04x13 - Bowling for Votes

[bunniefuu]

I will institute
a reduction in taxes

For the small-business owner

as well as a 7% surcharge

on all nonlocal
business-related development.

Together we will build
a better pawnee.

So what we're looking for here

are your overall impressions
of this candidate.

What do you like about her?
What don't you like about her?

Her ideas, her voice,
her clothes probably.

Well, my campaign
has a little momentum,

so we're trying to capitalize
on that by doing a focus group.

Some things are very helpful.
Other things are not so helpful.

All the things make me feel
a lot of feelings about myself.

She's kinda short,
don't you think?

Aggressively short almost.

It's like she's throwing it
in my face.

Insightful.

You, sir, said you would not
vote for her, correct?

Yeah. Yeah,
she seems a little uptight.

She doesn't seem like

the kind of person you could go
bowling with, you know?

What?
That's ridiculous.

I am excellent at bowling.
Ask Ron.

Leslie, I know it's tough
to hear these things,

but just try not to get
obsessed over one comment.

You're totally right.
I'm not obsessing.

Okay, what are you doing?

I'm just reminding myself
to tell Ron

to tell you how good I am
at bowling.

All right.

I actually thought
that she was smart,

and I'd vote for her.
There you go.

Although I once knew a Leslie,
and, uh, she was just awful.

So now I hate all Leslies.

Would she consider
changing her name?

Sync and Corrections by APOLLO
www.addic7ed.com

Okay, here we go.

71% said that you have
a strong command of the issues.

That is good, but only 33%

said that they would consider
voting for you.

Mm, yeah,
that's really interesting stuff.

Why did that guy say that he

wouldn't want to go
bowling with me?

You really have to let that go.

I've never been very good
at letting things go.

I can't tell you how many times
a fun tug-of-w*r with a dog

over a chew toy
turned contentious.

One of us always ends up mad.

I did some research too about
the guy who said the thing

about me and bowling,
and his name is Derek.

Oh, my God.

And get this... he's not
even that good of a bowler.

His average is 132,

according to the most recent
available data.

Leslie, that comment

wasn't really about whether
you're good at bowling...

- which I am. Ask Ron.
- Which we all know you are.

But some people
have the impression

that you're a little elitist
or intellectual or something.

That is so sexist.
It's just because I'm a woman.

Would they deign
to say such things

to Woodrow Wilson
or Benjamin Disraeli...

okay, I see what
you're talking about.

See, a lot of people
don't vote with their brains.

They vote with their guts.

I know you're fun,
and you can have a good time.

The public needs to see that.

Well, then maybe the campaign
should host a bowling night.

- Hmm.
- It would be laid-back.

Everyone having fun,
great photo op.

That could actually work.

Also I'm really good
at bowling.

No, I don't think
I believe you.

Is there anyone I can ask?

Yeah.
Ask Ron.

Oh, okay.
You're kidding.

All right, it is time

for the 12th Leslie Knope
Fundraising Phone Bank.

Is everybody feeling good?

Oh, I don't know, Jerry.
It's Sunday night,

I'm making phone calls
to strangers,

and you're in my house.

My life couldn't be worse.

Hey!

Let's get
this phone party started.

- No.
- Sorry I'm late, guys.

I know this kind of thing

can be a grind,
but Ben said that this

is the most important thing
we can do to help Leslie.

So tonight is going to be fun.

You're probably thinking,
how could it possibly be fun?

- No one's thinking that.
- I kinda was.

I was not.

Why are we laughing?

Well, anyway, tonight
we are gonna spice things up

with a little competition.

Whoever raises the most money
by the end of the night

will win two free movie passes
to the pawnee mono-plex.

You really think
that's gonna motivate people...

oh, my God.

I could use that for a romantic
night with Millicent Gergich.

Out of my way, suckers.

As city manager,
I play no favorites.

But as a private citizen,

I am free to support
whomever I choose,

and I choose to support
team Knope

'cause they're the best.
Everybody's the best.

We're all winners.

- Do I look laid-back?

- You look like you're trying
to look laid-back.

How about now?

I think just... maybe just stand
how you would normally stand.

Okay.

I forget now.
Hey, Ron.

Thanks for coming, man.
Of course.

This bowling alley has my
favorite restaurant in pawnee.

Really?
You're not scared to eat here?

When I eat,
it is the food that is scared.

Why are you sitting weird?

- Damn it.
- Who's ready to bowl so hard?

Tommy's new bowling swag.

You know what?
When you do it,

you really do it.

Good for you, man.

Hello, I'm calling on behalf
of Leslie Knope,

who is running
for city council.

