Now, after we are given the certificate,
who do you think
should speak first?
I think it should be me
and then you.
But, if you want,
it could be you and then me.
Or it could go me, you, me.
- What do you think?
- How about just you?
Thank you, Ron. Yes.
Tomorrow,
the Parks and Rec Department
is receiving a commendation
at the Indiana Statehouse
for bringing
the harvest festival back.
And although
it's purely ceremonial,
it's a huge deal for me
to go to the Statehouse.
I couldn't care less
about the commendation.
But Indianapolis is home to
Charles Mulligan's steakhouse,
the best damn steakhouse
in the damn state.
I have taken a picture of every
steak I've ever eaten there.
June 2004.
Porterhouse, medium rare,
bearnaise sauce.
January 2000.
They call this one
"the enforcer."
February '96.
The steak: Rib-eye.
The whiskey: Lagavulin 16.
The lady next to me:
A bitch.
Specifically,
my ex-wife Tammy.
Okay, this is...
this is the first time
I ever went there.
Oh, look at me.
I'm just a kid.
She's showing
some elephant pic...
Oh, la la!
Look who's fancy!
Oh, am I wearing an ascot?
I didn't notice.
Big night
at the Snakehole Lounge.
It's a launch party
for Dennis Feinstein's new fragrance:
Allergic-For men.
Pawnee's own Dennis Feinstein
is a real up-and-comer
in the world of microbrewed
perfumes and body sprays.
His ether-based perfume
"Blackout"
was named one
Maxim's top 100 ways
to trick someone into sex.
The club opens at 6:00,
event starts at 9:00.
Oh, no, no, way too late.
I will be deep
into my bath by then.
Don't let us picture that.
Ben, you gonna go?
Oh, uh, I don't think so.
Probably just gonna take it easy,
but thank you.
You know, they always ask me
to go out with them.
They're just being polite.
I move around a lot,
so the friends I make
in these cities,
they're like
Facebook friends, you know?
"Hey, Doug from Bloomington is
thinking about buying a shirt."
I mean, come on, Doug, who cares?
Okay, Tom, I want you to take Ben
and make him go
to that antihistamine party.
It's "Allergic," and forget it.
He doesn't know anybody in town.
Come on, Tom, take him under
your tiny little wing.
He's a fully grown man, Leslie.
And tonight's just not
about pleasure.
I'm schmoozing Dennis Feinstein
so I can pitch him
my new cologne, "Tommy Fresh."
Okay, well,
while you're doing that,
I want you to picture Ben
in his motel room,
all by himself with no friends,
staring at the wall.
- Deal.
- Tom.
So my band's working
on a new album.
Oh, yeah?
What's it called?
April Ludgate Is
the Best Ever, Volume One.
Shut up.
So, uh, what do you
want to do tonight?
We could watch TV
at Burly's house
or we could watch TV
at your house.
Or, I mean, we could
watch TV at best buy.
Why don't we go to Tom's thing?
That weird cologne party thing
at the Snakehole?
Oh.
I kind of forgot
that you need money
when you have a girlfriend.
Eh!
I want to treat April
like a queen,
and queens deserve flowers
and massages,
chocolate, booze,
diamonds, rubies, emeralds,
them treasure chests
full of scarves,
different kinds of lubes
that warm up
when you rub 'em on stuff.
I'm gonna give her
all that stuff and more.
Hmm, that sounds pretty awesome.
Yeah, let's do it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right. Bye.
- Bye.
I don't know.
I guess we're dating.
It's new. Whatever.
I don't like labels.
Go away.
- This?
- That would be good.
But does it say,
"Hello, general assembly,
I've come to Indianapolis
to accept your commendation"?
As much as any one dress could.
Hmm.
Leslie, I think Chris
is cheating on me.
What?
That lying bastard.
Wait.
How do you know?
I don't have any actual proof.
Oh, then I'm sure
he's not cheating on you.
And if he is, he's a monster.
And if he's not,
you guys are great together.
But if he is, I will k*ll him.
Well, we had
a really good conversation
about our relationship last week,
and he was very reassuring
that we're headed
in a good direction.
Great.
- But then he got distant.
- Oh.
And when I asked to come
visit him in Indianapolis,
he was totally weird.
He was weird.
Look, it sounds like
you're just spiraling.
But what if I'm not?
What if I'm not?
What if he has a girl up there?
I think he's cheating on me.
Wow. Okay.
Well, luckily,
I'm heading up there.
I'll... I'll invite him
out to dinner
and I'll poke around
a little bit.
Okay.
I mean, he's not gonna be able
to keep anything from me.
In high school, they used to
call me Angela Lansbury.
But that was because
of my haircut.
Hey, champ.
