02x09 - wej Duj

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪

♪

FREEMAN: Captain's log: the Cerritos
is beginning a -hour warp,

en route to a planetary survey
in the Kontaran system.

With little to do
in this vacant stretch of space,

I've approved some much needed
R and R for the crew.

[indistinct chatter]

I can't believe we all have the day off.

What should we do?
Strategema tournament?

Oh, I can't. Dr. T'Ana
invited me to a thing on the holodeck.

I really need to get on her good side.

I can't tell if she likes me

or if she makes that face at everyone.

Oh, okay. Uh, Rutherford?

Hey, sorry, Billups has
a new soup recipe he asked me

to try out and,
after that, I promised Shaxs

I'd throw some pottery with him.

Jeez, what is this,
commander hangout day?

Huh, guess it's just me and you.

[groans] I'm "with the captain" today.

- What do you mean?
- Oh, she's been bugging me to do

some mother/daughter stuff,
and I've been putting it off

forever, and now with this long haul,

she knows I've got no excuse.

All you guys are spending warp
with a bridge buddy?

It's not a big deal.

Uh, yes, it is!

Socializing with a commander can be

a huge factor in getting a promotion.

Well, you've got hours,
why don't you rub some elbows

and make a new friend?

[groans] I wish I served on a ship

that had built-in social structures,

like with Binars or Klingons.

Um, have you ever been
on a Klingon ship?

I don't think you'd like it.

[stammers] They've been
warping around the quadrant

for centuries.
I bet their Lower Decks are

a lot nicer than you'd think.

♪

- [snoring]
- [grunts]

- [laughter]
- Come, M'ach.

Let us eat before
the squirmiest gaghis devoured.

Do not speak of gagh.

Today I am tasked with scraping out

the worm barrels and
replenishing their blood supply.

That is the worst.

I have combat training all day.

Save me a seat at lunch,
unless I die an honorable death,

then someone else can have it.

Today will be
a day of great honor for me.

I am filling in at the helm.

[laughs] Yes, the honor is palpable.

Have you not noticed that Commander Togg

has been undermining the captain?

If so, then he should be k*lled.

Exactly, and stationed
at the captain's side,

I will be the logical choice

to be the new first officer.

- [laughter]
- "Logical"?

Are you a Vulcan now?

Maybe you should trim your bangs
and join a science vessel.

- [laughs] Logical!
- [laughter]

Could you imagine serving
with those biHnuchs?

"Avoid death, and cower."

[laughter]

♪

Would anyone care for a game of chess

when we are finished
with our second duty shift?

No. I will be composing
an arrangement for the lute,

which should take several hours.

I am available for chess.

- [beeping]
- Hmm.

I have detected an anomalous
surge of metreon particles

in System . .

System . is beyond
our scanning range.

It would be, but I have
implemented personal algorithms,

which increase our long range sensors.

T'Lyn.

Your assignment was to monitor
tertiary impulse systems.

That is a redundant system.

I wanted to...

It is logical to improve
our scanning capabilities,

instead of observing
non-essential systems.

These readings are
within acceptable parameters.

Correct. However, this region
has never produced this type

of anomalous energy.
Does that not seem... strange?

Anomalies, by definition, are strange.

Something about this feels off.

T'GAI: "Feels off"?

You have been spoken to
about this before, T'Lyn.

It is illogical to ignore something

of statistical significance.

I must inform the captain.

She has lost all control.

Today is a good day to be a...

[grunting]

It is you who is dishonorable!

You dare spit lies on my ship?!

[both grunting]

Coward! You hide behind

- the name of...
- I hide behind nothing!

[grunting]

Togg forgot what it means to be Klingon.

I need a loyal first officer,

a soldier of the empire who does
not spit in the face of duty.

The job will go to whoever

impresses me most today.

[grunts] Remove this.

I don't want that stench on my bridge.

I will take care of it, Captain.

[grunting]

♪

Okay, let's snag a bridge buddy.

