04x10 - Kissing Abe Lincoln

[bunniefuu]

So you understand the situation?

I think so.

Now that we're not married anymore
you wanna sell my condo.

No, no. It's our condo. I got it for us.

Not the smartest thing I ever did,
but my real-estate adviser was my penis.

Is that what they mean
when they say the market's gone soft?

I don't think so.

My point is, I can't afford
to carry the mortgage.

But if we sell it,
then we can split the profit.

Or I could buy you out.

- Do you have money?
- I will after we sell.

Kandi, I am at the end of my rope.

If I can't get out from under these bills,
I may well have to declare bankruptcy.

Wow.

- That sounds really serious.
- It is. Deadly serious.

Well, in that case...

...wanna have sex?

- What?
- I'm horny, you're stressed...

...seems like we'd both benefit.

Well, I am really stressed.

No, that's not gonna solve anything.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go take a shower.

- Let me know if you change your mind.
- I changed my mind.

I either drank too much...

...or got hit by a train.

- Oh, God, train.
- Charlie?

Oh, look.

It's my sweet angel
come to take me to heaven.

Don't touch me.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

Well...

...I didn't wake up in my own vomit,
so, yeah, kind of.

You are such a child.

Many people find that
to be an endearing quality.

I'm not one of them.

It would appear not.

- We had fun last night, though, right?
- Oh, terrific.

What woman doesn't enjoy
pleasing a man who falls asleep...

...while he's in the middle
of reciprocating?

Well, that explains why I dreamt
I was kissing Abe Lincoln.

Uh-oh.

Okay.

Just some underwear.

No need to panic.

And a little bit of makeup. No biggie.

Running shoes, reading glasses,
flannel nightgown...

...and the latest issue
of Modern Bride magazine.

Red alert.

- Lydia?
- What?

I couldn't help but notice that you put
some of your stuff in one of my drawers.

Yeah. Hey, you wanna come
in here and make up for last night?

Well, yeah, but I think we should talk
about this drawer thing.

Okay.

Talk.

Four score and seven years ago...

...our fathers brought forth upon
this continent a new nation.

Morning.

That was a great shower.

Yeah. You know, it's good when you feel
dirtier coming out than you did going in.

- So, what are you doing?
- Just practicing.

- For what?
- Nothing in particular.

- Just keeping sharp for my work.
- Oh, yeah, your little jingle thing.

Hard to believe that takes practice.

Berta, I'd like some scrambled egg whites,
dry wheat toast and Earl Grey tea.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'd like some new shoes,
a jetpack and a waistline.

You really thought
she was gonna make you breakfast.

- Yo, bro.
- Hey.

- How'd it go with Kandi?
- Great.

Just great.

Turns out we can be friends
with benefits.

Nice. And did she agree
to sell the condo?

What?

Isn't that why you went over there
in the first place?

Oh, yeah.

Son of a bitch.

Charlie...

- ...you need to talk to your maid.
- Shh-shh!

- Keep your voice down.
- Yeah, we don't use the M-word here.

Why not?

- Because it's disrespectful.
- Demeaning.

And wildly inaccurate.

The point is, Berta's the one
who keeps this house running...

...and more important, she's like family.

She's rude, offensive and vulgar.

Okay, exactly like family.

Fine.

See if she'll do that thing with the ice
cubes and the silk handkerchief you like.

Come on, sweetie, don't be like that.

Ice cubes and a silk handkerchief?

You can also use a Popsicle
and a necktie.

But I do owe you a silk handkerchief.

And your water pick's kind of iffy.

And whatever you do,
don't lick your hairbrush.

I'm sorry to come over here
and bother you again.

We never finished talking
about selling the condo.

But I don't wanna sell the condo.

I can see boats from here.

I understand,
but I can't afford the payments.

I like boats.

All right, well if you won't cooperate...

...I'll just have to call my lawyer.
What are you doing?

Chester lost his bone. I'm looking for it.

Now? Can't it wait?

No. When Chester wakes up
from his nap, he's gonna want his bone.

You can keep talking.

Okay, well, as I said, if you won't be
reasonable, I'll just have to-

Have to what, Alan?

Son of a bitch.

What the-?

We need to talk.

- Okay.
- I don't mind your girlfriends...

...throwing the occasional thong
or panties into the hamper.

I just boil them
and sell them at the swap meet.

But this broad is taking advantage
of my easy-going nature.

Now, to be fair,
Lydia does have her positive attributes.

