01x08 - The Substitute & Time Out

[bunniefuu]

♪ Look at that sun
Look at that sky ♪

♪ Look at my sweater vest
I look so fly ♪

♪ Look at that mailbox
Look at that tree ♪

♪ It's about as beautiful as it can be ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Today is gonna be exceptional ♪

♪ Never boring even for a minute ♪

♪ It's my world
And we're all livin' in it ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Never boring even for a minute ♪

♪ It's my world
And we're all livin' in it ♪

Uh-oh. We got a substitute.

[Milo] What's the matter
with a substitute?

[Zack] Nothing per se.

It all depends on
what type you get.

What do you mean?

[Zack] Well,
you get your "try-too-hards."

Have some candy! Please like me!

[Zack] And your
"drill sergeants."

You!
I'm gonna call you Brooklyn.

- You from Brooklyn?
- No, sir!

That's why it's gonna stick!

Well, let's see what
we got this time.

Good morning, students, I'm Ms.
Baxter, your substitute teacher.

But can I really call
myself a teacher?

Will I be able to teach you
anything in this brief interval

where our lives overlap?

And if I did,
how would I ever know?

Oh. I forgot the third one.

"The discouraged burnout."

- [Melissa]Nice likeness.
- [Zack] Thanks.

You know, I never thought about it before,
but being a substitute must be hard.

- Maybe if I...
- Careful, Milo.

Remember the last time
you "maybe if I"-ed?

They had to call in
the National Guard.

I know!
I got to hold a grenade launcher.

Today I'll show you this moderately
accurate movie about exothermic reactions.

[Milo] Excuse me, Ms. Baxter?

Our school doesn't have the most
up-to-date audio-visual equipment.

Do you have anything
that'll play on this?

It's called a zoetrope.

We also have a horse
jumping and one of a fish.

And no one can figure
out what this one is.

Well, I guess that means
I'll have to teach.

You there, boy with the kind eyes,
you're my teacher's aide for the day.

Cool! These glasses really work.

Um, Ms. Baxter, you might want to put on
your safety goggles and take a step back.

Like,
maybe all the way to Canada.

Ah! We're here.

Do you have the special pistachio
tree fertilizer from the future?

Yeah, I got it. It's heavy too.

Now, all we have to do is
find that pistachio plant.

Why are we in a closet?

I don't know. The Quantum
Localizer musta glitched again.

- [beeping]
- [powering down]

[groans] It's dead.

And now we don't know where we
are, or when!

How are we going
to recharge this?

Go outside and see if they've
discovered electricity yet.

And that is how
a zoetrope works.

Apparently.

You're not gonna like this.

What?
I think we're in the 's.

- What!
- They got a zoetrope out there.

But, you know,
they also had fluorescent lights.

So, maybe we're just
in a public school.

All right. It'll only take a minute
to charge, so let's find an outlet.

But we must not call
attention to ourselves.

Well, the next thing
I'm supposed to "teach"

- is the three phases of matter.
- [door opening]

- Solid...
- [creaking]

[creaking continues]

The three phases of matter.

Solid, liquid...

[creaking resumes]

Solid, liquid and gas.

To demonstrate, Milo will mix
together baking soda, a solid,

and vinegar, a liquid,
to produce carbon dioxide gas.

Okay, everyone, goggles on.

Right.
You don't need goggles for this.

Flak vests too.

Okay. Let's get started!

[girl] Duck and cover!

[clattering]

Now's my chance to retrieve
the Quantum Localizer!

- It should be charged by now.
- [gasps]

[all screaming]

[clattering continues]

[boy] May I be excused from this
extended physical comedy bit?

Vinegar and baking soda
can't catch on fire!

That's impossible.
It's endothermic.

Yeah, uh,
strange things happen around Milo.

Spooky things.

- Other worldly th...
- Chad.

[Melissa] What have I told you
about rising up from under my desk?

[Chad] Not to do it?

All charged up.

- Time to save that pistachio plant.
- [beeps]

[vibrates]

Hey, Melissa,
let's hit the new mall after school.

I hear it's totally steep!

I don't think this is
our Quantum Localizer.

So where is it?

[beeping]

Young lady.

Just because you have a substitute
doesn't mean you can text during class.

