02x16 - April Fools

[bunniefuu]

- (SIGHS)
- Hey.

How was lunch?

Oh, well, your dad wanted to go

to the Chinese buffet.

It was all-you-can-eat,

and we took that as a challenge.

(CHUCKLES) It was like the w*r.

I went into the jungle
innocent and hopeful,

and I came out just
looking for a bathroom.

And we blame you.

Hey, before I pulled in,

I asked, "Are we really doing this?"

And I got nods from you and you.

We all knew what we were getting into.

What's this?

Oh, that got delivered
while you were out.

Ooh, let's see what we got.

(ADAM AND ANDI SCREAM)

(KIDS LAUGH)

KATE AND TEDDY AND EMME: April fools!

(LAUGHS)

You almost scared the
all-you-can-eat out of me.

Hey, Dad started it.

Look what he did to us.

Yeah, this morning I hit 'em
with the old sneaker snake.

- Ah.
- But guys, listen,

I want to have a serious
discussion with you

about this April Fools' stuff.

That's right.

I am so proud of you.

ANDI: What?

No, no, don't encourage that.

Oh, come on, it's just
good, clean family fun.

We've been pranking
each other for years.

Yeah, I taught your
dad everything he knows.

Remember the time I sewed the
legholes of your underwear shut?

(LAUGHING): Yeah.

I hopped around for
minutes and finally got one leg

- through the flap hole in the front.
- (LAUGHS)

How about the time you put
the fake dog poop on my bed?

We didn't have the
money for fake dog poop.

What?

Oh, you still got it.

- He still got it.
- Ah.

DON: Having a little prank w*r

with the kids, huh?

Yeah, you're living the dream.

Ah, see? I'm not the only
one who likes this stuff.

I go through this with you every year,

and I still don't
understand why you like it.

Well, I don't know. It's fun.

You love fun. You're fun-loving.

You know, like Marcy used to be.

I was fun,

but then something made me tired.

Well, there's just got
to be more of a reason

than just fun.

Look, not everything
has a deeper meaning.

It's those books you read.

You got to get out
of the self-help aisle

and come join the rest of
us over by the comic books.

Last time I took you to a bookstore,

you laid on the floor
like a five-year-old.

(LAUGHS)

It was boring.

Look, I think the problem
is you don't like pranks

because of that little
thing with your sister.

- That was not a little thing.
- (GROANS)

All right, when I was seven,

my sister told me that
my room was haunted

by the ghost of a lady with a hook hand.

Oh.

She lost her wedding ring

'cause it kept sliding off the hook.

And she would sneak
into my room every night

and search for it.

That's ridiculous.

- Who would marry a lady with a hook hand?
- ANDI: Okay.

Anyway, then my sister would come in

while I was sleeping
and open all the drawers,

just like a hook-handed ghost would do.

And that's why I used to wet the bed,

not because of some social issue, Mom.

Yeah, but that's because

your sister did it wrong.

You were too young for a scary prank.

No one's gonna laugh at that.

Well, you laughed the
first time I told you.

But that... but that's
because you told it funny.

You're a great storyteller.

You know, back when we were dating,

Don used to fake
propose to me at dinner.

I'd get down on one knee
at the table, and I'd say,

"Darling, will you spend the rest of...

- these nachos with me"
- "These nachos with me?"

Mom, something's wrong with my mouth.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

- April fools.
- April fools.

(DON, TEDDY AND ADAM LAUGH)

Wait, what?

We got you.

That's joke shop toothpaste.

You were right, her face was funny.

I just thought your teeth were
so surprised to see a toothbrush

that your mouth exploded.

That is a classic. Me and my
dad got my mom with that one.

Oh, so this was your idea.

Hey, this is some beautiful,

intergenerational magic here.

How can you like The
Lion King and not this?

Okay, don't talk about
The Lion King to me,

because you, sir, are no Mufasa.

Okay?

Now, come on, let's
go get you cleaned up.

I'll help.

I'm good at getting blood out of things.

Don always forgets how tall he is.

That's a shame, but it's not your fault

you got the one gal who
wet her bed over pranks.

I think I can turn her around.

I don't know. Once a bed
wetter, always a bed wetter.

