02x07 - Thirty-One and Done

[bunniefuu]

Okay, party people.

Chelsea will be here any second.

Does anyone want to help me?

I'd help, but I don't want to.

[gasps] Here she comes!

Hit the deck! [grunts]

Happy birthday!

[shrieks] Is it my birthday?

I totally forgot.

[gasps]

- Happy birthday, Chelsea.
- Happy birthday, Chelsea.

- Happy birthday, Chels.
- Happy birthday.

Aww.

A homemade card from five adults.

How thoughtful.

There's a $
Hollister gift card in there.

[gasps] In that case, I will keep it.

[laughs]

I've got loads of neat-o
birthday surprises

set up throughout the day.

But first, make a wish.

What does someone wish for
who has everything?

Aren't you still a size ?

Eat my [bleep], Deb.

[whispers] Please make me a size .

[blows, laughs]

I'm not gonna eat that, though.

Okay, I didn't plan on it.

[rock music]

- Oh, my God!
- [rhythmic beeping]

How did this happen?

This is the end of days.

[beeping]

I can't teach a lesson
on Colonial America

without handouts.

I'm good, but I'm not God.

I'm teaching vocabulary today.

What am I supposed to do?

Write words on the whiteboard?

Have all the kids take out paper?

Pencils?

Have them copy all the words
from the whiteboard?

Erase the whiteboard? This is insane!

Is there a manual?

[manual thuds]

Yep. We [bleep].

Roses are red. Violets are blue.

Ms. Snap is the prettiest teacher,

much prettier than any of you.

We celebrate her today
as one of the greats.

Anyone would be lucky
to have her skinny traits.

Happy birthday, Ms. Snap.

I am so touched that you wrote that.

You said it was %
of our writing grade.

You can sit down now, Danielle.

How old are you turning, Ms. Snap?

Oh, how old do you think I am?

?

[laughs] Very funny, Kyle.

She's not .

Thank you, Danielle.

Her skin just looks old

'cause she has lots of sun damage.

She's probably .

Wait, what?

I think she's .

That's how old my Aunt Kim is.

She wears the same clothes as Ms. Snap.

She calls them her truck stop dresses.

Okay, what is going on right now?

Is this some sick joke?

I'm telling you, she's .

Look at the neck.

It's like a tree. Each ring is a year.

One, two...

That is it.

No one is gonna have recess today.

Everyone take out your workbooks!

[gasps]

Wait. Why does it say you're ?

Because that's how old I am, Tina!

Since Ms. Watson
couldn't make copies today,

we're all going to take turns

looking at this vocabulary list,

learn what we can,

and then pass it on, okay?

Why don't you just write
the words on the whiteboard?

Did your mother
drive you to school this morning

in a horse and buggy?

No.

Then don't expect me
to write on a whiteboard.

Read it and pass it on, Marco.

"Press the release lever.

Adjust the side fences
to the paper size."

Okay.

Now, does anyone know
what that means? Hmm?

Why are we reading
the "Kopy King User Guide"

instead of "Shiloh"?

Because we're trying to find out

what's happens to Mr. Copier.

Ooh.

[light jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Hey, why don't we...

[exhales sharply] Yeah, I got nothing.

♪ ♪

Thanks for sharing that
cool pigeon feather, Tracy.

It really opened up a neat
discussion about disease.

Okay! Blake.

What did you bring
for show-and-tell today?

Uh, well, you told me to bring my dad.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

Nope.

So, uh... [chuckles]

I guess that's my cue.

Ms. Bennigan.

Okay, everyone.

I am Blake's dad.

I'm not really sure
what I'm supposed to show...

[laughing]

Or tell...

Uh, but does anyone have
any questions for me?

Yes.

You're a dad.

Why aren't you at work?

I'm a stay-at-home dad.

That's not a real job.

[chuckles] Well, actually it is.

Uh, being a stay-at-home parent

is one of the toughest jobs
that there is,

after being a teacher, of course.