But that's not my phone.
That just made a weird noise...

How do you turn this thing off?

[music plays]

♪ Substitute science
teacher in space ♪

♪ Can you teach them in the brief
Interval where your lives overlap? ♪

♪ How will you ever know-oo-ooh? ♪

♪ How will you ever know-oo-ooh? ♪

♪ Science teacher in space... ♪

[screaming]

Uh, Ms. Baxter, your...

Your hair's a little messed up.

Really? That's what jumped out
at you about that whole thing?

You're in charge.

Okay, polymerization.

Hmm, that sounds advanced.

I'm gonna need an assistant.

Any volunteers?

Everyone's looking at
me, aren't they?

Okay,
as soon as the coast is clear,

we've got to switch it back
for the Quantum Localizer.

And we've got to check out that new
mall, apparently.

Give me that!

Okay, Zack, just one more thing.

Duck and cover?

Actually, that's two things,
so I guess three more things.

We need to add six
grams of diaminohexane.

Careful, it's very volatile.

Uh-oh.
This isn't diaminohexane, is it?

I just said it was.

I thought you said
diaminohexene.

Diaminohexane makes me sneeze.

How could you
possibly know that?

When I was a kid, I had this
chemistry set and I... [sneezes]

[all gasp]

Chemical spill!
Everyone panic! I'll start!

[screaming]

[girl] Oh, my gosh!
We're all gonna die!

Just pour some chemical
absorbent on it.

There's probably
some in the closet.

I'll get it.

[screaming continues]

[whispers] Do you
think he noticed us?

Ms. Baxter?
I don't think it's working.

The chemical absorbent
will neutralize the spill.

Uh, does neutralize mean the
same thing in science class

that it does in English class?

[Zack] Oh, this can't be good.

Maybe it's a friendly blob.

Wha... [groans]

- Hey, Milo?
- Yeah?

It's not a friendly blob.

It's got my ponytail!

Joni, that's just
the pencil sharpener.

Oh.

[grunting]

I'm already pretending
this didn't happen.

Thank you. [groans]

But now look! Now! Guys!

- Ms. Baxter, it's texting in class!
- [phone beeping]

Nice head-lock, Mort.

I hope this is his head.

[grunts]

Is this one in the
three states of matter?

If we don't retrieve
the Quantum Localizer,

we'll never be able to save
that pistachio...

- [knocking]
- Excuse me.

[children screaming]

Ah, yes. Who was it?

It was a sentient blob.

A sentient blob?
That's impossible.

You'd need to mix diaminohexane

with pistachio tree
fertilizer from the future...

Like the one we just brought.

Oh.

[both grunt]

[Cavendish] I have the localizer.
Let's go!

Oh, no, it's got me! Leggo!

[screams]

Oh! What is it?

We don't know. It's not quite
a liquid and not quite a solid.

Wait a minute!
The three phases of matter.

We can turn it into a solid.

[both grunting]

Hey, blob! Chill.

Here, Zack!

Get down!

Well, that could've gone better.
[grunts]

I do not remember science
class being so action-packed.

[beeping]

Oh, no! According to this, the danger to
our pistachio plant is getting closer.

Quickly, Dakota,
to the courtyard!

[sniffing]

[exclaiming] No, no, no, no!

Get out of here, you beast.

Well, there you go.

Our first successful mission.

Oh, nuts.

[in a deep voice]
Now everything's cool.

You gonna keep
talking like that?

Thinkin' about it.

I'm sorry that today...
[clears throat]

[in normal voice] I'm sorry today
was so terrible, Ms. Baxter.

Milo, I went through a
wormhole into deep space

and I was juggled
by a sentient blob.

"Terrible" isn't
the word for it.

Yeah, I guess not.

"Awesome" is the word!

Really? Why?

Because you actually learned the
three phases of matter in my class!

[music playing]

♪ Solid, liquid and gas ♪

I taught you something!

Well,
it's just like my dad says.

"All's well that ends
with a sentient blob

making a teacher remember
why she loves teaching!"

[Ms. Baxter] Wow,
your dad's sayings are weirdly specific.

[bubbling]

[ominous music playing]

♪ It's my world and
we're all livin' in it ♪

[Marcus] Thanks again for inviting
us, Martin.