"Kimarnt, her head cloudy"?

Ah, thank you, Ensign...

Boimler. I took a little
Tamarian at the Academy.

Ah, "Unzak and Vhila as children?"

Oh, uh, right, um...

"Karno, in the forest with... Mira."

It is hard to lose weight

when you can replicate
any food you want!

No, no, no, that's not what I meant!

Dang it! [grunts]

Aw, hey, Boimler. I didn't know
you had a passion for pottery.

Uh, Kayshon and I didn't really mesh.

Since you have two bridge buddies,

I thought we could share?

Okie dokie!

Take your never-ending bonfire of rage

and bury it in the clay.

Get out of here, rage!

That's a neat pot,
Lieutenant Shaxs... did you learn

how to do that back on Bajor?

What did you just say?

I just asked if you learned
how to throw pots on Bajor.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, do we not talk about Bajor?

[grunts] You think I had time

for anything other than resisting?!

Fighting fascism is a full-time job!

- Run! He's not kidding!
- Aah!

[screaming]

Put it in the clay, Papa Bear.
Put it in the clay.

I'm going to fight.

I'm going to get revenge. I'm...

going to a make a cute little ashtray

for my incense.

It's going to look like a puppy.

Ooh, a puppy.

[laughter]

Yes!

Good boy!

That is what we will do to enemy petaQs.

[laughter]

Drink to honor!

Captain, your targ is most impressive.

Like Kor's hound

at the Battle of Klach D'kel Brakt.

Oh, I'm surprised someone your age

knows of that glorious day.

Oh, it is one of my favorite slaughters.

We could sing a song about it, if...

[grunts]

The blood wine barrel
runs low... fetch us more.

- Yes, sir.
- [laughs]

Why would you modify already
adequate long-range sensors,

when that is outside of your duties?

I had a gut feeling that increasing

our sensor range may prove illuminating.

And now you want to adjust
our current heading

by . degrees, because of this...

"instinct."

The energy originated in a region

which has never experienced
a comparable phenomenon.

To ignore it would be illogical.

Helm, adjust course to mark .

Do not take my action as an endorsement

of your behavior.

You will spend the next two days
in meditation.

No, I do not have time for that.

I have another project,
which is nearing culmination.

T'Lyn, get a hold of yourself.

These outbursts will not be tolerated.

Two days: work on your self-control.

Through silent meditation.

- Captain, I believe that I could modify the...
- Beliefs,

feelings, instincts.

You are behaving like a child.

[Boimler whooping]

You were right, Dr. T.

This is amazing!

Ah, nothing like clawing
your way up the side

of a giant, hard piece
of earth to feel alive.

Boimler! What are you doing up here?

Just wanted to catch up
in the old hover boots and see

if you guys needed a climbing
partner... Hi, Dr. T'Ana.

You didn't bring any gear?

Well, uh, I-I-I have the shirt
and, uh, you know, the boots.

- [boots sputtering]
- [shouting]

[screams]

Good thing safety protocols are on.

They-they are on, right?

I don't know. Sure.

[grunting] Ow, ow, ow!

[groans] Hmm.

Why would you tell an entire shift

I get bad cramps?!

You were on duty!

Your commanding officers have
to know any medical issues

that could impact the mission!

Billups doesn't need to know!

He's not good with that stuff,
it freaked him out!

If I had to dance around
everything that freaks out

Billups, we wouldn't get anything done!

Cool! Then maybe I'll tell him
to boost the environmental

controls to help with your hot flashes!

[both grunting]

[sighs]

Oh, nothing like that Hawaiian surf.

Crisp air, tasty waves.

- This is gonna be great.
- Sir.

Ensign. Oh, you remember
those luaus, on the beach?

- Ah, so good!
- Yeah, friggin' pigs, dude!

- [whoops]
- Nothing like the feel of Hawaiian sand

after riding those tropical waves.

Mr. Boimler, are you also from Hawaii?

From-from Hawaii? Oh, uh...