Hey, champ...ion.
Listen, you should
come out tonight.
The club's gonna be dope.
Plus, I'm pretty sure you
have nothing else going on.
Well, that's not totally true.
The owner of the motel
I'm staying at
said she was gonna screen
Hope Floats in the lobby.
Asked me if I wanted to watch.
Yeah. You should
probably get out of that.
I think she's gonna m*rder you.
Come on down to the Snakehole.
I'm not gonna take no
for an answer.
Okay. Yeah, no,
I'll... I'll stop by.
- Thank you.
- Cool.
Hey, you mind if I ask?
What are you gonna wear tonight?
Uh, you know,
I was probably just
gonna stick with this.
Come on, seriously.
What are you...
What are you gonna wear?
Oh, something totally different.
Probably go home
and grab something.
Cool.
If you would be willing
to just take a brief pit stop,
we could see Indiana's
second largest rocking chair.
No.
Then maybe we should take
a quick two-hour sojourn
to Dame Gervin's Misshapen
Celebrity Castle.
It's where Madame Tussaud sends
all of its failed wax figures,
and if you can figure out
who it is,
- you get to take it home.
- No.
What's wrong with you,
grouchy pants?
I've been fasting all day
to save room for Mulligan's.
Fasting's not healthy
for you, Ron.
Leslie, you need to understand,
we are heading for the most
special place on earth.
When I'm done eating
a Mulligan's meal,
for weeks afterwards,
there are flecks of meat
in my mustache,
and I refuse to clean it
because every now and then,
a piece of meat
will fall into my mouth.
Oh, I forgot to tell you,
Chris Traeger is joining us
for dinner tonight.
Please tell me he's
meeting us at the restaurant.
No.
We are picking him up.
Damn it, woman!
Welcome. I am so glad
you guys called.
This is gonna be great.
Come on in, come on in.
- Sure.
- Or we could just...
Wow!
Look at your foyer.
- It's like a spa in here.
- Exactly.
The entranceway to your house
sends a message to the world
about who you are.
And the front door provides
energy flow and opportunity.
You cannot limit that.
Yeah. Ron doesn't even
have a front door.
He won't even tell me
his address.
- Ask him where he lives.
- Where do you live?
Why?
So this is some kind of
coat closet or something?
Ah! Wow. There's a lot
of men's coats in here.
I like coats.
Could I use your bathroom
really quick?
- It's right behind you.
- Great.
Oh, the toilet seat's up.
Hey, let me get a beer
and a Pawnee sunrise.
Do you want to pay cash
or start a tab?
I... it's o... Uh, I-I know Tom.
- Tom who?
- Tom Hammen... Hammenstein.
- Haverford.
- Haverford.
He's, like, my best friend.
Hey, Freddy, this guy
says he knows Tom
and wants a drink for free.
You, uh, you have money
to pay for those drinks?
Yes.
No.
Make room for
the paying customers, huh?
Let's go, Knope!
Just one second.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, I think you might be right.
I found a women's razor
in Chris' shower
and a pink swimming cap.
Are you serious?
What the hell?
You know, it could be nothing,
but it feels like something.
I don't...
I'm coming up there.
Wait.
All right, okay.
All right, let's go.
Oh my God.
They... they just forgot to
unlock the door, that's all.
Ron, it looks like they're closed
for some kind of
health code violation.
- Aah!
- Ron, stop it! Ron?
They just boarded her up like
she was some common warehouse.
I should have been here.
What happened to the steaks
that were in there
when they closed?
Do you think they got eaten?
Why don't we go back to my place
and I'll fire up the grill?
You sure you're not expecting
company or something?
No.
What do you say, Ron?
Go back to my place
and make you some grub?
It'll be just as good as it
would have been here.
- Okay.
- Okay.
That man is a legend.
Think about all the scents
he's created.
att*ck, yearning, thickening,
itch, coma, sideboob.
Dennis Feinstein, though?
I don't know.
He should probably
change his name
to something a little more exotic
if he wants to make it
big in perfume.
Oh, his real name is Dante Fiero,
but he changed it
to Dennis Feinstein
'cause that's way
more exotic in Pawnee.
Okay.
So what's your plan?
Wait till he's alone,
then I walk up and spray him
with Tommy Fresh,
and I say, "Uh-oh.
Looks like you just
nailed your future."
Yeah. That might
actually work.
Is everything okay?
Um, it kind of sucks
that I'm super broke
and I want to buy you stuff
and it's embarrassing
that I can't, but...
I'm broke too,
and I don't want anything.
I just want to hang out with you.
Plus, I can get free drinks
anytime I want.
How?
Uh, I'm a girl in a sleazy club.
Hey.
Hey.
I hate drinking alone.
