-shirts

to anyone who donates to Tracy's family.

And on the back? Nassau Security.

That's Nassau Security.

Wow! That's a great name for a
company... Nassau Security.

- [LAUGHING] Yeah!
- Right?

Nassau Security just
rolls off the tongue.

It's almost fun to say. Nassau Security.

[LAUGHS] Nassau Security.

- Nassau Security!
- Nassau Security! [LAUGHS]

Nassau Security saved my life.

That was eight. That's impressive.

Oh, man, we're screwed.

It is fun to say. Nassau Security.

Kyle, what are you doing?

Buying a t-shirt... Team Tracy.

Well, I must say, Frank, what
you've done is incredible.

- Mm-hmm.
- No.

What she's been through is incredible.

- Oh.
- Give me a hug, Tracy.

Hey, did you see that? What?

He just bent over to hug her.

I thought he had a kidney removed.

Whatever you're thinking, don't.

Kevin! Kevin! Don't.

Please. Hey, hey, this guy's a...

You're a fraud. You're a fraud, man.

KELLY: We're in the middle
of a live broadcast.

What's wrong with you, Gable?

Okay, she might've gotten a new kidney,

but I guarantee it wasn't yours.

Hey, you know what? If it is, let me
see the scar. Let's see the scar.

I don't have to show you anything.

- Exactly.
- You know what?

Now's a good time to
take a commercial break.

No, don't you do that, Kelly.
Come here. Let me see it.

- Show the scar. Come on.
- Get off me!

I just had surgery, you animal!

[GROANS] Oh, oh.

Ohh.

Oh, please, like I'm gonna fall for

the ketchup on the bandage thing?

ALL: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- No, no, no, no.
- No, no, no.

Ha ha ha!

- No!
- No!

[ALL GROAN]

- Nope. Okay.
- No, no, no.

Okay, that's real.

Monkey Fist, Monkey Fist, Monkey Fist.

That's .

Boom!

I wonder what he dreams about.

KEVIN: Now!