Is this Deirdre Splatterfork?

That is literally
the most beautiful name

I have ever heard.

No, I don't think we can
accept donations over $50.

I don't really know
why you would need

my social security number,

but... well, yeah, no.
You're right.

I guess it couldn't hurt
to give it to you. It's 210...

absolutely nothing.

What are you wearing?

Fine, if you don't wanna
donate, then don't.

Oh, by the way...

I'm calling
from inside your house.

- Ha ha! $100.
- Whoa.

This is unbelievable.
I cannot be stopped.

I don't care about that prize,

but I'm gonna win because I want
his happiness to go away.

Type in "T Rex" for me.

No, no, no.
Um, "t-boz."

Wait, wait.
"Tommy Tsunami."

No,
"ticky ticky Tom-Tom."

No,
"fly guy."

I wrote "tom."

Classic.
Timeless.

I love it.

"Girl"?

I saw your ad
from when you were a kid,

but it's nice to have a beer
and get to know you.

Aw, thanks, rich.

Oh, here.
Smile.

Maybe you'll get your picture
the pawnee journal.

Hey, this is going really well.

Pretty decent turnout.

Yeah, you know, I feel very,
you know, casual, relaxed.

Hey, is that the guy from
the... from the focus group?

Huh.
I don't know.

- I think it is.
- Is it?

Excuse me, sir,
would you mind telling me

how you heard
about the event tonight?

Oh, uh, I got
a weird invitation in the mail.

I didn't realize we were
sending out invitations.

Oh.

Hey, you're that girl from
the focus group thing I did.

Oh, I wouldn't know.

I'm never on the other side
of the glass with those things.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Yep.

Straight down the middle.

No hook, no spin, no fuss.

Anything more
and this becomes figure skating.

Come on, big girl.

Let's knock
these little pins down.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

Son, people can see you.

Boom!

That right there...
Tommy's strike.

Leslie, what happened
to the big picture?

I'm thinking
about the big picture.

I'm trying to make
the picture bigger

by including this guy in it.

I can't do anything about
my gender or my height,

but I can win that guy over
with a fun round of bowling.

We need everyone here to see a
different side of Leslie Knope,

not one specific person.

Some people just
aren't gonna like you.

Let it go.
Okay, I hear you.

I'll treat him
just like everybody else.

I'll just say hi to him,
shake his hand,

buy a him a few beers,

share a few laughs,
bowl a few frames,

lose intentionally
to make him feel good,

friend him on Facebook.

And by the end of the night,
he will be mine.

Whoa, "thar" she bowls.

I'm Leslie Knope.

You wanna bowl?
You wanna bowl together?

You wanna be, like,
bowl buddies?

Sure.

Great,
just a casual game, you know?

No biggie.
You okay?

My sister has scoliosis, and I
think you might, you know...

Oh, no. No, I'm just...
I'm just being cas.

What are you rocking?
A 15 pounder?

- 16.
- Whoa, hey, good for you.

Oh, there they are. I just
ordered some wings for us.

You like wings?

- Love them.
- Really? Who knew?

I knew.

Damn it.

Why are you mad?
You bowled a strike.

That's how I motivate myself,
you know?

Never good enough.

Let me get you a beer.
Cool.

These beers are as cold
as the Tuktoyaktuk Winter Road.

You watch Ice Road Truckers?

Yeah, dude.
It's my guilty pleasure.

Tom, I'm asking you as a man
to stop this immediately.

- Boom!
- What the?

Hello,
is this Mrs. Gallivan?

Well, my name is April,
and wouldn't you know it,

I'm raising money for a city
council candidate I believe in.

No, mira, mira, mira,
mira, mira.

It's, like, whatever you want.

Like, $10.
It don't matter.

Well,
I reckon it's just like

grammy Martha told me
and my cousins,

"you can't eat the biscuits
if you don't pay for the flour."

Put the phone down,
take a deep breath,

and then you
are going to tell Steven

that you will be treated
with respect, okay?

And thank you
for your donation.

Well, gee, I don't know, Fred.

All I know is that
I just want to live in a world

that's a better place,

and your contribution will
definitely help us get there,

to the...

Better-place world,
Fred.

Yeehaw!

Man, move over, pins.
There's a new Sheriff in town.

You are so down with strikes,
they should call you Norma Rae.

- Who's that?
- It's a...

Sally Field movie about Unions.
Doesn't matter.

The point is,
you're really good at this.

It's your turn.
Try not to break a nail.

Ah, classic Derek
with the Zings.

Man, that's what bowling
is all about... hey.