[gasps]

But that's not all that I do.

How I actually earn my living

is by running a nonprofit
animal rescue out of my house.

[whispers] Hot Animal Rescuer.

There are doors within doors.

This is some straight-up Narnia sh*t.

My kids thinks I'm .

Can you believe it?

In the right overalls,

I can still buy a child's movie ticket.

Don't let them get you down.
Kids lack perspective.

Today I had a student tell me

I look like Fantine from "Les Mis."

[chuckles]

Chelsea, you've got
nothing to worry about.

You look exactly your age.

That is literally the rudest thing

anyone has ever said to me.

[sighs] On the bright side,

at least I'm younger than all you hos.

[chuckles]

Wait, Cecelia, how old are you?

.

- Caroline?
- .

- Feldman?
- .

- Mary Louise?
- Please don't make me say it.

- Mary Louise?
- .

I'm so sorry, Chelsea.

I wish I'd never been born.

Okay. [laughs]

You have to be older than me.

You're so bitter.

Just wait until I'm your age.

Oh, my God.

When did I become the old guy
with goggles from 'NSYNC?

You. I have to be younger than you.

You got me, bitch.

I'm .

Oh, thank God.

I wouldn't get so excited.

You're the one with a chin hair

hanging off your face.

[dramatic music]

[gasps]

And that's not the only place
you'll get them.

♪ ♪

Welcome to the dark side.

♪ You're another year older ♪

Not now, Josiah!

[sobbing]

- Get out of my way.
- I'm getting that DVD player.

- Like hell you are!
- Feldman, no!

Seriously, I need that DVD player!

Aww. You snooze you lose.

Great.

What are we supposed to do now?

[cart clattering]

[dramatic musical flourish]

both: Art!

Cecelia!

I need to talk to you!

No, I need to talk to you!

Come on! I'll buy you kale chips!

I'll start recycling!

Sorry I'm early,
but I need a place to hide.

[harp glissando]

[exotic percussive music]

What happened to you?

Nothing.

I just picked up a few things
at the mall over lunch.

Look, I know turning
is wigging you out,

but I think you're
overcompensating a little.

No, I'm not.

My looks are my everything,
and it has recently

come to my attention
that I'm a fugly old hag.

Outer beauty is fleeting, Chelsea.

There's so much more to life.

Oh, my God.

That is what they say to ugly people.

And everything I want in life
requires me to be young and hot.

Like what?

Like getting on a reality show

before I start looking
like Mickey Rourke!

Happy birthday! Happy birthday!

That again! [screams]

[screaming]

That was a great show-and-tell.

I didn't talk about

the stay-at-home parent thing too much?

No.

I think you're doing a great job

juggling so many things.

You're like the Ryan Seacrest of dads.

[chuckles] Thanks.

Although it sounds like someone

deserves a night off.

Well, easier said than done.

I was hoping to go
to this free EMT course tonight,

but my babysitter just fell through.

I can babysit.

Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.

I don't mind.

Are you sure?

You don't have other plans?

No. I have nothing.

Nothing is going on tonight.

It's not like it's my best
friend's birthday or anything.

And even if it was, who cares about her?

[laughing]

[rock music]

Why aren't we doing math?

Because my reality TV clock is ticking.

Now send in that
"Redneck Island" application.

[gasps] And tell them
I don't know who my dad is.

[tablet beeps]

It's not letting me
submit the application.

Why not?

It says you exceed the age limit.

- [tablet beeps]
- Mine says you're too old too.

Well, they can't all say that.

The "Rich Kids
of Beverly Hills" says no,

but the E! Channel
wants you for something else.

Yes!

What is it?

"Botched."

"Botched"?

"Botched" is a show about
botched plastic surgery, Kyle!

Do I look botched to you?

Don't answer that!

Okay, everyone take out
your tabloids and silent read.

[harp glissando]

Ahh!

[copier beeps and whirs]

- [beeping]
- No, no, no, no, no!

How can there be a paper jam
if there's no paper, huh?

