- Hey, Leslie.
- Hey.
Thank you for that year-over-year
maintenance cost analysis.
- That was really helpful.
- You're so welcome.
I was thinking about you
when I wrote it.
'Cause I was, um...
'Cause I told you
I wanted to read it?
Yeah.
That's a good reason.
Anyway, Chris wants to
see us in his office.
I guess we should
head over there.
- All right.
- All right.
- All right, cool.
- Great.
See you there.
I'll see you there, Benjamin. Ben.
All right, "Lesliemin."
Leslie.
Hi, Ben.
Oh, hey, Ann.
Wow! That was
the most sexual tension
I have ever seen in a
conversation about documents.
It can't happen.
We could both get fired.
- That's a dumb rule.
- I know!
Well, if you have to follow it,
I would just suggest avoiding one-on-one,
tension-y situations with him.
You're right. Good plan.
I am sending you two on a trip.
- Really?
- Really?
The Indiana Little League
Baseball Tournament is upon us,
and Pawnee hasn't
hosted it in 20 years.
So, I would like you two to go to
Indianapolis and state our case,
because you two
are my dynamic duo.
Right here. Ah...
Ah...
- And go team!
- Yep.
Ann, everything
you have is too sexy.
This is actually the dress
that Julia Roberts wore
as a prost*tute
in Pretty Woman.
I know.
I look really good in it.
I need, like,
a sweat suit or something.
I need to send out a signal
that nothing is gonna happen.
Oh, this is insane.
It's so obvious
you're dying to be together.
And now you're going
on a road trip?
I mean, you guys could
literally "get a room."
Yeah, and I could
literally get "a-fired."
All right, I will
help you anti-seduce him.
Just tell me
what else you need.
I need to think of unsexy,
boring conversation topics
we can talk about in the car.
I have a few ideas.
We could discuss The New Yorker
article "The History of the Ladder."
Okay.
We could talk about different
dorms at Johns Hopkins University,
and I could read from
my Sonicare booklet.
- Oh, I have a good idea!
- What?
Why don't you ask him
about his penis?
Pawnee Zoo, monkey speaking.
Okay! Everyone stop
what you're doing
and come with me.
All four of you.
- Where are you going?
- Leslie's not here today.
No boss. We can do
whatever we want.
I'm your boss.
That's a good one, Ron.
Let's go. Seriously.
Come on.
Here's the sitch.
I developed
a dope new game show
where I ask couples
scandalous questions,
and they have to guess
what the other one answered.
I call this Know Ya Boo.
Oh, that sounds like
The Newlywed Game.
Shut up, Jerry! It's not
The Newlywed Game, okay?
It is totally
The Newlywed Game.
But big deal.
Everyone steals.
My favorite movie is Love Don't
Cost a Thing, with Nick Cannon,
which is based on
Can't Buy Me Love,
which is based on Kramer vs.
Kramer or something,
which I think was Shakespeare.
Don't know, don't care.
And what exactly do you plan on
doing with this game show idea?
Are you going to
shove it up your butt?
No.
I'm gonna test it out on you four
bing-bongs and work out the kinks,
then hire actual attractive people,
and make a demo.
What network is gonna
buy a game show from you?
There's a million networks out there,
and they all need programming.
Spike, G4, GSN, Fuse,
WOW, Boom, Zip, Kablam,
Slurp, Slurp Latin, Slurp HD.
I love Slurp HD.
Have you guys seen
Ultimate Battle Smoothie?
- That's a dope show.
- Oh, my God.
Yeah, so, basically
every dorm allows bed lofting,
but the students have really
taken to it at Wolman and McCoy.
Did you go to Johns Hopkins?
No.
Do you wanna play some music?
Sure! Ann and I b*rned an
awesome CD for the trip.
Jimmy Carter's
"Crisis of Confidence" speech,
Learning to Speak Mandarin,
16 minutes of
Old Timey Car Horn,
and something called
Banjo Boogie Bonanza.
It's an amazing instrument,
the banjo.
Yeah. I didn't realize
it could be this loud.
Hello?
Hello?
Can I help you?
Hi. My class is here
on a field trip,
and I'm supposed to interview
someone for a school project.
Okay.
You can wait at that table,
and someone will
be here sometime.
But aren't you here now?
No.
It's time to know your...
I don't have the instrumental
backing track yet,
but it's gonna say
"boo" right there.
