03x01 - Go Big or Go Home

[bunniefuu]

(ELEVATOR DINGING)

Giddyup! Giddyup!

Meet Leslie Knope.

I am the pants queen!

Leslie loves whipped cream,
dancing with friends,

and working hard for the Parks
Department of Pawnee, Indiana.

Cut it out, Tom.
TOM: It never gets old.

She also loves her coworkers
at City Hall.

Ron Swanson.

Tom Haverford.

(SINGING)

Tommy Timberlake.

April Ludgate.

My mom is Puerto Rican.
That's why I'm so lively and colorful.

And Andy Dwyer.

Nailed it.

April and Andy
like each other.

But when Andy accidentally kissed
his ex-girlfriend, Ann Perkins,

April left.

Wait. April!

And he hasn't seen her since.

In the midst of all this love,
two black hats rode into town.

Scientists believe that the
first human being

who will live 150 years
has already been born.

I believe I am
that human being.

And they brought with them
some disturbing news.

Effective tomorrow morning,

the entire government will be
shut down until further notice.

What will Leslie do next?

Will April and Andy make up
and make out?

Find out this season
on Parks and Recreation.

Starting right now.

(BIRD CROWING)

(CAR HONKING)

Ron. We're back.

Bully.

LESLIE: The bankrupt government of
Pawnee has been shut down all summer,

so it's been three months
of no work, no meetings,

no memos, no late
nights, nothing.

I wouldn't wish it on
my worst enemy.

Rounding up the
team, so exciting.

I have goose
bumps. Feel.

And that's why they call
me Prince Charming.

Because I always find the glass
slipper for my Cinderella.

These are way too tight.

Well, the real Cinderella
didn't have hippo feet.

Tom, we're back.

Jeremy! Suck it!

By the way, I've been
giving away free sports bras

to the girls at Hot Dog
on a Stick.

Look, we can dance all day,
but it's time to step up.

Are you buying 4,000 rubber
nipples from me or not?

D, you have a visitor.

We back?
We're back.

All right.

Jerry.

Oh, my gosh. Look
who's here. Leslie.

The nightmare's over, Jerry.
We're going back to work.

You're not going to
need this anymore.

(SPLASH)

Come on!

I called shotgun.
Everybody heard me.

Well, I am usually
not one for speeches.

So, goodbye.

Break's over, mofos.
Okay. Here's the situation.

We are operating on a
shoestring budget.

Park services have
been slashed.

But we are all still here.

And we have a job to do.

Make the world's
biggest pizza.

No, make this town fun
for the people who live here.

Fine, but after that,
the pizza is our top priority.

No, it's not.
We're getting pizza?

April, hey, it's me,
Andy Dwyer.

This is like the 200th message
I've left you, without a response.

So, if you're trying to
tell me something,

I do not know what it is
because you won't call me back.

It is truly great to
see all of you, huh?

It's great news!

Okay. I have to run. Ben.

The bad news,

which I get to
deliver, is this.

Your only work for the time being
will be existing park maintenance.

So, that just means that
we're in maintenance mode.

Yeah!
Jerry!

Okay. See, I've spent the
last few months brainstorming.

And I have some really great ideas
and I put them in my idea binders.

I mean, they're color coded,
for God's sake.

Okay. Actually, yeah. There is
one thing that you will be doing.

Apparently, in Indiana, if you don't provide
a basketball league, people get very upset.

And quite frankly,
throw things at you and call you names.

Like Turd-boy. Whatever.

The point is I reinstated
youth basketball. Okay?

It says here you only
have money for two teams?

Yeah. They're going to
develop a great rivalry.

RON: Under my tutelage,
you will grow from boys into men,

from men into gladiators,

and from gladiators
into Swansons.

Behold!

The Swanson Pyramid
of Greatness.

I've been developing the Swanson
Pyramid of Greatness for years.

It's a perfectly calibrated recipe
for maximum personal achievement.

Categories include...

Capitalism. God's way of determining
who is smart, and who is poor.

Crying. Acceptable at
funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Rage. Poise. Property rights.

Fish, for sport only,
not for meat.

Fish meat is practically
a vegetable.

RON: Haircuts. There are three
acceptable haircuts.

High and tight. Crew cut.
Buzz cut.

Are the scissors broken
in your house, son?

ANN: So, are you happy
to be back at work?

Well, our budget's been
slashed to zero.

I tried to buy fertilizer the
other day for the soccer field.

Request denied.

We literally can't buy...
(BLEEP)

I'm so sorry.