No, she hasn't done
that since she was a kid.

A-And one time on an airplane
when I was tickling her.

Hmm. Yeah.

Look, all I'm saying is
we all love pranks, right?

But Andi thinks she doesn't

because her sister screwed her up.

So I just need to find one
that she thinks is funny,

and she'll see that she's wrong.

Yeah.

If there's one thing wives love,

it's being taught a lesson.

Look, we got to think
of a fun prank for Andi.

Something lighthearted to ease her in.

Hmm. She loves animals.

So throw a fish in the tub with her.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Uh, no, thanks.

I think I'll stay married.

Joy, Rudy, what's going on?

I'm annoyed. And I was
having a perfectly good day.

- Which is rare.
- Rudy.

And what shows up

in my mailbox for the
third month in a row?

- Your redneck racecar magazine.
- Yeah.

You know,

I am so tired of walking over here.

Why don't you just change the address?

Joy, if I did that,
we wouldn't have this.

Now, tell you what, honey,
why don't you run home?

I'll stay here and yell at Adam.

Okay, but don't be
afraid to get personal.

You can start with
that shirt he's wearing.

That is the ugliest shirt I've ever seen

in my entire life!

She bought me the same
shirt for Christmas.

So how long does she
expect you to yell at me?

I can stretch it out about minutes.

That is three beers if
we focus. Come with me.

Come on.

Check out Adam's well-behaved kids.

There's a real Children
of the Corn vibe, huh?

Okay, there's no vibe.

They just respect me as a parent.

Oh!

(KIDS LAUGHING)

We got you, Dad.

Oh, you sure did.

I don't know if it's pride
or the beer in my eye,

but I'm tearing up.

Hey, you taught us well.

That was pretty impressive.

I wonder how they knew
which one would be your beer.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

Okay, I see what they did.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, here she comes.

Hey, kids, how about a snack?

(DOOR OPENS)

- Hey, honey.
- Hey.

I, uh, just made the kids some cereal.

(LAUGHING)

See, I froze it.

Your children are
disappointed and confused.

That's fun.

I'm sorry, Adam.

I-I want to love it, but I just don't.

Kind of like quinoa.

All right.

All right. Uh, here.

How about a cup of tea
as a peace offering.

- Huh? Yeah.
- Aw, that's sweet. Thank you.

(ADAM AND KIDS LAUGH)

Mommy got owned.

See, you thought you were getting tea,

- but it's frozen, too.
- Yes.

Yes.

Yes, I get it.

You've been home all day

freezing things your family loves.

(LAUGHS)

Uh, guys, I want to talk
to Daddy for a minute.

I don't hate this.

Okay, maybe you're not appreciating

the thoughtfulness here.

See, I know that every time you
come home from grocery shopping,

you make yourself tea.

And I also know

that you take the tea bag
out before you drink it.

So if you think about it,

it's like a love letter.

Okay, Adam, I need you to understand

how I feel about this. Okay?

I hate pranks like...

you hate country western line dancing.

Ooh, I hate that so much.

I know, which is why we don't do it

even though I am never more alive

than when I'm dancing in a line

to a song about whiskey and mud flaps.

I love it, but I respect that you don't.

Then let's not talk about it.

I don't even like talking about it.

But if we're gonna do things

that the other person doesn't like,

then I don't have to
respect that anymore.

I can go right upstairs

and snap you into your cowboy shirt.

You wouldn't.

Oh, I would. Yeah.

So please play another prank,

because I really want
to go line dancing.

Geez, you play rough.

ADAM: Okay, come on, guys.

Grandpa will be here any minute

to take you to school.

Hey, Dad, you really got us good

- with that cereal thing.
- (LAUGHS)

Oh, yeah, we wanted to show
you there were no hard feelings,

so we got you

this million-dollar lottery scratcher.

Good luck, Daddy.

Guys, come on. Huh?

You don't give someone who
doesn't even do scratchers

a scratcher in the
middle of a prank w*r.

I know this is one
of those fake winners.

Huh? (CLICKS TONGUE)

Dang it. You're too good.

Well, I didn't want to say
it, but I'm glad you did.

(DOOR OPENS)

All right, let's go.