He has to be... only people
who grew up on the islands

like us could describe it like that.

You're all from Hawaii?

Um, aloha!

Yep, small galaxy, huh?

I can't believe there's
another Hawaiian on board!

We're hitting the beach this afternoon.

Holodeck Three... you should join us.

To clean up or...

[laughs] No, to hang out!

Unless you don't miss the islands?

No, I mean, yeah, I mean,
I am homesick for Hawaii.

I grew up in Hawaii
and, man, do I miss Hawaii.

Wait, didn't you say
you're from a vineyard?

Uh...

- Pineapple or coffee?
- Both?

Whoa! Now that's tropical.

[belches]

Next time, fetch your own wine. [grunts]

[laughter]

- [snoring]
- [grunting]

I demand assistance.

Could someone just... [grunting]

Captain, ah, yes, I thank you.

I cannot move this overweight...

When you're done
fooling around, walk my targ.

He ate that traitor's leg, and
will need to be shuffled around

until it passes, or he will have gas.

Yes, sir.

[groans]

[sighs]

[nearby trilling]

You are working instead of meditating.

I am nearly finished. I will meditate

as soon as the project is complete.

You know your rebellions will only

lead to punitive spiritualism.

I am not rebellious.

I simply am enjoying the project
and hoped to finish it today

so I can continue with other work.

Perhaps if you did not
spend all of your time

following rules,
you, too, would appreciate

that there is more for us
to learn and achieve.

Are you attempting to insult me?

I merely wish for you
to join me in broadening

your definition of how
to synthesize data.

That sounds like an insult to me.

Perhaps you could look to me
as your confidant.

In Klingon culture,
they designate those who stand

with one another as cha'Dich.

We are not Klingon.

Nor are we Borg drones.

We do not have to blindly follow orders.

"Logic is the beginning
of wisdom, not the end."

The high command would be
most interested to learn

of your relaxed attitude.

How would they find out?
Would you report me?

If it is for your own good.
You are clearly unstable.

You are not yourself, T'Lyn.

- Everyone has noticed.
- Then I hope they notice

how unconcerned I am
about their assessment.

Why didn't you just tell them
you're not from Hawaii?

I tried! Sort of.
It all just happened fast!

Suddenly I was just part of the ohana.

Isn't that what you wanted?

Yeah, but what if
Ransom finds out I lied?

He could demote me to work
at a penal colony where

I'd have to mate with the enemy
to form a new civilization...

FREEMAN: Ensign Mariner,
report to my quarters for hanging out.

[sighs]

This is the longest warp of my life!

[groans]

[groans]

I don't know, Boimler.

I think you should just come clean.

Yeah, I mean what's really
more important:

having a commander friend
or being true to yourself?

Yeah, yeah. You're right.

Aloha!

Hey, hey! Aloha!

- [computer blipping]
- [opera playing]

Captain, the leg has been passed.

It was an honorable movement.

The empire used to choke the quadrant

with fear, power, but now?

We've lost our way.

The empire still strikes terror.

Klingon blood runs
as reddish-pink as ever.

Klingons joining Starfleet.

Studying at Bajoran academies.

No hunger for victory.

No respect for tradition.

It is troubling to see
a proud caste of warriors

lose their lurDech.

Well put.

You are a true Klingon.

You may be smaller and weaker

and slower and smaller
than my other officers.

But you have a warrior's spirit.

One day, you could be
captain of your own ship.

That would be my greatest honor, sir.

Uh, besides dying in battle.

That would be
my greatest-greatest honor.

KLINGON: Captain, we're being hailed.

Put it in my quarters. Private channel.

- Pakled!
- Oh, hi.

Are you ready to give us presents?

We will discuss
our transaction in person.

I'm beaming over with my new

second-in-command.

Thank you, Captain.

Pah, Pakleds have no honor.

Are we commandeering their ship?

[laughs] Even cowards
and fools have their uses.

I do not understand.

Pakleds have
an insatiable hunger for power.

I can use that.