You're ruining our lives,
you piece of sh*t!

Oh, my God! I am too rich for this!

[shredder whirring]

What are you doing?

Shredding my dreams.

Chelsea, one of the great things

about getting older is

you don't have to focus
so much on your looks.

Now it's all about your personality.

I would rather
fill my pockets with stones

and walk into Lake Michigan.

Chelsea!

- Guess what.
- What?

I'm going over to Hot Dad's tonight!

- Wait, what?
- Really?

Yeah, I'm going over to his house...

- to babysit.
- [sighs]

This could be the first day
of the rest of my life.

"How'd y'all meet?"

"Oh, I don't know, babysitting."
[chuckles]

Mary Louise, he's not going to be there.

You're babysitting.

Maybe if you show up looking hot,

you can get him to stay home.

It could work.

[voice breaking] You're still young.

Oh, my stars.

[gasps] This could be it.

I have the perfect outfit.

[laughs] Thanks, gals!

Have fun!

It's not like it's my birthday
or anything.

- [shredder whirring]
- [gasps]

My hair! My hair!

Oh, it's eating my hair!

- Oh, my God!
- It's eating me!

- Wait! No talking!
- My $ hair extensions!

[screams]

[sighing]

That was close.

What?

Okay, don't freak out.

This happened to my Samantha
American Girl doll once,

and I can totally fix it.

[gasps]

I have mom hair?

Stop staring at me, Feldman.

Sorry, Mom... ma'am... Chelsea.

Cheer up. We all made casseroles

for your birthday.

Your hair doesn't look so bad.

I like how spiky it is.

I look like Rod Stewart.

Here.

Have some sweet potato casserole.

It always lifted my spirits
on the overcast days

when we summered in Nantucket.

[sniffs] Oh, this smells like a fart.

You know what would lift my spirits?

If we got that piece of crap
copier fixed.

It's not that big of a deal.

Oh, you love that it's broken!

It's the first time

in your miserable career
as an art teacher

that any of us have actually
wanted you in our classrooms.

You probably broke it.

[all gasp] Oh, really?

It's funny you should say that,

considering I saw you
leaving the copy room

yesterday at the end of the day.

[all gasp] So?

Feldman was the first one
at the copier this morning.

[all gasp] Was I?

'Cause when I got there,
the copier was already warm

and the smell of Ralph "Lau-ren"
Midnight Romance

was mad intense. [all gasp]

Okay, first of all, it's
Ralph "Lauren," you be-atch.

Shut up! Shut up!

Do you people realize how old you sound?

You are arguing about a copier
at a casserole party!

This isn't a nursing home.

We should all be drunk
singing Selena Gomez

in an abandoned warehouse
rolling on molly!

Who's with me?

You guys are seriously gonna
hold a grudge over a copier?

Okay, drop the tudes,
and let's have fun.

Because I need to feel young now!

I think I've got something.

[crowd cheering]

[techno music]

Whoo!

What's up?

So how do you know
these people, Feldman?

Well, two of my four roomies
are still in college.

'Sup, Poopy? 'Sup, Sock? 'Sup?

How are these college students?

They look so young.

And where are their clothes?

I swear I saw a girl

who was just wearing
Band-Aids on her bosom.

Who cares?

Remember, we're all having fun,
so blend in.

Party time!

Whoo! [laughs]

Hello, boys!

♪ ♪

Ahoy, matey!

Permission to come aboard?

Oh. Permission granted.

[chuckles]

[whispers] And I'm in.

Feel free to kick back and relax.

My house is your house.

Which would make it our house.

[chuckles] Okay.

Well, uh, I should get going.

You don't want to stay?

Well, I'm going to my EMT class?

[chuckles] Right.

[chuckles]

Oh, I ordered a pizza for you guys.

Pizza, pizza.

Right.

Well, I will see you later.

- Okay.
- Okay.

[dreamy music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hot Family.

♪ ♪

What are you doing?

Ho!