All right, thanks for
taking the kids to school.

Oh, you're my boy.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

(CHUCKLES) Nice try, Dad.

"Danger: gas leak." Boy.

If that isn't the pot
calling the kettle black.

Well, I had to give it a sh*t.

I mean, we're the Burns family.
We've been accusing each other

of gas leaks since
the Pilgrims came over.

You've got to get up pretty
early to out-prank me.

All right, have a good day, kids.

(LAUGHING)

You got to get up really
early to out-prank me.

Seriously, I can't sleep past : a.m.

Old age... that's God's prank.

Man, I was just at the bank,

and everyone was smiling at me.

I think people are getting nicer.

Well, no.

Try cutting out dairy.
That worked for me.

Oh. Dad distracted
me with the first sign

so I'd fall for this one.

Yesterday he put a bouillon
cube in my shower head.

I tried to cover up the
soup smell with cologne,

but I just smelled like
a chicken going on a date.

So the old man got both of us.

You know, he can put all this together,

but he can't remember
where he parked at the mall.

I know Andi said no more pranks,
but we got to get him back.

I can help. I'm quite the
mischievous prank artist myself.

I once switched my wife's lotion

from lavender to violet.

- Get out.
- Yeah.

Had she noticed the difference,

it would have been pretty wild.

Sure. Yeah. You know,

Dad loves scratchers,

and my kids tried to give me
a fake winner this morning.

Oh, that's good. He's
got a bunch lying around.

We can slip the fake one into
the pile and wait for the fun.

Okay, great.

So after work, we'll grab it
and then head over to his place.

This is so weird.

I remember leaving that
lottery scratcher right here.

- Hey, honey.
- Hey.

I have to tell you, it is really nice

- to be in a prank-free house.
- Oh.

So thank you for respecting how I feel.

Ah.

I'd thank you in a handsier
way, but your brother's here.

I could turn around.

Oh, I'm not falling for that again.

Hey, uh, did you

by any chance see a lottery
scratcher lying around?

Oh, yeah. I gave it to Joy.

What?

Yeah, well, I got her a card
to apologize for your magazines,

and I... you know, I put it
in as a token of good will.

I just dropped it in her mailbox.

That is so thoughtful.

Well, it just feels good
to do good, you know?

Yeah.

Good. (LAUGHS)

- This is not good.
- No.

The only reason that scratcher was here

was because I started a prank w*r.

If Andi finds out about this,

she'll be so mad, she'll
make me put on chaps.

Okay. I don't need to hear how
you guys work your stuff out.

Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

- Andi just put it in Joy's mailbox, right?
- Yeah.

So all we got to do is
get it out of the mailbox

before Joy sees it, and we're home free.

- Now you're thinking.
- Yeah.

That means no yelling,
no stupid line dancing.

I mean, if I'm dancing,
I do my own thing.

I go where my hips lead me.

You know what I mean?

One for you, one for you,
one for you, one for you.

All right, let's just get the
scratcher out of the mailbox

before Joy finds it.

- Is it in there?
- Yeah, yeah, I see it at the bottom.

All right, reach in.

I'd do it, but my hands are
too big. You have dainty hands.

I don't have dainty hands.

I'm normal-sized. You're
the one who looks like

he should be swatting
airplanes out of the sky.

Okay, I feel the card, okay?

It's coming. It's coming.

- And my hand's stuck. My hand's stuck!
- All right. All right.

Don't panic. We're
two intelligent adults.

I have an idea.

What? Ow!

Ow!

Okay, that did not work.

- Cross it off the list.
- Okay.

Let's just unbolt the whole
thing, bring it to my house, and

we'll take it apart. Grab my Leatherman.

- It's in my back pocket. I can't reach it.
- Well, no.

I'm not touching your butt.
This is a family neighborhood.

Will you please?!

- I got my hand stuck in a mailbox here.
- Right.

Don't flex it. You're
making the pocket tight.

Just relax and let it happen.

(GRUNTS)

What are you doing
with my mailbox?

I figured, this way, if
Joy sees hers is missing,

you can say there's a
mailbox thief on the loose.

You know what? Don't freelance.

Aha! I got it. What?