With the weapons and information
I've armed them with,

they've thrown the entire
quadrant into discord.

You are helping them?

With the Federation destabilized,

the empire can claim
the region as our own.

Our greatest day is yet to come.

Klingons do not allow someone
else to fight our battles.

[laughs] Which is exactly
why the Federation

has no idea who is manipulating them.

"Cry havoc
and let slip the dogs of w*r."

I think it was the chef,

in the bio lab, with a sn*per r*fle

that can sh**t through walls.

You always pick the chef.

Yeah, 'cause we have replicators.

Why is there a chef? That's just shady.

OFFICER: Captain, we've picked up

an anomalous energy reading nearby.

Should we drop out of warp
and investigate?

- Yes!
- Yes, please!

All right, let's get back to work.

Ooh, I cannot believe I'm saying that.

- Mariner.
- What? I know.

I don't care who the fake k*ller was.

I had a good time today.

I know.

I did, too.

♪

Welcome to the Pakled spaceship, Pakled.

I am Rebner.

Ah, yes, Rebner,
we've met several times.

We need another boomer.

What? No, one Varuvian b*mb is enough.

We already used it.

You used it?! On what? Why?

We wanted to test it on a big asteroid,

but then it stopped working.

It was a b*mb!

You can only use it once!

[groans] This is Dorg.
Transport another expl*sive

- onto the Pakled vessel.
- Yes, Captain.

Captain, a Varuvian expl*si*n
would emit metreon particles.

- Other ships may come to investigate.
- [alarm blaring]

PAKLED: Red alarm. Red alarm.

♪

Damn it! Block their communications!

We have to take out that ship!

What the... The Pakleds again?

And now they're threatening Klingons?

Hail the Bird-of-Prey.

No response, Captain.

Klingon ship, this is

the Federation Starship Cerritos.

We've dealt with Pakleds before.

Are you in need of aid?

Captain, both vessels
are powering weapons.

What?! Shields up! Red alert!

[grunts]

- [shouts]
- Dude, my Mai Tai.

Hawaiianers, we're under att*ck!

[panting]

[grunts] Target their weapons!

- Shields holding at %.
- [all shout]

Return fire! Full spread!

Deck Six is taking heavy damage.

Sealing the area.

Damn it! We have to get to the bridge!

I don't want to die in a Hawaiian shirt.

I'm not from Hawaii.

And if I don't make it through this,

I don't want to die a liar.

Sir, I'm from Modesto, California.

I just wanted to find a bridge buddy.

I-I'm sorry.

I'm not from Hawaii, either.

I never felt like I belonged,
until I met the rest of you.

Neither am I. None of us are.

We just wanted to be friends
with you, sir.

[stammers]
You guys didn't have to pretend

to be something you aren't.
I like you for you.

Really? Thanks, Commander.

- Also, I'm not from Hawaii.
- Wait, what now?

I made it up when I was an ensign

and my commanding officer
was from Honolulu.

I'm actually from the Moon.

Wait, bro, Earth's moon?

That's where I'm from! Luna Bay!

- Tyco City!
- My sister went to Tyco City Prep!

I'm from the Third Moon of Benzar!

B- - ? That's a great moon!

My cousin lives there!

We're all moon buddies?

You know, some people say
Modesto is like the moon

of, uh, San Francisco,
so I guess I'm from a moon, too.

Modesto is not a moon.

If you were from a moon, you'd know

how deeply insulting that is.

What? You guys pretended
to be from Hawaii!

- That's like the most culturally insensitive...
- [all shout]

[grunting]

Let the Pakleds take the final sh*t.

They're about to start a w*r.

This feels wrong. There is no honor

in letting others fight our battles.

Do not talk to me of honor!

I have been crushing baktags
beneath my boot

since before you were born!

Other Klingons have tried
to sabotage peace before.

- They failed.
- I will not.

They will write songs of me this day!

PAKLED: Red alarm! Red alarm! Red alarm!

I am hungry.

You should eat.