No. I mean, look,
when we were kids,

the Parks Department
would do these big projects.

Winter Jamboree,
the Harvest Festival.

It's like they don't have
faith in us anymore.

I'm not a paper pusher, Ann.

I need to be out in the streets,
planting trees and cracking skulls.

Leslie Knope. Ann Perkins.

How are my two favorite
people in this entire town?

LESLIE: Not good, Chris.

There was a whole line
of people in my office

complaining that all their
programs have been slashed.

Yeah, I know, it's terrible.
Is there anything we can do about that?

No.
Damn! Sorry, Leslie.

Ann, could I talk to
you for a minute?

So, how's it going?

Save it. Okay? I know you don't
have faith in me and my department,

and that's fine.

But don't expect me to sit
here and chitchat with you.

All right. Fair enough.
Go the other way.

But I'm just going to that...
All right, I'II...

Look. I'm very flattered. But again,
I don't think I should go out with you.

Can I ask you why not?

Because I thought we had a great time
the night you got drunk and kissed me.

And you did use
your tongue.

I just don't think I'm in a place
to go out with anyone right now.

Okay. Well, if you change your mind,
you know where to find me, Ann Perkins.

Leslie Knope.
Yes.

Did he ask
you out again?

He did. He did.
He is nothing if not persistent.

And hot. He's very...
He's pretty hot.

Yeah, he's hot.
But he's intense.

But he's really, really hot.
But he's your boss.

Oh, my God. I just thought of an idea
of how we can save the Parks Department.

Great.
Let me ask you one question.

Would you be cool doing
things that a prost*tute does?

Minus the money?

Definitely yes, then.
Thanks, Ann.

Looking sharp. Beautiful.
The backboard is your friend.

(YELLING)

I'd say my coaching style is
centered around fundamentals,

with an emphasis on fun.

Hey, watch this.

Go get it.
Yeah!

And a second emphasis
on mental.

Yeah, it can be hard work.

But every time I look one of these kids
in the eyes and he calls me Coach...

That's how I know I
agreed to be a coach.

ALL: Mouse Rat!
Mouse Rat!

Carnage!
ALL: Carnage!

Okay, gentlemen.
It's time for the pre-game coin toss.

There's no coin toss in basketball.
Are those women's sneakers?

Yes, they are, Ron.
You know what?

They fit better, I got an employee
discount, and the best part is

no one can tell.

TOM: All right, let's do this.

Match point. Touchdown.
Et cetera.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Yeah. Go, Lightning.
All right.

Okay. I like what you're wearing,
but I need it to be 300% sexier.

Do you have any of those shirts
that look wet all the time?

Or, like, a
metal bikini?

You know what's always
sexy? Fingerless gloves.

What about if I wear this
normal, sane outfit?

Yeah. Okay, but you're going to
have to eat something sexy, then.

Like a banana.
For dinner?

Well, what's sexy
food? Asparagus?

No, you know what's sexy?

Turkey chili.

Yeah.

And how exactly am I supposed to
casually steer the conversation

towards the Parks
Department budget?

Okay. It's totally easy.

Tell you what. You be Chris. I'll
be you. I'll show you how it's done.

Okay.

Ann Perkins. You are wonderful and
amazing and I'm happy to be here with you.

Thank you, Chris. I'm wearing a tuxedo
vest with no shirt on underneath.

Can I get you a drink? I love
every single beverage in the world.

I would like some wine.

And... Oops, my vest
popped open.

Just like the budget
needs to pop open

and you need to pour it
into my Parks Department.

Great.

I am so excited that you finally
agreed to go out with me.

What a magnificent
flip-flop.

You're a magnificent
asker-outer.

Tell me every single
detail of your day.

I love dates.

I love connecting with
someone. I love engaging them.

I love being surprised by them.
I have never had a bad date.

They've all been either great
or phenomenally great.

Nurses are the most undervalued
members of our society by far.

I think all of you should make as
much money as the CEO of Google.

Wow. Thank you. I agree.

Can I ask you a question?

Why am I so positive
all the time?

Yes, that's exactly
the question.

I was born with a
blood disorder.

And my parents were told that
I had three weeks to live.

And here I still am,

some 2,000-odd weeks later,

and I have enjoyed
every one of them.

I think it's going well.
He's actually a really nice guy.

LESLIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
So, have you asked him yet about the money?

It's a date, you know?

It's kind of hard to casually
bring up the Parks budget

when you're talking about
your favorite movies.