How's it going?

- It's going really good.
- Oh, good.

Um, we're just hanging out
and having a very good time.

Okay, I just wanted
to remind you that

when you're bowling, try not
to fixate on just one pin.

You're trying to knock down
a lot of pins.

I realize that,
but I will knock down this pin,

and then this pin will knock
down all the other pins.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, could you get me
another one of these?

I...
I don't work here.

Classic Derek.

I am taking
a probiotic tea break.

And while that is happening,

I thought I might share
some big news.

I am going to ask Millicent
Gergich to move in with me.

D-I... I mean, if that's okay
with you of course, Jerry.

- Uh, yeah.
- Of course. Sure.

That's awesome, man.

Hey, do you guys wanna live here
with us and Ben

and champion,
the three-legged dog?

- That is an amazing offer.
- Yes!

But I think we're probably
gonna get our own place.

I'm already working
with a Real Estate agent

to find an octagonal house.

I've done some reading,
and an octagon

is the optimal shape for a home
in terms of energy flow.

You know, Chris,
I hate to pull rank,

but if you're going
to take a break,

would you mind going
in the living room,

just, you know, so it doesn't
disturb everybody else.

Jerry, I love it
when you pull rank.

You're being weird.
Why?

Milli's gonna break up
with Chris.

Shut up.

Oh, my God,
that's gonna super weird

when they move in together.

Yeah, I don't know when, but
she is definitely gonna do it.

Nice.

Hey, Ron.
Were you trying to get a seven?

Because if you were,
you did a great job.

I am very angry right now.

What?

My finger was in there.

Ron crushed my finger.

I think it might be broken.

- Are you a female bird?
- It was an accident.

Oh, my God,
it's already swollen.

Tom, my God, do you have
any pride at all?

You did this on purpose.
You're jealous of my gift.

Okay, come on, Tweety Bird,
let's get you some ice.

- It hurts.
- Come on.

Well, congratulations, man.

Fun match, fun game,
good times.

Did you have fun?
Yeah.

I'm not one to complain about
free beer and free bowling.

See you around.
Okay.

Uh, just one second.

I'm running for city council,
as you know,

and uh, just wondering,
do I have your vote?

- No.
- Derek.

You old so-and-so.

For reals,
can I count on your vote?

Yeah, no, um, I don't think so.

But we've been here
bowling all night,

and we've been having fun.

And you're still not
gonna vote for me? Why?

- I don't like you, okay?
- Leslie, Leslie.

Well, you're a crappy bowler,

and I pretended to lose to you.

Yeah, right.
I destroyed you.

No, it's true.

I am a really good bowler.
Ask Ron.

I don't know who Ron is.

But if you're so great,
let's play again.

Good.
I'd love to.

Tell you what, if I win,
I get your vote.

If I win, you clean
my house for a month.

- Done.
- Hey, Leslie.

I'd like to introduce you
to my good friend, anyone else.

Not now, Ben.

I'd like to introduce
Derek's ass to my foot.

Get me another beer.

I don't work here.

$20?
Thank you.

Uh, you know, we're really
looking for donations

more in the $10,000 range.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey.

Just one second.
Let me get off this call.

Hi, I'm so sorry.
I'm back.

What, champion?
You need to go outside now?

Come on.
That a boy.

Sorry, he's...
hates awkward situations.

Oh!

- Terrible moonwalk.
- Don't care.

Yeah, what's up now, huh?

Aw, you got a spare.
That's so cute.

Check out the scoreboard.

So Millicent and I are going
to take a nice little stroll,

and I'll be back soon.

You know, if you want to take
the rest of the night off,

you know, that would be fine.

Well, I don't think
that will be necessary.

Unless you also want
to go get dinner.

Nope, this won't take too long.

Chris, you might want
to take a jacket with you.

It's about to get cold
out there.

Thanks, Donna, but Millicent's
company will keep me warm.

Take the jacket.

I wished for his happiness
to go away.

I might be a wizard.

Hey, Derek.
What a defeat, man.

I mean, I did not expect
to win by that much.

But I warned you,
I am a good bowler.

- Whatever.
- All joking aside,

I wanna say
that I actually had fun.

And I'm really looking forward
to your vote in the spring.

Yeah, I'll just write
in "bitch."

I'm sorry,
what did you just say?

Just ignore him.
He's being a jerk.

I said she's a bitch.

- Oh, my God.
- What the hell?

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.
That was awesome.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, look.
Here's that photo op you wanted.

- Ow.
- Sorry.

So... you know... that's
everything that happens

so it was just what happened.
It was just like...