It's good getting to
know people in town.

Glad you came along.
Should be fun.

I hope so.

I'm a little nervous about
heading out in a sinkable vessel

with both Milo and Milo's dad.

[chuckles] Oh, son.

Every time he comes home
with a rip in his jeans

or covered in
"Pterodactyl blood,"

he credits it to some
Murphy family curse.

[chuckling] Yeah.

Mr. Underwood, I can assure
you that Murphy's Law is real.

But I'm sure everything
will work out okay.

Then why do we have life
jackets for the four of us?

Mathematically, it gives three of
us two-and-a-half second chances.

[Zack] Well,
that's quasi-comforting, I guess.

Hey, I'll catch up.
I'm gonna get some snacks.

Four bags of pistachios please.

Hey, it's you again.
The kid from the opera.

Oh, yeah, and at the Doctor
Zone premiere too, right?

I'm Milo. Milo Murphy.

Vinnie Dakota. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
What a coincidence.

And thanks for the pistachios.

Yeah, a coincidence...

[exclaims]

A swordfish... in fresh water?

This is it! From headquarters.

[exclaims] Where is the cart?

- Well, there was this swordfish...
- In freshwater?

I know, right?

Never mind that.
Our new assignment.

Every time I see that kid...

"Wait for the container
ship from Tunisia..."

Ooh, Tunisia.

Sounds exotic.

"And protect the pistachios."

You know, I was aware that this was
not the most glamorous of assignments,

but dagnabit!

I didn't study time travel for cycles
to end up as a blasted nut cart operator.

I joined up to save the world.

I joined up to prevent
the Mississippi Purchase.

You, you mean the
Louisiana Purchase?

You're welcome.

This will not stand.

Prepare yourself, Dakota.

It's time to call the future.

Let's see. What was that number?

Ah, yes.

It was four.

Mmm-hmm.

Battery is dead.

I may know somebody with an
inter-temporal communicator. Come on.

- Whoops!
- [squawking]

See? Oh, that's not a curse.

That's just
inexperienced casting.

Lemme show you.

Nice and easy.

You see?

Isn't this freshwater?

And so it begins...

[Dakota] Here we are.

So, you're telling me that there is
an inter-temporal communicator here?

Yeah. At this party?

Hey, look, piggies in a blanket.

There. Over there.

[Cavendish] Brick and Savannah.
Of course!

Fellow time travelers.
They'll have one.

Ugh, what are they doing here?

Brick, Savannah,
normally I wouldn't ask this of you

but it seems that the
batteries on my...

Wait a moment. You get tuxedos?

Yes. And you get...

High school theater costumes?

Hey, it's all the past.

We decided to go with the ' s.

Yes, but one of you is from the
s and one from the s.

Really? Which one am I?

Look,
we're kind of in a pinch here.

See, there was this swordfish,

and when we tried to use
the battery it was dead.

The battery, not the swordfish.

So we're just wondering if it would
be possible for us to use your...

- They're on the move.
- Copy that.

Hey! Why don't we get earpieces?

We're standing right
next to each other.

- Yeah, so were they!
- Oh, come on.

But be sure to add a little
margarine to the butter.

- That way it won't burn.
- Yeah?

- [grunts]
- Wait! So when do I add the flour?

[both grunting]

[chuckles smugly]

[groans]

Well, you got to admit

this is a much cooler
mission than we have.

[Dakota] Oh, look at that.
It's like a pen key.

- [beeping]
- [Dakota] Spiffy.

Oh, he's an art lover.

Ooh,
secret panel for hidden safes.

Oh, come on!
They get all the good stuff.

Look,
if it's not too much trouble,

we would like to borrow your
inter-temporal communicator.

It's extremely important.

[imitating] Oh, extremely important.

Important is saving the world,

preserving the future,
stopping World w*r .

What happened to
World w*r and ?

- You're welcome.
- Nice.

Say, you think it's
possible that a guy like me

and a girl like you...

[groans]

You know, all this does
is make me like you more.

- Got it.
- Lars, bring the car around.

[Cavendish] Your time
vehicle is a limousine?

Of course. What do you have?

[stammers] Well, you know.
It's just...

It's just different.

[chittering]

[Brick] Next stop,
Dr. Grueber's lab, October .