Can I get you a drink?
Sure.
Triple whiskey.
What's your name?
- Oprah.
- I'm Kevin.
Cool. I kind of
want to drink alone.
- But...
- I said I want to drink alone.
Thanks. Bye.
Here. You take this one.
I will, um, get myself
a Martini from that idiot.
So, Chris, do you
have any sisters?
No, I don't, Leslie.
Do you have sisters?
Maybe. So how's your mom?
Is she visiting?
No, she's home up in Wisconsin.
- Is your mom visiting?
- Any aunts?
- Nope. You have aunts?
- Girl cousins?
- A youthful grandmother, perhaps?
- Nope.
Did you forget
how to have a conversation?
I am so happy you guys are here.
I'm gonna go fire up the grill.
- I'm gonna k*ll him, Ron.
- Why?
Chris is cheating on Ann.
There's evidence everywhere.
She's coming up here
so they can have it out.
Ask her to bring
some garlic salt.
I'm worried
Chris doesn't have any.
I got this from a waiter.
I told him I had
a pork deficiency.
Sweet!
Pigs in a blanket.
I always wondered
why they call them that.
Look what I got.
Look what I got
from the bathroom.
Mints. Six of them.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Okay, whoever gets
the most free stuff
by the end of the night wins.
Deal.
Go!
Ron, would you like some salad?
Since I am not a rabbit,
no, I do not.
Try it.
Salad's good for you.
You got it.
Mmm, delicious.
So, Chris, what do you do up here
in your spare time?
Well, uh, I exercise,
and I exercise my mind.
And I try to keep up
on current events.
- Oh, that's what you call it.
- Sorry?
How are things going with Ann?
You know what's funny about Ann?
She's my best friend,
and anyone who'd hurt her
is someone I would m*rder
probably.
Oh, is that what's upsetting you?
Hmm?
This is very
uncomfortable for me.
I don't know what to say.
Watch the master work it.
I'm the Yoda of networking.
Well, Yoda wouldn't
actually need networking.
I mean, his powers
were more spiritual.
- Shut up, you nerd!
- I get it. Okay.
Mr. Feinstein,
Tom Haverford.
I'm the organizer of this soiree
and I'm also a huge fan of yours.
I use all your cologne,
sometimes two at once.
I don't recommend that.
Are you from the FDA?
You know, legally,
if you're from the FDA,
you have to tell me.
I wanted to talk to you
because I actually created
my own scent.
Oh, great. I'd love
to smell it, right?
- I know you're a busy guy.
- Yeah, man.
I'm crazy busy.
But all day long, people
are pitching me colognes.
That guy just pitched me
a cologne called "Sluts."
I'm gonna tell you
what I told him.
Not just anybody can do this.
Although it's a great name
and I'm probably gonna steal it.
Please, it'll take two seconds.
If you like it, maybe we
go into business together,
branch out in other states,
move over to watches
and fancy raincoats,
open up stores
in London and Paris.
I don't know.
I haven't thought it through.
But for now,
I want to present Tommy Fresh.
All right, I get it.
It's a gag scent.
Hilarious.
As in, "It's hilarious
how awesome it is"?
It smells like somebody
spilled Chinese food
in a bird cage.
Horrible.
It's assaultive.
It takes everything in my power
to not retch right now.
Kid, you need to
find another game.
Leave perfumery to the real men.
Hey, Ann, if you get this,
I don't know if you
should come up here.
He's not worth it, okay?
Just call me,
let me know where you are,
- and if you have...
- Aah!
Ron?
What in the devil's name is this?
Portobello mushrooms.
- Where's the steak?
- Oh, there's no steak.
That's a healthier option.
It's organically grown.
Lord.
Ron, are you okay?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.
Could you get us
a cold compress or something?
♪ ♪
Hey, uh, six beers
for, uh, table 12.
- Do you work here?
- Yeah.
My dad owns this place.
I'm Janet.
Janet Snakehole.
Hey! This round's
on the house!
- All right!
- Whoo!
How about some tips?
- Uh, gum or mint, sir?
- Uh, gum.
- All out, sir.
- Then mints, I guess.
Don't have those either, sir.
- Do you have anything?
- Out of everything, sir.
This is so awesome!
We are like Robin Hood.
We steal from the club
and we give to ourselves.
Look, we'll find
a 24-hour diner.
Or we can get one of those cows
that we saw on the way up here
and we'll bring it back and
we'll make steaks out of that.
Ann Perkins,
what are you doing here?
Whose pink razor
is in your shower?
Excuse me?
Leslie found a pink razor
and a pink swimming cap
in your shower.
Whose is it?
I guess you're talking
about my razor.
I shave my legs for swimming,
and women's razors work better.