You are smart.

Red alarm!

Evasive maneuvers!

Shields at %!

Captain, we can't last much longer!

Captain, we are being fired upon

by Klingons and Pakleds.

Curious. Shields to maximum power.

The Pakleds appear
to have Klingon weaponry.

Primary shields are failing.

Captain, the project
I have been working on is

a regenerative shield amplifier.

I believe it may help.

This has not been tested.

If it damages the coupling,

we would be left unprotected.

It is logical to use it now,

considering there are no alternatives.

My instinct tells me

it will work.

Implement the program.

Yes, yes!

The destruction of two enemy ships

will bring me much glory.

These are not our enemies.

Does the high council
know of your actions?

The high council lacks foresight.

They will change their minds
when the battle begins.

Shields are... increasing.

This is highly improbable, Captain.

They are now at %.

Disable the Pakled ship.

Target the Federation ship!

Belay that order.

- What?
- This is not our fight.

This lunacy must end.

Ha! You dare challenge me?

Stop the att*ck.

- Finish them!
- No!

[both grunting]

- [choking]
- [laughing]

- Stupid targ!
- [targ squeals]

[both grunting]

Ah!

[laughs]

[laughs breathlessly]

KLINGON: What are your orders, Captain?

Set a course for the homeworld.

The council can decide
what to do with this biHnuch.

Captain, the Klingon ship is retreating!

Well, then, let's give the Pakleds

- a taste of their own mushfroot.
- Yes, sir!

[Pakleds screaming]

[unintelligible victory cry]

Hail the Vulcans.

Thanks for the hand, Captain.

For a minute there, we were
in a little over our...

Do you require assistance?

I think we're okay over here,
we were just...

Excellent, then
with the thr*at neutralized,

no further communication is necessary.

Well, isn't he a ton of fun?
Assess the damage.

Let's begin repairs.

Klingons helping Pakleds?

Well, I guess now we know
how they got all those weapons.

Strange how they broke off
and retreated, though.

Klingons typically want
to die in battle.

Honestly, I get it.

It's almost like they decided

- it wasn't their fight.
- Captain?

We need to brief Starfleet Command.

They're gonna have a lot to discuss

with the Klingon high council.

We are fortunate
that your shield program worked.

If you had not been
"following your instinct,"

it is unlikely we would have

- survived that encounter.
- I concur.

However, your inability to control

your emotions is a liability.

I am removing you from duty.

Captain, I believe
you are making an error.

Your perceived victory today
will only serve as fuel

for further impulsivity.

There is no place
for that on this starship.

I will gather my personal items

and prepare to return to Vulcan.

- You will not be returning to Vulcan.
- Curious.

I am recommending you
for reassignment...

to a Starfleet vessel.
Your hotheaded ways

may make you better suited
to serve with humans.

Captain, I ask that you reconsider.

I do not believe
this punishment is warranted.

And that is exactly the type of outburst

which led to my decision.

It is final.

Live long and prosper.

Sir.

BOIMLER: They're all from moons!

Look at them, probably talking
about tides and werewolves.

I was so close! [groans]

I know you really wanted
to have a bridge buddy,

But guess what? You don't
need them... you've got us.

Next time we have a long-haul warp,

I vote we all do
something together, cool?

- You know it!
- Cool!

You're right. Thanks, guys.

I appreciate it.

E-Excuse me?

Ensign Boimler, sir?

- Huh? Yeah, uh, yeah, that's me.
- Well, I've been having trouble

keeping up with my duty schedule.

Commander Ransom said that you're

the most organized person on the ship.

- He did?
- Yeah, he says you're great,

and I should pick your brain,
if that's okay.

BOIMLER: I mean, yes! Of course!

Yeah, glad to help. Sure.

Oh, thank you, sir!

- I really admire your work!
- Let's talk duties.

Every ship in the fleet
depends on officers like us

to keep them running.

The bridge crew is maybe
the ones you hear about.

But trust me, the real action

begins on the lower decks.