Hey, everybody!
Welcome to Know Ya Boo.
I'm your host, Tom Haverford,
and with me as always
is my CGI puppy co-host,
Bobby the Boo!
Hey, everybody!
All right, let's get to it.
First question.
Fellas, which rock star
would your lady bang
if she could bang
one rock star?
Jerry!
I believe I have heard Donna
talk about Prince, a lot.
What'd your boo say?
Impressive!
All right, Andy,
which rock star
would your lady get with?
Um, this is almost
too easy. Me!
Let's check in with your boo!
- Yay!
- Oh!
Sorry.
Who is Jeff Mangum?
The guy from
Neutral Milk Hotel.
Oh! Oh.
Neutral Milk Hotel.
What is that?
That's my favorite band. I've told
you that, like, a thousand times.
I don't remember.
Why wouldn't you pick me?
I don't know. You're not
technically a rock star.
Booyah!
Somebody don't know their boo!
That's the sound bite that's gonna
play when a fight breaks out.
Look, little girl,
can we postpone this for another day?
It's unsettling
having you just sit there.
But my report's due tomorrow.
- What's it on?
- Why government matters.
Really?
It's never too early to learn that
the government is a greedy piglet
that suckles on
a taxpayer's teat
until they have
sore, chapped nipples.
I'm gonna need a different metaphor
to give this nine-year-old.
What's your name, ma'am?
Lauren Burkiss.
Lauren, my name is Ron Swanson,
and I'm gonna tell you
everything you need to know
about the miserable,
screwed-up world of local government.
You have mustard
in your mustache.
Don't sass me, Burkiss.
Let's get started.
"Life, liberty, and property."
That's John Locke.
What is this?
Whale sounds.
Okay.
You can change it if you want.
Yeah?
What the hell?
Oh, no, no, no.
This is such a great song.
Yeah, I snuck
an Al Green song in there.
I want them to get together.
Sue me.
Did you see this?
According to their rules,
we may not have enough hotel
rooms within city limits.
I know.
It's a silly rule.
But maybe they'll be
reasonable and not care.
Yeah, maybe we could
just point out to them
there are tons of hotel rooms
just outside city limits.
Uh-huh.
Have you been to
the Granville Hotel and Spa?
Uh-uh.
They have the softest towels.
Oh, I gotta tell you.
I love a nice towel in my life.
Me too. I know.
I mean,
it's the simplest luxury,
but it makes
all the difference.
Their bath mats are amazing.
It's like stepping on a lamb.
Oh, hold on.
Hey, come here.
You've got
an eyelash on your face.
I got it. Make a wish.
Learning to speak
Mandarin. Unit three.
- Get away from me.
- Sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
I'm allergic to fingers.
Where are you going?
Maybe we should just not talk to
each other for the rest of the trip,
and I'm just gonna concentrate
on the presentation.
Okay.
This is my little brother.
Next up. The delegation
from Pawnee, please?
And, so, as you can see,
Pawnee has 12 beautiful
baseball diamonds,
and our seats
have extra cushioning
due to the massive size
of our average citizen.
I have to bring up
what happened
the last time Pawnee
hosted this tournament.
No, you don't.
Good evening.
We begin with our first story tonight.
They're cute, they're cuddly,
but now they're wreaking havoc
at the State Little
League Championship.
Pawnee's raccoon infestation.
Have these little bandits
stolen our sense of safety?
The raccoon problem
is under control.
They have their part of the town,
and we have ours.
Muncie is larger.
Bloomington is more central.
What's the advantage
of doing it in Pawnee?
The advantage is that
it's a wonderful city.
I mean, look, I've been to
40-some-odd towns in Indiana,
and Pawnee is special.
I mean, the people
are passionate and kind.
They love their city.
They take pride in their work.
It's a very,
very special place.
Hey, it's Tom Haverford
back here with Know Ya Boo.
Let's move to
the next question.
Where is your favorite place
to smush your boo?
Donna!
Back of my Benz?
Let's check in with your boo!
He said, "Her Mercedes"!
Jerry and Donna on fire.
April?
This question is gross.
That's kind of the point.
What's your answer?
In our bed, I guess.
Andy?
Where's your boo's
favorite place to smush?
- Get over it.
- No, you get over it.
You like some other
dude's band more than me.
Do you even think Mouse Rat is
the greatest band in the world?
'Cause it's starting
to not feel that way.