Yeah, well, I ain't hitting any of them
attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass.

All right, all right.

You know what she said to me, Charlie?

She said I need to learn
my place around here.

Oh, she didn't.

Ah, but she did.

Is that true, Charlie?

Do I need to learn my place around here?

No, we all know your place.

- Where is that place?
- Wherever you want it to be.

There is only room for one alpha dog
in this house.

- I know.
- Who is that alpha dog, Charlie?

- You are.
- Say it.

- You're the alpha dog.
- Aw.

You sweet talker you.

We'll just pretend that's morning wood.

Hey, how's it going?

Well, look who's finally up.

I need some lotion on my back.

Oh, sure.

Listen, I have to talk to you about Berta.

For God's sake, Charlie, grow a pair.

Is this your house or hers?

Well, my name's on the deed,
but she was here first.

Thing is, over the years,
Berta and I have developed...

...a really nice working relationship and-

Do my thighs.

Right.

And the key to a happy home,
I find, is to not rock the boat...

...not tamper with that balance.

- Make the effort to treat her-
- Where is she now?

Huh? She went shopping.

Anybody else around?

No. Anyway, the thing with Berta-

Why don't you put sunscreen
on your cute little bottom?

- What for?
- I wouldn't want you to get a nasty burn.

Why would I get a nasty-?

Oh, you mean sex.

Good thing you're pretty
because you're very slow.

"Who's the alpha dog, Charlie?"

"Grow a pair, Charlie."

Hey, Alan, come here.

What's going on?

I'm doing Lydia's laundry.

Can I throw in my handkerchief?

It wouldn't help.
You probably have to burn it.

Okay. And why are you doing
Lydia's laundry?

Because Berta won't.

- Then why doesn't Lydia do it herself?
- Because I told her I'd get Berta to do it.

Aha.

Do you have any idea how to do laundry?

You wash them, you dry them,
how tough could it be?

So, what do you need me for?

Which one's the washer?

- That one.
- Thanks.

Just kidding, it's that one.

Sorry, it was the first one.

Look, it says "wash" on the dial.

Okay. Okay, I can do this.
I just turn it on and stick them in.

It's a washing machine,
not a cocktail waitress.

Let's start by separating her delicates.

How is that not like a cocktail waitress?

The reason you do these separately
is they're mostly synthetic.

Add a b*at-up Civic and an ex-husband
and we're back to cocktail waitress.

Charming. Hand me the detergent.

This stuff here?

No, no, that's fabric softener.
You put that in after the first rinse cycle.

You know what?
Maybe I'll just buy her some new clothes.

Don't be such a baby.

Detergent. See?

There we go.

Cold wash, cold rinse,
gentle cycle, done.

What's that?

That would be water entering
the washing machine.

Amazing.

Yeah, it's pretty cutting edge.

Did I break it?

Close the lid.

Son of a g*n.

What will they think of next?

Yeah, I hear scientists are working
on a machine...

...that can cook two pieces of bread
at the same time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny.
Now what?

We wait.

- How will we know when they're done?
- Don't worry.

The machine will call you
on your cell phone.

Really?

I don't know what Berta's always
complaining about. This is fun.

Well, you're dealing
with pretty girl underwear.

Berta's gotta handle Jake's skivvies
after P.E. and pudding pops.

Good point.

- What are you doing?
- Pouring a glass of vodka.

Is that part of doing the laundry?
Because I could really get into this.

No, I'm just mad at myself.

Well, in that case, pour me one.

I'm mad at you too.

- So, what's the problem?
- I went over to Kandi's again.

And how did that go?

Not only are we not selling the condo...

...I may have promised to buy her
a new fridge.

- Alan.
- She likes getting ice...

...without having to open the door.

You poor whipped sap.

- Me? What about you?
- What about me?

- Charlie, you're doing a woman's laundry.
- No.

That's just me trying to pitch in.

Face it. Lydia's got you
wrapped around her little finger.

She does not.

She uses this one.

And it's not so much wrapped
as skewered.

Who's using my washing machine?

Excuse me, but it's my washing machine
and I'm using it to wash Lydia's clothes.

You're doing laundry?

Hey, it's not rocket science.

Cold wash, cold rinse, gentle cycle.

But first, you separate the delicates.

- Is that so?
- Yeah, that's so.

That's probably them now.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Mom.
I thought you were my washing machine.

Oh, come on, throw the ball,
throw the ball.

Or fall down.