Hey, Blake-o.

Want to watch a movie?

Women's studies major, huh? That's cool.

I found college to be
a very experimental time.

All right, the name of
the game is Edward Fortyhands.

You don't stop until it's all gone.

And vomiting isn't considered
a disqualification.

Wait. What if I have to pee?

[all chanting "Chug!"]

♪ ♪

[gritty electronic music]

♪ ♪

Excuse me!

Can you please play "Mambo Number "?

What?

What?

This is crazy.

She's gonna realize the man she's em

is trying to close her bookshop.

[door squeaks]

Holy macaroni!

You came back.

Yeah, I didn't wind up
going to my EMT class.

I saw a mother duck and her ducklings

stranded in the street,

so I had to stop and guide them
back to the river.

- Lucky duckies.
- [chuckles]

Well, I should probably
pack up my things and go.

Well, why don't you stay?

You already drove all this way.

Plus, the pizza hasn't even come yet.

Really?

You want me to stay?

Sure, it'll be fun.

Right, Blake?

- No.
- Great.

Oh, this is my favorite part.

[gritty electronic music]

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

I love this song!

Yes!

[thuds]

"Mambo Number !"

Lou Bega!

Hello!

Check your CDs!

[indistinct chatter]

Just so you know, I'm bi.

How do you identify?

Well, my gender identity is cis-woman.

My gender expression is androgynous.

Biologically assigned sex is female,

and sexual orientation is tri-sexual.

And I'm interested in
mild domination and bondage.

Wow.

I have never felt so unevolved.

Blake is out like a light.

I'm really happy
that you stayed tonight.

Me too.

Can I ask you a question?

Of course.

Did you ask Blake to bring me

to show-and-tell today?

Yes. No.

Maybe. Did I? I don't know.

I did.

- I did. I just lied.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm glad that you did.

[sighs]

[dreamy music]

♪ ♪

[gritty electronic music]

Whoo! Party!

Whoo!

♪ ♪

We look so good!

[laughing]

Whoo!

Whoo!

- Holy sh*t!
- [men groaning]

You've got a hair
growing out of your nipple.

Oh, my God.

- [bullhorn blips]
- Okay, party's over!

[whispers] - !

Everyone outside with your ID!

- Let's go.
- All right, IDs out.

Let me see 'em.

- [bullhorn blips]
- Go home.

[amplified] Not you, ma'am.

[melancholy piano music]

♪ ♪

[dreamy music]

Hey.

Mary Louise?

♪ ♪

[chuckles] You're awake.

Are you okay? You fainted.

Hmm?

[gasping and grunting]

- What are you doing?
- I gotta skedaddle.

No, no, no. You don't have to go.

Bye!

[smack]

[thud]

[gasps]

I have something to tell you guys.

I'm the one who broke the copier.

I jammed it while I was
trying to print flyers

for the pagan pride parade.

[laughs]

Dude, we're all hammered,
and no one cares anymore.

Plus, Poopy just hooked me up

for the Kanye Western mixer.

Who's in?

- Me!
- Yeah!

Chelsea?

I don't think so.

This day was a disaster.

It's : , my feet hurt,
and I just want to go home.

Plus, I gotta pluck my nipples.

You sure, dog?

Go.

Enjoy yourselves.

[light jazzy music]

You guys know who Lou Bega is, right?

I don't remember hangovers
hurting this much.

[moaning]

You look refreshed.

How was the rest of your night?

Great. I watched trash TV,

judged ugly babies on Facebook,

and was in bed by : .

I think I'm finally comfortable
with being in my s.

Aww. Good for you, dude.

Does this mean you're gonna
keep the hair?

No. I'm getting extensions
put in tomorrow.

I need a bangin' do for my hot bod.

I just went to make copies,
and the copier is missing.

Does anybody know where it is?

[suspenseful flute music]

all: Feel the rhythm!

Feel the rhyme!

Get on up! It's bobsled time!

I'm good.

All: Yeah!