For whatever reason,
men's razor technology
hasn't figured out how to
properly contour the shinbone.
And... and the swimming cap?
Indiana breast cancer
awareness triathlon 2009.
Came in fourth.
Well, I found concealer
in your medicine cabinet.
What's that about?
I'm a human being.
Sometimes I get blemishes.
I'm not perfect.
Oh, God.
I am so sorry, honey.
I'm so embarrassed.
I was scared that you
were cheating on me.
No, I'm not cheating on you.
But I'm also not dating you.
We broke up last week.
We talked at your house.
Do you not remember this?
Of course I remember,
but we didn't break up.
I'm sorry, Ann,
but I'm certain we did.
Okay, you said that you
didn't want to leave Pawnee
and that I was the most amazing
woman you had ever met.
- Which you are.
- And then I said
that I would move to
Indianapolis if I had to,
and you said you didn't
want to make me do that,
and then you said
that in a different world...
Oh, my God.
You broke up with me.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, so here's what happened.
Sweet and beautiful Ann
has never been dumped before,
and Chris is such
a positive person,
when he broke up with her,
she just didn't realize it.
It's kind of understandable,
although it does kind of
make you wonder
how good of a nurse she is.
Oh, my God.
You left, and you said
you were gonna work late,
and I kissed you?
As enjoyable as that was,
I did find it odd.
And then I wanted you
to meet my parents?
I'm sure they're great people,
but strange.
This is humiliating.
I'm sorry, I gotta go.
Hey, w...
Hey, man.
I, uh, got you another melontini.
Thanks.
Listen, that guy is a jerk,
and if you ask me,
he smells like...
Success.
He smells like success.
You know what I smell like?
A teriyaki hairpiece?
I smell like the guy
who's always coming up short.
And you know what?
I'm just sick of it.
Tommy Fresh was my dream.
Now no one's ever
gonna smell it but me.
I can smell your dreams, Tom.
I can.
And I can smell 'em from here.
And honestly, they smell
ing terrible.
But I like Tom.
- I've got a jar of olives.
- Heh! Nice.
A thing of toothpicks
that look like swords.
And a year's supply
of toilet paper.
I got... boom!...
$38 in tips.
$180.
We should give it back.
- Follow me.
- Okay.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Thank you.
One time,
when I was in high school,
a guy's mom called me
and broke up with me for him.
There was another time
where I was on a date
and I tripped
and broke my kneecap.
And then the guy said
he wasn't "feelin' it,"
so he left and I waited
for an ambulance.
One time I was dating
this guy for a while,
and then he got down on one knee
and he begged me
to never call him again.
One guy broke up with me
while we were in
the shower together.
Skywriting isn't always positive.
Another time, a guy invited me
to a beautiful picnic
with wine and flowers,
and then,
when I tried to sit down,
he said, "Don't eat anything.
Rebecca's coming."
And then he broke up with me.
- Who was Rebecca?
- Yeah. Exactly.
Thanks for driving me.
Wait.
You're getting
your commendation tomorrow
at the Statehouse.
Oh, please.
It's just a goofy ceremony.
I don't even care about it.
Leslie.
Besides, Ron is staying behind.
He'll go.
Is Ron gonna be okay?
I honestly don't know.
This isn't a steak.
Why would you call it that
on your menu?
I don't know what
to tell you, man.
Just give me all the bacon
and eggs you have.
Wait, wait.
I worry what you just heard was,
"Give me a lot
of bacon and eggs."
What I said was,
give me all the bacon
and eggs you have.
Do you understand?
It's called a tommytini.
It's just vodka
and a bunch of cinnamon.
That sounds gross.
- Ben.
- Oh, Miller lite.
- How'd you know?
- Everybody knows.
That's your drink.
- Tommy.
- Let's do this.
♪ You know just what I need ♪
♪ I need that fast money ♪
♪ fast cars, fast women ♪
Mmm!
How's it going?
Hey, look who's socializing!
Yeah, and I'm having a good time.
- Sit with us.
- Okay.
Ann's in kind of a crappy mood
because Chris dumped her.
Ah, yeah, like a week ago, right?
Yeah, but I only knew about it
an hour ago.
Oh, so that's why
you tried to kiss him.
We were all seriously
confused about that.
Who's "we"? What are you...?
Oh, God.
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Did you keep the toilet paper?
Yes. I feel bad,
but I need it.
Ew!
Hey, hey, that's gotta be
Feinstein's car.
Give me...
Give me the Tommy Fresh.
- Why?
- Gimme the Tommy Fresh.
He's gonna smell your dreams now.
Are you okay?
- Is it that bad?
- Oh, my God, it's unbelievable.
Oh!
03x06 - Indianapolis
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.