- What's wrong with you?
- I don't know, I just...

I have a lot of adrenaline
right now.

Just take a few deep breaths,
okay?

The guy said
he might press charges.

Yeah, well, Randy,
I would like you to know

that we will not
be pressing charges.

Yeah, that really
wasn't an option.

Come on, the guy
was being a total jerk.

What Ben did was warranted

and extremely awesome,
by the way.

Did you write down
how awesome it was?

When we write official reports,

we refrain from using words
like "jerk" or "awesome."

- Hey, here you go.
- Hey.

Wow, you and me, huh?
Hurt "fingies."

No, no,
two totally different injuries.

Okay, you...
just hang in there, okay?

Okay, love you too.
Bye-bye.

Well, that was Milli.
It happened.

She broke up with Chris.

- Boo.
- Damn you, Jerry.

It's not my fault.

Well, I feel sorry for the man.

Well, anyway, the fundraising
challenge is over,

and the winner...
whoa.

We have a surprise winner,
April.

April wins two tickets
to the pawnee mono-plex.

- Yes.
- That's my wife.

Okay,
everything's settled here.

Wanna head home?
No.

We haven't finished yet.
Last frame, your turn.

- He hurt his hand.
- Last frame, go.

- Fine, I'll bowl one-handed,
like an idiot.

Whoo!
Oh, come on.

King Kong
ain't got nothing on me.

Ow, my "fingie" still hurts.

Oh, the bravery.
The perseverance.

You're an American hero.

And the best part is,
beautiful,

you get to drive
the champion home.

Well, the headline
I would've gone with is

"no-strike-bowling bowler struck
by Knope's striking beau."

Okay, one more time.

Let me resign.

It's the only thing
that truly protects you.

- Non-starter.

- Okay.
- Now when you take questions,

I think you should be
brief and sincere.

Don't try to justify
what I did.

Just apologize again,
and stay on script.

Are you sure that you don't need
more whipped cream?

Not today.
I don't deserve it.

I got us into this mess because
I was fixating on that guy.

But this is ridiculous.

I do need more whipped cream.
Ma'am.

Hi.

April Ludgate.
How are you doing?

Uh, whatever.
I'm fine.

Um, how are you?

Well, as you may know,
Millicent Gergich

ended our relationship
last night,

which was disappointing.

But here's why

it may be the greatest thing
that ever happened.

Yeah, good point.

Hadn't thought about it
that way.

Um, here.

Take these tickets.

- Oh, no, no, no.
Y-you earned them.

They're movie tickets, Chris.

They're, like, 8 bucks.

It's a gesture.

There are three of them.

I thought there were only two.

Yeah, I know,
I bought another one

because I thought
that maybe you, me, and Andy

could go
to the movies sometime.

Just take the stupid tickets.

I'm just trying to be nice.

- Thank you.
- There you go.

Okay, bye.

Leslie, are you going
to fire Ben Wyatt?

Are you going
to suspend your campaign?

I'd like to first start
by saying thank you for coming.

And on behalf of Ben Wyatt

and everyone involved
in my campaign,

I'm very sorry
for what happened

at the rock n' roll
bowling alley last night.

You know what?
No, I'm not.

- I...
- I'm not sorry.

This guy was drunk,
and he was aggressive.

And he was rude,
and he was foul-mouthed.

And he called me by my second
least favorite term for a woman,

and my campaign manager
punched him.

I do not condone v*olence,

but I have to be honest,
it was awesome.

And my campaign manager and I
made out a lot afterward.

Ah, I probably shouldn't
have said that.

But that's what happened.

Derek hates me, and I don't
particularly like him.

So what's the point,
right, Derek?

I feel like you're being
kind of a bitch right now.

See?
So I'm not going to apologize.

And if people won't vote
for me because of that,

well, there's nothing
I can do about it.

But you should be warned.

If you do not vote for me,

my boyfriend might b*at you up.

Now if anyone has any questions

about the issues facing our
city, I'm right here.

Okay, what are your overall
impressions of this woman?

What do you like about her?
What don't you like about her?

- I like her.
- What do you like

about her specifically?

I don't know.
She's tough, I guess.

I just like her.

I like that that one guy
punched that other guy,

and then I like
that she stood by him.

See?
People vote with their gut.

Yeah, that guy said
he didn't like my earrings.

Go punch him.
Sure.

Here you go.
Lane eight.

No, Lane 22.
The one at the very end.

Son of a bitch.

Hey, perfect game.
What's your name?

Put it up on a wall.

I was never here,

and you will never
speak of this again