LESLIE: Jurassic Park. Parks are so
great. The Parks Department needs money.

I just did it in three moves.

Well, then, why don't you just
come here and do it yourself?

Okay.
Holy crap!

What? Chris and Ann,
what are you two doing here?

We are on a date.
And it is going phenomenally.

Thanks, but I'll stay
for just one drink.

I am so happy I ran into you, because
I wanted to speak to you about...

BEN: Well, well, well.

Ben. What a fun surprise.

That's right, you were coming
here tonight on a date.

And hey, Leslie is joining you on
this wonderfully romantic occasion.

How about that?
CHRIS: Fantastic!

It is.

Can I talk to you?
Sure.

What are you doing here? BEN: Just
confirming a suspicion I had, Leslie.

What are you talking about?
I had nothing to do with this date.

They're both so beautiful. They probably
just want to see each other naked.

Okay. Well, I know what you're trying to do,
and you're not that good at being sneaky.

Yes, I am.
No, you're not.

I'm great at being sneaky.
BEN: Clearly, you're not.

Hey. You guys, let's all have dinner
together. The more the merrier.

Great.
Great.

ANDY: Great job, guys. Yep.

All right, Eric. Taking
a rest, or are you hurt?

Taking a rest? Smart.

Destroy them, gentlemen.
Feel no sympathy.

TOM: Yes, Ron Swanson is
dating my ex-wife, Wendy.

Big deal. My girlfriend, Lucy,
is the sexiest woman in town.

She's Cuban, she's
got tattoos,

and she's into me,

which, as far as I'm concerned,
is the sexiest quality a woman can have.

Oh, I have an idea.
You know what would be really fun?

After dinner, we should take a
walk by the pond in Ramsett Park.

Walking in parks can
be very romantic.

Yeah, too bad the park's
always closed, though.

Okay. Well, you two
are on a date.

So, Leslie and I should
probably get going.

Well, I'm actually having
a good time with everyone.

Chris?
Me, too.

I'm having a
fantastic time.

What do you say we take this whole
" date-plus-two- other-people" thing

up into the stratosphere?

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

This place is outstanding!

Great call, Leslie Knope.
Thanks.

CHRIS: Look.
Even Ben's dancing.

That's the way to sh**t the
ball, Chignoli. Hustle back.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

That's a foul!
What? On whom?

Your team. Number 50.
He was double dribbling.

He's on defense.
Exactly.

That's a technical
difficulty.

So, that means Andy's team throws the
ball from the stripey thing. Let's go!

"The stripey thing"?

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, there,
how's it going?

Great, thanks.

Can I buy you a drink?

I'm very flattered.

But this is my stunningly
gorgeous date, Ann Perkins.

Hi.
Hi.

Sorry.
No problem.

In fact, let me buy all of you a
drink for being so welcoming today.

Waiter!

I think I may
actually like Chris.

On the house, Leslie.
Thank you.

I'm sort of a gay hero.

Last year, I married two penguins at the zoo,
and it turned out they were both gay.

Penguin wedding?
Mm-hmm.

That's cute.
It was so cute.

But enough about
how cute it was.

Why don't you think
I should have the money?

Good Lord. Really?

Look. When I was 18 and I
became mayor of my hometown,

I used every last dollar we had to
open a giant winter sports complex.

Called it Ice Town.

And it turned out great
and everyone loved it.

Yeah, kind of. It was never completed,
and I got impeached.

The newspaper headline was, "Ice
Town Costs Ice Clown His Town Crown."

They were big into rhymes.

Well, I don't know.
I think Ice Town sounds great.

And the point is,
at least you tried something.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

TOM: Foul!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Foul on number three for taking
a number two on number four.

Roughing the passer!

Double dribbling!
That's a foul!

That's a foul for touching
the basketball.

What are you going to do about it?
Nothing. You fouled. You can't do anything.

Okay. You're ejected.
You're ejected.

What's the matter there, Ron?
No players left?

Andy's team! Look at them go!

Oh, come on. Now, you're openly
cheering for the other team?

Put my boys back in.

You made me the ref.
Deal with it.

You know what?
Take this uniform off. Hey! Hey!

You don't deserve to wear it.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Ron's ejected for molesting the ref!
Yeah? I'm ejected?

Tom, what are you doing?
TOM: Yes, you are.

I'm ejecting you. You're ejected, too.
Everyone's ejected.

She's ejected?
Yeah!

(YELLS)

TOM: Go ahead, go!