- Charlie, I'm leaving.
- Bye.

I'd like a kiss.

She's still there, isn't she?

Yep.

Just kidding, sweetie.

That's better.

Goodbye, Jake.

I'm not kissing you.

Charlie, I almost forgot. I'm serving hors
d'oeuvres at an open house tomorrow.

So I'll borrow Berta
for a couple of hours.

Say what?

I'm talking to Charlie.

You don't mind, do you?

- Mind? Well, I-
- You wanna borrow me?

What am I, a carpet steamer?

I'm not saying I won't pay you.
Plus, you can take home all the leftovers.

Why don't you just toss them all in a big
bowl and I'll eat them out in the yard.

That's a little uncalled for.
I thought I was doing you a favor.

You wanna do me a favor? Take
the money you were gonna pay me...

...convert it into rolls of nickels,
then bend over and-

Berta, Berta, Berta.

I don't have to stand here and listen
to this. You have to make a decision.

It's her or me.

The skank's right, Charlie.

It's her or me.

Great.

That's just great.

Did somebody say there was
a big bowl of food?

You got an offer on the condo?

Oh, Mom, you're a lifesaver.

I don't care.
I fully expect to take a loss.

At least I don't have to pay you
a commission.

Oh, come on, you're my mother.

Wait, wait. Hang on,
I've got another call coming in.

Hello? Oh, Kandi. Kandi, hello.
Yeah, listen, about the condo.

My mom just got
a very reasonable offer and-

I give up, what are you wearing?

Hang on. Mom, I gotta go.
Kandi, I'll be right there.

Hey, is Berta here?

- I haven't seen her.
- Great.

I admit, I never thought you'd have
the cojones to fire Berta.

Are you kidding?

I've got huge cojones. Why do you think
I wear these baggy shorts?

Wait, wait, wait. You fired Berta?

Yes, Alan.

She didn't know her place
and she had to go.

But we can't live without Berta.

I'll be right there, sweetie.

Hurry.

You know what? We need to work
on our communication skills.

I always thought that.

- I didn't think you'd be open-
- No, no, no, you jackass.

God, you play along like a monkey
with a mandolin.

- You mean you didn't fire Berta?
- That's it, give me the mandolin.

You promised Berta
you'd get rid of Lydia.

- Alan, do you know what this is?
- No.

Then shut your stupid mouth.

And don't tell Berta she was here.

Fine. Just give me a heads up
when you're lying.

I'm always lying.

I'll give you a heads up when I'm not.

Yeah, you're the smart one.
Know how I know?

The washing machine called and told me.

Ooh! High heels and Cool Whip.

Oh, Charlie, how could you?

Berta, this is not what it looks like.

Charlie, you lied to me.

Lydia, this is not what it looks like.

- That's it, I'm out of here.
- Me too.

Berta? Lydia? Come on, wait.
This is not what it looks like.

Say it a few more times, Charlie.
Maybe somebody'll believe you.

Berta. Berta, Berta, Berta.
Wait, wait, wait. You can't quit.

- Why not?
- We're family. We love each other.

- We forgive each other our shortcomings.
- Oh, bite me.

Don't go. Don't go.

I promise I'll break it off with her.

No, you won't. You wanna know why?
Because you are addicted to this broad.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
I can stop any time I want.

No, you can't. You're a nookie junkie
and I just can't trust you anymore.

No, no, no. Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

You're right.

I am addicted.

I've got a vag*na on my back,
but I know I can get it off.

I mean, you gotta help me.

I can't help you, pal.
You've gotta help yourself.

- Goodbye, Charlie.
- Oh, come on, Berta, don't go.

- I'll do anything.
- I'm leaving now.

You don't have to.

I just fired her.

Goodbye, Charlie.

Oh, come on, Lydia, don't go.
I'll do anything.

You know what?
I don't need either one of you.

I can do my own laundry
and I've got my own finger.

I don't like it here.

Well, tough. This is the only way
I could get Berta to come back.

But why do I have to be here?

Because it's the only way
you're ever gonna sell your condo.

Okay, let's get started.

Welcome to our regular
Monday night meeting.

Do we have any newcomers?

My name is Charlie
and my maid says I'm a sex addict.

Hi, Charlie.

Hi. I'm Alan...

...and I have a lovely condo for sale.

And I'm a sex addict.

Hi, Alan.

It's priced to move.

Hi, my name is Pam...

...and I'm a sex addict.

Hi, Pam.