Finally, a bite!

Hey!

[grunts]

Whoa!

[grumbles]

Yeah, okay.
Murphy's Law, real thing.

Maybe we should
try another spot.

Oh, the humanity! [screams]

So, how was your
fishing, Dolores?

- [motor whirs]
- Good girl.

Don't worry.
We've always got a backup plan.

[Martin] There. You see?

[Zack] Whatever can go wrong...

[Milo] Will go wrong.

You know, you really shouldn't
mix your South American

and your African cichlids.

I made that mistake once.
Cost me $ .

I don't see why you lot
get all the good stuff.

Where's my limo?
Where's my fish t*nk?

Where's my attractive partner?

Hey! I'm sitting right here.

Look, Cavendish,
you're barely even agents.

You are the lowest of
low-level government employees,

paired together because
no one else will have you.

You were given the most
inconsequential mission possible,

to save the pistachio,
a green nut,

only because our boss liked them when he
was a kid, before they became extinct.

So, if you don't want to
lose your jobs altogether,

you better get back to work and make darn
sure the pistachio survives until .

- Now hold on just one minute!
- [exclaiming]

Please tell me it didn't just
go into the water system.

It went into the water system.

Do you have any idea
what you've just done?

[rumbling]

[roaring]

[Cavendish] Your time
vehicle is a limousine?

Of course. What do you have?

[stammers] Well, you know.
It's just...

It's just different.
You know what?

- Let's just get in the car.
- [Savannah] Oh no, you don't.

- You're not getting in that car again.
- Why? What?

You already went back in time with
us once and screwed everything up.

Don't worry.
We went back and fixed it.

But there's no way we're
letting you go muck it up again.

You look great in that
dress, by the way.

You've been working out.

You know I have.

Wait. We're time travel
agents just like you.

Why do we not get...

We don't have time to
explain this again.

Talk to the boss.

[beeping]

Cavendish? What do you want?

Mr. Block, sir!

We were hoping to get
a different assignment.

One more saving-the-world based

and less nut related.

Well, I'm looking at this can of mixed
nuts and, hmm, I don't see any pistachios.

You two were given the most
inconsequential assignment we could find

and you still always
manage to muck that up.

So, until I see some green nuts in
this can, you're on pistachio duty.

Now, get back to work!

Their limo smells
like peppermint.

[Milo] We can use these scuba
tanks to propel the ship.

One on starboard, one on port,

so that way we can steer.

Knock on wood.

[whooshing]

You gotta be kidding me!

See? See?

[all scream]

Well, at least we're moving now.

Now you believe me?

We're heading straight for that
container ship from Tunisia!

And the steering wheel's broken.

Hang on, Dad. I've got an idea.

Look on the bright side.

My entire career has been
one big inconsequential joke.

Where is the bright side?

The pistachio shipment
is here and unharmed.

Here, Dad. Wrap this
around the steering column.

Come on, guys.

- Everybody, lean!
- [creaking]

Come on, Dad.

[both grunting]

Milo, it's working.

Comin' in hot. Everyone hold on!

Hey, at least it
can't get any worse.

[screaming]

[all screaming]

May I take your order?
Who's hungry?

Yeah, I could eat.

That's that Milo Murphy
I was telling you about.

Every time our pistachios get
ruined, he's there.

- Every time.
- No.

And he almost took out
the shipment just then.

That's preposterous.

Whoa!

See?

But that would mean... [gasps]

He's trying to stop us.

He's trying to ruin our mission.

Dakota, what we are doing
here is not inconsequential.

If it's important enough to send
a counter-agent, it must be vital.

Hey, now,
you're getting a little...

We are not just
nut-guarding nobodies.

We are secret-spy somebodies
with our very own counter agent.

Well,
I guess things are looking up.

Just look at him over there,

plotting our demise.

I sure love cheese fries.

Oh, this is not
over, Milo Murphy.

Not by a long sh*t.

They're fries with cheese!

♪ It's my world and
We're all livin' in it ♪

♪ We're all livin' in it ♪

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ Oh, thanks,
Everybody That is so motivational ♪

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I'm not sitting here
Watching the world turn ♪

♪ You know I'd rather spin it ♪

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go ♪

♪ It's my world and
we're all livin' in it ♪