Wait. This isn't Andi's thank you note.

It's a renewal card from my magazine.

Oh. That means Joy
already has the scratcher.

- (SIGHS)
- I told you this wouldn't work.

You never said that.

Now I got to go in there
and come clean with Andi

before Joy thinks she
won a million dollars.

Come on. Let me do the talking.

- Bringing the mailbox, right?
- No! No!

Put that down.

Andi. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, good. Everyone's here.

Adam, we're rich!

Great. I'm so happy for you, I
need to be alone. Come on, Don.

Wait. No. Wait, wait, wait. Honey,

you are not gonna believe this.

Okay, you know that
scratcher I gave Joy?

Never heard of it.
This is all new to me.

I don't know about Adam, though.

We won a million bucks!

Yeah. I bought a boat.

It's so big, it's got a
little boat attached to it.

And I...

I quit my job.

I said all kinds of things to my boss.

Religious, I got a little racial.

I b*rned bridges!

Oh. Oh, that's good to hear.

Can I... can I talk to you for a second?

What's going on?

Joy and Rudy won a million dollars!

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

This is gonna change our life.

We can move out of this
crappy neighborhood.

RUDY: Yeah.

Yeah, somebody stole our mailbox.

And since you gave us this scratcher,

we want to give you $ , of it.

What?! (GASPS)

$ , ? We're millionaires!

Uh, Andi, I need to talk to you.

I-I-I... I really need
to talk to you right now.

Oh. Okay.

So, about this mailbox thief...
I was at the movies all day.

- What's going on?
- Joy's scratcher is a fake.

- What?!
- Shh!

Talking loud defeats the whole
purpose of coming over here!

Joy's scratcher was a
prank. You got to help me.

This will devastate Joy and
Rudy, and it's all your fault.

Why should I help you?

Because if Joy kills me,

you're gonna have to raise
our children by yourself,

and that will be exhausting!

- Adam.
- Well, okay.

You were right, okay? I screwed up.

I should have listened
to you. Pranks aren't fun.

But if you please help me out
here, I will never do one again.

- Good.
- Okay.

Because April fools. (LAUGHS)

ALL: April fools!

This was all a prank?
You pranked me?

And me.

I-I think?

I don't really know what's going on.

So I knew

you couldn't quit on your own,

so I had the kids
bring you the scratcher.

Which we knew you wouldn't fall for.

And because you never put anything

in the actual garbage can,

I knew you'd leave it lying around.

So we told Mom where you left it.

And then I grabbed it, and
told you that I gave it to Joy.

See, I used all the things
that I know about you, so,

if you think about it...

it's like a love letter.

(LAUGHS, MUTTERS)

Okay, this is the last
of it. Fake toothpaste.

Oh. Bug in the ice cube. (LAUGHING): Oh.

Aw. And this one
hurts... Snakes in a can.

Oh.

Hey, well, I'm proud of you,

but I still don't get why
you like this stuff so much.

And don't say it's because it's fun.

Look, it's just a thing I
always loved doing with my dad.

Most of the time if
he was talking to me,

he was mad about something,

but when we were doing
pranks, we were laughing.

And when he'd put pudding
in my baseball glove,

yeah, it was funny, but it also meant

that he knew I liked baseball.

And pudding.

- Yeah, I was husky for a while.
- Mm.

So in a way, it's how he
told you that he loved you.

(GASPS)

I knew it was deep! Ha!

The self-help aisle
is making a comeback!

All right, all right. Nobody
likes a touchdown dance.

Well, I know that you
love me and the kids

because you say it all the time, okay?

So please don't show
it with pranks anymore.

All right, you got it.
It's all in the trash now.

Okay, good. All right, well,
I'm gonna make us a cup of tea...

- Mm.
- Now that I know it's safe again.

(LAUGHS)

I f... I forgot about that one.

(LAUGHING): I put a
rubber band on the sprayer.

I'll just go find my cowboy hat.

Adam, we're gonna be late. Come on!

(LAUGHTER)

I did that. I dressed him.

- You look like Roy Rogers' wife.
- (LAUGHTER)

You told me nobody would be here.

Huh. I guess I do like pranks.

Come on, let's go.

Just relax and let it happen.