That band is
really important to me.
And, honestly,
I've asked you to listen to them,
like, a million times,
and you never have, so...
'Cause their music is sad,
and depressing, and weird.
And art is supposed to be happy and fun,
and everyone knows that.
You know what?
Whatever. Forget it.
Fine, forget it.
Damn! This game's got juice.
This is your lunch.
Now, you should be able to do
whatever you want to with this, right?
If you wanna eat
all of it, great.
If you wanna throw it away in the
garbage, that's your prerogative.
But here I come,
the government,
and I get to take
40 percent of your lunch.
And that, Lauren,
is how taxes work.
But that's not fair.
You're learning.
Uh-oh.
Capital gains tax.
Well, Chris says
congratulations
and that together
we're unstoppable.
- Wow, cheers, sir!
- Yup.
- You did it.
- No, you did it.
No, normally I do it.
This time, you did it.
- Well, all right.
- You should take the praise.
Can I get a sh*t of you guys?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
Hey, when this thing's over,
do you wanna grab some dinner?
Chris recommended a place.
- Sure.
- Yeah?
Hey, we were thinking about
going to dinner, photographer.
You want in?
You wanna grab some grub?
Uh, no, thanks.
They have great burgers.
Well, you don't even know
where we're going yet.
I'm sure they have great
burgers there, though.
Come on, photographer.
Last chance.
Okay. Well, then,
it's just us then.
- Yeah.
- Sure. Okay. I tried.
And that, Lauren,
is how FDR ruined this country.
Lauren, ready to head back?
Well, I guess it's time
for you to head home.
I've really enjoyed
talking with you.
You are,
and this is not a joke,
much smarter than most of the
people who work in this building.
I liked talking with you,
too, Mr. Swanson.
Ron.
Hang on, hang on,
I have something for you.
This is a Claymore land mine.
Use that to protect
your property.
Thanks, Ron.
You got it.
Tommy Hilfiger
iPhone app, finally.
Hey, your stupid
Know Your Boo game
made me and Andy
get in a big fight.
He just sold his guitar,
and he's, like, quitting music now.
What do you want me
to do about it?
Okay, welcome to the super
awesome bonus lightning round.
First question.
Andy, who did your boo say
makes the best mac and cheese
in the universe?
The universe?
- Kraft?
- April said...
Best couple ever.
You just won 50 points.
Wait, why?
We got it wrong.
Next lightning round thing.
Who is the number one
Colts fan in the world?
Wait a minute. You set this whole
thing up so I would be un-mad at you.
Well, guess what,
ain't gonna work.
You figured out April's trying to
trick you. That's worth 100 points.
Wait. No.
Goodbye.
You were really great
in that presentation today.
Oh, thanks.
I liked the stuff
you said about Pawnee.
That was really nice to hear.
You know, Pawnee is a really
special town. I love living there.
And...
And I look forward to the
moments in my day where I...
Where I get to
hang out with the town
and talk to the town
about stuff.
And the town has
really nice blond hair, too,
and has read a shocking number
of political biographies
for a town, which I like.
- Oh, God.
- I'm sorry.
And I know we can get into trouble,
but I can't take this anymore,
and I feel like we have to
at least talk about it.
I mean,
it's not just me, right?
No, it's not just you.
Oh, God.
What? Are you...
- Are you all right?
- Perfect.
I'm gonna go see a man
about some porcelain,
you know what I mean?
I'm not buying cocaine.
I'm going to the bathroom.
The whiz palace, as I like to call it.
And I'm not calling Ann, so...
Ann, we have
a serious code Ben.
Well, it's not really code
if you say his name.
He told me that he liked me,
and I'm gonna go make out with
him right now. On his face.
That's awesome!
No, no.
- Read me the script.
- Seriously?
- Yes!
- All right.
"Leslie, it's Leslie Knope
from the Parks Department
"speaking to you through Ann Perkins,
friend and beautiful nurse."
Thank you.
"Do not do anything with Ben.
"Be responsible,
no matter how cute his mouth is.
"Your job is on the line!"
- Shut up, Ann!
- You wrote that.
No, you...
Then, Leslie,
Leslie, you don't know
what you're talking about.
I care about him very much,
and I've had two and a
half glasses of red wine,
and what that means is I'm gonna
go make out with him right now,
and it's gonna be awesome.
Yay!
No, you're supposed
to talk me out of this.