Well, that's a forfeit.
Andy's team wins.

No way! We won?
(CHEERING)

Oh, man! Eat it!

Andy! Andy! Andy!
ALL: Andy! Andy! Andy!

Yeah!

Yes!

ANDY: I dedicate this victory
to April Ludgate.

It feels good. And it feels sticky.
From the Gatorade.

We're barely able to function.
We could really use that money.

Well, you know, I don't know if
it's because I'm in such a good mood

or because of the
charming Ann Perkins,

but I am going to
seriously consider that.

Really? That's great.
Mission accomplished.

Let's boogie.
Mission accomplished?

Yeah. There's a mission
that Ann had thought of.

It was both of our ideas,
but it was mostly Ann's.

LESLIE: We...

I had mentioned to Ann that it would
be fun if you two went on a date.

So, then, you could talk
about the money,

and then, you know,
maybe give it to me.

Wow.

I've just had my
first bad date.

CHRIS: Ann Perkins.

Not that sneaky.

April!

April! Where have you
been? Oh, my God.

Hey. How are you?

I'm okay. I'm dying
to see you.

I called and I texted you,
like, a billion times.

I'm sorry. I was
in Venezuela.

Really? Wow.

Across the pond.

Wow. I thought maybe I would have
heard from you at least once.

Because of what happened.

Ann kissing me? I am so sorry about that.
It was so stupid and it meant nothing.

I wouldn't worry about it.
It's totally fine.

Hey.

This is my
boyfriend, Eduardo.

No, it's not.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

That means we're
going to lunch.

How do you say, " Have a great time,
don't choke on anything"?

Bye.

Leslie asked me to do her a favor.
And I love her, so I did it.

I'm sorry, and I'm
here to eat crow.

I like you a lot.

Let's go out again.

Ann Perkins.

Budget solution number 28.

Use grazing sheep to
mow grass in parks.

Note. Tired sheep could
become food or sweaters.

Well, I got my answer.

About April. She hates me. Yeah.
And she got a boyfriend, I guess.

From some city in
Mexico. So what do I do?

Okay.
Well, when your back's against the wall

and odds are stacked
against you,

you just... You...

You swing the
hardest, damn it.

You go big or you go home.

And you don't seem like the
kind of guy who goes home.

I'm not. I don't even
really have a home.

Go get her, Andy.
Okay!

Okay, thanks, Leslie.

Okay. So, we know the people who run
this government have no faith in us.

My plan is going to change
that and bring the budget back.

And the answer's been right
in front of us the whole time.

Check your testicles?
No. Not that.

Although that is very good advice.
Looking at you, Jerry.

No. What's going to
save us is right there.

Gentlemen, I realize that times
are tough and the budget is tight.

But if the people of this
town have nothing else to do

but sit in their houses and
play video games,

then Pawnee will die.

And we refuse to
let that happen.

Now.

This town was historically
known for two things.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
Widespread obesity,

and the annual Pawnee
Harvest Festival.

People from all over Indiana
would come and gaze in wonderment

at how fat our citizens were.

And while they were here,
they would also attend the Festival,

a full week of corn mazes, hay rides,
Ferris wheels, pumpkins the size ofjeeps.

We lost that festival a few years ago,
due to another round of budget cuts.

And I propose we bring
the festival back.

With ticket sales and corporate sponsorship,
we'll earn all that money back.

And believe me,
people will come.

What if they don't?

Well,

then you eliminate the
Parks Department.

And you guys are all
on board with this.

Aye.
ALL: Yes.

LESLIE: Look, we're not
just pencil-pushers.

We are a reflection
of the community.

And we believe that we can
strengthen that community.

Because in the end,

the reason why we're all here

is to bring people together.

That, literally,

is the most moving thing
I've ever heard.

And a good idea.

Yeah, all right.

Excellent! Great!

Okay. So, everybody,
we're going to party hard for 15 minutes

and then, we're going to have
our first brainstorming session.

ANDY: Hello, April.

Do you like
the flowers?

What are you doing?

All due respect, Eduardo.
You seem like a great guy.

But I like April. And I'm coming
after her with everything I've got.

So, do you want to
go out with me?

No.

I thought you were going to say yes.
But that's okay.

Because I'll be back tomorrow
to ask you again.

And again the next day.
And the next day.

Not Friday. I have to
go visit my cousin.

But I will be back after
that to ask you again.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

You should do it.
Follow your dream.

Oh, my God. Really?
That's awesome.

I'll see you tomorrow.
(LAUGHING)