No. Don't. Stop.
Shut up, Ann,
I'm doing it anyway.
Yay!
Leslie!
When Ben told me that you had won
the bid, I was wildly ecstatic,
and I had to come up here
and celebrate with you.
There is literally nothing in
this world that you cannot do.
So, what's the plan now?
Should we take a long walk?
Mini-golf.
I'll probably...
- Shouldn't we just go back to Pawnee?
- Yeah.
Nonsense. There's no reason to
drive all the way back home.
I've got a perfectly good
condo right here in the city.
Oh, we couldn't
put you out like that.
Double nonsense.
I would love to have you stay with me.
Leslie, you can take
the guest room,
and, Ben, you have to
sleep on my couch.
It is literally the comfiest
couch you've ever been on.
This is weird.
We're on Chris' couch.
Yep, we are.
And I'm wearing his clothes.
- Well...
- Well...
Sorry, I keep myself
very well hydrated,
and my bladder is
the size of a thimble.
I urinate roughly
12 times a night.
I think I might go
to bed, too, actually.
Oh, yeah?
Okay.
Well, look...
Good job, again, today.
It was...
- You, too.
- Really?
Yeah.
Well, that was quick and to the point.
Here's a tip.
The key to
a healthy urethra, radishes.
Good, I'm gonna go to bed.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Well, now I'm up.
You wanna Boggle?
- Are you Ron Swanson?
- I am.
Okay, what exactly
did you teach my daughter?
You must be Mrs. Burkiss.
Lauren was supposed to do a
paper on why government matters.
This is what she wrote.
"It doesn't." Well said.
- Is this a joke?
- No, ma'am.
I legitimately believe that.
I'm a libertarian.
Oh, that's nice.
Well, she is a fourth grader.
And fourth graders
aren't supposed to have
their heads crammed
full of weird ideas.
They're supposed to do cute
reports and get gold stars.
I'm very sorry. I was only...
And you ate her lunch?
And you gave her
a land mine? Really?
Well, it seemed
appropriate at the time.
- I...
- How?
You know this is
my house, right?
Yeah, hi.
Do you wanna come in?
- You okay?
- No.
Andy is totally
mad at me right now,
and I don't know
how to deal with him.
So I thought I would ask you.
You know, Andy and I
broke up so long ago.
I don't think that I'd
be the best source to...
Please.
What happened?
He doesn't think
I like Mouse Rat.
All I said to him was that
this other band was better,
but I don't know
why he got all mad,
because it's like an indisputable
fact that they're better.
They're a real band.
Oh, boy. Okay.
Well, Andy just wants you to
be proud of him and his music.
So, this isn't
really about being right.
It's more about
being supportive.
Oh, wow. I didn't realize you
were a marriage counselor, Ann.
Sorry.
My instinct is
to be mean to you.
I understand.
O-M-G.
Leslie,
I read that same article.
"The History of the Ladder."
It's utterly fascinating.
- Ben, you're gonna love this.
- Really?
Do you know that the
original image of a ladder
is in a cave
in Valencia, Spain,
drawn over 10,000 years ago.
Oh, my God.
How about some music?
This is amazing.
What is this?
Oh, man, I love this song.
The pit
Wait a minute.
You were in the pit
We all were in the pit
The pit
I was in the pit
You were in the pit
We all were in the pit
What is this?
Living out my dream.
Playing a show with
the greatest band ever.
That's my guitar.
You bought it back from Shoeless Joe?
I actually stole it
from his office,
but whatever.
He's a weirdo.
Maybe April doesn't think that we're
the greatest band in the world,
but, man, she loves me.
And I love her.
So, you know, who cares.
I got the greatest
wife in the world!
- Stop.
- We're married!
We're totally
gonna do it later!
Oh, my God.
Well, actually,
I think it's good that Chris showed up,
'cause I wasn't
thinking clearly.
I love my job,
Ben loves his job,
and it's just
not worth the risk.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Chris just wanted me
to drop off these receipts.
Oh, well, he's not here.
He took off.
Okay.
Uh-oh.
All I'm saying is,
keep an open mind for a while.
Listen to your teachers and
read all the books you can.
Then when you're 18, you can drink,
gamble and become a libertarian.
The drinking age is 21.
I know. Another
stupid government rule.
So you'll write a new paper?
Yeah.
Can you autograph
this one for me?
Sure.
03x14 - Road Trip
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Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.